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would your mom consider volunteering at a facility? all that beautiful energy could go to making a lot of folks really happy. Would you have time to drop her off in the am and then pick her up again? and Lindy, what ever you choose to do, please keep venting because it helps!
Lindy, I think your mom is wonderful. It is great at that age to have all that energy and feel like going, going, going... What a beautiful thing! If she were my mother I would look for some trips organised for aged people. (If she is in a good health, of course....) She would be happy and you could take a breathe. Deef, glad to see you again! I'm quite as tired as you are as my mother is a handful. And then I have my work, the animals... My problems with justice are finished because they discovered there is a mafioso's wife who has the same name and date of birth as myself, so they froze the wrong account. It took almost one month to get out of the mess! The DA told my lawyer "Excuse me for the inconvenience", but "I" will have to pay the lawyer.... I have been lucky anyway. I don't know if it is my impression, but it seems the world around me (my animals included) is getting crazier and crazier (and I am the only one who is not crazy). Maybe it is the same story of that guy that went on the highway and he saw all the cars running toward him and shouted: "They all go against the flow!" I have found a personal solution to my problems: when the situation gets heavy I kind of leave my body here, and my mind, soul, thought, go miles and miles and miles away... Kind of an OBE (out of body experience) being awake. You can live sort of a parallel life. Reality is overrated.
lindy, sounds like my mil. Still wants to go, go, go....problem with her is she expects hubby and I to be her entertainment and we have to tell her no. I am going to arrange for the OATS bus to pick her up and take her shopping once or twice a month. Maybe that will help cure her "wanderlust".
Last night I saw the movie about Joan Crawford's Will which got me thinking about my mother's sister; her behavior; and a Christmas present for her.
My mother's sister has not been any help plus she has only visited my mother once since she fell and broke her hip a year ago
Her brother never came to see her in the nursing home because it would be too depressing. Well, he's now depressed 6 feet under ground, but he did travel all around the country to see his grandchildren.
Also, my mother's sister has been on vacation with her three boys and their children, visited her brother in his final days with liver cancer and attended the funeral, but nope still has yet to see my mother.
Oh, but when it looked like mom was going to die, she asked mom for her half of their mom's china which was something they had talked about but is not written in the will and my mother had never mentioned to me when she was of sound mind.
Yet, mom's sister did not see it as her place to tell me that my mother had not been paying taxes since 2004 until I discovered it in 2008. Not her place? give me a break, but oh have a chance to get part of an inheritance in which she is not even mentioned, zoom she flies down like a vulture ripping off the dying who has yet to die.
It is so tempting to write her and say "you already have your Christmas present and you know how as well as when you got it. Thus, you will understand why I'm saying "Merry Christmas" without sending a present. However, that would be cruel and far too much like "mommy dearest."
BTW, I'm the executor of my mother's estate. Neither her sister, brother nor her husband is mentioned as getting a penny. I'm the sole inheritor of all she has ever bought, inherited like half of her mother's china, and been given with a detail list and description of each of these. This will was written in 1979 and there is not any other will or updates.
Crowemagnum - You helped me today so now I want to write to you. I have a simliar situation except it is my borther and sister who are just waiting for Mom and Dad to pass so they can collect. Doesn't it make you think how in the world we can be related to these people??? Unlike you, my parents have things split three ways. They keep excusing the two deadbeat siblings cause after all, they are their children, I get it. Make sure you have updated YOUR OWN will and put Mom's china in it. Down the road, keep it or give it anyone, just not Mom's sister. Ho, ho, ho...
Howdy Crowe! How you been? Listen, you know what I'm going through with my dad's estate so I'm probably going to be biased here but I don't think you should mention anything at all to your aunt or mom or anyone else. When the time comes carry out your mom's wishes TO THE LETTER. which means it's all yours to do with as you want. period. (Good china sounds nice when it breaks, or sells)Try not to start anything more than what is already going on and hope they all just fade out of your life.
SelfishSiblings, ha, ha, ha, ha, ROFLOL, "No wire hangers" yes and no hitting anyone with them or choking them either. Thanks for the 'mommy dearest' humor. Thanks for the advice and thanks for letting me have my "Joan Crawford" moment and vent about mom's 'helpful' sister.
Ted, you are right about not starting something. I don't recall if I said anything about knowing certain secrets, but what I was trying to say is that in comparison to those secrets a certain relative's other mistakes make them look like a saint.
That side of my family does not make me very happy like the other side does. Neither myself, my wife or the boys feel much connection at all with that crowd with the exception of my uncle's wife who is doing a great job taking care of the estate of my grandmother which includes 4 farms with over 600 acers of farmable land that all three siblings get some money from each year. I'm already the trustee of the deeds related to the 1/3 that my mother inherited. Mom's siblings had three children each. So, one day it will be me with my third, plus 3 from an uncle who had a third and 3 from an aunt who has a third. My grandmother was known to not have much feeling of connection with her grandchildren which I can testify to, but she did have some connection with her children like when she told my mother it was time for her to leave her current husband and come live with her to take care of her. Just lovely, which I think is also a line from some famous movie.
This summer, we visited the side of my family that I've always felt closer to. That feeling is still there and it's like it never left once we all got together. The number of first cousins on that side of my family plus their spouses and children as well as some have grandchildren now total over 200. My wife and boys felt attached and enjoyed being with them once again as well.
glad to see from you Crowe. and glad you got to spend some time with the part of the family you like.
Crew! I'm worried about Jen! if anybody knows how to contact her aside from here, tell her we are thinking of her.
Miz! congrats on your first day back at work. You are a strong angel.
Sorry to hear that Angie's dad is not doing so well. thoughts and prayers to her and her family. Tell her that I think of her often and hope she is holding up.
Oh Happy Day! I just got an email from a dear, dear old friend from my High School/Twenties days whom I haven't heard from in 15 years! Missed her terribly. Don't know what happened, we just drifted apart during time but she had always been more of a sister to me ( and a daughter to mom) than the Thieving One ever was.
Hi Friends, I kept seeing this topic about venting and dirty toothbrushes--which made me avoid it--but couldn't resist when I saw all your names! Crowe, you wrote on my wall about "past issues"; well, don't you know all this that is happening is just a continuation of that past abuse? My Mother was never kind or loving to us. she favored my oldest sister and youngest brother. I used to call my 2 brothers and me, "the throw-away children", When she married her 4th husband in the early 90's, she called me right before the holidays and said that she "had a new family now and wouldn't be able to come for Christmas anymore". I was already an adult, but it still HURT, and was just more of the same selfish treatment she has always doled out. One of my brothers is dead now from alcohol, and the other one lives "under the radar", if you know what I mean. My sister is well-off, and pretty nice, but shallow and uninvolved. Actually, she is a lot like our Mother, including the guilty conscience, but not the denial M is famous for. I had a lot of therapy throughout my 20s-40s, and now find out that Mother was the one that was mentally ill and I was depressed from trying to make sense of her behavior!!! Well, guess what? I am blessed and free of all of that now! Except, I must be working off some other bad karma! LOL !! I am proud to be who I am, do what I do, have the awareness I do, appreciate and acknowledge others like me--like you, and Jonathan, and Ted, and SS, etc. When the caregivers mentions my Mother's dementia-related behavior, I point out that she was always like that. They looked puzzled and wonder why I seem to love her so much. It's all I ever wanted growing up, to have my Mother love me and get a bit of attention from her. It is one of the ironies of this mysterious life. The caregiver will tell me at the end of the day, "Your Mother just asked about you all day and worried about when you would come home". My bittersweet reaction, in my head is,"Where was this concern 50 years ago, when I needed it?" To have a toxic parent that you choose to treat better than she ever treated you, is a gift of God's Grace. Love you guys, my new friends.:)))
CL, Welcome! It's always been in the back of my head that, as you said, "treating a parent better than they treated you" is a little, revenge, a little of just the right thing to do, and a whole lot of me being the person I expect of myself, everyone else be d*mned! I have always felt that sometime there is going to come a day when I am going to have to look back on everything I have ever done, despite everything that has been done to me, and either be content with myself or not. that being said, my motto has always been- "Perfection Is Not An Option".
clwinegar, you are right and my whole life has been impacted by that abuse which only now in my 50ties am I able to face for as my therapist put it, 'your mom had such a hold on your identity that until she got in the weakened state she is in, you would not have been able to." For the last 4 months, I've been in a flash back time of those blurred years of my childhood and teenage years.
I'm glad that you found healing and you discovered it was not you who had the problem, but your mother and that by God's grace you are able to be more loving toward her than she ever was to you.
Frankly, I'm at the point where yes, I forgive her and realize that she was abused herself and in light of what I've learned about her younger sister, there is a systemic abuse problem on her side of the family, that I'm ready for her to just go on and die. Also, I have some things to put in that coffin the day that her body is buried and I've already planned out in my head what my wife and I are going to do that will be fun for the whole week surrounding her death and burial. Both the bad and good news is that I'm dealing with this, but the best news is how much closer my wife and I are feeling just like when she dealt with her mother issues and that woman is 'mommy dearest' jr.
After reading these posts, and as much as I love my mother, I do have a lot of anger at being the one who had to change my life plans to take care of her. It was me or put her in a nursing home which I didn't want to do. If others choose the nursing home option, I think that's fine. They are probably doing the right thing for their situation. So, as someone was saying, we are on a path to becoming the kind of person we feel proud to be, and are choosing to have friends who are the right ones for us, not trying to be someone that someone else wants us to be. Not sure what I'm babbling about, but I'll post it anyway.
cl and crowe, I always thought that maybe I had learned to be too hard-hearted over the years, but I think now it was just that I didn't care. Things were not easy growing up with my mother....she invented a lot of lies to be mad at me and now that I look back on things I think she treated her 5 children just like she was treated growing up. Even in my adult life when I needed something from her, she was never there. But when she needed something guess who she always called for? Yep me the middle child. Now she is in a nh, put herself there and it is close to me and yes I try to see her at least once a week. She always asks for my younger sister, oh yeah the one that brought her back from Michigan when her last husband died and then just dumped her in an apt. and walked away. The same one who rarely goes to see her mother and says she wants the "ashes" when mom dies. Oh puleeeezzzzzz. I take mom to appt. I buy her clothes and I try to figure out a way to bring her to my house for holidays...that's hard due to every entry is upstairs and mom won't get out of her wheelchair...by choice. And then the mil who constantly says her world ended when her daughter passed away in 2008.....excuse me...remember the son you have who is and has been making sure your "golden yrs" aren't too bad? And the fact that I care for her everyday and have to put up with her mouth..........I think I'm having a rather stressful day......thank you for allowing me to bitch.....under a little stress right now......routine boob smash last wk shows a small spot.....98% sure it's only cyst, but having it biopsied tomorrow.
Still alive...though not kicking so to speak...Going to Orthopedic Surgeon today, not likely to need but a cast...I hope. and that is winter half wiped out for me. Thank You everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind wishes for my speedy recovery. This has really throw both my life and the observation of it's realities into sharp contrast and relief. Pain in the ass is a good description. I don't know. Nothing to do but deal with it and hope nothing MORE happens. Really can't take it...... Will check in when I can.
Hello, Friends.. just checking in..been a heck of a roller coaster ride hear for the past few months. Mom was diagnosed with cancer on top of her other issues(found this out after they caught an internal bleed) and my brother has been in and out of the hospital too. Never seems to end here..
Bob.. give me a call later.. ill be around all day.. have some home repairs im taking care of.. or trying to :)
Kellybean how are you friend you were here when I was a newbie and venting and pissing and moaning and gave me such support I am a stronger person for going through those caregiving years and mad as hell at my late husband for leaving me in such a finacial mess and for not responding at the end to me but did to others he had to get in more digs before he left then months ago found some of his written rantings that is when I took off my rings. Stay in touch ok? Ted perfection is over rated good enough is good enough Jam hope everything turns out ok for you and am sorry you have to go through this on top of everything else.
Hmmm....Good news..I don't need an itchy smelly cast...Bad news I have to have a custom ankle boot made $500.00 Basic Health ain't gonna touch it....Oh well...Can't be more then broke and in debt?....But it will heal....Mom back to work tomorrow I think. I can handle things again I think...
Funny story-newspaper lady calls up mayor to ask for a copy of the towns laws,mayor says call his lawyer about it.Paper lady calls lawyer and asked her about town laws, she says call mayor.Mayor then admitts he doesn't have a clue about town laws and laughs.I stopped them this time,I made them look like the fools they are,they will come back meaner and harder,so I'm going to have to go up the ladder some to make reports. IF nothing positive came of lawsuit,knowing now the importance of paperwork being straight was a hard lesson learned,so cover your butt no matter what because doing the right thing is not enough.
I have had VNA nurses , HHA's, social worker, volunteer, coming in all week. I have yet to have any help. They sit in the chair and document on their laptop so that they can get paid for the "visit" and they charge medicare for the "visit". I am still doing just as much as before, plus more. We are, in essence, being used by the system. @#$% the system! The nurses, HHA's, and all other people are nice, competent people, but , due to our medicare system, have not really helped me or my Mom at all. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF.
Hello Everyone. Been back to work for two days. I'm finding myself wanting to be even more kind to people. I guess a really bad loss can make you more sympathetic to others. It has been good for me to be back at work. It's that or wander around the house feeling lost. I'm not ready to face the thank you notes and separating out the memorial checks, etc. Had the worse nose bleed of my life last night. I was crying hard on a pillow on the living room couch. I felt the drips but thought they were tears. I opened my eyes to all of this blood. I was horrified!! Screamed for hubby and he got me a towel. Scared me to death. We trashed the pillow. I take an aspirin a day and that's probably why I bled so much but I don't know what caused it. Fortunately I got no blood on the couch or the carpet. Nose has been okay since then. Maybe is was the cold weather and so much crying. I don't know. As our Captain says, more later.
One more thing. Mom's urn is ready to be picked up. I'll probably do that tomorrow. I'll put it in with Dad's. Not looking forward to it at all but at least she will be here with me.
thanks for the warm thoughts! the boat and Cat are warm and safe and I am in a hotel doing some tv work. GP is psychic! I like the work but would rather be on my boat with the Cat.
KelleyBean! wow! so good to see from you! i am so sorry that your mom was diagnosed with C. sux. I can't call out because with all of this modern tech, Splint can't get a signal out of this hotel. let me holler at a caregiver this Sunday or so when I am finished with this shoot. (12-16 hour production days)
Welcome to CL. hey! you like boats?
here's a prayer for the biopsy. Go cyst! I have fibrocystic breasts. Actually, I think that's all I have. other than that I'm flat.
changing our lives to care for our parents is a big one and not easy to handle emotionally. Thank God for this site and I wish it had been around when I started out in 04. Bless Joe (the guy who dreamed this up) for helping all of these people.
Miz! you're doing great and I'm sorry you scared the whoopie out of yourself with the bloody nose! Remember to breathe and give yourself a break. You are probably realizing that you can control how much you allow yourself to sink into grief. You can't let yourself sink too low because of the stress your body experiences. When you feel yourself going down, breathe and think of the boat. The boat will give you a tangible goal to focus on and it will keep you from sinking if you let it. Sound too easy? it is. the survival instinct is also a great tool right now. use it and live! love you very much Miz. love all of you guys and look forward to the times that we will meet.
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all that beautiful energy could go to making a lot of folks really happy.
Would you have time to drop her off in the am and then pick her up again?
and Lindy, what ever you choose to do, please keep venting because it helps!
lovbob
Deef, glad to see you again! I'm quite as tired as you are as my mother is a handful. And then I have my work, the animals... My problems with justice are finished because they discovered there is a mafioso's wife who has the same name and date of birth as myself, so they froze the wrong account. It took almost one month to get out of the mess! The DA told my lawyer "Excuse me for the inconvenience", but "I" will have to pay the lawyer.... I have been lucky anyway.
I don't know if it is my impression, but it seems the world around me (my animals included) is getting crazier and crazier (and I am the only one who is not crazy). Maybe it is the same story of that guy that went on the highway and he saw all the cars running toward him and shouted: "They all go against the flow!"
I have found a personal solution to my problems: when the situation gets heavy I kind of leave my body here, and my mind, soul, thought, go miles and miles and miles away... Kind of an OBE (out of body experience) being awake. You can live sort of a parallel life. Reality is overrated.
My mother's sister has not been any help plus she has only visited my mother once since she fell and broke her hip a year ago
Her brother never came to see her in the nursing home because it would be too depressing. Well, he's now depressed 6 feet under ground, but he did travel all around the country to see his grandchildren.
Also, my mother's sister has been on vacation with her three boys and their children, visited her brother in his final days with liver cancer and attended the funeral, but nope still has yet to see my mother.
Oh, but when it looked like mom was going to die, she asked mom for her half of their mom's china which was something they had talked about but is not written in the will and my mother had never mentioned to me when she was of sound mind.
Yet, mom's sister did not see it as her place to tell me that my mother had not been paying taxes since 2004 until I discovered it in 2008. Not her place? give me a break, but oh have a chance to get part of an inheritance in which she is not even mentioned, zoom she flies down like a vulture ripping off the dying who has yet to die.
It is so tempting to write her and say "you already have your Christmas present and you know how as well as when you got it. Thus, you will understand why I'm saying "Merry Christmas" without sending a present. However, that would be cruel and far too much like "mommy dearest."
BTW, I'm the executor of my mother's estate. Neither her sister, brother nor her husband is mentioned as getting a penny. I'm the sole inheritor of all she has ever bought, inherited like half of her mother's china, and been given with a detail list and description of each of these. This will was written in 1979 and there is not any other will or updates.
Make sure you have updated YOUR OWN will and put Mom's china in it. Down the road, keep it or give it anyone, just not Mom's sister. Ho, ho, ho...
Listen, you know what I'm going through with my dad's estate so I'm probably going to be biased here but I don't think you should mention anything at all to your aunt or mom or anyone else. When the time comes carry out your mom's wishes TO THE LETTER. which means it's all yours to do with as you want. period. (Good china sounds nice when it breaks, or sells)Try not to start anything more than what is already going on and hope they all just fade out of your life.
Missed ya, how've you been?
Ted, you are right about not starting something. I don't recall if I said anything about knowing certain secrets, but what I was trying to say is that in comparison to those secrets a certain relative's other mistakes make them look like a saint.
That side of my family does not make me very happy like the other side does. Neither myself, my wife or the boys feel much connection at all with that crowd with the exception of my uncle's wife who is doing a great job taking care of the estate of my grandmother which includes 4 farms with over 600 acers of farmable land that all three siblings get some money from each year. I'm already the trustee of the deeds related to the 1/3 that my mother inherited. Mom's siblings had three children each. So, one day it will be me with my third, plus 3 from an uncle who had a third and 3 from an aunt who has a third. My grandmother was known to not have much feeling of connection with her grandchildren which I can testify to, but she did have some connection with her children like when she told my mother it was time for her to leave her current husband and come live with her to take care of her. Just lovely, which I think is also a line from some famous movie.
This summer, we visited the side of my family that I've always felt closer to. That feeling is still there and it's like it never left once we all got together. The number of first cousins on that side of my family plus their spouses and children as well as some have grandchildren now total over 200. My wife and boys felt attached and enjoyed being with them once again as well.
Crew! I'm worried about Jen!
if anybody knows how to contact her aside from here, tell her we are thinking of her.
Miz! congrats on your first day back at work. You are a strong angel.
Sorry to hear that Angie's dad is not doing so well. thoughts and prayers to her and her family. Tell her that I think of her often and hope she is holding up.
love you guys and more later.
lovbob
I just got an email from a dear, dear old friend from my High School/Twenties days whom I haven't heard from in 15 years! Missed her terribly. Don't know what happened, we just drifted apart during time but she had always been more of a sister to me ( and a daughter to mom) than the Thieving One ever was.
Soooo glad to hear from her!
Hope EVERYONE has a moment like that today!
Love you guys, my new friends.:)))
Welcome!
It's always been in the back of my head that, as you said, "treating a parent better than they treated you" is a little, revenge, a little of just the right thing to do, and a whole lot of me being the person I expect of myself, everyone else be d*mned!
I have always felt that sometime there is going to come a day when I am going to have to look back on everything I have ever done, despite everything that has been done to me, and either be content with myself or not. that being said, my motto has always been- "Perfection Is Not An Option".
I'm glad that you found healing and you discovered it was not you who had the problem, but your mother and that by God's grace you are able to be more loving toward her than she ever was to you.
Frankly, I'm at the point where yes, I forgive her and realize that she was abused herself and in light of what I've learned about her younger sister, there is a systemic abuse problem on her side of the family, that I'm ready for her to just go on and die. Also, I have some things to put in that coffin the day that her body is buried and I've already planned out in my head what my wife and I are going to do that will be fun for the whole week surrounding her death and burial. Both the bad and good news is that I'm dealing with this, but the best news is how much closer my wife and I are feeling just like when she dealt with her mother issues and that woman is 'mommy dearest' jr.
Not sure what I'm babbling about, but I'll post it anyway.
Thank You everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind wishes for my speedy recovery. This has really throw both my life and the observation of it's realities into sharp contrast and relief. Pain in the ass is a good description.
I don't know. Nothing to do but deal with it and hope nothing MORE happens. Really can't take it......
Will check in when I can.
Bob.. give me a call later.. ill be around all day.. have some home repairs im taking care of.. or trying to :)
happy holidays to you ! xoxo
@#$% the system!
The nurses, HHA's, and all other people are nice, competent people, but , due to our medicare system, have not really helped me or my Mom at all. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF.
Miz, thinking of you!
Deef, hope you're feeling better!
Jen, you're a better person than I am! Feel better soon!
ssk, did you find a kitty?
jam, everything's gonna be ok!
diane where are you?
Hope everybody are having a nice evening & are warm!
love,
miz
thanks for the warm thoughts!
the boat and Cat are warm and safe and I am in a hotel doing some tv work. GP is psychic!
I like the work but would rather be on my boat with the Cat.
KelleyBean! wow! so good to see from you! i am so sorry that your mom was diagnosed with C. sux.
I can't call out because with all of this modern tech, Splint can't get a signal out of this hotel. let me holler at a caregiver this Sunday or so when I am finished with this shoot. (12-16 hour production days)
Welcome to CL. hey! you like boats?
here's a prayer for the biopsy. Go cyst! I have fibrocystic breasts. Actually, I think that's all I have. other than that I'm flat.
changing our lives to care for our parents is a big one and not easy to handle emotionally. Thank God for this site and I wish it had been around when I started out in 04.
Bless Joe (the guy who dreamed this up) for helping all of these people.
Miz! you're doing great and I'm sorry you scared the whoopie out of yourself with the bloody nose!
Remember to breathe and give yourself a break.
You are probably realizing that you can control how much you allow yourself to sink into grief. You can't let yourself sink too low because of the stress your body experiences.
When you feel yourself going down, breathe and think of the boat. The boat will give you a tangible goal to focus on and it will keep you from sinking if you let it.
Sound too easy? it is. the survival instinct is also a great tool right now. use it and live!
love you very much Miz.
love all of you guys and look forward to the times that we will meet.
Tennessee! good for you. well done.
lovbob