Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

LInda, I bet the trash man comes today. If they don't they get behind on their routes. Ours came today. And yup, I'll keep my prescription meds, thank you very much. :)

love,
miz

Where is rip??

ok thanks miz , i ll take those trash out . thought we re suppose to get some rain today , mmm havent seen any yet . it be nice if it would rain so all the snow be gone . am getting tired of lookin at the snow .
better get up and take the trash out , he usualy comes about noon to 3 pm . but never know sometimes they suprise me .
ijust started this trash thing in novemeber . usualy hubby hauls em out to the dump . this time decided that he dont have time for it , when we were busy haulin wood .
wheres ted ? crowe ? few others too , hope theyre all ok .

OK, you girls can help me--I say girls because I don't see Ted or any other males, so I am not being exclusive in my address.
DEEF, cause I think you give the best psycho advice: psych took Mother off detrol and sleep aid last week. Two nights in a row she is mean, crying, combative at bedtime. This never happened before. Last night she was so awful to my husband, who is the nicest guy in the world. She was yelling and shaking the rails and freaking out. I kept going down to talk to her but it did no good. I've got the snotty nose (my gross contribution) on top of my shoulder thang, so at 10:30 last time I went down to deal with her, I said, "Mom, please, I am so sick, and I have to get well to take care of you." She calmed down and went to sleep. Weird. She was so bad that I gave her 25mg more Seroquel at 9, which the doctor said was ok.
I will call doctor this morning, but what is the best way to talk to her when she gets that way? Ignore her? Sympathize? My empathy is strong and I feel how scared she must be, but I wonder if she is totally out of control, because these are shades of the behavior I grew up with! It's maddening, hurtful, scary, exhausting.
I won't see you guys on FB. I may not stay here either, but for different reasons than seems to be the trend. I came to AC for help, advice, information, and have been entertained and pleasantly surprised. I think this is the toughest job anyone could do, and probably prepares one for war and apocalypse. I admire everyone who attempts to do it, who does it well, and who does it because it is more humane than putting someone in a NH, but it is LIFE-DRAINING. Almost impossible to enjoy ones own life. That is my honest feeling.
I enjoy my individual conversations on a wall instead of thread, because it is more personal. I will continue to do that, even though anyone can read them. I am still not quite convinced of the ethics of online communication, being very old-school, but I try to fit in until I discover I was correct in my assumptions in the first place.
I appreciate your feedback on my problem with my Mother, but if I don't hear anything, that's OK. I am so happy for you all that you have each other, your boat, and bobbie--you are special and generous and too sweet. It is a great thing you do, to carry on with caregivers after your parents are gone. I would not want to do that, but we all have our passions, and you are helping to change the world of Caregivers. I think you should contact Oprah (OWN) and try to get something going. Maybe an audience full of caregivers that she indulges?
All the Best to all you wonderful people. HUGS christina

Christina I am so sorry you have had some problems with your mother....believe me I also know that feeling of frustration when they lash out for what to us is an unknown reason. I would like to ask if your mother's medical doctor knows these meds were discontinued and was your mother tapered off or just abruptly stopped? That will make a difference in how she reacts. Some things you can stop immediately such as antibiotics.....others must be tapered off or their will be these strange side effects. My experience over the years has shown that a lot of psych docs will prescribe or stop meds without any consultation with medical docs.....sometimes to the detriment of the patient. Good luck to you and with your care of your mother.

Hey Christina,
thanks, I would love to do that because there are so many people out there dealing with this stuff and there has got to be more answers.
I encourage people to ask and answer questions right here on the thread because, in the same spirit of the above paragraph, we understand that there are others who are experiencing the exact same issues as the questions we pose.

OK: Deef! for Christina!

here is my non drug reality of Dementia:
They're angry and they will say awful awful stuff.
sometimes you can do a snap'emoutofit moment:
Mom!!! it is NOT ok for you to talk to me/us/him/ like that!!!

My mom said the worst stuff you can imagine. Just is.
She 'grew' out of it and I chose not to use psychopharm because I didn't want the host of side effects.
Also, some of these drugs are counter indicated in the elderly and especially the elderly with Dementia or Alzheimers'.
We just stuck with Namenda and Aricept which worked VERY well and her little dose of BP med.
Everything else was food based.

I did use an unending litany of 'you're safe and sound' and that kind of thing.
I also told my mom in one of her lucid moments that she had Dementia and that helped in our case because I would say later, 'that's just the Dementia talking'...when she was on a rant or had fears or whatever.

Verbal abuse is the norm for Dementia and it's almost impossible not to take it personally. See if she gets it out of her system to express the rage she must feel at being robbed of her brain and hopefully settle down into being a member of her own caregiving team.
I was very fortunate with my mom that she settled down, got with the routine (they LOVE routine) and helped make it easier on herself and everybody.

another way to see it is that this decline IS going to happen and you will approach a time when you either get help inside your home or, if the design of your home does not lend itself, put your parent where there can be adequate help.
Once again, It just is. you will not be able to pick her up or keep up with the minute to minute aspect of it and will need assistance.
I got my mom to within 3 months of her death and when I finally conceded that I needed help because I literally couldn't hold her up and because it was killing me and because whe was forgetting how to walk. How to sit, how to stand.
In order for her to stand I had to give her the both hands and pop her out of her chair. had to tell her how to hold her feet and put her weight over her feet and watch my feet and now we're walking with me backwards to get her to the bathroom every 20 minutes, because she doesn't remember that she just went and is restless so hey.... my back hurt, still does and how's your shoulder.
It is LIFE DRAINING and making a choice to place a parent into a good healthy professional environment is not a bad choice.

I have written here that if I had it do again, I would have hired outside help almost immediately and stayed on my job.
I put my financial future in dire straights to caregive for my mom. I don't regret the closeness that we developed but I know I could have handled it better with some decent perspective in the kind offered on this site.
When I began and when a lot of women here on the site began, there was NO perspective and we saw ourselves in the eyes of those that were clueless and couldn't find help anywhere.
bless that guy Joe, who dreamed this up.

You're a good daughter christina!

more later,
lovbob

Speakin' of burnt biscuits...Mmm mm!
Well ya know, we're not talkin' charcoal here, if they make the whole house smell like a The Smokey Da Bear Biscuit Bakery, they might just be a tad burnt bit too daggum done...depending I suppose, on ones tastes & sense of smell of course.

When I was just a mean little motor scooter, Mama ate those burnt biscuits...and toast, cookies, and even the supper meat that got waayyy too done.
She always said she like it, that it was the bestest parts,and sometimes even alluded that she might have even over done it on purpose on the occasion, so she could have what she wanted for a change, so you best keep your hands off her burnt biscuits (or whatever).
Well hmmm, said I to my very self (why yes, yes I do talk to myself on the occasion, and find myself reasonably good company...most times), if Mama likes it burnt, it must be good, as she's, well, Mama...I mean after all, she never had any compunction what-so-ever, in reminding my goofy silly self that she knew more than me (and always would come to think on it).
So I would snag a burnt something or other when I could, when she actually burnt something that is, which really wasn't all too often as she was an excellently awesome professional cook.
So ya see, it almost became like a treat, especially when I thought I was really gettin' one over on her, by gettin' my grubby little paws on slightly blacked vittles first..oh yeah babes, I became a verrry clever booster of burnt, is what I'm here to tell ya!

So life goes on, and I become quite the fan of crunchy grilled meats, toast that has no other colors in nature to match it's darkend hues, and of course the flat out burnt on the bottom, Chevy rusted fender colored topped biscuit (that's an official Crayola color if I'm not mistaken...okay okay, but it should be) , and still am to this day.
Now not long after I was married, my wife and I made a weekend trips to see Mama fairly regular.
We'd go do all kinds of fun family things, but my personal favorite thing, was getting some of my most favorite foods made just for me that I grew up with (you know, with that special Mama's touch, that ALL Mama's boys love to love).
And oh my word was biscuits & sausage gravy on top o' that list!
You know what's comin' huh?...you can almost smell that burnt biscuit right now cain't ya ;-) ?...yep, me too!
Mama had just moved into her first apartment ever, and hadn't got the handle of a that 'new fangled 'lectric oven' yet, thus a whole pan of biscuits plumb got toasted...and *gasp* I caught her just as she was pitchin' 'em in the garbage!
HOLY SMOKED BISCUITS! Mama, what in the hell are ya doin'?!!!
"Whataya mean what am I doin', they're burnt s I'm pitchin' 'em?"
But but but, you & me love burnt biscuits!
"I hate burnt biscuits, always have and always will, and I figured by now, you'd of got some sense of taste and growed out it...but if'n ya want, I can pull 'em out of the trash for ya."
You sayin' you NEVER like burnt biscuits?
(I believe I shuttered)
"Come on back to Earth boy, I had to eat 'em, that is until you started to take a likin' to 'em. You should know by now we couldn't afford to waste food back then, now do you want me to pull 'em out of the trash for your silly azzz or not? Cause I ain't burnin' none for ya special, it stinks up the damn whole house!"
And by golly, I did!

Yyyep yep yep, hoodwinked by a five foot nothin' sparky little red headed burnt biscuit bamboozler again!
You'll please have to excuse me now, I believe I smell me biscuits cookin' ;-)

One day before hubby & I got married, he went "home" to have breakfast with his Momma. She made the usual eggs, bacon, grits, & toast & proudly set it before her son for him to enjoy. Hubby looked at the "feast" before him & everything looked SO good except for the toast...almost burnt beyond recognition! He said, "Momma, everything looks so delicious...everything 'cept the toast! What happened to the toast? It's burnt!" Never missing a beat, her response was, "You can scrape it any color you want!"

LOL Peach. That's cute. Is that a true story?

Another meal shared by hubby & his Momma was his favorite of steak, baked potato, & salad. She had worked so hard at preparing the meal as a surprise for him. When he walked in she proudly proclaimed that she had made him his favorite meal & for him to sit down & eat while it was still hot. He was thrilled! He sat down & proceeded to cut, well "try" to cut his steak, but the meat would not budge...it was just too tough! He said, "Momma, i really appreciate you making this meal for me, but the steak is so tough I can't cut it!" Her response? "Well, get a sharper knife!"

By the way, his NOW favorite meal is my meatloaf, mashed potatoes & green peas...not steak! : ) Guess he just didn't want to take any chances!

bobbie and jam , youre so right 100 percent right . i was wanting to tell christina that takin some of the drugs off may have flipped her out , but my mind was also somewhere eles .
thank you guys for thinkin about a solved pblm for christina and helping her in advice . funny how i think about it then my mind slides over to something eles and didnt get to say what i wanted truely to say .
again bobbie and jam . u gave her what she needed to hear . thank you .
takin away their meds that they have been on for a while does make u on the edge , withdrawns are terrible .
CHRISTINA plz dont leave . do come back and read . alot of times i read and dont leave any mesages . then i ll leave a messages when i have something to say or see that someone is worried . WHERES CHRISTINA ??
sucks to worry . keep in touch my new friend . :-)

i ordered a winter boots and a cute furry house slippers for dad . at cmas time he got upset said everybodys got boots but me . waaa it broeke myheart . kept my eye open at walmart never see the kind he would wear . bro said to me this morning go ck online instead of running around everywhere lookin . ah good idea ! duhhh whats matter with me !
found em and told dad what i done and its his late cmas gift , ohhh he s on cloud nine and thanked me bunch and says he apprecatie it . :-) i love my dad , xoxo

My mom used to get so upset and start saying "Let's go ! Let's get out of here. We have to go home now!" and start freaking out...I found it helped to tell a "fiblet" or "white lie". "Oh we are going to leave in about an hour, I just have to finish packing",,, and she'd forget after a while. Or I would agree and we would get into the car and ride around for a while and go back home again, and she would have calmed down by then.

Hey Linda you have a full plate over there and then some.
Kiss your Pa for me and glad you're here.
One day, we will have that coffee!!
lovbob

a fiblet, omg!!!
I LOVE that.
Hey ssk, glad you're here too!!
lovbob

I say nothing wrong with a fiblet. If it helps the person with dementia I say it's a very good thing. It's actually kind of a hug.

Linda, what a sweet thing you are doing for your pa. You are a true angel in so many hearts. :)

Thank you, Bobbie. I appreciate your input. I do have help now, but not round the clock. Sometimes 3 of us cannot handle her with the times split. This morning, she is fine, 12 hours after the debacle, and says she is starting to remember something about last night. She feels badly, I know she can't help it, I have had the dementia talk with her. She is not one for confrontations, speaking up, working things out. She would rather pretend everything is OK--sis is the same, but that's different. I won't be taking care of her someday. I would like my life back, my home, my simple but efficient days. Wouldn't that be nice. Being run down doesn't help, and I wake up every day thinking I will try to remember to stoke the fire and gas the car. sometimes I do, but not consistently. Going to the chiropractor and then to md for my snotty nose, then seeing a girlfriend at 2. Blessed daytime cg will be here, in all her patience. Thanks, again:) c

Hmm day starts out nice and choppy...mom has to take grandpa to dr for regular bllod test, he was wearing a dirty shirt...she didn't check, so he has a head cold, so he is even more out of it than usual, she is pissed and upset and it is gonna come down on me becasue I also have an appt. check on the broken ankle issues...which was also her fault..but take it out on me.
I spray Lysol on EVERYTHING!!! This situation with a head cold would be unbearable....
Hello to miz and bobbie and Christina and ss and ss and Linda an Peachie and all who are up this bloomin morning.
I really hope I can get the job at Safeway when I apply...if not Walmart is always hiring...Gotta do something...Have to have money coming in some how...It isn't gonna fall outa the sky and I can't bring myself to try to get disability or do welfare...Just gotta make it work....

thanks, I'm trying to put away the christmas decs, and keep reading on here instead.

Yep, miz, both are true stories! His Momma was a pistol...guess that would make him a son of a gun! (old joke!)

She did NOT like me for a long time...told me that I "stole her baby"! I told her that she cold have him back! (He was being a real stinker at that time of his life!) She said, "Nah, that's alright...you keep him!" She just didn't know what a really good guy he'd grow in to!

Aww, Peach. That's so sweet. I'm glad you have a sweet one cause you deserve that.

Hi everybody!
We could not live without the old and good Seroquel. We adjust the dosage (ranging from a minimum of 1 to a maximum of 2,5) according to the days, but without it we would live a very unconfortable life, my mother included.
The (good) neurologist who visited her several months ago, said that Aricept was useless in her case, but I want to take her to an Alzheimer specialized centre and see if I get a second opinion.
I see the captain is on the quarterdeck again... That's alright!
I kept the brass as shining as I could, in the meantime!

SSK!
Stash a couple balls, read a post. Stash a couple balls, read a post.... stash....
Jen!! glad you're here. get that ankle healed, get a job at walMart and you'll be running the store inside of 24 months @ 50+k a year. Not kidding.
Sux to get there, but i have friends who went there for work because in this economy...... etc. and they are reaping the rewards of slaving for the Mart. hard won, but they're doing it.
My respect for sticking it out.
lovbob

Good Morning again! I have been standing in my bathroom putting on "my face", I do a lot of thinking then, and pondering all of the posts that have appeared here lately and I began to see that some have lost perspective on what this site and this "thread" is really all about. This particular thread was started by bobbie because she was confronted with something and was looking for anyone else that might be able to help her understand why and what do I do now and is there anyone else out there going through this? I did that same thing, so did all the rest of you.....I can't name names because I know I would forget someone. Someone always has to be the leader and it just so happens this one came from bobbie.....there are other threads out here that also have "leaders". At different times and for different reasons we all stumbled across this thread because we were attempting to find out if there was anyone else out there experiencing the same things or are we out here alone? We are here to lend a shoulder and to NOT sit in judgment on what one might do or not do with handling our loved one. We are not looking for medical advice....go talk to the doctor for that.....we are just looking for a "hey I experienced that and this is what worked for me". Isn't that how this thread continued to grow? Doesn't mean you have to listen or even do what is offered. If friendships don't start to form from this type of camaraderie then there is a problem....it can't be helped. bobbie threw out the lifeline of the BOAT....she didn't have to stay around after her care giving was over, but she did, and as for me I appreciate being able to sit back and think there is a life after the care giving is over. Almost everyone here is taking care of a loved one in their home, and it sometimes seems intimidating for others who might choose a different route to take. I do it because my husband asked me to......the best thing for the col? How about what is best for me and my health? I don't think so......if I had my way I would have her in a nursing home where she wouldn't drink coffee 24/7 and pee in her pants all day long, where I didn't have to constantly wipe up dog pee and clean it off the carpet, where I didn't have to wipe her butt constantly, give her meds, make sure she eats, clean her house, buy groceries she won't eat, explain over and over and over and over, bathe her, the list goes on and on. Doesn't mean I don't care....it just means her day-to-day care is too overwhelming at times and where is my life and why do I have to put it on hold?
Could someone please name a group that doesn't have a leader? As for me I say thank you bobbie for starting this thread and thank you to all the new friends I have met who have offered me that shoulder and have let me know that I am not alone out here. If, on occasion, I may need a mental slap then I came here looking for one. If someone else thinks that is wrong, then I say again, look up into the right corner of your computer screen and you will see that little red x. Push it.
Sorry for rambling on friends.....now I will take myself and my leftover headache to Wal-Mart.....my least favorite place in the world. Hugz to all!

You're not rambling Jam and I thank you for your support.
Hey Rossella! Nice brass. Wait till you see the real brass!
What should I use to polish it up? I think you told me but I wasn't there on my list yet. Now I am.
We have Bronze and Brass on the boat.
Brasso?
what do you suggest my Italian friend?
never left boat, just was in my cabin watching Jack Benny....
Jam, while you're in Wal Mart get that Jack Benny collection for 2.50!! worth it!
I have my evening all planned.
Wash some teak, Jack Benny episode. wash some teak....
lovbob

Hello to all.
I just want to put my 2 cents in for what it is worth... lol lol I want to say thank you bobbie for starting this thread.... And thank you to all my angels on here. Honestly I do not what i would have done not having this over these past 7 months, although dad has passed, i am still faced with caregiving for mom. Although she can clean herself, and all that, i still take care of her as i did while i was caring for dad as well. The finances, the house, the sibs that think i am out for the jackpot lol what jackpot .... Mom and Dad are my jack pots, although this work is gruling and not very rewarding at times it has been a life saver to me. Just knowing that I and mom are not alone, is just an amazing feeling. I miss my dad more than ever, miss him ringing his bell at 2 am , just to see how long it would take for me to get to him and he would laugh and i would be like OMG, you did not.. lol The times that i would have my own pity potty .... wondering where is my life..... i have given everything up, my entire life as we all have... So to have each and everyone of you as a part of my life has been a blessing from the higher power. I have been doing all of the paperwork and finances in re: to papa's passing. Mom is just beside herself..... I am glad that i am here for her..... As much as she aggrevates me and gets on my nerves, and no worry i have no prob telling her, we argue , dont speak for about an hour then we hug and cry together. I love you all.... Angie

It's good to hear from you, Angie.
I'm now watching a soap opera The Days of Our Lives, (which I have become addicted to while caregivig) and reading on here during commercials. My mom's Alz is at the stage where I have to hold her hands and walk backwards while she walks forward, like dancing. she usually laughs while we walk.

It's good when things come to a head, and the cleansing begins. It is good if one can come to that first, instead of recrimination, defending, hopping on board, jumping off. True and honest communication, baring of the soul. Thinking before speaking, and thinking about the other person's perspective.
You ALL have what it takes. Bravo.

Angie ...
you know where the term Bell Hop came from, huh?
I sure understand the missing factor.

Hi everyone just a few ideas we had sheep when I was a kid and they do not all follow the leader they do have a mind of their own that is why when you have a bunch you have a dog to herd them or they are all over the place Cuz thank you for reminding us what is important I heard that Crowe changed his ID I think you call it I can no longer reach his wall and I hope he is doing ok I was happy to get his sage advice Christina why did the doc take her off her meds it seemed like it was more managable when she was on them and I needed meds when taking care of the husband my NP encouraged me to when he really stressed me out and even now I take xanax when I need to. I hate to see Bobbie picked on she rocks and she does not have to come back here the same as I do not but I feel some can use all the unasked for and unwanted experience I developed over time-I did not cope well at times but did get the job done. When I was a kid scraped many a burnt piece of toast it was that or go hungry. We are a family of people just trying to get through the day and stay out of the black hole if I had not found this group 3 yrs. ago I hate to think how I would have been able to cope-to have complete strangers who had more than their share of heartbreak give me encouragment and support was so great.