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Hi everybody and thanks for all the love and support this today. I really needed it! All of the garbage and trash is already cleaned out and what is left is the estate sale stuff. I don't have the luxury of torching it. Need the money. Whatever is left over I will donate to Goodwill. Or Badwill or the the Veterans....or to ? Have already donated about 45-50K worth of NEW books to the Friends schools (to the new guys, mom had a beautiful bookstore [a very long and boring story as to why that bookstore is closed.... see previous post about 'shithole town'])and all of the clothes and most of the kitchen stuff went to the Veterans. Well, I am proof that this shit can really make you sick so be careful my beautiful angels. Thank you again for caring about me. Love you all, lovbob
Jen, Yes, last week we had a pool. Funny you should ask. It was in the main part of the downstairs. Being fixed later this week. I know where you are. Hubby's from Ellensberg and we lived in Kirkland and Marysville for a while. I'm not telling your CA relatives where I live if you won't. Please. When Mother is not draining all the energy from us, this is a PARTY HOUSE! Whoo Hoo! I'm getting too old NOT to party when I have the chance. Here it's: Oh NO it's Monday again, let's have a margarita and pretend it's Sunday; Tequila Tuesday, Trash Day Wednesday, Chiropractor Thursday, and TGIFriday. Then we have Saturday and Party-On Dude Sunday, and it starts all over again. All days are fitting for a party at Christina's. I live on hors-d'oeuvres and crudites. Nibble, nibble. Or nom nom, as HB says. Anyway, we live close to resorts, 20 minutes from beaches and South Coast Plaza. How bad can it be? Well, we know.
otterdame! don't do it!!! I quit my job and gave up my life only to be broke and crazy after it was all said and done. figure out a way to keep your job! These are your peak earning years and when the time comes for Soc Sec, your account will be greatly diminished. Mine is a joke. I have to get a job when I am finished with the estate sale and I am not afraid of working, have worked like an animal all my life, but jeeze.. what would have been a nice pension and SS turned into pennies on the dollar. So... depending on what job you have..... make the decision accordingly. I love/loved my mom completely and worked myself sick to make her happy and her last years joyful. Another caregiver on this site said: I feel like I added 5 years onto her life and took 5 years off of mine. My approach was WAY out of balance. Try and keep your job and get help right off the bat before you are sucked in like I was and like some of the others were. Tell us more about your mom...... lovbob
Bobbie, You and the others are teaching us silent newbies so much. In the few weeks I have been reading i have laughed with you cried with you. You all make us realize these crazy feelings we have are....ok....normal.....for us under these circumstances. I am learning what i can handle and what i can't with everyones stories. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS THREAD......THANK YOU FOR STARTING IT!
Hi Lori71! I know--isn't it a great place? Wow, I found this site in December, not sure when I found this crazy but sanity -sustaining thread, but I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT THESE PEOPLE EVER AGAIN! Welcome, Sister. HUGS, Christina
I am truly addicted. I have been checking in a couple of times a day. I have even told some of the stories to my husband and girls. I started doing some research when i was at wits end and found this site. I started reading and reading....This is such a blessing. I haven't figured out all of the abbreviations yet. but my favorite is.....COL
col . crazy old lady , lol . took me a while to figure that out and finaly had to ask so now i know . ohhh . welcome here and always a pleasure to met new people ,
otter- talk about quittin ur job to care for ur mom , i quit my job to take care of dad , he ask me if i would and that he would pay my bills , i didnt mind it cuz i hated my job and my job sent me home alot cuz theres nothing there to do . been at the same job for 10 yrs . i dont miss it one bit , i thank dad alot for me to stay home with him . but then im thinking , shit i have no money to pay my bills when he s gone ! what do i do ?? i will have to go find me a job ! the way the ecomeny is ,,its pretty scary . my job told me that they d hire me back if i need to go back , but i dont want to go back there , that job i done tore up my body and i still ache and hurt after doing it for 10 yrs . they ruined me now dad s trying so hard not to hurt me , hes dead weigh heavy guy , bless his heart . i dont have any regrets , i love my dad and i d do it again just for my dad . if you know that u be well off if ur mom passes away then go for it but if u know that ure gonna struggle like hell then u best off not to quit ur job . hang on to it ! come back and let us know what u decided . christina , my barn is a party barn when summers here . crank the music up and enjoy the beer , shots , margaritta . smoke alotta . bring dad out there and crank the country music for him , ohh he likes that ,. gotta walk my dog , u all have a good evening , xoxoxo
Per Peach: The OBMAJ thing came from a woman named Amber Jane who was really chastising us here on the thread a while back & Bobbie was trying to tell her what was going on & she told her, "Oh, Bite Me Amber Jane" so that's how the OBMAJ got it's start! If you're having a difficult day, it's a good way to tell somebody off instead of, well, you get the idea, just tell 'em OBMAJ...you know what it is & they don't! LOL You can explain it to 'em if you're so inclined, too! ***The OBMAJ comment came on a very difficult day when one of our beloved friends was on deathwatch in the hospital with her mom. Amber Jane came on with the redundent "oh my, simply get another toothbrush" theory without bothering to read the first few comments & see what the thread is about.
Bobbie's snap back "Oh just BITE ME Amber Jane" had me laughing for days depite the sorrowful occassion. There are some things you just don't mess with here. Why we are strong, even some of us sometimes silent ones.
I doubt AJ enjoyed her 15 seconds of fame ... but her tone & timing simply stank. Peach has designed a logo for shirts, etc.
Good afternoon all...... Just checking in with everyone, have not had a chance to read all the threads...... I am finally feeling a bit better.... had major breakdown last week..... Everything just got to me...... I am just so tired and burned out from taking care of everyone else..... I still have really not cried since dad's passing in Dec. Its almost like I dont have time to do my own grieving.... Mom is still mom , making me crazy..... Finalizing the last of dad's affairs and getting mom set up on her own..... the house, the bills, dog had surgery last week.... OH MY!!! I feel like the tornado from the wizard of OZ... OH MY!! the tigers and bears... lol lol lol...... OK that is my venting for the day.... The last of dad's medical equipment has been picked up and given away..... The door to his room is kept closed, so this way here I swear I can still smell his smell..... Have been to the cemetery once..... younger sister is moving to Illinois tomorrow......... my daughter moved out and will be getting married next year...... so its just mom me and the dog..... and lots of repairs to this old house... and lest me not forget the everloving and reliable Martini's ..........Each of you are in my daily thoughts and prayers, especially at 330 everday, when I turn on my special angel light....... love and hugs to all!!!!!!!!!
rip u said it alot better than i did , thank you for explainin it clear to lori . who was it that said shame on u shame on u waaaa ? ah well . thats all i remmy was shame on you !! lol .
angi ! good to hear from you . so sorry that u had a meltdown . golly i know that feeling , always doing everything for everybody eles but they dont do one thing for us . soon i ll be hearing whats for supper ! ? i am so happy that u re enjoyin 330 lamp time . :-) i bet its beautiful , i never knew about that memory lamp , wow . my mil has one but its very very old , my step bil says its his when shes gone , imthinkin bullshit ! mil said it was her hubbys so his son says its his next ,. i think imgonna grab them and run and if he mention about the lamp im gonna say oh mom sold it in the yard sale for 50 cents :-) she told me she doesntthink it belong to her hubby in the first place , i told her oh ill be sure to tell him u sold it for 50 cents , she giggled , so i believe that is what im going to do . went outside to pick up alotta sticks and limbs and branches wow !! suns a shiney lit cool but hey its nice . walk my dog and now shes sitting out in the front happy camper . xoxo
Just had a nice nap. Only partially chemically induced. Lori, welcome and thank you. silent newbies?? how many people are reading this thread? If you don't want to post, just hit the FB 'like' at the top so we get an idea. In fact everybody that hasn't hit that thang .... if y'all don't mind. Thanks to all that are saying thanks. Sorry if we scared anyone but this is a MAJOR undertaking and can rearrange your future before you know it and after you can do something about it. Now a good personal sign: I'm hungry and want a nice sandwich. gotta go out and shark a ride to the Publix and get some Turkey Tittie. lovbob
Would I give up a job for this? Everyone's situation is different. But if I knew then what I know now...I'd say probably not, or at least not as early as I did.
I hubby and I lost jobs so that part was not in our control. We moved in to help care for grandma when my mother threw in the towel and put up the white flag. My mother wanted to continue to work to put a bit more into her SS, and grandma is in hospice needing 24-7 care. At the time we moved in her life expectancy was 0-12 months, so I took over care of grandma officially 3x per week (which has turned into 5+ to 7 --which includes can you watch grandma while I "insert errand here" and her respite weeks yes I allow my mother vacation).
This arrangement was supposed to end when my mother was eligible for retirement so I could go back to work and then she would watch her own mother. I suppose you can guess who doesn't want to quit her job now. If you guessed my mother...you would be correct! Ding ding!!! So I'm still caring for grandma while mom works and for whatever else. I am unpaid and live in a basement. We don't pay rent here but I wouldn't really expect to in a place where you can't control your own thermostat, and are on call 24 hours a day. My hubbie and I cover our own expenses as he is now employed so we are not receiving board either.
I was ok giving up a year of employment, but staring down nose of the beginning of the 3rd year is starting to wig me out. My own retirement egg is slowly diminishing before I even get started. I hadn't planned for this to go on this long. If there was another way, I'd be working. I can't see giving my entire hourly wage away to another caregiver and gran doesn't isn't financially set up as well as she thinks she is. So I'm stuck. The USA is not kind to people who must take care of their elderly. Really they need to fix that.
Personal relationships also suffer. I was very lonely and isolated before I discovered this site. I don't get out very often and my plans are very frequently irratic and subject to change in response to Dame Dementia's current condition. I'm not a great friend at the moment. So I get left at the curb frequently. People who are thrilled that grandma is still alive don't come to visit us or offer to take a few hours shift.
Gran is in hospice, she is our region's longest living continuously enrolled hospice patient. I found that out on Sunday from the nurse. I know that she will outlive us all. I totally believe that she can strip a day to a month from your life, adding it to her own, just by sitting across the room from you. Her life-steal is most effective in her own living room. Grown adults fall asleep in the middle of sentences in that room for NO reason at all. The hospice nurse that rushed over here on Sunday fell asleep on the couch between her sentences. That was hard to watch!
Is it worth it? For grandma it is definately worth the effort to keep her home. This is where she wants to be and this is where she wants to die. I'm glad I'm able to help her end her life the way she wants to. Aside from having to do everything for her, I'm happy to have had some quality one-on-one time with her when she happens to be lucid.
I'd really like my life back though and I'm not looking forward to my own mother's need for care when or if it becomes her turn. I hope that when grandma does pass, that my mom gets some enjoyment from life and that nothing happens to her which would necessitate another hijacking of my life. Jeebus...who would jump on the same hijacked plane twice? I am lucky in one thing. I do have a brother and he is stepping up to take care of our father. Our parents are divorced. He will come over here when I go to India, and I go over there if he needs something with dad.
I am a short-timer at the moment...I am getting a month's respite which is practically unheard of...usually you have to break a knee to get that much time off...(sorry chaquita). I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize and not lose my mind before next tuesday....tuesday...tuesday....
Anyhow, welcome to the thread! This thread and the buds in it are lifesavers.
Being a caregiver certainly takes it toll.... I dont think there is anything that can ever prepare anyone for it , for sure... OK well maybe a bank load of money..... lol lol..... I think my breakdown was well deserved and needed for sure....... yes i love my memory lamp for sure.......in all honesty i do miss the physical caretaking of dad, because taking care of mom is a whole other ball game.... lol lol.... love her dearly.... but OMG...... we play the pete and repeat game alot...... for sure. my sis was here last night to visit before she leaves and she was like OMG.... how many times did you explain about a check to her.... we called the conversation the " merry go round"..... lol lol lol.... Still caregiving just on a different level now, another adjustment..... such is life i suppose.....
You are amazing HB...... This thread is what has kept me going for sure... I know how you feel for sure..... My life has been and looks like will be all consumed with being the caregiver..... My sib is moving to illinois that she was much help.... but a once a month visit for me to get out for 3 or 4 hrs was good..... My other sis well ya know she is busy and her own family.... lol and by the way off to mexico for a second vacation..... Vacation for me is going to CVS ..... lol lol or Walmart..... But as depressing and all consuming it has been , I received my reward... I was by dad's side as he passed.... Just he and I in the room...... And I hope to be with mom in the same way..... But it taxing on one's life....... So my respite is by coming here to visit with all my family on here...... It has been all of you here that has got me through for sure....... So HATS OFF TO ALL OF US AMAZING ANGELS............
ssk- i always wonder where is deefer , deflex , peachie , pirate , pamela . was austin but she did ck in , thanks austin . so now we are wondering about those others mia ... bobbie- i love naps . havent had one in a while , ah ababy girls home bye u all xox
Otter- Congratulations! You are one of very few people who actually do a little research into the life of a caregiver before jumping in. I didn't, I just kinda realized one day what I had gotten myself into without ever really preparing myself for it. Once I was in of course it was a traumatic thing to be faced with the question of whether or not to continue. There is a lot of stuff involved with this, most which you won't find on any discussion boards or articles. The financial aspect is only a part of the sacrifice you will be making, and doing whatever you can now to retain that part of your life is a good move. We certainly understand your desire to keep mom from a nursing home, but PLEASE keep yourself out of one too by planning wisely! Consider hiring help right from the start, whether it is completely justified right now or not, Mom is going to continue to decline and having it in place from the start will make things that much simpler later on. Seriously, Try to keep as much of your life intact as you can, for yourself and your mom. I had made the mistake of gallantly thinking that -of course, in the state that mom is in, SHE is the priority but I have recently ( and not a minute too soon) realized that the best way to go about this, for her sake and mine, and everyone else involved with either one of us, is to keep a strong grip on balancing your care between yourself and your mom. I'm sure there are other's here who could explain themselves much better than I have but PLEASE keep reading this thread and any other's you can find, even the ones who try to convince us all that the life of a caregiver should be a represented in disney world somehow. We all do this for our own reasons but I think it all comes down not allowing it to cost you more than can afford, in any way. And knowing from the get-go what you may be getting into , honestly, is the first step to seeing it through with your health, friendships, marriage, finances, heart and mind intact. I read somewhere that 60% of caregivers die BEFORE the loved one that they are caring for. Think about that.
Thank you for the compliment, I am in awe of YOU. You and so many of the others who post here do what you do with such incredible love inside. You inspire me.
I laugh and I cry over the posts here. I have learned so much from each of you. I get you...I understand what goes on here. Sometimes there is a shocker...but for the most part I totally "feel" what each of you is dealing with, or I'm learning about what to look for next.
I vent because I breathe. I swear it is my vocation. What a cheap jip to make it one of the things I best do. I don't want to tell you what to do but if you are listening God....I think I'd rather make reed baskets, ok?...thanks!
This is a warm comfie place to be real. If you are thread lurking...don't be afraid to stick your toe in the water and post.
I agree with really thinking it through. In my case mom had lived across the street from us for 23 years. My husband and i decided we wanted to move to another town out in the country. So we talked to mom and told her what we were willing to do.....did she want to stay or go with us. Well, after 15 months of looking we found our dream home...moved and took mom with us. Boy oh boy did I forget how mom could be. Make sure you think it through.
Hello all, just thought id jump on the bandwagon here and vent myself! Im currently taking care of aunt(really aunt in law) and 5 kids to boot(all mine) ages 4 to 12. Her and I have been jokinly calling her cat lady. I found one just before christmas and she claimed it as her christmas present:) fine by me, its kept her off the kids back, pronlem is the last month she no longer let's it out of its cage unless im in there, so you know what that means...and if im not in there lettin him out she cries that he's in the cage...when he's out she terrified he will get hurt. Anyways today she shows me a picture from her dr. Results of an mri which appear to look like she has some issues aside from the stroke she had that broughtf her to my home. And then it hit me hard, this could go on for years!!! Not to be mean,that scares the hell outta me. For my kids more than myself. I don't want them to grow up walking on egg shells in their own home. I don't want to either. I don't want to miss all of there speacial awards and school functions(I missed a very speacial one last week cause she was having a weepy day). And they didn't participate in sports this year. We thought she had had this stroke,her hubby just past away. She didn't want to go to a home. I have experience,so I gave up my job op. She built her on her own room. And here we are. I've thought for a few weeks she is different. Some of the crazyness is her personality. The other stuff is new. But she isn't that lovy cuddly grandma type, she is that never had kids, so she thinks they are always up to somthing type. Omg,I've been on verge of tears all day. She seemed so fragile, so elderly,so end of her life. Who would say no to that. Well I would have for the childrens sake. I would never had brought a progressive dementia patient into my home for the long haul. Not with my kids so little. Unless it "was" their cuddly grandmas who love them. I could see my mom living here, I could have seen my mil here. She would have loved living here. Sorry just venting.
Welcome Lori and otter,,,,if ya'll have been reading along you know we are a very loving and supportive bunch here. I am otherwise known as Chaquita. Long story and an ongoing story, will fill you in if need be. Yes we get a little crazy, but at least you will get honest loving support here. We laugh to keep from crying and some(not me) drink alot.. I take pain pills for my wonder filled time off of being wounded in the line of duty. Please let us know about ya'll and prepare for a different kind of journey. Keep coming back..
hi Lori71.....the col belongs to me....she is my mil and just keeps getting loonier every day. Her passion is her mascara....aren't all 86 yr olds supposed to wear blackest black mascara plastered all over their eyes? By the way, she still has the brown on, but it's starting to wear off....bath time tomorrow..heeheehee. She doesn't like bathing, dry undies, taking the dog outside, let's see what else? She is completely incorrigible as you will learn by reading my posts.
Just got home from the accountant......ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyy.......that's a where's the pillow moan........since no taxes taken out of my retirement or SS disability last year..........we only owe the feds almost $5000...:O......I wanted to look him straight in the eye and say "OBMAJ".....:) Saw the col and told her I would be back in a few minutes to help her change wet undies.....oh no you don't have to do that, I will go do that right now.....right, I see you have been sitting around drowning your butt all day.....I think I'm ready for a rum and coke....isn't it five o'clock somewhere? Oh wait a minute....it's that time here.
Today, I put shirts in the mail to Peach.....cannot wait to get them back, will wear them proudly!
Will check in later after my fun evening of checking on the col.... Hugz to all of you, JAM
there's no such thing as a loving cuddly dementia patient. If I had it to do again I wouldn't. that simple. I have a few regrets in my life and this is a BIG ONE. I don't give a shit how much you love someone. full on dementia caregiving should be done by professionals and I couldn't think of any worse thing in your house with your kids as dementia unless it's mental illness, alcoholism and the abuse that goes with that. They're about even. I am still sick and weak and my mom died at the end of May. I love her, I loved her and I worked my FOOL head off to make her happy. I gave up a job that I loved and moved to a state that I hated to wipe ass and take abuse from mom and her 'friends' who, btw, never showed up unless I called and begged them to come and sit with her. I couldn't leave, mind you, but once in awhile a particular lady would come over and I would make and serve dinner and double my work load so my mom could have a 'friend'. Like I said, FOOL. If some self righteous sob wants to tell you that it's your duty, etc, I empower you to smack them in the nuts or in what passes for nuts these days. Modern med has made bodies outlive brains and man oh man, whatta boo boo that is. I am talking Dementia here, not heart or other problems where a human being is still a human being. I always considered my mom to be a human being and she was, but what I forgot is that I am a human being too. Way out of balance. With Dementia all bets are off so just say no. Now I'll apologize for venting but I hate to see another woman or a Ted get sucked into this LIVING HELL.
Also, I never had kids and I am still so happy that I made that decision. Didn't want them and don't miss what I didn't want. Even if I had kids there is no way I would EVER do something like this to them.
Everybody is going to pussyfoot around and tell you about the disney version (whoever said that, brilliant) Consider the source and they are clueless. If you take advice from a 'pro' as in social worker or psychologist keep in mind that they are clueless also. If someone has not LIVED as a caregiver for a dementia patient 24/7/365 they are clueless and will try to shove their uninformed pap down your throat. Don't fall for it. Get mom in a good home with pro caregivers and show up for dinner a few times a week. Then you still get to be the daughter and not a nurse and she still gets to be your mom and not a patient. Look on this site and click through to some of the offerings and do your research. I truly feel that I will be dead before the year is out and I have no one to blame but myself. There are others here that were/are caregivers way longer than me. (I was almost 6 years by the time mom died and am still dealing with stressful mom stuff. and there's all kinds of opinions, but unless you are wired for this kind of thing it can kill you. just sayin lovbob
Hey allshesgot....I'm right there with you. My Mom was the most loving caring Mom Grammy you would ever want until she got dementia. Now my grandchildren avoid her at all cost and then she gets upset when they don't want to hug her or talk to her. She keeps saying she has no idea what she did to them to make them be mean to her. The sad but true part is that she has no idea what she's doing most of the time. I have tried to explain to her that she sometimes does and says mean things and it's not her fault....she forgets and they remember and are too young to understand it's the disease that's talking. I cannot imagine what you must be going through having your children there everyday...at least mine get to go home and get away from all the craziness. The only advise I have for you is to come back here and vent often. I cannot remember how long ago I found this thread, but it has saved me many times from taking a long walk off of a short pier.
Now for my venting....sorry! I started out having a great day...getting a lot of cleaning out done before the weather is nice and I want to be outside. I went downstairs and Dad was wearing a different pair of pants then those he had on when I went upstairs. Well, apparently he pulled the hose off of his catheter again and instead of telling me he tried ....I don't know what. He had taken a drawer full of clean clothes and put them on the bed to soak up the pee.....and I was just celebrating that I had all the laundry caught up. I had carpet to shampoo and tons of peed clothes and bedding to wash. What aggravates me the most is that he doesn't just tell me when things like this happen so that I can do damage control. I am never demeaning to him and I tell him I know he's imbarrassed, but these things happen and I don't mind cleaning up if he would just tell me from the start. At least this time it was just pee and not the other. On top of that my hubby talked me into a new puppy.....oh the joy.....will it ever end?
Hope all of you are having a great day....if not....tomorrow is another new day to try and turn things around.
Would really love to know how to get one of those OBMAJ shirts. When my sisters and my brother ask what it stands for I just want to tell them it's something that only unselfish people would understand..I know I'm mean sometimes, but days like this I just cannot help it.
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All of the garbage and trash is already cleaned out and what is left is the estate sale stuff. I don't have the luxury of torching it. Need the money.
Whatever is left over I will donate to Goodwill. Or Badwill or the the Veterans....or to ?
Have already donated about 45-50K worth of NEW books to the Friends schools (to the new guys, mom had a beautiful bookstore [a very long and boring story as to why that bookstore is closed.... see previous post about 'shithole town'])and all of the clothes and most of the kitchen stuff went to the Veterans.
Well, I am proof that this shit can really make you sick so be careful my beautiful angels.
Thank you again for caring about me. Love you all,
lovbob
I know where you are. Hubby's from Ellensberg and we lived in Kirkland and Marysville for a while. I'm not telling your CA relatives where I live if you won't. Please.
When Mother is not draining all the energy from us, this is a PARTY HOUSE! Whoo Hoo!
I'm getting too old NOT to party when I have the chance.
Here it's: Oh NO it's Monday again, let's have a margarita and pretend it's Sunday; Tequila Tuesday, Trash Day Wednesday, Chiropractor Thursday, and TGIFriday. Then we have Saturday and Party-On Dude Sunday, and it starts all over again. All days are fitting for a party at Christina's. I live on hors-d'oeuvres and crudites. Nibble, nibble. Or nom nom, as HB says.
Anyway, we live close to resorts, 20 minutes from beaches and South Coast Plaza. How bad can it be? Well, we know.
I quit my job and gave up my life only to be broke and crazy after it was all said and done.
figure out a way to keep your job! These are your peak earning years and when the time comes for Soc Sec, your account will be greatly diminished. Mine is a joke. I have to get a job when I am finished with the estate sale and I am not afraid of working, have worked like an animal all my life, but jeeze.. what would have been a nice pension and SS turned into pennies on the dollar.
So... depending on what job you have..... make the decision accordingly. I love/loved my mom completely and worked myself sick to make her happy and her last years joyful.
Another caregiver on this site said: I feel like I added 5 years onto her life and took 5 years off of mine.
My approach was WAY out of balance. Try and keep your job and get help right off the bat before you are sucked in like I was and like some of the others were.
Tell us more about your mom......
lovbob
Welcome, Sister.
HUGS, Christina
otter- talk about quittin ur job to care for ur mom , i quit my job to take care of dad , he ask me if i would and that he would pay my bills , i didnt mind it cuz i hated my job and my job sent me home alot cuz theres nothing there to do . been at the same job for 10 yrs . i dont miss it one bit , i thank dad alot for me to stay home with him . but then im thinking , shit i have no money to pay my bills when he s gone ! what do i do ?? i will have to go find me a job ! the way the ecomeny is ,,its pretty scary . my job told me that they d hire me back if i need to go back , but i dont want to go back there , that job i done tore up my body and i still ache and hurt after doing it for 10 yrs . they ruined me now dad s trying so hard not to hurt me , hes dead weigh heavy guy , bless his heart . i dont have any regrets , i love my dad and i d do it again just for my dad .
if you know that u be well off if ur mom passes away then go for it but if u know that ure gonna struggle like hell then u best off not to quit ur job . hang on to it !
come back and let us know what u decided .
christina , my barn is a party barn when summers here . crank the music up and enjoy the beer , shots , margaritta . smoke alotta . bring dad out there and crank the country music for him , ohh he likes that ,.
gotta walk my dog , u all have a good evening , xoxoxo
The OBMAJ thing came from a woman named Amber Jane who was really chastising us here on the thread a while back & Bobbie was trying to tell her what was going on & she told her, "Oh, Bite Me Amber Jane" so that's how the OBMAJ got it's start! If you're having a difficult day, it's a good way to tell somebody off instead of, well, you get the idea, just tell 'em OBMAJ...you know what it is & they don't! LOL You can explain it to 'em if you're so inclined, too!
***The OBMAJ comment came on a very difficult day when one of our beloved friends was on deathwatch in the hospital with her mom. Amber Jane came on with the redundent "oh my, simply get another toothbrush" theory without bothering to read the first few comments & see what the thread is about.
Bobbie's snap back "Oh just BITE ME Amber Jane" had me laughing for days depite the sorrowful occassion.
There are some things you just don't mess with here. Why we are strong, even some of us sometimes silent ones.
I doubt AJ enjoyed her 15 seconds of fame ... but her tone & timing simply stank.
Peach has designed a logo for shirts, etc.
The last of dad's medical equipment has been picked up and given away..... The door to his room is kept closed, so this way here I swear I can still smell his smell..... Have been to the cemetery once..... younger sister is moving to Illinois tomorrow......... my daughter moved out and will be getting married next year...... so its just mom me and the dog..... and lots of repairs to this old house... and lest me not forget the everloving and reliable Martini's ..........Each of you are in my daily thoughts and prayers, especially at 330 everday, when I turn on my special angel light....... love and hugs to all!!!!!!!!!
angi ! good to hear from you . so sorry that u had a meltdown . golly i know that feeling , always doing everything for everybody eles but they dont do one thing for us . soon i ll be hearing whats for supper ! ? i am so happy that u re enjoyin 330 lamp time . :-) i bet its beautiful , i never knew about that memory lamp , wow . my mil has one but its very very old , my step bil says its his when shes gone , imthinkin bullshit ! mil said it was her hubbys so his son says its his next ,. i think imgonna grab them and run and if he mention about the lamp im gonna say oh mom sold it in the yard sale for 50 cents :-) she told me she doesntthink it belong to her hubby in the first place , i told her oh ill be sure to tell him u sold it for 50 cents , she giggled , so i believe that is what im going to do .
went outside to pick up alotta sticks and limbs and branches wow !! suns a shiney lit cool but hey its nice .
walk my dog and now shes sitting out in the front happy camper .
xoxo
Lori, welcome and thank you.
silent newbies??
how many people are reading this thread?
If you don't want to post, just hit the FB 'like' at the top so we get an idea. In fact everybody that hasn't hit that thang .... if y'all don't mind.
Thanks to all that are saying thanks.
Sorry if we scared anyone but this is a MAJOR undertaking and can rearrange your future before you know it and after you can do something about it.
Now a good personal sign: I'm hungry and want a nice sandwich.
gotta go out and shark a ride to the Publix and get some Turkey Tittie.
lovbob
Would I give up a job for this? Everyone's situation is different. But if I knew then what I know now...I'd say probably not, or at least not as early as I did.
I hubby and I lost jobs so that part was not in our control. We moved in to help care for grandma when my mother threw in the towel and put up the white flag. My mother wanted to continue to work to put a bit more into her SS, and grandma is in hospice needing 24-7 care. At the time we moved in her life expectancy was 0-12 months, so I took over care of grandma officially 3x per week (which has turned into 5+ to 7 --which includes can you watch grandma while I "insert errand here" and her respite weeks yes I allow my mother vacation).
This arrangement was supposed to end when my mother was eligible for retirement so I could go back to work and then she would watch her own mother. I suppose you can guess who doesn't want to quit her job now. If you guessed my mother...you would be correct! Ding ding!!! So I'm still caring for grandma while mom works and for whatever else. I am unpaid and live in a basement. We don't pay rent here but I wouldn't really expect to in a place where you can't control your own thermostat, and are on call 24 hours a day. My hubbie and I cover our own expenses as he is now employed so we are not receiving board either.
I was ok giving up a year of employment, but staring down nose of the beginning of the 3rd year is starting to wig me out. My own retirement egg is slowly diminishing before I even get started. I hadn't planned for this to go on this long. If there was another way, I'd be working. I can't see giving my entire hourly wage away to another caregiver and gran doesn't isn't financially set up as well as she thinks she is. So I'm stuck. The USA is not kind to people who must take care of their elderly. Really they need to fix that.
Personal relationships also suffer. I was very lonely and isolated before I discovered this site. I don't get out very often and my plans are very frequently irratic and subject to change in response to Dame Dementia's current condition. I'm not a great friend at the moment. So I get left at the curb frequently. People who are thrilled that grandma is still alive don't come to visit us or offer to take a few hours shift.
Gran is in hospice, she is our region's longest living continuously enrolled hospice patient. I found that out on Sunday from the nurse. I know that she will outlive us all. I totally believe that she can strip a day to a month from your life, adding it to her own, just by sitting across the room from you. Her life-steal is most effective in her own living room. Grown adults fall asleep in the middle of sentences in that room for NO reason at all. The hospice nurse that rushed over here on Sunday fell asleep on the couch between her sentences. That was hard to watch!
Is it worth it? For grandma it is definately worth the effort to keep her home. This is where she wants to be and this is where she wants to die. I'm glad I'm able to help her end her life the way she wants to. Aside from having to do everything for her, I'm happy to have had some quality one-on-one time with her when she happens to be lucid.
I'd really like my life back though and I'm not looking forward to my own mother's need for care when or if it becomes her turn. I hope that when grandma does pass, that my mom gets some enjoyment from life and that nothing happens to her which would necessitate another hijacking of my life. Jeebus...who would jump on the same hijacked plane twice? I am lucky in one thing. I do have a brother and he is stepping up to take care of our father. Our parents are divorced. He will come over here when I go to India, and I go over there if he needs something with dad.
I am a short-timer at the moment...I am getting a month's respite which is practically unheard of...usually you have to break a knee to get that much time off...(sorry chaquita). I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize and not lose my mind before next tuesday....tuesday...tuesday....
Anyhow, welcome to the thread! This thread and the buds in it are lifesavers.
Love and stuff
HB
Pooh-professor
bobbie- i love naps . havent had one in a while , ah ababy girls home bye u all xox
There is a lot of stuff involved with this, most which you won't find on any discussion boards or articles. The financial aspect is only a part of the sacrifice you will be making, and doing whatever you can now to retain that part of your life is a good move.
We certainly understand your desire to keep mom from a nursing home, but PLEASE keep yourself out of one too by planning wisely! Consider hiring help right from the start, whether it is completely justified right now or not, Mom is going to continue to decline and having it in place from the start will make things that much simpler later on.
Seriously, Try to keep as much of your life intact as you can, for yourself and your mom. I had made the mistake of gallantly thinking that -of course, in the state that mom is in, SHE is the priority but I have recently ( and not a minute too soon) realized that the best way to go about this, for her sake and mine, and everyone else involved with either one of us, is to keep a strong grip on balancing your care between yourself and your mom.
I'm sure there are other's here who could explain themselves much better than I have but PLEASE keep reading this thread and any other's you can find, even the ones who try to convince us all that the life of a caregiver should be a represented in disney world somehow.
We all do this for our own reasons but I think it all comes down not allowing it to cost you more than can afford, in any way.
And knowing from the get-go what you may be getting into , honestly, is the first step to seeing it through with your health, friendships, marriage, finances, heart and mind intact.
I read somewhere that 60% of caregivers die BEFORE the loved one that they are caring for.
Think about that.
Thank you for the compliment, I am in awe of YOU. You and so many of the others who post here do what you do with such incredible love inside. You inspire me.
I laugh and I cry over the posts here. I have learned so much from each of you. I get you...I understand what goes on here. Sometimes there is a shocker...but for the most part I totally "feel" what each of you is dealing with, or I'm learning about what to look for next.
I vent because I breathe. I swear it is my vocation. What a cheap jip to make it one of the things I best do. I don't want to tell you what to do but if you are listening God....I think I'd rather make reed baskets, ok?...thanks!
This is a warm comfie place to be real. If you are thread lurking...don't be afraid to stick your toe in the water and post.
We don't bite or ask you to...unless you're AJ.
Love, HB
Love you Ted!
Just got home from the accountant......ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyyy.......that's a where's the pillow moan........since no taxes taken out of my retirement or SS disability last year..........we only owe the feds almost $5000...:O......I wanted to look him straight in the eye and say "OBMAJ".....:)
Saw the col and told her I would be back in a few minutes to help her change wet undies.....oh no you don't have to do that, I will go do that right now.....right, I see you have been sitting around drowning your butt all day.....I think I'm ready for a rum and coke....isn't it five o'clock somewhere? Oh wait a minute....it's that time here.
Today, I put shirts in the mail to Peach.....cannot wait to get them back, will wear them proudly!
Will check in later after my fun evening of checking on the col....
Hugz to all of you,
JAM
If I had it to do again I wouldn't. that simple.
I have a few regrets in my life and this is a BIG ONE.
I don't give a shit how much you love someone. full on dementia caregiving should be done by professionals and I couldn't think of any worse thing in your house with your kids as dementia unless it's mental illness, alcoholism and the abuse that goes with that. They're about even.
I am still sick and weak and my mom died at the end of May.
I love her, I loved her and I worked my FOOL head off to make her happy.
I gave up a job that I loved and moved to a state that I hated to wipe ass and take abuse from mom and her 'friends' who, btw, never showed up unless I called and begged them to come and sit with her. I couldn't leave, mind you, but once in awhile a particular lady would come over and I would make and serve dinner and double my work load so my mom could have a 'friend'.
Like I said, FOOL.
If some self righteous sob wants to tell you that it's your duty, etc, I empower you to smack them in the nuts or in what passes for nuts these days.
Modern med has made bodies outlive brains and man oh man, whatta boo boo that is.
I am talking Dementia here, not heart or other problems where a human being is still a human being. I always considered my mom to be a human being and she was, but what I forgot is that I am a human being too. Way out of balance.
With Dementia all bets are off so just say no.
Now I'll apologize for venting but I hate to see another woman or a Ted get sucked into this LIVING HELL.
Also, I never had kids and I am still so happy that I made that decision. Didn't want them and don't miss what I didn't want. Even if I had kids there is no way I would EVER do something like this to them.
Everybody is going to pussyfoot around and tell you about the disney version (whoever said that, brilliant) Consider the source and they are clueless. If you take advice from a 'pro' as in social worker or psychologist keep in mind that they are clueless also.
If someone has not LIVED as a caregiver for a dementia patient 24/7/365 they are clueless and will try to shove their uninformed pap down your throat. Don't fall for it.
Get mom in a good home with pro caregivers and show up for dinner a few times a week. Then you still get to be the daughter and not a nurse and she still gets to be your mom and not a patient.
Look on this site and click through to some of the offerings and do your research.
I truly feel that I will be dead before the year is out and I have no one to blame but myself. There are others here that were/are caregivers way longer than me. (I was almost 6 years by the time mom died and am still dealing with stressful mom stuff.
and there's all kinds of opinions, but unless you are wired for this kind of thing it can kill you.
just sayin
lovbob
Now for my venting....sorry! I started out having a great day...getting a lot of cleaning out done before the weather is nice and I want to be outside. I went downstairs and Dad was wearing a different pair of pants then those he had on when I went upstairs. Well, apparently he pulled the hose off of his catheter again and instead of telling me he tried ....I don't know what. He had taken a drawer full of clean clothes and put them on the bed to soak up the pee.....and I was just celebrating that I had all the laundry caught up. I had carpet to shampoo and tons of peed clothes and bedding to wash. What aggravates me the most is that he doesn't just tell me when things like this happen so that I can do damage control. I am never demeaning to him and I tell him I know he's imbarrassed, but these things happen and I don't mind cleaning up if he would just tell me from the start. At least this time it was just pee and not the other. On top of that my hubby talked me into a new puppy.....oh the joy.....will it ever end?
Hope all of you are having a great day....if not....tomorrow is another new day to try and turn things around.
Would really love to know how to get one of those OBMAJ shirts. When my sisters and my brother ask what it stands for I just want to tell them it's something that only unselfish people would understand..I know I'm mean sometimes, but days like this I just cannot help it.