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Miz I am praying for your family. My mother went through the cancer thing with my grandma when she was 83, i think towards the end they regretted trying but only because she had gone through major surgeries against the advice of her dr. At the will of some of the children. She finaly got tired of trying and pain. I hope it ends a better way for your mil. Be there for that hubby. They are so speacial and have such a tie to their mommys. :)
Hi Maxine here I noticed for a while they delete post because I write down the number I stop reading when I get behind and when I go back to that number the post have changed I thought that was why they were going to the time but then we would really notice things being deleated -why deleate post if we are upset with something someone wrote we know how to handle OBMAJ. I was so angery at my ex dil last night I almost said bite me to her I was accused of being rude to her anyway and I wasn't-I said good by and hung up before not nice words spilled out of my mouth Ladee do not over do the cleaning to need this time to be in good shape to deal with Ruth and her clueless family-that poor nursing will be glad when she leaves-they probably do not get it if you make fewer complaints you are listen to more often,
Hey guys, on my way to my friends funeral. Quite on the homefront with sister, didn't have to see her. She showed up at my brothers and he came and got mom and dad! Mom is really pissed at her attitude, oh well, maybe she'll slap the b...for me!
Chillout, I found your post very interesting. My aunt does the sme thing up and down all hrs. Of the night to use the bathroom. We just bought her a t.v. in her room to give her something to do when she cant sleep. She saw to dr. Today and he gave her a paper on how to fall asleep peacefully:( really. She is on the same pill you mentioned. I lukly dont have to get up with her in the night,yet. Her walking is getting worse. I put her to bed and somehow she does it herself at night. I decided to let her alone and do it as long as she can. I know it can get tiring getting up all hrs. In the night with them, and i know there will come a time when i have to im sure. Maxine- I notied to i was never able to find the aj thing. is there a quicker way to go back through the archives than looking at the last ten post. I found this to be tiring. Bobbie - my husbnd bought a small boat this weekend and i thought about you guys. I told him i wasnt going on it, but then i thought maybe i should try, it sounds like there may be somthing relaxing about the water, it seems everyone here loves it.
OMG... just got back from my friends funeral. Glad to hear before he passed that he accepted the LORD. You guys are not going to believe this one. While I was gone they, my parents, were brought back to the house after eating and my sister showed up here saying that I should apologize to her!!! Of course, when my dad lit into her and said, "Why? You caused her to go thru hell and back and make all kinds of false charges against her and she did nothing to you!!! Hell, the DA wanted her to press criminal charges against you. What did she do? She just sat there and said, "That's right, go ahead and take her side as always!!!" Then dad supposedly lost it and said ok, what's she suppose to apologize for? She said NOTHING more to them, got up and walked out the door leaving my precious parents crying until just now when I got back. That's it!!! I don't care if I ever talk with that bitch again much less lay eyes on her... How sick does she have to get before I put her away only this time for a just cause.....
oh still I'm so sorry you had to come home to that.....how sad for you and your parents. Do you think she will go away or try something else to stir the pot? I think if it were me I would get a restraining order against her just to be on the safe side. Those kind of people don't stop until they have completely destroyed you and that seems to be her mission in life. She is already sick and I don't think she understands that she should stop....but for right now I think you need to stay on your toes and very alert....she didn't get your parents on "her side" and I have a feeling that was her agenda. Be careful!
The thing is my Mom does sleep. I just think that because of the urge to pee is so often she does not have time to get into the deeper realm of sleep before she has to pee. And when she gets up it is productive, not enough in my opinion to wake her from a normal sleep. As I said, the same dosage for 8yrs as well....everyone builds up a tolerance to meds after a time. I hope this "tweak" of her meds will do the job.
so glad you got to get some sleep chill.......the caregivers are the experts on what is going on and if the doctor is not willing to listen to what you have to say, then it's time to find someone new who will listen. When we took col to doc last week he listened to everything we said, agreed to take her off Zyprexa and add Ativan instead. Today, after hubby got a full-blast of her argumentative attitude, and stubborn streak, he hid around the corner while I took her to bathroom to change, listened to her argue with me about poop under her nails, found out she has been feeding $8/per pound almonds to the dog..........he got in her face and told her changes were coming and agreed to moving Ativan to daytime. Told her she had to trim her nails......OMG she actually asked me if I would do it for her.....trimmed, filed, and polished....her hands really looked nice....won't last long though. Anyway, that was a long way to get to she MUST calm herself down during the day.....I don't know how much crap I can continue to take from her. Time now to remake her bed and give night meds. Will check in later...............
Hello everyone, miz how are things for you today? Jam, she sounds just like Ruth. She would argue with a stump if I set one before her. And the diaper thing. She would get so upset and angry because I needed to throw it away. I hope COL does not progress to the physical violence Ruth did. I am going to visit her tomorrow and try and find out what meds and stuff she is on. Family got a call that she fell in the bath. Daughter didn't even bother to go check, so I will tomorrow. I know how exhausting it is so please know I understand and am sending you hugs, Still OMG what a crazy sister. I thought I was the only one. I am so sorry that your parents had to be so upset. You know they are wondering where this monster child came from. I agree about the restraining order, and I am sorry you have this added stress. I haven't got caught up on posts today, so will check back in later.
still, stress like that is bad on old folks. Can cause a stroke. I say a restraining order is in order. Not trying to scare you, sweetie. Just a fact. :(
ladee, thanks for asking. I think I have been in denial mode today. Hubby is keeping me busy looking at houses. Hubby's brother and his family are at the hospital now. They flew in from Texas today. Hubby says we will probably go up this weekend but I know he will decide to go. We need to go. We're getting pretty darn good at packing and unpacking. I have a suitcase with beauty products that stay there permanently. I know all this driving is wearing hubby out. We'll be sleeping on a couch and recliner now cause BIL and his wife and their little boy will have the spare bedroom. Totally fine with us. We can't afford to stay in a hotel close to the hospital. Dang it's expensive in the Chicago area!! I am depressed. Too soon after Mom's passing and way too early in MIL's life for this to be happening. So much going on. We bury Mom and Dad's ashes in May. That won't be fun. Just lots of bad shit going on. Kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't help but have a negative attitude. Sorry.
Miz I do not think you are in denial, you are simply on overload. God created us with this shut off valve when life gets to big and too real. You have had too much to bear in a short period of time. Only the strong persevere and that is what you are doing under very painful circumstances. And you are carrying some of the load for your husband also. There is a book I refer to often and in it is says" we trudge the road to happy destiny" it doesn't say we skip, or slide it says trudge. There will come a time when your footsteps are not so heavy, so know that you are loved, that I honor your pain, but I also honor your strength. My heart hurts for you and your husband. I can not imagine what all he is feeling right now, but tell him he is also honored for what he is approaching. I can not make your load lighter, but I can acknowledge that you are carrying it. Just love and hugs, prayers for you both. It is ok to be tired, it is not ok to quit. love
Dear Still, I can't even imagine what that must have been like. To come home to sobbing parents. Ow. You have so much strength and what a blessing you are to your folks. I think Miz and Jam are right. Restraining order. Last time I checked, lol, around 250 bucks.
Miz, you are the nicest person and Ladeeda nailed it, we are built with a shut off valve. You are doing so well in the face of all of this and I know personally what a good team you and your husband are. You will both come out of this at the other end and you will find your new home and you will have peace. I know that everyone here is saying a prayer and sending those angels to you both and to your mil and her family. I love you Miz. Lots.
Ladeeda, what a beautiful voice you are on this thread. You have suffered so and you have the strength to reach out to others, including me, and make a big difference. I know that I feel so much better after reading your words and I thank you again.
Jam, thanks for sharing your vast knowledge of the pharmacy, side effects and the details of your struggle with caregiving to those who need the info, and wage the same battles feeling ill equipped to deal. Here's a thought and I don't know if your mil would do it or it may just be too much for you to handle and I get it but: What about a trip to the dept store makeup counter? You know how if you show up with a scrubbed face they'll slather the stuff all over you and then you just buy a lipstick or something. Take her in, say: we're going for the 2 dollar hooker look and they'll paint her all up nice and wild and maybe she'll have a good time and maybe you will too.....? or not.... My mom would sit for me to do her hair and makeup. She got into all my Estee Lauder that I used to use when i was still working and ruined the brushes and loose powder, etc. I almost got upset but when I saw how much she loved playing with it, I just gave up and would help her and she loved it. besides, I wasn't using it anymore. who had time to put on makeup when you're a caregiver?? Those of you who can/could keep up your appearances while caregiving, you have my respect!! Mom always looked good and I always looked like crapola. Jam! here's another one. If you mil likes to argue, agree with her no matter what she says. In order for an argument to go on, both parties are trying to be right. Who cares? She's demented and it really doesn't matter. If you agree with her it kills the argument right there. She is sick and she is not going to do what you want her to do and she is not going to learn. Cut everybody a break and just give up on those apects. She's not lying to you about wet pants, she REALLY believes that she is ok. know that going in and save both of you the stress. Or Jam, maybe it's just time to find a facility for her so you don't have to live like this. Placing someone in a loving facility is not a bad thing. We hear the bad stories but not the good ones where the moms have a good time and feel like they are being waited on hand and foot. I know how stressed you are by reading your posts and girl, there is not one person who would tell you squat if that is what you decide to do, including, I bet, your husband. All 3 of you would be way better off. Whaddya think? Want your life back? Contact 'A Place for Mom' or one of the places here on the site and they will begin to send you info about places in your area that you can go and check out. Screw the fact that you have the little apt for her and all. It's obviously not working. Rent that sucker out and make some $. tough tittie about the dog too. Jam, now you know that I have been thinking of you and your husband and your mil for awhile..... Everybody's dementia is different so everybody will deal with it differently. One of the things that worked for me was to know that when you are dealing with the demented what you have on your face is what you will get back. Walk in with a frown and frustration and you will get that back. I had to learn that with mom which is why I used so much humor in my interaction with her. It was hard for her to be mad at me when she was laughing. It may be a hard pattern to break at this point but it is well worth it if you can drum up the patience.
Chillout: congrats on getting sleep. That's the #1 issue, in my opinion, of caregiving. No sleep and we are zombies with zero coping skills. Nice, Chill!
allshesgot: yas!! there is indeed something very relaxing about the water. I am up early and right on the river so I am watching the sun rise as I write this. A small boat is not that much of a mystery to drive. Learn how and then take it out by yourself in the early morning. What body of water are you near? I know I might be saying something that is not a doable deal for you but if you get a chance, take the boat out alone at dawn on glassy water. You will feel your BP come down and have a new take on things, I am not kidding. We all come from the saline water whether you believe in evolution or just understand swimming in your mother's womb. Maybe that's why it feels so peaceful.
Ted!!! way to go bro!! go on out there and have fun fun fun and I love that your creative side is getting a workout. You animal you. Love ya and really look forward to hanging out someday!
Cuz! I love ya cousin and thanks again for the words of wisdom. I had thought that too, that if she owned it I would be able to cope with her. thinking about C's history, there is never one thing that she acknowledged as hers, including when her dog ripped my face open and when they both tried to bilk my folks out of a lot of $$ (i was in the middle of that and actually I am the one who figured it out and saved my folks from a major financial disaster). She is tight with the 'lord' and so it's everybody else's fault and she's just a victim. So i guess at the end of the day she will not apologize and if she is in the early stages of dementia it's game over for the past and apologies and all of that stuff that's important to us but only for a blink in time. so, with that being said my dear Cousin, I can't wait for you and yours to come down here and we will have a blasteroonie on this here tub and hugs and kisses all around!
I was just paging back through the posts in order to write this and came across the stuff about the little girl again. I had forgotten it already so let me address the questions from Rip the Stich, whom I hold in the highest regard: Reality TV: Little People, was a show where they got the attention of production from an article in People mag. what was real was that they are a real family with all the trials and tribulations of a real family with the 'little' part taking the main stage. The family is not going to come up with story ideas. They can't. they're not trained for it and have no earthly idea how to structure a story to make you sit there and watch. That's where the producers come in. The producers come up with 'situations' (think Situation Comedy: sitcom) and put the family in them complete with conflicts and story resolution just in time. So you have plausible situations with a real family and after much shooting of hours of footage and hours of editing have a watchable tv show. The story has to have a beginning, middle and end, no exceptions. Shorty on the pit bull show is real but his situations are dreamed up by the producers. The best lies always have a nugget of truth in them and yes, he loves pit bulls and yes he's very watchable and yes those are the people who 'work' with him but he is smart enough to let the producers place him in the situations that work the best for him and his people. When reality 'talent' gets confused and actually think they know what's going on and try to run the show they get cancelled because they just don't. Look to Little People. Mr Roloff got confused and tried to run the game and he was gone after one season of that, 7 seasons I think in total. Jon and Kate got confused and went through their craziness and Discovery said oh please. The networks will air what has 'ratings and share' no matter what the real world conflict UP TO A POINT.
Not reality: Charlie Sheen. Two and a Half Men has way enough shows to be sold into syndication and that is all Warner Bros gives a damn about so they stop production and the airing network, CBS, says fine, we don't want him on our airwaves anymore (they have the right to who is on their air and who isn't).
It is vitally important to know that in tv or 'show' business nothing is what it seems. Neither is it what it seems in the News, whatever news ENTERTAINMENT channel you favor: FOX, CNN, MSNBC, Diane Sawyer with the perpetual 'concerned' look or Jon Stewart on the 'Daily Show'. This is why people in the 'industry' call the rest of the people in the world: Civilians. we don't expect them to get it. AnyHoo, what was said hurt my feelings because I know the truth about the family and felt bad on their behalf. And that is my problem, not anyone else's.
Rip, one more thing: TV doesn't owe us anything, If you want to air the plight of the caregiver make a documentary, get an article in People mag, make news somehow. Look at Mickey Rooney... looked like early stage to me and here he is in front of Congress setting caregiving back 10 years. (quote from Ted and I think it's true). 99% of TV is entertainment only. Caregiving is REAL. what we are facing/faced is the real thing and it's not pretty and it's not entertainment.
So here's a thought: Faces of caregiving. Get your video camera if you have one and if you don't, borrow one. Set it up and talk to it about how you really feel. Shoot your parent drooling and being a mess and crapping their pants and you yelling or crying or whatever it is you do to get through it all. If you are not comfortable doing that and don't want to humiliate your parent and yourself you will come to the logical conclusion that this reality is too real and we will have to find a better way. this is why I do NOT have any footage of my mom during her last big fight. I would never have intruded on her life like that.
While I'm on a rant, one more thing: When we are up to our necks in shit, it is hard to have the compassion for someone else, especially folks who are having fun. We look at people who are whooping it up and having a good time (Outrageous Kid Parties) and we get jealous and say nasty things. I know I've done it. If we can keep it in perspective and know that our turn WILL come it will make us less bitter and more loving. We all had so much fun making that little stupid show and we all had so much fun watching it together, with little Aniston asleep in my lap, and next week when I host the launch party for the boat, they'll be here having some more fun. I am truly sorry that ALL of you won't be here with me. I will tell you this: If you want your situation to change, be a producer and make it change. That's what I had to do to get mom in respite and that's what some of you have to do. Make it change, as tired and beat up as you are, make it change. Please forgive me if I have upset anyone. I love you guys, lovbob
allshesgot......before we moved the col down here, Nov 2009, she would drink a BOTTLE of gin every night.....if she didn't have gin she eventually drank every single bottle of wine in the house. We bought her a very nice electric wine opener and she broke it.....overused i guess.....she went to the grocery store and spent about $250 a week on groceries.....don't know where they were because what was in the house couldn't add up to that much and what was in her pantry was at least 10 - 15 yrs old (cans), the freezer in the basement was packed to the door with "food"......there was fish that had been caught by my hubby when he was a boy fishing with his dad and grandpa....hubby is 57!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, off track here....hubby would always call her morning and night to check up on her and she would be so drunk her words were slurred, she would scream at him and call him a "son of............." one night was so drunk we listened to her while she tried to crawl up on her bed couldn't do it...I assume she slept on the floor. The very night we moved her here she had a stashed bottle...got smashed, belligerent, threatened suicide....called county deputies and the ambulance and had her taken to the hospital for a weeks stay in the behavioral unit. Her BA that night tested .385!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So no alcohol for crazy people........she gets mean and nasty and it's not pretty. She's bad enough now when she's sober........if she ever goes over to the violent side, she's out of here and the door won't hit her in the ass while she's leaving. Hubby told her yesterday that he doesn't want to see me crying and upset anymore because of her argumentative attitude....IT WILL STOP BECAUSE MY WIFE COMES FIRST! All I could say was "oh my". Had to go downstairs and turn her bedroom light off again last night and she wanted to just lie in bed and play peek -a-boo with the covers...........do you have any idea how difficult that is when they have been nasty old crones all day? And oh joy....today is bath day! Okay, I sincerely hope this is all I have to whine and moan about today.............
Bobbie, I am so sorry you were hurt. I, for one, had no idea that what was on that show was not real. That it was acting. That little girl did a really good job. She is quite the actress. :) Now we know. I know that no one on this thread would ever want to hurt you. We love you. I'm very sorry you felt bad.
All I can say is bobbie......you are right.....and I am sooooooo glad when you give me a slap up along side the head..:) I need reminding that the col is ill and can't help the way she is and really believes she's "okay". Maybe after bath today and she is all clean I will play with her in her make-up. Since she let me do nails yesterday, maybe she will let me do face today.
Ahhhh, it's no biggie Miz. It's just the feeling you get when you know folks don't know the truth. Can't wait till you come down again and this time we can go swimming off the back of the boat!
Jam! OMG!!! so glad that your husband is there with you. Shady Pines Time....... Remember Golden Girls?
Another successful night!!!!! Up twice then blissful sleep till 8am!! HAPPY DANCE....... She and I both feel better!! Jam, I can not imagine having to deal with someone like you MIL!!!!! My Mom has her moments of hatefulness, but thank God not that often. I agree with Bobbie.......it is the disease. She may have always been this way to some degree, but now it is just magnified. Do what you MUST to keep your sanity and health! I thank God for you alll......and I wish you all a wonderful day!!!
We are gonna look at the mold house tomorrow morning. Realtor says it's just in the basement and there is a crack where they think the moisture is getting in. Hubby called the realtor and asked about taking a look at it. She's like well I'm pretty booked up, let me ask you a couple questions. Hubby says, we will be paying cash and she's like how is tomorrow morning at 9:30?? Ha Ha. I guess money does talk. :)
Maybe we'll just go outside to breathe?? ;)) Just kidding. If we think it's too bad and can not be cleaned up we will not buy it. We won't do anything foolish. :) We've already talked about what if there is an odor, etc. Thanks for your concern, still. :) You are such a sweet one. Just think good thoughts for us okay?
I could just kick in the ass the dumb programmers they have here. On dial up it takes forever just to go back 10 fkn posts....I am trying to track back to my last post see responses and it is taking too long...why COULD THEY NOT JUST PROGRAM IT BY PICKING A PAGE YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO ..HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT would that have been..dumb asses. I could have trouble shooted which page it would have been and saved time...so forget it it is taking too long to go back to that last post.
So folks here I am...on my 4th week of FMLA...boy there where times when I was ready to call a NH and stop the insanity...I hate the late evening sundowning where she sings out my name in a sick way like (PSYCHO) or something and just for nothing..she makes up stuff sometimes..other times it is legit...but always late evening...she sleeps all day try to keep her awake with coffee with caffeine and if you don't watch her she goes back to sleep cause she's nervous wierd tension all night..I think she is afraid of nightime...like death comes at night or something she reminds me of a Brothers Grimm Fairy tale character..totally old world and old world fears. Yick...I can't wait for this end time insanity to be over. I was thinking this morining I can't wait for this anchor of doom and gloom to be gone..her control of her over me is gone...and I can finally do whatever I want whenever I want. Yick...so tired of this depressing scene even though I try to make it light by stealing away into the garden. Man for the past week had some intestinal bacteria that was holding me back...yick. Feel better finally today. Gotta get back to mold abatement in my old bedroom. I have not asked her again about her thoughts about moving in that room. Tough no choice, my queen bed does not fit and she will be getting a hosp bed anyway that is around twin size anyway. I can't wait for this difficult woman to finally be gone. I have really tried to make the best of it, but I am really getting worn out by it. 12 years of being after her butt and these last 2 have been the worst, maybe worst thant the first 6 months when she was making me sick. I can't wait for it to be over. Do you know how depressing this woman is? Here is an example and this is a typical answer, not just ALZHEIMERISH..... "Look outside mom isn't it a beautiful day..nice blue sky...etc"... response " There's nothing outside"...plahhhhhhh yucky response..so depressing. Or she makes remarks it's the same old thing every day every day is the same and she feels like usuall..,.,depressing (wanting to be bedridden old bit\$h)..so as I told her so many times...YOU MAKE YOUR OWN HELL
Sorry this was so negative....it gets to you day in and day out...especially if you try to keep them clean, healthy, fed and somewhat entertained. I feel like I am keeping alive a piece of depressing bitter alzheimerish old piece of flesh alive everyday.....so sad....really time for a NH, but she will never cop to that....but it may come to that..depends if it becomes medical. This is a long drawn out hell. Did I tell you guys about the premonition I had in my early 20's about her....being hell for me later on? That premonition was SPOT ON! I to this day wonder how that happened...premonitions?
Hey all! Sorry I've been MIA for a while. Just in a quiet mood. Have still read all of the posts & have been keeping up with you guys. You've all been in my thoughts! Wishing that I could make things better for all of you! ******************************************************************************** SHIRT INFO: Some of you have written and asked if you still have time to get your shirts to me to have the OBMAJ & biting mouth or the Crew of the Barbara B with the life preserver embroidered on them. Yes, there is still time. Just send what you want it embroidered on to me. If you don't have my address, please contact me through FaceBook & I'll email it to you. The cost for the embroidery is $10 per shirt. Please include that and enough money to mail the shirt(s) back to you when you mail me the shirts. Also, please include what you want on the shirt & where you want it placed. I'll wait to take them to be done until after Mar 15. If you need more time than that, please let me know. If you want to see what the designs look like you can see them on my FaceBook page. If you have any questions please let me know.
Jam, I did receive yours & they will look great on the white! Thanks for doing the return address for me! ******************************************************************************** Love & hugs to everybody! peach
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Jam
Big Hugz!
Jam
Jam
love,
miz
Jam, she sounds just like Ruth. She would argue with a stump if I set one before her. And the diaper thing. She would get so upset and angry because I needed to throw it away. I hope COL does not progress to the physical violence Ruth did. I am going to visit her tomorrow and try and find out what meds and stuff she is on. Family got a call that she fell in the bath. Daughter didn't even bother to go check, so I will tomorrow. I know how exhausting it is so please know I understand and am sending you hugs,
Still OMG what a crazy sister. I thought I was the only one. I am so sorry that your parents had to be so upset. You know they are wondering where this monster child came from. I agree about the restraining order, and I am sorry you have this added stress.
I haven't got caught up on posts today, so will check back in later.
ladee, thanks for asking. I think I have been in denial mode today. Hubby is keeping me busy looking at houses. Hubby's brother and his family are at the hospital now. They flew in from Texas today. Hubby says we will probably go up this weekend but I know he will decide to go. We need to go. We're getting pretty darn good at packing and unpacking. I have a suitcase with beauty products that stay there permanently. I know all this driving is wearing hubby out. We'll be sleeping on a couch and recliner now cause BIL and his wife and their little boy will have the spare bedroom. Totally fine with us. We can't afford to stay in a hotel close to the hospital. Dang it's expensive in the Chicago area!! I am depressed. Too soon after Mom's passing and way too early in MIL's life for this to be happening. So much going on. We bury Mom and Dad's ashes in May. That won't be fun. Just lots of bad shit going on. Kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't help but have a negative attitude. Sorry.
Love yous!! Getting tireder.
love,
miz
I can't even imagine what that must have been like. To come home to sobbing parents. Ow. You have so much strength and what a blessing you are to your folks.
I think Miz and Jam are right. Restraining order. Last time I checked, lol, around 250 bucks.
Miz, you are the nicest person and Ladeeda nailed it, we are built with a shut off valve. You are doing so well in the face of all of this and I know personally what a good team you and your husband are. You will both come out of this at the other end and you will find your new home and you will have peace.
I know that everyone here is saying a prayer and sending those angels to you both and to your mil and her family.
I love you Miz. Lots.
Ladeeda, what a beautiful voice you are on this thread. You have suffered so and you have the strength to reach out to others, including me, and make a big difference. I know that I feel so much better after reading your words and I thank you again.
Jam, thanks for sharing your vast knowledge of the pharmacy, side effects and the details of your struggle with caregiving to those who need the info, and wage the same battles feeling ill equipped to deal.
Here's a thought and I don't know if your mil would do it or it may just be too much for you to handle and I get it but:
What about a trip to the dept store makeup counter? You know how if you show up with a scrubbed face they'll slather the stuff all over you and then you just buy a lipstick or something.
Take her in, say: we're going for the 2 dollar hooker look and they'll paint her all up nice and wild and maybe she'll have a good time and maybe you will too.....? or not....
My mom would sit for me to do her hair and makeup. She got into all my Estee Lauder that I used to use when i was still working and ruined the brushes and loose powder, etc. I almost got upset but when I saw how much she loved playing with it, I just gave up and would help her and she loved it. besides, I wasn't using it anymore. who had time to put on makeup when you're a caregiver??
Those of you who can/could keep up your appearances while caregiving, you have my respect!! Mom always looked good and I always looked like crapola.
Jam! here's another one. If you mil likes to argue, agree with her no matter what she says. In order for an argument to go on, both parties are trying to be right. Who cares? She's demented and it really doesn't matter. If you agree with her it kills the argument right there.
She is sick and she is not going to do what you want her to do and she is not going to learn. Cut everybody a break and just give up on those apects.
She's not lying to you about wet pants, she REALLY believes that she is ok. know that going in and save both of you the stress.
Or Jam, maybe it's just time to find a facility for her so you don't have to live like this. Placing someone in a loving facility is not a bad thing. We hear the bad stories but not the good ones where the moms have a good time and feel like they are being waited on hand and foot.
I know how stressed you are by reading your posts and girl, there is not one person who would tell you squat if that is what you decide to do, including, I bet, your husband.
All 3 of you would be way better off. Whaddya think? Want your life back?
Contact 'A Place for Mom' or one of the places here on the site and they will begin to send you info about places in your area that you can go and check out.
Screw the fact that you have the little apt for her and all.
It's obviously not working. Rent that sucker out and make some $. tough tittie about the dog too.
Jam, now you know that I have been thinking of you and your husband and your mil for awhile.....
Everybody's dementia is different so everybody will deal with it differently.
One of the things that worked for me was to know that when you are dealing with the demented what you have on your face is what you will get back. Walk in with a frown and frustration and you will get that back.
I had to learn that with mom which is why I used so much humor in my interaction with her. It was hard for her to be mad at me when she was laughing.
It may be a hard pattern to break at this point but it is well worth it if you can drum up the patience.
Chillout: congrats on getting sleep. That's the #1 issue, in my opinion, of caregiving. No sleep and we are zombies with zero coping skills. Nice, Chill!
allshesgot: yas!! there is indeed something very relaxing about the water. I am up early and right on the river so I am watching the sun rise as I write this.
A small boat is not that much of a mystery to drive. Learn how and then take it out by yourself in the early morning.
What body of water are you near? I know I might be saying something that is not a doable deal for you but if you get a chance, take the boat out alone at dawn on glassy water. You will feel your BP come down and have a new take on things, I am not kidding.
We all come from the saline water whether you believe in evolution or just understand swimming in your mother's womb. Maybe that's why it feels so peaceful.
Ted!!! way to go bro!! go on out there and have fun fun fun and I love that your creative side is getting a workout.
You animal you. Love ya and really look forward to hanging out someday!
Cuz! I love ya cousin and thanks again for the words of wisdom. I had thought that too, that if she owned it I would be able to cope with her. thinking about C's history, there is never one thing that she acknowledged as hers, including when her dog ripped my face open and when they both tried to bilk my folks out of a lot of $$ (i was in the middle of that and actually I am the one who figured it out and saved my folks from a major financial disaster). She is tight with the 'lord' and so it's everybody else's fault and she's just a victim. So i guess at the end of the day she will not apologize and if she is in the early stages of dementia it's game over for the past and apologies and all of that stuff that's important to us but only for a blink in time.
so, with that being said my dear Cousin, I can't wait for you and yours to come down here and we will have a blasteroonie on this here tub and hugs and kisses all around!
I was just paging back through the posts in order to write this and came across the stuff about the little girl again. I had forgotten it already so let me address the questions from Rip the Stich, whom I hold in the highest regard:
Reality TV:
Little People, was a show where they got the attention of production from an article in People mag. what was real was that they are a real family with all the trials and tribulations of a real family with the 'little' part taking the main stage.
The family is not going to come up with story ideas. They can't. they're not trained for it and have no earthly idea how to structure a story to make you sit there and watch.
That's where the producers come in. The producers come up with 'situations' (think Situation Comedy: sitcom) and put the family in them complete with conflicts and story resolution just in time.
So you have plausible situations with a real family and after much shooting of hours of footage and hours of editing have a watchable tv show.
The story has to have a beginning, middle and end, no exceptions.
Shorty on the pit bull show is real but his situations are dreamed up by the producers.
The best lies always have a nugget of truth in them and yes, he loves pit bulls and yes he's very watchable and yes those are the people who 'work' with him but he is smart enough to let the producers place him in the situations that work the best for him and his people.
When reality 'talent' gets confused and actually think they know what's going on and try to run the show they get cancelled because they just don't. Look to Little People. Mr Roloff got confused and tried to run the game and he was gone after one season of that, 7 seasons I think in total.
Jon and Kate got confused and went through their craziness and Discovery said oh please.
The networks will air what has 'ratings and share' no matter what the real world conflict UP TO A POINT.
Not reality: Charlie Sheen. Two and a Half Men has way enough shows to be sold into syndication and that is all Warner Bros gives a damn about so they stop production and the airing network, CBS, says fine, we don't want him on our airwaves anymore (they have the right to who is on their air and who isn't).
It is vitally important to know that in tv or 'show' business nothing is what it seems. Neither is it what it seems in the News, whatever news ENTERTAINMENT channel you favor: FOX, CNN, MSNBC, Diane Sawyer with the perpetual 'concerned' look or Jon Stewart on the 'Daily Show'.
This is why people in the 'industry' call the rest of the people in the world: Civilians. we don't expect them to get it.
AnyHoo, what was said hurt my feelings because I know the truth about the family and felt bad on their behalf. And that is my problem, not anyone else's.
Rip, one more thing: TV doesn't owe us anything, If you want to air the plight of the caregiver make a documentary, get an article in People mag, make news somehow. Look at Mickey Rooney... looked like early stage to me and here he is in front of Congress setting caregiving back 10 years. (quote from Ted and I think it's true).
99% of TV is entertainment only. Caregiving is REAL. what we are facing/faced is the real thing and it's not pretty and it's not entertainment.
So here's a thought: Faces of caregiving. Get your video camera if you have one and if you don't, borrow one.
Set it up and talk to it about how you really feel. Shoot your parent drooling and being a mess and crapping their pants and you yelling or crying or whatever it is you do to get through it all.
If you are not comfortable doing that and don't want to humiliate your parent and yourself you will come to the logical conclusion that this reality is too real and we will have to find a better way.
this is why I do NOT have any footage of my mom during her last big fight. I would never have intruded on her life like that.
While I'm on a rant, one more thing:
When we are up to our necks in shit, it is hard to have the compassion for someone else, especially folks who are having fun. We look at people who are whooping it up and having a good time (Outrageous Kid Parties) and we get jealous and say nasty things. I know I've done it. If we can keep it in perspective and know that our turn WILL come it will make us less bitter and more loving.
We all had so much fun making that little stupid show and we all had so much fun watching it together, with little Aniston asleep in my lap, and next week when I host the launch party for the boat, they'll be here having some more fun.
I am truly sorry that ALL of you won't be here with me.
I will tell you this: If you want your situation to change, be a producer and make it change. That's what I had to do to get mom in respite and that's what some of you have to do.
Make it change, as tired and beat up as you are, make it change.
Please forgive me if I have upset anyone.
I love you guys,
lovbob
Love and Hugz,
Jam
love,
miz
Jam
Can't wait till you come down again and this time we can go swimming off the back of the boat!
Jam! OMG!!! so glad that your husband is there with you.
Shady Pines Time....... Remember Golden Girls?
lov u guys,
lovbob
lovbob
Jam, I can not imagine having to deal with someone like you MIL!!!!! My Mom has her moments of hatefulness, but thank God not that often. I agree with Bobbie.......it is the disease. She may have always been this way to some degree, but now it is just magnified. Do what you MUST to keep your sanity and health! I thank God for you alll......and I wish you all a wonderful day!!!
Redneck Valentine Poem
Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
love,
miz
So folks here I am...on my 4th week of FMLA...boy there where times when I was ready to call a NH and stop the insanity...I hate the late evening sundowning where she sings out my name in a sick way like (PSYCHO) or something and just for nothing..she makes up stuff sometimes..other times it is legit...but always late evening...she sleeps all day try to keep her awake with coffee with caffeine and if you don't watch her she goes back to sleep cause she's nervous wierd tension all night..I think she is afraid of nightime...like death comes at night or something she reminds me of a Brothers Grimm Fairy tale character..totally old world and old world fears. Yick...I can't wait for this end time insanity to be over. I was thinking this morining I can't wait for this anchor of doom and gloom to be gone..her control of her over me is gone...and I can finally do whatever I want whenever I want. Yick...so tired of this depressing scene even though I try to make it light by stealing away into the garden. Man for the past week had some intestinal bacteria that was holding me back...yick. Feel better finally today. Gotta get back to mold abatement in my old bedroom. I have not asked her again about her thoughts about moving in that room. Tough no choice, my queen bed does not fit and she will be getting a hosp bed anyway that is around twin size anyway. I can't wait for this difficult woman to finally be gone. I have really tried to make the best of it, but I am really getting worn out by it. 12 years of being after her butt and these last 2 have been the worst, maybe worst thant the first 6 months when she was making me sick. I can't wait for it to be over. Do you know how depressing this woman is? Here is an example and this is a typical answer, not just ALZHEIMERISH.....
"Look outside mom isn't it a beautiful day..nice blue sky...etc"...
response
" There's nothing outside"...plahhhhhhh yucky response..so depressing.
Or she makes remarks it's the same old thing every day every day is the same and she feels like usuall..,.,depressing (wanting to be bedridden old bit\$h)..so as I told her so many times...YOU MAKE YOUR OWN HELL
Sorry this was so negative....it gets to you day in and day out...especially if you try to keep them clean, healthy, fed and somewhat entertained. I feel like I am keeping alive a piece of depressing bitter alzheimerish old piece of flesh alive everyday.....so sad....really time for a NH, but she will never cop to that....but it may come to that..depends if it becomes medical. This is a long drawn out hell. Did I tell you guys about the premonition I had in my early 20's about her....being hell for me later on? That premonition was SPOT ON! I to this day wonder how that happened...premonitions?
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SHIRT INFO:
Some of you have written and asked if you still have time to get your shirts to me to have the OBMAJ & biting mouth or the Crew of the Barbara B with the life preserver embroidered on them. Yes, there is still time. Just send what you want it embroidered on to me. If you don't have my address, please contact me through FaceBook & I'll email it to you. The cost for the embroidery is $10 per shirt. Please include that and enough money to mail the shirt(s) back to you when you mail me the shirts. Also, please include what you want on the shirt & where you want it placed. I'll wait to take them to be done until after Mar 15. If you need more time than that, please let me know. If you want to see what the designs look like you can see them on my FaceBook page. If you have any questions please let me know.
Jam, I did receive yours & they will look great on the white! Thanks for doing the return address for me!
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Love & hugs to everybody!
peach