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man havin 5 grandkids here today whew im just glad my youngest daughter was here to help me . tmr im going to have 3grandkids all day long . i think i rather take care of pa than havin to take care of many grandkids , they wore me out !!! mamaw i wanna i wanna , turn my house upside down , had to tell them its mamaws house dont tear it up ! theythought they could eat and drink anywhere , nanana only at the kitchen table . then ha dto go to walmart to get lit bit of grocries 148 dollars plz . ugh !!! i looked at my daughter and told her if she wanna pay for this one , she said ugh no thank u . she knows its a tough tough world out there . pa s eating in bed now . i gonna get him up and move him around so hopefuly he ll get a blast out . its good to hear from u all again . welcome back bobbie321 . :-) poison ivy eeek , i have to get shots for them and smear those clear gel all over me . itchy itchy . tryin so hard not to get them in my eyes , nightmare !! ohyes steriod too . pop em pills and i go flying . rather be boating . float away /
Linda you are amazing. There is no way that anyone would ever leave 6 kids with me. Not going to happen. I'm breaking out in hives just thinking about it. You are more capable than the guy that runs Wal Mart.
You write some funny stuff my friend. love you too.
Miz! Try the baby oatmeal. You can make a poutice with it and then when it's time to wash it off it will go liquid on you so no drain problems.
Hang in there Miz. I know you're having a tough one. Hang in there. We're coming.
I fell asleep when I got here and then just woke up and screwed up by drinking an Ensure. Good stuff but not at 1:30am. I feel like mowing the lawn or something.
Bobbi.... just call me Bob. everybody does. Yo Bob, Hey Bob, Bob on this... I've heard it all.
I do like sound effects. I lose it every time someone gets smacked in the nu!s on America's Funniest Videos and you hear that sound. It sounds like a big red fire alarm bell that you would wham with a ball peen hammer.
There was a store somewhere in Texas I think, when I was still on the road and they had a CRICKET WHISTLE. no kidding.
Man we had more fun with that thing. I was in the band at that time and if the act onstage wasn't getting any laughs we'd use the time tested, Warner Bros cartoons 'crickets' on them.
Got a question for you guys:
I just experienced my mother dying while I held her hand and looked into her eyes. Do you all think that it may be useful to start a thread about what we are all facing?are going to face?
I think that is an excellent idea. In our culture we do not talk about death and dying. In the old days the older person usually remained at home, death was a natural part of life, part of the cycle. Today, with all the life saving and life prolonging measures, (which is not a bad thing), we tend to avoid the subject. It is hard to watch a loved one die. I think that if people understood the process better that it wouldn't be so scary. It is such a blessing to the dying patient to have loved ones around, holding a hand, talking about the imortant things (when possible). It is terrible to watch someone die alone with no one who cares. Frequently, people die in a hospital bed with only medical personell to comfort them. How sad.
Sound Effects Bobbie 321, our thread idea sounds therapeutic. It's something that we all will experience, in some way or another. (Except for our deadbeat siblings, who distance themselves from the entire process.) I'd shy away from said thread, though, as some can become depressing and pathetic. Guess it depends on the content and focus. You are a terrific writing, though, and also very funny. Furthermore, sounds as if you've lived a very interesting life.
As for someone dying alone, I have a different perspective on that. I have read and heard many stories where the loved one dies after their family member leaves the room (as if by choice, to spare them).
It is commonly known that torment can be seen on the face of an individual who dies without God, facing eternal torment. I have heard and read many of those stories, as well. I do believe in life after death, but not reincarnation. We all will die. I believe in eternal life, as specified in God's Word.
Not everyone dies alone. Those who have a relationship with the living God, our Creator, who know him, talk to him, walk with him, and he with them, are never alone, even at their passing. For a saved, born-again individual, absent from the body means they become present with the Lord. I know, because I was lost, living for the devil, but now have a personal relationship with God. He was always there, but I didn't know him, and didn't always understand. He has promised to never forsake one of his own. You can trust his promises.
You say it is terrible to watch someone die alone with no one who cares. Well, if you watched it, they wouldn't be alone, would they? I don't think it's terrible. What is terrible is the way people treat one another while they are still alive. Neglect, abuse and self-interest is rampant. As for dying alone, I don't believe it. God sees all, knows all, and cares for his own. The saddest thing I know is for someone to reject him, to live for the devil, die, and go to hell. Now, that's a tragedy!
As for death, I am not afraid. I have believed the gospel, and know where I will live in eternity. I actually look forward to heaven, as it will be the end to tears, pain, and sorrow. I will live in a mansion, walking on streets of gold. I will walk daily praising my Saviour! I dream of the day. This life is temporal, and sometimes, I just want to fly away. I cope by KNOWING that I have eternal life, because I trusted that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (as no man comes to the Father except by him). His Holy Spirit comforts me, and guides me daily, when I care to listen.
As for death, some will not see it, and were translated. What joy to die to this world, and see the face of the one who gave us life. What joy to escape the pain and misery of our earthly toils and troubles. I don't believe we are ever alone, but some are lost, eternally separated from God, by choice. Jesus died to save us, and waits for us to accept his finished work on the cross, and live eternally. There is no other way to heaven, as our works cannot save us from hell and the grave. Those of you who have trusted in him know what I mean, and those of you who haven't need to.
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our LORD. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
For me, death is not something to dread or fear, for I know that I will live with God in heaven eternally. You can know this too, if you believe.
After a different type of incident, I asked my husband to put childsafe locks (the ones that require a magnet to unlock) on our bathroom cabinets and locked our items in the cabinets. I have Mom's items in nice containers on the countertop so that she has no need to get into the cabinets. It has worked beautifully!
Welcome Jolly J. what a great name! I just lost my mom and am referencing the experience. Didn't want to freak you out..... read around on this thread. there are some amazing caregivers here with hearts so big and burdens so heavy. they're smart ones too!
My mom regarded any type of seal, lock closed area as a game and she was smart too. She would figure out how to open it. She was not, however, a wanderer at all nor was she interested in imbibing cleaning fliuds. She like to play with my make up and 'things' on the bathroom counter, so It was part of her fun and i didn't want to take her fun away. This thread got started because she came out of the bathroom and I was walking in to brush my teeth and there you go.....
About 4 days before she passed, I gave her one of those plastic kid's bottles with the swirly straw on the outside,and a screw down lid. She took a couple of sips and I turned my back and she had opened it up. i just laughed and said: at least you had the decency to pour it all over your special underwear (Depends). She cracked up. It was a game for her.
OK to answer the thought of a thread about the physical aspect of dying. There's things a dying person/body goes through in the weeks and days and hours leading to death. that's what I'm talking about. Everybody in town was so surprised that I 'knew' that mom was close but that's why she and I worked so hard to get her into her own bed.
I think that it's important to know these things so you can help them make the transistion sweetly and peacefully. That's what I tried to do for my mom.
the lady on the boat (omg what a sweetheart) who had just lost her husband not a year ago and gave me a set of booklets that are very very good. I read the one titled the Eleventh Hour and it spoke exactly of what mom went through the weeks, days, hours leading to her death. I was amazed that all of the steps were there and that I had witnessed them.
I didn't have the book at that time but could have used it to relieve stress. I knew in my gut that she was going and that putting her in the hospital and freaking out would be cruel to her but i paced and worried and prayed that I was making the right decisions and tried to think of what I would want. I think I would want peace and being comfortable and Sara was spectactular at turning mom and patiently feeding her so mom wouldn't hurt on the insides. And keeping her clean and shiny.
I posted here that I didn't think she would last the night and she died 12:10pm having made it through that night.
Miz! didja try the oatmeal?
Linda! how's your pa doing? You recovered from the kids yet?
godhelps! Listen....you are a doll. thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my wall. I do have a set of nards but am also known for making a total Jackass out of myself on a somewhat regular basis
Teristeve... wow, what you have experienced at such a young age and how you coped. amazing. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me and i truly appreciate it.
SecSis, you know I love you kiddo. You are an angel and a good preacher. I nominate you to do a little service on Sunday mornings while we're moored in the Bahamas. You down?
Pirate! how are you girl?
Where's Pamela
Tennessee? what's going on. Are you ok? where's your daughter? I miss her posts. Maxine don't break your hump out there in the garden. Sit down and enjoy yourself a minute. When exactly is your husband's anniversary? You know we'll be thinking of you. got a lot of respect for you kid.
Olivia! Deef? Who am I missing here.
Would really love to hear from KelleyBean on the thread.
Tennessee, Linda and Kelley: Know the perfect spot for the angel on the boat. Thanks again guys.
SS I know you wanted to know about the Service which was beautiful. Still hard to write about and I get cried out but I'll tell that one in a few days.
It really was beautiful though and the angel was on mom's casket and everybody remarked how beautiful it was.
I am experiencing the 'oh, I've got to tell mom this' sensation. that takes years to go away i learned after my daddy's death.
OK: going back to work on the paperwork to make this all go.
The Bahamas sound wonderful. Thanks for your nomination. I defer to my husband for the preaching, though I do like to speak the truth in love. And my little one can do the piano music for our hymn sign. He just did his first offeratory at church on Sunday night, and did very well, with his God-given 9 year old talent. Brought tears to my eyes.
I do love the way you write, Bob 321. You have a special gift for encouragement, and humor, and making people feel special. You are a gift. Thanks for your love and friendship. You knit hearts together, and that's amazing. What a treasure you are.
Yes, I was hoping to hear from some who haven't posted here in a while, and wondering about some of those same Caregiving angels, myself. All aboard!!
No freaking out here and I'm glad your mom was able to have you in her last days!
Luckily, I worked in a nursing home in the past so I haven't seen anything that has shocked me. My 94 year old mom is not dealing with Alzheimer's as my Daddy did but her mind is wandering away. Most days she knows I am her daughter although she can no longer come up with names. The good thing is, when we put the locks on, she quickly forgot that she was ever able to get into the cabinets.
Miz, Use a sock full of oatmeal & sqwish in the tub. The solids will stay in the sock & not too much of a mess to clean up after. (Disposable sock / stocking). The more you sqwish the better. The longer you soak the better.
SS, AMEN to that. You are on fire for our Lord. Thanks. I'm ready anytime God is too. Some days more than others. Hubby and I would like to be park rangers in His kingdom but He knows which assignment is best for us. Maybe gardeners?
Bob321, I would greatly appreciate ANY words you may have to bless us with regarding the last hours / days. I have not been exposed to any of that and would love any knowledge I can get up front. I seem to be finding out the caregiver stuff after the fact and I've learned so much here just in the past few weeks. Maybe a thread dedicated to endings? And another to grief? I come from a small family with huge gen. gaps. I haven't experienced children or cargiving other than pets. Things ended badly with dad and I don't want it go that way with mom. Been at this for 11 yrs. now with mom & still feel inept at times. I understand the hurdles get closer together as we go, but I would like a blueprint. I've always been efficient and in control before & now I'm not. The inevitable will happen but knowledge is key and I am a sponge. Thank you, Thank you.
Thanks, godhelpus. Not sure about designated tasks, but I'll be one of those with both hands raised in the air, saying Praise the Lord!
Down here, though...different story. Just came from the nursing home. Dad was up, and had eaten a good lunch, late. He's been sleeping through the regular meal times. He's also refusing meds. Some don't know the others have been crushing them. Some lab results came back from yesterday, and he has elevated BUN levels. The RN told me this indicates the beginnings of kidney failure. Every day, it seems there is something new to add to my share of grief and feelings of impending loss. He is just not the same guy. His eyes don't sparkle, and he can't respond very well, at all. He did manage to indicate he needed a kleenex, as I saw a very wet upper lip, and him trying to get my attention. He can not ask for them as you an I would. My dad used to write poetry. Now, I am. Often, I find myself choking back tears.
Heaven's looking sweeter all the time. There, we will never have to say goodbye, and there, no disease. O, how I long for release, some days. Sorry to sound so melancholy; it's just that things are pressing in, and I am feeling like escaping. Don't know why, but my emotions are extremely intense lately. Wierd. Feel like I'm going to explode, or the dam's about to burst. I've been feeling shock and numbness, and acute emotional pain. Anticipatory grief? Bitterness? Anger? I don't know. It doesn't feel good at all.
I know I am brand new to this forum (thanks for the welcomes!) and certainly no expert on any of this. I only know from the experience with my daddy (Alzheimer's) that the end, while extremely painful for him and us, was a blessing. We knew he would be in heaven because he had already lived through hell with the Alzheimer's. That said, it has been 22 years and I still can't sing How Great Thou Art because it was his favorite song.
I know God is watching over us. A few months back, Daddy told me in a dream that Mom wouldn't be able to be left alone forever. As it turns out, no one realized it but she had fallen and broken a rib. Now, over the last couple months, things have fallen into place so that I could leave my job and bring her to live with me. She is my job now and I'm happy for it and I'm sure the Lord had a hand in it all. I dread the end and yet I welcome it for her because she has been waiting so long to be with Daddy. She mentions it every day - just waiting for the Lord to take her. Now if she just wasn't so darn healthy! :)
Even being with her 24x7, she has still manage to do something to her left thumb and it is swollen. Not badly enough that she is complaining, nor does she want any medicine for it (she takes no meds at all), but I can't help wondering how in the world she did it???? She can't remember so I guess I'll just go with the flow and keep an eye on it.
Jolly J, you sound like a loving Caregiver! Thanks for joining us on these threads. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm watching my dad succumb to Alzheimer's more every day. Ugh! :(
It's the anticipatory grief my loving sister. Your dad is getting closer and you are coming to realize it.
Shock and Numbness are number 1 anger and bitterness will fade as quickly as you let it because what's coming now is going to be very very real. You literally cherish the moments you have. I do want to tell you that if he's up and moving around to get himself to the dining room you should have some time!
Don't choke back tears. cry your heart out because you have to. I cried with my mom because we knew what was coming and we didn't get all wrist slitting nuts but we did hold each other and cry and then as her time got closer I just sat there in a chair holding her hand and napping with my head on the bed with her. When I would start to get real blubbery I would just leave that part of the house and cry into my pillow.
The less anger you have in your heart for anything when it all goes down the better you will feel afterwards. Because there is an afterwards for us, the caregivers. I learned that what I thought was anger was actually grief and that helped me a lot. Losses come in many forms: lousy sibs, you lose out on a great sibling relationship; mean mom, you lose out on the loving mom deal, you name it and if we perceive it as a loss we're going to get angry and then grieve for it. The two can be confusing to us sometimes. as we move between our own worlds of anger, denial, etc etc.
when they become less and less responsive they are just getting ready to make the journey. they won't want to eat so that's why your dad tucking it in is a great sign and you hang on to that and be happy that you still have some time.
Say what you've got to say now. that's something you don't wait for. Tell him how much you love him over and over and how happy you are that he is your dad. Maybe it won't look like he's responding but he will hear you and it will make him feel good and peaceful.
this sux. no way around it and this will happen. No way around that either.
I will tell you Sailors that you are the very people that have helped me so much it's hard to truly express it. I am grateful and thankful daily for this site and this crew. We indeed have a fine crew.
We're going to be here for you Anne. Don't you ever forget that.
For those of us who feel that they are 'getting close', let the rest of us know so we can send our hearts out to you.
Just keep writing and venting SS and getting it out. We're all here for you.
When it gets too intense, close your eyes and think about the boat because I'm coming to get you.
Bob, damn you're good. My heart goes out to all of you. There are two books that I would like to recommend. The first is a book called "Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, the other is called "Mourning Song" unfortnatley I can't remember the auther's name. Both books deal with this subject in an excellent manner. I read them both as a yong woman. They helped me to understand not only the process that the patient goes through, but also the process that families go through when faced with impending loss. Bob is right, as the body starts to shut down you will see a decreased intake first of food, and then liquids. This is because the body is no longer able to process them. As hard as this subject is to face, the more we know, the more we can move forward.There are many phases to grief, denial, anger, barganing and hopfully, acceptance. Hang in there all. I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it hurts....again, love, prayers and hugs to all.
Bobbie321, Thank you for your words of comfort. They are as salve to my soul. I am trying to absorb all you wrote.
I don't know what to say to my dad. We struggled almost all my life. He has no idea of my struggles, so I just take them to God. Dad was too busy, distracted, and struggling, himself. Mom made things hell for all of us. The anger I'm feeling right now is towards her. She has done me real wrong, publicly, in the past couple years, and I didn't know it. I was literally blindsided, while trying to be a good daughter, and "help" her. My sister turned out to be as wicked as her, and both are selfish, backstabbing, plotters, who have done me great evil. I am not processing this very well. Distance helps, but I am still in shock, realizing those I've loved have been, and are so wicked. And I believe they are jealous that I have a daily relationship with my dad. Mom rarely visits her husband. The nurses say she doesn't stay long.
I just don't know what to do with my feelings of betrayal by my mother, sister and sister's son. They seem satisfied to spread lies, hate, and steal my inheritance. That they so rarely see my dad bothers me, too. How can people behave so??? I feel sorry for my dad, but he gets to escape through Alzheimer's. How do I escape?
Bobbie321, I saw some absolutely beautiful post cards of MI yesterday, and the Great Lakes. I wanted to send them to you so bad. If I had your address, I would, too! Would love to see the Barbara B navigate those waters, and give you a huge hug!
I remember when they first dignosed my mom with alzheimer's they had told me to put a lock on my fence and make sure up put a lock up high on the doors. Well I put a lock on my fence and at this time I was still working so when I got home a neighbor came and told me they saw her climb over the fence. It is about a 4ft. wooden fence and I have tried to climb over it and can't. She was trying to get back in the house. Forget about the back door. I wish I could have seen that.
Someone said something about steriods boy do they give me energy I would stay on them forever but my arthrities doc will not let me SS you put it so well about heaven when our pastor said we would be working in heaven another nurse and I both said no we want to sit on a cloud and eat cholate but seriously I can not wait to get rid of this old painful body, When I go for walks I talk to my friends who have gone ahead and tell them I have to sit and rest from time to time unlike them I am still draging this hurting body around I am so happy my husband believed in and loved The Lord after all those years of pain and suffering. I try to live each day as it is my last none of us are promised a tomarrow won't it be a joy to be in his presence. June 26 will be one year since God called the husband home. God bless you all esp. those who love and know God-he has many mansions and I believe he has one for the caregivers,
austin ..yes that was me i mention steroid . my dr doesnt like me on it either . says its hard on ur liver . but man they are nice , pain goes away and then u feel so full of enegery , zoom zoom . :-) it gets worst when you come down from it . lazy and hurt all over again .
boy oh boy 3 grandkids whew lord i tell you they kept me going all day . 4 yrs old 3 yrs old and a 7 months old , 2 girls 1 boy , theyre a pleasure and such a darling , i got the kiddy pool out and they had a blast . i sure couldnt wait for thier mommy and daddy to come . i had them 9 hrs . told my daughter in law shes one hellva woman , lol
i felt bad for not giving pa attention . he s in bed now just dont feel good . am hoping tmr i ll get him out of the house and go for a joyride . all he wants to do is sleep , eat ,sleep. makes me want to get that book the eleventh hr bobbie321 mentioned . maybe im wrong ? i try to hurry and read every one s news today , bobbie i love reading yours . u always makes me smile . you make me feel like im on that barbara bee s boat ! i hope im spelling her name right .
You are such a kind caring person taking care of your Dad and grandchildren also and I love reading your post s you have such a nice way about and am so glad you are part of this group you are an inspiration for all of us may God give you extra strength.
Hey Maxine... I'll come and get you and you can sit your poor tired body down and float along with us all. June 26 I hope you get on with us and let us know how you're doing.
thanks Bobbi and SS and all for your kindnesses.
SS I know you hurt so much and what happened to you and what is happening now is wrong. The issue is time. Time is something you don't really have a lot of right now with your dad so say it even if it's wierd. It won't make much sense now but it will in about 5-10 years (maybe not even that long) I am so at peace with the death of my mom because we Dr. Phil'd all our stuff out. We had a bad bad time in the beginning of the process and I had horrible images in my head of her meaness and me being vindictive and mean back.
I don't like myself that way. i don't want to be always upset at someone or something. That's why i walked away from all that $ with the building/bookstore because it just wasn't worth it to live that way in that crappy town. Chuck that Farley.
In the beginning mom and her 'friends' said so many mean things and Adult Protective was called on me and it all made my life Hell for the first 2-3 years of caregiving. In addition to all of the construction I was doing that was breaking my body.
I heard this quote awhile back: Your opinion of me is none of my business.
I decided about then to not give a sh!! about what people thought about me or said about me. I just did my job. I worked on mom's building and her house. She gained weight and got better and better and she began to not be so mean. There was one lady that is just an absolute cu#! and mom would always act out in a mean way after they had hung out together though.
The other awful people is a family with 4 girls and a mean mom (mean to me) She's the one who called APS. mom was in the throes of dementia and said bad stuff about me to them and I heard from the mouth of one of the little girls that "You were stealing your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out."
When Nik and Heather and I were reopening mom's bookstore upstairs in these amazing old law Offices not one of these people came to help or even stop by when we were open and mom was there every day. It turned out beautifully and one day we'll look at pictures.
OK here's the kicker: NONE of these people, one a family with 4 adopted girls that my mom helped happen financially (the Adoption) and the cu#! lady showed up for my mom's Services. Fri nite viewing and Sat service. Neither had the Ba!!s to face me but they did obviously have the indecency to disrespect my mom after all she had done for them.
Have to draw a line through their names. I do have legal biz with the fam because they have not returned papers that mom gave to them to 'safeguard' and when they learned that mom had dementia they still didn't step up and do the right thing so guess what. Lawyer time.
Remember a little while ago when I was talking about my aunt/birthmother? Well, I have drawn a line through her name. It is final. I choose not to be upset or hurt by her therefore she is gone. I walked away from $ there too. they wanted to leave me their house and stuff and so what? I don't want anybody's stuff. Chuck that Farley 2.
I'd rather live on a boat on a mooring somewhere on the cheap and not put up with it. Screw it.
How can you get over it all SS? Draw a line through a name. Stick to it. REALLY think it over and when you have made a decision, stick to it and forget it. It can be really hard to forgive but you work at it and do it. You just put that stuff in a little compartment and take it out and look at it once in a blue moon and the rest of the time, screw it. A lot of people suck and some of the ones we're related to can REALLY suck.
Tell your daddy that you love him because the other stuff just doesn't matter anymore. The closure you're looking for you are going to have to provide for yourself. Not fair, I know.
we can all tell you love him very very much by the way you write about him.
It's the time issue. You don't want to have worked all of this out after he is gone because that will make you nuts.
You are a good kid, SS and you are a good daughter.
You're hardly a windbag, Bob321, and I'm appreciative. I want to hear more about your APS story, what they did, what you did, and how to handle said mess.
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and the people perpetrating the claims and false accusations about me are profiting $$$$ from it with my mom's money. And she's too dumb to see it. I am about ready to blow the whistle. Mom's given one woman a key to my dad and mom's house 200 miles away. WT...!? I'm so outraged by this whole scenario for several reasons. The sharks are swarming, because dad can't defend himself, and they put an intentional major legal wedge between mom and me. That's elder abuse, both financial and emotional, except they are accusing me of it (and profiting off mom!). The gall of some people. I will be consulting with yet another attorney, and my friend who happens to be State Police detective. The courts are useless! So, don't know if a Protective Order will work, or file charges with police downstate, or sue family for my inheritance, which they stole behind my back, with the help of mom's new guardian, who, btw is not known for honesty in the public arena. I was advised to move everything out of the house a while back, and my hubby was against it. Why pay for storage when an empty heated house held everything? My attorney told mom's PG that I needed to be there for the initial Inventory. Instead, nephew walked in and was handed $$$$$$$$$ of dollars worth of silver. More than two of everything, which should have gone to sis and me. Sis's son "wanted" it, according to mom, and she was only too willing to give the college boy, (who's many thousands of $$$$$$$$ in debt) what should have been the next of kin's (me) inheritance. So he's going on cruises, partying in Florida, and racking up the student loans. Mom's dementia and Personality Disorders sees nothing wrong with handing over to him valuable antiques and silver. The kid doesn't even ever visit her! Yet, she used us for 3 years to manipulate us, and use our own money meeting her insatiable needs. I saw it as "helping her," and she saw an opportunity. WOW! I got blindsided, by her, her "friends," my sister, and her son. I am trying to digest this, and that is so very difficult for me.
Also, mom was neglectful and abusive of/towards her husband, and I'm so glad I was able to move him away from her. The stupidest thing I did was move her closer to me. But at the time, I had no idea she was using me, and plotting her revenge.
Poetic Justice: Dad's Army Story: He and his buddy were walking on the beach (he was stationed in Hawaii). There were two girls on said beach. Dad said he flipped a coin, and lost. Translation: he married the coin flip, and lost BIG TIME. I heard that story retold to numerous listeners, all my life. I always hated it, but have a greater appreciation for it now. I always thought it was rude and disrespectful towards my mom, but now know the truth. His life was hell with her. They did their share of partying, though. More poetic justice: he spent every cent of her sizable inheritance, leaving her with major debt. I was mad, but have to laugh a little now. Did he know what he was doing? Was he planning and plotting revenge? OK, enough conspiracy for one night.
My sister and my life were in survival mode growing up with Mommy Dearest. Sis told me stories that enraged and enlightened me. Not only was dad's life hell, but ours were doubly so, because he was rarely home, and mom was an out-of-control drug addict and alcoholic. Dad was only home long enough to change clothes and sleep. He escaped into work, clubs, organizations, and Playboy magazines. And now he's escaped into Alzheimer's. I really don't know what to say to him. They caused us to live a lie. I do love him, and am thankful for these last days with him, but...many things will have to be left unsaid. No use dredging up the ugly past. I'm a new creature, and thank God, not where I was. And I feel pitifully sorry for dad. His disease has really stirred my compassions, and I feel very protective of him. Doing the best I can there. I contemplate bringing him to my house...which would really anger some family. Now that would be very poetic.
Bobbie, I'd really need to know how you dealt with APS. The only wind I see is in your sails.
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turn my house upside down , had to tell them its mamaws house dont tear it up ! theythought they could eat and drink anywhere , nanana only at the kitchen table .
then ha dto go to walmart to get lit bit of grocries 148 dollars plz . ugh !!!
i looked at my daughter and told her if she wanna pay for this one , she said ugh no thank u . she knows its a tough tough world out there .
pa s eating in bed now . i gonna get him up and move him around so hopefuly he ll get a blast out .
its good to hear from u all again . welcome back bobbie321 . :-)
poison ivy eeek , i have to get shots for them and smear those clear gel all over me . itchy itchy . tryin so hard not to get them in my eyes , nightmare !! ohyes steriod too . pop em pills and i go flying .
rather be boating . float away /
omg LOLOL.
Linda you are amazing. There is no way that anyone would ever leave 6 kids with me. Not going to happen. I'm breaking out in hives just thinking about it. You are more capable than the guy that runs Wal Mart.
You write some funny stuff my friend. love you too.
Miz! Try the baby oatmeal. You can make a poutice with it and then when it's time to wash it off it will go liquid on you so no drain problems.
Hang in there Miz. I know you're having a tough one. Hang in there. We're coming.
I fell asleep when I got here and then just woke up and screwed up by drinking an Ensure. Good stuff but not at 1:30am.
I feel like mowing the lawn or something.
Bobbi.... just call me Bob. everybody does.
Yo Bob, Hey Bob, Bob on this... I've heard it all.
I do like sound effects. I lose it every time someone gets smacked in the nu!s on America's Funniest Videos and you hear that sound.
It sounds like a big red fire alarm bell that you would wham with a ball peen hammer.
There was a store somewhere in Texas I think, when I was still on the road and they had a CRICKET WHISTLE. no kidding.
Man we had more fun with that thing. I was in the band at that time and if the act onstage wasn't getting any laughs we'd use the time tested, Warner Bros cartoons 'crickets' on them.
Got a question for you guys:
I just experienced my mother dying while I held her hand and looked into her eyes. Do you all think that it may be useful to start a thread about what we are all facing?are going to face?
lovbob
As for someone dying alone, I have a different perspective on that. I have read and heard many stories where the loved one dies after their family member leaves the room (as if by choice, to spare them).
It is commonly known that torment can be seen on the face of an individual who dies without God, facing eternal torment. I have heard and read many of those stories, as well. I do believe in life after death, but not reincarnation. We all will die. I believe in eternal life, as specified in God's Word.
Not everyone dies alone. Those who have a relationship with the living God, our Creator, who know him, talk to him, walk with him, and he with them, are never alone, even at their passing. For a saved, born-again individual, absent from the body means they become present with the Lord. I know, because I was lost, living for the devil, but now have a personal relationship with God. He was always there, but I didn't know him, and didn't always understand. He has promised to never forsake one of his own. You can trust his promises.
You say it is terrible to watch someone die alone with no one who cares. Well, if you watched it, they wouldn't be alone, would they? I don't think it's terrible. What is terrible is the way people treat one another while they are still alive. Neglect, abuse and self-interest is rampant. As for dying alone, I don't believe it. God sees all, knows all, and cares for his own. The saddest thing I know is for someone to reject him, to live for the devil, die, and go to hell. Now, that's a tragedy!
As for death, I am not afraid. I have believed the gospel, and know where I will live in eternity. I actually look forward to heaven, as it will be the end to tears, pain, and sorrow. I will live in a mansion, walking on streets of gold. I will walk daily praising my Saviour! I dream of the day. This life is temporal, and sometimes, I just want to fly away. I cope by KNOWING that I have eternal life, because I trusted that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (as no man comes to the Father except by him). His Holy Spirit comforts me, and guides me daily, when I care to listen.
As for death, some will not see it, and were translated. What joy to die to this world, and see the face of the one who gave us life. What joy to escape the pain and misery of our earthly toils and troubles. I don't believe we are ever alone, but some are lost, eternally separated from God, by choice. Jesus died to save us, and waits for us to accept his finished work on the cross, and live eternally. There is no other way to heaven, as our works cannot save us from hell and the grave. Those of you who have trusted in him know what I mean, and those of you who haven't need to.
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our LORD. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
For me, death is not something to dread or fear, for I know that I will live with God in heaven eternally. You can know this too, if you believe.
Welcome Jolly J. what a great name! I just lost my mom and am referencing the experience. Didn't want to freak you out.....
read around on this thread. there are some amazing caregivers here with hearts so big and burdens so heavy. they're smart ones too!
My mom regarded any type of seal, lock closed area as a game and she was smart too. She would figure out how to open it. She was not, however, a wanderer at all nor was she interested in imbibing cleaning fliuds. She like to play with my make up and 'things' on the bathroom counter, so It was part of her fun and i didn't want to take her fun away.
This thread got started because she came out of the bathroom and I was walking in to brush my teeth and there you go.....
About 4 days before she passed, I gave her one of those plastic kid's bottles with the swirly straw on the outside,and a screw down lid. She took a couple of sips and I turned my back and she had opened it up. i just laughed and said: at least you had the decency to pour it all over your special underwear (Depends). She cracked up. It was a game for her.
OK to answer the thought of a thread about the physical aspect of dying.
There's things a dying person/body goes through in the weeks and days and hours leading to death. that's what I'm talking about.
Everybody in town was so surprised that I 'knew' that mom was close but that's why she and I worked so hard to get her into her own bed.
I think that it's important to know these things so you can help them make the transistion sweetly and peacefully. That's what I tried to do for my mom.
the lady on the boat (omg what a sweetheart) who had just lost her husband not a year ago and gave me a set of booklets that are very very good.
I read the one titled the Eleventh Hour and it spoke exactly of what mom went through the weeks, days, hours leading to her death. I was amazed that all of the steps were there and that I had witnessed them.
I didn't have the book at that time but could have used it to relieve stress. I knew in my gut that she was going and that putting her in the hospital and freaking out would be cruel to her but i paced and worried and prayed that I was making the right decisions and tried to think of what I would want. I think I would want peace and being comfortable and Sara was spectactular at turning mom and patiently feeding her so mom wouldn't hurt on the insides. And keeping her clean and shiny.
I posted here that I didn't think she would last the night and she died 12:10pm having made it through that night.
Miz! didja try the oatmeal?
Linda! how's your pa doing? You recovered from the kids yet?
godhelps! Listen....you are a doll. thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my wall. I do have a set of nards but am also known for making a total Jackass out of myself on a somewhat regular basis
Teristeve... wow, what you have experienced at such a young age and how you coped. amazing. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me and i truly appreciate it.
SecSis, you know I love you kiddo. You are an angel and a good preacher. I nominate you to do a little service on Sunday mornings while we're moored in the Bahamas. You down?
Pirate! how are you girl?
Where's Pamela
Tennessee? what's going on. Are you ok? where's your daughter? I miss her posts.
Maxine don't break your hump out there in the garden. Sit down and enjoy yourself a minute.
When exactly is your husband's anniversary? You know we'll be thinking of you. got a lot of respect for you kid.
Olivia! Deef? Who am I missing here.
Would really love to hear from KelleyBean on the thread.
Tennessee, Linda and Kelley: Know the perfect spot for the angel on the boat. Thanks again guys.
SS I know you wanted to know about the Service which was beautiful. Still hard to write about and I get cried out but I'll tell that one in a few days.
It really was beautiful though and the angel was on mom's casket and everybody remarked how beautiful it was.
I am experiencing the 'oh, I've got to tell mom this' sensation. that takes years to go away i learned after my daddy's death.
OK: going back to work on the paperwork to make this all go.
Thank you all everytime for being here.
lovbob
The Bahamas sound wonderful. Thanks for your nomination. I defer to my husband for the preaching, though I do like to speak the truth in love. And my little one can do the piano music for our hymn sign. He just did his first offeratory at church on Sunday night, and did very well, with his God-given 9 year old talent. Brought tears to my eyes.
I do love the way you write, Bob 321. You have a special gift for encouragement, and humor, and making people feel special. You are a gift. Thanks for your love and friendship. You knit hearts together, and that's amazing. What a treasure you are.
Yes, I was hoping to hear from some who haven't posted here in a while, and wondering about some of those same Caregiving angels, myself. All aboard!!
Luckily, I worked in a nursing home in the past so I haven't seen anything that has shocked me. My 94 year old mom is not dealing with Alzheimer's as my Daddy did but her mind is wandering away. Most days she knows I am her daughter although she can no longer come up with names. The good thing is, when we put the locks on, she quickly forgot that she was ever able to get into the cabinets.
SS, AMEN to that. You are on fire for our Lord. Thanks. I'm ready anytime God is too. Some days more than others. Hubby and I would like to be park rangers in His kingdom but He knows which assignment is best for us. Maybe gardeners?
Bob321, I would greatly appreciate ANY words you may have to bless us with regarding the last hours / days. I have not been exposed to any of that and would love any knowledge I can get up front. I seem to be finding out the caregiver stuff after the fact and I've learned so much here just in the past few weeks. Maybe a thread dedicated to endings? And another to grief? I come from a small family with huge gen. gaps. I haven't experienced children or cargiving other than pets. Things ended badly with dad and I don't want it go that way with mom. Been at this for 11 yrs. now with mom & still feel inept at times. I understand the hurdles get closer together as we go, but I would like a blueprint. I've always been efficient and in control before & now I'm not. The inevitable will happen but knowledge is key and I am a sponge. Thank you, Thank you.
JollyJ, Welcome. This is a blessed place.
Down here, though...different story. Just came from the nursing home. Dad was up, and had eaten a good lunch, late. He's been sleeping through the regular meal times. He's also refusing meds. Some don't know the others have been crushing them. Some lab results came back from yesterday, and he has elevated BUN levels. The RN told me this indicates the beginnings of kidney failure. Every day, it seems there is something new to add to my share of grief and feelings of impending loss. He is just not the same guy. His eyes don't sparkle, and he can't respond very well, at all. He did manage to indicate he needed a kleenex, as I saw a very wet upper lip, and him trying to get my attention. He can not ask for them as you an I would. My dad used to write poetry. Now, I am. Often, I find myself choking back tears.
Heaven's looking sweeter all the time. There, we will never have to say goodbye, and there, no disease. O, how I long for release, some days. Sorry to sound so melancholy; it's just that things are pressing in, and I am feeling like escaping. Don't know why, but my emotions are extremely intense lately. Wierd. Feel like I'm going to explode, or the dam's about to burst. I've been feeling shock and numbness, and acute emotional pain. Anticipatory grief? Bitterness? Anger? I don't know. It doesn't feel good at all.
I know God is watching over us. A few months back, Daddy told me in a dream that Mom wouldn't be able to be left alone forever. As it turns out, no one realized it but she had fallen and broken a rib. Now, over the last couple months, things have fallen into place so that I could leave my job and bring her to live with me. She is my job now and I'm happy for it and I'm sure the Lord had a hand in it all. I dread the end and yet I welcome it for her because she has been waiting so long to be with Daddy. She mentions it every day - just waiting for the Lord to take her. Now if she just wasn't so darn healthy! :)
Even being with her 24x7, she has still manage to do something to her left thumb and it is swollen. Not badly enough that she is complaining, nor does she want any medicine for it (she takes no meds at all), but I can't help wondering how in the world she did it???? She can't remember so I guess I'll just go with the flow and keep an eye on it.
It's the anticipatory grief my loving sister. Your dad is getting closer and you are coming to realize it.
Shock and Numbness are number 1
anger and bitterness will fade as quickly as you let it because what's coming now is going to be very very real. You literally cherish the moments you have. I do want to tell you that if he's up and moving around to get himself to the dining room you should have some time!
Don't choke back tears. cry your heart out because you have to. I cried with my mom because we knew what was coming and we didn't get all wrist slitting nuts but we did hold each other and cry and then as her time got closer I just sat there in a chair holding her hand and napping with my head on the bed with her.
When I would start to get real blubbery I would just leave that part of the house and cry into my pillow.
The less anger you have in your heart for anything when it all goes down the better you will feel afterwards. Because there is an afterwards for us, the caregivers. I learned that what I thought was anger was actually grief and that helped me a lot. Losses come in many forms: lousy sibs, you lose out on a great sibling relationship; mean mom, you lose out on the loving mom deal, you name it and if we perceive it as a loss we're going to get angry and then grieve for it. The two can be confusing to us sometimes. as we move between our own worlds of anger, denial, etc etc.
when they become less and less responsive they are just getting ready to make the journey. they won't want to eat so that's why your dad tucking it in is a great sign and you hang on to that and be happy that you still have some time.
Say what you've got to say now. that's something you don't wait for. Tell him how much you love him over and over and how happy you are that he is your dad. Maybe it won't look like he's responding but he will hear you and it will make him feel good and peaceful.
this sux. no way around it and this will happen.
No way around that either.
I will tell you Sailors that you are the very people that have helped me so much it's hard to truly express it. I am grateful and thankful daily for this site and this crew. We indeed have a fine crew.
We're going to be here for you Anne. Don't you ever forget that.
For those of us who feel that they are 'getting close', let the rest of us know so we can send our hearts out to you.
Just keep writing and venting SS and getting it out. We're all here for you.
When it gets too intense, close your eyes and think about the boat because I'm coming to get you.
Love you guys,
lovbob
Thank you for your words of comfort. They are as salve to my soul. I am trying to absorb all you wrote.
I don't know what to say to my dad. We struggled almost all my life. He has no idea of my struggles, so I just take them to God. Dad was too busy, distracted, and struggling, himself. Mom made things hell for all of us. The anger I'm feeling right now is towards her. She has done me real wrong, publicly, in the past couple years, and I didn't know it. I was literally blindsided, while trying to be a good daughter, and "help" her. My sister turned out to be as wicked as her, and both are selfish, backstabbing, plotters, who have done me great evil. I am not processing this very well. Distance helps, but I am still in shock, realizing those I've loved have been, and are so wicked. And I believe they are jealous that I have a daily relationship with my dad. Mom rarely visits her husband. The nurses say she doesn't stay long.
boy oh boy 3 grandkids whew lord i tell you they kept me going all day . 4 yrs old 3 yrs old and a 7 months old , 2 girls 1 boy , theyre a pleasure and such a darling , i got the kiddy pool out and they had a blast . i sure couldnt wait for thier mommy and daddy to come . i had them 9 hrs .
told my daughter in law shes one hellva woman , lol
i felt bad for not giving pa attention . he s in bed now just dont feel good . am hoping tmr i ll get him out of the house and go for a joyride . all he wants to do is sleep , eat ,sleep. makes me want to get that book the eleventh hr bobbie321 mentioned . maybe im wrong ? i try to hurry and read every one s news today , bobbie i love reading yours . u always makes me smile . you make me feel like im on that barbara bee s boat ! i hope im spelling her name right .
god bless you all !!
Hey Maxine... I'll come and get you and you can sit your poor tired body down and float along with us all. June 26 I hope you get on with us and let us know how you're doing.
thanks Bobbi and SS and all for your kindnesses.
SS I know you hurt so much and what happened to you and what is happening now is wrong. The issue is time. Time is something you don't really have a lot of right now with your dad so say it even if it's wierd. It won't make much sense now but it will in about 5-10 years (maybe not even that long)
I am so at peace with the death of my mom because we Dr. Phil'd all our stuff out. We had a bad bad time in the beginning of the process and I had horrible images in my head of her meaness and me being vindictive and mean back.
I don't like myself that way. i don't want to be always upset at someone or something. That's why i walked away from all that $ with the building/bookstore because it just wasn't worth it to live that way in that crappy town. Chuck that Farley.
In the beginning mom and her 'friends' said so many mean things and Adult Protective was called on me and it all made my life Hell for the first 2-3 years of caregiving. In addition to all of the construction I was doing that was breaking my body.
I heard this quote awhile back:
Your opinion of me is none of my business.
I decided about then to not give a sh!! about what people thought about me or said about me. I just did my job. I worked on mom's building and her house. She gained weight and got better and better and she began to not be so mean. There was one lady that is just an absolute cu#! and mom would always act out in a mean way after they had hung out together though.
The other awful people is a family with 4 girls and a mean mom (mean to me) She's the one who called APS. mom was in the throes of dementia and said bad stuff about me to them and I heard from the mouth of one of the little girls that "You were stealing your mother's money and the cops had to straighten you out."
When Nik and Heather and I were reopening mom's bookstore upstairs in these amazing old law Offices not one of these people came to help or even stop by when we were open and mom was there every day.
It turned out beautifully and one day we'll look at pictures.
OK here's the kicker: NONE of these people, one a family with 4 adopted girls that my mom helped happen financially (the Adoption) and the cu#! lady showed up for my mom's Services. Fri nite viewing and Sat service. Neither had the Ba!!s to face me but they did obviously have the indecency to disrespect my mom after all she had done for them.
Have to draw a line through their names. I do have legal biz with the fam because they have not returned papers that mom gave to them to 'safeguard' and when they learned that mom had dementia they still didn't step up and do the right thing so guess what. Lawyer time.
Remember a little while ago when I was talking about my aunt/birthmother? Well, I have drawn a line through her name. It is final. I choose not to be upset or hurt by her therefore she is gone. I walked away from $ there too. they wanted to leave me their house and stuff and so what? I don't want anybody's stuff. Chuck that Farley 2.
I'd rather live on a boat on a mooring somewhere on the cheap and not put up with it. Screw it.
How can you get over it all SS? Draw a line through a name. Stick to it.
REALLY think it over and when you have made a decision, stick to it and forget it. It can be really hard to forgive but you work at it and do it. You just put that stuff in a little compartment and take it out and look at it once in a blue moon and the rest of the time, screw it. A lot of people suck and some of the ones we're related to can REALLY suck.
Tell your daddy that you love him because the other stuff just doesn't matter anymore. The closure you're looking for you are going to have to provide for yourself. Not fair, I know.
we can all tell you love him very very much by the way you write about him.
It's the time issue. You don't want to have worked all of this out after he is gone because that will make you nuts.
You are a good kid, SS and you are a good daughter.
Man, I'm a windbag tonight.
Love you guys,
lovbob
Linda! Thanks for the love gurl!
the Eleventh Hour
A caring guideline for the hours to minutes before death.
Barbara Karnes, RN
PO Box 822139
Vancouver, Washington 98682
She has a few others:
Gone From My sight the dying experience
My Friend, I Care, the grief experience
A time to Live: living with a life-Threatening Illness.
They end up being about 3 bucks a copy.
lovbob
love
miz
It's good to see you. How is your Husband's poison ivy?
up to his hoo-hahs in Quaker Oats?
the books will help tremendously. You kiss your mom for me and Linda you kiss your pa for me too.
lovbob
love,
miz
I'm in a somewhat similar situation, and the people perpetrating the claims and false accusations about me are profiting $$$$ from it with my mom's money. And she's too dumb to see it. I am about ready to blow the whistle. Mom's given one woman a key to my dad and mom's house 200 miles away. WT...!? I'm so outraged by this whole scenario for several reasons. The sharks are swarming, because dad can't defend himself, and they put an intentional major legal wedge between mom and me. That's elder abuse, both financial and emotional, except they are accusing me of it (and profiting off mom!). The gall of some people. I will be consulting with yet another attorney, and my friend who happens to be State Police detective. The courts are useless! So, don't know if a Protective Order will work, or file charges with police downstate, or sue family for my inheritance, which they stole behind my back, with the help of mom's new guardian, who, btw is not known for honesty in the public arena. I was advised to move everything out of the house a while back, and my hubby was against it. Why pay for storage when an empty heated house held everything? My attorney told mom's PG that I needed to be there for the initial Inventory. Instead, nephew walked in and was handed $$$$$$$$$ of dollars worth of silver. More than two of everything, which should have gone to sis and me. Sis's son "wanted" it, according to mom, and she was only too willing to give the college boy, (who's many thousands of $$$$$$$$ in debt) what should have been the next of kin's (me) inheritance. So he's going on cruises, partying in Florida, and racking up the student loans. Mom's dementia and Personality Disorders sees nothing wrong with handing over to him valuable antiques and silver. The kid doesn't even ever visit her! Yet, she used us for 3 years to manipulate us, and use our own money meeting her insatiable needs. I saw it as "helping her," and she saw an opportunity. WOW! I got blindsided, by her, her "friends," my sister, and her son. I am trying to digest this, and that is so very difficult for me.
Also, mom was neglectful and abusive of/towards her husband, and I'm so glad I was able to move him away from her. The stupidest thing I did was move her closer to me. But at the time, I had no idea she was using me, and plotting her revenge.
Poetic Justice: Dad's Army Story: He and his buddy were walking on the beach (he was stationed in Hawaii). There were two girls on said beach. Dad said he flipped a coin, and lost. Translation: he married the coin flip, and lost BIG TIME. I heard that story retold to numerous listeners, all my life. I always hated it, but have a greater appreciation for it now. I always thought it was rude and disrespectful towards my mom, but now know the truth. His life was hell with her. They did their share of partying, though. More poetic justice: he spent every cent of her sizable inheritance, leaving her with major debt. I was mad, but have to laugh a little now. Did he know what he was doing? Was he planning and plotting revenge? OK, enough conspiracy for one night.
My sister and my life were in survival mode growing up with Mommy Dearest. Sis told me stories that enraged and enlightened me. Not only was dad's life hell, but ours were doubly so, because he was rarely home, and mom was an out-of-control drug addict and alcoholic. Dad was only home long enough to change clothes and sleep. He escaped into work, clubs, organizations, and Playboy magazines. And now he's escaped into Alzheimer's. I really don't know what to say to him. They caused us to live a lie. I do love him, and am thankful for these last days with him, but...many things will have to be left unsaid. No use dredging up the ugly past. I'm a new creature, and thank God, not where I was. And I feel pitifully sorry for dad. His disease has really stirred my compassions, and I feel very protective of him. Doing the best I can there. I contemplate bringing him to my house...which would really anger some family. Now that would be very poetic.
Bobbie, I'd really need to know how you dealt with APS. The only wind I see is in your sails.