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I would not worry about APS they have no power I never got a follow-up after that witch came to my house it turns out she was not a social worker only a case worker she had no right being there but I did report her to social service and a report was made against her and followed up with if APS comes to your home tell them to leave and do not answer any of their questions-I wish I had known this at the time,
OK... first the books. I read them all. They're booklets actually. The Eleventh hour will tell you EXACTLY what you and your loved one will experience while they are in the hours and minutes leading to death.
Gone From My sight is for the one to three months before death.
The other 2, A time to live: living with a life threatening illness and My Friend , I care which is about grief are both wonderful sources of info.
The author says that these are 'guidelines', but according to my experience with my mom, they are damn good guidelines.
I would order them all. I think around 12 bucks including shipping. These little books will remove so much stress from us the caregivers. Like i mentioned earlier I wish that I had had 'Gone from My sight' and the 'Eleventh Hour' before mom died. Not to be selfish but these booklets would have saved me from my terrors of worrying about doing the right thing. As it turned out, I did exactly the right thing.
The above statement is how I express my belief in God. How would I know what to do unless guided by a force beyond my comprehension? I am lucky because I don't have a lot of the additional stresses some of you have with the 'noise' of sibs that are clueless, etc. That 'noise' can keep you from hearing that little voice that is God.
Conclusion? Get all the books. they're worth it and when you guys have crossed that bridge you know for sure that there will be someone else who will need them. Like the lady on the boat who gave these to me. I was all no no, it's cool, etc etc. but she insisted and left the boat and went to her condo to pick these up specifically for me because someone had given them to her after her husband died. how kind and thoughtful. I was amazed at the information and her sweet heart.
SS: ok the APS. Firstly, my situation is different than yours because i am an only child so I don't have the idiot sis and brat that you are dealing with.
A person with dementia can be a real pinhead. They gravitate towards the people who are telling them that they're OK, etc etc and that is what the mean people (that never showed up to the funeral) were doing to my mom for the first 2+ years of this experience and that is what your sister is doing to your mom. She's probably telling her that 'you're ok, etc etc' and SS, the one who knows the score is thrown to the side.
It's not really that your mom is too dumb to see it but she's too SICK to see it and that's where this gets dicey. She's declared incompetent and you have to get back control.
I'm going to line out a few scenerios. You pick what might work for you.
The courts system is worthless in most of these situations so I think I'd back a U haul up to your fam home and empty that sucker and hide it. Sure it pisses you off but hey, you can see what's going on. Turn the heat down in the house to about 50 so the sheetrock won't crack and open all the cupboard doors that have plumbing (kitchen sink, etc) so the ambient heat will keep them from freezing. (If this situation lasts through winter)
One way or another i'd get me some man help and load that truck and call it a day with that BS. Store it somewhere and if they gripe just tell them that you won't turn them in to the police for stealing the silver and antiques and we'll just call it even go F yourself.
Another one is that you may need to file a protective order against your sister and go after her HARD because she is hurting your mom. Like I said, the courts sux, but you can get 'on record' for these illegal practices your greedy sis is up to.
Your mother and father's assets are for THEIR CARE, not for some brat to be spending it in FL. THIS IS THE POINT THAT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO MISS: The parents' assets are to be spent on the best care that those assets can provide.
If that means selling the silver to provide 2 months of skilled nursing home care well there you go. With that in mind you can see why what your sis and her spawn are doing is ILLEGAL. You, SS can respond accordingly. Call the cops on them.
Just remember you can't have it both ways. Can't empty the house and call cops. One or the other.
Your mother is incompetent to look after her own welfare, you sister is committing a crime by stealing from her mother and if you want this to truly stop you go and make so much noise about it and take the control back. That will involve a lot of energy and they are trying to see you as the bad guy and you will have to be calm, sane and have ice water flowing in your veins to pull this off.
My experience with APS was actually kind of amusing. The mean lady called them on me when they (mean lady and fam) began to realize that what they thought was the 'gravy train' had left the station without them.
My mom was in her bookstore and I wasn't there at the time. Mom still had enough snap to be alone in her store (I was next door in that big building probably working on something that was leaking) and this lady strolled in, asked mom what her name was and that there had been a complaint filed about 'your daughter' and asked if mom was ok. Mom saw through it thankfully and didn't come to get me because in the condition I was in at that time I probably would have handed the APS lady her ass and then lost control of the situation.
Here's where mom and I were VERY lucky. Mom realized in an instant that if she complained about me to this woman, the State would step in and all would be lost. thank God above for that particular instant of clarity. Mom was cool as a cucumber and the lady grilled her for a good half hour and mom didn't flinch and told the APS lady that I was doing a good job.... then ran to tell me what happened. i said see? You tell me MY mouth will get us in trouble... you watch what YOU say. Of course she'd forget and talk smack about me every now and again after that but everybody 'that mattered' saw what was going on and how happy my mom was getting her little bookstore jumping and her house all prettied up.
This is the #1 reason, SS, that our situations are so totally different. You have snakes in your family and your mom has no moments of clarity that tell her she is getting screwed, about to get screwed or is doing the screwing.
That's why my heart goes out to you on a moment by moment basis. You are never far from my thoughts because i know how hard it was for me and I got some breaks and you are not getting any and I praise you for handling what you handle.
As far as being stolen from here's my story: All my Wedding Silver is gone, our massive coin collection is gone, cash, all the silver from the buffett in the dining room, I could go on but what's the point. Angry about it? omg. my fault. i didn't remove it and mom hid most of it on me so i couldn't help and it just disappeared bit by bit: construction guys coming across it while working on the house or building mostly. Believe me I have rooted through that entire old building with mom at my side saying: I don't know.... it could be here..... 11,000 sq ft of old plaster walls and hidey holes and it could be here.....I am still amazed that I'm not institutionalized.
The c#n! lady was responsible for a lot of the crap and that is a piece of unfinished biz that I will handle this coming week. She drove mom around to a bunch of different banks, etc and when she could clearly see what was going on as far as the dementia was concerned she did not step up and help me find the assets needed to care for my mom. She came to see mom while mom was dying and when mom died I called her and she made the phone call about herself and what she did to 'help mom' etc. typical . Since then, no phone call, no card no show at the services with two opportunities timewise. That one gets a lawyer too because i need to find the safe deposit boxes and this sna!ch knows where they are.
SS as far as moving your dad into your home, it's a great idea if you have a LIVE IN caregiver. There is no way on god's green and Oily Earth that i would have been able to handle that on my own.
Mom was small but I still wouldn't have been able to turn her and change her alone.
Your dad will get to the point when he can no longer get out of bed and he will have to be turned every few hours. sara got up in the middle of the night to turn mom, bless her.
With all due respect to the agencies advertising here, I would contact an instructor of CNAs and Hospice nurses and ask them for the best folks they had in their classes. I tried to communicate with some of the agencies but their rules and regs didn't fit for mom and me. We literally wanted someone to become a member of our family while this was happening and that is what Sara gave us.
the financial aspect is insane. Live ins in NJ through agencies go for about 6,000 a month. Sara was here for 2 weeks and i wrote a check for 1300.00 and tried to give her more but she wouldn't take it, no kidding.
If Dad is at home you will need a LOT of help because everything will begin to stop for him but he will need a lot of help to keep him clean and fed so he's not in pain. It can take a long time to feed a dying person because they don't want to eat. They are separating from this world and letting go of food is a sure sign. We kept feeding mom baby food and stuff like that so her insides wouldn't hurt. It could take an hour or more just to get a little dish of rice pudding in. Kozy Shack rice pudding. get it in the dairy aisle. Feed them whatever they want. ice cream, chocolate... just break it up and put it on their tongue. Moms eyebrows would go up when she tasted something good.
Linda! What's up with pa today? I know you're worried. Miz? How's mom? I've been thinking about Pooh also because she just lost her nana.
hi there . daughter came by and had 2 grandkids here . i thought mm no break for me , they didnt stay long and what i do , hop on this and catch up on my reading . pa tried to poop only a lit bit come out . daughter said that yogurt will stop him from poopin . i thought it helps to poop. daughter said he needs deposiory well poop is right there so i dont know about cramin that up in him . i laid him in bed and had him do leg excersise and move his butt around lift this that etc . he fell sleep . that wore him out . poor guy ! i told him he needs to tuck tummy in and out , excersise thos belly . then it hit me , maybe his tummy quit workin and he s on his way out ? but he still eats and loves to eat . gotta keep trying , told him we need to go see his doc about it he says nooooooooooo. he hate sgoing to dr . cuz he knows what they want from him so he says nooooooo. gonna feed him his fruit for lunch and hopefuly it ll work . i tried almost everything and poop come sout just a lit bit and hard too . i had to scoop it out ! dont want him in hospital , he did that few yrs ago and man it was a nightmare , thats one of other reason why he says noooooooo. fruit till he craps it all out ? i readthat asprain will make his poop tary hard . and im gonna quit givin him asprain for a while starting today . :-( come on poop !!!
Greetings all ye fellow sailors, Well.. I'm alive lol that much I do know for now. Just got over a huge round of infection with mom. She couldn't walk or talk. Had a hell of a time with it. I'm working with 5 clients right now + mom. Keeps me pretty busy these days and very sorry I haven't been around. My laptop went caput so my brother got me a new one finally xD. Smooth sailing so far. hopefully this one will stay alive long enough for us all to reconnect. I've missed everyone very much!!
Bobbi, I did get your voicemail. I love you dearly, my friend!!
Thanks to both Bobbies for the reading material referals. You are both priceless. Thanks to B321 also for the other info to SS. Helped me too. SS, My heart cries out for your healing and wholeness dear. The Lord will repay you double for your trouble. I would say try to forgive but B321's advice sounds very realistic. God wants us to bring the battle to Him but we should do what we can also. Pray about it & He will guide you. You already know all this. "The getting of treasures by a lying tounge is a vanity tossed to and fro of them that seek death" Prov. 21:6. "And every tounge that rises against you I shall show to be in the wrong" (not sure what chapter or verse). Dive into the Psalms sweet SS. Pray them out loud!!! It took me years but I was able to let most of it go. That will help get the "ice in your veins" that B321 described. See wicked through God's eyes in His word & you'll find the only justice that really counts.
I'm going to start a thread about elder self-mutilation and would appreciate any advice I can get. IE: picking at wounds & not letting them heal.
KellyBean you were sure missed sister that is one of the things that is great about this we keep track of our own. Back to APS if we all do the same and do not answer their questions just give them the name of your lawyer where were they when the husband was hurting me and the kids -someone made a social call and did not even scold him it was considered a family problem and me they wanted to lock up and I did not do anything wrong.
godhelpus, thank you for the awesome Scriptural references! They're found in Isiah 54:17, saying: No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD. (Not that I'm so clever, but found them with my handy dandy electronic Bible.) What an incredible promise. Thanks for pointing me to the only true judge of all. The battle is truly his. We just get to participate, and it is not always pleasant. Still, we stand strong, in him.
KelleyBean, so great to read your post. Good for you battling for your mom. Sounds like you're very busy. Congratulations on your new computer!
lhardebeck, best wishes with that digestive issue for your dad.
Bob321, last but not least: I think I'll follow your suggestion on the books. They look like good ones. Thank you. Aside from all your legal woes, when do you sail?
Hugs to all the fine lasses here! So sad to hear some of the vultures that want monies, and so sad to hear about the declining stories as well. It's amazing how the vultures circle in the human race ain't it? I think my mom's last caregiver was not to be trusted, so I am glad she was fired. My mom said 700 dollars was missing, and it could have very well have been. After this caregiver was fired she kept trying to be in contact, glad she finally stopped trying. I don't know if I am wrong about her or not, but there was just something that was not totally kosher underneath it all. So this lady we have had in the last month or so comes 4 times a week either a 3 hour or 4 hour shift it is alternated each day. She is a bity ditzy but I don't think I have as much to worry about. Yesterday I found she had thrown some clothes in the trash. I don't think they were my mom's but her's...so wierd, why throw that in our trash. She does some wierd sh#t, I tell ya. I end up rearranging the fridge everytime I come over, you would think she would leave it the way I have it, but no she rearranges things and then I go and rearrange it back. Also I have to rewash all the dishes she washes.??..they are still sticky after she washes. And she is forgetfull about locking up and had a tendency to deny when she does things wrong...heck everybody does things wrong buck up own say oh yes I am sorry I won't forget next time. Then I find she putters around outside in the garden, she sweeps up leaves, which is okay but then puts it in the wrong trashbins...between her and the gardner they drive me more nuts than MOM! Go figure...what a larf eh? Yesterday I was at mom's and her eye that is going mostly blind was buggin her, I put in a couple of regular eye drops and that seemed to clean it out a bit. I am so glad I decided to pop over there 2 or 3 times during the workweek after work! On the weekends I usually go both days. I spend time in the garden after I take care of any business for momsy. She is totally wondering what the heck I am doing to the garden. My b/f tells me it's starting to look more like me...cause of all the pinwheels, gnomes, animals I have out there. Sad thing she does not go outside at all, she's afraid of falling. I guess cause she knows what 'falls' usually preclude for the older folks.
My mom was telling me that her sister who is a couple years younger that her is telling her that she has to go for an ultrasound next week (possible breast cancer). I hope she is does not. My mom was kind of callous and cold about the subject, but that is probably the Narcissim which is her trait...sad that they carry that godawful trait to the grave!
ohgosh pirategal . sounds like a headache with this new lady u got . she aint clean if she doesnt do the dishes right ! sounds ike she has dementia or alz on the way ! geeze does ur mom like her ? hope all works out well for u guys . im glad i dont have to worry about those , i hope one day i dont have to have someone to come in and sit with pa . the way the ecomoney looks i may have to go get a job ! hospital bills are pilin up when my husband had an open heart . went to walmart the other day 147 dollars plz , ugh i didnt even buy a weeks worth ! i just bought the stuf i needed . oh i let the lord worry about that . he shall take good care of me , wink . xoxo
harde, do you have a 99cents (or dollar) store around you. They are good for paper items, tolietries, cleaning items, and canned goods and sometimes have really nice veggies and fruits.
Happy gardening, PirateGal! Is good help that hard to find. I'd say, gang plank was good for the one, but this one may need to shove off, too. Wierd, indeed.
I haven't posted anything for a little while. Bobbie, thanks for checking up on me. I've been reading about everyone's challenges and and thinking "Wow, I'm lucky". So far I don't have the legal BS but my siblings don't live nearby. My brother really tries to be very supportive.
Mom has had a very rough time lately. She has had severe pain in the groin from her hip. She had a few days and nights where she couldn't sit, stand or lay down without very bad pain. We finally got her a cortisone shot on Wednesday and she is improving. I just have to keep an eye on her blood sugar since the injection reaks havoc on her diabetes. I was surprised that her PC doctor actually thinks mom could withstand a hip replacement at 83. Have any of you had the hip replacement experience?
I'm feeling kind of bummed out tonight because my boss says in one sentence she understands my situation and why I need to be off from work frequently, but then in the next sentence says she can't have that happen when we are busy. I have very mixed feelings about this. Part of me understands she needs o run a business, yet part of me says, if you are so dipleased with my work, fire me. Don't keep giving me the emotional guilt trip. Maybe I'm having a pity party, i don't know.
Bobbie, I may be your first port of call. I can be in Charleston in 90 minutes. Did I tell you my brother is a ships captain? He's also a good bartender.
A good bartender is what we need-how about sending some this way and to every caregiver out there. I am so glad I am out of the workforce -I still have nightmeres about my caremonsters but one got demoted after I gave them my diary and another has been told she has to go back to school-I love it. That caregiver sounds she needs a caregiver we had a bad agency but it was cheaper so the husband wanted that one now I spread the word to everyone not to use it-it is sad because it was named after the owners's daughter that died at age 17. I now know what to have others look for in hiring an agency.
hey ill have a long island ice tea plz . :-) diane . i feel ur worries about ur job , i took flma leave for a while then went back to work for a month and ask for another flma leave well i cant cuz i didnt earn enuff hrs to get another one , they decided to lay me off instead , they were willin to work with me cuz they didnt want to lose me . i work very hard to keep the production going and i respect my job , so many people get the temporary work and dont give a crap . well they gave me 90 days lay off , i went back and told em dad still around and im not puttin him in nursing home . so i chose to be with pa. pa said he would pay me what my job pays me so i could stay with him 24-7 . i dont miss my work at all , i worked like slave in hot hot factory and the pay sucks , spent 10 yrs doing it , i dont miss it one bit , but i do miss my cowokers . all is good and things fell in place and its the path the lord wanna me to take , so think about it and think hard , yes it is frustrated someone dont show up for work or calls off cuz its extra load for them and its not a easy task to do without u around . they need u just like ur mom needs u , so what choices do u have , i would be so boiled piss when someone calls off or left the buidling and im stuck doing 2 man s job , sometimes 3 ! . i left for a good reason , my pa is a good reason , bless u diane .. now where is my long island ice tea ??
KellyBean!! so good to see you and we'll hook up!! I figured that you've been working your buns off.
Welcome Cablaha! I read your wall and you are a genius. Everybody read Cab's wall. Pirate! good to see you, bless your sexy little heart. It must be that picture of the pirate... Linda! funny as always. Good funny writer. Kiss your pa for me.
I once drank 3 Long Island Ice Teas. I will not do that again.
Flex!!! good to see you again! the job stress has got to suck big time. I'm sorry for that. I did remember there was someone in Charleston... good. mystery solved... and No, you did not mention that your bro is a ship's captain!! Tell Tell.
What kind of ship? Big fat one? Got a Coast Guard Ticket? Does he want to come and drive the boat? I'm setting up the insurance that we don't move unless we have a USCG Cap on board. In about 6 months that will change as I drive the boat more and more and in another 18 months after that I hopefully will have my own ticket. But a SHIP!!!! omg. If he gets us out of the slip and into the channel I can drive while he makes cocktails!! At this point in my boating career I don't drive if there's something I can smack into. Like a pier. So far so good at keeping the boat in the channel.
I just had a big ol crying jag and I'm surprised that the neighbors didn't call 911. I cry so hard that I actually howl. I don't mean to but it's a process and there you go.
I'm so happy that you guys are here thank you thank you.
Maxine, I love you gurl. You are the shiznit.
Miz? how's mom today?
Where's that Jolly J?
I'll probably turn in... It's wierd all alone here in this house and i sleep in mom's bed now because well just because.
A buddy came over and we uncovered the pool.... big inground pool and it is a mess. this was a real bad winter and cleaning and patching this pool is going to be tough and my poor body still hurts but oh well tuff ti!!y.
ok Bobbi321 what is shiznt if I am one I want to know what I am I told one of my kniting/cancer pad friends now that I will be 70 soon I should grow up and she said why? so I said you are right I do not want to grow -up also what is Long Island ice tea? I will get an education hanging out with you young people for sure maybe I need another glass of wine.
shiznit is a good thing. It's like saying 'you're the stuff!' The term came from Snoop Dogg, a rapper, perhaps 10+ years ago. The actual translation would be, "You're the sh!!" which is a good thing, believe me. somewhat crass, but this IS the Grossed out thread!!
OK: Long Island Ice Tea: 1 part vodka 1 part 1800® Tequila 1 part rum 1 part gin 1 part triple sec 1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix 1 splash Coca-Cola® Mix ingredients together over ice in a glass. Pour into a shaker and give one brisk shake. Pour back into the glass and make sure there is a touch of fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon.
One of these things will make you feel like you're bulletproof. Two of these things will make you make bad real estate deals. Three of these things will make you throw up on your feet.
Maxine, you're still a kid, don't let anybody tell you differently.
B321, Love your sense of humor. You make me chuckle everyday & that's important. I know you'll be OK & make it through this painful time. God & your mom want you to be happy. This I know for sure. You are such a blessing & we are all thankful for your wit & wisdom. Sail on!
I wholeheartedly agree with godhelpus. You are a blessing, and your sense of humor lightens my day often. God bless you, and all the other caregivers here. Hope you're all having a great weekend, despite the navigational situations.
Maxine.... Bobby forgot to tell you that when you drink those Long Island Ice Tea's, make sure you get up every now and then and do a little walking. Don't just keep drinking while sitting down, because when you get up you'll have problemssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!
Hello everyone, Pamela here.
Been away for a tad making mom comfortable. She's not real well these days. Gardening has ceased and we spend most times inside, and sitting on the front porch. Moms speech is really scratchy now and it seems uncomfortable for her to talk. Most times she doesn't really want too anymore, or for any length of time. Very little laughter now, and there is really a solemn look on her face, as if all her hopes of recovery have gone. It's a sad thing but I continue not to be down.
Her best friend's husband died and although she attempted to go to the funeral, she couldn't. I went and stayed the whole day with her best friend. She's like a 2nd mother to me and I love her I truly do. She kept introducing me as her 3rd daughter. Made me feel so good and I believe my mom was real proud of me.
A few days after the funeral mom said she wished that could have been her so she would be out of her misery. I simply told her God's garden doesn't need her yet.
As you know this is Basketball Playoff time and I do try to be at home when the games are on because watching them at moms is uterly impossible no matter how much fare warning I give her. So now I work around the games.
Bobby hope you're doing well. Maxine watch out for those Long Island's, and Secret Sister thank you for checking up on me. I hardebeck you're still my girl and thank you to you too.
Hello to everyone that I've missed saying a personal hello too and hope all is going well with everyone.
On another note I quit drinking. Wow I feel a lot better, lost that xtra weight I was carrying because of the liquor, and my memory has improved tremendously. Just got tired of it, and I don't know that I won't drink again, but for now I just don't feel the need.
Continue to pray for my mom and until we speak again, a great big hug of hope and gratefullness to all of you.
great to hear from u pamela ! am sorry that ur mom has gone down hill some . pa is too . now he cant poop right , tried everything . told him act like those poop is ur babies and grunt so hard to get em out ! aww bless his heart he tried . ill be callin his dr monday and may have to put him in hospital . yes ure right about the long island ice tea . when ya start to feel good get up and dance ! dance like theres no tmr !! happy that u quit drinking . my husband drinks and he has that ugly belly in front of him . they do put pounds on ya . i likes to drink too but not everyday . maybe on the days i am on the edge yeah ill grab me a beer . most ofthe times it'll be when theres gatherings and i ll drink whatever my moods fits . on the boat oh my ill taste anything ! ah better not ill be pukin . long island ice tea be fine m thanks . ok im going to the store to get pa some prune juice . i should have went long time ago but today my body didnt want to do anything . must be the weather . rain rain and its going to rain up to weds i think . oh friday ill be takin off to womens camp !! horray i cant wait ! it'll be vodka with grapefruit , yummie . love you all ! xoxo
p.s, thank you for sitting with ur moms best friend during the sad times . i know it means alot to them that u were there for them . wink , ure a good person pammy .
Great to hear from you Pamela, and know you, at least, are OK. I can relate to your mom's decline, as we are watching both our dads slip. It's so part of the natural life cycle. Just praying our loved ones don't have to suffer.
I got a call from my cousin today, to say my Uncle (hubby of dad's sister) passed away this morning. He had been undergoing a second round of treatment for leukemia. His death came unexpectedly, but his struggles are over. We'll be traveling 200+ miles to attend the services, as soon as their kids can make arrangements to come in from MT, TX, and CO. Ugh for funerals.
Hi Maxine here I think I better stick to wine but a friend of my brother's make home made wine NY style OMG it was a hot day and hubby was driving me crazy drank a lot of his wine oh boy-I laughed half the way home did not even mind hubby being childish I said to him I have not had that much fun in ages-of course he got made, I have been reliving his last days and really get pissed at him the way he shut me out and was responsive to the others. Thanks a lot I was there for him for so long oh well I did as God wanted me to so that is what is.
Hey Ihardebeck, if that prune juice doesn't work, you could always warm up some water and mix in some kosher salt, One rounded tablespoon per 8 ounces. That always does the trick, but you'd better stay close to the bathroom. When I take it I just move my widescreen into the bathroom..............lol.
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Bob321, which of those books have you read? I was thinking about ordering...
OK... first the books.
I read them all. They're booklets actually.
The Eleventh hour will tell you EXACTLY what you and your loved one will experience while they are in the hours and minutes leading to death.
Gone From My sight is for the one to three months before death.
The other 2, A time to live: living with a life threatening illness and My Friend , I care which is about grief are both wonderful sources of info.
The author says that these are 'guidelines', but according to my experience with my mom, they are damn good guidelines.
I would order them all. I think around 12 bucks including shipping.
These little books will remove so much stress from us the caregivers. Like i mentioned earlier I wish that I had had 'Gone from My sight' and the 'Eleventh Hour' before mom died. Not to be selfish but these booklets would have saved me from my terrors of worrying about doing the right thing. As it turned out, I did exactly the right thing.
The above statement is how I express my belief in God. How would I know what to do unless guided by a force beyond my comprehension? I am lucky because I don't have a lot of the additional stresses some of you have with the 'noise' of sibs that are clueless, etc. That 'noise' can keep you from hearing that little voice that is God.
Conclusion? Get all the books. they're worth it and when you guys have crossed that bridge you know for sure that there will be someone else who will need them. Like the lady on the boat who gave these to me.
I was all no no, it's cool, etc etc. but she insisted and left the boat and went to her condo to pick these up specifically for me because someone had given them to her after her husband died. how kind and thoughtful. I was amazed at the information and her sweet heart.
SS: ok the APS.
Firstly, my situation is different than yours because i am an only child so I don't have the idiot sis and brat that you are dealing with.
A person with dementia can be a real pinhead. They gravitate towards the people who are telling them that they're OK, etc etc and that is what the mean people (that never showed up to the funeral) were doing to my mom for the first 2+ years of this experience and that is what your sister is doing to your mom. She's probably telling her that 'you're ok, etc etc' and SS, the one who knows the score is thrown to the side.
It's not really that your mom is too dumb to see it but she's too SICK to see it and that's where this gets dicey. She's declared incompetent and you have to get back control.
I'm going to line out a few scenerios. You pick what might work for you.
The courts system is worthless in most of these situations so I think I'd back a U haul up to your fam home and empty that sucker and hide it. Sure it pisses you off but hey, you can see what's going on.
Turn the heat down in the house to about 50 so the sheetrock won't crack and open all the cupboard doors that have plumbing (kitchen sink, etc) so the ambient heat will keep them from freezing. (If this situation lasts through winter)
One way or another i'd get me some man help and load that truck and call it a day with that BS. Store it somewhere and if they gripe just tell them that you won't turn them in to the police for stealing the silver and antiques and we'll just call it even go F yourself.
Another one is that you may need to file a protective order against your sister and go after her HARD because she is hurting your mom. Like I said, the courts sux, but you can get 'on record' for these illegal practices your greedy sis is up to.
Your mother and father's assets are for THEIR CARE, not for some brat to be spending it in FL.
THIS IS THE POINT THAT EVERYBODY SEEMS TO MISS: The parents' assets are to be spent on the best care that those assets can provide.
If that means selling the silver to provide 2 months of skilled nursing home care well there you go. With that in mind you can see why what your sis and her spawn are doing is ILLEGAL. You, SS can respond accordingly. Call the cops on them.
Just remember you can't have it both ways. Can't empty the house and call cops. One or the other.
Your mother is incompetent to look after her own welfare, you sister is committing a crime by stealing from her mother and if you want this to truly stop you go and make so much noise about it and take the control back. That will involve a lot of energy and they are trying to see you as the bad guy and you will have to be calm, sane and have ice water flowing in your veins to pull this off.
My experience with APS was actually kind of amusing. The mean lady called them on me when they (mean lady and fam) began to realize that what they thought was the 'gravy train' had left the station without them.
My mom was in her bookstore and I wasn't there at the time. Mom still had enough snap to be alone in her store (I was next door in that big building probably working on something that was leaking) and this lady strolled in, asked mom what her name was and that there had been a complaint filed about 'your daughter' and asked if mom was ok. Mom saw through it thankfully and didn't come to get me because in the condition I was in at that time I probably would have handed the APS lady her ass and then lost control of the situation.
Here's where mom and I were VERY lucky. Mom realized in an instant that if she complained about me to this woman, the State would step in and all would be lost. thank God above for that particular instant of clarity.
Mom was cool as a cucumber and the lady grilled her for a good half hour and mom didn't flinch and told the APS lady that I was doing a good job.... then ran to tell me what happened. i said see? You tell me MY mouth will get us in trouble... you watch what YOU say. Of course she'd forget and talk smack about me every now and again after that but everybody 'that mattered' saw what was going on and how happy my mom was getting her little bookstore jumping and her house all prettied up.
This is the #1 reason, SS, that our situations are so totally different. You have snakes in your family and your mom has no moments of clarity that tell her she is getting screwed, about to get screwed or is doing the screwing.
That's why my heart goes out to you on a moment by moment basis. You are never far from my thoughts because i know how hard it was for me and I got some breaks and you are not getting any and I praise you for handling what you handle.
As far as being stolen from here's my story: All my Wedding Silver is gone, our massive coin collection is gone, cash, all the silver from the buffett in the dining room, I could go on but what's the point.
Angry about it? omg. my fault. i didn't remove it and mom hid most of it on me so i couldn't help and it just disappeared bit by bit: construction guys coming across it while working on the house or building mostly. Believe me I have rooted through that entire old building with mom at my side saying: I don't know.... it could be here..... 11,000 sq ft of old plaster walls and hidey holes and it could be here.....I am still amazed that I'm not institutionalized.
The c#n! lady was responsible for a lot of the crap and that is a piece of unfinished biz that I will handle this coming week. She drove mom around to a bunch of different banks, etc and when she could clearly see what was going on as far as the dementia was concerned she did not step up and help me find the assets needed to care for my mom. She came to see mom while mom was dying and when mom died I called her and she made the phone call about herself and what she did to 'help mom' etc. typical . Since then, no phone call, no card no show at the services with two opportunities timewise. That one gets a lawyer too because i need to find the safe deposit boxes and this sna!ch knows where they are.
Lawyer on horn. brb.
lovbob
Hugs, everyone!
SS as far as moving your dad into your home, it's a great idea if you have a LIVE IN caregiver.
There is no way on god's green and Oily Earth that i would have been able to handle that on my own.
Mom was small but I still wouldn't have been able to turn her and change her alone.
Your dad will get to the point when he can no longer get out of bed and he will have to be turned every few hours. sara got up in the middle of the night to turn mom, bless her.
With all due respect to the agencies advertising here, I would contact an instructor of CNAs and Hospice nurses and ask them for the best folks they had in their classes.
I tried to communicate with some of the agencies but their rules and regs didn't fit for mom and me. We literally wanted someone to become a member of our family while this was happening and that is what Sara gave us.
the financial aspect is insane. Live ins in NJ through agencies go for about 6,000 a month.
Sara was here for 2 weeks and i wrote a check for 1300.00 and tried to give her more but she wouldn't take it, no kidding.
If Dad is at home you will need a LOT of help because everything will begin to stop for him but he will need a lot of help to keep him clean and fed so he's not in pain. It can take a long time to feed a dying person because they don't want to eat. They are separating from this world and letting go of food is a sure sign. We kept feeding mom baby food and stuff like that so her insides wouldn't hurt. It could take an hour or more just to get a little dish of rice pudding in.
Kozy Shack rice pudding. get it in the dairy aisle. Feed them whatever they want. ice cream, chocolate... just break it up and put it on their tongue. Moms eyebrows would go up when she tasted something good.
Linda! What's up with pa today? I know you're worried.
Miz? How's mom?
I've been thinking about Pooh also because she just lost her nana.
love you guys,
lovbob
pa tried to poop only a lit bit come out . daughter said that yogurt will stop him from poopin . i thought it helps to poop. daughter said he needs deposiory well poop is right there so i dont know about cramin that up in him .
i laid him in bed and had him do leg excersise and move his butt around lift this that etc . he fell sleep . that wore him out . poor guy ! i told him he needs to tuck tummy in and out , excersise thos belly .
then it hit me , maybe his tummy quit workin and he s on his way out ? but he still eats and loves to eat .
gotta keep trying , told him we need to go see his doc about it he says nooooooooooo. he hate sgoing to dr . cuz he knows what they want from him so he says nooooooo.
gonna feed him his fruit for lunch and hopefuly it ll work .
i tried almost everything and poop come sout just a lit bit and hard too . i had to scoop it out ! dont want him in hospital , he did that few yrs ago and man it was a nightmare , thats one of other reason why he says noooooooo.
fruit till he craps it all out ? i readthat asprain will make his poop tary hard . and im gonna quit givin him asprain for a while starting today .
:-( come on poop !!!
Well.. I'm alive lol that much I do know for now. Just got over a huge round of infection with mom. She couldn't walk or talk. Had a hell of a time with it. I'm working with 5 clients right now + mom. Keeps me pretty busy these days and very sorry I haven't been around. My laptop went caput so my brother got me a new one finally xD. Smooth sailing so far. hopefully this one will stay alive long enough for us all to reconnect. I've missed everyone very much!!
Bobbi, I did get your voicemail. I love you dearly, my friend!!
Thanks to B321 also for the other info to SS. Helped me too.
SS, My heart cries out for your healing and wholeness dear. The Lord will repay you double for your trouble. I would say try to forgive but B321's advice sounds very realistic. God wants us to bring the battle to Him but we should do what we can also. Pray about it & He will guide you. You already know all this. "The getting of treasures by a lying tounge is a vanity tossed to and fro of them that seek death" Prov. 21:6. "And every tounge that rises against you I shall show to be in the wrong" (not sure what chapter or verse).
Dive into the Psalms sweet SS. Pray them out loud!!! It took me years but I was able to let most of it go. That will help get the "ice in your veins" that B321 described. See wicked through God's eyes in His word & you'll find the only justice that really counts.
I'm going to start a thread about elder self-mutilation and would appreciate any advice I can get. IE: picking at wounds & not letting them heal.
Thanks & God's abundant blessings to you all.
KelleyBean, so great to read your post. Good for you battling for your mom. Sounds like you're very busy. Congratulations on your new computer!
lhardebeck, best wishes with that digestive issue for your dad.
Bob321, last but not least: I think I'll follow your suggestion on the books. They look like good ones. Thank you. Aside from all your legal woes, when do you sail?
Hugs to all the fine lasses here! So sad to hear some of the vultures that want monies, and so sad to hear about the declining stories as well. It's amazing how the vultures circle in the human race ain't it? I think my mom's last caregiver was not to be trusted, so I am glad she was fired. My mom said 700 dollars was missing, and it could have very well have been. After this caregiver was fired she kept trying to be in contact, glad she finally stopped trying. I don't know if I am wrong about her or not, but there was just something that was not totally kosher underneath it all. So this lady we have had in the last month or so comes 4 times a week either a 3 hour or 4 hour shift it is alternated each day. She is a bity ditzy but I don't think I have as much to worry about. Yesterday I found she had thrown some clothes in the trash. I don't think they were my mom's but her's...so wierd, why throw that in our trash. She does some wierd sh#t, I tell ya. I end up rearranging the fridge everytime I come over, you would think she would leave it the way I have it, but no she rearranges things and then I go and rearrange it back. Also I have to rewash all the dishes she washes.??..they are still sticky after she washes. And she is forgetfull about locking up and had a tendency to deny when she does things wrong...heck everybody does things wrong buck up own say oh yes I am sorry I won't forget next time. Then I find she putters around outside in the garden, she sweeps up leaves, which is okay but then puts it in the wrong trashbins...between her and the gardner they drive me more nuts than MOM! Go figure...what a larf eh? Yesterday I was at mom's and her eye that is going mostly blind was buggin her, I put in a couple of regular eye drops and that seemed to clean it out a bit. I am so glad I decided to pop over there 2 or 3 times during the workweek after work! On the weekends I usually go both days. I spend time in the garden after I take care of any business for momsy. She is totally wondering what the heck I am doing to the garden. My b/f tells me it's starting to look more like me...cause of all the pinwheels, gnomes, animals I have out there. Sad thing she does not go outside at all, she's afraid of falling. I guess cause she knows what 'falls' usually preclude for the older folks.
My mom was telling me that her sister who is a couple years younger that her is telling her that she has to go for an ultrasound next week (possible breast cancer). I hope she is does not. My mom was kind of callous and cold about the subject, but that is probably the Narcissim which is her trait...sad that they carry that godawful trait to the grave!
hope all works out well for u guys .
im glad i dont have to worry about those , i hope one day i dont have to have someone to come in and sit with pa . the way the ecomoney looks i may have to go get a job ! hospital bills are pilin up when my husband had an open heart . went to walmart the other day 147 dollars plz , ugh i didnt even buy a weeks worth ! i just bought the stuf i needed .
oh i let the lord worry about that . he shall take good care of me , wink . xoxo
I haven't posted anything for a little while. Bobbie, thanks for checking up on me. I've been reading about everyone's challenges and and thinking "Wow, I'm lucky". So far I don't have the legal BS but my siblings don't live nearby. My brother really tries to be very supportive.
Mom has had a very rough time lately. She has had severe pain in the groin from her hip. She had a few days and nights where she couldn't sit, stand or lay down without very bad pain. We finally got her a cortisone shot on Wednesday and she is improving. I just have to keep an eye on her blood sugar since the injection reaks havoc on her diabetes. I was surprised that her PC doctor actually thinks mom could withstand a hip replacement at 83. Have any of you had the hip replacement experience?
I'm feeling kind of bummed out tonight because my boss says in one sentence she understands my situation and why I need to be off from work frequently, but then in the next sentence says she can't have that happen when we are busy. I have very mixed feelings about this. Part of me understands she needs o run a business, yet part of me says, if you are so dipleased with my work, fire me. Don't keep giving me the emotional guilt trip. Maybe I'm having a pity party, i don't know.
Bobbie, I may be your first port of call. I can be in Charleston in 90 minutes. Did I tell you my brother is a ships captain? He's also a good bartender.
Take care of yourselves my fellow caretakers.
Love you all,
Diane
diane . i feel ur worries about ur job , i took flma leave for a while then went back to work for a month and ask for another flma leave well i cant cuz i didnt earn enuff hrs to get another one , they decided to lay me off instead , they were willin to work with me cuz they didnt want to lose me . i work very hard to keep the production going and i respect my job , so many people get the temporary work and dont give a crap .
well they gave me 90 days lay off , i went back and told em dad still around and im not puttin him in nursing home . so i chose to be with
pa. pa said he would pay me what my job pays me so i could stay with him 24-7 .
i dont miss my work at all , i worked like slave in hot hot factory and the pay sucks , spent 10 yrs doing it , i dont miss it one bit , but i do miss my cowokers . all is good and things fell in place and its the path the lord wanna me to take , so
think about it and think hard , yes it is frustrated someone dont show up for work or calls off cuz its extra load for them and its not a easy task to do without u around . they need u just like ur mom needs u , so what choices do u have , i would be so boiled piss when someone calls off or left the buidling and im stuck doing 2 man s job , sometimes 3 ! .
i left for a good reason , my pa is a good reason ,
bless u diane ..
now where is my long island ice tea ??
KellyBean!! so good to see you and we'll hook up!! I figured that you've been working your buns off.
Welcome Cablaha! I read your wall and you are a genius. Everybody read Cab's wall.
Pirate! good to see you, bless your sexy little heart. It must be that picture of the pirate...
Linda! funny as always. Good funny writer. Kiss your pa for me.
I once drank 3 Long Island Ice Teas. I will not do that again.
Flex!!! good to see you again! the job stress has got to suck big time. I'm sorry for that.
I did remember there was someone in Charleston... good. mystery solved... and No, you did not mention that your bro is a ship's captain!! Tell Tell.
What kind of ship? Big fat one? Got a Coast Guard Ticket? Does he want to come and drive the boat?
I'm setting up the insurance that we don't move unless we have a USCG Cap on board. In about 6 months that will change as I drive the boat more and more and in another 18 months after that I hopefully will have my own ticket. But a SHIP!!!! omg.
If he gets us out of the slip and into the channel I can drive while he makes cocktails!! At this point in my boating career I don't drive if there's something I can smack into. Like a pier. So far so good at keeping the boat in the channel.
I just had a big ol crying jag and I'm surprised that the neighbors didn't call 911. I cry so hard that I actually howl. I don't mean to but it's a process and there you go.
I'm so happy that you guys are here thank you thank you.
Maxine, I love you gurl. You are the shiznit.
Miz? how's mom today?
Where's that Jolly J?
I'll probably turn in... It's wierd all alone here in this house and i sleep in mom's bed now because well just because.
A buddy came over and we uncovered the pool.... big inground pool and it is a mess. this was a real bad winter and cleaning and patching this pool is going to be tough and my poor body still hurts but oh well tuff ti!!y.
lovbob
shiznit is a good thing. It's like saying 'you're the stuff!' The term came from Snoop Dogg, a rapper, perhaps 10+ years ago. The actual translation would be, "You're the sh!!" which is a good thing, believe me. somewhat crass, but this IS the Grossed out thread!!
OK: Long Island Ice Tea:
1 part vodka
1 part 1800® Tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola®
Mix ingredients together over ice in a glass. Pour into a shaker and give one brisk shake. Pour back into the glass and make sure there is a touch of fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon.
One of these things will make you feel like you're bulletproof.
Two of these things will make you make bad real estate deals.
Three of these things will make you throw up on your feet.
Maxine, you're still a kid, don't let anybody tell you differently.
lovbob
I wholeheartedly agree with godhelpus. You are a blessing, and your sense of humor lightens my day often. God bless you, and all the other caregivers here. Hope you're all having a great weekend, despite the navigational situations.
Hello everyone, Pamela here.
Been away for a tad making mom comfortable. She's not real well these days. Gardening has ceased and we spend most times inside, and sitting on the front porch. Moms speech is really scratchy now and it seems uncomfortable for her to talk. Most times she doesn't really want too anymore, or for any length of time. Very little laughter now, and there is really a solemn look on her face, as if all her hopes of recovery have gone. It's a sad thing but I continue not to be down.
Her best friend's husband died and although she attempted to go to the funeral, she couldn't. I went and stayed the whole day with her best friend. She's like a 2nd mother to me and I love her I truly do. She kept introducing me as her 3rd daughter. Made me feel so good and I believe my mom was real proud of me.
A few days after the funeral mom said she wished that could have been her so she would be out of her misery. I simply told her God's garden doesn't need her yet.
As you know this is Basketball Playoff time and I do try to be at home when the games are on because watching them at moms is uterly impossible no matter how much fare warning I give her. So now I work around the games.
Bobby hope you're doing well. Maxine watch out for those Long Island's, and Secret Sister thank you for checking up on me. I hardebeck you're still my girl and thank you to you too.
Hello to everyone that I've missed saying a personal hello too and hope all is going well with everyone.
On another note I quit drinking. Wow I feel a lot better, lost that xtra weight I was carrying because of the liquor, and my memory has improved tremendously. Just got tired of it, and I don't know that I won't drink again, but for now I just don't feel the need.
Continue to pray for my mom and until we speak again, a great big hug of hope and gratefullness to all of you.
Pamela
am sorry that ur mom has gone down hill some . pa is too . now he cant poop right , tried everything . told him act like those poop is ur babies and grunt so hard to get em out ! aww bless his heart he tried . ill be callin his dr monday and may have to put him in hospital .
yes ure right about the long island ice tea . when ya start to feel good get up and dance ! dance like theres no tmr !!
happy that u quit drinking . my husband drinks and he has that ugly belly in front of him . they do put pounds on ya . i likes to drink too but not everyday . maybe on the days i am on the edge yeah ill grab me a beer . most ofthe times it'll be when theres gatherings and i ll drink whatever my moods fits .
on the boat oh my ill taste anything ! ah better not ill be pukin . long island ice tea be fine m thanks .
ok im going to the store to get pa some prune juice . i should have went long time ago but today my body didnt want to do anything . must be the weather . rain rain and its going to rain up to weds i think . oh friday ill be takin off to womens camp !! horray i cant wait ! it'll be vodka with grapefruit , yummie .
love you all ! xoxo
I got a call from my cousin today, to say my Uncle (hubby of dad's sister) passed away this morning. He had been undergoing a second round of treatment for leukemia. His death came unexpectedly, but his struggles are over. We'll be traveling 200+ miles to attend the services, as soon as their kids can make arrangements to come in from MT, TX, and CO. Ugh for funerals.
It works though.