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godhlepus . i sure hope ur mom lays off and be nicer . gotta get up in her face and yell real loud BE NICE MOMMY OR U RE GOING TO NURSING HOME , maybe she ll think about that and realizes she has it good at home ? sure hope the lord mellows her out some . bobbie , glad ure havin lunch with ur friend . hope it was a good enjoyable lunch with lots of laughters and smiles ! i took a nap and woke up itchin , my friends said theyre not itchin at all ! ugh guess i taste better than they do . boy i itch everywhere , chiggers seems to like me better , why ?? waaaaaaa pa s lazy today layin in bed with his head prop up watching tv , he s spoiled rotten . he deserve it . heard him yellin i went to ck on him he said wheres alisha ?? ohh he didnt want me he wanted my granddaughter , mm i shall take off more often lol . shs even fixing supper wow , busy suzie homemaker . wink .
Pam -glad you talk to your Dad. At church sit on a memorial bench and talk to the ones from church who have passed on even to the husband but now am upset with him for the way he treated me at the end I was the only one he did not reconize give me a break-am only remembering it now almost 1 yr, later got so pissed I decided to stop wearing my rings-I do not care what others think either deefer I am glad you put that person in their place this site is for support not for critazing others hopefully that person will realize what they said and ask for forgiveness it is good that does not happen very often. Godhelus I found poisen pen notes my MIL wrote about me when cleaning while my husband was in rehab the sad thing is that he saved them he was as sick as his sainted Mother was -I guess he agreed with her sickness-I wish I could talk to him in person I would give him a peace of my mind for sure.
Thank you fellow Cgivers, I know hub's heart is in the right place, but seems he's as big a sucker as I am. Hope it doesn't backfire on us but we keep trying. I was fully prepared to throw in the towel, but he cares too much about what folks think of us. I only care what GOD thinks of us. I read today that honor your mother and father could mean to honor their decisions and allow them to reap the consequences. Hub and I have been suffering their consequences for them. CHRIST died for our sins. That means I shouldn't have to die for their's, right?
COUNT IT ALL JOY? LORD THAT IS A TALL ORDER!
Harde, I've used the NH argument before, but nothing sinks into that thick vain skull of hers. Devil's got a big hook in her.
195A, How crazy is the poison pen stuff???? I wish I were alone in that boat.
Actually I wish I was alone in all these boats. I could justify taking on the pain for godly folks. It's taking the pain for the wicked I have a problem with.
Thanks for the prayers & GOD abundantly bless you all. Tomorrow is a new day!!!!
I guys Maxine here I have been so tired lately I had blood work for Lyms today but it is probably the fibro and has been so hot here -have to getside tomarrow and attack more weeds-I am ignoring the dust in the house would rather pull weeds-my new sunflowers are up I just love those plants they are such happy plants I will be 70 in a few days told one of my friends it about time I grew up and she said why do that. I just laughed at the MIL's poison notes I wonder why he saved them well I got even took off my engagement ring and wedding band maybe I will meet the man of my dreams at the senior center.
195 austin . happy birthday to u in a few days , wink . yes by all means if ur husband was so mean to u all these years i would taken my rings off . heck go buy u a new pretty rings that catches ur eyes for ur birthday ! that shall bring ya a smile and your hands will feel more prettier . maybe the guys at the senior center will fall in love with your pretty hands and cant stop kissin it , yummie. enjoy the yard , we have all winter to dust inside the house , very little time to pull weeds and all outside , maybe get a lit bit of tan . then lit bit ofcancer grrr . lit scared of the sun cuz pa had several cancer on his face . sunscrean plz . have a good evening folks xoxo
SS, it's okay to complain about what your dad is going through and how sad you are about it and grieving about it. I miss my dad so much but I know for him to be in a nursing home like that would have been terrible for him and for me. So, in a way it's worse for you. I never had to see my dad like that.
bobbie, like Linda said, I so wish I could help you with all that stuff. So much hell, heartache, anger and s#$% to go through. Just try to remember the boat. Things WILL get better. It just takes time. I don't remember how many days I cried for my dad. Cried and cried.
Linda, I'm glad you're home safe and sound. Be careful of those steroids if you get them. I think that may be what's messed up hubby. (I just scratched my arm.) The power of suggestion!! LOL
Don't have the new patio furniture yet. I'm looking forward to it though. Not sure how we'll pay for it but... Hubby says we should open a bar and call it "Cougar Lounge". Hahahahahaha!!!! REALLY, just kidding.
Gotta get to bed. For those of you I missed tonight, I love yas. So glad you're here. Major comfort. :)
miz , good to hear from you , am glad ure going to the visitations.. ure so sweet to know ur friends will need you . thats what i call it a true friend . i dont think im going to take any steriod , gonna soak in bathtub full of proxide , i heard its good for ur skin . and get liquid bandaid an doc myself up . smother em ! i realy dig and scratch em , hope ur patio sets comes in real soon . shall enjoy em before the leaves starts fallin . pa s lazy today , so was i , guess thats a good thing , need to build my strenght back , am still worn out from camping . itch itch .. god bless you all , xoxo
Thanks for your encouragement, and sweet thoughts, Miz. You are a good friend. I'm sure you'll be a strength and blessing to your friend tomorrow, during her (or his?) grieving.
I saw my dad today, in the dining room. He wouldn't eat, except two bites of applesauce. He wouldn't talk, or anything. He seems so strange to me. I can't put my finger on it, but it's like he's mad or something. De'javu on that feeling. It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to go visit. I'm doing all the work to reach him, it seems. No smile. No communication. And he just gets up from the table and walks away, down to the hallway sofa, and goes to sleep. Not good. I am just in shock, and numb by his behaviors. He's grinding his teeth back and forth (gnashing?), and doing weird things with his fingers. And he's wandering about, confused. I've seen the decline in others, and I don't want to see my dad go through all that. He will, though. I keep thinking, "I miss my dad," (even though he's still alive). What an eerie feeling. I can scarce desribe all this.
And I went to Probate today, to review his accounting. It was nitpicked apart, so they sent me home to contact the company who's providing his annuities. They're demanding exact values. Another setback...in the endless appeasement process. Numb about all that, too. And I'm feelin like a hostage by it. Ahhhhhh! They don't understand, and keep asking the same question a gazillion times. That person drives me to argue. Won't listen to me or hubby, but demands we cater to her system, even though the annuity doesn't work that way! And they expect I comply. Kinda reminds me of things going on...elsewhere.
Bobbie, I think you're right about the books. I looked at the order form yesterday, and am considering it. Perhaps when I find it again in the piles of paperwork? Regarding his hands, he clasps and unclasps them, repeatedly. Just like he makes sideways jaw motions. Very strange. I'm not liking what I'm seeing. Thank you for your tender compassion, dear Bobbie. Hope your days is less crazy than you anticipated. God bless you through the trials.
SS, Hugs & prayers. This may be a good time to pray with your dad. Hold his hand and lend support. "If any two agree in prayer.....". He may be trying to distance himself to protect you from his internal battles. Stay close and hang on dear sister. Make sure all your armor is on before you pray with him. Be prayed up yourself first. God be with you.
s.s am sorry to hear that ur dad just isnt himself . bless ur heart feeling that way even tho he is still alive . errie feeling , feeling sad and griefing for the happy dad u once had , then i think why are they still livin even tho theire mind is shuttin down . sad sad situations .
pa woke up and his pee smelling stroinger than ever , amoniea smell . glad he s going to dr tmr at 9 am . get him cked out . fearin its uti again . he s real slow today , still eating bfast , usualy he woofs down on bfast but today nah he s real slow . thats ok , take ur time pa . :-( i hate that thinking and feelings we all are having . headin for more sader times .
lord give us strenght and for our parents who s not feeling good . amen
Thank you, ladies! godhelpus, we're all in the same boat. I appreciate your compassion. You, too, lhardebeck. Hope your dad gets some help tomorrow. Keep us posted.
I'm feeling like Orphan Annie these days. I have this longing to call my mom or sister, but neither are trustworthy; in fact, far from it. I "accidentally" got a doctor's letter in the mail (for my mom) recently, to a Endocrinology, Diabetes, & Metabolic Bone Disease Specialist's office. I am considering calling her PG to see what's up. I am tempted to call mom, but just thinking about calling her causes great anxiety. Saw her at an outdoor concert this weekend, and wanted to flee (so I retreated). Don't know if she saw me. I have to mail her some paperwork soon, so we'll have contact regarding my dad. I'd love to know what is going on with my mom, but can't take the punishment involved with contact. That's even sadder than what's going on with my dad. I do pray things were different. So much damage has been done, and I really don't know how to handle it, emotionally. Hence, numb zone. I simply don't know how I'm supposed to react to this dysfunctional family. No one else I know acts like them. Ugh!
I got a nasty email from my sister the other day, following one by someone who hacked into my gmail account, sending a Viagra link to all my contacts, including my Pastor. How humiliating and infuriorating, but also kind of funny. My sister demanded, "Why would you send us that?" I replied that I didn't. Should have just left her guessing. Ironic that some idiot would choose to discredit a Christian in that fashion. What a crude and wicked world! Wonder what my other "friends" thought when they received it? Actually, I warned a couple. My State Police friend laughed, but his wife didn't think it was so funny, and made him apologize. Satan really is a creep! I was horrified to know that email went out to my buddies. On the other hand, it did kind of make me laugh (while cringing). The devil has a whacked sense of humor.
Friend invited me to dinner at her house and at first I was all man, I'm beat, blah blah and then I remembered that I'm not eating and I said yo, I'll be there.
it made me think that back in the day when someone died, people would just show up and put something in your freezer with a note: 350 for an hour... and people did the covered dish thing.
That was the first thing to go, my appetite and then you're not taking care of yourself and then you start to feel like sh!! and you feel lik sh!! anyway simply because of what's going on: picking out a casket... the arrangements.
I think we're getting closer to another and I'm just going to say this without preamble and I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone or their belief system.
Some of these beloved people are getting ready to die and that is what you're observing. The physical shut down of different senses and they will begin to literally appear as if they are standing in both worlds, for in a sense they are.
bkbooks.com don't wait and don't be scared. I just did it and you all got me through it and now it's going to happen again in a few weeks, months or whenever and we're all going to get through it together but we can learn from each other, just like we learned caregiving by ourselves and from each other.
Had I those books I would have handled things differently. All the way from saving mom and me stress and saving $. No kidding.
I am coming to peace that mom isn't suffering anymore and those of you who have already been there understand what I mean. She died with dignity and in the most organic way with as much peace and love that we could create. I miss her like crazy and am beginning to understand that mom is 'safe and sound' cause Jesus has got this handled, and it is time to take care of me for a minute. Maybe I'll come in handly with something else. You never know.
And here's what I learned about the praying: Pray they don't suffer. Pray that you can keep enough food in their stomachs that their insides don't hurt. they'll be hard to feed and you'll need patience and some help.
when you change them out because they won't be able to help themselves at all, don't make stinky noises and be disgusted, just knock it around with them like: These are a very attractive color. Very Southwestern.
Keep interacting and there will come a time when the responses will slowly go away. With mom I had her grip on my hand. She was holding me tight all the way to the end. Everybody will be different in how they progress through these stages, but there are stanges non the less. Hospice nurses are amazing because they witness this process so much and can usually give you good comfort in just know that you're doing ok helping this person die. i would just sit there and hold mom's hand and put my head on the bed next to her. Get a comfy chair and make the room pretty.
make sure you call good friends and have a 'party' if you can pull it off because i know how tired you all are. Get people to come up and say goodbye. Of course if your loved one starts shouting 'Get the F outta here!!', best to sh!!can that idea....
Pray that you can lie there with them and hold them when they go so they die at peace in the arms of someone who loves them.
Pray that you will have the courage to hold them long enough so some idiot doesn't code a 90 year old lady who's going to die in two days instead of today. Coding on old people really hurts them, but if they're laying there and are developing red spots on their bodies even when they are being turned every 2 hours, when the breathing changes, they become more and more unresponsive, mouth will start to hang open and you can see it coming. And it must come.
Pray for it to come in peace.
The lady in the books compares it to a labor. you are helping them through a physical labor just like when they were born. Good way to see it and they can hear you so you tell them all the good stuff. Tell them that everything is taken care of, they have no worries, You love them, if you have to go, you go on ahead. I wish you would stay here and play with me. I love you so much and you are still safe and sound.
Right after her 'death grimace' My mom's head turned toward me and she had a little smile, and she slowly closed her eyes. no kidding.
Don't be alarmed because all people/bodies go through what is called a 'death grimace'. With mom, she opened her eyes real wide and before I read the books I thought she looked scared, but it's simply the 'death grimace' everybody gets one. now there's a coffee table book.....omg.
remember, some stuff is still going to be funny to me. I can't help it. gotta bear with me and don't forget that this is the GROSSED OUT Thread!!!
I have been writing this off and on all day and now I'm back from my friend's dinner and I can feel myself getting stronger.
ok Ladies, Please don't forget that i'm coming to get you. I need to be goal oriented and you guys are my goal. on the boat. baby.
This will post and then I'll have to catch up on everybody else's day.
oh bobbie . :-( . its very touchin what u have been thruu . now this is something i gotta do just like u did . ill sit there and be thinkin of you and what you have said . you write very good and pour ur heart out real good . youre a blessing !! and am so glad to get to know you . YOU are so speical ! am so glad u went over to ur friend s house and chowed down . youre right people are suppose to bring you a dish or 2 so u can eat . but who in heck wanna eat ? when my mom passed away 20 yrs ago , i tried to eat ugh there s no taste to it . no desire to eat . blahhhhhh
i feel like i dont need to get the eleventh hr book , cuz i have you . im learning what youre going thru and i believe im gonna do what you just did . youre my book !! :-) when i get on i always look for ur name and read it first . ok sis in law just pop in at yahoo . gonna chit chat with her . ill keep u guys posted about dad s visit to dr . goodnite sailors , xoxo
bobbie, that looks like some really good stuff to share with us. You're so good and kind to do that. Such caring and compassion.
Went to the funeral today. The wonderful lady was only 67 years old and seemed more like 50. It rained like the dickens. Flooding in the streets and all. I'm so glad I went. My friend was grateful for my support. It's true that doing the right thing even if you don't really wanna is the best thing and sometimes the hardest thing to do. Was so exhausted when I got home and got a little nap. I'm major PMSing and not very patient right now. Wish I could get over this woe is me s*&$. Hubby mowed the neighbors lawn this morning so that's a good sign.
Bobbie, your words helped so much. I think of my SIL dying, just a couple months ago. We were there with her, almost to the end. At least her daughter was with her at the moment, and her son-in-law. We just stepped out to go to the airport to pick up her other daughter... And she went as she was meant to. The signs were all there. We were all beside her, talking, and she was breathing very heavy in her deep sleep.
I look back with regret. Her son-in-law is very loud and abrupt, to say the least. He spoke about how he knew she was going, because he just went through it with his mom dying to cancer... In retrospect, I was mortified. I hate it when they talk about them in front of them. I try to usher people out into the hallway when they want to talk to me about my dad. It seems so disrespectful, otherwise. Some say, "He can't understand..." But I wonder how much of that is true. Sometimes the way things are handled is incorrect, and not proper. Not decently, or in order. My husband's sister didn't have us holding her hand, and no sweet talk. Just the loud mouth blathering on, with us having driven down 5 hours to get there. Had it been my call, we would have sung hymns, or played soft music, and would have said very nice things to her, regardless of whether I thought she could hear, understand, etc. But I was in my husband's niece's living room, with her upstairs sleeping, and me not even getting a word in edgewise. And they gave her morphine every 3 hours...not natural, and far from peaceful. So Bobbie, I like your ideas better. And I will try to practice them with my dad in the days ahead.
He is being dressed, bathed, and washed, and groomed by CNAs, because he can no longer do these things himself. He can't cut his food, but can still pick up a fork or spoon, and cup. But, he can't tell a joke, and used to love to write and speak poetry. Though ambulatory, he walks slowly, and often with assistance. He wanders in and out of people's room (lost?), or around in circles, seemingly aimlessly. Looking, searching, or...wondering? He is speaking less and less with every passing week. I miss the chattering, even though it hasn't made sense for some time. I miss his smile, which is so fleeting, with few between. I want to go for walks, like we used to, but he declines. I want to push him about in a wheelchair, so he can go out for fresh air and sunshine, but he won't go. He just wants to go to the sofa, and lie down, right in the middle of the hallway, with others sitting about. I can hardly lie down with him, but could pull up a chair. I don't think I'd say much, with numerous demented people about. Power of suggestion may elicit some strange responses. If I spoke out about "going on ahead, or on to heaven...", etc., someone else may take me up on the suggestion. So, I am careful of what I say...most of the time. Sometimes I regret my interaction with the staff. It's different than being with someone in their own home. We are usually sitting at a table in the dining room, with wanderers in and out, or others eating there. I can't talk to dad like I would if we were in his own space.
I just want to talk to him, but don't know what to say sometimes. I ask him questions, but he just stares. Why? On Father's Day, I told him, "I love you, Dad." I repeated this several times. No reaction. Did he not hear me? I sat there, looking searchingly into his eyes. I just want to grab him, throw him into my car, and drive away with him. I hate him being there. O, how I hate it more and more every day. But, when I think about all the logistics, it stops me cold, and makes me sooooooo sad. I think of hiring someone, getting a hospital bed, calling hospice, etc. This buzzes around my brain often. I hate the inconsistent staffing, and the thought of strangers getting paid to care for him. But...but...but...ugh! My brain hurts, because this recycles in my head continuously. Life ebbs and flows. There are sunrises, and sunsets. He is in the latter stage of Alzheimer's.
I should take some pictures of me and him. I could talk about them, and tell him how he impacted my life. At least it would give me something to talk about, other than, "How are you today?" Or listening to the nurse say, "He threw up yesterday." Gee, thanks for sharing... Then I come home and cry.
Went to a political debate tonight. 5 of 6 State Rep candidates there. Still, I thought of dad. I'm alive, and so is he, but not very active. I just miss him being...dare I say? Alive. I miss him working on a goal, or sharing a laugh. I can't remember the last time he laughed. I think it was April :( OK, I better go to sleep, since I'm being so melancholy.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope I have something more uplifting to report tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell you more about the debate, which was interesting.
Miz, love you, too. And Bobbie, and lhardebeck, and Austin, and Pirategal, and KelleyBean, and Rephil (miss you), and Pamela, and dtflex (where is she?), and... Wishing we were on the boat. Bobbie, every time I'm by the docks, I find myself hoping you're there. Perhaps someday. I'll run down. Hope it's soon. Sorry for those I forgot to mention, as it wasn't intentional. So glad you're all here. Thanks for reading to my ramblings, and for your support.
Bobbie, wonderful idea to pray for their comfort and peace. You're an angel.
SecretSister you are absolutley correct in your concern about things being said in front of someone who "appears" to be unresponsive. More than once while working at a hospital, I would pull a nurse out of a room and speak with them about the type of discussion that was going on in fron of the patient. We don't know what they hear or don't hear so it is always best to be mindful..just in case it's called respect. As far as the morphine goes, I know that it seems unnatural, but it is actually a blessing in many cases to both the patient and the family. When people are preparing to pass, their breathing frequently becomes labored, this can be very uncomfortable for the patient as well as difficult for the family to think that the patient is in distress. It is hard to watch our parents decline. I watched my father. I was fortunate that it was rather quick (six months) so we had little opportunity to make any decisions. He knew there was something wrong but didn't want to share with his family. He refused medical treatment. Do I feel cheated sometimes, yes. But it was his life and he lived and died the way he wanted to. My heart goes out to you and everyone here. You are right though, it is the natural order of things. Does it make it suck any less, no....But have faith. It does get better. He and the other family members who have such loving caregivers are blessed. Just remember that you can only do what you can do. I know it sounds simplistic but it is true. Rember to breathe....Just put one foot in front of the other...You will be o.k.
I am on my 2nd cup o joe, have already called my 'helper': big guy with strong back $10 an hour, one of the firehouse guys. Good guys in my experience.
going to empty the BASEMENT, finally the BASEMENT. Arg. going to throw the stuff on the front lawn, save what we can trash the rest and replace the pressure treated lumber that the monster shelves are sitting on. all will be well.
We are 90+ degrees and dry as a bone here right now so good opportunity.
OK now here's the cool stuff: I keep running across nautical/boat/ship/airplane doo dads.
did I tell you about the anchor? My ass is too kicked to page back and check...
Little plastic anchor on a black thread, like from a happy meal or whatever, right in my path as i walk in to the Shop Rite to get some baby food for mom. 2 days before she died.
Said anchor will hang in pilothouse.
There's more fo those little things but you get it.
I know you caregivers are experiencing the most difficult times in your lives. Vent your hearts out, and just keep communicating. bless your little spleens.
I'm still all over the map but getting better. thanks you guys.
Thank you so much, bobbie. In a sweet voice she asked me what my name is and said, "That's a pretty name." and then asked me what her name is and said the same. She asked me if I go to school and if she goes to school. Does she have a husband. Do I have a husband.
Hubby said to try not to look too much into it. That she may be okay later in the day. I don't know. God, I feel awful. I was so tired and not the most patient with her last night. I gotta get off here or I'm gonna cry and I want to keep busy. I'll write more later.
I would say that you need to put your personal items where she can't get to them. It doesn't have to be far away to be inconvenient, but this is who your mom is. She wouldn't do that if she didn't have dementia-type problems. She just wanted to comb her hair and still knows that a brush has bristles.
Trying to write something positive here but the words won't come. I am just so sorry. My heart aches for you. Try to be strong, cry when you can, find a reason to laugh, know that love is never ending.
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sure hope the lord mellows her out some .
bobbie , glad ure havin lunch with ur friend . hope it was a good enjoyable lunch with lots of laughters and smiles !
i took a nap and woke up itchin , my friends said theyre not itchin at all ! ugh guess i taste better than they do . boy i itch everywhere , chiggers seems to like me better , why ?? waaaaaaa
pa s lazy today layin in bed with his head prop up watching tv , he s spoiled rotten . he deserve it . heard him yellin i went to ck on him he said wheres alisha ?? ohh he didnt want me he wanted my granddaughter , mm i shall take off more often lol .
shs even fixing supper wow , busy suzie homemaker . wink .
I know hub's heart is in the right place, but seems he's as big a sucker as I am. Hope it doesn't backfire on us but we keep trying. I was fully prepared to throw in the towel, but he cares too much about what folks think of us. I only care what GOD thinks of us.
I read today that honor your mother and father could mean to honor their decisions and allow them to reap the consequences. Hub and I have been suffering their consequences for them. CHRIST died for our sins. That means I shouldn't have to die for their's, right?
COUNT IT ALL JOY? LORD THAT IS A TALL ORDER!
Harde,
I've used the NH argument before, but nothing sinks into that thick vain skull of hers. Devil's got a big hook in her.
195A,
How crazy is the poison pen stuff???? I wish I were alone in that boat.
Actually I wish I was alone in all these boats. I could justify taking on the pain for godly folks. It's taking the pain for the wicked I have a problem with.
Thanks for the prayers & GOD abundantly bless you all.
Tomorrow is a new day!!!!
yes by all means if ur husband was so mean to u all these years i would taken my rings off . heck go buy u a new pretty rings that catches ur eyes for ur birthday ! that shall bring ya a smile and your hands will feel more prettier .
maybe the guys at the senior center will fall in love with your pretty hands and cant stop kissin it , yummie.
enjoy the yard , we have all winter to dust inside the house , very little time to pull weeds and all outside , maybe get a lit bit of tan . then lit bit ofcancer grrr . lit scared of the sun cuz pa had several cancer on his face .
sunscrean plz .
have a good evening folks xoxo
bobbie, like Linda said, I so wish I could help you with all that stuff. So much hell, heartache, anger and s#$% to go through. Just try to remember the boat. Things WILL get better. It just takes time. I don't remember how many days I cried for my dad. Cried and cried.
Linda, I'm glad you're home safe and sound. Be careful of those steroids if you get them. I think that may be what's messed up hubby. (I just scratched my arm.) The power of suggestion!! LOL
Don't have the new patio furniture yet. I'm looking forward to it though. Not sure how we'll pay for it but... Hubby says we should open a bar and call it "Cougar Lounge". Hahahahahaha!!!! REALLY, just kidding.
Gotta get to bed. For those of you I missed tonight, I love yas. So glad you're here. Major comfort. :)
love,
miz
i dont think im going to take any steriod , gonna soak in bathtub full of proxide , i heard its good for ur skin . and get liquid bandaid an doc myself up . smother em ! i realy dig and scratch em ,
hope ur patio sets comes in real soon . shall enjoy em before the leaves starts fallin .
pa s lazy today , so was i , guess thats a good thing , need to build my strenght back , am still worn out from camping . itch itch ..
god bless you all , xoxo
I saw my dad today, in the dining room. He wouldn't eat, except two bites of applesauce. He wouldn't talk, or anything. He seems so strange to me. I can't put my finger on it, but it's like he's mad or something. De'javu on that feeling. It is becoming increasingly uncomfortable to go visit. I'm doing all the work to reach him, it seems. No smile. No communication. And he just gets up from the table and walks away, down to the hallway sofa, and goes to sleep. Not good. I am just in shock, and numb by his behaviors. He's grinding his teeth back and forth (gnashing?), and doing weird things with his fingers. And he's wandering about, confused. I've seen the decline in others, and I don't want to see my dad go through all that. He will, though. I keep thinking, "I miss my dad," (even though he's still alive). What an eerie feeling. I can scarce desribe all this.
And I went to Probate today, to review his accounting. It was nitpicked apart, so they sent me home to contact the company who's providing his annuities. They're demanding exact values. Another setback...in the endless appeasement process. Numb about all that, too. And I'm feelin like a hostage by it. Ahhhhhh! They don't understand, and keep asking the same question a gazillion times. That person drives me to argue. Won't listen to me or hubby, but demands we cater to her system, even though the annuity doesn't work that way! And they expect I comply. Kinda reminds me of things going on...elsewhere.
once again I am so sorry for all that you have to endure.
Describe to me what your dad is doing with his fingers...?
SS, I don't want to alarm you but maybe you should get those books i referenced:
gone from my sight
the eleventh hour.
I wished that I had had them for mom. They will bring you (believe it or not) peace.
Hello to all...crazy day ahead and will check in later.
lovbob
Hugs & prayers. This may be a good time to pray with your dad. Hold his hand and lend support. "If any two agree in prayer.....". He may be trying to distance himself to protect you from his internal battles. Stay close and hang on dear sister. Make sure all your armor is on before you pray with him. Be prayed up yourself first.
God be with you.
errie feeling , feeling sad and griefing for the happy dad u once had ,
then i think why are they still livin even tho theire mind is shuttin down . sad sad situations .
pa woke up and his pee smelling stroinger than ever , amoniea smell . glad he s going to dr tmr at 9 am . get him cked out . fearin its uti again .
he s real slow today , still eating bfast , usualy he woofs down on bfast but today nah he s real slow . thats ok , take ur time pa . :-(
i hate that thinking and feelings we all are having . headin for more sader times .
lord give us strenght and for our parents who s not feeling good . amen
I'm feeling like Orphan Annie these days. I have this longing to call my mom or sister, but neither are trustworthy; in fact, far from it. I "accidentally" got a doctor's letter in the mail (for my mom) recently, to a Endocrinology, Diabetes, & Metabolic Bone Disease Specialist's office. I am considering calling her PG to see what's up. I am tempted to call mom, but just thinking about calling her causes great anxiety. Saw her at an outdoor concert this weekend, and wanted to flee (so I retreated). Don't know if she saw me. I have to mail her some paperwork soon, so we'll have contact regarding my dad. I'd love to know what is going on with my mom, but can't take the punishment involved with contact. That's even sadder than what's going on with my dad. I do pray things were different. So much damage has been done, and I really don't know how to handle it, emotionally. Hence, numb zone. I simply don't know how I'm supposed to react to this dysfunctional family. No one else I know acts like them. Ugh!
I got a nasty email from my sister the other day, following one by someone who hacked into my gmail account, sending a Viagra link to all my contacts, including my Pastor. How humiliating and infuriorating, but also kind of funny. My sister demanded, "Why would you send us that?" I replied that I didn't. Should have just left her guessing. Ironic that some idiot would choose to discredit a Christian in that fashion. What a crude and wicked world! Wonder what my other "friends" thought when they received it? Actually, I warned a couple. My State Police friend laughed, but his wife didn't think it was so funny, and made him apologize. Satan really is a creep! I was horrified to know that email went out to my buddies. On the other hand, it did kind of make me laugh (while cringing). The devil has a whacked sense of humor.
Yes, the devil is putting in some overtime.
He knows his time is short, but we've read the end of the BOOK & we know how it ends for him and all the wicked.
Hang on sis.
Home from my appts of the day. Spanked.
Friend invited me to dinner at her house and at first I was all man, I'm beat, blah blah and then I remembered that I'm not eating and I said yo, I'll be there.
it made me think that back in the day when someone died, people would just show up and put something in your freezer with a note: 350 for an hour... and people did the covered dish thing.
That was the first thing to go, my appetite and then you're not taking care of yourself and then you start to feel like sh!! and you feel lik sh!! anyway simply because of what's going on: picking out a casket... the arrangements.
I think we're getting closer to another and I'm just going to say this without preamble and I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone or their belief system.
Some of these beloved people are getting ready to die and that is what you're observing. The physical shut down of different senses and they will begin to literally appear as if they are standing in both worlds, for in a sense they are.
bkbooks.com don't wait and don't be scared.
I just did it and you all got me through it and now it's going to happen again in a few weeks, months or whenever and we're all going to get through it together but we can learn from each other, just like we learned caregiving by ourselves and from each other.
Had I those books I would have handled things differently. All the way from saving mom and me stress and saving $. No kidding.
I am coming to peace that mom isn't suffering anymore and those of you who have already been there understand what I mean. She died with dignity and in the most organic way with as much peace and love that we could create. I miss her like crazy and am beginning to understand that mom is 'safe and sound' cause Jesus has got this handled, and it is time to take care of me for a minute. Maybe I'll come in handly with something else. You never know.
And here's what I learned about the praying:
Pray they don't suffer.
Pray that you can keep enough food in their stomachs that their insides don't hurt. they'll be hard to feed and you'll need patience and some help.
when you change them out because they won't be able to help themselves at all, don't make stinky noises and be disgusted, just knock it around with them like: These are a very attractive color. Very Southwestern.
Keep interacting and there will come a time when the responses will slowly go away. With mom I had her grip on my hand. She was holding me tight all the way to the end. Everybody will be different in how they progress through these stages, but there are stanges non the less. Hospice nurses are amazing because they witness this process so much and can usually give you good comfort in just know that you're doing ok helping this person die.
i would just sit there and hold mom's hand and put my head on the bed next to her. Get a comfy chair and make the room pretty.
make sure you call good friends and have a 'party' if you can pull it off because i know how tired you all are.
Get people to come up and say goodbye.
Of course if your loved one starts shouting 'Get the F outta here!!', best to sh!!can that idea....
Pray that you can lie there with them and hold them when they go so they die at peace in the arms of someone who loves them.
Pray that you will have the courage to hold them long enough so some idiot doesn't code a 90 year old lady who's going to die in two days instead of today. Coding on old people really hurts them, but if they're laying there and are developing red spots on their bodies even when they are being turned every 2 hours, when the breathing changes, they become more and more unresponsive, mouth will start to hang open and you can see it coming. And it must come.
Pray for it to come in peace.
The lady in the books compares it to a labor. you are helping them through a physical labor just like when they were born. Good way to see it and they can hear you so you tell them all the good stuff.
Tell them that everything is taken care of, they have no worries, You love them, if you have to go, you go on ahead. I wish you would stay here and play with me. I love you so much and you are still safe and sound.
Right after her 'death grimace' My mom's head turned toward me and she had a little smile, and she slowly closed her eyes. no kidding.
Don't be alarmed because all people/bodies go through what is called a 'death grimace'. With mom, she opened her eyes real wide and before I read the books I thought she looked scared, but it's simply the 'death grimace' everybody gets one. now there's a coffee table book.....omg.
remember, some stuff is still going to be funny to me. I can't help it. gotta bear with me and don't forget that this is the GROSSED OUT Thread!!!
I have been writing this off and on all day and now I'm back from my friend's dinner and I can feel myself getting stronger.
ok Ladies,
Please don't forget that i'm coming to get you. I need to be goal oriented and you guys are my goal. on the boat. baby.
This will post and then I'll have to catch up on everybody else's day.
lovbob
now this is something i gotta do just like u did . ill sit there and be thinkin of you and what you have said .
you write very good and pour ur heart out real good . youre a blessing !! and am so glad to get to know you . YOU are so speical !
am so glad u went over to ur friend s house and chowed down .
youre right people are suppose to bring you a dish or 2 so u can eat .
but who in heck wanna eat ? when my mom passed away 20 yrs ago , i tried to eat ugh there s no taste to it . no desire to eat . blahhhhhh
i feel like i dont need to get the eleventh hr book , cuz i have you . im learning what youre going thru and i believe im gonna do what you just did . youre my book !! :-) when i get on i always look for ur name and read it first .
ok sis in law just pop in at yahoo . gonna chit chat with her .
ill keep u guys posted about dad s visit to dr . goodnite sailors , xoxo
bobbie, that looks like some really good stuff to share with us. You're so good and kind to do that. Such caring and compassion.
Went to the funeral today. The wonderful lady was only 67 years old and seemed more like 50. It rained like the dickens. Flooding in the streets and all. I'm so glad I went. My friend was grateful for my support. It's true that doing the right thing even if you don't really wanna is the best thing and sometimes the hardest thing to do. Was so exhausted when I got home and got a little nap. I'm major PMSing and not very patient right now. Wish I could get over this woe is me s*&$. Hubby mowed the neighbors lawn this morning so that's a good sign.
See yas tomorrow. Love yas!!
miz
I look back with regret. Her son-in-law is very loud and abrupt, to say the least. He spoke about how he knew she was going, because he just went through it with his mom dying to cancer... In retrospect, I was mortified. I hate it when they talk about them in front of them. I try to usher people out into the hallway when they want to talk to me about my dad. It seems so disrespectful, otherwise. Some say, "He can't understand..." But I wonder how much of that is true. Sometimes the way things are handled is incorrect, and not proper. Not decently, or in order. My husband's sister didn't have us holding her hand, and no sweet talk. Just the loud mouth blathering on, with us having driven down 5 hours to get there. Had it been my call, we would have sung hymns, or played soft music, and would have said very nice things to her, regardless of whether I thought she could hear, understand, etc. But I was in my husband's niece's living room, with her upstairs sleeping, and me not even getting a word in edgewise. And they gave her morphine every 3 hours...not natural, and far from peaceful. So Bobbie, I like your ideas better. And I will try to practice them with my dad in the days ahead.
He is being dressed, bathed, and washed, and groomed by CNAs, because he can no longer do these things himself. He can't cut his food, but can still pick up a fork or spoon, and cup. But, he can't tell a joke, and used to love to write and speak poetry. Though ambulatory, he walks slowly, and often with assistance. He wanders in and out of people's room (lost?), or around in circles, seemingly aimlessly. Looking, searching, or...wondering? He is speaking less and less with every passing week. I miss the chattering, even though it hasn't made sense for some time. I miss his smile, which is so fleeting, with few between. I want to go for walks, like we used to, but he declines. I want to push him about in a wheelchair, so he can go out for fresh air and sunshine, but he won't go. He just wants to go to the sofa, and lie down, right in the middle of the hallway, with others sitting about. I can hardly lie down with him, but could pull up a chair. I don't think I'd say much, with numerous demented people about. Power of suggestion may elicit some strange responses. If I spoke out about "going on ahead, or on to heaven...", etc., someone else may take me up on the suggestion. So, I am careful of what I say...most of the time. Sometimes I regret my interaction with the staff. It's different than being with someone in their own home. We are usually sitting at a table in the dining room, with wanderers in and out, or others eating there. I can't talk to dad like I would if we were in his own space.
I just want to talk to him, but don't know what to say sometimes. I ask him questions, but he just stares. Why? On Father's Day, I told him, "I love you, Dad." I repeated this several times. No reaction. Did he not hear me? I sat there, looking searchingly into his eyes. I just want to grab him, throw him into my car, and drive away with him. I hate him being there. O, how I hate it more and more every day. But, when I think about all the logistics, it stops me cold, and makes me sooooooo sad. I think of hiring someone, getting a hospital bed, calling hospice, etc. This buzzes around my brain often. I hate the inconsistent staffing, and the thought of strangers getting paid to care for him. But...but...but...ugh! My brain hurts, because this recycles in my head continuously. Life ebbs and flows. There are sunrises, and sunsets. He is in the latter stage of Alzheimer's.
I should take some pictures of me and him. I could talk about them, and tell him how he impacted my life. At least it would give me something to talk about, other than, "How are you today?" Or listening to the nurse say, "He threw up yesterday." Gee, thanks for sharing... Then I come home and cry.
Went to a political debate tonight. 5 of 6 State Rep candidates there. Still, I thought of dad. I'm alive, and so is he, but not very active. I just miss him being...dare I say? Alive. I miss him working on a goal, or sharing a laugh. I can't remember the last time he laughed. I think it was April :( OK, I better go to sleep, since I'm being so melancholy.
Tomorrow's another day. I hope I have something more uplifting to report tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell you more about the debate, which was interesting.
Miz, love you, too. And Bobbie, and lhardebeck, and Austin, and Pirategal, and KelleyBean, and Rephil (miss you), and Pamela, and dtflex (where is she?), and... Wishing we were on the boat. Bobbie, every time I'm by the docks, I find myself hoping you're there. Perhaps someday. I'll run down. Hope it's soon. Sorry for those I forgot to mention, as it wasn't intentional. So glad you're all here. Thanks for reading to my ramblings, and for your support.
Bobbie, wonderful idea to pray for their comfort and peace. You're an angel.
Hugs, everyone.
Night, all.
I am on my 2nd cup o joe, have already called my 'helper': big guy with strong back $10 an hour, one of the firehouse guys. Good guys in my experience.
going to empty the BASEMENT, finally the BASEMENT. Arg.
going to throw the stuff on the front lawn, save what we can trash the rest and replace the pressure treated lumber that the monster shelves are sitting on. all will be well.
We are 90+ degrees and dry as a bone here right now so good opportunity.
OK now here's the cool stuff:
I keep running across nautical/boat/ship/airplane doo dads.
did I tell you about the anchor? My ass is too kicked to page back and check...
Little plastic anchor on a black thread, like from a happy meal or whatever, right in my path as i walk in to the Shop Rite to get some baby food for mom. 2 days before she died.
Said anchor will hang in pilothouse.
There's more fo those little things but you get it.
I know you caregivers are experiencing the most difficult times in your lives. Vent your hearts out, and just keep communicating. bless your little spleens.
I'm still all over the map but getting better. thanks you guys.
lovbob
I am so sorry. omg that is so sad. we love you Miz, omg.
sux beyond.
She may recognize you tomorrow or you can tease her and try to make her smile.
With one lady at mom's place i literally introduced myself every day.
love you Miz. angels and prayers.
lovbob
Hubby said to try not to look too much into it. That she may be okay later in the day. I don't know. God, I feel awful. I was so tired and not the most patient with her last night. I gotta get off here or I'm gonna cry and I want to keep busy. I'll write more later.
love,
miz