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Hey everybody! Still raining! flood watch tonight! Whatever....Nice title for a book think I will write one!
Diane, sorry to hear about your Mom! I can relate to it oh do well though! Dad gets up at about 10pm and stays up until.......whatever....oh there it is again!
Linda, glad you got out of this freaking weather for at least a couple of days! No sun coming out anytime soon! Whatever!
Grateful no more falls! Lights sure do make a big difference!
Wish I could say that I am headed up to bed, but will be up for some time to come! Whatever! LOL....
Hi everyone! I've got a lot of reading to catch up on here. We were away for Thanksgiving weekend and I didn't have my computer. So, forgive me. I have to get back into the loop. I did a little reading before writing this post. My heart aches for the many loving, caring people here who are hurting. I'm happy for those who had some uncommon pleasant family interactions. Those of you who are grieving, whether it's the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship or a job lost, know that you are cared for even by some folks you have never met.
And, cuz, thanks for the laughs.
We were with my family for Thanksgiving. My 56 year old brother is getting anxious about a reconstructive surgery scheduled for January. He developed an infection in his skull and brain following surgery to remove two large tumors in July. They removed a section of skull about the size of your palm in late August because the infection was so imbedded in the skull tissue. We almost lost him back in September but he is doing better now. His stamina is still low and we gathered at his home to be grateful together.
Hubby and I stayed at a hotel, Mom and other brother stayed at Jim's until Saturday.
My Mom was with us because other brother picked her up in southern NJ.
She is such a stubborn, ornery lady! Thanksgiving dinner was fine, for the most part. She tried to dominate the dinner discussion with repeated reports about the medications she takes. Oy.
On Friday the weather was a little warmer so the family sat in the back patio for morning coffee. Mom took a fall at about 9:30 am landing on her left knee and scratching both of her pinky fingers. Midafternoon, hubby and I arrived at Jim's and I was told about her fall and the fact that she refused to put ice on her knee and would not let anyone look at her knee.
Well, I looked at her scratched up knee, swollen to about the size of a tennis ball. Despite her vicious protests, I got ice on her knee and with the verbal support of my siblings, other brother and I took Mom to the ER. 5 hours, 2 xrays, blood tests, and a tetnus shot later, we finally got out of the hospital. Nothing was broken, thank goodness and she belly ached that all we did was a a waste of time. The ER doc was glad we'd brought her in because she is on warfarin (blood thinner) .
The ER experience was good for brother. He doesn't experience the reality of Mom's condition the way I do. She couldn't remember what meds she is taking when she was asked. (But she was able to repeat some of the meds repeatedly at the dinner table!) She couldn't remember what meds she is allergic to. She didn't know what day it was. Brother was present to hear her struggle with these answers. Certainly, I don't like that Mom is in this condition but I did appreciate that brother finally got to hear what I hear all the time.
Hubby and I took Mom home on Saturday and planned to take the ferry to travel home on Sunday. What I found at her home was that she had screwed up her check book a bit and had no food to speak of because she didn't think she had the money to go food shopping. I knew better and I knew immediately that she forgot to record an automatic deposit. But Hubby and I went grocery shopping for her (getting healthy foods instead of canned soup) and I made a nice dinner allowing for some left overs which she could reheat.
So, keeping to the topic here, I was grossed out and embarassed on Friday and Saturday when her repetitious story was about how constipated she'd been all day Thursday and Friday morning. She told hubby and I the story many times and she told everyone she could about her dilemna and how she solved it. ewwww. I just wanted to disappear!
I am happy to be home but I'm up late because I can't turn my brain off. Mom is okay in some ways, but tonight she was crying again because she "put the dinner in fromt of these kids and they just sit there and don't eat it. So I threw it out!" She gets depressed because these "kids" are so disrespectful and "never talk" to her. sigh.....
It's great to know I can come here and unload. Nothing is going to change, but it feels good to vent and know you understand. Thanks for listening, friends. You are so appreciated! (((hugs))) Bee
Bee I am so sorry for what you went through with your Mom-she is so lucky to have you. I can not stay with my Mom when I go to PA so I stay with my sister-now she treats everyone as bad as she treated me growing up and she has it very good a real nice apartment and other tenents to do things for her and my sister close by -she is so angery so much of the time I just do not get it. It is so great to be able to vent with our friends here-this place is a blessing. I am glad your brother saw her in action. My brother is going out to see Mom but she uses her good behaivior with him she sure can turn in on and off-but he never stays long with her but I hope he can stay long enough for her to show her true colors. I feel sad I can not have a relationship with her but I know it is her not me.
Isn't it great to know someone else really gets whats going on in our lives? Austin, my Mom is like Jeckle and Hyde with most people. I have told my family that I will do this, the long distance care giving, as long as is possible. I fully believe she shouldn't be alone even now. The fact is, I cannot bring her to live with me. It would be a disaster and I have been subject to her venom for many years. I think she'd be better of somewhere that the staff doesn't have any emotional ties to her and can distance themselves from her furey.
Don't feel too bad that you can't have a relationship with your Mom. I understand what you are saying, though. After 60 years you'd think I'd be immune to my Mom's venom but it still hurts from time to time. My wonderful hubby reminds me not to take her comments personally and I am able to "blame" some of this on her demensia.
It helps me to be more compassionate with Mom when I focus on the negative impact dementia is having on her quality of life. It helps me to deal with my guilt feelings when I accept that her stubborness and arrogance are the things preventing her from having a better quality of life. It's a tricky balance and that balance is slowly shifting. Before long, she won't have a choice and I will be able to get her some help whether she likes it or not.
Saturday night hubby and I slept at Mom's before driving home. She lives in a small home with a well. Everytime the water is used, the pumpt (right across the hall from the guest room) turns on. At 2:30 who knows what she was doing. At 4 am she took a shower for 30 minutes. At 5:40 she turned the light on in the guest room to ask what time we wanted to get up.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my mind was occupied with concerns for Mom's situation. My Serenity Prayer wasn't helping and so today I need to just get by on my 3 hours of sleep. I've read the posts of those who get ittle sleep. Thanks for your psots, I am not alone.
Morning all - snowing in Dixie (well - northern Dixie) and sunny and 70 in DC yesterday. Even climate change can get it right now and then as I so enjoy sending word of our weather down south when this happens.
Bee - did you guys take the ferry across Delaware Nay? We took it on the tail end of a noreaster once and husband and I sore never again - I get barfy just remembering it!
The 'going to the ER' call is a tough one especially over a weekend or holiday. The protocol we put in place here for Moms falls was:
1. 'Call, watch and wait' - making sure we reported the call - even if to the doctors answering service, so we would have a record. With the increasing public awareness of elder abuse, better to have a record of any cuts or brusies than not.
2. Consider 'urgent care' facilities as an alternative to the ER. You can even call them first to see how busy they are, and if they take your insurance. These facilities will absolutely refer you on to the hospital if the injury or illness is beyond their capability, and the visit is usually hours shorter and muvch, much less expensive that going to the ER.
3. Call an ambulance. In many communities there is NO CHARGE to have the firetruck and the EMT's come out and assess. Mine is such. The EMT's do the BP, blood ox, check for range of motion, etc. and while they are not SUPPOSED to give you their opinion on going to the hospital, your can infer it. When Mom fell on labor day weekend with a hurricane howling, and I was loathe to put her in wheelchair, into car, out of car, etc., to have her checked out, it was an ideal solution. They assured me she was fine - and again, I eliminated any possibility of being accused of elder abuse or negligence becasuse ofr their visit. Also, they told me to call anytime 24/7 if I needed help moving Mom or getting her up from the floor (I wish I had realized this! I injured my lower back when getting Mom up when she fell - and the injury worsened during her last weeks of life - severely affecting my ability to care for her by myself and adding ongoing physical pain that often brought me to tears to the emotional trauma I was expereincing). ---
Mom fell again last night. Doesn't appear that she hurt anything. My brother has taken her out for lunch. This is good since I'm feeling very bad with a bout of IBS and spasms in my colon. I was trying to go into work, but my stomach is so swollen it hurts bad to sit up. I knew something was brewing with that awful headache last night. I'm feeling very defeated and completely encompassed by the black hole. Nothing bright or encouraging to say right now other than to thank you for the support.
Where we live the call 911 is fantastic they send police or fireman after asking about injuries when you call and if needed EMT'S and Paramedics come -I had to call over 50 times the last few years of my husbands life and they never made me feel bad but in the next county they were nasty to my SIL's Mom because she had to call them 3 times so now she calls my brother to get his FIL up off the floor or a neighbor. We really are lucky where we live-they are very professional.
Carolyn, your story is very well written and very sad. I am sorry for you and your mother. You know she won't be able to live alone, very soon, and she refuses help. I know how hard it is. Diane I am sorry you are still so depressed. Try, as much as possible, to stay positive and think that at least James is better... Barb I am happy you are seeing beautiful places. Linda I am happy about your vacation and your time with Bobbie. Christina I hope you are well and recovering from the tiredness of Thanksgiving. Sorry if I forgot someone. I woke up very early and I am sleepy...+ Great politically incorrect jokes, Cuz! The one about Italians was very cute.
So Cuz won't alone in his offending anyone . . . --- "Hello". "Mrs. Smith, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's tests to the lab yesterday, a test from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered into his grandma's face, and said, "Wrinkles."
Yay!! Snowing here now! Big beautiful flakes! Something different really helps lift the mood!
Diane, sorry to hear your Mom fell! Dad had that week with three falls and I was on pins and needles! Every little noise would have me running to check on him! Try to rest as much as you can with the IBS! I know it is easier said than done! Hope James is doing much better too! XXOO
I think I am becoming very sleep deprived and can't focus on anything well at all these days! Find myself nodding off throughout the day! Oh well, it is what it is.....and so it goes!
Hi I haven't posted for a while, hope all are coping ok. My Mom's agitation is getting on my last nerve. It's either sundowning, UTI, or I don't know what. AAAHHHHH!! No one here understands this but I know you guys will. I feel better already.
Ya, the puppy is helping me get thru it! Thanks he's always happy to see me We were doing pretty good, but have had about two weeks of this nightly agitation. Two hours and she will go to bed, yay!
Linda, I am so glad you got to THE BOAT and to meet Bobbie. Isn't she a doll and a hoot!! Such a good hostess too!! Someday maybe we can go and stay longer. What a ball that would be. Now you are in the club of those fortunate enough to meet our wonderful Captain!! :)) And Bobbie got to meet you!! You deserve all the fun in the world after all the work you put in day in and day out for your pa and all of the rest of your family. So glad you had BOAT TIME!!
thanks miz , yes she is a hoot and a very good person inside and out . someday i do want to go back ... 2 days just wasnt enuff . ssk - happy to hear from you , i do think of u often and wondering how u guys are doing . gotta stay near by so we wont worry as much . wheres cricket ? saw her picture in facebook . my gosh she would be a blast to hang out with ! come on cricket where are u ? hope all is well there , keepin warm i bet . son doesnt like bandit so he doesnt know what to do with him . i told himi take him back , hubby yelled noooooooo i dont want that damn dog back , my heart crack a little . son said im sorry mom , that dog barks all night and all day and his 2 other dogs doesnt care for bandit cuz he is so anoyyed , crack my heart more . i think i ll take him to the pound and let them put him to sleep cuz i know nobody wants a hyperactive dog . chews on everything , jumps on ya , runs off wont listen when u hollar . he is just tooo much , i bet that is whythe first owner took him to the pound , now this will be his 2nd owner to take him back there . im just sad , if m hubby just let me keep him i could work with him but noooooooooo! damn ,, sheba wouldnt get out of her dog house , her back leg just wont work , hubby put some straw in her house and said she looks bad , i said yes i wish i could bring her in the house cuz i know the cold air is hurting her hips , he said we ll see how she is tmr if she still looks bad , i could bring her in and stink the house up , shes 14 yrs old , anybody wants bandit ? xoxo
Linda-what kind if dog is bandit? I think there are some no kill shelters here. You might check with Pet Smart. Sheba probably wouldn't have any odor if you threw her in a warm tub with some good smelling shampoo. What a heartbreaking situation for you! Luv ya lots....Tired Kimmy
The thing that we who care-give all share and understand, If Mom thinks she's our daughter now, Or Dad plays with his hands. These changes in the folks we love are far beyond just sad. They make us crazy too, it's true, they also make us mad. Our worlds have been turned upside down, life as we knew it gone. As are many friends and siblings - yet alone we soldier on. It is a choice, we realize this, we could just walk away And leave the ones who gave us life to somehow find their way. Yet though our hearts are breaking, our minds and bodies shot, We will not be the ones to leave those others have forgot. We'll forge ahead, and do our best, and give love every day. We'll tend their wounds, and clean their poop, and wipe their tears away. For while we may feel abandoned in our choice to wage this fight, When we look into our parent's eyes, we know our choice was right.
Linda you lucky girl getting to go meet Bobbie! That's great :) You know I'm kinda nutty and that's okay, but how about bringing your dog inside and put her in a warm tub with some Epsom salt to ease her joints then give her a s-poo :) I've been reading all the posts and have been catching up from the Thanksgiving dinner. Today I had two old fillings removed at the Dentist and new ones put in. Our weather here is so gorgeous that I've been doing some gardening outside everyday.
Cuz, omg the jokes have been great! Thanks for posting them. And Barb, the one about the freckles/wrinkles was priceless.
Carolyn, Sorry you're having to go through those difficulties with your Mother. It's hard I know. I'm glad you unloaded a little here. I think they (parents) repeat the same things over and over because it's their way of trying to keep from forgetting. My best friend out in Cali who is old enough to be my Mother also has the beginnings of dementia seems to be obsessed with her bowels also, LOL The poor dears just don't have anything else to talk about. It's pretty sad really. I hope your back at home safe and getting a breather.
Diane, dear Diane, you've taken on so much stress and responsibility in the last few weeks it's no wonder you've got IBS and the black hole syndrome :( we are here for you. I wish I could say or do something to help you more.
Kimmy, I knew something was going on with you cause I didn't see you posting as much as usual. Sorry you're not getting much sleep. If you're getting little cat naps in during the day that's good.
It's late and I better get off to bed. Everyone just know that you and your loved ones are all in my prayers. Love you all. Chirp Chirp Cricket
Very nice, md. Welcome! You seem to have the whole perspective. Lots of wonderful people here on Grossed Out, and fantastic support throughout the site. Hi Crew. Diane, sorry you are in the pits right now. I asked you a while back if you can put guard rails on your Mom's bed, or does she have a hospital bed? I was so used to my Mother not being able to do anything on her own, except jump off the sofa to wander, so I am puzzled about your Mom and Kim's Dad falling? Because my Mother was legally blind, we never let her out of our sight, that's why she never fell. It is a scary thing to hear things going bump in the night and I am sorry you are going through this. Is there anything that will help? The time I am spending with Mother now is at the stage of her yelling and getting herself worked up into a frenzy, then she closes her eyes, exhales and relaxes for a brief moment. She repeats certain words over and over with a frantic look on her face. It is devastating. She says, Mama, and NO, and Oh my gosh, and Oh NO, over and over and over loudly. She can say a few things normally, but only as a response. I am pretty sure my brother will NOT come see her again, as he is too sensitive to handle it. Last weekend my sister brought her husband, and that is the first time he has seen her in over 2 years. Her kids have never visited, as she was not an active Grandmother to them, but what about "respect?" It is definitely an emotional roller coaster, but I don't do the physical jobs anymore, so I can deal with it. I must admit, as I walked out of the care home today, I immediately thought about buying an ice cream, or something, anything comforting to eat. I was so aware of it, and talked myself out of it quickly. Up until now I have been aware, but didn't care. Now, I have caught up with myself, how I look and feel, and know I must do a turn around. Today a hospice worker was at the home when I got there doing an update on another woman. She witnessed Mother's behavior, saw that I take her into her bedroom, then take her outside for a long walk. I do that for many reasons: to get Mother out into the fresh air and sunshine, give the others a total break, and burn off some of my anxiety from each visit. Some days she doth protest too much, but I say Lalalalala, Mother (I learned that from LindaHeart:) Put on her hat, sunglasses and sweater or a throw, and off we go. What surprised me today was the visiting hospice nurse said. "You're so patient and sweet with your Mom". I just looked at her, thought I was going to cry. She looked like she was going to cry. I just shrugged my shoulders and continued pushing her wheelchair. She asked, "Is there any other family to help you?" Then I could feel my throat tighten and I shook my head no. Mother all the while is yelling and saying, Oh no, Oh, no, and I just want to focus on the walk because it's enough to deal with. It has become a ritual. I feel good that I have this much aware time with her, I can address the most meaningful situations with regard to what can I do for her that she cannot think of for herself. Today, maybe before today, I realized why I am the best person in the "family", to be her caregiver. Love you all, Christina xo
Christina stop your post made me cry. It was so true and so real and how that lump comes up in your throat when you have to admit to folks that no else gives dam about crazy old Mom (or dad) but you. And how yes yes yes you are the best person in the family - period- because despite our desire to eat ice cream(or HUGE bags of chips) sometimes coupled with the thought that instead of checking on Mom we should run - not walk - far far away, we don't run away. We show up. Awesome post there. -- I've got that weird kind of pain in my ear running ithrough my jaw and into my throat thing going on since last night this morning. Feels kind of like a earache/ toothache and its trying to bother me when I swallow . . .I've had it before but can't remember how I got rid of it. No fever or other symptoms. Any ideas?
Husband off to Jersey on a press check. We actually made decent money this quarter with our home business - but not nearly enough - and there is nothing else in the queue. We have trimmed down and jazzed up his resume and posted it everywhere and even to headhunters.
I continue to look at the want ads for me and am even now considering the one job I can probably get at a decent wage - elder caregiving. But of course it is the one thing I really don't want to do for a number of reasons all of which I am sure all here understand.
Lovely and COLD here today in Maryland. Love you guys.
Christina, You inspire me to be a better person. I to am going to adopt Linda's Lalala attitude. That's sort of where I am with Dad now. He is having an issue with his bladder or prostate gland so I'm about to make an appointment with the Urologist. Dad lays in bed and moans so loud like he is dying in agony and it's one of his forms of passive aggressiveness, I can tell he is just demanding attention because when he hears me in the kitchen his moans get louder and louder then when I go in he stops, lalalalala I'm going to take him to the doctor just in case though. When he acts like this it makes me want to slap him (not that I ever would) but then I remind myself to remember compassion. Being a caregiver can be a direct path into ones soul and if we let it, it can help us grow by teaching us more and more about ourselves. Oh boy is it hard at times!
Before I signed in here I read an article on this site: "Is Alzheimers (or dementia) the patient's problem ... or yours?" It was a good reminder of why we have this forum - because the problem is OURS.
Before I read the article, I was going to sit down and vent because yesterday I spent 20 minutes on the phone with Mom subtracting one transaction in her checkbook. I lost patience, but not openly. Thank goodness she couldn't see my body language! ( How many times can you repeat "no, Mom, zero from 8 is not 9"?)
The article reminded me that Mom's fear and anxiety is behind this situation. So, I come here to tell you all about....my anxiety. Wow. Thank goodness you are here!
Thankfully, I did sleep better last night so I feel I can make better sense of life today. I do want to thank all of you for your kind words, advice and information about EMTs and 911. I will file this helpful information away for future use.
Mariesmom - yes, we did take the Cape May Ferry to Lewes. We've done it many times over the past few years because we live in western PA and it cuts out part of the drive. I grew up spending some summers boating so I don't have any sea sickness issues. I really enjoy boating. By the way, I liked your joke!
Diane, I'm so sorry this is such a rough patch for you and your Mom. Please try to find some respite for yourself - you need it and deserve it.
Jen - yes, it will come to an end someday for all of us. Somehow, we have to look at ourselves and be reminded that we care for our loved ones by choice. Even when it's been sort of "dumped" on us because no one else can or is willing to do it. We still have a choice. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. You are a wonderful person and you are coping as well as you can in a difficult situation. Mom can't thank you or let you know how precious what you are doing is to her - but we can. Thank you, Jen.
Md - beautiful poem! Thank you for sharing it with us and Welcome! Linda - I hope you can get Sheba in the house and find a good place for Bandit. Our friends here gave you good advice! Ro - thanks for your kind words. You are just so very special Cricket - Hey girl! I am not sure I have read all the posts...I got lost about the BOAT TIME but it sounded like fun. Kimmie - I so hope you can get some rest. I know myself how hard it is to cope when you are so exhausted. Take care, girlfriend.
I need to get busy here this morning. I should make cookies or something for Hubby's lunches (I love to cook but hate to bake!). Ugh. He's a good guy and I can't get to the store on my own so, I'll be a good guy and do it for him. lol
Oh, good news. I learned my sclera lens finally arrived and I have an appointment 12/13 to get it. I don't really want to wait that long, but it's an hour drive to the specialists (I have to see 2 docs) and I had to coordinate the appointments. If all is well and no adjustments are needed, it may be a GREAT Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Hugs to all! If I didn't mention you by name forgive me. You are important, too! Bee
I'm not sure if you all can see the flowers in the profile picture I'm showcasing today, it is of my "yesterday, today and tomorrow" bushes in full bloom in my backyard this morning! I just had to share :) Chirp!
Barb, it sounds like neuralgia. Do you have an herbal pack? Put it in microwave for a minute and place on your ear and jaw. Take an advil or whatever you take for pain. Take zinc and Airbourne 3 x today. Fight it by indulging yourself with rest and sleep today. Keep using herbal pack as long as it feels good. I bought a collection of different herbal packs at a kiosk in the mall several years ago. There is one that has straps you can put on your lower back, one that drapes over the shoulders-- used that for Mother on cold mornings under her fur stole-- and a 4x8 inch pillow that it good for face, wrist, ankle. I've used them all for different people and ailments, and bought several as gifts. You can put in freezer or microwave, filled with lavender and flax seeds. I'm posting recipes today for pea soup, butternut squash soup, and a very hearty vegetarian lentil stew with cornbread dumplings. Ok-- the doctor is Out. Haha. Love Y'all. xo
Carolyn, just buy the cookies by Nestle's in the case by biscuits. They come in little cubes and there are 2 dozen. You can bake them all or a few at a time. I put 2 cubes together since they come out small. Last week I got the oatmeal raisin, hubby's favorite. Trust me, it is NOT "baking". You will survive it. Heehee
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Diane, sorry to hear about your Mom! I can relate to it oh do well though! Dad gets up at about 10pm and stays up until.......whatever....oh there it is again!
Linda, glad you got out of this freaking weather for at least a couple of days! No sun coming out anytime soon! Whatever!
Grateful no more falls! Lights sure do make a big difference!
Wish I could say that I am headed up to bed, but will be up for some time to come! Whatever! LOL....
Love and hugs to all! Check in later! Kim
And, cuz, thanks for the laughs.
We were with my family for Thanksgiving. My 56 year old brother is getting anxious about a reconstructive surgery scheduled for January. He developed an infection in his skull and brain following surgery to remove two large tumors in July. They removed a section of skull about the size of your palm in late August because the infection was so imbedded in the skull tissue. We almost lost him back in September but he is doing better now. His stamina is still low and we gathered at his home to be grateful together.
Hubby and I stayed at a hotel, Mom and other brother stayed at Jim's until Saturday.
My Mom was with us because other brother picked her up in southern NJ.
She is such a stubborn, ornery lady! Thanksgiving dinner was fine, for the most part. She tried to dominate the dinner discussion with repeated reports about the medications she takes. Oy.
On Friday the weather was a little warmer so the family sat in the back patio for morning coffee. Mom took a fall at about 9:30 am landing on her left knee and scratching both of her pinky fingers. Midafternoon, hubby and I arrived at Jim's and I was told about her fall and the fact that she refused to put ice on her knee and would not let anyone look at her knee.
Well, I looked at her scratched up knee, swollen to about the size of a tennis ball. Despite her vicious protests, I got ice on her knee and with the verbal support of my siblings, other brother and I took Mom to the ER. 5 hours, 2 xrays, blood tests, and a tetnus shot later, we finally got out of the hospital. Nothing was broken, thank goodness and she belly ached that all we did was a a waste of time. The ER doc was glad we'd brought her in because she is on warfarin (blood thinner) .
The ER experience was good for brother. He doesn't experience the reality of Mom's condition the way I do. She couldn't remember what meds she is taking when she was asked. (But she was able to repeat some of the meds repeatedly at the dinner table!) She couldn't remember what meds she is allergic to. She didn't know what day it was. Brother was present to hear her struggle with these answers. Certainly, I don't like that Mom is in this condition but I did appreciate that brother finally got to hear what I hear all the time.
Hubby and I took Mom home on Saturday and planned to take the ferry to travel home on Sunday. What I found at her home was that she had screwed up her check book a bit and had no food to speak of because she didn't think she had the money to go food shopping. I knew better and I knew immediately that she forgot to record an automatic deposit. But Hubby and I went grocery shopping for her (getting healthy foods instead of canned soup) and I made a nice dinner allowing for some left overs which she could reheat.
So, keeping to the topic here, I was grossed out and embarassed on Friday and Saturday when her repetitious story was about how constipated she'd been all day Thursday and Friday morning. She told hubby and I the story many times and she told everyone she could about her dilemna and how she solved it. ewwww. I just wanted to disappear!
I am happy to be home but I'm up late because I can't turn my brain off. Mom is okay in some ways, but tonight she was crying again because she "put the dinner in fromt of these kids and they just sit there and don't eat it. So I threw it out!" She gets depressed because these "kids" are so disrespectful and "never talk" to her. sigh.....
It's great to know I can come here and unload. Nothing is going to change, but it feels good to vent and know you understand. Thanks for listening, friends. You are so appreciated! (((hugs))) Bee
Don't feel too bad that you can't have a relationship with your Mom. I understand what you are saying, though. After 60 years you'd think I'd be immune to my Mom's venom but it still hurts from time to time. My wonderful hubby reminds me not to take her comments personally and I am able to "blame" some of this on her demensia.
It helps me to be more compassionate with Mom when I focus on the negative impact dementia is having on her quality of life. It helps me to deal with my guilt feelings when I accept that her stubborness and arrogance are the things preventing her from having a better quality of life. It's a tricky balance and that balance is slowly shifting. Before long, she won't have a choice and I will be able to get her some help whether she likes it or not.
Saturday night hubby and I slept at Mom's before driving home. She lives in a small home with a well. Everytime the water is used, the pumpt (right across the hall from the guest room) turns on. At 2:30 who knows what she was doing. At 4 am she took a shower for 30 minutes. At 5:40 she turned the light on in the guest room to ask what time we wanted to get up.
Last night I couldn't sleep because my mind was occupied with concerns for Mom's situation. My Serenity Prayer wasn't helping and so today I need to just get by on my 3 hours of sleep. I've read the posts of those who get ittle sleep. Thanks for your psots, I am not alone.
Have a good day if you can, friends. Bee
Bee - did you guys take the ferry across Delaware Nay? We took it on the tail end of a noreaster once and husband and I sore never again - I get barfy just remembering it!
The 'going to the ER' call is a tough one especially over a weekend or holiday. The protocol we put in place here for Moms falls was:
1. 'Call, watch and wait' - making sure we reported the call - even if to the doctors answering service, so we would have a record. With the increasing public awareness of elder abuse, better to have a record of any cuts or brusies than not.
2. Consider 'urgent care' facilities as an alternative to the ER. You can even call them first to see how busy they are, and if they take your insurance. These facilities will absolutely refer you on to the hospital if the injury or illness is beyond their capability, and the visit is usually hours shorter and muvch, much less expensive that going to the ER.
3. Call an ambulance. In many communities there is NO CHARGE to have the firetruck and the EMT's come out and assess. Mine is such. The EMT's do the BP, blood ox, check for range of motion, etc. and while they are not SUPPOSED to give you their opinion on going to the hospital, your can infer it. When Mom fell on labor day weekend with a hurricane howling, and I was loathe to put her in wheelchair, into car, out of car, etc., to have her checked out, it was an ideal solution. They assured me she was fine - and again, I eliminated any possibility of being accused of elder abuse or negligence becasuse ofr their visit. Also, they told me to call anytime 24/7 if I needed help moving Mom or getting her up from the floor (I wish I had realized this! I injured my lower back when getting Mom up when she fell - and the injury worsened during her last weeks of life - severely affecting my ability to care for her by myself and adding ongoing physical pain that often brought me to tears to the emotional trauma I was expereincing).
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Mom fell again last night. Doesn't appear that she hurt anything. My brother has taken her out for lunch. This is good since I'm feeling very bad with a bout of IBS and spasms in my colon. I was trying to go into work, but my stomach is so swollen it hurts bad to sit up. I knew something was brewing with that awful headache last night. I'm feeling very defeated and completely encompassed by the black hole. Nothing bright or encouraging to say right now other than to thank you for the support.
Love ya,
Diane
Diane I am sorry you are still so depressed. Try, as much as possible, to stay positive and think that at least James is better...
Barb I am happy you are seeing beautiful places.
Linda I am happy about your vacation and your time with Bobbie.
Christina I hope you are well and recovering from the tiredness of Thanksgiving.
Sorry if I forgot someone. I woke up very early and I am sleepy...+
Great politically incorrect jokes, Cuz! The one about Italians was very cute.
---
"Hello".
"Mrs. Smith, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's tests to the lab yesterday, a test from another Mr. Smith arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Smith asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Smith.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him".
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered into his grandma's face, and said, "Wrinkles."
Diane, sorry to hear your Mom fell! Dad had that week with three falls and I was on pins and needles! Every little noise would have me running to check on him! Try to rest as much as you can with the IBS! I know it is easier said than done! Hope James is doing much better too! XXOO
I think I am becoming very sleep deprived and can't focus on anything well at all these days! Find myself nodding off throughout the day! Oh well, it is what it is.....and so it goes!
Love and hugs to all! Check in later! Kim
No one here understands this but I know you guys will. I feel better already.
When all else fails ~ hug the dog!
We were doing pretty good, but have had about two weeks of this nightly agitation.
Two hours and she will go to bed, yay!
love,
miz
ssk - happy to hear from you , i do think of u often and wondering how u guys are doing . gotta stay near by so we wont worry as much .
wheres cricket ? saw her picture in facebook . my gosh she would be a blast to hang out with ! come on cricket where are u ? hope all is well there , keepin warm i bet .
son doesnt like bandit so he doesnt know what to do with him . i told himi take him back , hubby yelled noooooooo i dont want that damn dog back , my heart crack a little . son said im sorry mom , that dog barks all night and all day and his 2 other dogs doesnt care for bandit cuz he is so anoyyed , crack my heart more .
i think i ll take him to the pound and let them put him to sleep cuz i know nobody wants a hyperactive dog . chews on everything , jumps on ya , runs off wont listen when u hollar . he is just tooo much , i bet that is whythe first owner took him to the pound , now this will be his 2nd owner to take him back there . im just sad , if m hubby just let me keep him i could work with him but noooooooooo!
damn ,, sheba wouldnt get out of her dog house , her back leg just wont work , hubby put some straw in her house and said she looks bad , i said yes i wish i could bring her in the house cuz i know the cold air is hurting her hips , he said we ll see how she is tmr if she still looks bad , i could bring her in and stink the house up , shes 14 yrs old ,
anybody wants bandit ? xoxo
The thing that we who care-give all share and understand,
If Mom thinks she's our daughter now,
Or Dad plays with his hands.
These changes in the folks we love are far beyond just sad.
They make us crazy too, it's true, they also make us mad.
Our worlds have been turned upside down, life as we knew it gone.
As are many friends and siblings - yet alone we soldier on.
It is a choice, we realize this, we could just walk away
And leave the ones who gave us life to somehow find their way.
Yet though our hearts are breaking, our minds and bodies shot,
We will not be the ones to leave those others have forgot.
We'll forge ahead, and do our best, and give love every day.
We'll tend their wounds, and clean their poop, and wipe their tears away.
For while we may feel abandoned in our choice to wage this fight,
When we look into our parent's eyes, we know our choice was right.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,
expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "Its okay boys. He's one of us."
Linda you lucky girl getting to go meet Bobbie! That's great :) You know I'm kinda nutty and that's okay, but how about bringing your dog inside and put her in a warm tub with some Epsom salt to ease her joints then give her a s-poo :)
I've been reading all the posts and have been catching up from the Thanksgiving dinner. Today I had two old fillings removed at the Dentist and new ones put in. Our weather here is so gorgeous that I've been doing some gardening outside everyday.
Cuz, omg the jokes have been great! Thanks for posting them. And Barb, the one about the freckles/wrinkles was priceless.
Carolyn, Sorry you're having to go through those difficulties with your Mother. It's hard I know. I'm glad you unloaded a little here. I think they (parents) repeat the same things over and over because it's their way of trying to keep from forgetting. My best friend out in Cali who is old enough to be my Mother also has the beginnings of dementia seems to be obsessed with her bowels also, LOL The poor dears just don't have anything else to talk about. It's pretty sad really. I hope your back at home safe and getting a breather.
Diane, dear Diane, you've taken on so much stress and responsibility in the last few weeks it's no wonder you've got IBS and the black hole syndrome :( we are here for you. I wish I could say or do something to help you more.
Kimmy, I knew something was going on with you cause I didn't see you posting as much as usual. Sorry you're not getting much sleep. If you're getting little cat naps in during the day that's good.
It's late and I better get off to bed. Everyone just know that you and your loved ones are all in my prayers. Love you all. Chirp Chirp Cricket
Hi Crew. Diane, sorry you are in the pits right now. I asked you a while back if you can put guard rails on your Mom's bed, or does she have a hospital bed? I was so used to my Mother not being able to do anything on her own, except jump off the sofa to wander, so I am puzzled about your Mom and Kim's Dad falling? Because my Mother was legally blind, we never let her out of our sight, that's why she never fell. It is a scary thing to hear things going bump in the night and I am sorry you are going through this. Is there anything that will help?
The time I am spending with Mother now is at the stage of her yelling and getting herself worked up into a frenzy, then she closes her eyes, exhales and relaxes for a brief moment. She repeats certain words over and over with a frantic look on her face. It is devastating. She says, Mama, and NO, and Oh my gosh, and Oh NO, over and over and over loudly. She can say a few things normally, but only as a response. I am pretty sure my brother will NOT come see her again, as he is too sensitive to handle it. Last weekend my sister brought her husband, and that is the first time he has seen her in over 2 years. Her kids have never visited, as she was not an active Grandmother to them, but what about "respect?" It is definitely an emotional roller coaster, but I don't do the physical jobs anymore, so I can deal with it. I must admit, as I walked out of the care home today, I immediately thought about buying an ice cream, or something, anything comforting to eat. I was so aware of it, and talked myself out of it quickly. Up until now I have been aware, but didn't care. Now, I have caught up with myself, how I look and feel, and know I must do a turn around.
Today a hospice worker was at the home when I got there doing an update on another woman. She witnessed Mother's behavior, saw that I take her into her bedroom, then take her outside for a long walk. I do that for many reasons: to get Mother out into the fresh air and sunshine, give the others a total break, and burn off some of my anxiety from each visit. Some days she doth protest too much, but I say Lalalalala, Mother (I learned that from LindaHeart:) Put on her hat, sunglasses and sweater or a throw, and off we go. What surprised me today was the visiting hospice nurse said. "You're so patient and sweet with your Mom". I just looked at her, thought I was going to cry. She looked like she was going to cry. I just shrugged my shoulders and continued pushing her wheelchair. She asked, "Is there any other family to help you?" Then I could feel my throat tighten and I shook my head no. Mother all the while is yelling and saying, Oh no, Oh, no, and I just want to focus on the walk because it's enough to deal with. It has become a ritual. I feel good that I have this much aware time with her, I can address the most meaningful situations with regard to what can I do for her that she cannot think of for herself. Today, maybe before today, I realized why I am the best person in the "family", to be her caregiver. Love you all, Christina xo
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I've got that weird kind of pain in my ear running ithrough my jaw and into my throat thing going on since last night this morning. Feels kind of like a earache/ toothache and its trying to bother me when I swallow . . .I've had it before but can't remember how I got rid of it. No fever or other symptoms. Any ideas?
Husband off to Jersey on a press check. We actually made decent money this quarter with our home business - but not nearly enough - and there is nothing else in the queue. We have trimmed down and jazzed up his resume and posted it everywhere and even to headhunters.
I continue to look at the want ads for me and am even now considering the one job I can probably get at a decent wage - elder caregiving. But of course it is the one thing I really don't want to do for a number of reasons all of which I am sure all here understand.
Lovely and COLD here today in Maryland. Love you guys.
Christina, You inspire me to be a better person. I to am going to adopt Linda's Lalala attitude. That's sort of where I am with Dad now. He is having an issue with his bladder or prostate gland so I'm about to make an appointment with the Urologist. Dad lays in bed and moans so loud like he is dying in agony and it's one of his forms of passive aggressiveness, I can tell he is just demanding attention because when he hears me in the kitchen his moans get louder and louder then when I go in he stops, lalalalala I'm going to take him to the doctor just in case though. When he acts like this it makes me want to slap him (not that I ever would) but then I remind myself to remember compassion. Being a caregiver can be a direct path into ones soul and if we let it, it can help us grow by teaching us more and more about ourselves. Oh boy is it hard at times!
Hi Jen :)
Everyone have a good day. Love you all.
Chirp Chirp Cricket
Before I read the article, I was going to sit down and vent because yesterday I spent 20 minutes on the phone with Mom subtracting one transaction in her checkbook. I lost patience, but not openly. Thank goodness she couldn't see my body language! ( How many times can you repeat "no, Mom, zero from 8 is not 9"?)
The article reminded me that Mom's fear and anxiety is behind this situation. So, I come here to tell you all about....my anxiety. Wow. Thank goodness you are here!
Thankfully, I did sleep better last night so I feel I can make better sense of life today. I do want to thank all of you for your kind words, advice and information about EMTs and 911. I will file this helpful information away for future use.
Mariesmom - yes, we did take the Cape May Ferry to Lewes. We've done it many times over the past few years because we live in western PA and it cuts out part of the drive. I grew up spending some summers boating so I don't have any sea sickness issues. I really enjoy boating. By the way, I liked your joke!
Diane, I'm so sorry this is such a rough patch for you and your Mom. Please try to find some respite for yourself - you need it and deserve it.
Jen - yes, it will come to an end someday for all of us. Somehow, we have to look at ourselves and be reminded that we care for our loved ones by choice. Even when it's been sort of "dumped" on us because no one else can or is willing to do it. We still have a choice. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. You are a wonderful person and you are coping as well as you can in a difficult situation. Mom can't thank you or let you know how precious what you are doing is to her - but we can. Thank you, Jen.
Md - beautiful poem! Thank you for sharing it with us and Welcome!
Linda - I hope you can get Sheba in the house and find a good place for Bandit. Our friends here gave you good advice!
Ro - thanks for your kind words. You are just so very special
Cricket - Hey girl! I am not sure I have read all the posts...I got lost about the BOAT TIME but it sounded like fun.
Kimmie - I so hope you can get some rest. I know myself how hard it is to cope when you are so exhausted. Take care, girlfriend.
I need to get busy here this morning. I should make cookies or something for Hubby's lunches (I love to cook but hate to bake!). Ugh. He's a good guy and I can't get to the store on my own so, I'll be a good guy and do it for him. lol
Oh, good news. I learned my sclera lens finally arrived and I have an appointment 12/13 to get it. I don't really want to wait that long, but it's an hour drive to the specialists (I have to see 2 docs) and I had to coordinate the appointments. If all is well and no adjustments are needed, it may be a GREAT Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
Hugs to all! If I didn't mention you by name forgive me. You are important, too! Bee
I'm not sure if you all can see the flowers in the profile picture I'm showcasing today, it is of my "yesterday, today and tomorrow" bushes in full bloom in my backyard this morning! I just had to share :) Chirp!
I bought a collection of different herbal packs at a kiosk in the mall several years ago. There is one that has straps you can put on your lower back, one that drapes over the shoulders-- used that for Mother on cold mornings under her fur stole-- and a 4x8 inch pillow that it good for face, wrist, ankle. I've used them all for different people and ailments, and bought several as gifts. You can put in freezer or microwave, filled with lavender and flax seeds.
I'm posting recipes today for pea soup, butternut squash soup, and a very hearty vegetarian lentil stew with cornbread dumplings.
Ok-- the doctor is Out. Haha. Love Y'all. xo