Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Golf ~ Offended by your comment? Never. Alan's antics weren't so funny at the time, but eventually you've gotta laugh--or go crazy!

Bee ~ My kitchen looks like yours does now all the time. Before my role as caregiver, it would have driven me nuts. Now I'm too tired to care.

Christina ~ Why would I want to stop you for your eating junk and watching rubbish. I'd rather invite myself over and keep you company. I'll bring the libations. Partay!

Out of tune

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently a funeral director
asked me to play at the gravesite service for a homeless man
with no family. It was to be held at a paupers' cemetery way
out in the country. Not familiar with the backroads, I got lost.
An hour late, I finally arrived and saw that evedently the
funeral guy had gone. The hearse was nowhere in sight.
Only the diggers and the crew were left, and they were eating their
lunch.
I felt bad and called out an apology to the men for being late.
I walked over to the graveside, looked down, and saw the vault
lid already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started
to play.
The workers put down their lunches. I played heart and soul for
that man with no family or friends. As I played "Amazing Grace,"
the workers started to weep. In fact, we all wept togather.
Finally I packed up my bagpipes and headed for my car
with a full heart.
As I opened the car door, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothing like that before, and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

My rest period has been shot to hell already! What a surprise. Mom has kept my brother and SIL up all night and is completely disoriented. He called at 9am saying we need to bring mum back home. He has asked me to find a sitter for tonight and tomorrow night so I can get rest, but she needs to come home. Now he is ready to sell my mothers house and put mom in a NH. I'm not sure what I am feeling right now. Confused, dazed and bewildered. Maybe I should take a xanax and go back to bed.

Diane, maybe that would be the best thing. Sometimes you have to cut your losses, or lose it all. There are worse things. Sit down with them and open your mind to other options. You will survive it and carry on with dignity. I wish you the best and pray for your peace. Love, Christina xo

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Very nice story, Sheila!
Diane, I am sorry but I expected something like this. "They" can't stand for 1 (one) night what we stand 365 days out of 365. If I were you I would say to your brother: "As the doctor told me I need to rest for a few days, and you can't keep our mother at your place, please pay a person who stays at my house for a few days, 24/7, so I can rest and you won't have any trouble". I bet he would say "No" to this solution, too....

So, what is the answer for Diane?! It seems some people only deal in black or white, all or nothing. I think you need a mediator, Diane, to find the best compromise for your well-being, and for your Mom's care, with brother accepting his dose of reality. You may not be able to have everything the way you think is best for your Mom, but you must give yourself equal consideration.

Hi everyone,

Mom is back home and I'm cooking dinner. My brother did agree to have someone here tonight and tomorrow night from 11pm to 7am so I can get a good nights rest. I bet you mom sleeps through the night tonight! Now that mom has been declining so rapidly I'm not against a NH, it is the finances. My sibs were ready to put mom in a nursing home back in July until they found out the cost. On the emotional level I know if mom goes into a NH she will be completely disoriented for awhile and I'm afraid she will try get out of bed and fall and seriously injure herself. When she has been in the hospital overnight in the past I have all but had to tie her down to get her to stay in bed. Logical or not, if mom hurt herself I would feel like I failed to protect her. This wouldn't be an issue if my brother would help me with mom, but we all know how that is. I will take my two nights of help and try refocus my energies until I can decide on a long term arrangement.

I've got to get mom fed and I will check in again later.

Love ya,
Diane

Diane, I think the problem in families goes way back to childhood. After having this experience, I'll bet you that I could go into any young family and point out the kid that will become the eventual caregiver. Also, most caregivers are women because, traditionally, women are seen as the "nuturers" based only on gender. Usually, men do not get opportunities when the are younger to practice these skills...they do not baby sit or have connections to caregiving. So it is not a surprise that they do not develop these skills as adults. No excuses here...they are still responsible for their parents. And if they are not the caregiver types, as in the case of your bro, then they should be pitching in, in other ways. To simply tell you to "come get Mom" because she is a bother to him, for such a short period of time, is inexcuseable. So what is the solution?
I am very forward looking when trying to figure these things out. Dwelling on past discretions does no good and is not productive. So I would take the reigns, if I were you.
Start by visiting the facilities in your area. There are many "hybrid" faclities that have more care than an ALF and are not as restrictive as a NH. If your Mom is mobile, she may do well in a small group home that has an emphasis on memory care. Then you can return to being the caring daughter who does other things for her...and, believe me, there is still a lot to do.
We all start out thinking that we can do it all and feel as though we have failed when we discover that it really takes a "village" to care for an elder. It was unrealisitic in the frist place to try and do it all...it just took us a while to figure that out. Congratulate yourself for getting this far, but be proactive. Do not sit around and wait for the sibs to dole out advice to you. How dare they? You are on the front lines and they are using that old ploy of "well, just put her in a NH" knowing full well that you would step in and take over.
Get all your ducks in a row, gather all the information you need, including financial, then sit the sibbys down and TELL them how its gonna be. You might shock the hell out of them.
Good luck and get a well deserved rest....Lilli

"If you are not the lead dog, the view is always the same." arf, arf...

Diane ~ I feel for you. When I started deteriorating physically and emotionally, everyone told me that I couldn't do it myself and that I needed respite. It's a nice thought, but who's going to help? I don't see any of them at my doorstep. I don't have any sibs. My husband's kids don't even call to find out how he's doing. For about seven years, they've been promising to take him fishing--hasn't happened yet, and now it's probably too late. I digress. This was supposed to be about you.

Unfortunately you can't force your brother to pitch in. Is he adverse to putting her in a NH? A thought: What do you think he'd do if you brought Mom to his house and flat out refused to accept her back into your home until you've recharged yourself?

One of the first things I did when getting my ducks in a row was to make an appointment with my lawyer and a financial person from her office who specializes in elder law. From some of the information I got about NHs, Medicare should pick up the cost after your mom meets the spenddown. One source that's been very helpful for me is the Department on Aging, who referred to my county. Unfortunately it doesn't work out as well for spouses. If I spenddown for Medicare to pay, I won't have much to live on myself. But that shouldn't be an issue for you; however it probably will affect inheritance.

As far as your mom falling trying to get out of bed, the bed rails should keep her from getting out of the bed, unless she's very spry and mobile. Even if she is, the NHs my husband's been in have bed alarms that alert staff. They have sensors that go off when someone has shifted enough weight when trying to get up.

When you are checking out the NHs, find out if it is especially for people with memory problems or has such a unit. I found this out the hard way. The first time Alan had to go to NH rehab, he was a flight risk in that he continued--as in every five minutes--to try to go out to the parking lot because "My wife is picking me up." Since NH's aren't allowed to use restraints and it wasn't a locked facility, I had to hire an agency to provide sitters to the tune of $25/hr. 24/7. It totalled $10,000 just for the short time he was in there, and it's not covered by insurance. This time, I chose a NH that was affiliated to the hospital he was in. They have a locked unit with staff geared to handle dementia, so no sitter is necessary. Hindsight is 20/20.

This disease not only strips the afflicted and their caregivers' physical and mental well-being, but usually also strips them financially.

I wish you luck and God's blessings.

Thanks for the good advice Lilli and Sheila. I have been looking around at some of the ALF and NH nearby. The one that seems most appropriate has progressive care units that she could transition to as she declines more. And yes, they do have a memoryn care unit. There is one more that I would like to check that is affiliated with a local hospital.

Mom is happy to be home. She has even been alert and reading some tonight. I text my brother a little while ago to tell him I forgot mom's pillows at his house. Would you believe he wasn't home? Why do I actually expect better from him? Oh well, chalk that up to experience.

Well crew I am still doing laundry while I "rest" so let me fluff and fold. Have a good night dear friends.

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of
them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that
they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and
these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need
warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

THE WISDOM OF THE AGES MAKES A LOT OF SENSE

ZEN TEACHINGS
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Gee, it's quiet here. It must be as gorgeous everywhere as it is here today. I am taking a break on the bridle trail at 11:45 to check here. Good advice from the very brilliant minds of newbie Sheila and the sage Lilliput. Sorry I do not have any practical advice, I just know when something must be done to survive, but I
only know what I must do for myself. We are all different, with unique details.
Just want to say good luck, Diane, and I'll be praying for God's grace to pave the way for an easier transition. I'm starting school this week and doing construction, so maybe check in later this week. Blessings Everyone. love, Christina xo

Diane - there's a term - "terminal agitation" - that I didn't learn about until a few days before my dad passed. I looked for every reason why his mental status seemed to deteriorate even more quickly than his physical status. We tried all kinds of meds to help what we thought was sundowning. Turns out it probably was terminal agitation and no amount of meds will help that. It does wear you out to the point that I now feel like I missed the chance to have some very important conversations with dad because I was so physically and mentally exhausted that all I could think about was sleep. If it is terminal agitation with your mom, hospice may be able to help by providing overnite nursing care so you can rest. They did that for dad but I still didn't really rest. Thinking of you ~ Kuli

Diane and anyone else here..just remember that whatever decisions you decide to make you will find understanding and support here among us. Decisions right or wrong, we all just do the best we know how and in the end hopefully everything will work out for the best. Chirp!

Thanks cricket. Yes whatever decisions we make, we always need to remember that we are doing the best we can, the best we know how. I still find myself questioning if I had done things differently, would dad still be here with me. The grief counselor I met with last week said I couldn't have stopped the dying process no matter what I had done. So the questions, the doubt, the uncertainty we have making decisions as caregivers during our loved ones lives, unfortunately do not end when they pass. While I know in my heart I did all I could for my dad with my focus on comfort above all, I still question every decision I made. I know I've not been posting but I do read all the posts here and keep all of you in my prayers. The relief everyone said I would feel with dad's passing has proved not to be relief as much as a hole in my life, a wish for a few more hours with him, a deep, deep grief that seems to only get worse as time has passed. Others tell me it's only been a few months so it's to be expected, but I had convinced myself I was ready for him to pass, prayed for him to pass in peace. The caregiving doesn't end when they pass, it only ends when you come to acceptance of their passing. I told the grief counselor that I wish I could see things from other's perspective right now - I can't even begin to tell you how many have told me they respect my courage, my ability to stay the course, my goal to keep his wishes in mind to make the right decisions. I only wish I could internalize those opinions right now. I can't tell you enough to cherish each moment you have right now with the one to which you provide care because you will always wish for more once they are gone. Love and hugs to all ~ Kuli

good evening you folks .
diane - do what ur heart tells you . dont listen to anyone but ur heart . i agree with cricket amen to that .
i have done the right thing havin dad here , he doesnt belong anywhere eles but here with his baby girl . ifhe was somewhere eles i be worried about him . like kuli said , she couldnt rest at home without her dad .
i would have someone come in ur home and stay how ever long u want them to stay and come back again tmr . till u get ur feet on the solid ground again , u know u can always ck mom out when ure thinkin of her and go back to bed and knowing she is ok . right or wrong like cricket said , do what ur heart tells u .

we re doing ok here , same old stuff .
rossella - no more bandit #2 , uh . sure can not have a dog that likes to kill cats , nananana . lucky my bandit #1 likes to sniff the hellout of my cat , well one time ge grab her tail and flung her around . beat his ass for doing that . he does it again but i d say ohhh bandit then he come arunnin and hugs me . i love that dog ! hes my boy ....
ur new dorthy looks so happy with you . big hugs to u rossella ! u gave her a home with open arms , i love u rossella .....

i ve been wanting to go to chattin line but havent went there for a long while , i cant sit at this puter too long , am always up and down and zoom or zleeping ,
mm like right now i need to throw laundry in the washer and fold the bed sheets thats in the dryer , guess i did laundry on new years day and now i have this bad luck that laundry just never ends here lol , christina ! take that spell off of me waaaaaaa . hee heee .
miss you all and i hope that who doesnt come here much anymore is havin a good evening and all is well with em all .
thought of deefer today and said a prayer for her .
love you all xoxoxox

Ahh, Kuli, wish I knew what to say. Since my husband died, everyone asks "are you doing alright?". What a stupid question, and I grit my teeth and say "fine". I don't tell people I can't sleep, I spent most of Christmas day splitting firewood, because I am so angry. I have a widowed aunt, who wrote and told me she still misses her husband. He died 20 years ago. I don't know why something that is inevitable, and impossible to change, is so hard to except?
Diane, please don't feel guilty. you have done the best you can. That is all any of us can do.

This is a day I spent to clean the house so it's quite uneventful...Dorothy is well and she seems happy.... My mother is as strong as a rock... Normal day in Normalville.
Good night everybody!

Kuli ~ "...but I had convinced myself I was ready for him to pass, prayed for him to pass in peace. "
Meanwhile ~ "I don't know why something that is inevitable, and impossible to change, is so hard to except? "

No matter how much we buck up for the inevitable, no matter how much we think we've prepared, we are never really ready when faced with the reality of nevermore. Final. It's just too much for us to wrap our heads around. Eventually I think we just get used to it. Used to the pain and emptiness. And, no matter how much we've done for the loved one, there's always something that we regret and desperately want a chance to make it right, and that chance will never come. All our lives, we've experienced time moving forward. Time stopping is an unimaginable shock.

.

Hi Y'all,

Kuli, thank you for the information about "terminal agitation". I don't think mom is in the final stages so I'm going to guess it is agitation caused by the dementia. She has an appointment with the Geriatric Psychiatrist on the 17th so I will discuss it with her.

Well the PCA was here lastnight and wouldn't you know it I couldn't rest because my back and legs hurt so bad! Murphy's Law! Oy vey! I have another one coming tonight and I'v taken an anti inflammatory and plan to sleep well tonight. It was definitely a relief to be "off duty" even if I didn't sleep. James and I went to church today. It was the first time he had driven since having his heart attack. It was a good mental booster for him.

Linda, my heart says keep mom at home as long as I possibly can and do like Lilli said "tell my family this is what I need". Would you believe tonight bro was out to dinner when I needed to get mom off the floor. She didn't fall but rather slid out her chair as I was trying to get her on her feet. Thank God the strong young guy next door was home and got mom off the floor in seconds.

Kuli, when my father died over 20 years ago he had not been ill long and really didn't require caregiving. However, I was the only one home when his tumor ate through his pulmonary artery and he drowned in his own blood. It took me over a year to stop blaming myself for not acting sooner, not knowing what to do, did I cause his death, etc. Emotionally some how I felt I caused his death. I know the situations are different, but I do understand the second guessing. Time and counseling will help you. Please stay with us and share your grief. It's a heavy burden to carry by yourself. We will each face this loss soon or have experienced it recently. We are more than pissanapplesauce! We love you and all the others that have lost their loved ones.

Well crew, let me see if I can get mom in her nightie before the pca for tonight shows up. The old girl is too curious to fall asleep before she meets the pca :) Have as good a night possible and I'll chat with you tomorrow.

Love ya,
Diane

My friend Winnie has ralayed some-I almost did not go to see her yeaterday because I thought her family might be there even thought they seem to have been too busy the last 15 yrs-but she was alone and actually talked to me some-I did not think she would be able to anymore so that was a nice surprise.

Kuli: so well said…your words are poetic and moved me deeply…so sorry for your sadness and sense of loss.

You wrote, “…I couldn't have stopped the dying process no matter what I had done.” Under all the stress of caregiving, I think we forget that. I just spoke with my friend last night who cared for his Gma for many years. He still lives with the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” doubts. She was 95 when she passed…I assured him that her life was extended due to his care, so when it was her “time” it was out of his hands.

You wrote, “The caregiving doesn't end when they pass, it only ends when you come to acceptance of their passing.” When you work with and live around someone in such intimate conditions, it takes a long time to fill that void. Others will grieve your father’s passing too, but not in the way a family caregiver will. The void comes from personal loss and from losing an honorable “job.” So, it is doubly hard to fill in that space.

Prayers, good wishes, and love to all who care for a loved one in any way we see best. It really is something only other caregivers can relate to.

195Austin: Good news about your friend. I hope family is still visiting her.

Hi all,

Dad fell before Christmas, was in the hospital, in ICU, out of ICU now in a short-term rehab place that also has long term care. He can't walk or take care of himself personally. I don't think he is coming home. I'm exhausted, can't sleep and cry all the time. But I'm crying for me. How selfish does THAT sound? Crazy.....we should have a better idea in two weeks. Have legal issues to deal with. My siblings know nothing of what is going on except what my mother tells them. I don't hear from either one, ever. In the mean time, I have to deal with all of her OCDs, hawking up flem, matching purses, hoarding bags, (she'll rip your arm off if you take a bag from the house!!), and now have scheduled another hip surgery for her next month. I can't do this anymore.....I'm just wiped.

Good Morning all!
I'm confined to the second floor today - my contractor and his crew are working on the first floor at long last. The kitchen is being reconfigured to allow easier access to the frig and the gas fireplace is being replaced and re-tiled. I do feel like a prisoner up here. lol

I'll have to keep this short as I pulled my back out Saturday and it really hurts to sit here. But I wanted to check in to see how everyone is doing.

Christina, you are so kind to everyone here. You touch my heart every day.
Diane, I'm so proud of you. It's hard to break out of our molds to take care of ourselves by reaching to others for help, especially when they don't give it freely. I haven't written much lately, but I've been reading so I know what you have been dealing with. It's wonderful that James was able to drive to church!

Welcome Sheila. Kuli, Cricket, cuz, SS, Liliput, Linda, Austin, and everyone I didn't mention - Hi and hugs to all of you.

I have to get off my back for a while - I'll try to check in later. Bee

Bee - hope ur back is better soon! Been there, done that! hang in there!

-SS

SelfishSiblings,

It's not selfish to cry for yourself, not at all. You've done so much and it's gone beyond what you can do. When we lose self care and self love to give ourselves self care then we need to listen to what our hearts are telling us (yes we should have a heart for ourselves) when we've done to much and crossed that line. Your first responsibility is to yourself and we were taught as children that it was selfish to think that way but we were taught wrong. When our mind and body are telling us to stop because we are not just tired but to tired, in pain physically and emotionally, just wiped, it is our very "soul" speaking to us. If we ignore it we are killing ourselves.

Being a Martyr helps no one. I see to many people Martyring themselves under the name tag of doing the right thing. That is a self deception that damages us on so many levels. It's the right thing to do to recognize our limitations and get help, it doesn't mean we've failed but just the opposite "we did all we could until we could do no more without harming ourselves" That is real Bravery.

Yes it was amazing that Winnie's family were not all crowded around her this week when she was able to ask them questions and was not ready to die-I would not put it past her to make believe she was out of it at times to hear what they are saying-my husband did-he wanted to punish me so he would not respond except once when he was getting liguid nutrition I said oh it's time for lunch and he woke up for a second. SS maybe your Mom is only telling them what she wants to-my Mom is pitting us against each other by some things that she says to one or the other of us 4-I found out what she thinks of me by what my sister told me Mom has said about me. You are doing all you can and more than most -your sibs do not care enough to ask you what they can do or even to thank you for all you are doing-I would use your parents money if you have access to it for their care as long as you write down what you use it for the sibs can't say anything-if they have no assests or you can not get to it call social service and tell them what you are up against-a good social worker will get in contact with all the adult children to make sure they are cared for-you know sooner or later they will be there looking for any money they think are due them. You have good friends here who care about you.

Re: Sense of guilt.
Who should have sense of guilt? Us, who sacrifice our life to our relatives who need us, even if sometimes we make mistakes or we give them 90% instead of 100% of attention and care, or our siblings who don't want to spend with them one whole day or one whole night? Really, I am sure when my mother will not be with me anymore I will feel the same sense of guilt thinking that I have done something wrong, that sometimes I have not been patient enough...
But this is not right.