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Good Day Friends, Carolyn, I am confined upstairs, but I can leave if I want to. I keep telling the drywall guy who is cutting through the stucco outside,"Remember the gas line", as if it were the Alamo. Very dusty, very noisy, but, we must do this work, as 3 slab leaks in 5 years is demoralizing and unhealthy if mold forms. I understand about parents and unhealthy relationships, about projected guilt and neglectful siblings. Every one does the best they can, or feels like doing at any given moment. When I have made that statement about my Mother--accepting that she did the best she knew how--I really do not believe it. I still believe that she knew better, but that she was self-concerned, nervous, and was mentally ill or had some other malady that made her a poor choice to be a Mother. I say that inspired by memories from my moment of awareness--which was very young--to the moment I became responsible for her. So many memories of her weird priorities, her neglect, or seemingly uncaring, unmotherly ways. Those of you who had nice childhoods, or loved your Mothers, who received love and/or were financially supported by your Fathers, have siblings who you have happy childhood memories of, etc.: Good for you. Some of you did not. Life within a family should be equitable on some level. One cannot undo a parents mistakes, or control their sibling's behavior with threats, or interfere with God's plan for someone's life. I have thought, if it were not for me, seeing to my Mother's care the last 3 years, and it was up to my sister, visiting her a few times a year in a care home, I doubt our Mother would be alive today. Realistically, would that be a BAD THING? Is she getting anything out of life? I try to "help" her get something out of life every day, but what the hell am I doing it for? If I act like my brother, Mother would be gone from a broken heart, if I act like my sister, she puts up a shallow front for as long as she can generate that behavior. I think she's past it. Reality is that each of us is/was the caregiver, we have our unique family dynamics that cause the situations we are dealing with. Guilt? I have NO GUILT, even about getting upset with my Mother when she was here. I have made up for it a million times. Move on. My life is MY LIFE. Her life is her life, and I am NOT going to live it FOR her. What is that all about? Meaning, I realized at some point last year that I was giving up my health, my freedom, my entire house transformed into "Christina's Care Home for the Queen Mother". Why? Because I am a more compassionate, generous person than my Mother was, than my sister or brother are? Or because I am a chump, I am still trying to EARN the love of my Mother? Some in my family have cruelly said that. I'll tell you this: when my Mother is gone, I doubt I will feel guilty. Will I miss the time I take out of each day to visit her, take her out for walks, see her enjoyment from eating a piece of See's candy, sing with her? I think perhaps I get more out of it than she does, but I DO IT for her, Not for me. My sister visits a couple of times a month for HER, so that when Mother passes, she can say,"I drove through windstorms once a month, half a year to see my poor Mother". Bull shit, pain in the ass. I value life from the spiritual instant of conception, to the spiritual instant of the soul leaving the body. If a person is alive, they are meant to be here, whether it is convenient or not. I also have learned to value my own life, the good family life I have worked so very hard to create for myself. I have given my Mother more consideration, more of my time, more concern for her medical and emotional needs in the last 3 years, than she ever gave me my entire life. No, I do not feel guilty. Unfortunately, I don't think my sister or brother feel guilty, either, or they would "do something", wouldn't they? Those of us with a HUGE conscious are going to think this way; the others don't.
You're right, Rosella, none of us have anything to feel guilty about. Intellectually I know that but emotionally I can't help these thoughts. I know I gave my dad excellent care, I know he appreciated all that I did for him, I know I gave him years he probably wouldn't have had without the care I provided, I know he trusted me and my decisions. I also know I lost patience with him, especially in his last few weeks out of sheer physical exhaustion, I know I missed the chance to experience the dying process from his point of view because I was looking for cures instead of accepting what was really happening, I feel like in those ways I let him down. Crazy, yes. But very real. Hospice had given me a book about dying when he was admitted in June. With all that was going on with my daughter's wedding later in June, I put the book away and still haven't found it. Denial? Probably. I know at least part of the reason I wanted to put it away was so dad wouldn't see it and think I had given up on him and was now planning for his death. Of course, sibs are back to their old lives. They don't still live in the place we grew up with dad, the place I cared for dad, the place dad died, the place my dad became not only my dad but my best friend. But this, as I'm told, is the process called grief and it hurts like hell! Thanks for all the kind thoughts and words. We really are one special group here on GO. Hugs ~ Kuli
I totally agree with Rossella. It seems like the way most of us were brought up to believe is to always look at "what is wrong" in every situation. Instead of doing this, how about we change our belief. When we were taught to think this way we were children and our whole belief system was based mostly on what our parent taught us and they in turn were taught from their parents and so on. We are no longer children but adults and as adults we have the right to believe what we want, what serves us. What prompted me personally to change this belief is that I concluded that if we are always looking for what is or was wrong in something, then we are going to limit our perceptions and only see the wrong. What this way of thinking does is it makes us critical and judgmental. It leaves us feeling defeated because along with this comes blame. It tares us down instead of helping us recognize we did the best we could. I say let us look at the big picture and an SEE what is RIGHT in the situation. Like, yes we made mistakes, maybe we weren't the best at communication or understanding, or maybe we bitched or grumbled but honestly we did the best we could. We need to pat ourselves on the back for what we DID do. By looking for and focusing on the "Right" we did we are comforted when our loved one isn't who they always were or if they have passed on. Instead of looking outside ourselves for understanding and praise we need to first show understanding and praise to ourselves. We really need to keep our focus on the belief that we look to what was or is Right with the way we do or have done things. It's not the details that matter most but the big picture. Everyone of us has our weakness and our strengths and it's great that we have this site because caregiving is like being on a giant seesaw and here we can sit on it with others and balance things out. Letting go of the past allows you to fully embrace life today and for anyone of us who has already lost a loved one if we are honest with ourselves we know the right and loving thing to do is to let go of any blame or anger and or guilt because by holding on to that we are stuck in that old wrong belief of seeing the wrong. Lets resolve to change the way we choose to see, and start looking at everything with the perspective of what is good, right, and true. We simple have to look inside our hearts and we know this.
Kuli, you keep talking about those feelings here, get it all out when you need to. Your feelings are your wound and it hurts deeply. Going through the pain of grieving is so hard and I admire you for your willingness to "feel" it because the only way to get through something is not by going around it but directly through it. I promise you that you will get to the other side of this deep grief and when you do you won't lose more of your father but you will hold him and the memories alive in your heart like a cocoon. Later it will give birth to empathy and understanding others who much go through grieving. God bless you Kuli.
This was a good day to listen to the self-doubt check and wisdom expressed by my new friends here. I, too, was brought up to keep a stiff upper lip. It's taken me a long time, but I know better now, although I still see myself falling prey to it every once in a while and chastise myself for sitting on the pity pot.
Christina, I had the same kind of early relationship with my mom. She wasn't mean, but her relationship with alcohol took precedence over me. Only with the help of a good counselor was I able to grieve for what I think of as my lost childhood and forgive, knowing she--they, Dad too--did the best they could. Life dealt a cruel blow in that, after all those years, my mom and I started to connect on a Christmas Eve, and a stroke took her away two weeks later before we could benefit from the newly forged relationship. Although it was a few decades ago, I still haven't made the last stage of grieving with the relationship that could have been. I've always struggled with acceptance when it comes to things I feel cheated of. I feel cheated of a childhood, cheated of my married-kids-white picket fence era, now my golden years, since my husband and I didn't get together until our late 50's, and his mind started it's downhill slide soon after. Whoa. Talk about pity pot. I'd better flush and get on with things. Just in time--the Comcast tech is here to fix the DVR.
Wow what a wonderful group of people you all are. Grief is something you need to feel and there is no time limit. No one can tell you how long, how much or how come. After my Mom died I did not cry, my siblings thought me heartless but I had been grieving for 15 years watching her go and the last six months her and I grieved together. The day of her funeral as the car was pulling up to the cemetary I finally broke down, not because of the pain of lossing her but of a very silly thing. I was never a good liar to my Mom, she always new when I was not being truthful and would call me out. During her stay at the nursing home, she was very concerned that I go to the cemetary and bring in the urns. Well with everything that was happening at the time I didn't do it, it wasn't that I forgot I choose not too. Who knew she was going to die that winter. So on a very cold January day, as the car I was in from the funeral home went to the gravesite, I made them stop, help me dig up the stupid urns through 12 inches of snow and remove them before I would allow them to bring the coffin to the site. Between the priest trying to calm me down, my brother laughing so hard he could hardly stand and the men from the funeral home thinking I lost my mind, it must have been a site. But at that moment my grief took me down the path that my mother would not 'see' that I lied to her.
I haven't been able to come on in the last few days but find such comfort in reading the strengths of others, it helps me not to feel so weak.
No guilt here either...Just different situation. ..too disgusted and praying for him to die now!
Think of it this way, where would they be if you were not here looking after them?
Everyone here is an angle on earth, even if it is "just doing the right thing" then they are "Just doing the right thing angels" surrounded by well meaning or can't be bothered twits....
My very concerned, and caring sister talked me into going to a grief support group tonight. She knows me better than anyone else. But, when everyone got to talking about the lovely funeral services they had for their deceased family member (some even had videos). I had to hide my face in a wad of tissues, trying not to burst out laughing. All I could think about was the party my husband threw (before he died), with the keg of beer, pizza, and barbeque goat. Not sure if they will let me come back to their grief group. One of the ladies finally said "my grief must be so raw right now". I think she thought I was crying. Really, I feel bad, I am so going to hell. Or the nut house.
Meanwhile2-Happens to the best of us! You had me laughing just reading your post! When I used to attend church especially when my Mom was living, we used to look at each other and almost pass out trying to hold the laughter inside! It is just an overwhelming urge that for some reason is uncontrollable! Personally, I think the party you guys had sounds awesome!! XXOO
Good night all! Checking in! Love you guys! Kimbo,Kimmy,Kimmie,Kim
Already in the nut house! Soon I suppose I will be on the highway to hell! It is 3:30 and Dad is finally asleep! Guess I will do the same now! zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
It's another beautiful day here in South Florida. I hope everyone can start off the day remembering to pat yourself on the back, I'm doing it right now :)
I have good company here. Thanks everyone. That grief group was just too depressing. I know we all have our downs, but we try to pull each other up. I found a couple of old army helmets in my husbands work shop. Indio is going to weld them to some pipe, and we are putting them on my husbands grave.
Tried one myself and found that those people just wanted to wallow not recover. How about someone starting a Grief recovery group that let's you laugh and encourages you to remember your loved one and lets you be you. Oops sounds just like this blog, way to go everyone!
The radio station was doing their redneck comedy. It was about a couple of good old boys, and their pa died. He happened to be in Dallas at the time, and ended up buried there. So they went to the cemetary, and dug up Pa, so they could bring him back to West Texas. Were just horrified to find out he had been buried in a suit and tie, and no boots. Figured the funeral director stole their Pa's boots. Anyway, they got him in some overalls, and boots, and buried out behind the barn. It was funnier on the radio, and I just about laughed myself silly. My husband threatened to haunt me if I buried him in a tie. He wanted to die at home, so I skipped the funeral home. Just called the sherriff, and he called the Justice of the Peace. They wanted to call the funeral home, and I refused. I had been taking care of him for months, why stop there? I dressed him in jeans, a western shirt, and put his boots on him too. Indio helped me get him in the coffin, wrapped in a blanket that looked like a confederate flag. We called friends, (one with a back hoe), and went to the cemetary. If you skip the embalming,( which just sounds like a terrible way to treat a body), you have to be in the ground within 24 hours. His friends were there, and people said their good byes. It was great to have that part over with. OK, now you guys all know what a redneck I am.
Meanwhile, love it go out the way you want. Recently my nephew passed away and his wife (my niece actually) told the funeral home that if he had a suit on she would not come. He was dressed in his highschool football jersey, wearing jeans, and his favorite hat. She even told them not to shave him as he always had a shadow.
For me I want absolutely no fuss, no funeral home, no services and a great big party afterwards for my friends as I love to host parties. I only hope my guy loves me as much as you did your husband to honor it.
Meanwhile, you might be a redneck if your patio furniture used to be your living room furniture... Or when you hear the phrase, ' just say No to Crack', it reminds you to hitch up your jeans. I love Jeff Foxworthy. Those are not quotes because I am ways laughing so hard I can't remember the lines. My newest favorite stand up comic is Sebastian Maniscalco. His routine is called, "What's Wrong With People?" yep, that's why I like him. I adore Kevin James, too. So hunky cute! Heehee I finally got a parking space at school. It is a very stressful part of the day, because everyone is needing a place so as not to be late for class. Must get to parking lot 1 hour before class begins or you are sol. Class is the easy and fun part. The parking dilemma is a piece of cake for me: l'm a caregiver. I can handle anything:) Hope my Anthro instructor remembers me. It's been 5 years, and I've been to Peru and Mexico ruins since then. I love it. I love You Guys!! Hugs, Christina xo
For real, Meanwhile2? Way to go! Literally. I thought there was a law that you had to do the embalming thing, and the casket had to go in a concrete vault.
I've told my kids that I don't want any money that's left to go for a big, expensive funeral home wake and cemetery burial. I want to be cremated, and I want the urn to go on my daughter's mantel, so I'm always there for family gatherings. And I don't want any sad wake or memorial service, rather a fun party. I just hope no one mistakes the urn for the cocktail shaker.
Meanwhile2, I love that you did that for your husband!! I told my husband that if I go before him that he is to have me cremated and to keep half of my ashes in and urn with him forever to haunt his new wife and the other half to take to the mountains and toss into the wind. No funeral for me either, I told him to just have a big party and everybody can get drunk and tell stories about me, hah!
Meanwhile, when my father retired, after a life in an office with jacket and tie, he started to wear only jeans, in summer and in winter. Jeans (pants), jeans shirts, jeans jackets. And as he had blue eyes, it fitted him very well. He made us promise we would bury him in jeans (well actually he wanted to be cremated because (his words). "It's cleaner and you leave more space to people still alive") and in fact when the moment came, he wore his jeans, a jeans shirt, and in his hands a book "Jonathan Livingston Seagull" which was one of his favorite books. It is one of my favorite too, but we liked different sides of it. He liked the part where Jonathan left the flock to practice extreme flight; i liked the second part where he had understood he had to help other gulls to learn how to fly. The message he got from that book is that you can do everything if you really want to. I got other messages from it, but this explains a little bit what my father was. And as he had loved reading so much in his life, anyway, we thought it was right he went away with a book.
Love it, hope everyone gets to go out the way they want. I guess the laws vary in different places. It was a good thing I checked into it before hand. The deputy and the Justice of the Peace didn't know. I hope I didn't offend anyone. How we deal with loss is different for every one. I actually hope that in 20 years I will still be missing my Sam. I don't want to forget him. Rossell, the book for your father was great. Indio put a hawk feather in the casket with Sam. And his daughter asked me to put a picture of her in the casket. I put in a little stuffed heart I had given him for Valentine's day one year. Christine I'm sure you will be the teacher's pet. Hope you enjoy your class, it sounds very exciting.
Morning, even though it's still dark. My poor house. I think I got the plumber from plumber hell. Oh no. Yesterday for the short time I was home, I watched them struggle to get the hot water working in each bathroom. The hot water would not shut off at the rainhead and there was no hot water at our bathroom sinks. Half inch of dust in some spots. You know what happens if water hits that, like when they say "turn on the water, check for LEAKS?" Slurry. Lovely. lalalalala, as my Lindaheart says...speaking of? Rossella, I say the same thing as your Father about leaving space for the living. I like to focus on the spiritual body, which lives on, and is not dense--as in physical matter-- and clumsy, as in physical matter. Oh, to Soar like Jonathan! I loved JLS, as well as 'Reluctant Messiah' by Bach. That dimension is essential for me to consider, as I have always felt reluctantly earthbound. Not that I don't want to be here, I just don't like feeling confined to this dimension. Haha! So many wonderful rocks in my class last night. Fossils and learning about all the geological provinces of California. Love it. So far, I answered most of the questions thrown out to the class. As a child, I was afraid to speak out in school. I was not comfortable and very insecure. Now, I am like a metamorphic rock. WhooHoo!! Today, I shall devote my afternoon to Mother. Take a good long walk in the fresh air, trim her hair, sing, hug, eat sliced pears and savor the time spent here on earth. Love you wonderful people, giving your best in all you do. YOU make a huge difference on the planet. You are valuable, you are Blessed. Christina xo
Good Morning! I hope everyone is well this morning and the "folks" are doing good. I to like Christine am taking a class with the difference being that my class is online so I can still do something for me while caring for Dad and I am only taking one class. It feels good to be doing something for me.
How is everyone doing? What are you all up to? What's going on with you and your loved ones?
Good Morning All...such a nice day here today...sunny, warmish, and no snow in sight (for now)...I thank the good Lord everyday, because winter weather just makes me cranky.
Christina and Cricket: good luck with your classes...let us know what you learn...always liked school and learning new things...now, go do your homework ;o)
MeanW and others: reading about your experiences with "final arrangements" and doing as your loved one requested was inspiring to me. That is the "natural" thing to do. All this overblown pomp and circumstance and expense is unnerving to me. It is just a show or competition for others to participate in. Unfortunately, that is a remnant of our parents' generation - my Mom wants the full regalia. All my mid-boomer family and friends feel differently. I hope it starts a trend. (btw, laughing at inappropriate times is my favorite human emotion.)
When an older friend passed away recently, he requested cremation and a party. The elder members of the family vetoed his childrens' desire to respect his wishes and they had the full funeral with an open casket (what is the purpose?...does anyone know?) and the graveside burial with a gaudy headstone and lots of flowers. Can you imagine what the money they spent on this spectacle could do for a family in need? I guess I am too practical or romantic. I like the idea of ashes being scattered to the 4 winds. As the song goes, "...take me where the wind blows..."
Rosella: congrats on the new doggie...a cutie. And you have a kind heart to take in a little critter that needs a home.
Primitive, man-made, guilt-ridden, fear-based RITUAL--is how I see it, Lilli. A little ego involved. Some people leave nothing else to prove they were here. Concrete is certainly lasting, as are the scars on the soul from unkind words and treatment.
HI everyone! Wow, things are really happening here. They finished my kitchen yesterday while I was at the specialist. The lens is working but the doc whats to try one more "adjustment" so I have to wait another 5 weeks. Oh well.
Our IH aide for Mom is quite a chatty Kathy! She just started last Wednesday but she has called me several times to report on how things are going with Mom. Well, Mom really doesn't want her there and tries to get her to leave.
We had to lie and say the insurance is paying for this care so she won't outright cancel it. I'm paying so she has no control over the payments.
Finally we have some solid evidence presented to her doc by the VN's and the Medical Social Worker. While he has refused to "diagnose" the SW did some cognitive testing and presented the results to him in a letter, cc to me. Wow, what a difference it has made in my ability to get help from the doctor's staff!
So even though Mom isn't liking all the medical people coming to check on her, I feel we are finally making some progress.
I'll try ti get caught up. I've missed you guys a lot lately and felt sort of lonely at times and really wanted to share what's been going on.
Christina and Cricket - have fun with your classes! I am envious. lol
Got to run for now. I'l try to check back later. Love and hugs. Bee
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
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Carolyn, I am confined upstairs, but I can leave if I want to. I keep telling the drywall guy who is cutting through the stucco outside,"Remember the gas line", as if it were the Alamo. Very dusty, very noisy, but, we must do this work, as 3 slab leaks in 5 years is demoralizing and unhealthy if mold forms.
I understand about parents and unhealthy relationships, about projected guilt and neglectful siblings. Every one does the best they can, or feels like doing at any given moment. When I have made that statement about my Mother--accepting that she did the best she knew how--I really do not believe it. I still believe that she knew better, but that she was self-concerned, nervous, and was mentally ill or had some other malady that made her a poor choice to be a Mother.
I say that inspired by memories from my moment of awareness--which was very young--to the moment I became responsible for her. So many memories of her weird priorities, her neglect, or seemingly uncaring, unmotherly ways.
Those of you who had nice childhoods, or loved your Mothers, who received love and/or were financially supported by your Fathers, have siblings who you have happy childhood memories of, etc.: Good for you. Some of you did not.
Life within a family should be equitable on some level. One cannot undo a parents mistakes, or control their sibling's behavior with threats, or interfere with God's plan for someone's life.
I have thought, if it were not for me, seeing to my Mother's care the last 3 years, and it was up to my sister, visiting her a few times a year in a care home, I doubt our Mother would be alive today. Realistically, would that be a BAD THING?
Is she getting anything out of life? I try to "help" her get something out of life every day, but what the hell am I doing it for? If I act like my brother, Mother would be gone from a broken heart, if I act like my sister, she puts up a shallow front for as long as she can generate that behavior. I think she's past it.
Reality is that each of us is/was the caregiver, we have our unique family dynamics that cause the situations we are dealing with.
Guilt? I have NO GUILT, even about getting upset with my Mother when she was here. I have made up for it a million times. Move on. My life is MY LIFE. Her life is her life, and I am NOT going to live it FOR her. What is that all about? Meaning, I realized at some point last year that I was giving up my health, my freedom, my entire house transformed into "Christina's Care Home for the Queen Mother". Why? Because I am a more compassionate, generous person than my Mother was, than my sister or brother are? Or because I am a chump, I am still trying to EARN the love of my Mother? Some in my family have cruelly said that.
I'll tell you this: when my Mother is gone, I doubt I will feel guilty. Will I miss the time I take out of each day to visit her, take her out for walks, see her enjoyment from eating a piece of See's candy, sing with her? I think perhaps I get more out of it than she does, but I DO IT for her, Not for me. My sister visits a couple of times a month for HER, so that when Mother passes, she can say,"I drove through windstorms once a month, half a year to see my poor Mother".
Bull shit, pain in the ass.
I value life from the spiritual instant of conception, to the spiritual instant of the soul leaving the body. If a person is alive, they are meant to be here, whether it is convenient or not. I also have learned to value my own life, the good family life I have worked so very hard to create for myself. I have given my Mother more consideration, more of my time, more concern for her medical and emotional needs in the last 3 years, than she ever gave me my entire life. No, I do not feel guilty.
Unfortunately, I don't think my sister or brother feel guilty, either, or they would "do something", wouldn't they? Those of us with a HUGE conscious are going to think this way; the others don't.
Kuli, you keep talking about those feelings here, get it all out when you need to. Your feelings are your wound and it hurts deeply. Going through the pain of grieving is so hard and I admire you for your willingness to "feel" it because the only way to get through something is not by going around it but directly through it. I promise you that you will get to the other side of this deep grief and when you do you won't lose more of your father but you will hold him and the memories alive in your heart like a cocoon. Later it will give birth to empathy and understanding others who much go through grieving. God bless you Kuli.
Christina, I had the same kind of early relationship with my mom. She wasn't mean, but her relationship with alcohol took precedence over me. Only with the help of a good counselor was I able to grieve for what I think of as my lost childhood and forgive, knowing she--they, Dad too--did the best they could. Life dealt a cruel blow in that, after all those years, my mom and I started to connect on a Christmas Eve, and a stroke took her away two weeks later before we could benefit from the newly forged relationship. Although it was a few decades ago, I still haven't made the last stage of grieving with the relationship that could have been. I've always struggled with acceptance when it comes to things I feel cheated of. I feel cheated of a childhood, cheated of my married-kids-white picket fence era, now my golden years, since my husband and I didn't get together until our late 50's, and his mind started it's downhill slide soon after. Whoa. Talk about pity pot. I'd better flush and get on with things. Just in time--the Comcast tech is here to fix the DVR.
I haven't been able to come on in the last few days but find such comfort in reading the strengths of others, it helps me not to feel so weak.
Think of it this way, where would they be if you were not here looking after them?
Everyone here is an angle on earth, even if it is "just doing the right thing" then they are "Just doing the right thing angels" surrounded by well meaning or can't be bothered twits....
Good, Safe, Sane week....
Good night all! Checking in! Love you guys! Kimbo,Kimmy,Kimmie,Kim
I'm absolutely sure I'm already there. I'll be waiting for you with open arms.
It's another beautiful day here in South Florida. I hope everyone can start off the day remembering to pat yourself on the back, I'm doing it right now :)
Love ya,
Cricket
For me I want absolutely no fuss, no funeral home, no services and a great big party afterwards for my friends as I love to host parties. I only hope my guy loves me as much as you did your husband to honor it.
I finally got a parking space at school. It is a very stressful part of the day, because everyone is needing a place so as not to be late for class. Must get to parking lot 1 hour before class begins or you are sol. Class is the easy and fun part. The parking dilemma is a piece of cake for me: l'm a caregiver. I can handle anything:) Hope my Anthro instructor remembers me. It's been 5 years, and I've been to Peru and Mexico ruins since then. I love it.
I love You Guys!! Hugs, Christina xo
I've told my kids that I don't want any money that's left to go for a big, expensive funeral home wake and cemetery burial. I want to be cremated, and I want the urn to go on my daughter's mantel, so I'm always there for family gatherings. And I don't want any sad wake or memorial service, rather a fun party. I just hope no one mistakes the urn for the cocktail shaker.
I hope I didn't offend anyone. How we deal with loss is different for every one. I actually hope that in 20 years I will still be missing my Sam. I don't want to forget him. Rossell, the book for your father was great. Indio put a hawk feather in the casket with Sam. And his daughter asked me to put a picture of her in the casket. I put in a little stuffed heart I had given him for Valentine's day one year.
Christine I'm sure you will be the teacher's pet. Hope you enjoy your class, it sounds very exciting.
xo
-SS
Rossella, I say the same thing as your Father about leaving space for the living. I like to focus on the spiritual body, which lives on, and is not dense--as in physical matter-- and clumsy, as in physical matter. Oh, to Soar like Jonathan! I loved JLS, as well as 'Reluctant Messiah' by Bach. That dimension is essential for me to consider, as I have always felt reluctantly earthbound. Not that I don't want to be here, I just don't like feeling confined to this dimension. Haha!
So many wonderful rocks in my class last night. Fossils and learning about all the geological provinces of California. Love it. So far, I answered most of the questions thrown out to the class. As a child, I was afraid to speak out in school. I was not comfortable and very insecure. Now, I am like a metamorphic rock. WhooHoo!!
Today, I shall devote my afternoon to Mother. Take a good long walk in the fresh air, trim her hair, sing, hug, eat sliced pears and savor the time spent here on earth. Love you wonderful people, giving your best in all you do. YOU make a huge difference on the planet. You are valuable, you are Blessed. Christina xo
How is everyone doing? What are you all up to? What's going on with you and your loved ones?
Cricket
Christina and Cricket: good luck with your classes...let us know what you learn...always liked school and learning new things...now, go do your homework ;o)
MeanW and others: reading about your experiences with "final arrangements" and doing as your loved one requested was inspiring to me. That is the "natural" thing to do. All this overblown pomp and circumstance and expense is unnerving to me. It is just a show or competition for others to participate in. Unfortunately, that is a remnant of our parents' generation - my Mom wants the full regalia. All my mid-boomer family and friends feel differently. I hope it starts a trend. (btw, laughing at inappropriate times is my favorite human emotion.)
When an older friend passed away recently, he requested cremation and a party. The elder members of the family vetoed his childrens' desire to respect his wishes and they had the full funeral with an open casket (what is the purpose?...does anyone know?) and the graveside burial with a gaudy headstone and lots of flowers. Can you imagine what the money they spent on this spectacle could do for a family in need? I guess I am too practical or romantic. I like the idea of ashes being scattered to the 4 winds. As the song goes, "...take me where the wind blows..."
Rosella: congrats on the new doggie...a cutie. And you have a kind heart to take in a little critter that needs a home.
They finished my kitchen yesterday while I was at the specialist. The lens is working but the doc whats to try one more "adjustment" so I have to wait another 5 weeks. Oh well.
Our IH aide for Mom is quite a chatty Kathy! She just started last Wednesday but she has called me several times to report on how things are going with Mom. Well, Mom really doesn't want her there and tries to get her to leave.
We had to lie and say the insurance is paying for this care so she won't outright cancel it. I'm paying so she has no control over the payments.
Finally we have some solid evidence presented to her doc by the VN's and the Medical Social Worker. While he has refused to "diagnose" the SW did some cognitive testing and presented the results to him in a letter, cc to me. Wow, what a difference it has made in my ability to get help from the doctor's staff!
So even though Mom isn't liking all the medical people coming to check on her, I feel we are finally making some progress.
I'll try ti get caught up. I've missed you guys a lot lately and felt sort of lonely at times and really wanted to share what's been going on.
Christina and Cricket - have fun with your classes! I am envious. lol
Got to run for now. I'l try to check back later. Love and hugs. Bee