Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Sometimes white water runs deep, too. Love you, Cricket.
Siempre del Corazon,
Christina co

cuz49341, I really needed that today, thank you sooooooooooooooo much. lol.

Hello to all the folks round the castle. I like hearing the stories of others. Everyone's story is so unique that we at times think we are the only ones experiencing what we do. Every story is different but yet we all share commonality that we serve others. Most of you are deeper into that than I have been. A lot of you have cared for a parent who may not have been the most loving or kind. Others are dealing with junk that I have never considered before.

For me, I think I imagined caring for my Mom would look the same as my Grandma living with us when I was growing up. My mother's mom lived with us as far back as I can recall. Grandma was to me the sweetest woman to draw breath on God's green earth. She was born in 1900, grew up poor, married an abusive alcoholic, and had 5 kids with him before divorcing him in 1942 after about 30 years of a hell on earth marriage.


Grandma lived with us because she was poor, not because she was frail or sick (that came much later). She read her bible every day. She was probably one of the reasons I was a fat kid (120lbs in fourth grade). She liked to keep us fed. I remember this woman as never being bitter. Her smile was as sweet as her apple pies.

Grandma owned a shanty on about 2 acres in the country. She rented it to her nephew for the grand sum of $5 per month. She would get a money order in the mail. When it came, she would hand it to me and tell me to go to the store/post office and buy her a book of stamps and I could have the change for pop and/or candy. As a ten year old in '74, I knew rent for $5 was really cheap. The first time I saw the place, I thought "Yep, $5 is about right."

The place had and still has to this day - no running water - and outdoor toilet - a pot belly stove for heat. I actually have a distant cousin still living there. The place is so tangled in heir ship that it will never be sold unless the taxes go unpaid.


Anyways, I thought the experience would be similar with having my Mom live with us. The problem is Mom ain’t grandma, I ain’t my Dad, and so on. Grandma was in decent health while I grew up. Mom has COPD and diabeties. One the things I failed to take into account when having Mom move in was how my wife would feel about all this. She seemed ok upon early discussions prior. I now realized that while I was being the great servant son to Mom, I had neglected to let my wife know she is first. I have been working on correcting that. At one point I was on my wife over to my brothers house to not ask but demand that he take Mom for awhile. My wife upon learning what I was doing asked why? I said to save our marriage, to give you a break, and to let you know you should come first. Her response” Don’t go to your brothers. I know you want to take care of your Mom. I just wanted to hear that I was important".


Hence, my thick skull finally got it. You assume that everyone knows and understands where you are coming from. Not always the case.


Christina, regarding what I said about my Mom’s estate last night, when I read that tonight I think it sounds pious and full of shit. Yes I am trusting God regarding these things but the real truth is. Not including her home. Mom may have about $30,000. We spoke with an attorney a few weeks back. He confirmed that giving her estate away would keep it from being used, AFTER FIVE YEARS. The problem with that is one she has to not need NH for five years, which is an unknown. The other thing is that all recipients would have to not spend it during that time. I think I could handle not spending it. Not sure I could say the same for my brothers (God love ‘em). So I figure while Mom is here I will use her $$ for HER needs. Whatever is left will be disposed of according to mom’s will and wishes. So when I say I am trusting God, I don’t wanna hide behind that so much as to just say that I am really feeling like “screw it! What ever happens, happens! “ That is really what I should have said because that is closer to the truth. I don’t want to stress over 30K. It ain’t like we are Rockefellers.


We journey forward and hope for the best. Peace to Cattails, Bobby, (woohoo) Christina, and Cricket.

Igore, My Father-in-law mutters and curses all the time. He has no reason for it either. One time I took him to church and this elderly gentleman says "Hello" and my father in law says "Son of a bitch". just like that. He wasn't calling the gentleman a name it just popped out. The gentleman was very understanding. He said that his wife who had passed last year had alzhiemers and she did the same thing all of the time. I don't think it is as uncommon as you would think. I happened to sit next to this same gentleman at church and it was all I could think about through the whole meeting.lol

I have heard of a mental illness where the person blurts out a profanity-it must be very hard taking him places.

Hi Crew: My dad, who can barely speak due to his stroke, can say the F work very clearly. He says it when he's frustrated when he wants to tell me something, but can't get the words to come together.

I have more to tell, but no time right now. Bobbie, thanks so much for telling us about the Boat Angel. Something else in your story was very helpful to me. Talk to you all later.

Love you all. Cattails

Hi Y'all,

I'm finding myself debating how much longer I can keep caring for mom. My mom and I agreed that as long as she wasn't a danger to herself and she wasn't bed ridden, she would remain at home. But quite honestly, I'm tired of cleaning poop and giving up my life to care for her. I feel I'm the caregiver of my mother's body, not my mother. I've been at this 4 years now and have dealt with all the meaness from my family. This is probably tiredness making me feel so down and trapped. I guess the trapped feeling is because I know financially a NH isn't an option, or at least without another sacrifice, our home.

Well enough of this pity party. I like hearing everyone's stories too. I miss our oldies but enjoy of newbies too. I hope everyone has a good night.

Love ya,
Diane

Hey Diane! I think you are amazing for doing what you have done for 4 years. I am glad to hear you make the statement. Your Mom is young and you are young. I think your perspective is healthy. You have my vote, for what it's worth. You know we support you in whatever you do, dear friend:) I think we all do the caregiver job for many reasons, we all pay our dues. Love you and congratulations on making a landmark decision.
I, too, miss our old friends, but each is on a path of growth and discovery. I am kind of digging cattails and Igore as our newest crew. WhooHoo! Haha!
And you know, Diane, there are "the lurkers." All kinds of them.
Keep us posted, girlfriend! You are a good daughter and a fantastic caregiver!
Love, Christina xo

PTSD from long term dementia care giving, God I had not even thought of that, but yes it is traumatic and just wears you out...I have that from abuse already, no wonder i am homicidal and scatty here, I sleep as much as I can!

Hope your mom is doing Ok Christina, notice bruising easy here too, you'll see one half healed and he won't know where it came from...

I use plumbers tape and cussing, didn't have locking grips...

Now he is in yelling at the lil girls on TV show We can here you fart pants, shut up already...Gah when does he die?!

Snowing here, ah Spring...

A lawyer boarded a flight in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked
a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and
promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
...
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them
thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ...... So she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think

Diane: I feel your pain. I'm just not saying that, I live it. It sounds like your mom doesn't qualify for medicaid. Do you live in her house or does she live in yours? Surely you would not sell your home to cover the cost of NH, so I am thinking you live with your mom. Hopefully, if that's the case, you know that if you have lived with her for 3 years in her home as a caretaker, the home would be exempt from medicaid recovery.

I know I'm a newby, but I really care and want to hear about what's happening in your life and the struggles with how to cope or place your mom. If you can, bring me and others up to speed.

I've been doing the care of parents for 6 1/2 years. I am so tired and my heart goes out to you. Love and Hugs, Cattails I may not be the oldies, but I am here for you heart and soul. Love, Cattails

Hi everyone: Well, I was working on a post and then lost it when I went back to check on something Bobbie had said. SHIT. Anyway, Bobbie, thanks so much for telling us about Boat Angel. I am so sorry that his cancer came back and spread just when you were at the point of thinking this might be really wonderful. You've had a month now to bring yourself back to the world of the living and I can understand your trepidation you feel about Boat Angel coming home in a weeks time. Your wisdom and need for a life tells you not to take on the care of this man and I'm behind you 100%. I think you will need to take this a day at a time, because you will probably welcome him and try to help for a while, not because you owe him, but because you will have a hard time saying he has to stay on his boat and not yours. You will find your way through this; please continue to share what is happening and let us support you regardless of your decisions.

I also wanted to tell you Bobbie that I appreciated a comment you made about taking care of someone who is not is their right mind in just insane. I'm not quoting, but I'm not going to scroll back for the perfect quote because that's how I lost my last comment. The thing that touched me about that is it brought to the forefront for me that even though I believed my mom's nastiness was due to her pain meds, it doesn't matter, she was still out of her mind. I think I have such a sadness about my inability to reach my mom because I thought it was due to her abuse of pain meds. So it seemed curable; stop the pain med overdose. And I did try to do that. I took the pain meds from her home and gave her daily what she was supposed to have, but it just pissed her off that I had taken that control away from her and so the battle continued.

My mom was not someone to be crossed. If you challenged her, she would put every once of her being into making you wrong. For her it was a crusade. I remember pulling weeds in their yard and I could hear her in the house talking to my dad and I could tell that the conversation was not a good one. My dad eventually came out to go for a walk. He said to me, "Don't go in there, your mom is in one of her F'ing moods. I know it was due to the issue of pain meds. She called everyone of my sibs and my Aunt to tell them what a bitch I was. My Aunt called me to ask what the heck was going on, so I told her: "Here's the problem, she is taking way too much pain medication. She needs refills 2 weeks before they can be refilled. She won't pay attention to the amount she is taking and my dad just keeps giving them to her." Oh, my aunt said, "Well, thanks for the info, I get it." During this time my mom would tell my dad that I just wanted their house and I wanted to put her in a NH. Nothing could have been further from the truth. For one thing, the house was mine already and I would not have put my mom in a NH, but my dad made the mistake of laughing at my mom's comment, because it was so absurd, but that just intensified her desire to get everyone back under her thumb. During this time I found it interesting that my mom was like 10 years younger. She was on the phone to everyone and just seemed to be enjoying the havoc that she could muster. It just gave her a purpose and revitalized her. I hired a caregiver to come to her house 3 days a week and give her a shower and do some lite housekeeping. Something to give us some space. On the the things I asked this person to do was put a crock pot dinner on so I wouldn't have to make their meal that night. I was looking for some space and a break in the things I had to do for them. A separation that we all needed. My mom and dad were not paying for this, my husband and I were, but the minute the care giver showed up, my mom decided that the caregiver would do what she wanted, thankfully, that included the bathing, but the rest was just have a TV companion watcher. It was still my job to cook meals and clean. So be it, it gave her some happiness to have some control and keep me in the role of dinner and cleaning. All in all it was fine with me, but again it was hard to be the slave/enemy.

Anyway, your comment about dealing with someone who is out of their mind just hit a chord with me. A comforting one. I always thought it was the pain meds, but even when that was under control she was so hateful, so maybe there was some dementia there, mixed in with her control issues. Regardless, she was not in her right mind and I thank you for reminding me of that. It's a huge help, Bobbie. Thanks so much. Love, Cattails.

Hey Crew: I took the dogs out a minute ago for a pee and whatever. What I love is the sound of the frogs on the pond. They are making lots of noise and it will get louder as Summer approaches. I love to open my bedroom window, well not mine anymore as my dad had that, but the upstairs window and here the sound of the frogs croaking. It's just the promise of Spring.

The Canadian Geese are back. We think that among them are the 2 sets of parents that raised babies on our pond last year and their offspring. We don't actually recognize them (LOL) because they all look amazingly similar, but we do know that they come back to nest in the same place and that they babies stay close to them for several years.

Another bird that we have on our pond are Wigeons. They are the most community oriented group of ducks I have ever seen. They never fuss over territory, not like geese, ducks, and other birds. They just love to be together. It's so funny to watch them as they are in big flocks, sometimes 200 at a time. So one Wigeon goes into the water and everybody follows, single file. By the time the leader comes out of the pond on the other side, there is still the congo line on the land behind. Eventually, they all come to the same place. We also have the Blue Heron that comes down to the pond to look for a meal. I was sad to see him pick a frog out of the pond the other day, but we do have lots of them and the herons need to eat too. So funny, years ago, I told my dad we have Blue Herons on the pond, he said, "What color are they", DUH.

We also have the elk come by to graze and eat our trees. That's ok. They were here first. The bull elk are humongous and they are here daily through the winter. In the summer the mom's and babies show up. We've had at least 60 at at time in the summer. Quite a sight. We also saw a bobcat the other day, drinking out of the pond. Not very usual to see them down here because our place is pretty wide open. Most likely to see them up the road where the trees are thicker.

Of course we see Coyotes sometimes. I think they are beautiful and am so grateful for all the wildlife we have here. Our two dogs have taken to nightly howlings in response to the coyotes. This will go on for a while I guess.

Love, Cattails.

When I read about the crap some of you have been through, I feel really fortunate to have it as good as I do. To care for someone that is intentionally mean to you the caregiver is a stress beyond what I could imagine.

For me my Mother is like a child. She wants attention and conversation. It is hard to provide that in the doses she would like at times. When I get in from work, Mom sees the car and knows I am home. My azz is dragon.. I hear the thump....thump...thump...(her coming upstairs with oxygen cord in tow). Creeeeek, the door, opens...she looks like she is surprised and asks "When did you get home?" At face value that seems like a reasonable question except I know she saw my car pull in. She knows I just planted my tail in the loveseat and yet she asks the obvious.

Sometimes I say "I have been here all day!" ..
"You have not!"..."I just saw you pull in"
"Oh, you did! Then you know about when I got home!"
Sometimes she will snarl "You are a horse's ASS! You know that".
"No, I didn't thanks for filling me in!"

I think she may have started to call me and "SOB" at times until she realized what me being and SOB implies. None of this really matters because every night before I go to work or bed (which ever the case is, ) I check on Mom, I take her blood sugar and give her the sliding scale shot. Then glaucoma drops. Before I go she is says come here and give me a hug. She kisses my check and I tell her good night. I know this will not always be the case. I will lose her eventually as I lost Dad my 27 years ago. (Thats another story)

Anyways I salute you my fellow care givers…what you do may seem to be a thankless task but yet you do it. Press on.

Love your posts, cattails and Igore. You are not newbies anymore. Nope, Bobbie says if you post more than once you're crew, so ahoy thar!
Cattails, I think our Moms were losing it long ago when they were not acting like Mothers. Igore, your Mom sounds precious. She just doesn't know what to do with herself. Haha. Anyway, we are all blessed to have you both here.
So, after I said my Mother is not responsive, all of a sudden she is perking up. Still blabbering amidst intelligible words. Today I asked her if there is anything she would like me to bring her and she said, "my brains." Poor thing. It was a gorgeous day here: we went for a long walk around the neighborhood, listened to Frank Sinatra while we ate fruit and she had chocolate. Tomorrow I'm going to bring a book and read to her, see if she likes that. I asked her yesterday if she could see at all anymore. She said no. Macular degeneration. God have mercy on us.
Jen, can't believe you're getting snow. It's a weird weather cycle. My SS in MO said they never got a freeze this year(!!) but last week tornado watch. Yikes. She lives by herself, 90th birthday next week, gets around house in wheelchair, but she can walk, just worn out, but her mind is perfect.
Well, it takes all kinds and we got them! Love and Hugs, Christina xo

Good Afternoon Crew! Cattails and Igore, I am really enjoying your comments as well. Diane, just do what is best for you and your Mother and everything will be just fine. We are here to support you whatever you decide. Jen...hang in there babe! Christina, I so admire you for always being here to cheer other on! I have lots to do so I must be going now. Love to you all!!!
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Was like four inches of snow this morning but it thankfully melted off the streets and paths by four.
He is in with the record player blaring again...I don't know but he is a Renaissance man of bad taste. Bad jokes, ugly suits, ugly face, the worst muzak versions of any song written...He is a magnet for bad taste...

Jen, you totally Crack me Up!!! Magnet of bad taste! Brilliant! WhooHoo!

The Arab and the Dutchman

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Dutchman was located who had a similar blood type. The Dutchman willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Dutchman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Dutchman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Dutchman was shocked that the Arab, this time, did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Ya, but I now have Dutch blood in my veins".

Well, it is officially spring in Alpine Texas. The buzzards are back.
I'm still just lurking around reading posts. Loved the blonde stewardess joke, Cuz. Taking Omaha to the Vet for surgery this weekend. He has to be there 9 am on Monday, and it is a 5 hour drive. So will go up on Saturday or Sunday and stay with friends that live an hour from the Vet. Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Meanwhile2, I hope everything goes well with Omaha and his surgery is successful. He is so lucky he found you to love and care for him! God bless you♥

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood..la la la Really, it's an awesome day here in Florida! I'm going to head down to the History Museum for an extra credit assignment for my class...it is going to be great fun!

Everyone enjoy your day and Jen get an IPOD! and dance through some of it ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶

Love you guys!
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hey Jen... I just thought of this... if it's a bad day you could do the new caregiver dance "the poop scoop shuffle" (I named that after Dad's episodes) LOL

hi there you all . read everybodys post and love every bit of em .
bobbie - ure the greatest .. love your heart felt story , ure meant to be an angel to another angel who is in needed ... love u girl ...

not havin a good time here lately . i think real soon i will take off and go on a roadtrip , cant handle too much stress here and cry too much , my family s tellin me its time for u to leave and get a break .
i still havent cleaned dad s room . i have went in there the other day i stood there and looked and couldnt touch anything . i walked out .....
bandit (dog) killed my neighbor s duck , he ran and ran while i hollared and beg him to come back , nope he went injured other 2 ducks , told my hubby to shoot that damn dog !! he refuse to do it , took him to pound yesterday and they wouldnt tak ehim , said he was adopted in other country that i would hav eto take him there , uhh didnt feel like drivin 45 miles so came back home and bandits like oh thank u jesus .. u can see that reilef on his face , was suppos eto take him to the pound this morning but it was stormin and rainin , not about to take him in out this weather and do it all alone . he shall stay til monday i guess .
the more i look at bandit the more i want to keep him . hubby is ready for him to leave , so im all torn up ,
i still miss pa and miss begin with him and miss takin care of him but i know he is much happeier up in heaven , pain free and not layin in bed suffering .
the day he was on deathbed , there was torandos out everywhere , here was dark clouds lookin like it was gonna hammer us bad , the day he took his last breath i walked outside bawlin and bam the black clouds moved and there was a circle hole and sun peekin down on me . hubby was almost home he said it was black sky and can see a sunny spot shinin on our home , he knew pa had passed , he said it says in the bible that the cloud will open up . i knew he had went thru the perfect way up and avoid the blackness around him ....
i remmy kuli said that at the graveyard it wasnt rainin but a sunshine . is it great !

i want you all to know that i am not leaving you all , i just wont be posting much cuz i am soon going to take a r oadtrip , pa s trailer needs cleaned out and get ready for a sale . so i shall help my bro do that , no need for him to do it all alone .... he has wife and family there but they all work . i told him i could do it .
it be just a matter of time , i love you all and just love ur parents is all i can say cuz one day it all be over and u will feel empty and somethings missing and its realy hard .
the black and blue arms , its normal , pa had tons of em and looks like he had the beating but no , its normal . blood vesel is bustin here and there . skin rips so easy , gental lovin care is what they need . diane , christina , hug ur mommy for me .
i miss my daddy , if i have him back i d do it over again . he is the best dad ever and he is a HERO ., fought world war two and raised 6 kids and worked everyday even when he is sick . drives 2 hrs each way to work and home . did it for many years . my dad is a HERO ...
i love u daddy ...... xoxox

Linda - Glad to hear from you. I, too, have done nothing with my dad's room. I open the door and just break down crying. Even his robe is still hanging on the hook where he last left it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever stop crying. I know I will but I miss my daddy too. We were very lucky we had good ones who made us proud and who we made proud. Love you ~ Kuli

We learned not to keep ANYTHING in a tube in the bathroom. She has brushed her teeth with anything from Polident to Vagisil cream! We caught her doing this when she came out of the bathroom with brown teeth.....no....its not what your thinking....it was my cover up she pulled out of my make-up case!!! She brushed her teeth with my make up!! Did I mention she has DENTURES?

Morning Crew,
Welcome, angela! omg. Poor Mom. Hide the superglue, please!

LindaHeart, You are blessed. Have a good trip. Best for you to get a good break and distraction. If you make it to California, guest room is waiting. Endless skinny margaritas--well, you can have regular ones, you're already skinny. I'll cook for you and we'll go to the beach, look at boats and get some sun. I'm hugging and kissing my Mom all the time. Yesterday I took 2 books and read to her out of both. "Why a Daughter Needs a Mom", and "The Lord is My Sheperd." She responded. Sister brought her a pound of See's candy the other day. Like I said, she perked up, and we are thankful for good days. Yes, your Daddy was a Hero, a good man, patriarch of a solid family, and that is a life worthy of hearing God say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Love you mucho, Linda. xo

Linda do what ever you need to do! You deserve a break and some peace!

Linda heart get away from home for a while-you are the hero and also your dad-my father never talked about WW2-I do not think many men did and we did not have TV's to know what was happening every min-we had to wait for letters. I hope you get rest and change of scenery and we will be glad to have you back when you are ready-we need your tender heart with us.

Family night dinner at moms assisted living facility last night and, for the first time in quite a while, mom was "on her game"! The activities director is a wonderful lady named Connie and she was greeting everyone with elegance and flair to "A Night on Broadway", complete with music associated with NYC, and a nice meal, and her characterization of "Dahling", and "so lovely to see you" to everyone she met. Well mother isn't fond of Connie when she uses the microphone to make her announcements but suffers in silence making faces now and then if a comment is "suppose" to be cute or funny. So Connie is welcoming us "Dahlings" to her "sophisticated party" and mom leans over and asks, "What'd she say?" And I told mom she said she's sophisticated. Mom said, "She wants to be asphyxiated? Good!" And I about died laughing! And she was really meaning it to be funny which is something we haven't had from her in ages! In all it was a good dinner, not so great musical entertainment but there's limits to a saxaphone and the person playing it, and mom was in unusually good humor.