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I love those moments!!! They seem rare the more this disease progresses but they remind us that they are IN THERE SOMEWHERE :) Good for you to be able to share that moment of laughter with her! God Bless
Thanks, Angela. It's been a long time since our mother cut loose like that. She'd become so self-absorbed or plain silent that we weren't sure if that part was gone for good. Last night's memory is precious and the story is being shared with all who will listen and appreciate.
Hi Crew: So here is part three of the trilogy. So my mom passed away on Dec. 18, 2008. It was her 81st birthday. My dad was relieved on some level because my moms care was so intensive and she had so many emotional issues as well as medical, but in a short time the relief vanished and he felt devastated by the loss of his companion. That grief continued for another year or more. He really was so missing her and relived every thing he had done wrong in their 60 plus years of marriage. He was especially ashamed of an affair he had been involved in when I was just 15 years old. It really devastated my mom. My dad moved out and left her with 4 children to care for. I've no doubt that he contributed to our expenses, but he was really an ass at the time and it was a long and rocky road until they reunited. They suffered bankruptcy and all in all it was a very bad time for all of us. So that is what my dad focused on after my mom passed and it was very painful for him. I would come over to check on him and he would ask me some questions about what I remembered about that time and then tell me some of what he remembered. He would cry and I would tell him that he had been forgiven long ago and that mom was counting the days to when they would be together again.
On the whole, in my dad's later years, he was a pretty easy guy to be around and it was easy to see that he cared about his children. That wasn't as easy to see when he was younger.
My dad had a stroke in 2002 and it affected his eyesight. He lost the left perifvial (sp) vision in both eyes. No more driving and no more working. My dad loved working and being useful so that was quite a blow to him.
Between his stroke issues and my mom's medical issues, we moved them to our new home location after we retired. We retied in June 2004 and had about a year before my parents got here. We built a small house (1100 sq. feet) next door to our place and moved them up.
One of the things that gave my dad a new lease on life here was when he saw my husband on the riding lawn mower. He was itching to get behind the wheel again and feel useful. So my husband said, "Have at it." My dad had a hard time with the riding mower, and would have eventually killed it, always riding the brake and not not really being able to adjust the the way it drove, so my dear sweet husband bought my dad his own riding mower. It drove like a car, with a gas peddle and break and it fit with him like a hand in a glove. Also, because my dad was subject to skin cancer and refused to wear a sun hat, my husband made sure my dad's new mower had a canopy over head. This was when we had a few extra dollars to spend which is not the case anymore. My dad was in hog heaven.
So there he was, out riding the range. Mowing to his hearts content. He not only mowed most of our place, but would then go next door and mow the neighbor's 5 acres. It cost us a shit load in gas, but he had a purpose and some independence, so all was good with the world.
Bear in mind that his vision wasn't the best, so there would always be sections that didn't get mowed, strips that remained. It kind of looked like a patchwork quilt, be we would go out and finish the job. Nothing pissed him off more than to hear the mower(s) start up and see Warren and I mowing. But he got to do the lions share and it was a help to us.
Many was the time that I was going somewhere and I would hear the mower start up and just think "Shit". We couldn't both be gone when my dad was on the mower. He would often get stuck and need help getting back on track. This was a constant in our lives.
One time my dad was mowing and all of sudden the sound of the engine stopped. A clue to us that dad was having a problem. My husband went out to see what was wrong. Evidently, my dad had failed to see a tree and the tree caught the canopy on the mower and ripped it off. Dad was still oblivious, the jolt of the canopy ripping off didn't get his attention, nor the sudden brightness around him and so he carried on, dragging the canopy behind him. Finally, he decided to back up, and the canopy went under the blades. End of mowing for that day.
My dad loved to take his walks. Our road is a small paved country lane. It is also a private road and a dead end, so safe enough for him to venture out several times each day. I don't think he ever walked less that 4 miles a day. All the neighbors liked him and would always stop to chat with him. He was the guy in the know. His hearing was terrible, but somehow he always heard what the neighbors said.
After my mom died, dad always came here every night for dinner and then we would play a few rounds of cribbage. He loved to win and went home happy.
So my dad had a major stroke July 1, 2011. It left him with speech and swallow problems. He is also incontinent and can't navigate with his walker with out physical assistance. He came home to live with us in early October.
He is not a difficult person, but he needs 24/7 care. I can't take a shower if my husband is not here to keep an eye on my dad. We have a monitor so we can watch him at all times if we are in other rooms. That is a must because he will try to get out of his chair at various times and is a huge risk for falling.
I love my dad, but I am so tired of the parent care issues. I retired 7 1/2 years ago, but have not had but a few months peace. Even before my folks moved here, we had to get their house built. It was ridiculous. My dad insisted on 2 bathrooms and absolutely had to have a garage. He hadn't had a garage in 30 some years. It really hurt us financially to give them all they "had to have".
The house has been sitting their vacant since July of last year. I know I should rent it out to bring in some much needed income, but it has been very painful to clear out their personal belongings. I have some few remaining clothes of my fathers to take out. Those are the hardest for me because they are clothes I bought him to go to Wales in 2009 to reunite with his family. It has special meaning to me and I remember him all dressed up with all the family fussing over him at a reunion. He was the star of the show.
So now I find myself so very tired. He's been under our roof for almost 6 months and my life is non-existent. I feel guilty because he's not a bad person, a difficult person or a hateful person. It's just that I would so love to be free and have a life of my own. It's been a very long 6 1/2 years of taking care of my parents.
When I think of Linda, who was such a devoted daughter and misses her dad every day so much, I wonder what is lacking in me. I will miss my dad, but I will miss looking out the kitchen window and seeing him walking down the street and talking to the neighbors. I will not miss him living like he is now.
Love and Hugs to all of you. Thanks for listening to me and being my friends.
Meanwhile: My best wishes to your precious rescue horse. I am keeping the best thoughts for a good surgical outcome. Safe travels to you and best wishes to Omaha. Poor little baby.
Hi Maureen,I've been on this thread for a while now. Hi everyone!!!! Haven't posted that much lately as I have been busy caring for BOTH my parents. Mom just had her second hip replaced and back at her apartment recovering. We moved them both out of their home that was falling apart around them in 2009 to be near us because Dad no longer bathed or did anything around the house and my mother drank around the clock. I have a sibling that lived 15 minutes from them but refused to help because she is so selfish. Anyway, maybe I am just a few steps behind you, Cattails. My mother was addicted to pain meds for a very, very long time too. The doctor just just prescribing them -- eating them like candy. And when she ran out and the drug store wouldn't refill because it wasn't time yet, she was an outrageous bit@h! She was like that other times too just because Dad was driving her crazy. He has dementia and is a mean crazy person. Some get happy when they get crazy; some get mean. She's had five surgeries since living near us. Dad has had such incredible nasty raging fits of dementia that one time, we had to call the police. Anyway, he fell four times just before this past Christmas and that did him in, and now in a NH, and miserable. I am in the process of the Medicaid spend down and compiling ALL the voluminous paper work with no help from my siblings. One wants their money and one just doesn't really give a shit. So Mom lives 4 minutes away but I have to do everything for her, groceries, meds, doc appts, church, hair and the list goes on. Plus, I have to listen to her about ALL the many regrets in her life. The whole rear mirror thing is exhausting. I tell her I can't be her therapist too. I'm at the end of my rope. It was hard to make the decision to put Dad in the NH but we didn't have a choice because Mom is so frail she can't care for him (incontinence, can't walk or transfer etc...) and I run a company and still raising teenagers. My own family truly has been devastated by their move here. We have not enjoyed our lives the way we would have wanted to either. And not having ANY support from the siblings just puts the cherry on the shit cupcake. Yet, I have no regrets, I'm just exhausted all the time....So I hear ya, girl. Hang in there.xoxo-SS
Cattails, your life is very self-less and supportive of your father and you are to be commended for your self-less acts of love and giving nature. Could you find someone to come stay with your dad for a weekend so you could get a break and go for a much-needed weekend adventure or rest? There should be someone from church, your neighborhood, or even a medical service that could offer this service now and then, without breaking the bank. Just an idea....
Selfish Siblings, all that you have described about your father since your mom's passing sounds much like my mothers' condition, only she hasn't had a stroke. Hers has just been brought on by age, dementia, hardening of the arteries, and general age-related conditions. Although here lately I've come to question if she hasn't had a small, maybe not as obvious, stroke since that's not uncommon with folks in here age/health group. The dr hasn't said NO but he hasn't ruled it out entirely either, so it remains a possibility.
Mom can't and won't wear her upper denture. She never adjusted to like with dentures very well, even before her decline. My son thought she had a bar of soap in her mouth as she'd flip the plate loose with her tongue and all but spit the thing out across the room! She didn't keep up with trips to the dentist for fittings, adjustments, or care for the teeth she had left, so now after all these years, she goes around with scraggly looking lower teeth (what few she has left) and no uppers at all. But she wears that upper plate in her bra, which has been a "biting" surprise to many nurses! Her latest is the inability to walk and/or refusal to even try. She claims it's her knees hurting all the time but reality revealed she's just that scared of falling. So she has a wheelchair to get to and from the dining hall of her assisted living resort, with the benefit of an aide to navigate the halls. She cannot manage that on her own.
As for sibling help, there's just me and my sister. Sis is the primary caregiver, assumed that role early on as she has no husband and no kids living at home to prevent her from just up and going whenever the situation called for it. And I'm very thankful she took on that role but it really put our relationship at risk for a number of years. However we've since talked openly, and often with tears of sadness and regret, and she understands now that as the youngest I wasn't "allowed" by mother to help out, the mom specifically said she didn't want or need my help since my sister was around, that my role would be to help my sister in later years. Well my sister didn't believe this at first, but mom spoke up one lucid day and commented how glad she was to have my sisters' care for her physical and financial needs, and that my sister should be proud to know she had a younger/stronger sister "in the wings" to pick up and help when moms health really declines. So sis finally "got the picture" of what I'd tried to explain early on, and since then she's consulted me about any number of "what do you think" times, and relies on me more now since moms health has really been declining in the last couple of years. We've come to a mutual and companionable agreement of each others' strengths and abilities, and very respectful of the limits and boundaries. So now everything isn't just on my sisters' shoulders to handle, and I'm no longer "waiting in the wings" for my turn to be part of the family again. I can's say I'm thrilled about handling all the details of moms daily care, health issues, mental lapses, days of depression, or whatever else Mom comes up with, (incontinence is a constant problem anymore) but we're in this together and our sister-relationship has never been this strong!
Maybe you've tried open-dialogue with your siblings concerning care for your dad. But you have to keep pushing them for their own good. Kind of like running your business: if you gave up when someone didn't do their part of the job, you wouldn't have a business anymore. Family is where it's at.
Cindretha, I have asked both my siblings for help several times and both said no. Like I said, one only wants the money (there is none that's the joke) and other won't commit because his wife might get mad at him. So for me, family is the furthest thing from "where it's at".
Mom is out taking him over the barber shop...I have opened every damn window in the house. Good fifty today so not like it is freezing. Vacuumed his room and emptied all the garbage, mom will be po'd when she sees that we have two garbage cans worth of garbage...SHE wanted to be cheap and go half the size we had before Yes, my fault again....
Cindretha: We are going to put my dad is respite care the end of this month. We are looking forward to having 3 days to ourselves. It's expensive, $575.00 for 3 days, but it could be much more expensive and we will do it because we need it so much. There is really no way to do it without breaking the bank. You can ask someone to volunteer a couple of hours, but a weekend is too much to ask. I don't ask my friends to sit my dad. For some reason I can't do it. He's so much work and strangers are just that to him. Plus volunteers are not dependable and that is a must for us to feel at peace. I have 2 brothers and a sister that live in California, 2 states away. My sister was going to be here for the holidays, didn't come. Then she swore she would be here for Spring break. She hasn't shown up yet and Spring break is over tomorrow. I could say something mean to her, but she has money issues and is an avoider when it comes to being honest and up front. It's her shame and I don't need to add to it. I use to always pay her flight costs, but after she insisted I pay for her adult children too, with the promise that she would pay me back, which she never did, I just decided to quit adding the financial costs of her assistance to my frustration with her. For her it was a vacation at my expense. Since my dad has been under our roof and in need of 24/7 care she has not been here.
I'm glad you have got your family issues together. Sometimes, actually often, one person gets stuck with the majority of caring issues and the others pick up tiny pits and pieces, if anything at all. Selfish sibs knows this and so do I.
Here's something funny. My brother, Robert, who can make a nickle scream, actually sent me $200.00 to help with respite costs for my dad. This happened a couple of weeks ago. He called tonight and asked my why dad continues to hang on. Why doesn't he just let go. I was telling my husband about this and he said, "Why is Robert so all of a sudden into your dad letting go." I said, "Well, it just cost him $200.00." Funny how some folks don't feel an urgency until they have to fork out a couple bucks. My parents were wise to pick me as the one who would be responsible for their medical needs. If they had picked another sib, I would not have ever moved them up here. But they wanted me and so when I moved out of state I felt like I had left them and felt a responsibility to give them the option to move here.
Take care and thanks for your kind thoughts. Cattails.
Hey crew: I really miss you guys on the weekend. I'm stuck in the house with nothing to do but watch my dad and you guys are having fun. Igore, where the heck are you my little monster buddy. Cricket, CHRISTINA, Bobbie. The weekends are the worst for me. We did get out for about 45 minutes today. Chopped up a bunch of produce to give to the composting worms, who are still thriviing...Yeah. And dug up the rest of the potatoes. We have a huge veg garden area. Will be planting lettuce, carrots, radishes, spinach, etc. soon. Still working on my dad's house to get it ready for rent. Going to try a vacation rental first and see how that goes. Would prefer it to a full time neighbor.
Anyway, thank's SS for your post and your hug. Sending love back to you. Cattails.
Selfish Sibs: I hear you on the rear view mirror stuff. I use to color my moms hair and then blow dry and curl. During this time she would always just start in about my dad. It was shit from so many years ago, but on she would go. Sometimes she would say, "Oh, I shouldn't be saying this to you, it's all in the past and I know you love your dad." And I would think, "Why don't you just shut the fuck up then." Jesus, let it go and stop with the constant going back. She was the first to admit how much he did for her as she became less able. I mean he really was 100 percent in taking care of her. But she could not let any wrong go. She could not forgive. I'm really not judging her, just saying how it affected me. It must have affected my dad a lot too, because he so mourned all his mistakes. I think he is afraid to die because he will be harshly judged. So sad for all concerned. Cattails.
Cattails - Because our (yours and mine) living arrangement are different with our folks, yours are under foot and mine is down the street, it's opposite for me. I spend hours each day during the week juggling my teenagers, my dad in the NH, (visits and laundry), my Mom, (doc appts, groceries, meds, bills, hair etc.), my OWN errands and so on . And I put in about 9 hours every day for my business including the weekends. So when the weekend comes, I try to stay away from them and regroup. So very unfair for my husband watching me so stressed out and not able to enjoy our own life together.
I had very strong hate for my siblings up until about 6 months ago. I still don't like them and will never forget how they abandoned me in caring for BOTH our parents, without as such as a phone call to check in with me or actually ask ME how I'm doing. They suck and get the St. Patty's day boil (it's a joke on this thread). I'm too tired to hate them now. Now I just don't think about them as much. I used to tear my hair out thinking why won't they come help me? Come for a weekend and give me a break? Even when I asked they didn't. And they haven't in the three years I've been running this circus. So I just accept my situation and take one day at a time.
Now, the mother thing and the rear view mirror. I have to tell her to stop talking ---or "call your other daughter who never comes to see you and tell her all this please because I don't care." And of course she doesn't shut up. Things from years ago and "you know, your father never liked my family...." or "why did he have to fall and screw everything up?" or "maybe we never should have moved here...." Or how about this one - "I should have married Daniel." Some guy who liked her when she was 18!!! She's f*in 84!!! Oh yeah, deep dark therapy needed here.....Some days I walk out and just say "goodbye, see you tomorrow". I have to or I'd go nuts, more nuts than I already am. We call it "would of, should of, could of." It's maddening.Try to get out and take a walk today. I find that can change your whole day.
Just a quick hello while I drink my coffee. Mom has had me up way before dawn and before that my back was too painful to sleep. I've spent my weekend running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I was hoping to go to church this morning, but think I will go into work. I have 13 buses leaving in the next three days and have so much to get ready for each tour. Feeling the usual frustrations of being a caregiver. The one bit of good news I received on Friday was that my bf won't need heart surgery, or at least not for the next three months. I may not post very often, but you all, new and old, are all on my mind daily. I hope Omaha will do well with his surgery and Sherry's baby is doing better with his eye. I bitch and complain about my situation but I know there are others of you that have so much more on your plate than hi. I commend you for juggling caregiving, husbands/wives and children. Luckily I don't have the children to contend with, but I have a supportive bf and only my ornery mother. SS, like you I've stopped wasting so much time on the sibs & nephew that wish to be critical but don't offer much if any help. When they do help I let them think their small contributions are the biggest gift in the world to support their egos. In the mean time I am going blind since I can't afford to have my eyes tested and new glasses and can't get the time to go to the doctor to take care of myself. All typical caregiver stuff the sibs would know nothing about since they have disposable incomes and I can barely make ends meet.
Well, coffee time is over. Let the races begin :)
Have a good friend my dear friends and fellow caregivers!
Cattails, I'm never to far away. It's good you're making those 3 days for respite for yourself! You go girl! Our weather has been so nice here that I've been spending more time outdoors. Usually the weekends I get a little break from Dad being clingy because he is totally absorbed in the sports on TV Yay!
It's really sad that so many people just get stuck in the past. It's hard to listen to it for sure. Can you imagine the look on our parents faces if we were to say "just shut the F up"? Priceless! Of course it would be kinder to leave out the F word, LOL
Diane, GF, there is nothing wrong with saying NO to your Mother so you can take care of yourself. Depression is anger turned inward and it is better to just express your feelings openly and honestly without guilt..now go get those eyes looked at! You deserve it! I know how it is because the anger zaps our energy and when we can get any break at all we are to exhausted to do for ourselves, so just know that it's okay be be angry and express it to let it work it's way out and on from you. You have so much on your plate dear Diane, Please give yourself a break. You need to girlfriend for your emotional and physical well being and especially if James is headed for surgery. My heart goes out to you.
I'm getting out of her for an hour right now and go get some breakfast with the Hubby. Love you all! *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Diane: I feel so bad for you. Since your sibs have disposable income, is it not in their power to help with costs? Maybe you have asked them, I'm not totally sure of the history, but your health and well being is a valid as any other. I hope you can find a way to make your needs known and get some family support. You are doing all the work for your sibs, taking care of your mom and leaving them free to have their lives. Can't they help make your life easier? You have certainly made their lives easier. Love and Hugs to you, Cattails.
Hi all, kind of breaking down here. I can't do this anymore. My mom rents and before we renew the lease for another year, I am going to suggest she move back to her home town to be near her friends since my siblings won't help me, I can no longer do this alone and at least she'll be near friends. I'll even help her move, set up Meals on Wheels and the shuttle service. etc... I just can't do this anymore. It's killing me, my marriage and my body. I'm a mess. I think the preparation of spending down to medicaid, all the paperwork, the lawyers, helping Mom through her fifth surgery in three years, all the driving, all the errands, her addictions, her constant complaining and constantly defending the other two siblings that don't help in anyway and haven't seen her in over a year, (one hasn't been here since Aug 2010), and Dad now in a NH, I'm cooked to a crisp. How can I make this happen?
Selfish Sibs! Yes, Caregiving will kill you at worst and at the very least make you sick and weak. That's the awful truth that everyone wants to sweep under the carpet and why your sibs won't help and why when we're deep in this there is usually no one at all to turn to. Outsiders, whether they are our 'family' or not instinctively know to steer clear of this mess so they don't get sick and weak too. Sound ridiculous? I actually believe it to be true based on what I experienced as a 24/7 caregiver.
How far away is your mom's home town? Is there any way to get her in an AL facility there?
If you can hold on for another few weeks this can be lifted off of your shoulders and you can go back to being a wife instead of a slop nurse.
Do remember this: There are no 'suggestions' for most elderly. Tell her that this is how it's going to be. Sounds cruel but it is not. It's cruel to us that someone half out of their minds and at the end of their lives dictate to us how we are going to live.
Those who have been on this thread for awhile know that I am an advocate for placement. There are RARE exceptions such as Linda and Kuli who cared for their dads, but they are the exception not the rule. If I had to do it all over again there is no way I would have quit the job I loved and left the city I loved to be a slave to Dementia. It aged me 20 years in 7 and it's visible. Boy is it visible. I look older and feel older than my years all due to someone else's sense of what is right and wrong and due to my mother screaming at me to get me to do her bidding instead of me continuing on with the life I worked so hard to build and including my mom, but on my terms, not hers.
There's a guy here at the boatyard who has a MIL that lives 3 hours away and he was yakking to me about how she fell and they spent the entire weekend in the ER and blah blah blah and how he was going to either move her into his home with wife, grandkids and deadbeat SIL or rent her a 'little efficiency apartment' blah blah blah and I lost my mind. I couldn't listen to it anymore and said something to the order of, "I don't understand why people don't get this. Your MIL is 89 years old and she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore. Next. You are running your ass off back and forth, think she can live alone and she falls, WOW big surprise and now you're talking about a little apt where she can fall some more and really run you ragged. Place her in a nice facility."
Of course I am the devil for having the very real grasp of this that most don't have. Eldercare, the part where you are wiping and feeding and hauling, is best left to professionals. There is no way that one person can do this. Period.
Here's the bottom line: They had their turn at life and now it's your turn. I laugh when I think of my folks having to take care of their parents. Haha that NEVER would have happened. There is no way on God's Green Earth that my mom or dad would have stopped their careers or day to day activities to wipe ass. Please.
As you can see, I am still somewhat pissed by the whole thing but it is that attitude that just might save the next lamb from the slaughter.
SS, pop her into a facility in her home town but don't be surprised when her 'friends' never show up. Or, is there an AL part in the place where your dad is?
Oh... and screw the sibs. Just make the decisions and when it's all over and the dust settles, I seriously doubt that anyone will gripe. If they do, give me their phone #s and I will straighten them out no kidding.
SS: I'm behind you all the way. You have done your best, but now it's time to find a better way; a way that gives you a life and reunites you with your husband and children and also restores your health.
Can you tell us what is wrong with your mom health wise. Does she qualify for Medicaid? How long have your parents been in your care and how far away is her home town? When is the lease up?
May I also suggest that you stop doing your dad's laundry at the nursing home. Let the facility do it.
SS: I went back and read your previous post, so I'm up to date. Your parents moved close to you in 2009. Your dad is in the NH with dementia. Your mom is recovering from a second hip replacement. You are in the process of the medicaid spend down. Does that mean you are paying the nursing home costs until their funds are exhausted?
It would be great if you could put your mom in AL and, honestly, I think it would be great if you could get her back to her home town. The distance would be good for you.
Why isn't your mom recovering from her hip surgery at the nursing home/rehab center?
Hi all, I can only talk for a minute. It's my day off, but I've got to keep track of father-in-law because mother-in-law needs to get her taxes done, I've also got my twin nephews for the next two days because they're visiting their dad for the week, but he has two jobs that have him busy during the day and for the night shift until wednesday. I really don't mind because it gives my son somone other than his sisters to play with. It's just keeping them busy while my kids are at school. Why can't every school have spring break at the same time? Anyway, love you all, gotta go.
Bobbie, you are precious and you are right. Thank you for all of this. Unfortunately, AL facilities around here are all private pay. And they have no money except for SS that comes in. Not enough. I just completed the process of the Medicaid spend down for my Dad since he is in the NH and those costs are $14k/month here. And no joking, it is lovely. So the funds are very low. But you are so right about they would never have stopped their lives for their parents. In fact, my Aunt took care of my grandparents for years while my mother went on living her socialite life. And yes, I've aged so much. I look like shit and I used to be cute.
And you're also right about no 'suggestions'. Just tell them how it's going to be. I'll work on it. Thanks again. You save one lamb today.
Cattails - my Mom did her rehab in the same facility as where my Dad is at. Then after 20 days, you go home. Dad qualifies for Medicaid. She doesn't as she's still independent, they call it "the community spouse". AL facilities around here are all private pay and they social security income wouldn't cover it. Her issues are all age related, not very ambulatory, doesn't drive, no real dementia issues just lives in the pass with "I should, I could of, I would have...." Complains all the f*ing time. Anyway, enough. I'm done. Can't handle it anymore. And yes, you have to pay the nursing home our of pocket to the tune of $14k/month until you are on Medicaid. They only had enough for one month and now are "medicaid pending" which means you don't have to pay until your paperwork is complete. Thanks for asking and caring.
You go girl Captain you are so right what did I get for 16 yrs plus of caregiving he would not even act like he knew me the last days. SS it is time to tell her how it will be it is no longer HER decision-do what needs to be done your siblings aren't in the picture so who cares what they think-do what you know you have to do she will have MOW and our folks get the same food we get at lunch at the senior center and I take half of mine home for another meal. You have done more and above-if she gets mad she will get over it-who else does she have the worthless sibs who are AWL. It is time to think of yourself.
Bobby!! You said the profound truth perfectly!! Thank you, seriously. I hope everyone here pays attention to what you said. I think the biggest problem we all have to face in caregiving is to know where to draw the line before we are Martyring ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't have parents who were those we could respect and look up to and it really makes a difference in caregiving. My FIL Charlie was a very honorable and respectful man and I took care of him until he died and the whole experience between caring for him and my own father is like night a day. It seems like the more selfish the parent the more they will run us into the ground if we let them. Because most of us are loving and caring people the selfish parent or whoever we are in charge of really capitalize on this. In the end what really matters is everyone's lives, everyone's happiness. If we feel like it's impossible to have a life of our own then we have begun to cross the line into Martyrism and I say this with empathy and much love. Also, if we feel like no one is looking out for us or our well being or happiness then we need to ask ourselves "Am I looking out for myself?" and if our thoughts answer this question with "I'm to tired to do anything for myself" then again we've crossed the line. We have to take the time to love and nourish ourselves because no one else will ever think of us as being deserving if we don't first think we deserve this and give it to ourselves. We are in the best position to give to ourselves what we need, we know ourselves better than anyone outside of us does.
SS You do what is right for all involved. Yourself included.
I'm off to take Lucky back to the Vet for another re-check. Love you all.
damn if u do and damn if you dont . i moved dad into my home , either nursing home or stay at my house . i have no pblm with dad , he is a sweet heart and a very kind man and always says thank you when i do things for him . it makes me feel worth while cuz i am able to spend every lasting moments with my sweet dad . i do not regret it at all , i would do it again if dad came back alive . we had fun going shopping and out riding around and did things till he could no longer walk , it all changed , it was sad but we still have a good time , and it made dad feel safe here with me and i felt worry free havin him here . while he was in rehab yes i worried and was with him at rehab more than i was begin at home . i couldnt wait to get him home with me . dad is my pride and joy i love that man with all my heart , he raise me well and treated me like i was his best friend . i return that favor cuz he did not want to be around old people and people he doesnt know and i didnt blame him ... open my wings and took him in ....... yes it aged me like it did to bobbie . i hurt all over every day . mostly is from workin in the factory for 10 yrs that ruined me and takin care of dad didnt do any better . till my dr fixed me right up and i was ok after that .
while i was readin who posted about how hateful thier elders were and no respect what so ever . was brought up and raise up with no love in thier heart what so ever , i shake my head thinkin i could not care for the parents who were mean to me while growing up . i would have taken them to nursing home and ck up on them every so often . thats a whole diffrent ball park with me . my parents are the kind of parents u want ! your parents are the kind i do not want .... there s no way i would let them make my life ugly again if it was ugly while growing up . no way i can do that ......
mother in law has alz realy bad , doesnt know her own home , there s no way in hell i can take care of her . her poopy toilet paper does not go in the toilet ! it goes behind something that ya never dream she put it there . i am still finding stuff she hid , i still cant find her pull up she put em somewhere , maybe i wont ever find it . again i will not take care of her and hubby knows it . his brother aw bless his heart , he is suffering and is lonely and is pretty much fked up . called me the other night waaa waaa waaaaaaaaa . i told him to call me a day ahead and i ll come sit with mom while he goes get grocries or go mow the grass , while he s mowing she wanders off or she s following him around . grocries store she wanders off . fights with him . keeps askin him do u know where my son is , he flips said i am ur son mom ! she says no ure not and all hell breaks lose . its ugly memories for him .... nightmare ! i told him its not going to get any better , its going to get worst ...... you have to decide whats best for you and whats best for ur parent , i do not regret takin pa in , i love that man so much and we always cared for eachother . i am his baby girl ....
bobbie ! i am glad u took care of ur mom cuz if u never did we would have never met !!!! u would have not started this post dear . there would be no boat .
dad always said things happens for a reason . well mm i think its boat time ! lalala i still havent cleaned pa s room . i go in there and stop and look and back out . then i got to thinkin what made me think i could clean out his trialer 1 thousand miles from here . mmmm ah i let the lord guide me to where ever path i shall take .
jsomebody , i dont think its diane s eyes i think shes talkin about crickets doggie s eyes . :-) unless im wrong and missed that post somewhere ? anyways i apprecatie you for gathering up so much garbages ! hell with limit trash , fk it , youre a sweet heart and knows whats best for you and ur family . i am worried about u jsomebody ! fear that u re gonna end up takin care of your mom and make ur life hell . please put her in nursing home and go enjoy ur fp s money and live a high life on bobbie s boat . drink alotta margaritta dear . u need to get away realy bad . when fp passes away i hope ur mom goes softer on you . love you jenny girl ....
guy came this morning to trim the front trees away from the power line . well hubbys gonna be piss off and see they have realy hacked it all off . those trees looks very pityful , those trees are my hubbys pride and joy . well not anymore today lol . he s gonna bark at me cuz i didnt go stand out there and supervise and tell em its enuff . 7 yrs ago those guys came and realy hacked the hell out of it , of course i got yelled at . well im getting ready to get yelled at in about couple hrs . ifhe does im leavin lol ... love you all and u guys please be happy .. xoxoxox
And I am right with you, Bobbie. If we go nuts and age too quickly from hands on caregiving, then time to review the word: CHOICE. There is always a choice. WE make the choice when we are responsible for them legally and morally after dementia takes over even a portion of their reasoning ability. Yes, we certainly remember when our parents were of sound mind and could push our buttons, but it is a new world now, and WE, the adult offspring, are in charge. There is no negotiating with them at this point. Nothing left over from the old days except the memories of who, what, how they were. I had good intentions when I brought my Mother into our home, and my husband was supportive--in fact, it was his idea--which I will kill him for at some other time. I am still in charge of her care, but only from an administrative position. I do not want any more control than I have. I try to visit her every other day. Some days I cringe that I have to go, other days I want to be there for her. I believe it is simply my emotions and thoughts involved, even though when she is alert, she seems to be happy to see me. I decided-- after I gained weight, could not sleep at night anymore for more then a couple hours at a time, developed problems with my feet, psoriasis patches, and my relationship with my sister was totally ruined-- to let my survival instinct override my sense of martyred duty. I know I can do almost anything better for anyone in my home than a stranger can or will in a care home. "Oh Well." Good, now I have tried it. We had a few months of semi-enjoyable bonding which never happened when it should have--like 60 years ago-- and that was because now I was the arbiter, so it was a nicey nice scenario. I am focused on my husband and myself now, and what I want to squeeze out of my life, because the hourglass is running out. Maybe the experience made me more serious about my own life. I am thankful that I have a stronger sense of what I will not put up with anymore, and I speak up with no holds barred. Sometimes it does not go over well, but I have made my unarguable point. I also know what I DO want, and I am working on that, as well. I am happy for Linda and Kuli who loved and admired their Dads, their heroes. God Bless them all. Some of us are not that fortunate, and we cannot create what was never there. Those of us with less than heroes for parents must take who we are and start from there, which is what I did. We are all different, our family dynamics are different. Our siblings are serving their purpose in our lives, too. In my situation, there was never any unity or core of family, so no cooperation. I think my sister tried to give me what help she could, but her inability to be upfront and instead use the opportunity to further put me down was a mistake on her part. However, if we ever resume our relationship, it will be on terms that must be open and honest, and I am not sure she can do that. Love you, Bobbie. Diane, I hope you make a choice for YOU. Cattails, cindretha, Selfish Siblings, Ditto. Please don't sacrifice yourself, your perfectly good kids and husbands. I am sorry for the difficulties you all have with these situations. Try not to spin your wheels too many times before you change it up. Peace. Love, Christina xo
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On the whole, in my dad's later years, he was a pretty easy guy to be around and it was easy to see that he cared about his children. That wasn't as easy to see when he was younger.
My dad had a stroke in 2002 and it affected his eyesight. He lost the left perifvial (sp) vision in both eyes. No more driving and no more working. My dad loved working and being useful so that was quite a blow to him.
Between his stroke issues and my mom's medical issues, we moved them to our new home location after we retired. We retied in June 2004 and had about a year before my parents got here. We built a small house (1100 sq. feet) next door to our place and moved them up.
One of the things that gave my dad a new lease on life here was when he saw my husband on the riding lawn mower. He was itching to get behind the wheel again and feel useful. So my husband said, "Have at it." My dad had a hard time with the riding mower, and would have eventually killed it, always riding the brake and not not really being able to adjust the the way it drove, so my dear sweet husband bought my dad his own riding mower. It drove like a car, with a gas peddle and break and it fit with him like a hand in a glove. Also, because my dad was subject to skin cancer and refused to wear a sun hat, my husband made sure my dad's new mower had a canopy over head. This was when we had a few extra dollars to spend which is not the case anymore. My dad was in hog heaven.
So there he was, out riding the range. Mowing to his hearts content. He not only mowed most of our place, but would then go next door and mow the neighbor's 5 acres. It cost us a shit load in gas, but he had a purpose and some independence, so all was good with the world.
Bear in mind that his vision wasn't the best, so there would always be sections that didn't get mowed, strips that remained. It kind of looked like a patchwork quilt, be we would go out and finish the job. Nothing pissed him off more than to hear the mower(s) start up and see Warren and I mowing. But he got to do the lions share and it was a help to us.
Many was the time that I was going somewhere and I would hear the mower start up and just think "Shit". We couldn't both be gone when my dad was on the mower. He would often get stuck and need help getting back on track. This was a constant in our lives.
One time my dad was mowing and all of sudden the sound of the engine stopped. A clue to us that dad was having a problem. My husband went out to see what was wrong. Evidently, my dad had failed to see a tree and the tree caught the canopy on the mower and ripped it off. Dad was still oblivious, the jolt of the canopy ripping off didn't get his attention, nor the sudden brightness around him and so he carried on, dragging the canopy behind him. Finally, he decided to back up, and the canopy went under the blades. End of mowing for that day.
My dad loved to take his walks. Our road is a small paved country lane. It is also a private road and a dead end, so safe enough for him to venture out several times each day. I don't think he ever walked less that 4 miles a day. All the neighbors liked him and would always stop to chat with him. He was the guy in the know. His hearing was terrible, but somehow he always heard what the neighbors said.
After my mom died, dad always came here every night for dinner and then we would play a few rounds of cribbage. He loved to win and went home happy.
So my dad had a major stroke July 1, 2011. It left him with speech and swallow problems. He is also incontinent and can't navigate with his walker with out physical assistance. He came home to live with us in early October.
He is not a difficult person, but he needs 24/7 care. I can't take a shower if my husband is not here to keep an eye on my dad. We have a monitor so we can watch him at all times if we are in other rooms. That is a must because he will try to get out of his chair at various times and is a huge risk for falling.
I love my dad, but I am so tired of the parent care issues. I retired 7 1/2 years ago, but have not had but a few months peace. Even before my folks moved here, we had to get their house built. It was ridiculous. My dad insisted on 2 bathrooms and absolutely had to have a garage. He hadn't had a garage in 30 some years. It really hurt us financially to give them all they "had to have".
The house has been sitting their vacant since July of last year. I know I should rent it out to bring in some much needed income, but it has been very painful to clear out their personal belongings. I have some few remaining clothes of my fathers to take out. Those are the hardest for me because they are clothes I bought him to go to Wales in 2009 to reunite with his family. It has special meaning to me and I remember him all dressed up with all the family fussing over him at a reunion. He was the star of the show.
So now I find myself so very tired. He's been under our roof for almost 6 months and my life is non-existent. I feel guilty because he's not a bad person, a difficult person or a hateful person. It's just that I would so love to be free and have a life of my own. It's been a very long 6 1/2 years of taking care of my parents.
When I think of Linda, who was such a devoted daughter and misses her dad every day so much, I wonder what is lacking in me. I will miss my dad, but I will miss looking out the kitchen window and seeing him walking down the street and talking to the neighbors. I will not miss him living like he is now.
Love and Hugs to all of you. Thanks for listening to me and being my friends.
Cattails.
Selfish Siblings, all that you have described about your father since your mom's passing sounds much like my mothers' condition, only she hasn't had a stroke. Hers has just been brought on by age, dementia, hardening of the arteries, and general age-related conditions. Although here lately I've come to question if she hasn't had a small, maybe not as obvious, stroke since that's not uncommon with folks in here age/health group. The dr hasn't said NO but he hasn't ruled it out entirely either, so it remains a possibility.
Mom can't and won't wear her upper denture. She never adjusted to like with dentures very well, even before her decline. My son thought she had a bar of soap in her mouth as she'd flip the plate loose with her tongue and all but spit the thing out across the room! She didn't keep up with trips to the dentist for fittings, adjustments, or care for the teeth she had left, so now after all these years, she goes around with scraggly looking lower teeth (what few she has left) and no uppers at all. But she wears that upper plate in her bra, which has been a "biting" surprise to many nurses! Her latest is the inability to walk and/or refusal to even try. She claims it's her knees hurting all the time but reality revealed she's just that scared of falling. So she has a wheelchair to get to and from the dining hall of her assisted living resort, with the benefit of an aide to navigate the halls. She cannot manage that on her own.
As for sibling help, there's just me and my sister. Sis is the primary caregiver, assumed that role early on as she has no husband and no kids living at home to prevent her from just up and going whenever the situation called for it. And I'm very thankful she took on that role but it really put our relationship at risk for a number of years. However we've since talked openly, and often with tears of sadness and regret, and she understands now that as the youngest I wasn't "allowed" by mother to help out, the mom specifically said she didn't want or need my help since my sister was around, that my role would be to help my sister in later years. Well my sister didn't believe this at first, but mom spoke up one lucid day and commented how glad she was to have my sisters' care for her physical and financial needs, and that my sister should be proud to know she had a younger/stronger sister "in the wings" to pick up and help when moms health really declines. So sis finally "got the picture" of what I'd tried to explain early on, and since then she's consulted me about any number of "what do you think" times, and relies on me more now since moms health has really been declining in the last couple of years. We've come to a mutual and companionable agreement of each others' strengths and abilities, and very respectful of the limits and boundaries. So now everything isn't just on my sisters' shoulders to handle, and I'm no longer "waiting in the wings" for my turn to be part of the family again. I can's say I'm thrilled about handling all the details of moms daily care, health issues, mental lapses, days of depression, or whatever else Mom comes up with, (incontinence is a constant problem anymore) but we're in this together and our sister-relationship has never been this strong!
Maybe you've tried open-dialogue with your siblings concerning care for your dad. But you have to keep pushing them for their own good. Kind of like running your business: if you gave up when someone didn't do their part of the job, you wouldn't have a business anymore. Family is where it's at.
Good weekend all!
I'm glad you have got your family issues together. Sometimes, actually often, one person gets stuck with the majority of caring issues and the others pick up tiny pits and pieces, if anything at all. Selfish sibs knows this and so do I.
Here's something funny. My brother, Robert, who can make a nickle scream, actually sent me $200.00 to help with respite costs for my dad. This happened a couple of weeks ago. He called tonight and asked my why dad continues to hang on. Why doesn't he just let go. I was telling my husband about this and he said, "Why is Robert so all of a sudden into your dad letting go." I said, "Well, it just cost him $200.00." Funny how some folks don't feel an urgency until they have to fork out a couple bucks. My parents were wise to pick me as the one who would be responsible for their medical needs. If they had picked another sib, I would not have ever moved them up here. But they wanted me and so when I moved out of state I felt like I had left them and felt a responsibility to give them the option to move here.
Take care and thanks for your kind thoughts. Cattails.
Anyway, thank's SS for your post and your hug. Sending love back to you. Cattails.
I had very strong hate for my siblings up until about 6 months ago. I still don't like them and will never forget how they abandoned me in caring for BOTH our parents, without as such as a phone call to check in with me or actually ask ME how I'm doing. They suck and get the St. Patty's day boil (it's a joke on this thread). I'm too tired to hate them now. Now I just don't think about them as much. I used to tear my hair out thinking why won't they come help me? Come for a weekend and give me a break? Even when I asked they didn't. And they haven't in the three years I've been running this circus. So I just accept my situation and take one day at a time.
Now, the mother thing and the rear view mirror. I have to tell her to stop talking ---or "call your other daughter who never comes to see you and tell her all this please because I don't care." And of course she doesn't shut up. Things from years ago and "you know, your father never liked my family...." or "why did he have to fall and screw everything up?" or "maybe we never should have moved here...." Or how about this one - "I should have married Daniel." Some guy who liked her when she was 18!!! She's f*in 84!!! Oh yeah, deep dark therapy needed here.....Some days I walk out and just say "goodbye, see you tomorrow". I have to or I'd go nuts, more nuts than I already am. We call it "would of, should of, could of." It's maddening.Try to get out and take a walk today. I find that can change your whole day.
xoxo
-Selfish Sibs.
Just a quick hello while I drink my coffee. Mom has had me up way before dawn and before that my back was too painful to sleep. I've spent my weekend running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I was hoping to go to church this morning, but think I will go into work. I have 13 buses leaving in the next three days and have so much to get ready for each tour. Feeling the usual frustrations of being a caregiver. The one bit of good news I received on Friday was that my bf won't need heart surgery, or at least not for the next three months. I may not post very often, but you all, new and old, are all on my mind daily. I hope Omaha will do well with his surgery and Sherry's baby is doing better with his eye. I bitch and complain about my situation but I know there are others of you that have so much more on your plate than hi. I commend you for juggling caregiving, husbands/wives and children. Luckily I don't have the children to contend with, but I have a supportive bf and only my ornery mother. SS, like you I've stopped wasting so much time on the sibs & nephew that wish to be critical but don't offer much if any help. When they do help I let them think their small contributions are the biggest gift in the world to support their egos. In the mean time I am going blind since I can't afford to have my eyes tested and new glasses and can't get the time to go to the doctor to take care of myself. All typical caregiver stuff the sibs would know nothing about since they have disposable incomes and I can barely make ends meet.
Well, coffee time is over. Let the races begin :)
Have a good friend my dear friends and fellow caregivers!
Love ya,
Diane
Cattails, I'm never to far away. It's good you're making those 3 days for respite for yourself! You go girl! Our weather has been so nice here that I've been spending more time outdoors. Usually the weekends I get a little break from Dad being clingy because he is totally absorbed in the sports on TV Yay!
It's really sad that so many people just get stuck in the past. It's hard to listen to it for sure. Can you imagine the look on our parents faces if we were to say "just shut the F up"? Priceless! Of course it would be kinder to leave out the F word, LOL
Diane, GF, there is nothing wrong with saying NO to your Mother so you can take care of yourself. Depression is anger turned inward and it is better to just express your feelings openly and honestly without guilt..now go get those eyes looked at! You deserve it! I know how it is because the anger zaps our energy and when we can get any break at all we are to exhausted to do for ourselves, so just know that it's okay be be angry and express it to let it work it's way out and on from you. You have so much on your plate dear Diane, Please give yourself a break. You need to girlfriend for your emotional and physical well being and especially if James is headed for surgery. My heart goes out to you.
I'm getting out of her for an hour right now and go get some breakfast with the Hubby. Love you all!
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
-SS
Selfish Sibs! Yes, Caregiving will kill you at worst and at the very least make you sick and weak. That's the awful truth that everyone wants to sweep under the carpet and why your sibs won't help and why when we're deep in this there is usually no one at all to turn to. Outsiders, whether they are our 'family' or not instinctively know to steer clear of this mess so they don't get sick and weak too.
Sound ridiculous? I actually believe it to be true based on what I experienced as a 24/7 caregiver.
How far away is your mom's home town?
Is there any way to get her in an AL facility there?
If you can hold on for another few weeks this can be lifted off of your shoulders and you can go back to being a wife instead of a slop nurse.
Do remember this: There are no 'suggestions' for most elderly. Tell her that this is how it's going to be. Sounds cruel but it is not. It's cruel to us that someone half out of their minds and at the end of their lives dictate to us how we are going to live.
Those who have been on this thread for awhile know that I am an advocate for placement. There are RARE exceptions such as Linda and Kuli who cared for their dads, but they are the exception not the rule.
If I had to do it all over again there is no way I would have quit the job I loved and left the city I loved to be a slave to Dementia.
It aged me 20 years in 7 and it's visible. Boy is it visible. I look older and feel older than my years all due to someone else's sense of what is right and wrong and due to my mother screaming at me to get me to do her bidding instead of me continuing on with the life I worked so hard to build and including my mom, but on my terms, not hers.
There's a guy here at the boatyard who has a MIL that lives 3 hours away and he was yakking to me about how she fell and they spent the entire weekend in the ER and blah blah blah and how he was going to either move her into his home with wife, grandkids and deadbeat SIL or rent her a 'little efficiency apartment' blah blah blah and I lost my mind. I couldn't listen to it anymore and said something to the order of, "I don't understand why people don't get this. Your MIL is 89 years old and she doesn't get to make these decisions anymore. Next. You are running your ass off back and forth, think she can live alone and she falls, WOW big surprise and now you're talking about a little apt where she can fall some more and really run you ragged. Place her in a nice facility."
Of course I am the devil for having the very real grasp of this that most don't have. Eldercare, the part where you are wiping and feeding and hauling, is best left to professionals. There is no way that one person can do this. Period.
Here's the bottom line: They had their turn at life and now it's your turn. I laugh when I think of my folks having to take care of their parents. Haha that NEVER would have happened. There is no way on God's Green Earth that my mom or dad would have stopped their careers or day to day activities to wipe ass. Please.
As you can see, I am still somewhat pissed by the whole thing but it is that attitude that just might save the next lamb from the slaughter.
SS, pop her into a facility in her home town but don't be surprised when her 'friends' never show up. Or, is there an AL part in the place where your dad is?
Oh... and screw the sibs. Just make the decisions and when it's all over and the dust settles, I seriously doubt that anyone will gripe. If they do, give me their phone #s and I will straighten them out no kidding.
BOAT!!!
Love all you guys more than you'll ever know.
lovbob
Can you tell us what is wrong with your mom health wise. Does she qualify for Medicaid? How long have your parents been in your care and how far away is her home town? When is the lease up?
May I also suggest that you stop doing your dad's laundry at the nursing home. Let the facility do it.
Lots of Hugs and Love to you, Cattails
It would be great if you could put your mom in AL and, honestly, I think it would be great if you could get her back to her home town. The distance would be good for you.
Why isn't your mom recovering from her hip surgery at the nursing home/rehab center?
Cattails
And you're also right about no 'suggestions'. Just tell them how it's going to be. I'll work on it. Thanks again. You save one lamb today.
xo
-SS
xo
-SS
Bobby!! You said the profound truth perfectly!! Thank you, seriously. I hope everyone here pays attention to what you said. I think the biggest problem we all have to face in caregiving is to know where to draw the line before we are Martyring ourselves. Unfortunately most of us don't have parents who were those we could respect and look up to and it really makes a difference in caregiving. My FIL Charlie was a very honorable and respectful man and I took care of him until he died and the whole experience between caring for him and my own father is like night a day. It seems like the more selfish the parent the more they will run us into the ground if we let them. Because most of us are loving and caring people the selfish parent or whoever we are in charge of really capitalize on this. In the end what really matters is everyone's lives, everyone's happiness. If we feel like it's impossible to have a life of our own then we have begun to cross the line into Martyrism and I say this with empathy and much love. Also, if we feel like no one is looking out for us or our well being or happiness then we need to ask ourselves "Am I looking out for myself?" and if our thoughts answer this question with "I'm to tired to do anything for myself" then again we've crossed the line. We have to take the time to love and nourish ourselves because no one else will ever think of us as being deserving if we don't first think we deserve this and give it to ourselves. We are in the best position to give to ourselves what we need, we know ourselves better than anyone outside of us does.
SS You do what is right for all involved. Yourself included.
I'm off to take Lucky back to the Vet for another re-check. Love you all.
Chirp Chirp Cricketღ
i moved dad into my home , either nursing home or stay at my house . i have no pblm with dad , he is a sweet heart and a very kind man and always says thank you when i do things for him . it makes me feel worth while cuz i am able to spend every lasting moments with my sweet dad . i do not regret it at all , i would do it again if dad came back alive . we had fun going shopping and out riding around and did things till he could no longer walk , it all changed , it was sad but we still have a good time , and it made dad feel safe here with me and i felt worry free havin him here . while he was in rehab yes i worried and was with him at rehab more than i was begin at home . i couldnt wait to get him home with me . dad is my pride and joy i love that man with all my heart , he raise me well and treated me like i was his best friend . i return that favor cuz he did not want to be around old people and people he doesnt know and i didnt blame him ... open my wings and took him in ....... yes it aged me like it did to bobbie . i hurt all over every day . mostly is from workin in the factory for 10 yrs that ruined me and takin care of dad didnt do any better . till my dr fixed me right up and i was ok after that .
while i was readin who posted about how hateful thier elders were and no respect what so ever . was brought up and raise up with no love in thier heart what so ever , i shake my head thinkin i could not care for the parents who were mean to me while growing up . i would have taken them to nursing home and ck up on them every so often . thats a whole diffrent ball park with me . my parents are the kind of parents u want ! your parents are the kind i do not want .... there s no way i would let them make my life ugly again if it was ugly while growing up . no way i can do that ......
mother in law has alz realy bad , doesnt know her own home , there s no way in hell i can take care of her . her poopy toilet paper does not go in the toilet ! it goes behind something that ya never dream she put it there . i am still finding stuff she hid , i still cant find her pull up she put em somewhere , maybe i wont ever find it .
again i will not take care of her and hubby knows it . his brother aw bless his heart , he is suffering and is lonely and is pretty much fked up . called me the other night waaa waaa waaaaaaaaa . i told him to call me a day ahead and i ll come sit with mom while he goes get grocries or go mow the grass , while he s mowing she wanders off or she s following him around . grocries store she wanders off . fights with him . keeps askin him do u know where my son is , he flips said i am ur son mom ! she says no ure not and all hell breaks lose . its ugly memories for him .... nightmare ! i told him its not going to get any better , its going to get worst ......
you have to decide whats best for you and whats best for ur parent , i do not regret takin pa in , i love that man so much and we always cared for eachother . i am his baby girl ....
bobbie ! i am glad u took care of ur mom cuz if u never did we would have never met !!!! u would have not started this post dear . there would be no boat .
dad always said things happens for a reason . well mm i think its boat time ! lalala
i still havent cleaned pa s room . i go in there and stop and look and back out . then i got to thinkin what made me think i could clean out his trialer 1 thousand miles from here . mmmm ah i let the lord guide me to where ever path i shall take .
jsomebody , i dont think its diane s eyes i think shes talkin about crickets doggie s eyes . :-) unless im wrong and missed that post somewhere ? anyways i apprecatie you for gathering up so much garbages ! hell with limit trash , fk it , youre a sweet heart and knows whats best for you and ur family .
i am worried about u jsomebody ! fear that u re gonna end up takin care of your mom and make ur life hell . please put her in nursing home and go enjoy ur fp s money and live a high life on bobbie s boat . drink alotta margaritta dear . u need to get away realy bad . when fp passes away i hope ur mom goes softer on you . love you jenny girl ....
guy came this morning to trim the front trees away from the power line . well hubbys gonna be piss off and see they have realy hacked it all off . those trees looks very pityful , those trees are my hubbys pride and joy . well not anymore today lol . he s gonna bark at me cuz i didnt go stand out there and supervise and tell em its enuff . 7 yrs ago those guys came and realy hacked the hell out of it , of course i got yelled at . well im getting ready to get yelled at in about couple hrs . ifhe does im leavin lol ...
love you all and u guys please be happy .. xoxoxox
Yes, we certainly remember when our parents were of sound mind and could push our buttons, but it is a new world now, and WE, the adult offspring, are in charge. There is no negotiating with them at this point. Nothing left over from the old days except the memories of who, what, how they were.
I had good intentions when I brought my Mother into our home, and my husband was supportive--in fact, it was his idea--which I will kill him for at some other time.
I am still in charge of her care, but only from an administrative position. I do not want any more control than I have. I try to visit her every other day. Some days I cringe that I have to go, other days I want to be there for her. I believe it is simply my emotions and thoughts involved, even though when she is alert, she seems to be happy to see me.
I decided-- after I gained weight, could not sleep at night anymore for more then a couple hours at a time, developed problems with my feet, psoriasis patches, and my relationship with my sister was totally ruined-- to let my survival instinct override my sense of martyred duty. I know I can do almost anything better for anyone in my home than a stranger can or will in a care home. "Oh Well."
Good, now I have tried it. We had a few months of semi-enjoyable bonding which never happened when it should have--like 60 years ago-- and that was because now I was the arbiter, so it was a nicey nice scenario.
I am focused on my husband and myself now, and what I want to squeeze out of my life, because the hourglass is running out.
Maybe the experience made me more serious about my own life. I am thankful that I have a stronger sense of what I will not put up with anymore, and I speak up with no holds barred. Sometimes it does not go over well, but I have made my unarguable point. I also know what I DO want, and I am working on that, as well.
I am happy for Linda and Kuli who loved and admired their Dads, their heroes. God Bless them all. Some of us are not that fortunate, and we cannot create what was never there. Those of us with less than heroes for parents must take who we are and start from there, which is what I did. We are all different, our family dynamics are different. Our siblings are serving their purpose in our lives, too. In my situation, there was never any unity or core of family, so no cooperation.
I think my sister tried to give me what help she could, but her inability to be upfront and instead use the opportunity to further put me down was a mistake on her part. However, if we ever resume our relationship, it will be on terms that must be open and honest, and I am not sure she can do that.
Love you, Bobbie. Diane, I hope you make a choice for YOU. Cattails, cindretha, Selfish Siblings, Ditto. Please don't sacrifice yourself, your perfectly good kids and husbands. I am sorry for the difficulties you all have with these situations. Try not to spin your wheels too many times before you change it up. Peace.
Love,
Christina xo