Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

My mother came her 4 weeks ago because I suspected she had a stroke. It's since been diagnosed as early onset dementia. She doesn't shower, wore the same pair of depends for 6 days (before I realized what was happening). Now I get to change her every day. She'll just stand in the shower not washing anything. I have to go in and wash her. She went two weeks without brushing her teeth...I had no idea what I was getting myself (and my family) into. She's 66!
I know this sounds horrible but I'm so upset with her husband and my brothers for not telling me how quickly she's declined, how much care she really needs. I have four little boys and she just follows me around, if I quit walking she bumps into me.
I know this is nothing compared to what most of you are going through, but I am overwhelmed. I feel like they just dropped her on my doorstep because they don't want to deal with it. Her husband didn't even call to find out her MRI/Neurologist results for over a week!

and, every time I go to Starbucks for us (a rare treat, because of our large family) she drinks her coffee and 'sips' mine, yet refuses to brush her teeth for 2 weeks "because I just did!". I can't believe I have to force this hygiene stuff on her...she's like a different person.

Good Morning Crew,

Good Morning Brooke. Welcome to the Grossed Out Thread. I am so sorry about your mom. I hope you can see and process that you are not going to be able to deal with this and with 4 little boys and will need to place your mom in a lovely board and care. She sounds like she is past 'assisted living'.
So many will tell you to buck up, or that 'you can do it'. Screw that. Start looking for alternatives.
Here on this site there are links to sites like 'A Place for Mom' and there are some wonderful facilities out there.
I have been through this and it is a progressive disease and only gets worse. If you and your family begin to plan now you could have her placed within a month to 6 weeks. If you try and deal with this while attempting to raise your sons they get to miss out on childhood and you get to miss out on sanity.

No one wants to say: put her in a home, but that is exactly where you might want to head. The key is caregiver to patient ratio. 3 to 1 is good because that means she will sit wet for a shorter period.
She is Demented so will argue, not wash herself, and show you a host of behaviors that you can't even imagine.
Your anger at her husband and your brothers is well founded. You might find out that her husband has symptoms of Dementia as well. Do they have any black toxic mold in their house? That was one of the things that got my folks.
So what's up with her getting dropped at your house? And ya, they did drop her with you because they didn't want to deal with it. Welcome to caregiving.

Brooke, all I can tell you is that I gave up my career to care for my demented mom, was her caregiver for almost 6 years and it almost killed me. No joke. She has been dead for almost two years and when people say to me, "But I know you'd do it again...' I just respond with:
What! Are you high?? I would NEVER do this again and I will spend the little energy I have to try and convince other people to not do it either. Like I said in an earlier post: If I can stop another innocent lamb from being led to the slaughter by their selfish families, I will try.
While you still have some energy start the placement process. Your mom is going to hate it and so what. It just is. Save yourself and save your family.

It's good to see DEEF!!! wassup stuff!

cattails, you are doing a great job on the thread and it is so good to see everybody and the new folks. This is a topic that some can't handle but boy oh boy when you finally see it in real time you know what we're griping about over here.

Jen!! Wish you could just come to the boat. I have an idea.... Why don't you just call Adult Protective Services on fart pants and get him out of the house? ugh. When will the world understand that it is not ok for demented people to run over everyone else.

MAXINE! good to see you girl. (that's Austin)

ok, I have boat stories but will tell them later. Have another doctor's appointment for the post traumatic stress I happened to pick up with caregiving.

Brooke! get her out of your house and live your life. No, I'm not the devil for suggesting such a thing but I am a serious advocate for caregivers and those about to be sucked into caregiving because of idiot siblings. Sorry if I insulted you or your siblings.

lovbob

Brooke-No one really knows what they are getting into until they do it. Because of your mom's age-she could be with you for 20 years or more. Although I think it is a good lesson for kids to see us taking care of our parents, yours are very young and she is already in a bad way. (My kids were older than yours and my mom was somewhat healthy-physically and mentally 8 years ago) Caregiving is very stressful and demanding. You have to think of yourself and your kids first. Your mom is only going to get worse. If you are even thinking of keeping her-you are going to need help and a lot of it! There are adult day cares she can go to so you can have your day with your kids or work or whatever. There are services that can stay at night if she is up a lot. You need your sleep for your kids! You have to get help in right away. Don't wait until you are about to crack. Family-well, we learn a lot about our families during this period in our lives. Sometimes they are a big disappointment. It is all so unfair and sad. I have to admit that I do agree with Bobbie-your mom is already so far gone and you have such a responsibility to your children...I don't know how you can do both and give everyone-including yourself-what you all need. What is our responsibility to our parents? To find them a safe place to live when they can't care for themselves any longer. To treat them with dignity and respect. It is not our obligation to give up everything for them. Brooke, enjoy your children and let them enjoy you. Find a place for your mom, visit when you can and know that you are keeping her safe and she is in the best place for all of you. The insanity of caregiving will be seen by those babies of yours-and may cause resentment in them at a very early age being that she is sooo needy already. It may not be what you want to do, but it may be what is best for all. I will say some prayers for you! Keep us posted on how things are going!
And to everyone one of us out there-make sure you have a plan for when you become a person who needs care! I have already made it very clear to my kids that I do not want them to keep me in their homes. I know they love me-but this is a tremendous hardship to place on someone. Mame

BettyB, what about camcording your fil and let the dr get to see the gross out part and maybe he would change is attitude. ; ) In addition, you can tell your hubby that he can take him out and it can be a son and dad time outs for dinner. That way, you would get a break from the gross out manners and a break away as a care-giver. After they go out to dinner, why not take yourself out to a dinner and enjoy the atomsphere. You deserve a break. ; )

Deefer, so your mom a streaker while eating, thats too funny but I know it had to be very embarrassing for you two and I would had done the same and got her dress n ran fast I can. Luckly, my mnl is in moderate stage and have no real gross problems with her denture just yet. She does fall a sleep in the chair for a nappy poo and she looks like she is catching flies. The snoring will wake her up and she will swear that the never takes a nap. As for the fart issues, let em rip! Just not in your face. I have to take a prescription to help relieve me when I get all bloated and I feel like I'm 9 months pg. I say, let em rip but at least in another room. Away from all jokes, It's a shame how they slowly lose the function of their mind and physical actions too. I just hope I will be able to handle all the physical, mental and psychological stuff that is needed to help mnl as the AD starts to progress. Enough of the depression stuff, it is already 84 degree here in GA. I hope everyone has a very nice and blessed day and smile for it takes more muscle to frown. : )

Thanks, lildeb. I did tell DH that from now on I will help in every aspect of transporting FIL to fancy restaurants -- it takes FIL 20 minutes to locomote a single block b/c all he does all day is sit and watch TV, despite multiple doctors' orders to get up and walk around -- but I also said that I will not be staying for the meal, and bon appetit. I did say that if it's a question of a celebration dinner of some kind, I will attend so as not to embarrass him or his father in front of other family members. DH asked me, "But wasn't it disgusting sometimes when you were caring for your mom?" I said, "Sure it was. Objectively, yes. But I had known my mother my entire life, and I loved my mom." I did not point out that I had spent maybe a couple of hours with FIL on maybe 15 different occasions over a period of 12 years before FIL suddenly showed up as a pernanent resident in the middle of my life. I did not add that I have my own father, 92, who lives 2,000 miles away. DH has a "daddy's girl" sister who is 60 years old and lives 90 minutes away and does nothing for FIL even though he still makes her car payment and pays her house taxes and sends her an allowance, recently "reduced" to about $750 in view of his own changing circumstances. (She works full time in a secure job; DH and I scratch it out as freelancers, and we rent.) On the rare occasions when she visits FIL, it's usually because there is something else going on around here that she wants to do (go to a basketball game, etc.), and while she is here, all she does is make work by demanding to be taken to particular restaurants, and demanding to be taken shopping at the mall or the outlet center on the way here and on the way back, usually with FIL's dwindling stash o' cash. (Sister-in-law refuses to drive, which means that DH drives 90 miles to her house and 90 miles back to pick up and return SIL's entitled butt -- his choice, since he says it's "easier" than watching SIL pitch an adult tantrum when she doesn't get her way.) Oh well, so much for family dynamics on a beautiful Monday morning!

Hi Bobbie: How wonderful to hear from you. Can't wait for the boat stories. I think about you often and hope the best.

Brooke: You got snookered!!! Left holding the bag, so to speak. Your mom's mental decline is far more than you anticipated so now you are seeing it for what it is.

Here's what you can do to help your mom. Make sure you mom gets proper medical attention from a doc who specializes in Alz. There are drugs that can be prescribed that, hopefully, will help with her symptoms. If you can determine if she has been exposed to black mold, as Bobbie suggested, that would be helpful info for docs.

While you are doing this, check out care facilities where your mom can live. Call your local area on aging, department of social services, etc. and see what guidance they can give you for placement and financial advise.

If you do these things and place your mom, you will have done far more than anyone else has done on her behalf. Be the clean up crew, not the live-in caretaker. The goal is to get her good medical care and a safe place to live.
She doesn't have to be in your home to be safe, in fact, she may be safer in a facility that has a memory unit.

The sad truth is that you can't be a mother to your children, a wife to your husband, sane, and a full time care giver to your mom. Something has to go, so pick one.

I'm truly sorry for your circumstances. Please stay in touch and let us know what's happening. We will do our best to help you each step of the way.

Hugs, Cattails.

Jen: He needs to go. What is your mom's position in all of this? How old is your mom? Is his income important to your families support? Don't mean to pry. Where's the black mold when you need it.?

Thanks to everyone! You have no idea how good it feels to vent. I talked to her husband this morning (who finally got back to me one week after her diagnosis) He told her it would be a long time before they would see each other and then got on the phone with me, letting me know I was to keep her until she was better.
My personal goal, from the beginning, is to keep her here until she can get an official diagnosis. We are getting a second opinion from a neurologist on Monday, will follow-up with the doctor that week as well. Then, I can take her official diagnosis, contact the agencies, and find out what is covered.

Pahahha mom told him it is an air purifier.."Mr. Drinks only Purified water" will love that..Yes, Leave it on! Beh, they are out, he has a foot appointment...I am so tired and upset I wish I could cry. gonna lay down and read.
yeah mom handles everything it is her responsibility I am just side weight I guess... I clean up incidentals and messes and try to keep her from having to do everything like I did, only with out a car for three years...I don't know...just muddling through here....I grouse therefore I am....

Brooke: Perfect.

Jen: Grouse all you want.

Hugs, Cattails.

i'm so glad to hear it's not just me..My mothers eating, and not washing her face without me telling her to..Sometimes I fell so bad for getting after but she is so slow about doing everything..

I am feeling tired and low and just down today. I'm hoping everything with school works out. It seems like with one thing or another school is looking like less and less of a good idea. I want to go to school so bad. I have the opportunity to go. I've got everything in order to go; the school schedule will even work with my schedule of watching FIL. We just need to be able to afford to live while I'm going to school. I don't know what I can do. I'm feeling negative and down and watch out because I'm also on the RAG big time. I need to find some way to bring in extra funds. Well, MIL is on about something again; and I'm in the mood for a good fight, so I've gotta go.
Don't worry, I'll try not to make her cry.

Angelhair: I'm sorry you are having a down day. Can you get some help with costs via a grant or student loan? Don't give up. Do you have a job outside of the house right now? If not, then it must be the cost of class that is holding you back? Are you sure that the school you are applying to is accredited and has a first rate certificate program to offer? If so, there should be student loans available.

Take time with your hubby to review everything and weigh the pros and cons. It never gets less expensive to go to school. How long do you have to go to be licensed?

Thinking of you and hoping for your present and future plans. Love, Cattails.

I meant how long do you have to go to school before you are licensed?

Took advantage of a 60 degree day and mom napping and took a walk in the woods with the dog... All the way back the song "Take the long way home" was going through my head!!! lol

Took Mom to a plant sale last weekend. It was at a plant research center, neat place. They have native plants, wildflowers and trees, lots of cacti. Mom was there all of 2 minutes, and did her "I'm so frail, have to sit down, act". There were lots of nice people there to fawn over her. So Sis and I just ignored her. I'm such a terrible daughter. Took, the young dog with us. She is a 70 pound boxer, German shepherd mix. She has the short nose like a boxer, and an extra long tongue. Anyway, the pup, managed to slurp anybody that got close to her, at least 30 unsuspecting strangers. I'm sure she would be happy to lick anybodies dentures for them. We had a nice, time, collected Mom when we were ready to go home. Mother enjoyed all the sympathy and attention she got.
Jen, would a pet of some sort help keep you company? I know not everyone is an animal person, but I mine sure help cheer me up.
I shouldn't complain about my Mom, she still takes care of herself (most of the time). It is scary though. If she gets the least little cold, or flu, I can't get her to change her clothes or take a shower. Shades of what is to come.
Angel, I sure hope you can go to school. You were so excited about it, hang in there.
Cattails, and everyone else, here's hoping you get lots of naps.

There needs to be a pissed off discussion. I'm not necessarily grossed out. Just irritated. Maybe disgusted. My 86 year old dad (balance off, almost completely deaf, dementia - some days nuttier than a fruitcake) decided to climb a ladder up about 10 feet, like a senile Tarzan with a saw, to trim a branch off a tree (because my mother wouldn't SHUT UP about the dang branch - even deaf Dad had heard enough to make him loonier). I thought he was a goner, but he made it down in one piece and even got that pesky branch. He's always doing stuff like that. About 6 months ago, he got on the roof to fix the evaporative cooler (I've seen him fall off a chair in slow motion, sideways and he's on the roof?). Of course, he can't remember what the hell he's doing once he's up there, so he got a good view of the neighborhood and didn't fix anything. Last summer, he had a tool plugged into an outlet on the other side of the pool, draping the extension cord OVER the water so that he could mangle..er...fix...something there. A few weeks ago, attempting to put chemicals in the pool, he mixed pool acid with chlorine, making a gas in the shed that had him coughing and puking in the grass. Holy crap. Never a dull moment. Its like a 3 ring circus, but no one is buying me popcorn and I'm definitely not having fun. I just don't know how long they can live in their own house, and I don't want them. I just never know what I'm going to find when I get there.

Judy, your parents sound like mine. My step dad is 79, but has COPD, diabetes, can barely see. He was on the roof last week hooking up their evaporative cooler. He still insists on driving, which is really scary.

Meanwhile2 - your mother sounds like mine! I was going to say this in my last comment (rant). My mother would have done exactly what yours did at the plant sale.... sit and suck up all the attention that she could attract. The only reason that my dad isn't driving, is because he totaled the car a year ago and we won't help him buy another. He's taking it pretty hard and he won't let the idea go, and even gets ugly when I need to drive him somewhere. I don't know how you get the keys from your step dad. We were lucky enough to have Dad smash the car in an accident where no one was hurt.

Meanwhile2, if you can get your stepdad's car key, file it down so it no longer works in the ignition. And if you can get under the hood, remove the distributor cap. One or both of those measures ought to keep him off the roads. Also, do you live in a state where he can be anonymously referred for a road test by the Department of Motor Vehicles?

I'm feeling much better today. I was very worried because we applied for assistance and I was told that even though I work 60 hours per week taking care of GGIL and FIL I wasn't getting paid. So I wasn't eligible for the assistance because I wasn't working while I was attending school. I was very frustrated. I was very upset and I have to say that I wasn't very nice. I told the eligibility person, "o.k., let me see if I understand this correctly; I'm trying to go to school so we can bring more money into the household so we don't have to go be on foodstamps and medicaid and whatever else there is, while I work my butte off caring for two individuals who can't afford to pay me, whom, if I wasn't here would be applying for medicaid so they could be sent to a nursing home because they cannot be left alone for even two minutes without endangering themselves and medicaid would be paying well over $8,000 per month. and I'm going to be penalized because I don't get paid for it?" The girl says "Well your case worker hasn't finished going through all of your information so we really can't say what is going to happen." I said "Well, what is this paper then that I got saying I wasn't eligible?" "Oh, that was sent automatically by the computer because of the information already scanned in, but there is one more document to be gone over." So I hung up worried and frustrated and in need of a hug. This morning, however, I looked online and found that I was approved for the assistance anyway so I was worrying for no reason. So I am a little more relieved. It will still be tight for a while, but it is only until March. We can eak by for that long.

O.k. this morning I was giving FIL his pills, which he was refusing to take, and he reaches out and pokes me in the breast!
I said "Don't touch those! Those are mine!"
He looks at me with this innocent look that says "They are?" and says "Oh?" questioningly like I don't know who my own body belongs to.
Anyway, he still wouldn't take his pills so I said "You take your pills or I'm going to tell my husband and your wife that you touched my boob." His eyes went wide and he took his pills with no problem at all. Of course I told his wife and my husband anyway; we had a good giggle about the whole thing, but at the time I was screaming in my head "AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! he touched my boob! My MIL said you just kind of get used to it, she used to work in a geriatrics ward in a nursing home about 14 years ago. I don't think I could ever get used to perverted old men no matter how far into dementia they are.
Anyway, Having a much better day and a much better outlook on the future. Love you all and thanks for listening,
Angela

I do have a Pug and regular dangerous type American cat. so I am all petted up here...Another day another lotto ticket shopping for groceries an obtuse cousin talking how annoying an up coming tip to the California coat is gonna be, shopping at outlet malls and laying on the beach....what is the matter with these people?...

Oh, the school is accredited and according to the BBB and the accredidation place they seem to be one of the top schools in it's field. They have a 95% employment rate after graduation. Which is amazing for Massage Therapy.
Anyway, it looks like I'm going to be able to do it so I'm excited and thrilled. Also I found that if I donate plasma I can bring in about $200 per month extra. My MIL was totally against it, saying I need that plasma, and I could get some disease, but I have donated before and the facilities now are so sterile and the precautions they take are incredible. My first time back was no big deal, but that first appointment was 3 and a half hours long because of all of the screening and physicals, and they test your blood to make sure you have no diseases or blood problems. I was surprised that she had a problem with it being that she's a nurse. There are so many medicines that can't be produced without plasma. I didn't say it, but I kept thinking "you'd be very grateful to plasma donation if you needed it." I mean, one of the major things plasma is used for is burn victims. If I was ever in a fire and was severely burned, how could I use this medicine in good conscience if I had a problem with how it was made? Am I willing to take it given from someone else when I myself am not willing to give of myself?. Besides, your body reproduces that plasma in no time if you eat right and drink plenty of fluids. Anyway, I guess she doesn't work with any of those medications so she probably wouldn't understand the need. I met a girl once who had severe three degree burns all over her body from a house fire. She had scars all over her body and was still in the process of skin grafting and such. How can we not be willing to help? There are lot's of other uses for plasma, but I only think about the burn victims because that's the only one I've been up close and personal to. Anyway, the first time I donated was about 8 years ago, and at that time I donated to get over my fear of needles. I was desparately afraid of needles and I donated for a whole year. I still don't like needles, but I don't freeze up in fear anymore like I used to. Although, I still can't look at the needle until after it is all said and done. lol This time, though the money is nice, I keep thinking of that little girl and how maybe my donation will help someone like her.

Anyway, I've gotta go.
Everyone have a great day today.

Anglehair: Congrats on getting your student loan. I am so happy and relieved for you. Ah, so FIL does understand blackmail. Play the boob card for all it it worth.

Everyone have a good day, Cattails.

Just want to say how grateful I am to have found this thread, where you kindly allowed me to vent about the comparatively trivial issue of my FIL's Disgusting Denture Tricks. I promise not to dwell on that, since I understand how very minor it is compared to what others here are going through. I can relate, having cared for my mom, who died last year. I'm sure that part of my issue with FIL is a level of resentment that he showed up here with all his needs and expectations only four months after she died, well before I'd even had time to begin recuperating from that long caregiving experience. Thanks, and good thoughts to you all.

Bless your heart BettyB. Vent all you want. I ended up with this group looking for something to do about my husbands breath, the last couple of weeks he was alive. I could deal with the adult diapers, the sponge baths, but nothing helped his breath. Someone on the group suggested scented candles. Which did as much as anything. I know that seems petty, but his breath was making me green around the gills. It was the one thing I had the most problem with. Crazy
Jenny what is a dangerous American Cat?
Glad to hear school is back on track, Angel. I used to work in the hospital blood bank. Plasma is used for lots of things. If someone looses too much blood, they usually end up getting plasma and blood transfused. It counteracts shock. Donating should be very safe. Needles are all disposables anymore. Nothing gets reused.
I wish I could steal Step Dad's keys. He has several sets, and 2 vehicles, and could still fix almost anything under the hood. He used to rebuild engines. He already hit a guard rail, but just did some damage to the car's fender. The police didn't even give him a ticket. I have to say, since he hit the guard rail he checks his blood sugar before getting behind the wheel. And, then there is my Mother who drives like the little old lady from Pasadena. Fortunately, she doesn't like to drive much anymore.

Hey Meanwhile: Good to hear more about your past, current life and parents. You are a very good person. Cattails.

Jen: Some folks just have more money to spend and have more options as a result. They have never taken care of anyone and don't realize that their complaints are other peoples dreams.