Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
Dtflex, You are in my prayers. I agree that you have to think about yourself and I know I am all new to this AD caregiving but, when you start or do suicidal thoughts, I have been their years ago when I was on dialysis. I prayed to man above and reached out to my friends for support and family members. Of course, your situation a bit different however, I do understand being stuck at the house 24/7 as if you are a prisoner in your own home. Yet, I am trying to find resources that hopefully we can afford and I'm not sure about if you can afford outside help either. Do you think the family would be selling the house in order to pay for the NH? Hopefully, your boss will understand and maybe you could afford an apartment. You can still visit your mom at the NH and you will be able to live your own life as well. Your health comes first.. Just thinking if I had went through my past suicidal thoughts then I wouldn't be a grandma twice.. Please try to think about yourself even though it easier said than done. You are in my prayers.
Lildeb and everyone that has reached out, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I do have good news to share finally. I met with my bosses and they are giving me another chance. We set some goals - I need to work at least 30 hours a week so I'm still considered full time for benefits, we will examine the work load of the team and maybe distribute more evenly and lastly I am to keep my doctor appointments and get set up with a counselor on a regular basis. This has been the first positive I've had since I came out the hospital. Your prayers must be working :)
I have to take mom to her doctor appointment in 30 minutes and it's getting cloudy like its going to pour again. I don't mind the rain, but trying to get mom in the car in the rain usually means only on of us manages to stay dry. Wet clothes in a cold doctors office just isn't fun.
I hope you all can have a pretty good day despite the challenges we face as caregivers. I'll keep you all in my prayers too. Thank you again for your prayers and support.
Diane, I have some thoughts that I would like to share with you. When listening to your comments it became apparent to me that what you are going through with your Mom is manageable for you and that your real struggle is the cruel siblings. Everything we all are going through is for a purpose to teach us life's lessons. Before commenting to you I prayed about what I would say and asked for help to use the right words to be of help to you. Here is what has come to my mind as a result. You are a very loving and sensitive person, you put your heart into caring for your Mother the best you can. You love your Mom and value the home you have made together. Therefore when your siblings say "those" comments to you. It rips your heart out. I get it, totally. When the sibs hurt you with their words, yes they wound you. They are lacking any kind of understanding or insight into you at all, we here all know you and know that all those comments made by them is not a bad reflection on you but rather it shows them for what idiots they are.
Now here's the lesson for you that will help you to change your whole perspective and turn your life completely around for the better...
We already established how much your sibs hurt you. Think about the total time it took them to fling their hurtful words to you.. it's probably added up to minutes, or hours, right? Now think about the amount of time you spend playing that broken record over and over in your head... each thought rips the wound open, causing you to feel the pain over and over until you get to the point of well "suicide", now ask yourself honestly is the way YOU are reacting to the sibs enabling you to escalate the damage or support you for who you really are? The lesson in this is that yes people hurt us deeply but the way we react to them can cause us more pain and do more damage than they ever could. All this damage totally destroys your energy and causes severe depression. This is not the way to go. So here is a possible solution for you.
Break the damn record! Write down on a piece of paper all the good things about yourself...like what a loving daughter you are, what a nice home you have and how you love to garden and care for it. You will find that when you make a new record with these "positive", reaffirming thoughts about yourself and the things you love that your energy will start to come back, your depression will start to fade and you will feel more in control of your life. You will have the energy to care for your home the way you would like, and enjoy it. Let go of the story of the siblings. In fact, Only speak to them when you absolutely need to, otherwise shut them out because they are toxic. Screw them. If they call you flat out tell them that if they want to help their Mother then they can come spend a day or two with her like you do everyday, hands on, or they don't need to call you further. Tell them to only call you when they are willing to help by doing the actual work or hiring someone to take their place. Keep POA, keep your Mother and utilize the LTC to the fullest. If the sibs make one hurtful comment or criticism of you hang up the phone! Refuse to accept any further abuse of you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and know that you were doing the best you could at the time with the understanding you had.
I was really happy to see you were pissed off, Yay! I did a happy dance! Anger is a step up from feeling helpless, it is part of your healing and you are on your way. Congrats on the job outcome, you deserve that. Blessings and prayers your way.
Angelhair, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I would like to comment to each and everyone of you but I need to tend to my house, it's a mess, LOL *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
Crickett and Diane-I am just wondering what you think of maybe printing a couple of these posts-like Diane-some of your posts showing how they make you feel etc and then Cricketts response and showing the sibs... I wouldn't want to start world war 3 but I wonder if the sibs even know how Diane feels or what/why it is doing what it is. Maybe they are too far gone or selfish I don't know...I just wonder if they really knew some of these things if it would open their eyes. Hell, just place them in front of a computer with this site for a while and let them see what everyone is saying and then they might realize how hard this is, what it takes, what a commitment and what sacrifices we all make putting our lives on hold, or our jobs in jeapordy... They just don't seem to have a clue and I know some people never will... this was just a thought. Mame
Hi Mame, I know your intentions are from your heart but with the statements made by Diane's Sibs, I personally think it would be more harmful for Diane than beneficial to the Sibs. My Vote is for Diane at all costs. The Sibs have already set themselves against her and wrongfully so. If they had an ounce of understanding they would never speak to her the way they have. It's time to put Diane and her needs first and help her get through this. Trying to communicate with them has only brought her more anguish. I can't speak for Diane but I can speak up for her, know what I mean, jelly bean? I really think that they will never understand unless they were willing to put themselves in D's shoes and it's obvious that they think that is below them. It's a real shame because they are missing out on a meaningful relationship with a wonderful sister, all so they can feel righteous about themselves and feed their egos...
Okay, read everyone's comments and would like to weigh in on Diane's dilemma. Diane, I am in the same position as you when it comes to my home. Mom signed the house over to me 2 1/2 years ago. I have lived here for 59 of my 61 years. My daughter and her husband live here. mom lives here. There is a law in this state that protects the family member that lives in the home with the person they are caring for. Still, I worry that if Mom goes to the NH, the house will be taken to pay for her care. I know your fear completely, and I also know that Mom would not do well away from home, even though she has not a clue most of the time. When she was at the NH for rehab, a full month, twice, I was there every day to feed her dinner and get her ready for bed. It was a good place, but like all of them, short staffed. Mom was constantly trying to get up on her own. It was only a matter of time before she fell and got hurt really bad. there were times I was visiting and saw no staff at all for 30 minutes at a time. Mom was too zoned out to feed herself and they had no one to sit and feed her, so we made sure someone was always there for lunch and dinner. Her meds were sometimes 2 hours late. If you know someone with PD, they need their meds on time or they turn to a catatonic mess! It takes hours to get them back. I agree with cricket in the fact that you are ready to fight back. You need your meds and regular counseling so you don't fall into that hole again. I do agree that I will also have to make a decision on Mom some day, but in the meantime I cope as best as I can. The constant fear of losing my home ever hanging over my head. Everyone's advice is as always more helpful than you will ever know and each of us will take what we need from each others words of wisdom. There is no wrong or right for any of us. This is definitely a personal choice we all have to make for ourselves. The experiences of all of us can only help! We are in this together and need to keep showing our support to each other no matter what OUR personal choices are. Angelhair, Sorry to hear your Fil is failing so fast. Dehydration is a huge factor in their surviving. Making him comfortable is all you can do now. Lildeb, keep searching! There are places to get help, it just takes time to hunt them down. Check with your local senior center. There is usually someone on staff that knows all the area elder services. Cattails, Sounds like you had a nice visit! Okay, sink full of dishes!
Cricket & Mame, thank you both. My sibs will never understand. I've tried to communicate over and over and all I get is that I'm a pain in the ass that can never be satisfied. Cricket, you made some very valid points about trying to change the recording with positive affirmations. I took mom to the doctor this afternoon and most of the appointment was spent discussing the situation. She was very kind and compassionate, but also to the point. I'm in a bad situation and don't have the funds to independently to provide the care I need for mom. I guess the reality is that my mother gave birth to three of us, but for whatever reason, I will be the one to make the sacrifices to provide for her care. I am really sad my hand is being forced and I will have to sell my house to provide the care my mother needs since I can't do it alone. I know this isn't a rational fear, but I fear ending up homeless and on the street. I feel like I'm losing the security of my home and disappointing my mother.
Well gang, I have to get dinner yet. My brother did stay with mom a few hours so I could get some rest and I passed out. So dinner got a very late start.
Have a good night and prayers and hugs to each of you with your own dilemmas.
Diane, you are amazing, don't think otherwise. You've been working and caring for your Mother. She might not understand now, but she would have been very proud of you. I pray some solution comes up besides selling your home, but if you have to start over, sometimes that's not all bad either. With everything you have been taking care of all this time, you can do anything. Angel, sorry about your FIL. I do know how hard it is to watch someone slowly fade away. Studies have shown, that in the end when people quit eating and drinking, that the body releases endorphins, putting the patient in an almost euphoric state. It is why sometimes terminal patients quit asking for their pain meds. I don't understand why people want to come see your FIL now, he isn't a shadow of himself anymore. I would tell people it is too late, and he isn't up to visitors. You and your MiL, and your husband and children have enough to take care of right now, besides dealing with visitors. You are all in my prayers.
The nh uses big cloth napkins as bibs. might help in keeping clothes less dirty. Since all of you have spoken of gross....i gag and gag when i see poop at the bottom of the toilet. don't know why and i can't seem to get past it. one time however, and i don't know how i did it, mom had a diarrhea accident all over the dentist bathroom floor. then she walked in it and down the hall on their white carpeting. She came into the waiting room where i was waiting for her. she didn't say a word. Then here comes the staff and they pointed to the mess. i got on my hands and knees and was scooping up and tossing what i had in the sink. eventually the staff gave me rubber gloves. didn't gag once. how i did it i will never know.
To keep poo off the walls etc go in the bathroom with your lo and prevent the spread of the poo before it occurs if you can.
Suzmarie, I can see why you might gag about poop everywhere. I have a weak stomach when someone up and before you know it I will be doing the same. I guess, I might have to put some vicks up my nose if my mnl starts doing the poo stuff. Right now she just sticks her hand in toliet and grabs the turd to show me she that she is not constitpated n then she will squish it with her fingers. Of course, its all between her long finger nail. Yuck! I keep telling her no, don't put your hand in the nasty toliet. However, she a pretty quick ole lady for 80.
I would had thought that someone from the dentist office would had tried to understand and help you somewhat. At least they offer some freaking gloves! You do have to admit that they do keep you on your toes sometimes. I hope you have a nice day.
Cricket, I am jumping up-n-down that you let them know how it is and in a great way. I love the part about, "break the damn record and remake a new one." That was awesome!!! love it, love it, love it.
Diane, I am so happy that your boss is working with you on your hours and to try and keep your job. I was not sure if your sibs were trying to sale the house to help pay for the NH for your mom or just trying to be hurtful. It seems from what I am reading it just plain hatefullness. You are the only one that really knows what you have done for years for your mom and still doing. I agree what Cricket said and eventually your depression will fade away after you quick listen to the toxic family members. Let their butt take on like Cricket mention, Hands on day to day caregiving beings they have all the answer yet not the real insight. You go girl!
Diane, at least you have a great excuse if they think you are a pain n the ass. You are the caregiver!!!!! They don't understand for they don't offer any help. Gosh that makes me so angry when family members judge other family members when they don't know the 'whole situation n what all is involved day-t0-day!:!!!!! I am screaming for you Diane. I am glad your brother at least step up to the plate for a few hours but it dosen't help your living situation and their is no way you are disappointing your mom for you can only do so much and you have donethat and some. Never think that for you are a great person to go out of your way to take care of your mom. I do hope someone has some advice for you on the living situation. You are in my prayers.
Deefer, I did have a person come out from Area Aging Agency and they are trying to get me some help. I don't need a lot of help just a few hours once a wk to get away to breathe for she only in the moderate AD stages. She does pretty good for herself and I think she just get so dependent on me that now she has become my shadow. I guess in later stages I will become her shadow keeping eye on her. ;]
Surprisingly the bro stayed overnight so I could get some more rest. I think he realizes some of the meds I am on right now are kicking my butt. I am supposed to be weaned off the most sickening of the pills this week. Ut was one given as a preventative so I didn't have seizures while my body was prossessing the overdose and then the withdrawl. I don't want to ever do this to myself again. Kathy, you and I must have been posting at the same time. Thank you and everyone else that has offered support and encouragement. I know your mom has LTC insurance too. It is this same life saving insurance that is keeping mom from qualifying for Medicaid. So if mom is put in a NH, she will be charged the full monthly fee. Her LTC insurance will only pay about 50% of that cost, the remainder would have to come from somewhere. Since the sibs aren't willing to invest that much per month, what is their next step,sell mom's only asset her home. When they sell the home, guess who has nowhere to go. It seems silly to most becuz everyone says ok, rent a place. Between working shorter hours and acquiring more debt while trying to care for mom my income doesn't go very far. Plus, I've put 9 years of hard work into making my home and yard comfortable for us and I don't see why I should be the only one making continuous sacrifices for my mom. I would do anything for my mom, but they are being plain unfair about this whole thing. Thanks again for the support and for listening to my complaining. I'm hoping letting it out will be better than poisening myself with the anger and resentment I feel towards my sibs. At least my brother is trying. He is also having some issues himself. I'm not sure what is going on, but I do know his wife is not living at home with him right now. Well my dear friends, I have things I need to get done today like set-up a new bank account so my brother can take over all of mom's accounts. Have as good a day possiblle and I will keep you all in my prayers.
Diane, I am so proud of you. You are keeping those emotions flowing instead of getting stuck in them. You've gone from feeling helpless to angry and now to disappointed, it all feels awful I know but moving threw all the emotional stages is how you cope and figure things out. Don't get stuck in the confusion, pray for faith and courage. Ask God (whoever he is to you) to help you find the right solutions. Anything can happen. If we can help you figure out any specifics please let us know, paint the real picture for us and you know we are here for you always willing to help in anyway we can. xoxo
LilDeb and Suzmarie, omg..the poop stories just keep coming! You girls had me in stitches this morning! Thanks for sharing, I think, LOL *´¨) ¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
I really appreciate your comments and insights. It is so helpful to all of us when we speak up and share our thoughts and experiences with each other and your words to and about Diane has so much strength and empathy in them, they go a long way.
I too have experienced the feelings of dread that follow the constant fear of something and I know how it can control your every waking moment. The thing that helped me overcome this constant state of dread cause by fear was again, my thinking. I had to change my thoughts to change my feelings and that was really hard because the fear was very real, very legitimate. I know both you, Diane, and many of us are dealing with this type of fear and It can totally take away your energy and cut deep into the soul.
Every time I would catch myself thinking about "my fear thoughts" I would force myself to think about something that made me feel good inside. It took some practice and I still have the fear because the situation is still there but it's no longer so intense that it immobilizes me like before. Now when it comes up I say to myself...all is well right this moment and if it happens I will figure it out. This keeps the fear from being real to me now even though it is something that hasn't happened yet or might not ever happen. Think thoughts that make you feel good right now and let go of the past and the future because they are not our reality now. If we learn to live in the moment of today, and reach for higher thoughts and feelings then more higher thoughts come to us that will create better feelings. By doing this we don't allow fear to dominate us but rather we let love in and it will choke the fear out. It how we show love for ourselves.
Diane-I am so happy your brother stayed with you! Whatever the reason-as long as you benefit then that is all that matters! You sound like you are in a good place-keep it up! We are all here for you! Crickett-I completely understand your words to me regarding my suggestion. I should have picked the screen name "Pollyanna" because I always want to find the best in people-give them a chance to see things for what they really are-do the right thing... I know it doesn't work that way a lot of the time! I have found things out about some of my own siblings that I wish I hadn't and can't believe. But, that is life. I definitely would not want to make Diane's situation worse-and from the sounds of the sibs-it could. And Diane said they will never get it-and she would know best! I read the post to my 19 year old about grabbing the poop out of the toilet to show off-just to let him see how good we really have it here! He almost gagged! Too funny. Keep the stories coiming! Have a good day all! Mame
Three days now with FIL in bed. No drink, no food. Just laying there slowly fading away, rarely opening his eyes and only reacting when we change him or reposition him and that is to groan and moan and flinch in pain. He's suffering so much. I wish he would pass on so he can finally be at peace. Anyway, thanks for the hugs and comments, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I've also got to learn a song because MIL wants me to sing at the funeral when he does go. It is the song she sang to him on their wedding. I hope I do it justice.
Thanks Cricket! I choose to be positive most of the time. There is depression and other mental disorders in my family. I did not get those genes, but I did get the autoimmune issues and other health issues that I prefer to the mental side. I get depressed for short periods but always manage to find my way out pretty quickly. I have a lot on my plate as we all do. I was away from the thread for a long time, but have decided to get back to helping where I can. I choose to be positive with everyone here. I don't want to cause anyone to feel less of themselves if I can help it. We are all in this "boat" together and need to be there for each other as much as we can. Lord knows we can't get any notice or help from our government! Diane, I'm so proud of you! Maybe your brother's problems have opened his eyes to what you are going through. Nice of him to spend the night. Just knowing you could go to sleep and not worry about checking on your mom must have been wonderful. Angelhair, thinking of you! Mom was a mess this AM. Couldn't get her to open her mouth for her pills, teeth, or breakfast. My patience is slowly leaving the building!!! We were 20 minutes late to daycare. She finally snapped out of it and let me put her teeth in so she could eat some pancakes. I was exhausted by the time I dropped her off. Now I am doing laundry and trying to contact her insurance company about her IRA. $$ is almost gone and the bills are piling up. LTC will be gone by November, so I have to find some $$ fast. I hate this sh!t! Guess i better just suck it up and move on. Got to go out to the bank and pick up some cat food. Them Mom has to be picked up at 3. Merry is off today so I am on my own. Hope Mom is in a good mood after daycare! Have a good day everyone!
Well, nothing like some good poop stories to get my day off to a good start. Pulling turds out of the toilet is priceless and poor suzmarie, OMG, what a nightmare. Lord have mercy, what we go through.
Diane, I'm happy your bosses are working with you on the situation. I feel relieved that they are insisting that you keep your doctor appointments and get regular counseling. That's huge.
I liked Cricket's comments about dealing with fears. It reminds me of a quote, maybe it was Mark Twain who said, "Some of the worst things in my life never happened."
Worry is not action and sometimes the best thing to help elevate worry is to take a tiny step or action in the direction you want to go. That can be empowering and a positive release. It breaks the cycle of paralysis that fear and worry holds on us.
Well, back to poop, got to get dad to the bathroom.
Angelhair: Just wanted to say I am thinking about you and your family. I pray your FIL passes soon and is at peace. I think it is lovely that you are going to sing that special song at his service. Sending you calm and peace and God's blessings. Cattails.
tee hee...aunt sent me an email saying they were at the beach and went shopping and going LITERALLY to Disneyland....When she asked how things were her I let her know we spent twenty minutes trying to get her father up off the floor mom was too worn out to bathe him etc....whatever. Its all relative. Relatives?
Our neighbor across the street committed suicide yesterday...His struggles are over.
Angelhair thinking of you & your family I hope you take care of yourself.... deefer I know it just really helps me get on here and not only vent but relate just when I'm just to the point I want to go sit down & get on laptop sign on & VENT I read some of the post & realize my day hasnt been so bad. I have been taking some of my advice gals on here give me to do more for myself & been getting outside walking dog cleaning up yard & my husband has been home so he has been helping he goes back to work & daughter has school just me and the MIL ... My plan to paint a middle room wide hallway. Wish me luck. Took me about 2 months to paint the bathroom 2 colors and I still don't have it decorated. Oh well thanks for letting me blab bless you all...
I have a little more time right now so I just wanted to tell you about my visit with Amanda. On Saturday, I got to sit in with her when she had her final fitting for her wedding dress. She looked absolutely beautiful. My grandson-in-law to be is such a wonderful guy. I just love him. I got to meet his family and extended family at a family get together they had Saturday evening. Nice people and very welcoming. On Sunday, I spent the day with Brad and Amanda. It was a special Mother's Day for me. We had a great day. Flew home Monday.
Amanda called today, she finally got all her final grades from the semester that just finished. She took 17 units and most of them were pretty hard classes, but she managed to get all A's and a 4.0 average. She also works 25 to 30 hours a week, so I don't know how she does it. She wants to get her degree in Forensic Accounting and is currently applying for an internship with several accounting firms. She has 3 more years of college to get everything she needs, but she wants to cram it into 2 years, so she wants to take 19 units next year, plus the internship which will be 20 hours a week. Plus, she says she will still have to pull a few shifts at her waitressing job because even though the internship is a paid position, it's not much money. I think she might be pushing herself too hard, but if I told her that she would bite my head off, and that just wounds me to the core, so I keep my mouth shut. (I know that's hard to believe.) She'll figure it out. We help her with her college costs as much as we can, but she still has to take out student loans. I don't know how kids manage these days. College is so expensive and they walk away with so much debt.
Deef: I'm sorry you don't have grandchildren. Your comment really touched my heart. I just have the one. One son and one grandchild. Hey, Deef, I could have sure used your help today. My husband and I are putting up the poly walls on our greenhouse. It's slow going and I guess we will get into the groove, but I just thought to myself, if Deef was here we'd be done by now.
Ok, everyone, that's my blab for tonight. Love you, Cattails.
Jen: I'm sorry your relatives are so clueless. How they can be that way in beyond me. How they can email you about what a great time they are having while you and your mom are stuck in a never ending cycle is just #$%&$* sick.
I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor, but I am also struck by your blunt (although factual) comment. It just seemed so cold to me.
Jen, is there anything you can do for yourself that does not involve your mom or your pervert grandfather. Can you take a walk, just get out of that house? I know you don't drive, but can you take a bus, anything to give you some space from the day in and day out sameness of your unhappiness.
There is a world that exists beyond the one you live in. I wish I could pick you up in my car and just drive forever. Is it possible that you could qualify for some medical assistance and get into therapy? Your life is precious, you are precious. Jen, think about this and find your power. It's there, but you have to claim it.
I'm sending you love and white light and hoping you will take some action. Any action. Love to you my friend, Cattails.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you think the family would be selling the house in order to pay for the NH? Hopefully, your boss will understand and maybe you could afford an apartment. You can still visit your mom at the NH and you will be able to live your own life as well. Your health comes first.. Just thinking if I had went through my past suicidal thoughts then I wouldn't be a grandma twice.. Please try to think about yourself even though it easier said than done. You are in my prayers.
I have to take mom to her doctor appointment in 30 minutes and it's getting cloudy like its going to pour again. I don't mind the rain, but trying to get mom in the car in the rain usually means only on of us manages to stay dry. Wet clothes in a cold doctors office just isn't fun.
I hope you all can have a pretty good day despite the challenges we face as caregivers. I'll keep you all in my prayers too. Thank you again for your prayers and support.
Love ya,
Diane
Everything we all are going through is for a purpose to teach us life's lessons. Before commenting to you I prayed about what I would say and asked for help to use the right words to be of help to you. Here is what has come to my mind as a result. You are a very loving and sensitive person, you put your heart into caring for your Mother the best you can. You love your Mom and value the home you have made together. Therefore when your siblings say "those" comments to you. It rips your heart out. I get it, totally. When the sibs hurt you with their words, yes they wound you. They are lacking any kind of understanding or insight into you at all, we here all know you and know that all those comments made by them is not a bad reflection on you but rather it shows them for what idiots they are.
Now here's the lesson for you that will help you to change your whole perspective and turn your life completely around for the better...
We already established how much your sibs hurt you. Think about the total time it took them to fling their hurtful words to you.. it's probably added up to minutes, or hours, right? Now think about the amount of time you spend playing that broken record over and over in your head... each thought rips the wound open, causing you to feel the pain over and over until you get to the point of well "suicide", now ask yourself honestly is the way YOU are reacting to the sibs enabling you to escalate the damage or support you for who you really are? The lesson in this is that yes people hurt us deeply but the way we react to them can cause us more pain and do more damage than they ever could. All this damage totally destroys your energy and causes severe depression. This is not the way to go. So here is a possible solution for you.
Break the damn record! Write down on a piece of paper all the good things about yourself...like what a loving daughter you are, what a nice home you have and how you love to garden and care for it. You will find that when you make a new record with these "positive", reaffirming thoughts about yourself and the things you love that your energy will start to come back, your depression will start to fade and you will feel more in control of your life. You will have the energy to care for your home the way you would like, and enjoy it.
Let go of the story of the siblings. In fact, Only speak to them when you absolutely need to, otherwise shut them out because they are toxic. Screw them. If they call you flat out tell them that if they want to help their Mother then they can come spend a day or two with her like you do everyday, hands on, or they don't need to call you further. Tell them to only call you when they are willing to help by doing the actual work or hiring someone to take their place.
Keep POA, keep your Mother and utilize the LTC to the fullest. If the sibs make one hurtful comment or criticism of you hang up the phone! Refuse to accept any further abuse of you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and know that you were doing the best you could at the time with the understanding you had.
I was really happy to see you were pissed off, Yay! I did a happy dance! Anger is a step up from feeling helpless, it is part of your healing and you are on your way.
Congrats on the job outcome, you deserve that. Blessings and prayers your way.
Love you Diane!
I would like to comment to each and everyone of you but I need to tend to my house, it's a mess, LOL
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
xoxo
I agree with cricket in the fact that you are ready to fight back. You need your meds and regular counseling so you don't fall into that hole again. I do agree that I will also have to make a decision on Mom some day, but in the meantime I cope as best as I can. The constant fear of losing my home ever hanging over my head.
Everyone's advice is as always more helpful than you will ever know and each of us will take what we need from each others words of wisdom. There is no wrong or right for any of us. This is definitely a personal choice we all have to make for ourselves. The experiences of all of us can only help! We are in this together and need to keep showing our support to each other no matter what OUR personal choices are.
Angelhair, Sorry to hear your Fil is failing so fast. Dehydration is a huge factor in their surviving. Making him comfortable is all you can do now.
Lildeb, keep searching! There are places to get help, it just takes time to hunt them down. Check with your local senior center. There is usually someone on staff that knows all the area elder services.
Cattails, Sounds like you had a nice visit!
Okay, sink full of dishes!
Well gang, I have to get dinner yet. My brother did stay with mom a few hours so I could get some rest and I passed out. So dinner got a very late start.
Have a good night and prayers and hugs to each of you with your own dilemmas.
Love ya,
Diane
Angel, sorry about your FIL. I do know how hard it is to watch someone slowly fade away. Studies have shown, that in the end when people quit eating and drinking, that the body releases endorphins, putting the patient in an almost euphoric state. It is why sometimes terminal patients quit asking for their pain meds. I don't understand why people want to come see your FIL now, he isn't a shadow of himself anymore. I would tell people it is too late, and he isn't up to visitors. You and your MiL, and your husband and children have enough to take care of right now, besides dealing with visitors.
You are all in my prayers.
To keep poo off the walls etc go in the bathroom with your lo and prevent the spread of the poo before it occurs if you can.
so many unwanted surprises.
I would had thought that someone from the dentist office would had tried to understand and help you somewhat. At least they offer some freaking gloves! You do have to admit that they do keep you on your toes sometimes. I hope you have a nice day.
Diane, I am so happy that your boss is working with you on your hours and to try and keep your job. I was not sure if your sibs were trying to sale the house to help pay for the NH for your mom or just trying to be hurtful. It seems from what I am reading it just plain hatefullness. You are the only one that really knows what you have done for years for your mom and still doing. I agree what Cricket said and eventually your depression will fade away after you quick listen to the toxic family members. Let their butt take on like Cricket mention, Hands on day to day caregiving beings they have all the answer yet not the real insight. You go girl!
I am glad your brother at least step up to the plate for a few hours but it dosen't help your living situation and their is no way you are disappointing your mom for you can only do so much and you have donethat and some. Never think that for you are a great person to go out of your way to take care of your mom. I do hope someone has some advice for you on the living situation. You are in my prayers.
Surprisingly the bro stayed overnight so I could get some more rest. I think he realizes some of the meds I am on right now are kicking my butt. I am supposed to be weaned off the most sickening of the pills this week. Ut was one given as a preventative so I didn't have seizures while my body was prossessing the overdose and then the withdrawl. I don't want to ever do this to myself again.
Kathy, you and I must have been posting at the same time. Thank you and everyone else that has offered support and encouragement. I know your mom has LTC insurance too. It is this same life saving insurance that is keeping mom from qualifying for Medicaid. So if mom is put in a NH, she will be charged the full monthly fee. Her LTC insurance will only pay about 50% of that cost, the remainder would have to come from somewhere. Since the sibs aren't willing to invest that much per month, what is their next step,sell mom's only asset her home. When they sell the home, guess who has nowhere to go. It seems silly to most becuz everyone says ok, rent a place. Between working shorter hours and acquiring more debt while trying to care for mom my income doesn't go very far. Plus, I've put 9 years of hard work into making my home and yard comfortable for us and I don't see why I should be the only one making continuous sacrifices for my mom. I would do anything for my mom, but they are being plain unfair about this whole thing.
Thanks again for the support and for listening to my complaining. I'm hoping letting it out will be better than poisening myself with the anger and resentment I feel towards my sibs. At least my brother is trying. He is also having some issues himself. I'm not sure what is going on, but I do know his wife is not living at home with him right now.
Well my dear friends, I have things I need to get done today like set-up a new bank account so my brother can take over all of mom's accounts. Have as good a day possiblle and I will keep you all in my prayers.
Love ya,
Diane
LilDeb and Suzmarie, omg..the poop stories just keep coming! You girls had me in stitches this morning! Thanks for sharing, I think, LOL
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
I really appreciate your comments and insights. It is so helpful to all of us when we speak up and share our thoughts and experiences with each other and your words to and about Diane has so much strength and empathy in them, they go a long way.
I too have experienced the feelings of dread that follow the constant fear of something and I know how it can control your every waking moment. The thing that helped me overcome this constant state of dread cause by fear was again, my thinking. I had to change my thoughts to change my feelings and that was really hard because the fear was very real, very legitimate. I know both you, Diane, and many of us are dealing with this type of fear and It can totally take away your energy and cut deep into the soul.
Every time I would catch myself thinking about "my fear thoughts" I would force myself to think about something that made me feel good inside. It took some practice and I still have the fear because the situation is still there but it's no longer so intense that it immobilizes me like before. Now when it comes up I say to myself...all is well right this moment and if it happens I will figure it out. This keeps the fear from being real to me now even though it is something that hasn't happened yet or might not ever happen. Think thoughts that make you feel good right now and let go of the past and the future because they are not our reality now. If we learn to live in the moment of today, and reach for higher thoughts and feelings then more higher thoughts come to us that will create better feelings. By doing this we don't allow fear to dominate us but rather we let love in and it will choke the fear out. It how we show love for ourselves.
Cricketღ
Crickett-I completely understand your words to me regarding my suggestion. I should have picked the screen name "Pollyanna" because I always want to find the best in people-give them a chance to see things for what they really are-do the right thing... I know it doesn't work that way a lot of the time! I have found things out about some of my own siblings that I wish I hadn't and can't believe. But, that is life. I definitely would not want to make Diane's situation worse-and from the sounds of the sibs-it could. And Diane said they will never get it-and she would know best!
I read the post to my 19 year old about grabbing the poop out of the toilet to show off-just to let him see how good we really have it here! He almost gagged! Too funny. Keep the stories coiming!
Have a good day all! Mame
Diane, I'm so proud of you! Maybe your brother's problems have opened his eyes to what you are going through. Nice of him to spend the night. Just knowing you could go to sleep and not worry about checking on your mom must have been wonderful.
Angelhair, thinking of you!
Mom was a mess this AM. Couldn't get her to open her mouth for her pills, teeth, or breakfast. My patience is slowly leaving the building!!! We were 20 minutes late to daycare. She finally snapped out of it and let me put her teeth in so she could eat some pancakes. I was exhausted by the time I dropped her off. Now I am doing laundry and trying to contact her insurance company about her IRA. $$ is almost gone and the bills are piling up. LTC will be gone by November, so I have to find some $$ fast. I hate this sh!t! Guess i better just suck it up and move on. Got to go out to the bank and pick up some cat food. Them Mom has to be picked up at 3. Merry is off today so I am on my own. Hope Mom is in a good mood after daycare!
Have a good day everyone!
Well, nothing like some good poop stories to get my day off to a good start. Pulling turds out of the toilet is priceless and poor suzmarie, OMG, what a nightmare. Lord have mercy, what we go through.
Diane, I'm happy your bosses are working with you on the situation. I feel relieved that they are insisting that you keep your doctor appointments and get regular counseling. That's huge.
I liked Cricket's comments about dealing with fears. It reminds me of a quote, maybe it was Mark Twain who said, "Some of the worst things in my life never happened."
Worry is not action and sometimes the best thing to help elevate worry is to take a tiny step or action in the direction you want to go. That can be empowering and a positive release. It breaks the cycle of paralysis that fear and worry holds on us.
Well, back to poop, got to get dad to the bathroom.
Love and prayers to everyone.
Our neighbor across the street committed suicide yesterday...His struggles are over.
deefer I know it just really helps me get on here and not only vent but relate just when I'm just to the point I want to go sit down & get on laptop sign on & VENT I read some of the post & realize my day hasnt been so bad.
I have been taking some of my advice gals on here give me to do more for myself & been getting outside walking dog cleaning up yard & my husband has been home so he has been helping he goes back to work & daughter has school just me and the MIL ... My plan to paint a middle room wide hallway. Wish me luck. Took me about 2 months to paint the bathroom 2 colors and I still don't have it decorated. Oh well thanks for letting me blab bless you all...
Amanda called today, she finally got all her final grades from the semester that just finished. She took 17 units and most of them were pretty hard classes, but she managed to get all A's and a 4.0 average. She also works 25 to 30 hours a week, so I don't know how she does it. She wants to get her degree in Forensic Accounting and is currently applying for an internship with several accounting firms. She has 3 more years of college to get everything she needs, but she wants to cram it into 2 years, so she wants to take 19 units next year, plus the internship which will be 20 hours a week. Plus, she says she will still have to pull a few shifts at her waitressing job because even though the internship is a paid position, it's not much money. I think she might be pushing herself too hard, but if I told her that she would bite my head off, and that just wounds me to the core, so I keep my mouth shut. (I know that's hard to believe.) She'll figure it out. We help her with her college costs as much as we can, but she still has to take out student loans. I don't know how kids manage these days. College is so expensive and they walk away with so much debt.
Deef: I'm sorry you don't have grandchildren. Your comment really touched my heart. I just have the one. One son and one grandchild. Hey, Deef, I could have sure used your help today. My husband and I are putting up the poly walls on our greenhouse. It's slow going and I guess we will get into the groove, but I just thought to myself, if Deef was here we'd be done by now.
Ok, everyone, that's my blab for tonight. Love you, Cattails.
I'm sorry to hear about your neighbor, but I am also struck by your blunt (although factual) comment. It just seemed so cold to me.
Jen, is there anything you can do for yourself that does not involve your mom or your pervert grandfather. Can you take a walk, just get out of that house? I know you don't drive, but can you take a bus, anything to give you some space from the day in and day out sameness of your unhappiness.
There is a world that exists beyond the one you live in. I wish I could pick you up in my car and just drive forever. Is it possible that you could qualify for some medical assistance and get into therapy? Your life is precious, you are precious. Jen, think about this and find your power. It's there, but you have to claim it.
I'm sending you love and white light and hoping you will take some action. Any action. Love to you my friend, Cattails.