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I do get tired of those who want to idealize older people, lumping them all into this group of saints. Or maybe putting themselves, as adult children caring for an elder into the sainthood category. It's Ozzie and Harriett all over again. I don't live in fantasy land and I'm no saint. I just do the best I can.
Tbailey, you are free to vent whenever and however you want to on this site. You can't talk about a nasty situation without sharing the nasty.
Judy & Jen: Rock on!!
Diane: Your brain will get back in the game. I can't imagine your mom taking 1 1/2 hours to eat her dinner. I pray you get a decent night's sleep.
Garden you have no idea what some of us here went through in our childhood-and how nice or not our parents were and what hell we went through so before getting up on your soapbox at least read some comments we offer before judging us maybe you did live in a fairyland and did not get the crapt beat out of you for some little childhood infraction and maybe you did not have to eat your supper out in the rain when you were 4 yrs old because you were bad good for you-this is not a let me tell you about my perfect life in the castle form it is for us normal people just trying to get through a day from hell and keeping sane with a job that is too much for 4 people and being done by one.
195AUSTIN I HEAR YOU Some people have no clue... That is why I love this site too many of you to name but, the ones on here understand. That help me through my day when MIL has no clue & family could care less....
Ya, OBMAJ to the garden person. Well Stated Jen! AND you landed on boat time! Good one Judy and Austin and tbailey. you guys have got it down.
Diane! I am so happy to see that you are going to be moving forward on this so you get to have your life. Very big deal and I know that I am so proud of you and that everyone here is rooting for you big time.
Hey garden person and to the other comment a little earlier than that, whatever your name is, here's one for you two: Except for a 10 week respite when I was flying coast to coast to handle my mother's crazy business (in other words, no real break for me) I took my mom all the way to her grave and I would NEVER do it again. It almost killed me and as everyone here on this thread is well aware, I am still not right. It's called PTSD just like what combat vets get. I am an advocate for elder placement to save the caregiver's life. Period. I know that it's a personal choice but someone has to speak up for those who choose not to sacrifice themselves on the altar of crap.
I swear that if some old person fell down in front of me and there was someone else there to deal with it I could step over them and make a beeline for the front door and never look back. Harsh? you betcha. But that's what 'over it' looks like.
A lot of times when someone wants to take issue with what we do here on the Grossed thread with Vent and Live they are not the 'real deal' of a caregiver. Their elder is in assisted living and maybe not even in 'memory care' yet because these judgmental individuals are totally clueless about what is in store. I don't know what the backstories on these folks are because I can't drum up a give a damn to go look at their profiles.
I have even been lectured from someone whose parent can still dress themselves and make their own sandwiches! wtf!?! Seriously?
You all are wonderful women, smart women and loving and compassionate women. I care for each and every one of you more than you could possibly imagine and I want for each and every one of you way more than you could possibly know.
Jen, I am so proud of you for still hanging in there and maybe you'll win the lottery on the same day the old perv will stroke out on you and after you fumigate the house you'll be able to draw a real breath. ugh.
This what I am passionate about. Trying to figure out a way for old people not to rob their children of their health and kill their children in the prime of their lives.
After awhile you just have to stop blaming the disease and understand, to paraphrase Austin, that this is a job for professionals and absolutely impossible for one person to do.
Boat Angel update: Still in the hospital on dialysis and the cancer is still everywhere but he is hanging in there. I am so grateful that he is in a professional environment and that I am not taking care of him because we would both probably be dead by now.
OK, Now for something stupid:
I was introduced to a Neanderthal type on Sunday (I am in a boat yard in a part of the country known for rednecks, bible thumpers and other non progressives) and when I extended my hand he squeezed so hard it is still sore and still carries a bruise. All the while he is grinning like an a$$hole. Without even thinking I yanked my hand away, and kneed him in the nuts. Yup, that's what 'over it' looks like..... and I love men! Just not stupid ones.
Idea of the Day: for those of you with idiot siblings, get a plastic bag and Fed Ex a days worth of diapers and sh!tty sheets to them. just for laughs put mom's teeth in the middle... If you pay a little extra you can have it delivered at dinnertime. Bon Appetitty!
Bobbie good to hear from you some of us are kick assed-did you notice-we did have another Amber Jane but wu handled it pretty-I was a little hot under the collar and let loose or should I be PC and say I vented good for you returning the handshake-the husband almost ruined a surgeon's carrer doing the hard handgrab-he thought it was so funny-the husband. We miss you and I am so glad the boat angal in in the hospitalI love the Fed EX thought of the day-I bet we could come up with something once a week if we tried. AC is not posting the commets on my inbox-I hope they get that straightened out you take dear dear lady.
Bobbie!!!!!! So sorry your boat angel has to go through this, but glad for you he is in a facility. I'll be thinking of you both! As for miss remember.... Do you have to feed your parent every meal? Does it take forever to get them to open their mouth so you can put the food in? Do they pee or poop on you whenever you pull their pants down to toilet them? Do they spend the entire time they are on the toilet trying to pull their pants up? Can they still dress themselves, or do they no longer know what a shirt sleeve is? Do you have to wipe their nose and handle their false teeth because they don't know what they are for? Do they try to wipe the table with their bread and butter? Do you have to put away everything within their reach or they destroy it? Until you have had to deal with all of the above and , oh yes, let's not forget the having to wipe and wash Mom's crouch numerous times a day, and the fighting to get the meds into her mouth 4 times a day, you really have no idea how STUPID your "remember" comment is to every caregiver out there!!!! I hope you get to care for someone long enough to deal with all of the above. Then you can REMEMBER!!!! Sorry everyone. I'm usually very diplomatic, but I just had to!
WAy to tell them Bobbi.. I LOVE THE fed ex idea. I will keep that in mind... Deefer I can answer that one like someone else said this person is not a true caregiver sounds like my SIL she calls once a week and says things like well you know what ever is best for mother( YOU NOT CALLING HER CAREGIVER) would be all I can think of at the point she says that... This is the SIL that helps me by paying medical bills & insurance then giving me money during the month. She is her moms other caregiver she tells people. UGH! My MIL knows & says she is torture to deal with always hurrying her & has no patience. LOrd help us all..Have a great day !!!!!
Bobbie: Thank you for everything you said. We are now at a point where we are going to start a Medicaid application for my dad. Don't know how long this process will take, but the hope is that we can place him in a good facility. I feel better that we are at least starting the process, but it's still sad to me. Your words help me with the guilt I'm feeling. Plus, I get the benefit of the LMAO sections of your post too. You really lift my spirits. I am wishing you the best, as always.. My prayers are with you and boat angel.
Deef: Your words were so on the money. What an honest description of all you deal with everyday.. My dad had such a hard time this morning trying to eat his breakfast. Lifting his cup to drink his juice took so much effort and he gets upset when I try to help him. He just wants to do it himself, which I can understand.
By the way, since making this decision to go with the Medicaid application, we have decided to start making plans to go to Hawaii next March for our 40th wedding anniversary. I've never been there. I would have never considered this two weeks ago, but taking a step towards the Medicaid application has caused a shift in how I am seeing the future.
To 14822garden.. So many good people are caring for their parents far better than their parents ever cared for them, and given the circumstances it takes every ounce of energy and love that they have to do the best they can day to day. It is never encouraging for them to be told "to remember" when for remembering to them is physical, mental, or even sexual abuse... so please stop and consider all possibilities before telling people to remember. What we say to others can be more hurtful than helpful. If you really want to be supportive tell some jokes to help lift peoples spirits, or just plain out ask if there is anything you can say or do to be helpful.
Just a quick note to say hello. Bobbie, I'm so happy to see you! I was worried since I was texting you and not getting any response.
Went to another NH today and took mom to look. She didn't seem adverse to it, but not too interested either. We go to visit another on Thursday. I'm working on some loan applications, so we will see if I can buy our house and finance mom's care.
Going to watch the finale for Dancing with the Stars. Its a good group so it will be interesting to see who wins.
Cricket Love the ART!!! Diane You already sound better so glad you let us know Ive had you in my thoughts & prayers!!!! Hope you cattails is having a great evening!!! My son came and got our one year old female puppy tonight. It's a good thing, he has her brother & was talking about getting another dog. And He is why we got our dog because he had my daughter with him when he picked his up & she wanted it at 10 years old he got big on her before we knew it and very hyper She sweet though but my son & his girlfriend are great kids and they treat there dog like a baby. Our dogs love each other too and he lives 2 hours away so when they use to get together they really wore there selfs out so I'm sure the 4 of them will have a high strung week But, It is really going to help me out. I've really got great kids. My 20 year old has been stepping up spending more time with her sister who is 10 since MIL is here. Cattails grandaughter story got me thinking I'm proud of mine to there pretty good eggs as my grandma use to call me. Ha Have a good evening all..
Good morning, I'm having coffee and enjoying my peace and quiet before the day gets going. I was glad to hear from Bobbie, Diane, and everyone. Looking at NH's and getting the info is a good idea. I'll probably stick it out with Mom at home, and hope I can make it through. Diane, I hope you get to buy your Mom's house. I have two brothers, and am living in my mom's house. I thought of trying to buy it, but will prob want to move closer to my sons, or if I meet Mr right , etc. I'm just gonna see how I feel when the time comes. I was upset yesterday that "everyone" is opting for NH placement, but now it seems like a good idea for most people. The elder needs a lot of care , and the daughter or son should be able to live their life too. I guess what was upsetting me was losing friends on here, who have developed a similar sense of humor about the grossness of it all. Watched Dancing with the stars last night, good show.
Just because we are not caregivers does not mean we will be gone-look at me some would probably like to see me gone-our friendships can continue with our new normals-I use lots of my experience from here to help in our caregivers support group-at first the leaders both social workers and caregivers did not want us former caregivers on board but they have accepted us and have found without alphabet soup after our names we do know what we are talking about.
Hi all! Glad to see everyone here! Hey Bobbie!!!! I have a small, small favor to ask you ALL. I posted a question in the Caregiver Forum, under Caregiver burnout. I am working on a research project based on what we are all going through. I want to try and help others, who aren't here yet, NOT go through what we did. Would you all be so kind as to post a short response to the ONE question. The question is: "What is the ONE thing you wish you knew before you took on being a caregiver?"
I could think of no better group to ask this question to. Your input is very important to me cause I luv you all.
gotta post now before I forget Betty Whites off there rockers is on NBC here its a bunch of older people playing pranks on younger people. I love it. Ive always enjoyed candid camera and prank shows the kids are watching sometimes but this is good & how could it not be Betty White is hillarious!!!!On Tonight Wens. around nine here I think I like to watch t.v. when I can laugh. I know some of you might enjoy it.
Hi All! Just got caught up on the posts. Boy a lot goes on here! I am sad today. Our cousin who is about 68 just found out she has 6 months to live. Right out of the blue! She is sooooo sad and so are all of us. Please forgive me Lord-but I am really questioning the reasoning behind this! Not that there really is any reason. But here we caregivers all are, with our "charges" who have very little quality of life-yet they just keep living! My counselor says that my mom is just not ready to die. What the hell does that mean? She has a choice? So yesterday I told mom I wanted to look into an adult day care for a couple afternoons a week if possible. She is NOT a morning person! Her reaction? "You wanna get rid of me!" I said "Mom, don't you want to be around people and do interesting things besides watch TV all the time?" She said "No, I am happy doing what I do here." Then she asked me, "Aren't you happy?" I just looked at her and said, "Mom, I am bored to tears. And lonly. I need time away." Just cause her quality of life sucks doesn't mean mine has to. She has chosen this. She has been saying no for years to anything I want to do with her or have suggested she do. Or, she had her headache and couldn't go... always an excuse. Now I guess it is time for me to choose something else for her and not let her have an excuse-for both our sakes! She later told me that if I want her to go to daycare then she will. Lips persed, eyes lowered. So, I have contacted one to see what the deal is. She won't be happy at first but will get used to it I am sure. I think the stimulation will be good for her. She was a nurse and when she sees sick people-the nurse in her comes out-so I am sure she will have stories to share when she gets home. (If she remembers!) Anyway...I am just so tired. Our cousin dying makes no sense. She loves life, has interests and (was) in great health! Maybe someday it will all come clear to me...but for now I am baffled! And sad. Mame
Hey Mame, sorry to hear about your cousin's prognosis. sucks for sure. Man, we know that nothing about life is fair and your questioning the reasoning requires no plea for forgiveness. But there isn't any reason. That's the cosmic joke. Life your life with joy because this is it. I hope your cousin does some stuff she has always wanted to do in the time she has and you are able to join in.
Also it is great to see that you are going to get daycare for your mom. Of course she doesn't want to go but so what? You don't necessarily want to be nailed to the floor 24/7 taking care of her either so something has to give.
You understanding that you have a choice is vital to your survival. You have survival instincts and all you have to do is listen to them when they kick in. Not listening to your survival instincts turns you into a victim. Screw that. Congratulations on making that move!
Placement is a good idea when you can pull it off and so is daycare and any other distraction that you, as a caregiver, can come up with FOR YOU. There are resources out the wazoo for the elderly but very few for the caregiver. In a few years there will be more programs to protect the caregiver but right now you protect yourself or you will be sucked into the void of someone else's long slow death and when you get to the other side you will realize that it was all unfair, unbalanced and unjust. Take it from those of us who have been there and done that. Choose Life. Yours!
OK, here's an idea that I love: AMC Theatres has what they call the Stubs program. You buy the card (10-12 bucks) and get to see first run movies at a substantial discount. After you spend 100 bucks you get a free movie or 10 bucks credit can't remember...Where I am now all movies before 6pm on weekdays cost 5 bucks instead of 10. If you go with someone you can take their cash, buy their tickets and get to your 100 bucks faster! I call it film therapy. I will go to the movies alone at the drop of a hat. I will also go to a little cafe or restaurant alone with a book or notebook and not give a tinker's damn whether I'm alone or not. All I know is that I got out of the house (off the boat), had a good time and did something I wanted to do without waiting for someone else to make up their minds or get their ass in gear. Put your mom in daycare and go take a Nascar class for the afternoon... whatever you can do. Film Therapy. oh ya. Gonna see Battleship next.... There's a shock haha.
Thanks everybody for the shout outs, sure is sweet to know that I have some good buddies here. Makes a world of difference and I thank you all again from the bottom of my soul.
hi there u all . been out mowing the ditch and was pourin down sweating ! decided to come in and ck out the GO while i cool off . bobbie - big hugs to u dear . glad you kneed that guy , bet he aint grinnin anymore . lalala ... going to movies sounds great ! been going to casino hopin to win . nope my sister wins ! i only won one time out of 5 yrs worth , shit , 20 bucks is all i play . someday theyre gonna hand me a big ole fat check . ssk- am glad ure back and keepin in touch . i know its sad when elders is headin for nh . not all can handle it . some parents are just plaine mean and has no respect and doesnt appreicate it . my pa always thanked me for everything . give him a bite he says thank you and anuther bite thank u linda . give him a drinkw ith a straw , thank you linda . oh lord i miss my daddy , i like my freedom but hell im at home al the time ! whats the diffrents ? hang in there ssk , youre a girl with a big heart . youre a sweetheart ! flex- i hope u do find a perfect nh for ur mom . it ll give u peace and burden off ur shoulders , you have too much stuff on ur plate to deal with daily , i know u will go ck on ur mom as much as u can . screw them siblings , do what bobbie said , fed x those diapers ohh lala .... id love to see their face when they open the packages hahahahaha . cricket . love that sprinkle of love !! im pourin the love on you . :-) .. ok supper time , whats for supper ? pork chop .. burp . xoxox
Hi Y'all, I thought I'd check-in while I am cooking. I'm not in the mood to cook, so lord help mom and bf just what they get. At least bf is grilling the chicken, They are getting a mix of veggies - eggplant, mushrooms, spinach with tomato and onions as a side. Really for a fat woman I eat very healthy. Just too much of it though. Bobbie, it doesn't phase me to go do things by myself anymore. There used to be a time it bothered me, but not anymore. I'll have to see if I can get back into doing things when mom gets settled in the NH. Until then I have no social life to worry about.
Linda don't work too hard and give yourself heat stoke. Bobbie already tried that before. I'm glad to see a lot of the "oldies" back on line. The newbies are great, but I've missed my old buddies. Anyone heard from our Cali gals Christina and Pirate? I got an email from Rip and I see her posting on FB.
I'll have to go look for Selfishsibs question and post my reply. I think losing my family has been the hardest thing to face in my role as a caregiver.
Have a good evening dear ones and I'll check-in tomorrow.
Hi People, Quick hello cause I've been working in the yard all day and need to go see my Mother before they have dinner. Nice to see Bobbie and Linda and lots of newbies since last I visited. School is out for a month and I'm working on a couple of kitchen and bath designs in conjunction with my husband's construction remodels, some landscape and window treatments. Both of us are very busy, more jobs pouring in. I got an "A" in Biological Anthropology and a B in Geology. I did not read enough, honestly, or I could have gotten a better grade. I was stressed out over a few things out of my control, kept procrastinating and avoiding a simple thing like sitting down, reading and taking notes. Anyway, I learned my lesson, changed my study habits, and started focusing on the present moment, being happy happy:) I asked doctor to decrease Mother's Depakote, he did, and she is a bit more alert the last 2 weeks. While the physical stress from caring for her myself is gone but not forgotten, the emotional stress seeing her so scrunched up and blabbering gets to me every visit, and I end up crying. Don't think that will change, but I know I am doing all I can to love her and spend time with her, and her physical needs are being met. She seems happy. Maybe just happy to be alive, even though she has a limited existence. More later. Much love to all you wonderful caregivers, Crew of this fine BOAT. Love, Christina xo
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right
From the dock the woman watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him," Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive life?" "Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise.” “Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one".
Two fishermen were sitting by the side of a river both holding fishing poles with line in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses." With a guilty voice one says, "We don't have one." "If your going to fish in this state, you need fishing licenses. I'm going to have to issue both of you a ticket." said the Game Warden. The second fisherman speaks up, "But officer, we aren't fishing. We have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up the lines and sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "It's nice to see people with good values, I wish more were like you," the Game Warden said as he turned and left with a smile. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the both fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said. "Yeah!" said the other, "It's a good thing he didn't know there are Steelhead trout in this river!"
Love the jokes Bobbie! Hi all, I just got in from planting some plumbago in the backyard. It was hot here today and I waited until it cooled off a little before doing any gardening. It's good to see posts from Bobbie, Linda and Christina! Everyone have a nice night. Cricketღ
Had a bad morning here! Mom still has her cold and lots of (I hate this word) Phlegm in her throat. This morning she bent over in her wheelchair and spit up. I thought she has drooled or dripped her nose onto her hand and wiped it up, then proceeded to finish curling her hair. Well, as I started to feed her, I noticed a puddle on the floor with some pink gunk in it. That was it for me!!! I started gagging and choking like a fool. I can deal with sh!t all day long, but puke just does me in. Mom couldn't figure out what was wrong with me as I tried to compose myself and throw paper towels over the puddle. Thank God I managed to keep my coffee down. After that, I got Mom off to daycare with little trouble. next I had to call my sister who is POA. The cash is getting scarce and the bills are piling up, so we need to take a penalty on Mom's IRA and pull some cash out now. This time next year the whatever is left will finally be penalty free and we can transfer it from the insurance company, back to the bank. Long story short, my sister made me feel like a criminal and wanted to know what had changed from last year to make the $$ so tight now. She monitors Mom's checking account that I make all her deposits to and pay all her bills from. I told her remember we drained all the bank accounts and she just has her monthly income which does not cover all the expenses. Then after I got off the phone, I went through the checkbook and e-mailed her a list of unexpected expenses over the last 6 months, that totaled close to $3000. SOB!!!!! I gave up my job 5 years ago and am so far in debt because of it. No one visits or even tries to help with Mom's paperwork. My name is on everything, so guess who will be in trouble if Mom goes into a NH? me of course!!! I will have to answer for every penny spent. I was near tears all morning after this deal. I have no $$ and Mom's checking account is empty until the 1st. I have to pay Merry on Friday and all of Mom's bills by Tuesday. Her reimbursement check from her LTC is 2 weeks late besides! By supper time I just said "F" it to the whole mess. It's not worth losing my mind over. Things will work out somehow. Diane, I wish you luck in finding a good NH for your mom. I know you won't be happy until you feel it's the right one for her. I watched the final "Dancing with the Stars" It was great! Mame, definitely get your mom to daycare, My mom is a handful, but they are great with her there. She goes M, W, F, from 9 to 3 and is pretty wiped out by the time I pick her up.At first she didn't like it, as she was still somewhat coherent and cognizant of where she was and she was not one to socialize much. After a while she came to like going. Now she asks me the same things every day. Whose car is this? Where are we going? What's this place? I used to get lots done while she was there, but now that my husband has been out of work for over a year, I don't get much done. I did manage to get 12 pairs of curtains washed and ironed and back up in my clean windows last week. Sskape, I'll be like you, sticking it out with Mom until the end if I can. She was sounding nasty tonight from her cold. I may need to get her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it doesn't turn into pneumonia. I was so nasty and sticky today, that I carried Mom's and my bedroom air conditioners up from the cellar and got them into the windows while my husband was out playing cards. Easier to get things done when he's not around to supervise, if you know what I mean! Tbaily, sounds like you done good with your kids!!! Nance!!!! How are you? Linda, Love going to the casino, but only play so much too! I like the penny and 1/2 penny slots. $20 goes a long way! Cricket, My daughter and sil and I planted our garden on Sunday. We have beans, radishes, tomatoes and green peppers as usual. My daughter wanted cukes and squash too, but I told her they would take over the whole garden. So I decided since we had this big spot in the yard that never grows grass, we might as well dig it up and make a squash-cucumber patch. So we did! I already have tiny cherry tomatoes on 2 of the plants. Christina, Chemical "restraints" is the main reason I won't put Mom into a NH. She is too busy for them to keep an eye on at all times. Bobbie!!!!! Good jokes! I used to hate going anywhere alone, but now I get in my car and take off to parts unknown, just to get away from my husband's constant chatter. I would give my right arm for some time alone! Austin, Did I hear you lost your man friend? Got one here you can have anytime!!! Okay, need to get a few things done before bed. Hope you all have a peaceful night.
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Tbailey, you are free to vent whenever and however you want to on this site. You can't talk about a nasty situation without sharing the nasty.
Judy & Jen: Rock on!!
Diane: Your brain will get back in the game. I can't imagine your mom taking 1 1/2 hours to eat her dinner. I pray you get a decent night's sleep.
Love to all,
Cattails
That is why I love this site too many of you to name but, the ones on here understand. That help me through my day when MIL has no clue & family could care less....
Ya, OBMAJ to the garden person.
Well Stated Jen! AND you landed on boat time!
Good one Judy and Austin and tbailey. you guys have got it down.
Diane! I am so happy to see that you are going to be moving forward on this so you get to have your life. Very big deal and I know that I am so proud of you and that everyone here is rooting for you big time.
Hey garden person and to the other comment a little earlier than that, whatever your name is, here's one for you two:
Except for a 10 week respite when I was flying coast to coast to handle my mother's crazy business (in other words, no real break for me) I took my mom all the way to her grave and I would NEVER do it again. It almost killed me and as everyone here on this thread is well aware, I am still not right.
It's called PTSD just like what combat vets get.
I am an advocate for elder placement to save the caregiver's life. Period.
I know that it's a personal choice but someone has to speak up for those who choose not to sacrifice themselves on the altar of crap.
I swear that if some old person fell down in front of me and there was someone else there to deal with it I could step over them and make a beeline for the front door and never look back.
Harsh? you betcha. But that's what 'over it' looks like.
A lot of times when someone wants to take issue with what we do here on the Grossed thread with Vent and Live they are not the 'real deal' of a caregiver. Their elder is in assisted living and maybe not even in 'memory care' yet because these judgmental individuals are totally clueless about what is in store. I don't know what the backstories on these folks are because I can't drum up a give a damn to go look at their profiles.
I have even been lectured from someone whose parent can still dress themselves and make their own sandwiches! wtf!?! Seriously?
You all are wonderful women, smart women and loving and compassionate women. I care for each and every one of you more than you could possibly imagine and I want for each and every one of you way more than you could possibly know.
Jen, I am so proud of you for still hanging in there and maybe you'll win the lottery on the same day the old perv will stroke out on you and after you fumigate the house you'll be able to draw a real breath. ugh.
This what I am passionate about. Trying to figure out a way for old people not to rob their children of their health and kill their children in the prime of their lives.
After awhile you just have to stop blaming the disease and understand, to paraphrase Austin, that this is a job for professionals and absolutely impossible for one person to do.
Boat Angel update: Still in the hospital on dialysis and the cancer is still everywhere but he is hanging in there. I am so grateful that he is in a professional environment and that I am not taking care of him because we would both probably be dead by now.
OK, Now for something stupid:
I was introduced to a Neanderthal type on Sunday (I am in a boat yard in a part of the country known for rednecks, bible thumpers and other non progressives) and when I extended my hand he squeezed so hard it is still sore and still carries a bruise. All the while he is grinning like an a$$hole.
Without even thinking I yanked my hand away, and kneed him in the nuts.
Yup, that's what 'over it' looks like..... and I love men! Just not stupid ones.
Idea of the Day: for those of you with idiot siblings, get a plastic bag and Fed Ex a days worth of diapers and sh!tty sheets to them. just for laughs put mom's teeth in the middle... If you pay a little extra you can have it delivered at dinnertime.
Bon Appetitty!
lovbob
As for miss remember.... Do you have to feed your parent every meal? Does it take forever to get them to open their mouth so you can put the food in? Do they pee or poop on you whenever you pull their pants down to toilet them? Do they spend the entire time they are on the toilet trying to pull their pants up? Can they still dress themselves, or do they no longer know what a shirt sleeve is? Do you have to wipe their nose and handle their false teeth because they don't know what they are for? Do they try to wipe the table with their bread and butter? Do you have to put away everything within their reach or they destroy it? Until you have had to deal with all of the above and , oh yes, let's not forget the having to wipe and wash Mom's crouch numerous times a day, and the fighting to get the meds into her mouth 4 times a day, you really have no idea how STUPID your "remember" comment is to every caregiver out there!!!! I hope you get to care for someone long enough to deal with all of the above. Then you can REMEMBER!!!!
Sorry everyone. I'm usually very diplomatic, but I just had to!
Deefer I can answer that one like someone else said this person is not a true caregiver sounds like my SIL she calls once a week and says things like well you know what ever is best for mother( YOU NOT CALLING HER CAREGIVER) would be all I can think of at the point she says that... This is the SIL that helps me by paying medical bills & insurance then giving me money during the month. She is her moms other caregiver she tells people. UGH! My MIL knows & says she is torture to deal with always hurrying her & has no patience. LOrd help us all..Have a great day !!!!!
Deef: Your words were so on the money. What an honest description of all you deal with everyday.. My dad had such a hard time this morning trying to eat his breakfast. Lifting his cup to drink his juice took so much effort and he gets upset when I try to help him. He just wants to do it himself, which I can understand.
Hugs to everyone, Cattails
/▌*˛˚ღ •˚ ˚just here to share a sprinkle of Love★ღ .
/ \ ˚. ★ *˛ ˚♥* ✰。˚ ˚ღ。* ˛˚ ♥ 。✰˚* ˚ ★ღ 。
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
So many good people are caring for their parents far better than their parents ever cared for them, and given the circumstances it takes every ounce of energy and love that they have to do the best they can day to day. It is never encouraging for them to be told "to remember" when for remembering to them is physical, mental, or even sexual abuse... so please stop and consider all possibilities before telling people to remember. What we say to others can be more hurtful than helpful. If you really want to be supportive tell some jokes to help lift peoples spirits, or just plain out ask if there is anything you can say or do to be helpful.
Just a quick note to say hello. Bobbie, I'm so happy to see you! I was worried since I was texting you and not getting any response.
Went to another NH today and took mom to look. She didn't seem adverse to it, but not too interested either. We go to visit another on Thursday. I'm working on some loan applications, so we will see if I can buy our house and finance mom's care.
Going to watch the finale for Dancing with the Stars. Its a good group so it will be interesting to see who wins.
Have a good night!
Love ya,
Diane
Diane You already sound better so glad you let us know Ive had you in my thoughts & prayers!!!!
Hope you cattails is having a great evening!!! My son came and got our one year old female puppy tonight. It's a good thing, he has her brother & was talking about getting another dog. And He is why we got our dog because he had my daughter with him when he picked his up & she wanted it at 10 years old he got big on her before we knew it and very hyper She sweet though but my son & his girlfriend are great kids and they treat there dog like a baby. Our dogs love each other too and he lives 2 hours away so when they use to get together they really wore there selfs out so I'm sure the 4 of them will have a high strung week But, It is really going to help me out. I've really got great kids. My 20 year old has been stepping up spending more time with her sister who is 10 since MIL is here. Cattails grandaughter story got me thinking I'm proud of mine to there pretty good eggs as my grandma use to call me. Ha Have a good evening all..
I was upset yesterday that "everyone" is opting for NH placement, but now it seems like a good idea for most people. The elder needs a lot of care , and the daughter or son should be able to live their life too. I guess what was upsetting me was losing friends on here, who have developed a similar sense of humor about the grossness of it all.
Watched Dancing with the stars last night, good show.
I could think of no better group to ask this question to. Your input is very important to me cause I luv you all.
xo
-SS
I am sad today. Our cousin who is about 68 just found out she has 6 months to live. Right out of the blue! She is sooooo sad and so are all of us. Please forgive me Lord-but I am really questioning the reasoning behind this! Not that there really is any reason. But here we caregivers all are, with our "charges" who have very little quality of life-yet they just keep living! My counselor says that my mom is just not ready to die. What the hell does that mean? She has a choice?
So yesterday I told mom I wanted to look into an adult day care for a couple afternoons a week if possible. She is NOT a morning person! Her reaction? "You wanna get rid of me!" I said "Mom, don't you want to be around people and do interesting things besides watch TV all the time?" She said "No, I am happy doing what I do here." Then she asked me, "Aren't you happy?" I just looked at her and said, "Mom, I am bored to tears. And lonly. I need time away." Just cause her quality of life sucks doesn't mean mine has to. She has chosen this. She has been saying no for years to anything I want to do with her or have suggested she do. Or, she had her headache and couldn't go... always an excuse. Now I guess it is time for me to choose something else for her and not let her have an excuse-for both our sakes! She later told me that if I want her to go to daycare then she will. Lips persed, eyes lowered. So, I have contacted one to see what the deal is. She won't be happy at first but will get used to it I am sure. I think the stimulation will be good for her. She was a nurse and when she sees sick people-the nurse in her comes out-so I am sure she will have stories to share when she gets home. (If she remembers!) Anyway...I am just so tired. Our cousin dying makes no sense. She loves life, has interests and (was) in great health! Maybe someday it will all come clear to me...but for now I am baffled! And sad. Mame
sorry to hear about your cousin's prognosis. sucks for sure.
Man, we know that nothing about life is fair and your questioning the reasoning requires no plea for forgiveness. But there isn't any reason. That's the cosmic joke. Life your life with joy because this is it.
I hope your cousin does some stuff she has always wanted to do in the time she has and you are able to join in.
Also it is great to see that you are going to get daycare for your mom. Of course she doesn't want to go but so what? You don't necessarily want to be nailed to the floor 24/7 taking care of her either so something has to give.
You understanding that you have a choice is vital to your survival. You have survival instincts and all you have to do is listen to them when they kick in. Not listening to your survival instincts turns you into a victim. Screw that.
Congratulations on making that move!
Placement is a good idea when you can pull it off and so is daycare and any other distraction that you, as a caregiver, can come up with FOR YOU. There are resources out the wazoo for the elderly but very few for the caregiver. In a few years there will be more programs to protect the caregiver but right now you protect yourself or you will be sucked into the void of someone else's long slow death and when you get to the other side you will realize that it was all unfair, unbalanced and unjust.
Take it from those of us who have been there and done that.
Choose Life. Yours!
OK, here's an idea that I love:
AMC Theatres has what they call the Stubs program. You buy the card (10-12 bucks) and get to see first run movies at a substantial discount. After you spend 100 bucks you get a free movie or 10 bucks credit can't remember...Where I am now all movies before 6pm on weekdays cost 5 bucks instead of 10. If you go with someone you can take their cash, buy their tickets and get to your 100 bucks faster!
I call it film therapy. I will go to the movies alone at the drop of a hat. I will also go to a little cafe or restaurant alone with a book or notebook and not give a tinker's damn whether I'm alone or not. All I know is that I got out of the house (off the boat), had a good time and did something I wanted to do without waiting for someone else to make up their minds or get their ass in gear. Put your mom in daycare and go take a Nascar class for the afternoon... whatever you can do.
Film Therapy. oh ya. Gonna see Battleship next.... There's a shock haha.
Thanks everybody for the shout outs, sure is sweet to know that I have some good buddies here. Makes a world of difference and I thank you all again from the bottom of my soul.
lovbob
bobbie - big hugs to u dear . glad you kneed that guy , bet he aint grinnin anymore . lalala ... going to movies sounds great !
been going to casino hopin to win . nope my sister wins ! i only won one time out of 5 yrs worth , shit , 20 bucks is all i play . someday theyre gonna hand me a big ole fat check .
ssk- am glad ure back and keepin in touch . i know its sad when elders is headin for nh . not all can handle it . some parents are just plaine mean and has no respect and doesnt appreicate it . my pa always thanked me for everything . give him a bite he says thank you and anuther bite thank u linda . give him a drinkw ith a straw , thank you linda . oh lord i miss my daddy , i like my freedom but hell im at home al the time ! whats the diffrents ? hang in there ssk , youre a girl with a big heart . youre a sweetheart !
flex- i hope u do find a perfect nh for ur mom . it ll give u peace and burden off ur shoulders , you have too much stuff on ur plate to deal with daily , i know u will go ck on ur mom as much as u can . screw them siblings , do what bobbie said , fed x those diapers ohh lala .... id love to see their face when they open the packages hahahahaha .
cricket . love that sprinkle of love !! im pourin the love on you . :-) ..
ok supper time , whats for supper ? pork chop .. burp .
xoxox
I thought I'd check-in while I am cooking. I'm not in the mood to cook, so lord help mom and bf just what they get. At least bf is grilling the chicken, They are getting a mix of veggies - eggplant, mushrooms, spinach with tomato and onions as a side. Really for a fat woman I eat very healthy. Just too much of it though.
Bobbie, it doesn't phase me to go do things by myself anymore. There used to be a time it bothered me, but not anymore. I'll have to see if I can get back into doing things when mom gets settled in the NH. Until then I have no social life to worry about.
Linda don't work too hard and give yourself heat stoke. Bobbie already tried that before. I'm glad to see a lot of the "oldies" back on line. The newbies are great, but I've missed my old buddies. Anyone heard from our Cali gals Christina and Pirate? I got an email from Rip and I see her posting on FB.
I'll have to go look for Selfishsibs question and post my reply. I think losing my family has been the hardest thing to face in my role as a caregiver.
Have a good evening dear ones and I'll check-in tomorrow.
Love ya,
Diane
Quick hello cause I've been working in the yard all day and need to go see my Mother before they have dinner. Nice to see Bobbie and Linda and lots of newbies since last I visited.
School is out for a month and I'm working on a couple of kitchen and bath designs in conjunction with my husband's construction remodels, some landscape and window treatments. Both of us are very busy, more jobs pouring in.
I got an "A" in Biological Anthropology and a B in Geology. I did not read enough, honestly, or I could have gotten a better grade. I was stressed out over a few things out of my control, kept procrastinating and avoiding a simple thing like sitting down, reading and taking notes. Anyway, I learned my lesson, changed my study habits, and started focusing on the present moment, being happy happy:)
I asked doctor to decrease Mother's Depakote, he did, and she is a bit more alert the last 2 weeks. While the physical stress from caring for her myself is gone but not forgotten, the emotional stress seeing her so scrunched up and blabbering gets to me every visit, and I end up crying. Don't think that will change, but I know I am doing all I can to love her and spend time with her, and her physical needs are being met. She seems happy. Maybe just happy to be alive, even though she has a limited existence.
More later. Much love to all you wonderful caregivers, Crew of this fine BOAT.
Love,
Christina xo
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.
Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.
In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.
For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: Port Left, Starboard Right
lovbob
“Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one".
ok, this next one is for the Cuz:
Two fishermen were sitting by the side of a river both holding fishing poles with line in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
With a guilty voice one says, "We don't have one."
"If your going to fish in this state, you need fishing licenses. I'm going to have to issue both of you a ticket." said the Game Warden.
The second fisherman speaks up, "But officer, we aren't fishing. We have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up the lines and sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"It's nice to see people with good values, I wish more were like you," the Game Warden said as he turned and left with a smile.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the both fishermen started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," one said.
"Yeah!" said the other, "It's a good thing he didn't know there are Steelhead trout in this river!"
next I had to call my sister who is POA. The cash is getting scarce and the bills are piling up, so we need to take a penalty on Mom's IRA and pull some cash out now. This time next year the whatever is left will finally be penalty free and we can transfer it from the insurance company, back to the bank. Long story short, my sister made me feel like a criminal and wanted to know what had changed from last year to make the $$ so tight now. She monitors Mom's checking account that I make all her deposits to and pay all her bills from. I told her remember we drained all the bank accounts and she just has her monthly income which does not cover all the expenses. Then after I got off the phone, I went through the checkbook and e-mailed her a list of unexpected expenses over the last 6 months, that totaled close to $3000. SOB!!!!! I gave up my job 5 years ago and am so far in debt because of it. No one visits or even tries to help with Mom's paperwork. My name is on everything, so guess who will be in trouble if Mom goes into a NH? me of course!!! I will have to answer for every penny spent. I was near tears all morning after this deal. I have no $$ and Mom's checking account is empty until the 1st. I have to pay Merry on Friday and all of Mom's bills by Tuesday. Her reimbursement check from her LTC is 2 weeks late besides!
By supper time I just said "F" it to the whole mess. It's not worth losing my mind over. Things will work out somehow.
Diane, I wish you luck in finding a good NH for your mom. I know you won't be happy until you feel it's the right one for her. I watched the final "Dancing with the Stars" It was great!
Mame, definitely get your mom to daycare, My mom is a handful, but they are great with her there. She goes M, W, F, from 9 to 3 and is pretty wiped out by the time I pick her up.At first she didn't like it, as she was still somewhat coherent and cognizant of where she was and she was not one to socialize much. After a while she came to like going. Now she asks me the same things every day. Whose car is this? Where are we going? What's this place? I used to get lots done while she was there, but now that my husband has been out of work for over a year, I don't get much done. I did manage to get 12 pairs of curtains washed and ironed and back up in my clean windows last week.
Sskape, I'll be like you, sticking it out with Mom until the end if I can. She was sounding nasty tonight from her cold. I may need to get her to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it doesn't turn into pneumonia. I was so nasty and sticky today, that I carried Mom's and my bedroom air conditioners up from the cellar and got them into the windows while my husband was out playing cards. Easier to get things done when he's not around to supervise, if you know what I mean!
Tbaily, sounds like you done good with your kids!!!
Nance!!!! How are you?
Linda, Love going to the casino, but only play so much too! I like the penny and 1/2 penny slots. $20 goes a long way!
Cricket, My daughter and sil and I planted our garden on Sunday. We have beans, radishes, tomatoes and green peppers as usual. My daughter wanted cukes and squash too, but I told her they would take over the whole garden. So I decided since we had this big spot in the yard that never grows grass, we might as well dig it up and make a squash-cucumber patch. So we did! I already have tiny cherry tomatoes on 2 of the plants.
Christina, Chemical "restraints" is the main reason I won't put Mom into a NH. She is too busy for them to keep an eye on at all times.
Bobbie!!!!! Good jokes! I used to hate going anywhere alone, but now I get in my car and take off to parts unknown, just to get away from my husband's constant chatter. I would give my right arm for some time alone!
Austin, Did I hear you lost your man friend? Got one here you can have anytime!!!
Okay, need to get a few things done before bed. Hope you all have a peaceful night.