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Tim: I have been thinking about your post for a while now. First of all, you are in pain and unfortunately, there will be more to come. My heart goes out to you on so many levels. This will sound weird, but it has meaning to me. Sometimes I think of people in pain the way I think of an animal who has been shot or injured. They are in shock and pain and they just run. They don't know where they are going, they just want to get away from the pain. I love animals so to see them hurt or running scared just breaks my heart. So for me, that analogy touches me deeply.

I don't know how long you have been with Laura or if both of her children are also yours. From what you have shared, I think you have coped with her illness and all the ups and downs by being in charge of her care. She has been your focus and you have been involved with every aspect of her illness, the decisions made, the hopes and the daily care she has received. So you have been very busy.

There is nothing more for you to do for Laura, but be by her side, hold her hand and let her know you love her. This is a meaningful role, but it is so passive compared to what you have been doing for so long. You can not distract yourself with all the many things you did for her before because that job is now done.

It can be amazingly difficult to find so much time on your hands and to be taken from a roll that you dedicated yourself to. I am just wondering if your rush to sell your belongings and move out of your home is more about a need to be busy. Your empty home, which is un-peopled right now, is a place to focus your pain. I'm wondering if, in time, it might also be a comforting place with some good memories. Even if it isn't, to leave it behind so abruptly might increase your feelings of loss. Sometimes it's better to just stay quiet and give yourself some time before making big changes. If the children will be living with you, they may need some time to process all that has taken place and familiar surroundings are grounding in the face of loss and part of the healing process.

None of this may apply to you and I was unsure that it was appropriate to post this message to you because I don't know you personally and because you are in such a fragile state right now. Please forgive me if I sound like I'm lecturing. That's not my intention.

I worked with many families that went through the horror of seeing their child stricken with cancer and eventually losing the battle to that terrible disease. My heart would just break for them. Often, they had spent several years or more completely absorbed in the day in, day out, care of their child. Who wouldn't be totally focused on their child's care and all the hospitalizations. The hospital social workers, doctors, nurses and staff became a second family to them. The other kids in the family suffered from the fact that their parent's attention was so focused on the child who was sick. It just can't be helped and the parents suffered too knowing that their other children needed them.

I know of many parents, especially moms, who when their child passed away were at a total loss about what they should do when they got up in the morning. Many wanted to go back to the hospital. It had been their life for so long and they knew other families there. They had become bonded to so many in that setting, like many of us here on AC are, but much more so.

Even though their other children were still waiting to be seen, the focus was still on the lost child. It takes time to over come loss. It takes time. Laura's children are victims here too. Again, I don't know if you are their biological dad, but either way, you have to be a huge part of their lives. They will benefit from you being with them and present to hear their voices and see their faces. They need some time too.

Again, I apologize if I have overstepped my place here. I want to be supportive because I care about you. If anything in this post is helpful, then I'm glad I posted. If not, just kick it to the curb and know that I meant well.

Love and peace to you, Cattails
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I just read Timsherwood's post again. It's been a half processed thought of mine since the first time I read the post and there have been other posts that I've read indicating that the caregiver isn't related to the person they are caring for. I know from a familial standpoint that caring for someone is HARD. Caring for someone who isn't related to you and developing feelings for them over the time you're taking care of them only to be told you're "no longer needed"....in my mind it almoost seems harder. You feel like family to that person you've been caring for but you don't have the same rights as the family. In some cases you've been doing more for that person that their own family has, but that family gets to come in and just toss you out. Somehow, that just seems so much harder than me just caring for my mom. hugs, kisses and all that. For anyone that has the heart and gonads to take on such a self-sacrificing position in life, you have my heartfelt thanks that people like you exist.
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lildeb, yeah..did I forget to mention that the dishes that i didn't wash the night before (cuz I was soooo exhausted that I'm weaving on my feet and blurry eyes)..I try to wash as much as I can while waiting for the waffles to pop up, and trash taken care of. Still muttering in my head that sis could help a bit more..she no longer empties the left over food in the sink drain. She used to do that too. So, now when I come home and fix dinner for dad & I, I have to unclog the drain because it's so full of food - it's packed down tight.

I don't know why she's slacking off. I mean, the more money I pay, the slacker she becomes. I've been brainstorming about this for a few days now. Sis was like this the last time she moved in. It got so bad, she was absolutely no help at all and became just an extra mouth to feed. Finally, my dad called her daughter and said to come and get your mom. Dad and I have no room for slackers or hanger ons here. Caregiving is very exhausting, and every help counts and expenses are high. We can't afford nor need slackers.

Sigh...oldest sis will be moving in permanently in December. Her daughter is planning to marry and "she needs to have her own life" and they only have enough room in her fiance's house for his parents. No room for her mom - my oldest sis. Therefore, sis will be moving here. Whoopee!! (NOT!!!)
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Good Morning Crew!

Tim,
I sold everything and ran after my mom died and regret it terribly. Decisions during duress are squirrely at best. In retrospect I would have been better off staying in the house with the what seemed like painful memories but just needed time for me to heal properly and settle into my 'new normal'.
My present 'new normal' is way more upsetting and painful than if I had just closed the house and taken the time I needed somewhere and then come back. I only realized it all after it was way too late and the house was gone and all of my family memories were gone too. It was the hardest thing I ever did and it is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life second only to doing the 24/7/365 caregiving to my mom, whom I loved very much, but shouldn't have ruined my health and future for. Not an hour goes by where I don't regret it and now what I have created is just another thing to grieve.
Love ya Tim and don't know you but have an appreciation for the intense pain that you are in.

lovbob
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Morning Crew,

Bobbie, thanks for sharing that part of your experience. Even in my own past experience I learned how the phase after our loved one is gone is extremely difficult.
Cat and Victoria, I find your words to Tim are very comforting to me as well.

I just returned home after having my labs done. Next week I will be talking to my Doctor again and she said I might be ready to take off of the meds for diabetes, or at least lower the doses considerable, Yay! happy dance!! I've been working for the last two years really hard to reverse my diabetes and it's finally starting to pay off. When at the lab I noticed I was talking the technician's ears off, lol It's time for me to get a couple of hours out of the house and mingle with people. Love you all.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
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As I reread my above post I have to say that I do have longer and longer periods of sanity but just know that I made a huge error in cutting and running. The whole caregiving and demented mom situation made me so insane that I started making those plans when mom was still alive and the only way I could figure to deal with it all was to run away from everything. You can see the whole thought process near the beginning of the thread. I was nuts.
Oops.
Now you guys have a shot of not ever feeling like this.
lovbob
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Bobbie: Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. It's always valued and helpful to all of us. Love, Cat
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Cricket: Good for you!!!! That is awesome.
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Hi everyone!
Been an insane week here and have had no time to write. Mom had her tooth extraction yesterday and it went better than I expected. Today is a little different-more of what I expected yesterday...feeling dizzy and sleeping a lot. She was kinda high on it all yesterday-she was really anxious about it-so today is her down day I guess. I am glad that is over.

Tim-I am soooo sorry for all you are going through. My heart goes out to you!

Welcome Onlyme. Can definitely feel your pain here! As you have learned-we are all going through it... Welcome Bayoubaby too!

Jen-glad you are getting back up on your feet! Wade in the water next time ok?!

Cricket-so happy about the diabetes reverse! That is one of the reasons I am doing WW-cause I am afraid I am getting close to having it...want to keep it away!
Bookworm-so sorry the sibling is slacking off. Amazing how they can be isn't it? I will never get it and have thankfully given up trying.
Diane-keep up the good fight girl! I hope you can get some sleep and relief. Keep us posted!
Cuz-loved the jokes! Was gonna post one my hubby sent me but I thought it was a little too off color and I would get banned!
Lildeb-hope mil bladder infec is gone quickly!
Austin-felt such pain for you reading about how hubby was when he died. I am sooo sorry.
Cat-any luck with the WW website?
Hey to Tbailey, Judy, Victoria and Linda. If I missed anyone-I am sorry! Hope you can all have a moment of peace this weekend! Check out the full moon!
Love, Mame
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Part of my post is missing! Bobbie-you are a wealth of knowledge and I thank you for sticking with this site and helping us all out and advocating for us! Love ya! Mame
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Kelley Bean, Bobbie 321, Pamela 6148, Nancy H and mizunderstood10 We find comfort here, we laugh with each other and we sometimes cry with each other
and most of the times we feel each other 's pain.vThank God for agingcare.com.
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Cricket -good for you-it is hard to reverse diabetis-my husband did not try very hard and that is one reason he died at 71. I am very proud of you for your hard work-it will make such a difference in your health in the years to come.
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"Wade in next time...." Hmmnn mebyee...just fall over, not jump perhaps...
Got notice of play entry and fee from one of submission theatres..so onward....
Watching Olympics
Go Gabby!!!
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You guys are amazing.

Jen!! that is great news! A very exciting thing indeed.

Mame, thanks. You are so thoughtful.
Austin how's it going up there?
Cuz! love to J and Diane and your mom and everyone. How is Diane Doing. What a major thing to go through and she is so strong. Good support system in place, yay!

Cricket it really is amazing what we can do. I really admire your strength and determination. Good Stuff! Congrats on making that difference for you.

Thanks for coming by lillyvalley and I hope you stick around. Vent and Live.

Really looking forward to seeing Jen's play produced.

Got Tim and Laura in my thoughts. Anyone heard anything? Tough tough and sad sad.

Love ya meanwhile

love ya Everybody and I hope all are doing as well as possible.

Boat will be available for boat time in the Fall and will be south of where it is now.

lovbob
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Hi Bobby: Does your new Fall location give you any weather benefits? Protection from storms or not so much heat. It it's South of your location, maybe hotter? What prompted you to relocate? Is this temporary or permanent? Just thinking of you and the boat and wondering. Love, Cat
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I sent this to the ones on this site that I have e-mail addresses and wanted to add it to everyone on this site. I thought it was a very good explaination and I hope it will be the answer to many of your thoughts and questions.
lovCuz

~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT


A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to
Leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side..'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'
'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,
and don't know what's on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;
On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside..
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of death,
But I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

(sorry - cannot break this)
May today there be peace within you.

May you trust God that you are exactly

Where you are meant to be..

I believe that friends are quiet angels

Who lift us to our feet when our wings

Have trouble remembering how to fly.

Just pass this on...
Thank you!!!
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Just got back from taking Indio to the eye doctor. We stayed overnight at his sister's house, At 2 in the morning he had an insulin reaction. His sister didn't know what to do. There was no soda, or juice in the house. I finally found a can of pineapple in her pantry. Indio has had diabetes for 20 years, and it is getting worse. I don't want to take care of someone else, but I care so much for him, I have to try.
Tim, everyone handles loss in their own way. People talked me into going to a grief support group, and it was horrible for me. Couldn't stand to go back after the 1st meeting.(cartoons worked better for me). Your a wonderful, caring person, I know Laura was better off for you coming into her life. You do what you need to do. The group will be here for you.
Jen, glad to hear your mending. You go girl.
Cuz, loved the jokes.
Bobbi, thanks for starting this group, you saved my life.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. Love to all
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G'morning. Meanwhile-so sorry about Indio. Hang in there! My sister wants to go horseback riding one time this summer. We just trail ride but I love to be on a horse...made me think of yours!
Cuz-that is really beautiful...but I have to admit-I was waiting for the punchline! Seriously tho-I read it to my son and husband...loved it!
Hello Lillyvalley! And to everyone else. Gonna be a hot weekend here! Ugh! Wish I had some water to wade in!! Mame
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Hi all! Sorry I have been missing. Sometimes I just can't deal so I stay away. Dad (in NH), has been particularly horrible. Demanding he go home. He's been there 7 months. They told me takes people about 90 days to come to terms with the fact that they are long term . Not him! And I get it. I mean, who would really want to acknowledge that. We have no choice. No money for a caregiver and, my 84 year old mother can't handle him plus they rent from year to year and they have no permanent housing plan. He can't walk or care for himself personally...blah blah blah.....Anyway, I get so tired of going to see him and all I hear is complaining and nasty comments about the nurses and the doctors. He calls them nasty names to their face! All his inhibition is gone. I'm told that is a dementia thing. And every time I say, "Dad, I told have any alternatives," he said "Bullshit." So frustrating. So yesterday, I go see him and he's all happy but now he's talking in riddles. Says he's going to get a job and drive a car again.....what? He goes from the present to the past in seconds, all confused, and I just nod and say "Ok". This is a new thing. Trying to learn how to deal with this. No word from either sibling going on 2.5 years now. Wow, they still suck....who knew? I love these other threads that ask "How do I get my siblings to help?" FORGET IT!!! NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN...just let it go.....

My mom, on the other hand, has recently been doing a really great job of being independent. I'm so proud of her.I set up town services to take her here and there and they help her do her errands and go to local doctor appointments and then I fill in when she needs me to. Used to be the other way around. So that has been a big help.

Luv to all - enjoy the weekend.

xo - SS
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SS I am so sorry about your Dad-maybe you should just not go and see him very often-that is what I learned to do with the husband but his mind was sharp and just enjoyed being mean to me-I would stay away for days and if I got a nasty call from him on the answermaching I woule add a day or two of not going--and I am so glad you Mom is doing better-it is probably a relief for her not to have to deal with him.
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Austin- thank u so much for checking in. I appreciate it. Yeah, I did stay away and then I felt guilty cause I'm all he has, me and Mom that is. So my siblings haven't seen him in over 2 years and they don't feel guilty!! Just shows how different people can be. Anyway, Dad's nasty to Mom, too, when I bring her over to the NH. So sad after 58 years of marriage, right? ....but today is a beautiful day. I'm going to go buy more beach towels and hit up our local Farmer's market for some fresh tomatoes.

Enjoy the day and love to all!

-SS
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Hi Y'all,
It's Saturday morning and all is quiet in SC......for now :)

I went to make myself a cup of coffee and damn, I'm out. My b/f made me a cup of instant which isn't quite the same, but the intention is sweet. Something is blowing in the air that has my asthma stirred up so I'm hacking away. I'm just basking in my quiet time right now. I should get my ass up and go into the office and work on some itineraries.
Amazingly my brother stayed with mom for a little last night so I could get my grocery shopping done. I'm not sure if mom talked to him much or slept, but at least it made him spend more than 15 minutes with her. He doesn't realize these quick visits that I call his 15 minutes of absolution really throw her off. Also, somewhere inside, she comprehends that he isn't spending time with her. She makes comments to the two young women that are her caregivers while I am at work.
I'm happy to say that I'm in a better mental state than I was last Friday. It's amazing what a little sleep can do for you! I think my latest blackhole episode was mostly due to lack of sleep. Thank you all for your love and support. You have no idea how much you all keep me going.

Let me see if I can get my but in gear and try get something accomplished today. Have a good day all!

Love ya,
Diane
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Diane,
Thanks for chiming in! Hey,...... I was in a black hole too! What-do-ya know!! I didn't see you there!! LOL And I too, think it has past for now. Whew....

xo
-SS
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Hey SS,
Good to see you and when you are feeling like you are, this is when you should come here and spend some time with like minded individuals. So don't think you have to be anything but what you are feeling at the moment. Glad you are Venting and Living.

Think this over as you come to terms with your relationship with your dad. Somethings we cannot change and remember that Serenity Prayer?
...and the wisdom to know the difference.

All you can do is make him comfortable and keep him safe and you have. It's ok and here's why:

your dad is Demented.

de·ment·ed/diˈmentid/


Adjective:

Suffering from dementia.
Driven to behave irrationally due to anger, distress, or excitement.

Synonyms:
mad - crazy - insane - lunatic - daft.

Read the above as many times as it takes for you to understand that this has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with what you are doing to make your dad safe and what you are doing to try to make him happy.

Make YOU happy while you are dealing with this. You're in front of a disease that will never make sense except for the guarantee that it will never make sense.

Love you SS and thinkoftheboat.
love you guys.
lovbob
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For those that read that definition part about a day or so ago please forgive. This disease is making more and more people crazy on a minute to minute basis.
lovbob
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Hi Crew,

SS and Diane, I'm glad to hear you are both doing better. The black hole unfortunately is where we all find ourselves from time to time but it's not the place any of us want to hang out. xoxo

Meanwhile, sorry to hear Indigo is having difficulties. If caregiving for another loved one is placed on your path then only you can decide your course. Either way you know you are home with us and we are here for you. xoxo

Captain Bobbie, Our Reverend Bobbie, you will be coming further south? Yeehaw! How far south? I hope that means that you will be closer to me. If so, it will be nice to have a quick getaway for both of us. xo

Cat, I just want you to know how much I really appreciate the love you show to everyone here... and yes you do ask a lot of questions but your motives for doing so are very clear to me. Sometimes people are so buried in their own pain that it's hard for them to vent and share and for them it's great to have someone like you drawing them out and then really being able to offer suggestions. Not everyone needs this but it's good that you are here for the ones that do. xoxo

Crew, have a nice day today... oh and for some laughs go check out the Caregiver Olympics thread.. my post there was lame, lol it was 2am when I posted but there are some really funny posts! Love you all.
*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ
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Bobbie, Cricket, everyone. Luv u tons. Bobbie, thank you for taking the time to respond so very honestly and thoughtfully. It made me cry. Crying is good. Since I posted this morning, I saw a friend, in a store, that I haven't seen in three years. One thing lead to another and discovered she is in the beginning stages of being a caregiver . Oh , Lordy!!! I told her every family has a different story. Every circumstance is different. Don't spend time hating on those siblings that don't help, they never will. And just know ,that in the end, you will have no regrets. I also told her how I helped my Mom "help herself" and when I realized dad could no longer live in the community. These are horrible, wicked decisions that some of us, (not all of you), have to make. Like I said, every situation is different. But if I can help one person, like you ALL have helped me, then I'm a better person for it.

xo
-SS
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SS it was great you met your friend at just the right time to give her support as she starts this hard journey-as time goes on she will need your expertise more and more -that is a great gift to give to someone-it may make all the difference in the world to her and someday she will be able to pay it forward.
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SS I am sorry the placement has made your dad so mad. I imagine he is resentful, old, angry, fed up, now in a nursing home setting, but his resentment is Not your responsibility. You want him to be safe and looked after and get the best care possible. He may not see that but it is true. Not sure there is anything to do, visit, make him as comfortable as possible and know you are doing your best.
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Bookworm, I would let sis know just how you feel and tell her just what u said, "Caregiving is very exhausting, and every help counts and expenses are high. We can't afford nor need slackers." Maybe that will wake her up n I wouldn't give any more $ than what you told her until or if she helps on other things.
Cricket, that is awesome news about your diabetes n getting the meds reduced. I bet you feel a lot better too.
I have been going onto the alz.org post as well learning new things n meeting other people. It is not as easy to find your post like it is here n you do have to watch what u type as of certain words for they will delete the post n that is understandable. It just another place to be able to visit while stuck at the house with the mil.
Mame, Mil as not been diagnosed yet with a bladder infection but from past experience i am pretty sure she has it. she don't complain though when i ask her questions n I have got her drinking more water too. I am just shocked that the clinic hasn't called about her results n prescribed something at r pharmacy? Being she is not complaining, I guess we will find out on her appt on 15th.

I have to go to my yearly check-up for heart dr next week and diabetic specialist n that is going to be fun for my b/s having been like a rollar coaster for past two months n my fault not handling my health better. I was in one of those bad depressed moods this AM. I didn't get out the front porch quick enough to listen to the birds sing with my coffee n I just sat at the table like a dumb-ass n wander why I continue to take all these freaking 12 pills in AM n 6 PM n the insulin shots just to stay alive. How come I couldn't been normal like other folks? I know I am thankful n blessed to be able to live to see age 40 and now at age 47. I know if I don't take care of the mil then who will, Hubby? Ha, that's a joke! I know that the boys have my dad living with my aunt n her husband temporarily, the same ones that got thrown off the property by the sm. Bless their heart for my dad has a great sister. I wander if the bro's r going to leave all the responsibiltiy on my aunt to take care of dad. We all know how someone get chose to be the caregiver and usually that it is it for you r the carefiver forever. She has already taking care of her own mom with AD and this is not fair if they do leave it on her. Temp is fine but I don't hear any future plans. Supposely my dad had that cognitive test but we haven't heard anything. I thought about bringing him up here but then their is the sm n I cannot handle two people with AD yet, that sounds like a cop-out for he is my dad.That bothers me a lot. For now the sm is still in the rehab n she is getting in a wheel chair with help but she talks out of her head sometimes. I think the sun has really fried some of her brain cells. I finally got out of that depressing rut around noonish by cutting our yard n hubby actually helped too. I still have this sinus crap going on too. Yet, it is only stuff up nose at night n little tight feeling in chest where I guess it is trying to break up n snorting like a pig from the allergies. Cutting the grass probable didn't help either. At least I am not sneezing with water eye n itchy ears anymore. Oh, we do have an appointment set-up for next wk also with an elderly law attorney to make sure we got r financial stuff in order. Enough of me rambling like idiot. I hope everyone is able to get a restful night sleep.
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