Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Diane, does your state have insurance plans for those who can't afford it on their own? My husband and I just applies for insurance through the state of Mass. Because they made it a law that everyone has to have health insurance in this state, they have to offer affordable plans for those who need it. Just so happens that after they saw our 2011 tax returns and the fact that my husband is considered long-term unemployed, we are eligible for the state plan at a $0 cost for monthly premiums. We will have very reasonable co-pays for doctor visits and scripts and can keep our doctors and hospital!!! Finally!!! Some good news!! Call your local hospital financial counselor and tell her your story and see if they can help you. With so many people in dire need right now, new programs are always popping up to help. We should be good to go with premium free health insurance by October 1st. This is such a relief with the cold season looming upon us.
Even though my mom can no longer voice if she wants to walk or not, she does enjoy getting out of her wheelchair occasionally. She is just too far gone for it to be safe even with help. She gets distracted by every little thing and grabs at anything and everything as we walk her along. It has come to the point that we stand behing her and wrap her arms around her sides to keep her from reaching and pulling us down with her. Her left side is weaker due to the PD and she always leans over a bit to the left, especially later in the day. She was all hands last night and it was all I could do to wash and diaper her and get her into bed. And she only weighs around 105, so I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I know it's going to be tough on you working less, by see if you can collect the difference through unemployment. Also, how about daycare in your area? I may have to put mom in another day when her LTC runs out. Have you checked to see if your Mom's will reimburse for home care? They will not reimburse for a family member, but will for a home health aid. Mom's plan has been paying for Merry for the past 3 years. I know we had to prove 100 dates of service to activate the policy, but that includes hospital stays, rehab, and every day you can prove you paid someone to sit with her. It could mean a big difference for you if her LTC started to pay for help instead of coming out of your pocket.
Great joke Judy!
Meanwhile, you are patient! I would have taken Mom to the ER for a catheter. So much faster and more reliable.There is no way I could get Mom to pee in a cup anymore. You might try to get a toilet "hat" for at home. You just put it under the seat and when she goes you have the specimen without the hassle. They are very cheap at the pharmacy and come in very handy.
Time to turn in. The tomato ferry left me a big bag of roma tomatoes, so it looks like another batch of salsa tomorrow!

Diane - it's a good thing you're doing something for yourself now. I didn't and have paid the price. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist since April and am only beginning to see some light at the end of the tunnel. You can never get help too soon. I thought GO was all I needed. Please don't get me wrong, it was my lifeline for sooo many months, but I found it wasn't enough when the caregiving was all said and done. Actually tried hypnosis yesterday. On some levels, I think it helped but am so skeptical that I'm not sure if it was the hypnosis or simply me wanting so much to believe it helped. I guess only time will tell. As Bobbie says, PTSD at its' worse. Not only are we suffering from PTSD but we are so emotionally and physically exhausted that we are truly in survival mode for far too long. Love to all of you still caregiving for others, I wish you sleep, peace, at least a few happy moments and that you forever recognize that you are doing something not everyone can. Love you all, Kuli

Austin, don't you just want to shake them. They want to run to the Doctor, for everything, but won't follow the Doctors advise. Of course, my husband refused to go at all, at least until it was too late.

kuli - well said .. my body is torn up , cant work`` well i can if i wanna cry , i have my good days and bad days ,
10 yrs of working in a factory , keeping up with the damn robots . way too fast , fast pace my ass . dad got me outta there bless his herat ,, i sure miss him and i would do it over again if we are allowed to change the clock back ,
takin care of my dad was well worth it , i cheerish every moments .
i took care of him out of love and i didnt care if it made my body got hurt or when im in bad sufferin . there was pain meds for it , i just keep a going ,
zoom zoom :-) ...
i can only do so much then i hurt all over . i keep a going , like what flex said , pick her up and in her recliner and up again and tuck em in bed ohh wait a min , dont forget bathroom lalala .. it sure was a hellva job . i ADMIRE for who s doing the caregiving . 24-7 ...
THOSE WERE THE DAYS ,,,,, yep damned if you do damed if you dont .
hang in there u guys , blink of an eye they ll be gone . its coming slowly then BAM moms gone dad s gone . waaaaaaaaaaaaaa
love you all xoxo

cattails - u once said that u had to call the siblings to come n see dad , then dad perked up , mine did the same thing , it was exciting to see the kids .
it the rush . kinda flip ya out for a while then its back to dying again ,
they have thier moments , bless thier soul .. xoxo

Kuli: Your post really touched my heart. You are so right, we are in survival mode for so long and it takes a big toll. Hard to put the pieces back together. I'm glad to hear that you are making some progress. Why does that have to be such hard work too? Don't know, it just is.

Linda, thanks for your comment. I have one brother here v


Deef: Thank God for the health insurance you found. I am so happy for you. What a burden that has lifted from your tired shoulders. Your suggestions to Diane gave me some hope that MAYBE there is something to help her through this ordeal.

Diane: I hope Deef's comments prove fruitful to you. You get 5 stars for getting into a support group. You'll be face to face with a small group of people who get it and I've no doubt they will love you as much as we all do. I know it's hard, but just trust that God is with you. He/she is and has your hand. So do we. Just keep taking those steps forward for yourself. As they said at the Democratic Convention, don't go back, go forward. That's our motto, girlfriend, and we'll do it together.

Love you all, Cat

Well, I don't know what happened to my comment above.....the part to Linda. What I was saying Linda is that I have one bro visiting who has left this morning and another brother coming in today. My sis will be a no show. I know when sibs leave it will be back to the dying and I will be the only one here to deal with it. Makes me sad to do that alone.

ure right cattails . my bro and sis was here when pa was on his way out . bro wanted to leave and i told him i d feelbetter if he stayed so he did and then pa passed . it hurts so much to watch him delcine so fast .
you ll know whenhe s passing when he is not poopin or peeing , pa was dry allnight long and the next day i change him its still dry . that is when he was leaving us to a better place .
did hospice say when he will be gone ? mine said it s just matter of hours . his oxgyen kept droppin down lower and lower . waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i know how ure feeling dear . sending my angels at your way . xoxo

Bookworm, I hope you are okay. We all know how caregiving can be overwhelming n especially when relatives don't even try to help out. You are in my prayers.
Diane, sorry u had to go part-time for employment. As for your mom wanting you to hold her for 20 minutes, good grief! That would break any person's back. I think if she wants to try n stand-up then I swing her one of those walkers. Let us know how the caregiver support group works out.

Meawhile, What a fine mess you had with her at the doctors. 3 freaking times just to get her to drink something like water. At least the dr was able to find out that she had UTI. I hope you are able to get her to drink more fluids.

Cattail, I am glad that your brother came down n that your other one is on his way. To me that show respect for his parent. Try to spend what litttle time you have with your bro's while they are with you. I am truly sorry that once the other bro goes back home that it is all back on you to deal with this heartache time. I know this is a hard time for you n I will say a prayer to give you strength as well as BookWorm.
Cattail & Linda, Try to remember that he will be going to a higher place.
Linda, sorry for your loss but you know he is at a better higher place.
Kuli, that is so sweet of you to let us caregivers know that not everyone is cut out to be one. It takes a caregiver to know a caregiver for he or she has walked in our shoes n some. I hope the therapy helps for it seems like it has already n you are here helping others. My son has PTSD from being overseas 4 times in war for over a yr per tour. My personal feelings on that is they send the same ones out too many times n don't get enough break in between. It takes a huge toll on them n their life. I was fortuate that my son was able to make it back safe.
Austin, glad to see you on here as well.
Anyone I forgot I did not do it on intention. I hope everyone has a nice day as much as possible.

Haven't written in a while but have been reading. Completely depressed. Everyone is back to school and work...alone again. Mom won't go to day care and it is too stressful to "make" her. Good lord-it is only one day a week! Had an extreme anxiety attack Tuesday...can't get my BP to come back down. Saw Dr today-left mom alone for an hour...came back to diahrea all over. Figures. That's what I get I guess. Keep thinking God must have a plan...That His timing is perfect as some say... What does she have to finish? Is she really happy? Her quality of life sucks and so does mine! I am being selfish... Just venting...wish I could have a good cleansing cry but I cannot. Sigh. Sorry for all you guys are going through! I know we are all in the same boat. Have a decent night all! Mame

Hi Crew,
Mame, I know how you feel. WTF is the purpose of this struggle! I remind myself the Lord has a plan yet to unfold to me. I went to the caregiver support group this evening and it turned out pretty good. It's a small group of about 8 people that sometimes swells to about 15. Most of the caregivers are finally at the stage their loved one is in assisted living or a nursing home. One man takes care of his wife at home still. another lady is a caregiver for her 58 year old sister who is in last stage alzheimers. Two of the ladies have mothers age 98 & 99! I'm not sure if that inspires me or defeats me to realize mom could live that long. As hard as it is to be a caregiver, I'm not ready to let her go.
Deef I will have to check with the state to see if they have any type of state insurance. I doubt it since all Nikki Haley (gov) can do is cut subsidies to everything in sight, except her pockets.
I'm watching the DNC. I have to honestly admit, this is the most interested I've been in politics in my entire life. I know we all have different views, but Obama has my vote!
Here is a real life joke for you. My boyfriend said to me get naked. No it wasn't for romance, he wanted to put the clothes I was wearing in the washer. Talk about the honeymoon is over!
I hope that gave y'all a good laugh. Have as good a night as possible!

Love ya,
Diane

Seems like it's been a rough week for everyone.
Meanwhile, you are way more patient than I am. But the important thing is you got her to drink! Oh Lord what an ordeal. xo
Mame, you sound really tired and down. I hope you can get some rest and that good cry.. it's rough when you know you need a good cry and don't even have the time to have one. I would just go to the bathroom and cry even if it's only for 3 mins. xo
Diane, I have done that with the guys too! Seems like just when I get all the clothes washed they toss in something they need now. ugh! I'm also very glad you found a support group for caregiving! And the 98 and 99 year olds...omg..I think I would react very much the same way as you. xo
Kuli, Deef, Meanwhile,Lildeb, Judy, Linda, bookworm (prayers for you), Jen, Captain Bobbie, you all have my love. It's after 1 AM so off to bed for me. Night all.

"Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend
yourself on the work before you, well assured
that the right performance of this hour's
duties will be the best preparation for the
hours or ages that follow it."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

*´¨)
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket Hugsღ

Holy Crap!
What has happened to the old tried & loved thread? Despite losing my lovable father I still check in from time to time.
Weekend evenings used to be our caregiving playground of venting, caring & laughing!
I suspect there are still thousands of isolated

& surprise ... Still fight this stupid keyboard ....
isolated Care Givers who have no outlet other than the internet! Saved us many times, huh Miz?
Hope everyone is OK ... yeah, right ... scooping poop isn't just dog sh*t ...
Love your parents the best you can.
& like Bobbie says remember to do what's right for you too!
Caregiving usually has an end - you shouldn't.
It can be a really tough road back out of the 'experience'.

Another bit of wisdom

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks,
"My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

One lesson I am painfully learning is.. don't save things thinking you might use it some day, or someone else might want it. It's all still sitting here for me to get rid of. We're getting a dumpster tomorrow. And I don't even know where I'll be moving to next!

We must all be "lurking" instead of posting. Nothing new here, just the everyday caregiver stuff. Trying to live in the present instead of mourning the loss of the past or fearing the furture. Now that the sitter is hear I'm debating whether to go back to sleep or go to church. I know which one is easier, but is it better?
Thinking of you all everyday. Keep up the good fight.
Love ya,
Diane

hello to all I hear ya Diane So I thought I would post instead of just reading Been Busy But, stressed so Ive been by just not posting ...LOve You All Happy Sunday.

Where is everyone? This thread has been downright lonely all weekend.
------------------------------
As Uncle Herman was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, You know you aren't supposed to drive! I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful and come right home!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

I'm guilty of lurking as well. But, Mom is doing better. For the time being she is trying to drink more water, and antibiotics are working. She is getting back to her cranky old self. Poor Step Dad, came over today, begging for some job he could do. He isn't up to much, but just needs to get out of the house, and away from Mom.
Got to ride the horses, went up a steep rocky hill, until we had to get off and lead the horses. Then had to tie the horses to a tree and climb the last bit. All to get to the edge of a cliff, that over looked a Mexican Eagle nest. The eagles were circling overhead. The nest was mostly a bunch of bird poop, but it was great fun.

Priest & Rabbi...

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes father, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Well, I guess the rest of you lurkers don't have anything to talk about, so let me fill in the freaking gap. I'm having a very hard time. Over the last week my two brothers have been to visit my dad. Of course, my sister is no where to be found. She will not be coming. This had brought up a lot of bad memories from when my mom died in 2008 and my sis didn't come then either.

Yes, we told her it was important and we offered to pay her way, etc. etc. She didn't come then and she's not coming now. She called this evening and I could not answer the phone. Here was her perky, dead brain voice on the recorder, "Hey guys, just calling to check in and see how you and dad are doing." Well, fuck you, you stupid bitch. If you want to know how things are going, get your stupid ass up here and see for yourself. Don't leave the burden on me and then have me repeat my life and dad's for you. It's too sad and I won't relive it just so you can feel you did your part by listening to me. So you can kiss my rosy red ass. Or as Judy would say, "I'm wearing a red thong, bent over, and have a sign on my ass that says "Kiss This."

Not very spiritual and I know I have to work on that, but right now I just want to say, Fuck You.

Well, I feel better. Hope you do too.

Cat

Cat, man do I feel your pain. I totally understand!!!! Get back to the important stuff, you and dad. How is dad doing? As best you can, just block out your sister. I know this is easier said than done. When she calls, don't answer. She doesn't deserve an explanation about anything! Don't torture yourself because of her emotional retardation. Maybe now is the time I should give you my sister's address so you can take your 2 x 4 and let your frustrations out on her...lol

I have to get ready for work but wanted to say hello to everyone. Have a great Monday!

Love ya,
Diane

Good morning all. Sorry about my last depressing post! I am a bit better now. I think I have trouble with transitions...hubby was on vacationa and had gone back to work, my sister who works in the schools went back...my son has been gone for a while...the weather is changing...I just was/am in a funk. No energy to write...But, I am trying to pull myself out. I think I am winning. :) I actually had a panic attack about all that winter will bring. Reading the Purpose Driven Life again-trying to believe that my purpose is to care for my mom-for whatever reason God may have that she continue to live...who am I to say SHE has no purpose left, right? I don't know...but that is how I am choosing to deal with the monotony and accept this choice I have made... I bought a crossword puzzle book to keep my mind active...I am so sick of all the politics in the news right now...not knowing if anyone is really telling the truth! Just need some meaningless entertainment! Ladies (and gents)-this is a tough job! God bless us everyone! HaHa... Hanging in here-please do the same!
Cat-I am so sorry about your sister. What a coward. So NOT understandable for people like us giving our whole lives and they can't give just a little time...UGH. These choices she is making-may be demons in her future-but you tried to get her here-this is all her choice...you have done what you can to get her here... Hopefully your dad is ok with her not coming or not aware. She has a choice but he doesn't and it would be sad if he is hurt by it. (I recently mentioned to mom the siblings who are not helping out-and she says, "Oh those little snips!" Then she made up a rhyming prayer to try and get them here! It was adorable. The next weekend, one of those brothers came by for a quick visit...his wife cares for her father who is still in his home. Mom told my bro that his wife was going to heaven-but she wasn't so sure where my bro would end up!!!! I thought I would die laughing!!!!) Anyway... you are wonderful Cat and I wish you good things.
It has been quiet on here...guess we were all trying to get in a little summer before it was over. Hope to hear from everyone soon! Hope all are well... Mame

Good Morning Crew,

Well Cattails, I must say that yours was an excellent post. You don't have to work on anything because you just expressed exactly how you feel and that is all that a good writer need do. Besides, the Prime Objective of this thread is: Vent and Live!

Your sister and maybe many other sibs that act this way are probably emotionally constipated and if they didn't make you so mad you might feel sorry for the half a human being that they are.
I was lucky in that sense because I had no siblings and after reading stories here, like with Diane and Selfish Sibs to name just two, I realized that I lucked out by not having anyone to disappoint, anger and upset me and my mom.
Cattails, you are fighting that good fight and telling someone to F*** Off is a healthy way to go, in my humble opinion. If it causes too much trouble to say it out loud then thinking it is fair enough. One way or the other, you know that you have our support!

Diane has the good advice: block her out. Associate her noise with that of a fly that you would swat away and not think of again. Ya, not easy but maybe with practice?

Things are coming along here with the boat and the boat angel. It seems that he is still getting better but he will have to get a blood test in the next few weeks to make sure that he is still in remission.

Please say prayers for Ted. He buried his Cat, Idabelle, 2 days ago and he is bereft. He still is dealing with his idiot siblings and the fact that they have taken his inheritance and left him high and dry after all those years of him being the only one who cared for their mom. Criminal. People are sick.

My eye has healed and I am halfway through the course of antibiotics that are clearing up my inner ear infection. What a hot mess I have been.

DEEF! I dunno, just like hollering DEEF! Rip, sweet! glad you said hi! Austin and Meanwhile and Judy and CUZ! always funny! please give love to your sister and to your mom and brother and to my bio mom, LINDA!! love you, KULI!! I know that you are suffering with all of the loss that you have experienced.

I will tell you guys that it has been over 2 years since my mom died and it is now a year since I left here to go back and settle and sell everything and maybe, just maybe I am starting to see what is my new normal and be ok with it. It takes so much time and everyone's time is their own. It will take as much or as little time as each needs but it will get better. All I can say and all I kept repeating to myself is that it will get better.

Cricket, thanks for the shoutout and I love you, stuff! I had a good time playing webcast with you and Diane and maybe we should plan one for tomorrow night? Even if it's just to do something goofy. I have the new camera and if I mess around with it enough maybe I can figure out how to do a boat tour live.
"ok, here's the pointy end...."

If anyone is interested in hanging out online tomorrow night for a little bit let me know. Don't want to do it if I am the only one sitting there counting my toes...

Love all you guys and Ya, I know about lurking as well. We have plenty of readers and we have plenty of posters.
You guys know what makes us a successful support group?
We all don't go crazy at the same time!

Love all you guys way more than you'll ever know and please everyone check in with a crew call. Doesn't matter if you are so miserable that you can't write.... just click on and holler at us!

lovbob

Mame!
no need to apologize for depressing post! You keep venting and letting it out!

OK, will work on mindless entertainment. Be right back.
lovbob

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

lovbob

Too early?

hahahaha

Hi everyone,

Cat - wow, loved your last post!! From the heart girlfriend. I hope you feel better after writing that. I feel better just reading it!!! So thanks!

Wrote this on another thread but wanted to share here. I was good for a while, but now having a hard time again. I just don't want to do it anymore. I really don't give a shit if they (Mom and dad) live or die. I know that sounds horrible but I really don't give a shit. I'm exhausted from the mental pressure of doing everything and making all the decisions and listening to all the complaining and babbling and having them defend my useless siblings...I've gained wait, lost all my friends, I hate my work (it's my own company so I can't even quit!!). It all just sucks.

Anyway, someone else on the site was complaining (and right fully so), about taking care of their MIL and it seems the husband just expects that's the way it is so she has excepted it to, as miserable as she is. This was my response. it relates back to what is happening with your sister, Cat.

I have no sibling support in caring for both my Mom and Dad, no support physical or mentally in any way. Never a phone call or an email asking me how I am doing or how things are going. In fact, the last sibling visit was almost criminal. My sibling stole my mother's checkbook!! We got it back but what an ordeal! Pa-lease!! The other sibling hasn't been here in over two years and sent me a text on Friday saying "Impromptu trip - can I stay at your place?" Can u imagine that? Hasn't called or asked me how I am doing or anything in two years and now we are suppose to lay down the red carpet?? Give me a fucking break!

When Dad fell for the fifth time last December, (can't even remember how many trips to the hospital and missed work opportunities for me), he went into rehab but never recovered enough to go home. I chose to have him stay in the NH because I couldn't take it anymore and they have no money for home health care. That's right, I decided that because no one was going to help me and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown several times. It was the right decision. It would be extremely unsafe for him (and my mother), back at their apartment and I'd be on the hospital roller coaster all over again within days. Sure, you have days of guilt but it comes to this: do you want to save yourself or save them? I chose to save us both by placing him in the home, where he is fed, bathed and cared for. It's a very hard decision, but I have no regrets.