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Diane: I thought what you said was so absolutely true. When we become care givers we do end up having two different lives. We leave behind who we were and slowly become consumed with this new life of demands. When they leave us, we are left with a hole to fill. It's not about remembering them, because of course we will, it's about finding our way back to who we were before. I'm just beginning that journey. I knew I missed my life, but now I'm trying to remember what it felt like and it's going to take some time. After 7 years, it's not that I just don't remember, it's that I am older too and things change physically. I'm not the exuberant person I was when I retired at age 55. I'm me at 63 and so much has been on hold.
Linda: My heart really goes out to you. You have been grieving so long for your dad. It's almost like he was the only real thing in your life. I don't mean to hurt you in any way. I love and respect you immensely, but you need to take a look at where the loss is coming from. Maybe you had some loss in your heart when you took on caring for your dad and the honesty, love and respect you both shared filled that space up. Now he is gone and you not only have the loss from before, but are missing the one thing that filled it up. I don't know, Linda. I could be as full of shit as a Christmas goose, but think about it. You need to have a vision for a your life. If you don't, you will live everyday just knowing what you have experienced to this point. Kind of like Ground Hogs Day. Same thing every day.
Bobbie had her boat. I'm trying to find my vision and reading up on some things to help me move forward. I guess I am just sharing what I am trying to do for me. Finding our way back isn't easy.
Sending you love, Linda, and tons of white light. Cat
Sometimes are dreams are reminders that we have lost ourselves. It is our minds way of letting us know that we have to leave something behind. If we are not moving forward, then we are stuck. Redefining ourselves isn't easy. Understanding a new reality isn't easy either. For me, I know if I have recurrent bad dreams it is because that inner part of me is trying to come to the surface and tell me something. This isn't true for everyone. I think it is true for me.
Linda, What can I say? We all know how much you loved your Pa and you were lucky that he knew this. It 's going to take time to regain your strength and move on. I'm sure losing your niece in the middle of all this added to your pain. Sleep should be helping you heal. I'm sorry you are having those nightmares. They sound very scary. Maybe your doctor could give you something to help you. It might help just to talk to him about what is happening. Or you could do I like do and "slurp" a beer just like you did in the good old days! I know a small glass at night helps me when I'm over the top with Mom. Anyway, I hope you can find peace soon. Diane, you lucky dog! Happy you were able to get away! Love walking on the beach, but accept for walking along Puget Sound with Rip last June, I haven't been on an East coast beach in 3 years. Haven't been anywhere since my trip to Seattle last June! Such is life. Austin, Nice that you got so far away! Are you still making prayer shawls? Crazy cats! Lildeb, sounds like you have the little devils too! I have 4 and Tut, the biggest one, love to wake me up several times a night. Austin, I'm sure yours is very happy you are home! Stormy, good to hear you are less stressed! It's so hard to keep those thoughts from creeping into your head. How's Conner doing? Book, Hope that ankle is feeling better. It's so hard to take care of ourselves when we are so busy with everyone else. As for re-evaluating, it's something I do every now and then, but I still keep doing what I'm doing, so I know what you mean! I love to knit because I can pick it up and put it down when I need to, and it doesn't take up a lot of space. I also love to paint, but I need a room to set things up in so that I can work on projects when I have time. Now I just pull my paint projects out before the holidays and do what I can. I like to read too, but haven't for a while. I plan on catching up this winter, after the holidays. Meanwhile, Donkey parade? That sounds like such fun!!! Mame, How was the football game? Cat, Big difference between 55 and 63. I wish I was 55 again. I looked 45, weighed 25lbs less, and my body was in great physical shape. My job was very physical and required a lot of heavy lifting. Now I'm a mess and can't seem to get back on track. The care giver's curse!! Hey Bobbie! Did you get to talk to Pirate? Okay, I'm toast!!! Going to feed my cats and get my a$$ to bed! Night everyone!
Book- I am glad that your ankle feels some better and i hope that you were able to make it up the stairs without too much pain. Try to keep ice on it and keep it elevated as much as possible. I was thinking about you tonight and your dizzy spells and i was wondering about other health issues that your parents might have like; diabetes, blood pressure problems, heart problems or any other ones that maybe could have been passed down to you that you are not aware of. Just trying to figure out the dizzy spells and what is the cause of them. ((((hugs)))) Lildeb- hopefully i will not be having to fast anymore. Since they did find out that i don't have diabetes, but i do have hypothyroidism. Take care. Meanwhile- Glad that you got to go horse back riding and that you had a good time. I can see where that would be fun and relaxing! Linda- I am hoping that the nightmares go away soon. I know that is stressful not being able to get a good nights sleep. I will be praying that it gets better for you. Deef- Yes, i am trying to keep those thoughts at bay. Just take it one day at a time right now. Connor is doing good. He had his soccer game today and he scored 2 goals. So we were happy about that. Next sunday he plays against the little girl that is in his class that he has a crust on. I told my hubby tonight i think connor isn't going to be chasing the ball next sunday, but mattie instead. Can't wait to see that game... Hehe... And tomorrow me and hubby get to eat lunch with connor at school. This will be the first time that we have done this so we are excited about it. (((hugs))) Cat- Of course it is always great to hear from you. I know things seem so strange right now for you and it's a whole new ball game, trying to get back to how things used to be before the whole caregiving thing started. I know it is a adjustment for you and i'm sure that it is something that is just going to take time. Staying busy will help or it helped me when my mom died. I just had to stay busy because if i wasn't then my mind would wander and it hurt too bad to think or remember her so i had to build up a wall. Now i can look back and remember her and all the happy times we shared together, yes it still hurts but it is not as painful as it was that first year that we lost her. Still keeping you in my prayers. Well i will chat with ya'll tomorrow. Love and hugs stormy
Book: I hope your ankle is better. I understand your low blood pressure could be the cause of the dizziness, but I think we also have to give some credit to the long hours your work at your job and taking care of parents. I don't know how you do it. Let us know about the blood tests.
Deef: Yes there is a big difference between 55 and 63. We had lunch last week with a couple up the road from us. He is now 71. Great people, physically fit, etc. and he was saying how much strength he has lost physically since age 65. So I guess we are on the downhill slide into the wimp swamp. I think I need to get into a weight lifting class. Anything to get the muscle strength up.
I just started going to a simple toning class with another neighbor. No stress here, most everyone is over 70 and I can hold my own. Here's a tip for stress relief. Stand up straight with your arms down alongside your body. Just turn the palms of your hands facing forward and then roll your shoulders back. I carry so much tension in my neck and shoulder area and this is such a good little exercise to relive it. It also reminds you of your posture. Just turning your palms forward puts your shoulders back where they belong.
Stormy: Sending you love and comfort. Thanks for mentioning my dad's passing and me getting my footing. It will come and I'm glad to know I have friends to share the journey with. I know how much your mom meant to you. Thanks for sharing.
Lildeb: You are an awesome woman and I love you to bits.
Meanwhile: I love your horses. Wish I could ride them, but I have a long history of ending up on my back, looking up. Now I am talking about horses here.
Bobbie: Keeping you close and in my prayers. Of course, that includes Boat Angel. I think of you as one.
Lildeb – -I just loved your cats’ story. Blu and Vera. Linda – -I don’t remember my dreams at all. If I do, it’s always a nightmare. I hate those! But even those are rare. Austin—that was sooo cute about your cat waking you up every hour just to check if you’re really there. I just never knew that cats can think like that! Actually, to be truthful, I have heard MORE PET STORIES here than in person. I just find it fascinating. We only had dogs for pets and those were Outside dogs. We did Not Spoil them like you all do. I think we grew up with Practicality and not for companionship. So,when I read all of your pet stories, I just find it soooo fascinating. But not fascinating enough to get one. Diane – believe it or not, I still remember you! When I don’t see you posting, I wonder about it but I figured you were “lurking” like others do. And that when you feel like venting, you would vent. I’m glad that you were able to get a break!
Cat, Meanwhile, Stormy, and all: I get these really bad dizzy spells several times a year. It can last for a month or more. I still remember in my early 20’s driving with friends when the dizziness hit. I was quick to pull over and stop the car. My friends asked what was wrong and I told them about it. So, we switched seats and I became the passenger. I’m so used to these dizzy spells that I can’t tell when it’s a result of something worse – like my heart infection about 4 years ago. I was leaving the exam room at the clinic when the dizziness hit, and my whole body slammed against the wall. Doc got me back on the exam table and my heart from a scale of 1-7, and 7 being really bad – my heart was a 6. So, bed rest for 6 weeks (not listened – still did the laundry, etc..- got lectured by home care nurse.) and a lousy IV needle stuck in my arm the whole time….These dizziness I think is from Exhaustion from Lack of Deep Sleep. We all need to have a Deep Sleep for our body to truly rest. The last time I had this was when sis from Colorado visited August 2011 for one month. I slept in my bedroom the whole time she was here. I sure miss that…..She didn’t want to come this year. Her boss had already put aside for her 1 month to come here. Sis had to tell her boss that she was Not coming this year. Oh, sis doesn’t have the money to come here. It costs about $1800-2200 to fly here. That’s a lot of money. I think the dizziness is from lack of real sleep.....BuT I will bring it up with the doc on my blood test follow-up visit. Later! Time to do pampers, trache and then sleep.
I was going to sleep early. I got the sofabed ready, and father saw that I was getting ready to sleep early. He just had to put his 2cents worth into it. He started lecturing me that I need to sleep early so that I can wake up during the night to suction mom. He went on and on about how I sleep at night and don't wake up until 4am to suction her. (By the way, that's not true all the time. I can swear to you all that yesterday, I got up at 2am, 3am, 4am..I just don't get up Every time she coughs. I wake up on the bad ones. That's why I woke up this morning at 6am so exhausted. I didn't get any real sleep. Plus, every time I got up, my darn foot was hurting!) Father complained how he can't sleep cause his wife is choking and I'm sleeping. On and on....the thing is...even BEFORE his stroke, he also slept most of the night until 4am! I know because sometimes I would read until 2am, mom coughs phlegm, and he never stirred from his sleep. So, here he is lecturing me on something that he used to do too! AND, he went on and on about how I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of them! I got angry and told him that I'm having health problems too. He just didn't care. It was all about me taking care of them. I told him if that I died, no one's going to care for them as good as I'm doing now. He told me to go ahead and die... ;-) So....in the past, I would have fantasized doing that. I don't do that now. I have a foolproof Plan of suicide that is no laughing matter or to be taken lightly. I cannot afford to even Fantasize about it because once the idea is born to do it, it will germinate in my brains until it grows and grows. Then one day in full frustration, I will finalize it to the end. So, I can't afford to fantasize about death now. Too bad...that was one of my favorite past-time fantasies. FYI, whenever you all say that I need to take care of myself so that I can care for my parents - it just rubs me sooooo wrong because that's ALL I ever hear from HIM. It just makes me want to rebel when you all say that. When I post to people, I don't say those words at all. Every time I read those words, I Hear Him Saying it to Me! .... I was sleepy. But, he got me so angry, the sleepiness went away.
I'm going to put an icy wash cloth on my leg. Changing mom's pampers this morning had put a strain on my left leg. Then, the parking lot at the office is far from the building. Then walking up 3 flights. My foot was fine. But not the part of my leg that is between the knee and ankle. The muscle was throbbing. By midmorn, I was limping. Torn between restroom on the 2nd floor (just walk down the hall and the the stairs) or the restroom on the other end of the building (but no stairs). I walked a few steps and it was hurting bad. So, I chose the stairs. Went home for lunch and wrapped the elastic bandage on it. Helped a little. So, this is the area that I will put ice pack and then wrap for the night. Had to vent and get it all out so that I can TRY to sleep. Later!!
What the hell!!!! Just realized I forgot to make a payment on Mom's credit card and now the bank's computer service is down! My husband keeps yapping in my ear, and my sister called from Virginia last night and my BIL wants me to set up help for his mom! She is 95 and has no family here, but many church friends. They all think she has dementia, but it's her hearing that is bad, and that makes her act like she is clueless. If you write things down for her, she is just fine. I called one of the girls that helps me with mom and she is going to go and talk to Blanche and set up a couple days to take her shopping and to her appointments. She told her son last night, that she isn't driving anymore, which was a complete surprise to him. So now I have to get together with Blanche and explain that he wants her to have help come in a few times a week for a few hours. She old school New England Yankee and likes to be in charge of EVERYTHING! She thinks if someone is coming in to help, that she can call them at any time when she needs something, and dismiss them before their time is up. Very hard to explain the situation to her, but I guess I'm in charge! BIL doesn't want to add to my stress, but he is so generous with $$ when I need help, that of course I will do this for him. Good news is my husband will be back to playing cards 2 nights a week!!!! Yay!!! John called last night and I was doing a very loud happy dance! These guys have been playing cards for over 43 years and I always looked forward to my nights of peace. One of them had heart valve replacement surgery in June and relapsed a few times since, but now he needs to get out of the house, so card night is on again.Hallelujah!!!!! Stormy, You must be so proud of Connor! Bet he's thrilled too! Meanwhile, Bet that horse ride was relaxing! Book, It's awful hard to take care of ourselves when we are so busy and tired! I have well meaning people tell me the same things and I hate it too! I'm also tired of hearing that there is a place in heaven waiting for me! To those people I say that I want to go to hell first and have some fun! I sure get some mixed reactions to that! Cat, I have done Pilates for years and I love to walk.My core was very strong and solid, but my lack of exercise this past 2 years is showing! When I was working, it was not uncommon for me to lift and or move more than 1000lb almost every day. I had muscles on my muscles! Now I need to get back into my Pilates every day before I lose any more muscle. They get a workout lifting and moving Mom all the time, but I need to do some major stretching. Started walking in the spring, but the summer was so unbearably hot here, that I gave up. Okay, many errands to run and then pick up Mom at 3. Hope everyone has a good day!
Book- love you sweetie. I am sorry but it makes me so mad that your dad talks to you like this. He needs to be damn glad that he's got you to take care of his ass. He does not deserve you to be his caregiver. You have given up your life to look after his needs and your mom's needs and he talks to you like this. If i were you i sure would not make things easy for him. I am sorry if i offend you book or anyone else on here but she is my friend and i don't like to see her treated like this. Love you book. ((((hugs)))) stormyyy
Hello, Everyone.. So many new names since I last posted. Cant believe some years and 24,700 messages later it's still going strong. Just as the caregivers are. I feel like my mind set sail some time ago and left me here lol Was just checking in on everyone, letting those that remember me that im still lurking about :) Each and every one of you take care and hugs all around
Stormy, I don't take it to heart those words. You just have an idea of some of the things he says to me. Like I said, he knows how to push my button. These are the magical words: 1. That's why we have children - to take care of us in our old age. 2. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your mother and me. 3. I'm right. You're wrong. You think you know things but you know nothing. So, Do What I Tell You! 4. YOU'RE A BAD DAUGHTER.
Number 4 always hits home hard - when it hits. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but when I'm not up to par with his verbal abuse, it can hit home.
Stormy, one just have to learn to take it and let it slide off. But that's not always easy. Lastnight, I was in such a good mood. What a way to end it. That's why I logged back in and vented. I really hate going to sleep in anger or in hurt feelings. I think venting helped, cuz I got all comfy in bed, got up to suction twice before I finally fell asleep. HeHeHe! The next thing I knew, I woke up at 430am to suction mom. Well, He got what he accused me of! I woke up at 4-ish. If he had just kept his mouth shut, I would have gotten up earlier, but his words had made me decide just before I fell asleep to tell my internal alarm to NOT pay attention to mom and that I wanted to Sleep. I basically told it that I want to sleep without being alert to mom. She's on her side so that the phlegm can fall with the gravity. See, she's still alive. I found out that if I tell my internal alarm to sleep well, I really do sleep through until 4am. I don't wake up before then. But if I don't say anything to my internal alarm, I'm sleeping but also keeping alert to mom - so I get up at 2, 3, 4 am in the morning.
Gotta go. Father is complaining that I'm here on the laptop and not changing their pampers this morning. It's only 640am but .. it is time to go. Raining hard outside too. Can't go driving fast to work.
HI Deefer, Stormy , Book and all my friends. I read and my heart cries for you. You all keep on keeping on. Maybe you are stronger than I am , or maybe you have a diffent attitude. You all make me fell like a sissy, you have so much on your plate. Sooo Mom fell on Thursday, I thought there was not too much to it, but since then she is sooo dramatic about the pain. I took her in today, she had xrays nothing is broken. Also she does not urinate. She's on ab's for that, they haven't helped much. I'm very tired of boosting her up, trying to reassure her over and over again about every little thing. She's so needy emotionally. My hubby is wonderful, but to a point. We are all so trapped! I really could use a good cry, but I can't.
Hopefully, I haven't said anything to anyone out of line n if so, my apologies. I thought the FB place that was set-up was for nutrition ideas on how to eat healthier n weblinks to help us out. Yet, I also use my fb to communicate back/forth to family members that are long distance. What does GO stand for? Is it the Gross Out topic area? I got 4hr break n went right back to bedafter the mnl left with her Neice n slept n extra 2 more n it felt great! Had a pretty good day today with the mnl as well. I think it did both of us some good for that little break. I do hope everyone had a peaceful n relaxing day. : )
GO is Bobbie's thread that she started while taking care of her Mom and being there for all of us and now 24796 posts later it is still my favorite thread.
Thanks Austin. I have notice since I have been on here for support that it has grown so fast. Amazing how many caregivers r out their n plus those who don't have access to internet. This site has helped me many, many times.. Thank you all for the support n advice n Thanks to Bobbie for starting the thread.
Lildeb: You have never said anything that could be offensive to anyone. There are two FB pages that Cricket set up. One is the Nutrition Corner for weight loss and the other is the Care Giver site. And guess what, you are on both of them. haha.
If anyone here is interested in being added to either site, let me know and I'll add you.
Renarad, my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find a way to get a break and have some time to yourself. I found a good private care respite place in my area and sometimes I would have my dad stay there for a weekend. We wouldn't even leave town. It was just so nice to stay home and be free to enjoy our time together.
Book- I hope you don't think that i am wanting you to go to the dr so you can continue your parents caregiving. I want you to go for you and only you so that maybe you will feel better. And hopefully they can figure out what is going on with the dizzy spells. Those statements that your dad says would make me mad too. He is a piece of work, I must say and not in a good way either. And i think you are a wonderful daughter! Keep setting that internal clock of yours and get some sleep, ok. Hugs Deef- We are very proud of our little boy, Connor and we try to make a point to tell him that as much as possible. Neither one of us heard that alot growing up and i think it makes a difference in a childs self esteem to hear that from their parents. Trying to learn from our parents mistakes i guess. I hope your headache get better soon. Renarad- You are not a sissy. We all are facing challenges and some of us deal with them in different ways, it doesn't make one person stronger than the other one. We are just trying to get through this time in our lives and make the best of it. And i understand about the needing a good cry, but sometimes you feel like if you start crying you will never stop. At least that is how i feel sometimes. But it is better to go ahead and just have a good cry and alot of times i do feel better afterwards. You can only hold things in for so long before you explode. Hugs to you.
Well, yesterday and today was the first day that i could tell that the meds were working for the hypothyroidism. I was helping connor get ready for sunday school and i noticed that i didn't feel like i was going to pass out from my sugar dropping. Yes, all this time i choked all these symptoms up to hypoglycemia (low sugar) and guess what i don't have that, i don't have any type of diabetes. I would be at dads and every 2 hours i was having to eat something cause i would get all the signs of low sugar. The last several weeks i was just carrying candy bars and mt dews over to his house so that when my "sugar dropped" i could eat something sweet and make it go back up. I would check my sugar level a little while later thinking that surely it would be up, but to no avail. It would still be low. I just did not understand it. I got so tired of eating all the time. Most of the time i just wanted to go for hours and not eat anything but i couldn't cause i would get all sweaty, shaky, feeling like i was going to pass out. And all this time it was coming from my lazy thyroid gland. And it was wreaking havoc with my sugar levels. I never knew that your thyroid gland affected so many aspects of your body. And i have had more energy today i almost felt like a human being instead of "The walking dead." I just hope it continues to get even better. Ya'll take care. Hugs stormy
Stormy: YEAH!!! I'm so glad you are starting to feel better. You have been dealing with this illness for a long time and have somehow managed to keep going. That's amazing. It will be interesting to see how things improve for you; your energy and your stamina. So happy for you!!!!
Book: I hate when people say you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your parent. I know people who say it, don't mean to offend anyone, but it's a bit like a slap in the face to me. We have to take care of ourselves because we are of value and we count. We have a life and hopes and dreams and that means something too. Not everything we do has to be for someone else, least of all taking care of ourselves.
I don't think I have ever heard anyone on this thread make that statement. Although it has been said many times on so many other threads. I think everyone here get's it and Stormy gets it too. She lives it just like the rest of us.
Book: You are well understood here and loved. Glad you share with us. Just know without a doubt that we all want you to be healthy for your sake only.
Deef: You must have been a rock solid body in your working days. What did you do? Glad you are walking and hope you can get back to it. I love it too. I so understand about the summers being hot and am glad I don't have that anymore. There is life ahead for us. Everyone hang on to that thought.
YES I CAN BELIEVE A PARENT WOULD COMB THEIR HAIR WITH A TOOTHBRUSH. CAUGHT MY MOM ONE NIGHT CUTTING THE SLEEVE OUT OF MY BATHROBE. SHE SAYS SHE WAS TAKING IT A PART TRYING TO DO ALTERATIONS ON IT. MOM HAS SEWED ALL HER LIFE.
SATURDAY NITE, MOM GOT SINK STOPPED UP IN BATHROOM, SHE WASHED OUT HER DIAPER AND PAJAMAS, I WAS JUST SHOCKED SO NOW I CAN'T EVEN LEAVE HER FOR A SECOND! IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEBODY LIKE A HAWK! I KNOW MY HUSBAND WAS MAD SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN HE UNSTOPPED THE BATHROOM DRAIN. HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT I KNOW HE'S TIRED OF THIS TOO
Renarad - - You’re not sissy. each person handles situations differently based on their personality, background, etc. If a person grew up in a loving family, they will do their best for their loved one because of that background. If a person is wishy-washy most of their life, then they will find caregiving a bit more difficult than others do. If a person is a problem-solver, then they would find ways to deal with it – hire caregivers, NH, etc…
It would be best NOT to compare how you’re handling your situation with us. For example, I always feel uncomfortable when people praise me for caregiving my 2 bedridden parents. I don’t see myself as special or unusual or amazing but posters here do. You see, I grew up from a very dysfunctional family. So dysfunctional, my 2 younger sisters and I have NO childhood memories nor do we want to remember. We have learned to handle really bad stuff in our young lives. My father used to punc me on the head. He even tried to choke me but I got into a defensive stance to prevent him from getting his hands around my throat. I still stayed here because if I had left, he would have hurt mom. I just do what I need to do. I try to handle whatever life throws at me – one day at a time.
And when I can’t handle it any longer, I come here and vent, vent and vent! It really does help a lot! Plus, even though I was venting, the people here cheer me on, or even give me advice or a different point-of-view!
Stormy, Cat - - When I mention about being told to take care of myself so that I can better care for my parents – that was a while back. I don’t even remember which thread it was. I still jump around this site so it could be anywhere. I just wanted to alert you all that that was one of my Pet Peeves. It drives me crazy because father says that to me all the time!..... Oh, you thought I meant you(Stormy) because I started out with your name! Soooo sorry!! If you notice, I tend to jump around with topics. I just write free-flowing here – whatever pops in my head. But I do recall someone saying that to me on AC..because I wrinkled my nose when I read it… ;) In No Way Did You Imply That!!!
0nly 1 welcome and to any other newbies here welcome there are a lot on here now so sometimes someone gets overlooked. I have met the greatest people here. Still have not heard from my brother if he does call I am not going into a long discussion I am just going to say it is time for him to step up and help with Mom my sister and her husband has been dealing with her for 23 years and her sons hardly ever visit or call her.
Book- I know you didn't mean me. I know i do the jumping around too with topics. Love ya. I will chat later on today or tonight. hugs. Cat- thanks for just being you and for being here. Love ya and hugs. Kinda having a rough morning so far not feeling as good as yesterday morning. Just dragging and feeling zapped again with no energy. Ya'll have a good day. Stormy
OMG! I'm not alone! I was online looking to see if there were any activities my 84 yo dad could do. And I stumbled upon this site. After reading many posts, I have tears and not sure why, except I'm not alone dealing with an aging parent and trying not to get grossed out at times!! Wow, I'm not alone...wow!
K 9 Your are not alone-somehow I stumbled onto AC over 4 yrs. ago and it was a God send to me and a relief to konw other did get it-my friends did not-I sure felt alone until I got to know people on here-even though my husband died over 3 yrs. ago I stuck around to help others and joined a caregivers support group at our senior center as did 3 other caregivers and I think we do help those going through caregiving -we know how it feels-please post more about your caregiving the nicest people on earth are here-ready to give you encouragement as Jam says we will leave the light on for you.
Hi K9, welcome! I found this site just this May/June when I was trying to find how to improve on caregiving difficult bedridden, abusive father. I was at the end of my ropes and thought maybe if I learned the RIGHT way to caregive, I wouldn't be struggling. I had reached the end of my rope and had become seriously suicidal - had the Plan and even When to do it. I was scared stiff because a part of me wanted to die and was winning against the part of me that wanted to live. (always struggled with this, close my eyes when driving on a sharp curve, then open it last minute to avoid crashing. ) I'm happy to say that this site is Definitely a Saver because I know that it's NOT ME that's wrong, and I can vent, vent and vent!!!
Please come back and share your story with us. Vent to us, too! Have to go. Time to do CG duties, breakfast parents and rush to work. Later!!
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Linda: My heart really goes out to you. You have been grieving so long for your dad. It's almost like he was the only real thing in your life. I don't mean to hurt you in any way. I love and respect you immensely, but you need to take a look at where the loss is coming from. Maybe you had some loss in your heart when you took on caring for your dad and the honesty, love and respect you both shared filled that space up. Now he is gone and you not only have the loss from before, but are missing the one thing that filled it up. I don't know, Linda. I could be as full of shit as a Christmas goose, but think about it. You need to have a vision for a your life. If you don't, you will live everyday just knowing what you have experienced to this point. Kind of like Ground Hogs Day. Same thing every day.
Bobbie had her boat. I'm trying to find my vision and reading up on some things to help me move forward. I guess I am just sharing what I am trying to do for me. Finding our way back isn't easy.
Sending you love, Linda, and tons of white light. Cat
Diane, you lucky dog! Happy you were able to get away! Love walking on the beach, but accept for walking along Puget Sound with Rip last June, I haven't been on an East coast beach in 3 years. Haven't been anywhere since my trip to Seattle last June! Such is life.
Austin, Nice that you got so far away! Are you still making prayer shawls? Crazy cats! Lildeb, sounds like you have the little devils too! I have 4 and Tut, the biggest one, love to wake me up several times a night. Austin, I'm sure yours is very happy you are home!
Stormy, good to hear you are less stressed! It's so hard to keep those thoughts from creeping into your head. How's Conner doing?
Book, Hope that ankle is feeling better. It's so hard to take care of ourselves when we are so busy with everyone else. As for re-evaluating, it's something I do every now and then, but I still keep doing what I'm doing, so I know what you mean! I love to knit because I can pick it up and put it down when I need to, and it doesn't take up a lot of space. I also love to paint, but I need a room to set things up in so that I can work on projects when I have time. Now I just pull my paint projects out before the holidays and do what I can. I like to read too, but haven't for a while. I plan on catching up this winter, after the holidays.
Meanwhile, Donkey parade? That sounds like such fun!!!
Mame, How was the football game?
Cat, Big difference between 55 and 63. I wish I was 55 again. I looked 45, weighed 25lbs less, and my body was in great physical shape. My job was very physical and required a lot of heavy lifting. Now I'm a mess and can't seem to get back on track. The care giver's curse!!
Hey Bobbie! Did you get to talk to Pirate?
Okay, I'm toast!!! Going to feed my cats and get my a$$ to bed! Night everyone!
Lildeb- hopefully i will not be having to fast anymore. Since they did find out that i don't have diabetes, but i do have hypothyroidism. Take care.
Meanwhile- Glad that you got to go horse back riding and that you had a good time. I can see where that would be fun and relaxing!
Linda- I am hoping that the nightmares go away soon. I know that is stressful not being able to get a good nights sleep. I will be praying that it gets better for you.
Deef- Yes, i am trying to keep those thoughts at bay. Just take it one day at a time right now. Connor is doing good. He had his soccer game today and he scored 2 goals. So we were happy about that. Next sunday he plays against the little girl that is in his class that he has a crust on. I told my hubby tonight i think connor isn't going to be chasing the ball next sunday, but mattie instead. Can't wait to see that game... Hehe... And tomorrow me and hubby get to eat lunch with connor at school. This will be the first time that we have done this so we are excited about it.
(((hugs)))
Cat- Of course it is always great to hear from you. I know things seem so strange right now for you and it's a whole new ball game, trying to get back to how things used to be before the whole caregiving thing started. I know it is a adjustment for you and i'm sure that it is something that is just going to take time. Staying busy will help or it helped me when my mom died. I just had to stay busy because if i wasn't then my mind would wander and it hurt too bad to think or remember her so i had to build up a wall. Now i can look back and remember her and all the happy times we shared together, yes it still hurts but it is not as painful as it was that first year that we lost her. Still keeping you in my prayers. Well i will chat with ya'll tomorrow. Love and hugs stormy
Deef: Yes there is a big difference between 55 and 63. We had lunch last week with a couple up the road from us. He is now 71. Great people, physically fit, etc. and he was saying how much strength he has lost physically since age 65. So I guess we are on the downhill slide into the wimp swamp. I think I need to get into a weight lifting class. Anything to get the muscle strength up.
I just started going to a simple toning class with another neighbor. No stress here, most everyone is over 70 and I can hold my own. Here's a tip for stress relief. Stand up straight with your arms down alongside your body. Just turn the palms of your hands facing forward and then roll your shoulders back. I carry so much tension in my neck and shoulder area and this is such a good little exercise to relive it. It also reminds you of your posture. Just turning your palms forward puts your shoulders back where they belong.
Stormy: Sending you love and comfort. Thanks for mentioning my dad's passing and me getting my footing. It will come and I'm glad to know I have friends to share the journey with. I know how much your mom meant to you. Thanks for sharing.
Lildeb: You are an awesome woman and I love you to bits.
Meanwhile: I love your horses. Wish I could ride them, but I have a long history of ending up on my back, looking up. Now I am talking about horses here.
Bobbie: Keeping you close and in my prayers. Of course, that includes Boat Angel. I think of you as one.
Rip: It was windy and rainy today. How about you?
Mame: Hope your weekend was fun.
Love to all, Cat
Linda – -I don’t remember my dreams at all. If I do, it’s always a nightmare. I hate those! But even those are rare.
Austin—that was sooo cute about your cat waking you up every hour just to check if you’re really there. I just never knew that cats can think like that! Actually, to be truthful, I have heard MORE PET STORIES here than in person. I just find it fascinating. We only had dogs for pets and those were Outside dogs. We did Not Spoil them like you all do. I think we grew up with Practicality and not for companionship. So,when I read all of your pet stories, I just find it soooo fascinating. But not fascinating enough to get one.
Diane – believe it or not, I still remember you! When I don’t see you posting, I wonder about it but I figured you were “lurking” like others do. And that when you feel like venting, you would vent. I’m glad that you were able to get a break!
Cat, Meanwhile, Stormy, and all: I get these really bad dizzy spells several times a year. It can last for a month or more. I still remember in my early 20’s driving with friends when the dizziness hit. I was quick to pull over and stop the car. My friends asked what was wrong and I told them about it. So, we switched seats and I became the passenger. I’m so used to these dizzy spells that I can’t tell when it’s a result of something worse – like my heart infection about 4 years ago. I was leaving the exam room at the clinic when the dizziness hit, and my whole body slammed against the wall. Doc got me back on the exam table and my heart from a scale of 1-7, and 7 being really bad – my heart was a 6. So, bed rest for 6 weeks (not listened – still did the laundry, etc..- got lectured by home care nurse.) and a lousy IV needle stuck in my arm the whole time….These dizziness I think is from Exhaustion from Lack of Deep Sleep. We all need to have a Deep Sleep for our body to truly rest. The last time I had this was when sis from Colorado visited August 2011 for one month. I slept in my bedroom the whole time she was here. I sure miss that…..She didn’t want to come this year. Her boss had already put aside for her 1 month to come here. Sis had to tell her boss that she was Not coming this year. Oh, sis doesn’t have the money to come here. It costs about $1800-2200 to fly here. That’s a lot of money. I think the dizziness is from lack of real sleep.....BuT I will bring it up with the doc on my blood test follow-up visit. Later! Time to do pampers, trache and then sleep.
I'm going to put an icy wash cloth on my leg. Changing mom's pampers this morning had put a strain on my left leg. Then, the parking lot at the office is far from the building. Then walking up 3 flights. My foot was fine. But not the part of my leg that is between the knee and ankle. The muscle was throbbing. By midmorn, I was limping. Torn between restroom on the 2nd floor (just walk down the hall and the the stairs) or the restroom on the other end of the building (but no stairs). I walked a few steps and it was hurting bad. So, I chose the stairs. Went home for lunch and wrapped the elastic bandage on it. Helped a little. So, this is the area that I will put ice pack and then wrap for the night. Had to vent and get it all out so that I can TRY to sleep. Later!!
Good news is my husband will be back to playing cards 2 nights a week!!!! Yay!!! John called last night and I was doing a very loud happy dance! These guys have been playing cards for over 43 years and I always looked forward to my nights of peace. One of them had heart valve replacement surgery in June and relapsed a few times since, but now he needs to get out of the house, so card night is on again.Hallelujah!!!!!
Stormy, You must be so proud of Connor! Bet he's thrilled too!
Meanwhile, Bet that horse ride was relaxing!
Book, It's awful hard to take care of ourselves when we are so busy and tired! I have well meaning people tell me the same things and I hate it too! I'm also tired of hearing that there is a place in heaven waiting for me! To those people I say that I want to go to hell first and have some fun! I sure get some mixed reactions to that!
Cat, I have done Pilates for years and I love to walk.My core was very strong and solid, but my lack of exercise this past 2 years is showing! When I was working, it was not uncommon for me to lift and or move more than 1000lb almost every day. I had muscles on my muscles! Now I need to get back into my Pilates every day before I lose any more muscle. They get a workout lifting and moving Mom all the time, but I need to do some major stretching. Started walking in the spring, but the summer was so unbearably hot here, that I gave up.
Okay, many errands to run and then pick up Mom at 3. Hope everyone has a good day!
So many new names since I last posted. Cant believe some years and 24,700 messages later it's still going strong. Just as the caregivers are. I feel like my mind set sail some time ago and left me here lol
Was just checking in on everyone, letting those that remember me that im still lurking about :) Each and every one of you take care and hugs all around
1. That's why we have children - to take care of us in our old age.
2. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your mother and me.
3. I'm right. You're wrong. You think you know things but you know nothing. So, Do What I Tell You!
4. YOU'RE A BAD DAUGHTER.
Number 4 always hits home hard - when it hits. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but when I'm not up to par with his verbal abuse, it can hit home.
Stormy, one just have to learn to take it and let it slide off. But that's not always easy. Lastnight, I was in such a good mood. What a way to end it. That's why I logged back in and vented. I really hate going to sleep in anger or in hurt feelings. I think venting helped, cuz I got all comfy in bed, got up to suction twice before I finally fell asleep. HeHeHe! The next thing I knew, I woke up at 430am to suction mom. Well, He got what he accused me of! I woke up at 4-ish. If he had just kept his mouth shut, I would have gotten up earlier, but his words had made me decide just before I fell asleep to tell my internal alarm to NOT pay attention to mom and that I wanted to Sleep. I basically told it that I want to sleep without being alert to mom. She's on her side so that the phlegm can fall with the gravity. See, she's still alive. I found out that if I tell my internal alarm to sleep well, I really do sleep through until 4am. I don't wake up before then. But if I don't say anything to my internal alarm, I'm sleeping but also keeping alert to mom - so I get up at 2, 3, 4 am in the morning.
Gotta go. Father is complaining that I'm here on the laptop and not changing their pampers this morning. It's only 640am but .. it is time to go. Raining hard outside too. Can't go driving fast to work.
I do hope everyone had a peaceful n relaxing day. : )
If anyone here is interested in being added to either site, let me know and I'll add you.
Renarad, my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find a way to get a break and have some time to yourself. I found a good private care respite place in my area and sometimes I would have my dad stay there for a weekend. We wouldn't even leave town. It was just so nice to stay home and be free to enjoy our time together.
Love you guys, Cat
Love & Hugs, Cat
Deef- We are very proud of our little boy, Connor and we try to make a point to tell him that as much as possible. Neither one of us heard that alot growing up and i think it makes a difference in a childs self esteem to hear that from their parents. Trying to learn from our parents mistakes i guess. I hope your headache get better soon.
Renarad- You are not a sissy. We all are facing challenges and some of us deal with them in different ways, it doesn't make one person stronger than the other one. We are just trying to get through this time in our lives and make the best of it. And i understand about the needing a good cry, but sometimes you feel like if you start crying you will never stop. At least that is how i feel sometimes. But it is better to go ahead and just have a good cry and alot of times i do feel better afterwards. You can only hold things in for so long before you explode. Hugs to you.
Well, yesterday and today was the first day that i could tell that the meds were working for the hypothyroidism. I was helping connor get ready for sunday school and i noticed that i didn't feel like i was going to pass out from my sugar dropping. Yes, all this time i choked all these symptoms up to hypoglycemia (low sugar) and guess what i don't have that, i don't have any type of diabetes. I would be at dads and every 2 hours i was having to eat something cause i would get all the signs of low sugar. The last several weeks i was just carrying candy bars and mt dews over to his house so that when my "sugar dropped" i could eat something sweet and make it go back up. I would check my sugar level a little while later thinking that surely it would be up, but to no avail. It would still be low. I just did not understand it. I got so tired of eating all the time. Most of the time i just wanted to go for hours and not eat anything but i couldn't cause i would get all sweaty, shaky, feeling like i was going to pass out. And all this time it was coming from my lazy thyroid gland. And it was wreaking havoc with my sugar levels. I never knew that your thyroid gland affected so many aspects of your body. And i have had more energy today i almost felt like a human being instead of "The walking dead." I just hope it continues to get even better. Ya'll take care. Hugs stormy
Book: I hate when people say you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of your parent. I know people who say it, don't mean to offend anyone, but it's a bit like a slap in the face to me. We have to take care of ourselves because we are of value and we count. We have a life and hopes and dreams and that means something too. Not everything we do has to be for someone else, least of all taking care of ourselves.
I don't think I have ever heard anyone on this thread make that statement. Although it has been said many times on so many other threads. I think everyone here get's it and Stormy gets it too. She lives it just like the rest of us.
Book: You are well understood here and loved. Glad you share with us. Just know without a doubt that we all want you to be healthy for your sake only.
Deef: You must have been a rock solid body in your working days. What did you do? Glad you are walking and hope you can get back to it. I love it too. I so understand about the summers being hot and am glad I don't have that anymore. There is life ahead for us. Everyone hang on to that thought.
Thanks for being my sisters. Love, Cat
ALTERATIONS ON IT. MOM HAS SEWED ALL HER LIFE.
SATURDAY NITE, MOM GOT SINK STOPPED UP IN BATHROOM, SHE WASHED OUT HER DIAPER AND PAJAMAS, I WAS JUST SHOCKED SO NOW I CAN'T EVEN LEAVE HER FOR A SECOND! IT'S LIKE WATCHING SOMEBODY LIKE A HAWK! I KNOW MY HUSBAND WAS MAD SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN HE UNSTOPPED THE BATHROOM DRAIN. HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING BUT I KNOW HE'S TIRED OF THIS TOO
It would be best NOT to compare how you’re handling your situation with us. For example, I always feel uncomfortable when people praise me for caregiving my 2 bedridden parents. I don’t see myself as special or unusual or amazing but posters here do. You see, I grew up from a very dysfunctional family. So dysfunctional, my 2 younger sisters and I have NO childhood memories nor do we want to remember. We have learned to handle really bad stuff in our young lives. My father used to punc me on the head. He even tried to choke me but I got into a defensive stance to prevent him from getting his hands around my throat. I still stayed here because if I had left, he would have hurt mom. I just do what I need to do. I try to handle whatever life throws at me – one day at a time.
And when I can’t handle it any longer, I come here and vent, vent and vent! It really does help a lot! Plus, even though I was venting, the people here cheer me on, or even give me advice or a different point-of-view!
Stormy, Cat - - When I mention about being told to take care of myself so that I can better care for my parents – that was a while back. I don’t even remember which thread it was. I still jump around this site so it could be anywhere. I just wanted to alert you all that that was one of my Pet Peeves. It drives me crazy because father says that to me all the time!..... Oh, you thought I meant you(Stormy) because I started out with your name! Soooo sorry!! If you notice, I tend to jump around with topics. I just write free-flowing here – whatever pops in my head. But I do recall someone saying that to me on AC..because I wrinkled my nose when I read it… ;) In No Way Did You Imply That!!!
Cat- thanks for just being you and for being here. Love ya and hugs.
Kinda having a rough morning so far not feeling as good as yesterday morning. Just dragging and feeling zapped again with no energy. Ya'll have a good day. Stormy
Please come back and share your story with us. Vent to us, too! Have to go. Time to do CG duties, breakfast parents and rush to work. Later!!