Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

I got boat time? Yeah!!!! Packing my bag right now!!!

Love, Cat

Just got back into town yesterday. I want boat time too! I miss the ocean. Realized this on my trip. I miss the sound and smell of it, being able to walk the beach. I love this desert, but the ocean made me feel alive, with possibilities. Weird. Mom was a giant drama queen on the trip. I've said on two other threads how she referred to me as "her baby" to everyone and said things like "aren't you going to give your mama a kiss?". She frikkin mental. I stayed down the street from her on this trip. My older cousins knew I needed the distance. I'm so grateful for that. I have to admit though, I messed with my mother when I was wheeling her around airports. I went to the escalator with her and told her that I was going to just take her up backwards in her wheelchair. She just about had a heart attack. I had a good laugh and then walked to the elevators. Then, we almost missed pre boarding on the way home, so I ran with her in the wheelchair. I told her when I stop fast, to just jump out. I'm sure I got some horrified looks, but, eh, if I can't have some fun tormenting the old woman, it gets boring.

Judy: Hahahaha. You're wicked, in a good way. Glad you are home safe.

Cat

Okay, this is really hard for me. My father died when I was 12. My mother had never worked, was a PTA mom. I have always felt responsible for her, mentally and physically. She was so sheltering of me. Worried about my every move, I had no independence. As she got older, I moved her from place to place, she was never happy. She is very negative and depressive. She never did anything to make friends or be social. She cried about loneliness. I jumped thru hoops to try to make her happy. i realize now, that nothing will ever make her happy.
Fast forward to now........Mom is 103, in reasonably good health and lives with me and my husband. I am in a constant state of anxiety. My heart pounds. I am on meds. She is still very stubborn and needy. I have learned to detach as much as I can. I,m always afraid I won't know what to do to help her. I feel trapped as you all do. We would love to travel and enjoy retirement. When I read your heartbreaking stories, one thing I notice is that I don't hear uncertainty about how you take care. You seem to know what to do, clean, diaper, wheelchair, all the stuff you do. How do you feel about their pain,, their hurts, their state of being? How do you detach? I love you all, reading here is really good for me. Rena

Rena, I feel for my mom. She's bedridden and totally a vegetable-state and outwardly is not alert. Can't talk or move a tiny finger. What a way to live. This is the mom I've come to like. My real mom - before the Alz - well....she was just a mother - someone who took care of us but gave no positive encouragements or hugs, etc... Easy to take care of her. She gets a fever - I do panic a bit. Same when she doesn't poop. But when she does, and it gets diarrhea-like, I panic and am grossed out cuz it just keeps oozing out while trying to change it. Can get yucky messy.

Father. He has always been abusive - verbally/physically. I can't even like him. He can be so mean. Plus, how you can like someone who says that he can kill you by kicking your throat while changing his pamper? My struggles - which I've never hidden here - is that he is soooo cruel with his words, that we end up with yelling matches. I have to be careful angering him because he will try to punch my head (being bedridden, he can no longer reach it now) but only hits my arm. But that's not as often now - he now uses words to hurt me. My current struggle with him is that he refuses to eat real food cuz of cavities. He's drinking my mom's stomach tube drink. Now, he's complaining that it's too difficult to poop. I tell him he needs to eat solid food but he gets angry and tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about and to just shut up. He has never taken my advice. I've had to circumvent him by getting my much younger nephew to visit and say something. He's a guy despite being so young (even when he was 17 yrs old!) and I'm a female who don't know anything.

I've detached from my parents long time ago. My problem was detaching from my siblings. We grew up together, us against the world. United to keep secrets from parents - or else we all get whippings from the thick leather belt. I almost committed suicide just this pay May/June from the stress of caregiving both bedridden parents and NO help from 7 siblings (except 1 sis). I forced myself to detach emotionally from them. They don't love me enough to help me with our parents.

I know that I'm too descriptive in this site. I don't gloss over stuff. I tell it like it is. I've once or twice, uhm..surprise people of my honesty (or too blunt talking.) But I vent here because I need to vent. And I sure have benefited from everyone's encouragements, or knowing that they're sharing what I'm going thru and I'm Not Alone. They Understand. And they know that I'm Not Exaggerating.

P.S...I'm still trying to detach more from father since his words can still send me down that depression tunnel. His favorite is that I'm a Bad Daughter - and he says this with such deep anger in his voice and face. Anger of emphasis. Sigh...It's morning, here. Time to go and start the day. Later, Rena.

Rena: Thank you for sharing with us. I think most of us learned to do what we do when circumstances changed and we had to adapt. For many it's a gradual step by step progression and you learn from many sources, this site being one. When my dad had his stroke, his circumstances changed instantly, but he was in rehab for 3 months and I learned everything that needed to be done while being there with him. I participated in his physical therapy and as he got stronger, I started helping with the bathroom routine. By the time he got home with us, I knew how to do everything that was needed. Plus, home health came for 6 weeks to help with his speech and swallow issues therapy, bathing, etc.

I always felt badly for my dad's suffering. He did not have pain, but I know he felt unhappy to be so limited. His speech was so limited that it was hard to have any serious conversation with him. All I could do was tell myself that he was safe and well cared for and accept that it was all I could offer him. He knew I loved him. I would always tell him that every night when we got him all comfy in his bed.

My dad wasn't mean or demanding. Nor was he a needy person who had anxiety. He could be stubborn at times, but not often.

I think if I was with someone like your mom who is unhappy and needy it would be very hard for me too. Is there a caregiver group that you can join in your area? Have you ever checked with your local Area on Aging to see if there is any assistance you can get with her care?

It might also be good for you to get some counseling. Having someone you can sit down with and talk about your fears may open some doors and give you new insights. You grew up and are still with your mom, someone that was/ is always fearful. Maybe you could sort through some of this with a professional and find another way to address your fears. Also what fears you have that belong to your mom, but you have taken on.

I think you are a very strong person and none of us do everything perfectly. It's trial and error many times. It's that way in everything.

One thing I can tell you for sure is it's very difficult not to lose yourself while being a care giver. After a while, you don't know where you end and they begin. It's consuming and over whelming. They are like an invisible appendage, a part of you even when they are sleeping and quiet, because we know they are going to wake up. When people are so dependent on us, it's a huge weight to bear. Often we lose the ability to see ourselves clearly because we are just focused on carrying the burden.

I know I had anxiety and depression and I had it much easier than many on this site. I think what you feel in normal, but it might be really helpful to be able to talk to a professional. In the meantime, know you are doing a good job. The goal is to find some positive ways to take care of you.

And I'll just say this for what it is worth, there are probably other options than having your mom living with you full time. Giving that some thought and consideration does not make you a bad person. Your health and mental well being are every bit as important as hers, maybe more so.

I think others will have comments too. Hope some of this was helpful.

Sending you love and white light, Cat

Hi Y'all,
I knew when I woke up this morning I wasn't feeling too sharp. Well, it's 8:30pm and I'm just remembering mom's appointment at the Coumadin Clinic at 3:15pm today. This week has seemed like a week of Mondays!
Mom got pissed off with me this afternoon because I asked her to stop pulling and pulling tissues out the tissue box for no reason. I swear we go through tissues, toilet paper, and paper towels like an army lived here, not just 3 people. I wasted my time asking my bro to visit mom since she was in such a foul mood. Still haven't heard from him. I also wasted my time sending my sister an email telling her mom was aftraid she was going to die soon and wanted to see her soon. I really don't care if I ever see my sister again, but I sent it for mom. James has been working at the fair the last few days. He has been cooking corndogs and pizzas. I miss having his company in the evening. I'll know when he gets home by the overwhelming smell of corndogs...lol.
Otherwise nothing new and unusual here. I actually got to water my plants outside today. Isn't it sad when something so simple becomes the highlight of your day? I really need to get some time in the yard to "manicure" everything since James just cuts the grass. I need to edge the driveway, walkway and sidewalk. Plus use the grass whip against the house and fence. It's those finishing touches he just doesn't find important.
I enjoyed my class yesterday. It was a class on organized doodling. It's very similar to Zentangle. You can go to their website and find some you tube videos on it too. Just thought it might be a creative outlet while I am sitting with mom.
I'm going to sign off for now. I want to watch Grey's Anatomy tonight. I'm still trying to decide it I still like the show after the killed off some of the characters. Anyway, have a good night all and I hope tomorrow is a better day for us all.

Love ya,
Diane

Good Evening Crew!

Just got finished rinsing off the boat and now I am down here in my cabin writing to you guys.

Rena, you got some good advice there and I will add my take and you can tell me to go pee up a rope later.

You and your husband will never get these days, weeks, months and years back. Figure out a way for your mom to live somewhere and go live your life. She's had her turn for crying out loud. Save yourself.

My mother was never happy with anything and wore me out. Incidentally, the reason I have written more about my background is that there are new people here. I have written a lot of this out many times as new readers come along so they understand why I take the positions I do.

My position on placement is actually getting more strident because I see the same struggles and stresses on more and more women that the entire family drops their load on. Not right and it will continue until YOU decide it's enough.

Something to consider: You won't change the situation until it hurts more to stay the same.

Book: If your dad tells you he can't eat don't argue with him. Let the SOB starve.
Please be very careful and I'm sure you know about elder rage. (I did read that same book but the author drove me nuts with her constant movie references.)
There are more and more news stories coming out about old people who snap and hurt or kill their caregivers. I know that he is bedridden, etc but just watch out for anything sharp he might get his hands on. Rage increases adrenaline which can give someone a burst of strength you wouldn't expect.

Remember crew:
They're demented. Demented. Insane. It is a disease but it's a dangerous disease.

I truly don't like being this kind of messenger but I hear your struggles again and again only with different names. It is NOT ok for any of you to be abused, verbally or physically, by a parent. InverseIy it is not ok for you to abuse, verbally or physically, your parent. If you are getting mean and going down that road it is way past time for placement.

OK, end of rant.

Diane: good to see from you and I love the smell of corndogs in the evening.... reminds me of cotton candy!
Now that you have mentioned that they have killed off some of the grey's anatomy characters I am interested! Don't tell me which ones! I will watch on Hulu.
That'll teach those actors to try contract negotiations in a down economy!

Love you guys and stay safe and try to stay sane.
lovbob

Rena, the only reason we sound like we know what we are doing, is the years of struggling to get it right! When Mom first started having anxiety attacks and bouts of depression we thought it was her zanax script and that she was addicted to it. We actually had her sign herself into the psych ward at a local hospital to try and straighten her out. Little did we know, she had a UTI both times. this combined with her Parkinsons was a bad combination. She was having hallucinations that people were in her room at night and hiding in her closet or under the bed. She would get out of bed and fall and not be able to get up. We didn't know that she was heading into dementia as a result of the PD.
So, a lot of mistakes were made and we went through many different meds to find the combination that worked for her. the last 2 years that I was still working, she would call me at work all the time and tell me she was sick, or needed to go to the hospital or any other excuse to get me home. When we finally got the diagnosis of dementia, my sibs asked me to leave my job and stay at home with her. So here I am, almost five years and a million mistakes later. There is no easy way. You learn as you go.
I'm 61 and my husband is 64 and we are stuck in this life for a while yet, as Mom,s physical health is very good. She is definitely declining lately and losing weight little by little. In the meantime she is in her own home and clean and fed and comfortable. I know the day will come when I can no longer handle her and will have to place her, but for now I'm hanging in there. She is in daycare from 9-3 3 days a week and I have help on the other 4 days, so we can get out, just not overnight.
I have 6 sibs, but rarely see any of them, so basically I'm alone like you. My dad passed away over 30 years ago at the age of 54. So really, I have been taking care of Mom for that long, as she never drove, and was like your mom in that she was not a joiner, or very social.
You should check your local elder services and see if there are volunteers that sit with the elderly in your area, or see if they know of an adult daycare program she can attend a couple days a week. Even a few hours away helps!
Good post Bobbie!!
Where's Jen?
Judy, did you enjoy your visit to Mass?
Okay, falling asleep here. talk to everyone tomorrow1

Funny, Bobbie...Just yesterday, I was telling mom's Home suppliers that if I die, know that my father killed me. I sure hope I'm not predicting my death. I'd much rather die in my sleep, thank you.

Deef! The trip to Mass... it had its good times and uncomfortable times. I absolutely loved walking the beach. If I lived by the ocean, that's what I'd do every day. I picked up shells and sea glass and just tried to take it all in - the sounds, smells, sights. The leaves were changing color too. Nice! Thanks for asking! My mother was a giant pain in the ass, but I expected that. And... I got a big plate of whole fried clams - my absolute favorite food in the en-tire world. With lots of tahtah sauce (tartar for non New Englanders). xx, J.

Stormy = How are you doing today? Any improvement from yesterday?
Deef, Diane = I remember when mom took longer and longer to feed. I remember getting frustrated that I was still feeding her breakfast – 2 hrs later – and this was pureed food! When she started choking on it, father decided to get her the stomach feeding tube.

Rena – as for the actual caregiving of the parents – I learned from the paid caregivers. I watch how they sponge bath mom (don’t think I can do it – need lots of patience), etc. I may be very shy, but I’m also very curious. When I used to work part-time so that I can help father with mom, I asked the gov’t caregivers questions about feeding tube, bedsores, etc.. They will tell how it starts, how to prevent, how to clean, etc… If they tell stories of their other clients (no name given), I listened and would ask questions. So, now, I have an idea of how to care for mom, what to expect, etc… When she goes to the hospital, I pay attention to what the nurses do.
Judy = I made hate the beach waters, but I sure do miss sitting on the beach and just watching the waves. It’s very relaxing isn’t it?

Hey ya'll thank you for the comments about calling the dr. I did not get around to doing that but i probably will monday. I didn't post yesterday cause connor got sick late yesterday afternoon. He started running temp. so i was trying to keep it down. It freaks me out everytime his temp goes up cause when he was 3 he had a high temperture and he had a seizure at dads, yes this was while i was looking after dad and was having to carry connor over there with me alot. Anyway i do the lukewarm bath, rotate from motrin to tylenol, popicles, cold drinks anything to get his temp down. I was up late with him last night and then he woke up later in the night running temp again. So he stayed out of school today, he is feeling better but still has a bad cough.
I am still having the choking feeling at times( not all the time). I am just ready to get this damn ultrasound done on my thyroid (wednesday) and then get the results. Actually, I am thinking about going to the hospital thursday or friday and see if they have the results in and maybe i can pick them up from the hospital. There's no telling how long i will have to wait for the results. My energy level is picking up some and i have lost 4 lbs so far since taking the meds. I am trying to eat better, drink water all the good stuff. So i am guessing this is going to have to be a new way of eating/living for me. Well i got to get off of here. I got to run to the store and get some cat food before hubby leaves for work tonight. Take care all. Love and hugs stormy

Well, Mom's new $7500 wheelchair is here! It's a beauty, but can't see where it would cost that much!!! Bad news is they had to measure with her in the chair, to get the specs right for the tray, so I still have to tie her shoulders back with a gait belt, or she is leaning down to reach for things on the floor. the rep adjusted the seat back and head rest once he got her in the chair. the good news is I can tilt her back with one finger on this little lever. this gets her feet off the floor and she can no longer push herself backwards into everything in her path! Also, the foot rests are close together, so no gap to wedge her feet between. And there are stopper wheels on the back so she cant tip the chair over. Now all we need is the tray to keep her from bending forward.
She's been sitting ion it for 3 hours and seem pretty content. It has some give between the seat and the frame, so when she moves, it has some movement too, so she isn't getting as frustrated and agitated. She has already tried to pull the arms off and has released one of the wheel brakes. the brakes on her original chair are shot from her pulling on the levers like they were a car shifter!. I sure hope she doesn't find a way to destroy this chair!
Judy, I love the ocean too! First time i ever saw it, I was 14 years old. I went for a week ti Salisbury with a friend and her family, and fell in love!! It's been 3 years since I have seen the Atlantic and I miss the sights, sounds, and smells too. you can keep your desert! I'm sure it's beautiful, but I hate the heat! and I love snow!
Almost time for Mom's pills and then bed for her. Yay!!!
Been a real nasty, gloomy, rainy day here, but the temps have been in the 60's all day.Off to get Mom ready for bed!

Hi Y'all,
It's been another crazy day! Since I forgot mom's appointment yesterday I called the Coumadin Clinic and they were able to squeeze her in today. Since I was home early I thought let me get some calls made to the various medical facilities I still owe money to. THat was a waste of time since all the offices seemed to close early because it was Friday. So I guess this task get put on my list again for Monday.
Deef, that sounds like one spiffy wheelchair. Mom so far is able to sit upright, but she does lean over to the right. Luckily mom doesn't scour the floor for imaginary things when she is in her wheelchair, but she does it when she is in her recliner. Thats when I really need to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't fall on her face. At least she ate pretty good tonight. She was even able to feed herself once I got the food on the fork. We made it back to the recliner in the living room. I asked James to put about 2 gallons of gas in the gas can so I could mow the lawn tomorrow. Mom got it in her head that I was going to put gas on the walls. I guess that was a short circuit in her brain since she say me using a insecticide in the kitchen. For some reason my kitchen has been invaded by roaches! It is absolutely disgusting!!!! WHen I first saw them in May I called the pest control company and had them spray. That didn't do anything to kill them off. I use Raid and the roaches laugh at me. Now I have one of those home pest control sprays that is supposed to last 6 months. It doesn't seem to be making much of a difference either. I tried boric acid, no success. Anyone have any suggestions? I was going to use a fogger in the house but don't have anywhere to take mom while it goes off and I clean up afterward. At least I'm not afraid of roaches, but I am disgusted by them. You would think they would go after the cat food. No, the decide to set up house in my phone base, the back of my refridgerator, the coffee maker. WTF?
James got the night off from the fair, but he has to work 12 hours tomorrow. I feel so bad for him since he is really suffering with his feet and legs from standing 8 - 10 hours straight. He hasn't worked since last November, so he is out of practice. His old job he was on his feet all the time.
Well I'm going to watch these crazy brides say "yes to the dress". Hell the money they pay for a wedding dress I want as a down payment on a house! First I would tell them, dont get married. If they insisted, I'd tell them to elope. Can you tell I'm a little put off by marriage? When I see these controlling fiances that won't even let the bride select their own dresses I really feel like saying, run while you can!!!
I guess Im rambling on here. Have a good night everyone!

Love ya,
Diane

Diane, you need to find the eggs. You can keep killing the live ones, but one egg contains a LOT of cockroaches in it. I watched that show in which that punky looking guy (I think he's too old to go around looking like a goth punker) pest-guy reality show. He's uses a special vacuum to suck up those gross roaches. Then they put some kind of bait on all the places that the roaches gather (like behind photos, fridge, etc..) The roaches eat it and then go back to their nest - and infects the nest. As for me, I just keep spraying those buggers with Raid or Black Flag. I keep forgetting which one is the GOOD one. One of those sprays - I have to spray a lot to knock out one big roach (about 1 1/2 inches). The other one, I spray one time - and it kills that sucker. Spray and Run! The roaches here flies - fast, too.

Book! We get those giant roaches here in Arizona too - and I've seen them fly! They're like something from a horror movie. I've never had one in this house, but in my mother's neighborhood, I've seen them. I had one fly at me in her kitchen before. She'd get one in her house a few times a year and she'd freak out. After she had it treated for termites, they disappeared. I've got enough to deal with, with the scorpions. I don't need another bug type critter.
Diane, I think you need a bug service. I know it sucks, but I have my house treated every month to keep the scorpions at bay. We pay $42 a month, and the guy comes and sprays the yard and then dusts the inside of the house with something non toxic. By the time you buy the sprays and whatever else, you just might be paying as much as getting a bug man. It sounds like you're fighting a losing battle. With the bug man, if I see a scorpion at any time between services, I call, and he comes back out again and "re-treats" for free.

Hi everyone: Today is Garage Sale Day. Yeah! Wish us luck.

Deef: The wheelchair sounds awesome. Hope it makes things much easier.

Diane & Book: So sorry about the roaches. OMG.

Judy: I can't imagine scorpions.

I'll be back later. Got to go for now. Lots to do.

Love you all, cat.

Hi Cat, I hope your garage sale is productive and able to get rid of most of your stuff. ... I'm really, really scared of cockroaches. They a big and stinky and flies fast. I go beserk when it flies and I see a bit of it and then WHACK it lands on me! I'm screaming with my mouth shut, jumping up and down swishing my clothes trying to get it off me. Because the cockroaches flies and runs straight to you, I've learned as a child to Not Scream with my mouth open. I was always scared that the cockroach will view my open mouth as a cave and think of it as safe haven. And will fly into it. UGH!! So, I rarely scream with my mouth open. Most likely, we kids must have watched a horror movie when something flew into the screaming lady's mouth. Where else would an elementary kid come up with THAT reasoning. I can smell A cockroach. I walk in the bathroom, I can smell it and I KNOW there's one roaming. I look all around and find it. Same with the kitchen. I walk out, and I can smell it. I go and get my handy Raid/Black Flagg (strategically placed near bedroom door and outside the bathroom door, and near the kitchen door.)

Most of my sisters and nieces are more scared of lizards than cockroaches. We have outside lizards that are black or green. We also have inside lizards that are white (not pure white but dirty white.) The lizards like to stay on the wall near the light (bugs hang out there). Lizards can also fall off the ceiling to the floor (so avoid walking uder a lizard on the ceiling.) And ...the lizards Jump and if you happen to be close by, it will jump on you.....sis/niece can scream their heads off Loud and Long - as if they saw a rat - but it's ONLY a lizard! I keep telling them not to scream with their mouth open because the lizard - scared from the screaming - might think their mouth is hiding place. ... Oh, my brother used to work at the hotel years ago in housekeeping (he worked his way up to cooking and then to accounting.) He said that he received a call from 2 Japanese female tourists. They kept repeating "crocodile." He was wondering, "Crocodile?" And then they pointed to the wall. It was a lizard. We thought it was funny! They thought the lizard was a small crocodile! But people from the mainland and other countries do freak out about the indoor lizards.

Deef - my eyes opened wide when you mention the cost of the wheelchair. But when you started describing it's features - now I see why.

Hey, Judy, I would also pay the pest control guy to come monthly if I have scorpions as the native bug.

Well old topic but new comment...I just saw this title and had to investigate...apparently I am not to bad off yet but mother makes me crazy...grosses me out...although I keep a box of tissues rite next to her 24/7 She coughs up flem and wipes it wherever she feels like it...often when i am tending to her I get a nice suprise-stick my hand in it. no warning its almost invisible reletively small and oderless so it always gets me ughh just typing this makes me wanna gag! Thanks for the vent!

And she groans/growls while breathing. when we are relaxing together...sometimes I just wanna stick a sock in her mouth...the constant repititive and pitch of it is so irritating, it's like nails on a chalkboard sometimes! i often do ask her to try to control it but it is only momentary and I feel really GUILTY bout the whole issue I have with it!!

Oh, Juju, how gross. I can take poop and even vomit, but boogers and phlegm? Ugh. I grimaced while reading your comment. My heart goes out to you.

Book - the scorpions are evil. I couldn't live here without my bug service. The night we moved in, we found 7 scorpions in the kitchen/family room. I was hysterical. The previous family didn't treat the place, and the scorpions were pretty comfy here. Even with monthly treatment, I always shake shoes upside down to make sure they're empty and I never, ever stick my hand under the couch or anywhere that I can't see clearly. Those stings HURT. Plus, they're just gross critters.
Taking my middle boy out for a winter coat and boots. His university is in the mountains and it can get below zero there with lots of snow. It seems so funny to be shopping for winter things when its 90 outside. He'll go back to school tomorrow prepared for the cold though.
I hope everyone has a good day.

J.

I think I solved the pooping problem. My partner would have a movement and then try to wipe himself and it got all over his hands, toilet seat, clothes, sink, towels, etc. I finally said, "do not go to the bathroom without telling me you're going." Now I go with him and clean him before he has a chance to get messed up. Boy, does that solve a lot of aggravation!

Hi Juju! Yep, yours wins hands down with the grossness. I still get disgusted touching mom’s phlegm or her saliva by accident. As for the groaning/growling, my father used to make this clicking noise. It just drove me crazy. I finally blew up and told him to knock it off! He did. He does it once in a while but not for hours and hours, day after day. That clicking noise sounds like what the construction workers do when they see a female. Not the whistling kind but the clicking of the tongue kind.

Judy, we live in a Pacific island. But Macys, Kmart and Ross are selling Winter clothes! I’m trying to find thin (but NOT see through) short-sleeve blouses. But they have some very pretty winter coats! I actually used my Macy’s Gift card to splurge on a pink raincoat. I tried it on and it’s not going to make me sweat like crazy because of the inner stuffing is not thick at all.

Mama – good for you on thinking of doing that! My father’s “regular” time to go is at night time. Unfortunately, because it’s night, I don’t change his pampers/Depends. So, in the morning, I always hope he hasn’t Touched it. Sigh… Wishful thinking.

HOWDY!

I just wanted to check in with everyone and give a little update on what has been going on with me. When I was in the trenches with Caregiving for Mom, this was where I got some strength. Actually this is where I got whatever strength I could claim. I hope you all are still staying strong.

Since Mom died in May, I've been through hell, (PLEASE check into 'Complicated Grief' now, just a heads up.) then I was alright, then back to hell, and lately, if I'm not speaking too soon, I feel as if I just might be able to ... not regain my life, but start again and continue A life, although it certainly won't be anything like what I was living pre-caregiving. I know that, and that's OK.

So I wanted to stop by just to let those who might remember me, and those who don't, that after however many years of dedication to my Mom, I actually am still alive! And looking forward to happiness. I've been accepted to a school in a field that I have always loved but never even considered turning into a career. When I wake in the morning, I no longer dread the hours of waiting with my coffee to listen for signs of life from Mom's room. I wake thinking of MY life, and I'm eager to get up and live it.

Those who might remember me might also remember that my time as a caregiver came real close to being too much for me, I'm still not completely sure if I've made it through"OK" and I realize that I will always carry the effects of being a Caregiver with me, but I DID make it through. And I credit this thread as being the one thread I could hold on to when I (honestly) was just about ready to let it all go.

The lack of support, no, the SUBTRACTION of support from my siblings (Mom's and my only family) had a very negative effect on the whole experience for me AND for Mom. It took a handful of absolute strangers from the Grossed Out thread to keep me focused on the job at hand, the Health, Happiness and Well-being of Mom for which I was her only chance, and to consistantly remind me that MY OWN Well-being was just as important to someone, somewhere (BOAT!).

I know I was damn lucky to stumble into this thing, and damn lucky to find the support here that I did find. A huge THANK YOU to all my all GO buddies (didn't we used to give each other hugs or something? WINE! That was it! We gave each other WINE!)

Yes, Mom died, and only with the surprisingly strong and constant support (and Laughter and even some 'Tough Love' every now and then) from people I would have never met without this thread (I love you Bobbie), I did not die.

So listen. This is to say that yeah, there will be life after death. There will be renewal and there will be change, there will be excruciating heartbreak, there will be fear and guilt and pride and confusion, and there will be the knowledge that you were and are loved, there will be TRUE hope. And there WILL be life again, Yours.

Stay Strong, Ted.

Ted, it is so good to hear from you! I'm glad that you are getting your life on track again. You said something in your post that really hit home for me "The lack of support, no, the SUBTRACTION of support from my siblings (Mom's and my only family) had a very negative effect on the whole experience for me AND for Mom". I think this has been the most difficult part of the caregiving process. Like you I've learned that my real support came from the folks on this thread and a few very good friends.
Stop by and say hello again. We would love to here how you are progressing!

Love and hugs,
Diane

Ted ...

Timing ...

Make CGL happen!

Cheers ~
Rip&Pets
sans Sir

Ted!
I love you too Dude!
lovbob