Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

Mame – I agree with you about the Traditional sponge bathing is not enough. When father first had the Catholic Social Service come in once a week to bathe mom, he fought hard for them to do it HIS way. It’s really a messy way of cleaning mom while bedridden. Their way: they drown the darn face cloth with body wash, put on her body, pour more body wash, etc.. They overdo it with the body wash and then they use another face cloth, dip it in the clean container, and use that to wipe off mom’s very soapy body, and they’re done. You take your finger and slide it against her skin – and it’s Very Soapy! At first we didn’t say anything, then mom started getting really really bad rashes all over her upper torso and under her arm areas. Finally father put his foot down. He insisted that they use this small bowl and POUR the water on mom to rinse out the body wash. It worked. So, mom still gets “sponge bathed” but they now pour water over her. The bed gets wet. And if they’re experienced enough, all the water stays on the hospital bed and NOT get to the floor. Since then, we have drastically cut down on mom’s body rashes.

I have no problems with holidays because I don’t cook at all for it. Family cooks and brings it over here and we set it up on the front porch area. The only negative thing on this is that everyone stays on the porch, and no one comes in to see mom or father. So, we can have all these BBQ and family of next door have not seen parents in years.

Jen, I wish my stomach could not be so picky about the water.
Hope you all have a good time!

Diane, are you game on trying something new? I thought it was gross and worried how it would affect my acid reflux. So far, all it does is make me bloated. Of course, I over did it and drank like 16oz of it in one day, and then againt the next day - my acid reflux spoke up and gave me an upper left chest pain. So, I backed off some on drinking it.

Try this and see if it will help with you: 8 oz water + 2 TBS Apple cider vinegar (we always buy organic with all those stuff floating inside) + 1 TBS Honey (we always have this in supply since honey is "good for you"). Best if the water is warm. Mix it well and drink it.

I made one 16oz mix and sipped it the whole day. I felt my sinus draining Inside, and once or twice - out from the nose. But, I could feel my stuffed head clearing.

Did you know - one time - I thought I had the flu (coughing, sneezing, stuffy nose) for over a month. I tried DayQuil, NyQuil, Vicks Vaporub, Robitissum, etc... I finally gave up and went to the clinic. My doc was an internist. He heard me out, all that I did to try to get rid of the flu and how my ribs now hurt so bad from coughing all the time.

Do you know what he said? "You don't have the flu. You're having allergy problem." Sure enough, after that, if the Cough medicines for the flu don't work, I then take Sudafed or Benadryl - and I get better! So, try the water/apple cider vinegar/honey BEFORE going to the clinic. Doesn't hurt, right? Unless you're diabetic? I hope you get better soon! HUGS!!!

onions plz , get them onions out and see if its true or not . snoops thinks they know it all ugh . this came from old wifes tales , grannys always right . oh hell wiskey sounds even better now ! go for it !!!

bonfire ummm maybe ... going to mil tmr . prob smother myself with beer . will see if i hurt the next day .

you all have a happy thanksgiving and sending you all bunches of huggies and more huggies . xoxo

Hi Diane: I'm right here, checking in and passing on my best wishes to everyone for a "good as it can be TG." Diane, let your mom go to your brother's for Thanksgiving and enjoy some quite time with your BF and the great food you have made. Put your feet up and watch a movie. Your mom will enjoy the leftovers on Friday at your home and you can set a pretty table and make it special for her then. No excuse for your brother and his crappy behavior, but let it go and embrace some time alone. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Meanwhile. I hear you and hope tomorrow is a good day for you, Indio and the family. I hope Omaha is staying healthy.

Book: Enjoy the BBQ.

Mame: Hope you have fun with your son and a great holiday. You've been listening to Christmas music since November 1st? It's great that you and your mom can enjoy this time together.

Bobbie: I can smell the Turkey coming from the boat.

Jen: Wish it could be better for you. At least the pre-made meal will be a lot less work and hassle. Hope you enjoy the food.

Cricket: What are you serving tomorrow?

Judy: Where the heck are you. Are you practicing your Grinch routine for Christmas?

Stormy: Have a good Thanksgiving and a fun birthday party.

Austin: What are your plans?

Deef: If I recall, it's just your family? Hope it's a good day for you.

Linda: Hoping you have a good day tomorrow.

We are going out to eat tomorrow. I was actually excited about cooking and had bought a turkey, etc., but our son wants to go out to eat. He's been preparing non-stop for a special Thanksgiving at the nursing home, cooking turkeys, etc., so he would just prefer to go out. No problem. I will cook my turkey later in the week and freeze leftovers. I love turkey noodle soup.

I've been thinking that I have a lot to be grateful for and that's what it's all about anyway, so eating out or in doesn't really matter.

By the way, my Granddaughter, Amanda, called the other day. She is so excited. She has gotten an internship with an accounting firm. The company was her first choice and she was so hoping they would take her on. She starts working there on Dec 17th and continues through tax season. Best of all, they are going to pay her $15.00 an hour. Amanda is carrying 20 units in college and works a good 30 hours per week at a restaurant. She now works in the bar section and makes really good tips, so she was a little worried about a decrease in income during the internship. Well, her husband (getting use to saying that) had a good job as a communications person for the state or city transportation department, but he applied for a Director of Communications position with a bank and got the job. Just started this week. His salary doubled and they have great benefits. Perfect timing as it will make up the difference in their income. Amanda's boss at the restaurant told her he'd keep her job open for her and she could come back when the internship ended. I am so happy for both of them. That girl is such a bright light in our lives. Just love her to pieces.

Well, I hope everyone enjoys tomorrow as much as possible. Wishing you all some happiness and sending tons of love to each of you.

If I overlooked anyone, please know you are in my heart.

Cattails

Damn!!! Looks like a UTI for sure! Just got done with cipro 3weeks ago. And wouldn't you know the office id closed until Monday!!! Looks like a visit to the ER this weekend for sure. Giving her extra macrodantin in the meantime.
What a time I had getting her to bed. Took my BP and is was 156/94 and my pulse was 125, 5 minutes after getting her tucked in. And I took my heart and BP meds today.
Pumpkin pie is finishing up in the oven and I have to make the cornbread stuffing yet, but Merry is coming at 10 tomorrow, (her family is having their TG dinner on Friday). So I may just do that tomorrow. I need to get the roaster out and get the innards out of the turkey tonight. I'll get it in the oven for 7 tomorrow morning.
Tonight I need to get all the ribbon and twine on my finished ornaments, and block another scarf and shawl.
Austin, my first craft show is this Saturday. Go figure there is no daycare on Friday and Merry can't work. Trying to see if Faith will come for the afternoon so I can get all my gear ready and in the car for a quick getaway on Saturday morning.
Stormy, happy B'day to Connor!
Hey there Yogi and Joinco. I can't eat with Mom either. Of course I am usually feeding her!
Linda, hope your neck feels better! And yes, alcohol will be a good thing tomorrow!!!
Cuz, Thanks! I would love to be on the boat someday!
Mame, It must be so nice to have your son home. I like the holidays too and so does my husband, but he doesn't like to help decorate, so I do what I can. I used to do a whole lot more, but no time right now.
Book, Dinner on the porch sounds wonderful! We are supposed to have fairly warm weather here and may sit on the porch after dinner, to get some air.
Jen, premade sounds good right about now, but I would miss my family traditional stuffing, etc.
Bobbie, love the jokes, even though I don't feel too much like laughing at the moment. Of course no sibs have called or asked what we are doing with Mom tomorrow. Fine with me! No goody bags this year for X-mas, just lumps of coal!!! Hope I can find some.
Diane, Nothing like a bad cold-flu when you have asthma. Very scary when the breathing gets rough. Do you have a cool mist humidifier? It helps me a LOT when I have a cold. Keeps the gunk moving. Also, I always have those mucous relief caplets on hand. You can get the generic at Walmart, or even the dollar store and they work just fine. And, don't feel jealous about Mom going to your brother's for the day. Just the 2 of you enjoy the good meal and the peace and quiet. Maybe even go out for a ride and get lost so your not at home when Mom gets brought back. They'll handle her just fine.
Meanwhile, Judy, Cat, and everyone else I have missed, hope you all have a peaceful, happy and safe holiday!

So glad I'm cooking and being busy for tomorrow. Staying busy keeps me from sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Deef, sorry about your Mom, is there anyway to get more liquids down here. Sometimes elderly patients get UTI's from just being too dehydrated. Getting them to drink more can be difficult, though.
Cat, Omaha is doing great. My sister rode him this afternoon to help me move some of the goats to another pasture. I rode an older more experienced horse, since we were dealing with the buck goat. Sis was riding him down to the mailbox last week, when the lady that runs the horse rescue was driving by. She stopped and couldn't believe how good Omaha looked. I had emailed her some pictures, but he looks even better in person.
Diane, Book, hope you get better soon. Take care everyone.

Hey everyone, I wanted to thank everyone for Connor's Happy Birthday wishes. He had a good day, but i am sure when he has his party it will be a better day, he is ready for all his gifts. We gave him a few gifts yesterday but his other gifts we are saving for his party. Then he got a batman costume and batman pjs from his papa today. Oh and he is selling the candy bars for his school (first time selling anything) he is quite the saleman! He sold 60 candy bars (his whole box) in just a couple of hours at the store. Now he is own he second box and his uncle chip told him he would buy a whole box from him. That will be his third box. A lady came into the store and connor asked her if she wanted to buy a candy bar and she said no. And his reply was, Why? Then he said, Thank You. I told him to say thank you even if they didn't buy a candy bar. He was so cute selling them. When someone would buy one he would say ok lets go find the next customer. Hehe.....

Bobbie- I hope the RA gets better, my mom had that mess for years and it was so painful for her and for us to see her hurting and to have to get shots in her knuckles, cause they had to go to the bone. Ouch.... I hope you and the boat have a good TG!
Mame- was your mom able to help with those pies?
Meanwhile- I hope you have a good TG!
Jen- I know the premade is alot easier. All this cooking can wear you down.
Diane and Book- when i start to feeling sick, my sinuses always start to drain down my throat and then the cold goes to my chest. I hate that cause then i cough for weeks so i take clariden d (sp?) and mucinex. Clariden to dry up my sinuses so it doesn't drain into my chest and the mucinex to loosen the shit in my chest and it does help. Neti pot helps too! It makes my head feel all clear. Book, has your mom got a little ceramic decorative looking tea pot (not a real tea pot) something with spout. If so you can wash that out and put in some lukewarm water with a pinch of salt and use that. I did that for a while until i could buy a neti pot. I hope you both feel better!
Linda - I think i might need a drink too tomorrow and definely one sunday after connor's party gonna be a too busy week. Whew.......
Cat- thinking of you. I know this is the first TG without your dad. You are in my prayers.
Deef- I hope tomorrow will be a easier day for you!
I know i have forgotten someone just know that i am thinking about all of you and i am so thankful for all of you and for your support you have given me. I am very blessed to have you all as my friends. Love and hugs to all of you! I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving. Stormy.

Here's a bitter funny one for me here anyhow....when my niece came yesterday with her fiancee' nice guy. niece said in a funny huff she "Didn't want your money anymore for Christmas!" Meaning the $100 fp "gives" everyone in an envelope. twenty years ago it was grandma gave everyone $50. and that was just kids grand kids and husband so six people, now it is $100 and some 16 people. And Mr. cheap ass really heard THAT! he came to mom after they left and said..."Did M say she didn't want the money?" He was excited, expectant. Mom got right on it. "We're not doing that, EVERYONE GETS THE SAME, We're GOING TO KEEP THE TRADITION."......he shut up and left. she has had a day to alter the tones and add her denial and re-assemble what she heard. I mentioned it and she said...."He felt bad she didn't want the money." Pahahahahaa I said he jumped right on that." Last year he said how about he give D my a hole brother his $100 and he could SPLIT it with his boys..." pahahaha ma, yes, tell yourself DDDDAAADDDEEEEE feels bad. What he feels; is that $100 dollars is a lot of money and he doesn't want to give everyone money anymore. It was grandmas idea and she handled the cash, and he is a cheap idiot who has no idea how much money he has and thinks like it is 1922. But mom makes herself feel better thinking he just felt bad for my niece. right. the visit itself was hilarious. M is truly a dolt. Kind of an air head, you know "fools and children tell the truth" fart pants would break into conversation mid way, add things that made no sense, that no one gave a shit about, but everyone stops and listened to. and Niece would say "You told me that already grandpa..." or "O.K. that doesn't have anything to do with what we were talking about...God it was hilarious. He went and got a magazine and showed her pictures of hats and boots and told her how much they cost. "Them hats cost $65.00!" It is still funny. yes find your glimmers where you can.

Thank everyone for well wishes and support have a good day tomorrow all! JEN

I say we all have a good drink after Conner's birthday party. Let's set a time and propose a toast to all of us. Lord knows, we deserve it. Bobbie, you can do water. Book, find something you can drink.

Hugs my warrior sisters. You are all so awesome.

Cat, will try, but I don't even like the Ice coolers.
I'm sooo tired. Even though everyone's out on the porch, and I'm in the livingroom, I'd like everyone to just go home now. It's almost 4pm, TG is almost over, work tomorrow, so, why aren't everyone calling an early end? I still need to change the parent's pampers and I'd like to do that without people coming/going thru the livingroom to go to the restroom. Okay...it's my tiredness talking. But, truly, company wears me out - even if it is just sis and the kids. I put away some chicken soup for dinner tonight. And 2 pieces of coconut pie (haven't tried it yet but everyone said it's delicious.) Later!!! company coming in...

Oops...meant Wine Coolers!

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll!!!
Jen- Funny about FP!!! Have a good one!
Cat- It sounds like a plan to me, I'm gonna have me a frozen pina coloda. They come in the pouches already made up, just freeze and squeeze and open and drink!!! I am hoping that we will be home by 5:00. Party gets over at 4:00. Have a good one, Cat!!
Book- I guess by now your family has left the house or at least i hope so or you are going to be crazy, I know. I know the feeling ready to see them and ready to see them go....... Gets some rest, girlie.

I was wondering if ya'll knew something about if you can catch the black friday sale by ordering toys online? If anyone knows, let me know. Cause i am going to have connor with me tomorrow and for the next several days and i won't be able to do any shopping plus I have to go to dads tomorrow with my little wild man. I love connor to death, but it stresses me out to no end having to deal with a 6 yr old and a elder at the same time. Cause they both are calling or wanting something from me. Lord help me these next few days. And i am trying to not even think about when he is out for CHRISTMAS!!! He will be out for 2 weeks or longer. I will be ready for the straight jacket and padded room having to drag him over to dads everyday. Can't think about it, i will start stressing. Ya'll understand, right? Well i need to get off of here and start getting ready to go to our uncle's house. That's where we eat at, we have about 40 or 50 people out there- aunts, uncles, cousins, etc......Love and hugs stormy.
Book- I hope the family

Stormy, HLN recommends online shopping. It seems the online prices are better than the Black Friday at the store. They have noted that these stores says it's on sale for $578.00 but just last month that same item was $538.00. This is happening with Home Depot, Kmart, etc.... So HLN is saying that these Black Friday sales were jacked up and then given a "sale price" that is a normal price.

So, they recommend online shopping. Later...time to sleep.

Well the bird is ready to go into the oven! Mom of course is still in bed. She woke me up from about 4:30am and then again every hour after that. She swore she was dying, again! I'm still coughing and blowing, but luckily no one has caught whatever it is that I have. Book, I've got nothing to lose so I will give the vinegar solution a try. I've actually read a tablespoon of cider vinegar daily helps with arthritis pain too.
Stormy, I can't even imagine having to nurture a child while caregiving. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. Yesterday I was watching Dr. Oz and they had a segment on adult adhd and I swear I have it! I am always feeling overwhelmed. I'll talk with my psychiatrist and see what he has to say.
Deef, sorry I missed you earlier in my list of wishes. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I wish I lived nearby so I watch mom for you to do the craft show.
I'm in on the group toast. Tell me a time and I'll be online! I deserve a glass of wine after all this crap :). Lildeb I somehow missed you in my Thanksgiving wishes too. I hope you can have a delicious and healthy Thanksgiving. I find this time of year to be really tough to resist all the yummy sweet treats.
Shirley, please post a picture of Omaha on FB. I'd love to see him!
Everyone enjoy your Thanksgiving however you spend it. Again, I am very greatful for your support and friendship.
Love ya,
Diane

Thanks Book for the info on the online shopping.
Diane- I know it will be hard, but i hope you can get some rest today! And thanks for understanding about the caregiving for a child and elder at the same time. It is difficult to say the least.
Lil deb- I also missed you in my list of wishes, but i hope you have a great day too! Love ya'll stormy!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

We were thankful for a nice roast beef and lots of other stuff.

lovbob

Hi All, enjoy your day!

Just a quick drive-by cuz I have to do the parents and get ready for work. Yesterday, father was in a bad mood - all against me. I should Not elevate mom when feeding her via the feeding tube. I should not use 2 different suction hose for the mouth and throat - one would do. I should feed mom on the Regular time: 8am, 12noon and 5pm - even though her stomach is still full (my sched for mom is 8am, 1pm, and 6pm. He accused me of hiding his herbals because when oldest sis can't find it in the corner of the room, I come home and find it in the same corner. I told him that sis is blind and can't find anything! He says he's a very good detective and he KNOWS that I'm hiding his herbals and giving it away.

So, this 230am, I smelled poop. Opened my eyes and he's enthusiastically digging into his butt. I didn't say anything because he might just scoop the damn stuff and throw it at me. I woke up at 5:50am dreading cleaning the mess. You all know that this is the part I'm having problem with - not the gross trache or bleeding stomach tube hole. It's the poop. Finally got off the sofa bed when I had to sneeze exactly at 6am - the poop smell is very, very strong. My sinus blocks my sense of smell. Ohhhh, I can smell those poop!!!

Gotta go. I hope I don't go over the deep end like the last time. Most likely the waterworks from my eyes will start pouring when I come back after work to update you all that I'm sooo proud that I handled it well (like the last time.) Sigh....

Why Couldn't He Have Done This Yesterday our Thanksgiving Day?!!!

FYI, I hope you all enjoy your day. Somebody might as well! Enjoy your family and the good delicious food, etc...

Despite the setback of my oven dying this afternoon, James and I had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner. We just had enough time to finish eating when my brother brought mom back home. I find myself simmering over the fact that my family got together and celebrated Thanksgiving, excluding James and I. Who the hell do they think they are that they have a right to judge me and dole out "punishment"? They are a bunch of self-righteous assholes. I get so angry at their arrogance. I know I shouldn't let them hurt me, but it gets to me all the time. The other annoyance is that of course mom didn't act like a complete crazy person like she does with me. Why is it she can act normal with the people she sees once a year but a complete helpless dolt when she is with me? Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my day with James, but it does hurt to be ostracized by my family.
I hope everyone had a nice day with little or no drama.

Mom has been asking me since 7pm if she could go to bed. I try to keep her up until at least 9pm so hopefully she won't have me up 50 times through the night. (pm arrives and I go to get her up out the recliner to go to bed. She starts hallucinating and insists the kitchen is on fire. No matter what I say I cannot convince her the kitchen is NOT on fire. I let her sit in the recliner for awhile longer while she keeps insisting there is a fire. I tried to give her the bedtime meds and she spits them out at me. I just backed off and let her sit. She finally dozed off and I just got her in bed. She evidently didn't remember the fire episode and she took her meds peacefully. It really makes you wonder how their demented minds work. Well I am heading to bed too. Have a good night!

We had a fun afternoon. Met out son and his girlfriend, Karen, at the casino for the Thanksgiving Buffet. This was at 2pm and the expected wait was 2 hours. So we all got a drink and headed for the penny slot machines. Warren and I have a favorite one and so we settled in, 4 in a row, and held our own until our names were called.

The food was fine and it was nice to sit down and catch up over a meal that no one had to cook. After dinner, we came back to our house and played a game of tiles. I just love that game.

Nick and Karen have to work tomorrow, so they left around 7pm and I was in my jammies about 10 minutes later. It was a fun, easy time.

Diane: I understand how you feel. Your brother is an ass to exclude you from the family dinner. I'm surprised he could do that and not feel terribly guilty. That's really cruel and I'm sorry it's so hurtful to you. You deserve so much better.

By the way, Diane, I was reading on another thread that melatonin (sp) can be used to help a person sleep. I've heard some bad things about it too, but it's over the counter and possibly you could check with your mom's doc to see if it would be safe to try. Deef might know something about this.

Mame, glad you had a nice day. Meanwhile, I got my walk in this morning. Bobbie, your dinner sounds great. Hope everyone else did ok.

On a lighter note, we have a little water feature in our yard. The water comes out of a rock. We can turn it on from inside the house. Our dog, Mattie, likes to lap up water from the rock when it's on. If it's off, she will go over to the rock and lick it. Most of the time, we see her from the house and then turn it on. Presto, instant water. I'm sure she considers it her magic rock. You just lick it, stare at it for a second, listen for the gurgling sound and drink all you want. Life is good when you're simple.

OK, everyone. One holiday down and one more to go.

Love you all, Cat

Diane, sorry your family is just a bunch of turkeys. They should be roasted.

I think I'm finally starting to feel like I'm kicking this crap I've had so long. I hadn't even tried Books vinegar solution yet. I plan to go to work for a few hours tomorrow. We have atrip leaving for the USC/Clemson game. I can also use the quiet to try catch-up on all I have missed.
Unfortunately the holiday depression is sinking in more and more. I've been trying to keep it away, but the black hole has engulfed me again. I just feel incredibly sad all the time.
I just sat down and mom needs to go to the bathroom now. I will check back in later.

Now I am pissed off. My mother starts her usual bullshit because I wouldn't let her sit when her butt hadn't even gotten to the toilet. Her body is twisted and she can't comprehend that her bottom does not line up with her shoulders. She tries to sit in chairs or the toilet that isn't under her bottom. She argues over EVERYTHING! If I don't make her move over she will end up falling on the floor. I am so tired of caregiving. At this point she is a mean and angry stranger that I'm stuck with. I feel like I've lost me, my health, my career, my finances, ny insurance, everything to take care of this stranger. All I have to look forward to is being kicked out my home and not having money to take care of myself. I keep feeling I'm going to end up under a bridge. All I do is cry everyday of life. This is not what life is supposed to be.

Diane, you sound like you're at the end of your rope. Wish I could help you. You're right, crying every day isn't what life is supposed to be like. What can you do to get some relief? You need it NOW. You've been sick and you're exhausted and your mother isn't who she used to be... Who can you call? I totally understand the holiday depression. They get to me too. I don't feel quite myself from Thanksgiving on, until the new year begins.
I hope you get some help. I wish I could run over in my jammies and hang out and give you a hand. But, I'm here and you're there and all I can do is send you a cyber hand holding and hug. Hang in there.

Diane and I will be leaving for Tahiti and not coming back ever ever ever...

Um my thanksgiving was beyond horrid. I knew ex abusive brother the cop was coming during duty radio on check for calls DV shootings what have you...

It has been 24 hours I have not slept yet, he apparently has been stewing this for some time....We had a Thanksgiving Ambush.

I don't recall what brought it up when how just that all of the sudden it was all on the table, the incest the abuse the bullshit childhood, fart pants sitting there taking it all in probably getting excited. My brother told me and mom that on his death bed, dying of AIDS my father admitted he had molested him (brother) for years. That he brother knows our father literally choreographed the sexual abuse between us, that bits and pieces he was not aware of now fit into place, that stuff i wondered about but no never asked why would I came out. mom crying him crying me crying holding hands. He was very Pro therapy, very upset, has been talking about this with his wife and shrink after contemplating killing himself by driving in front of a semi...etc. i can understand a lot of my abuse issues now but he was so brutal and forced and kept saying at me over and over OK what else, what else is there just get it out. I want closure I want to have some sort of relationship with you... Like just becasue he has NOW started dealing with his issues, (he has no memories of the sexual assaults just that dad told him when he was 15) But he seemed no matter what he said the same pushy bullying judgmental jerk he always has been, He apologized over and over to me for what he did, said, what happened and Once again insisted I forgive him (he is a Christian) He is now telling ME to go back to therapy, apparently I have not been healing the RIGHT way, He has, once again he is right I am wrong. Everything or most everything is out, I told him about fp porn, but still kept it from my mother. (Next day fp app to dr and he couldn't even look at me, just backed away, Good Move shit pants) Mom as usual just shut down sat there upset but said little or when she did re told things I had heard before, that would lend compassion to my dead father who had none for me. My brother confirmed that dad had been particularly unkind to me, and he didn't know a third of it. I seem to have more memories than he does, he seems to have some information. Sort of a watershed moment. it would have been more healing and cathartic than upsetting and irritating had he not been so God Damn pushy , He was saying I WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW, I NEED TOTAL BRUTAL HONESTY I CAN'T KEEP CARRYING THIS GUILT AND REGRET AROUND WITH ME IT WILL KILL ME !
Literally said this, insisted on my telling him everything, i didn't but he was also defensive and apparently did not realize that when you request others be totally honest with you you very may well hear shit you don't like, does any one ever consider that in there confrontations. I have read the Courage to Heal like a life manual and here I was being LECTURED by one of my abusers about the right way to heal and move on and grieve and feel and deal, and oh he feels guilt and worried that I am indigent mentally ill and when mom dies plan to just kill my self and be done with it. It is not real solid plan. Spite is a good motivated, Mr forgiveness wants it all out and done with and lets pretend were happy family now...We never were....
i reminded him he used to tell me how to kill myself when we were teenagers, (now he is worried i will (God damn hypocrite narcissist). deef I wanted to call you but I just can't make myself reach out, but the thought you are there and care about me helped in ways you can never know.
I feel addled and sick and sleep deprived. I have spent years working on and analyzing this relationship i may love and hate him but I do not want an independent relationship with him, he says he is "not the man or boy he way 5 10 15 20 years ago, but he just doesn't see it. He is still pushy and manipulative and all this confrontation did was throw us for a loop and leave me here in despair while he goes home to his good looking loving wife and perfect golden child and well paying respected job and i stay here washing fart pants feces off the walls and backing out of rooms. He has no fucking clue and is NOT entitled to insist on ANYTHING FROM ME EVER! and he acts like he's entitled to it because he is doing his healing work. You need to do your healing work with someone else, you don't get to use me twice. Oh and the forgiveness thing...at my bedroom door when i was 14 and he'd just fed my up the ass, he knocked and said "I need you to forgive me becasue what we just did was a sin.' Update; he still believes it was a sin...and apparently my first time lie forgiveness wasn't enough. He came home from college and mentioned the abuse just once, he said "I remember what we did, when we were kid,s and I'm not ever gonna tell anybody..." I agreed then..I lied, I told him I told everybody. He said I was passive aggressive, and that isn't the way to deal wit h things...ah yes, right back where we were before only older. And yes you are turning into Dad the master manipulator, who taught you to treat me like shit. And turn it around and make me look like everything is my fault and you are right...Nothing has changed, nothing.
He has gotten the capital F fear of his own mortality and I have to suffer...
Yes Happy Fucking Thanksgiving....
I have a headache now. shocking I know.
Mom is almost being nice to me. I stole two dollars of fp gas money to buy a Power Ball ticket, I would now sell my soul to win, to get out of here forever, but I do not believe, anymore. I think part of me died yesterday. And all I was worried about was food poisoning.

Holy shit, Jenn.... I thought my thanksgiving dinner was a little tense. Your thanksgiving makes ours look like turkey with the Cleavers. You are one hell of a strong woman. I have much respect. You function. You go on. You put one foot in front of the other and you go on. They stole a lot from you, but I still remember the story you told about you sharing the blanket with the woman at the bus stop. They didn't steal everything. You are stronger than you think. You are a good, compassionate person and you deserve better. Sending you a big, warm hug and the warmth of our weird cyber friendship. xx

Hi Ladies,

I'm sure many of us here have experienced some kind of sexual abuse trauma. We all protect ourselves the best we know how to do and it is good to learn from our experiences and move through them. I know from my own experience of blocking it out for 30 yrs. it eventually left me so sick emotionally and physically that I was sleeping 20+ hours a day. Our minds and bodies will seek to find a release no matter how hard we try to avoid it. I went to counseling and it really didn't help, then I went to another counselor and was told I was over it, I wasn't.
Eventually I found a way to let go, forgive (not condone the wrong) and become a whole person again. It can be done but to do it we have to be willing to go within for the answers and face many truths and forgive even ourselves for holding on to the pain, blame and anger within that continuously torments. By doing this we don't undo the trauma because we can't change what happened but we CAN change how we continue to react to it and put all those feelings to rest and grow in embracing our own life anew. Believe me all the work within is so worth it!

Jen, I urge you to copy and paste what you wrote above and send it to your brother and put an end to his contacting you about it until YOU want to talk about it with him, and that might be never. It is your right and only you can make a stand for yourself with him. Set him straight for your own well being. It's a step in the right direction.

If anyone (Jen or others) is interested to know how I moved through the abuse and trauma on my own without a therapist I am always willing to share and help you make the journey for yourself. And no it wasn't religion that helped me although that is what helps many others. To each his or her own.

As always, love and many hugs to you all here.
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(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Chirp Chirp Cricket ღ

Thank you Diane Cricket and Bookworm, trifecta eh and all dealing with it differently.
I have no doubt I am living Dante middle ring of hell. Betrayal. I don't know, I may very well NOT be strong enough to be here, but i am a coward to be anywhere else.
Leftovers tonight first night I have been AT the table. fart Pants just moans and shovels food in till he coughs. yes go ahead choke to death it might be the best way.
Someone on TV playing Andy Williams It's The Most Wonderful time of The Year. I still like Christmas and will not let anyone ruin that for me. Be waiting to put up the decorations for two weeks. I even sent my Christmas cards out. The day after is OK right...
I am sorry to hear about everyone else very rotten childhood issues as well. Seems statistics bare us out, as women. one in three and varying degrees...
Been healing a while now, but this is a new chunk and it is gonna take a while to absorb. O n top of everything else. Why imagine my life "should" have been something else. It wasn't clearly. It can only be what I make it. well mostly.

I hope everyone else had Ok hols, or not insane anyway....Jen

Beh mom stomping around pissed, God i ate the damn leftovers. OK. Go back and read some more before she gets MORE pissed. yes all back to "normal" here. I have copied off everyone's responses to put in my journal.