Grossed out and need to vent—I just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!

JSomebody,
I was raped by my bro from the time I was 9-13. I told my mom when I was 14. NOTHING was ever done about it because my bro was 18 when I told my mom and she said he was too old to have anything done or to force him to get help. It was swept under the carpet. Four years later, at 18, I confronted my mom and asked why nothing was done after I told her my bro raped me. My mom flat out said she didn't know what to do. Fast forward 2 more years and it was a total of 6 years AFTER it ended and I still didn't receive any help. I was suicidal. I sought out a therapist. One who I had for about a year. She said she didn't have a magical wand for it to go away and I told her I was tired of coming to her because I would talk about the same thing and I wasn't getting anywhere. She had a smirk and said that's it. You can't do anything about it. It's over and done with. Didn't help. Several years later I talked to my bro. He had two boys. I asked if they were going to have anymore kids. He said he didn't know. I told him if they did, and it was a girl, I would spend the rest of my life in prison because I would kill him if he laid a hand on her. Supposedly he had told his wife what happened when we were kids. I do not believe he did. This past Sept. my mom's BF got sick and was hospitalized. My bro told me to go over to my mom's as I had taken care of her and her BF 6 years prior and prior to that just my mom. As I was taking care of my mom I started having severe anxiety attacks. I was there 24/7 I had cared for my mom for at least 15 years. Her BF and her had lived in my house with me. Anyway, I texted my bro and sis that I needed a break, that I had my own life and I couldn't do it by myself anymore. My mom and I had always been BFF's. When I couldn't care for my mom anymore, my bro got mad. Mad because his life was inconvenienced. My sis had always said she would never care for my mom or dad as they aged because they should have made plans to have themselves cared for. (My sis was molested by my dad and my parents long divorced.) Anyway, my bro has made sure since the beginning of Oct. last year that I not talk/see my mom. I changed my phone number, email address, blocked my roomates phone from his calls, as he has bullied, threatened, harrassed and lied to me. He has never nor will he ever accept responsibility for what he has done to me. Years ago I forgave him so I could forgive myself and close that chapter. With what he has done with my mom, me not being able to see/talk to her, he has taken what power I had in my life away. So I thought. I have been going to counseling and getting spiritual guidance. My bro will have to stand in front of God and answer for what he did to me when I was a child and for not allowing my mom to see/talk to me. I wrote a letter to his daughter, now 24, and told her to watch her kids/future kids and to inform her brothers to be careful with their kids around their father and grandfather. I don't know whether they'll believe me or not. But I told the truth to protect their kids and I won't have any guilt. My bro kept his family away from us because I know he was afraid I would give up the family secrets. Secrets no more.

They know how badly they hurt us but they lack the emotional perspective and guilt for what we have gone through in our lives. They just don't want to accept blame. Or own the guilt that is theirs. I'm 51 and still not totally over it. However, I refuse for him to ruin anymore of my life. Suicidal attempts, negative thoughts of myself and any guilt or blame. I was an innocent child. The adult me now comforts the child me when needed for the comfort, protection and safety that was not provided for/to me as a child. That's not to say I don't get depressed or suicidal anymore just less and further between.

Please, all you need to forgive is yourself, love youself and care for you. Your bro will have to stand before God and explain why he did what he did to you!
Hugs

Thank you bobbie, Diane and Yogi. I agree. It is insane and he is a jerk, but he just doesn't see it, he really must just NOT see it. And finding me damaged, and destroyed and not able to just "have some sort of normal relationship with him" must have really made him look at this in a way he really doesn't want to.
I told my mom when I was 13/14 and she said: "I am glad it happened with D and not someone outside the family we don't know." The shrink is right it will NEVER go away, short of dementia, a traumatic brain injury or drug usage it is always going to be IN THERE. there is no around only through you can pack it into a smaller package maybe and take it out now and then to air it but it Can never be gone.
I don't know what the hell he was expecting but this clearly wasn't it. And I am pretty sure he doesn't want this mess that is his abuse past with / of his sister to infringe on his life now, The pone he has made becasue he is so "resilient" Mr. has no memories and doesn't feel guilt of abusing me, Reliance, in this case, is a new word for denial I think.
He said see you in Spring take care of Grandpa when you can. Up yours, what do you know, you want come scrape his feces off the walls?..I didn't think so.
Why should I even have a doubt we never got along, he never liked me NOTHING has changed. Well nothing there anyhow. I am stronger now and I will chose my life. And I chose to pass on the offer of "friend ship" out of his pity or denial or confusion. Yeah, I think I would like the outside perspective of a therapist on this.
It will have to be free...or practically free....Gah what a mess.
Every now and then I see myself stealing his credit card getting a ticket far away going and never coming back. But people who can do that are either sociopaths, or a lot stronger than I am....
beh....


Thank you all for your responses and any that come later...Jen

Jen, you are right that it will NEVER go away. However, you ARE a SURVIVOR, now. No longer a victim. Do NOT let him make you feel you are a victim because you are NOT. Try to comfort your inner child. Say or do things that make(s) your inner child feel the love, concern, comfort, safety and protection that you should have received. It sounds goofy but it does work. Pi** on your bro... He will NEVER understand what he did to you emotionally and mentally and doesn't care. He has memories, I guarantee it. Sorry all you men, but guys think with their penises. NOT ALL ARE MOLESTERS AND/OR RAPISTS. The rapists and molesters are monsters. I will not call them sick as there isn't a cure for it and people have sympathy for those who are sick. He is not wanting to accept the blame or take on the guilt. He figures if he says he doesn't remember you'll have to forget about it. I wouldn't accept his "friendship" offer either.

When my bro took my mom from me, he told me NOT to bring up my past as an excuse. I told my bro that I NEVER hurt my mom as much as he did for what he did! I believe this is why he is keeping my mom and I from seeing/talking to one another. They are manipulative and continue to stay manipulative. Don't trust him! Sue

Deefer,5 freaking frigging degrees, I cannot even think of such a thing! Stay warm.

Sharyn, I agree this is a personal choice however, remember that you still have your life too.

Bobbie, glad to be here too.

I still feel overly tired n worn out. I actually fell out to sleep around 11ish last night n didn't wake up til 9am! Yet, I still feel tired n drained.
Update on the mil:
Found out she has only one roid n its not bad enough for any prescription or treatment of otc.However, she does have diverticulitis. Dr called something n while we were at his office. We left to pick it up n it was same crap she was on for over a month. I Had to call the office back n told the reception about the situation n that if he had looked at her med list he would had saw it! She pulled her chart n she even saw it too. She went to talk to him while I have them on my cell-phone, with the mil at the pharmacy. It is just minuets don't cost nothing. Yeah right! Finally, they said they called something in called, Canasas. I told her thank you n we waited on it to be filled. Of course, they had none in their pharmacy. Now the pharmacy was on a mission to see if any other W/D place had it. He could had order it but she needed something quick for we have been dealing with this way too long. Finally, another store had 15 n between the cost of the drug n her deductible because it was Jan, it was over $300.smackaroos!. Actually, it was 359.99 before insurance! Boy, they better work.

I am also putting the mil on some fiber too for that should help keep her from getting constipated. I actually got her to eat some oatmeal this morning even though she said she didn't like it. I kept telling her it was good for her so she ate it. ; ) For supper I made a pork-roast, carrots n collard greens with rolls. I overly cook the roast so it was a little touch. Mil won't eat any meal that requires more than five chews. I at least got her to eat a small bowl of greens, carrot n a roll. Shew! She has some fiber n her now. Now, if I can keep that up to keep her from getting constipated so much. I am pushing more fluids too for her to drink.
It just so hard with her constantly arguing just to get her to drink sometimes besides colas. However, I know if she don't we will be back at dr's office for something. Frankly, I am tired of dr's office n hospitals for past two weeks.
I got her nibbling on dried raisins n cranberries to help her too. Hopefully, this will help prevent another UTI n possible ease the diverticulitis too.
I talk to the hubby about his mom has money n bank n that I need to get a whole day break either someone here or at a day care n he agreed. Hopefully, when she starts to feel better I can get a break so I can breath.

I hope everyone has a good weekend.

List of foods to avoid with diverticulitis.
Nuts, Seeds and Skins
Foods containing nuts, seeds and tough skins can irritate the intestinal tract and should be avoided during a bought of diverticulitis. Foods such as nuts, sesame seeds, corn, popcorn and most raw fruits and vegetable skins and membranes should also be avoided. Baked potatoes are acceptable if the skin is removed. Seeds found in many fruits and vegetables such as tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, strawberries and raspberries should be avoided. Foods products made with these seeds such as yogurt should also be avoided. Certain legumes, such as lentils and dried beans should also be avoided due to the skins and high fiber content. Consumption of raw and dried fruits such as raisins should be avoided. Well-cooked vegetables without seeds or skins are acceptable as well as canned fruits and fruit juice without the pulp.
Lildeb, please read this. Do not feed Mil raisins and cranberries. It will give her an attack. You will have to make sure she doesn't eat any of this stuff to keep her from painful attacks. Family members have had this problem. At least you know what it is now.
KNow what you mean about tired! Mom is doing well adjusting to four days at daycare, but I'm not. Having to get her up and there and back is killing me! That's 8 times a week lifting her in and out of the car. I only have outside help on Wednesday afternoons and the weekends, so I have to get her up almost every day and to bed 5 days a week without help. Oh , and the bed collapsed again last night after I got her in bed.
I met a friend at the grocery store and her husband was in the hospital. He had surgery for blocked carotid arteries. He is also suffering from emphysema. She had to have one of their dogs put down this morning and she got up to frozen pipes in her house! I feel like a wimp when I whine about my problems after listening to hers!
Jen, I agree with Diane about your brother! He needs to leave you alone! And you are dealing with your situation as best you can. What a dickhead!
I started a post earlier this evening, but heard there was a house on fire down the street from us. So we bundles up and walked down to see what was going on. there was smoke pouring out of the attic windows, but no flames. Guess it was something electrical in the walls. After standing in 15 degrees for an hour, we headed back home. The Red Cross found shelter for the family until they can figure out what happened. It actually hit 20 degrees today and was less windy.
Bobbie,how did the boat move go? Ankle feeling any better?
Kuli, I can't even count how many times Mom and I ended up sitting on the curb in front of the house because she sat down there after getting out of the car. Then there are the 5 front stairs that we used to fall up! I surprised one of us hasn't broken our neck yet!
Yogi, you are a very strong person and I hope you get to be with your mom again soon.
Need to get myself to bed soon. I'm meeting former coworkers for lunch in Sturbridge tomorrow. Jen, we're doing the Chinese buffet! None of us has any extra $$, so the $6.99 buffet will do! It's snowing lightly, but should be fine tomorrow for the 30 minute drive.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Jen and Yogi-my heart aches for you. The injustice of what has happened and continues to happen is just incredible. How dare they act like nothing happened-or threaten, or act like they are the victim...God damn them... And He will...but here you live with the scars-and for them to try and minimize what has happened to you! Holy Cow-it is just unbelievable! Please know that you are good people, wonderful people and you did not and do not deserve what they did and are doing to you. Don't give them power over you-be strong. Jen-you were right not to accept his gift...and Yogi-you were right to tell his daughter etc. They are so screwed up! And they are just making excuses. They know. They have just lied so long to themselves and others...they will try and manipulate every thing they can to make themselves look good. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and what they are doing and trying to do now. I wish I could help you get through this. Money for counseling-whatever you need-I wish I could give it to you. This world can be so unkind... But there are many of us who are not! We are out here! You are not alone and you are loved!!!!! I am praying for you! Mame

Thank you mane and Deef, and bobbie and lildeb and diane and Yogi. Is it any wonder he acted like he thought my talking TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THE ABUSE on a blog was stupid, bother much? I bet he is. That he "Opened the can of worms" and has decided he reeeeellly doesn't want it, is telling. WHAT was he thinking really!? Guess it isn't all hunky dory then is it jerko. My God why think anything has changed..Clearly it hasn't BUT I HAVE.
I do see it Yogi, and I would never let my inner child down by putting up with his adult grade abusive and dismissive behaviors! When I wrote I heard our Dad in him that I didn't know what was TRUE FEELING AND WHAT WAS MANIPULATIVE bs HE BACKED OFF.
That he called me passive aggressive for telling others, requested I "Not demon ize him for the rest of his life or was it my life, he said? and that he thinks it not a good idea to discuss the issues with people on line is like telling me and himself at 18 "I'm not gonna tell any one about...? Mhhhnm I see....

And I DO see.

Thank you everyone for your support and ideas and comments they mean a lot to me!

There is sliding fee scale therapy, I might look into that for if anything just to "decompress" (his word) on this latest fiasco of his.

Oh and on the Grossed front...This one would be funny except mom and I have to clean it.....FP has now started to use his urinals and spittoons...You know..occupied urinal, full urinal you know spitting in a plastic container of his own piss!
Mom laid down the line on that one..
"Don't spit in the urinal it is unhygienic and disgusting to have to clean, you have a garbage can right beside your bed!"

"I know I use that one there, (other can)"

"There is another can right next to you bed spit in that!"

MM yes Merry Christmas...

Jen, you sound like you are regaining some of your power back! I am proud of you for that. My shrink calls my bro the passive aggressive one. Once you talk to others the "family secrets" are out in the open. They don't want others to know who and what they really are, monsters. I always had a strained relationship with my bro, however, my sis gets along great with him. They joke around and his GF and my sis's BF do things together. I was never invited because he is afraid that I will open my mouth and tell people who are in his life what he has/had done. They are manipulative and will continue to be manipulative. There is an organization called RAINN, Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. I spoke with them. Even though my bro was under 18 I can still get a police report written for the rape/incest. 42 years later and a report can be written. They can't take him to court but I can have a report on him for what wasn't done years ago for me. It will give me the peace of mind that his name appears with others who rape/molest and perform incest. My adult me will finally have a say/advocate for the inner child.

You still have the opportunity to have a police report on your bro and have charges since he was 18. Let him see the inside of a prison just like the one you've had yourself in for so many years. Look at WWW.RAINN.org. Also there are support groups for rape/incest/molestation. (((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))

Jen, Yogi, definitely a thumbs up from me to you both!!!
Okay Jen, Spit, drool, dentures, all major gag material there! Men spitting has gagged me since I was a kid. Disgusting when they do it in front of me on the street!
Actually hit 25 here this afternoon, but the wind was still making it feel colder. Met former coworkers for lunch and had a great time talking. When I got home, found out that Mom broke the stem off of her eye glasses again! Finally had to take one off of an old pair and use a paper clip to get it to stay on the frame. The holes didn't match close enough to use the screw. With a bit of help from my jewelry making tools, I made it work. Wish they would keep a closer eye on her! They can be sitting right next to her and not see what she is doing! Help was most likely texting on her cell phone. If Mom wasn't such a handful, I would just do all the care giving myself, but after 5 years, I'm too tired to deal with that.
Made a big pot of chile tonight and just got done cleaning up all the dishes and pots. Fed the cats and Mom is sound asleep, so I'm gonna head to bed too!

Hi everyone! I have been sick all week with this cold sore throat headache thing. Better that than the stomach virus I guess! I had very little energy and felt awful so I did only what I had to. Felt better yesterday and overdid and felt terrible in the afternoon. Taking it easy today. Hubby is getting it now. Hopefully mom won't get it. The headache is horrible!

Lildeb-I know a few ppl with that diberticulitis... definitely, like Deef said-watch the diet and stay away from those darn seeds! Sounds pretty painful-ugh.

Deef-you and I are definitely sharing this cold system up here in the northeast! Today is nice tho-with sun! But only a high of 21 degrees or so they say. You seem to have so much energy-I wish I had some!

Meanwhile, I know it has been a while since your post-but I can't stop thinking about it... I wish you didn't feel guilt about not being with your husband when he died. I understand...but I wish you didn't. When my dad died, everyone had just been there and my bro the Priest said Mass. Everyone left. It was like he waited. Mom had just gone in the other room and was waiting for my sister to come back with her jammies to spend the night with them. It was a matter of minutes between everyone leaving and my sister coming back. My sis had a feeling when she walked in the door...and she asked mom if she had checked dad and she was like-"yes, and your brother just left...your dad is sleeping"... he was gone. I swear he waited till no one was around. He had a reason and I am sure your husband did too. Maybe he thought it was best for you. You were with him when he needed your care and love and companionship and that is what is most important. God love ya!

Bobbie-how is the ankle? And how is that paint coming along? You are our captain-and stronger than you think! You have made it through and help us know there is life after caregiving! Keep plugging away and I hope to meet you on that boat one day!

Stormy-how are you all feeling? Sucks when the sickness gets in the house and won't leave! I am hoping for a warmer day (and I mean in the 30's or 40's)so I can open the house and move the air through! Hope Connor is doing well!

Kuli-your story about the icy day and your dad gave me a good laugh. I can imagine how mad you were and I hope you can laugh about it now. I am sure he is up in heaven laughing with you!

Cuz-are you getting some bad weather up there right now?! Thanks for the joke!

Sharyn-you are right-it is a personal choice-and you have to do what is right for you and your mom. Sounds like you have your ducks in a row. No judgement here. Good luck with it all!

Linda-I always wonder about leaving mom in the car-even if just a few minutes! However, she is not very strong and has to carry her Oxygen bottle around-so I don't think she would get too far and that lessens the anxiety! Because her sense of time is so off-when I get back in the car she either says-"That was quick" or "You were gone a looong time" Haha...

Flex-mom was spitting her meds out when she was in a NH for rehab after a bout of pneumonia. I begged them to crush and put her pills in appleasuce. A couple times, they just put the whole pill in the applesauce-and out it came! I would find them on the floor... I went to the head nurse and asked and she said it is in the directives regarding my mom...and I was like...well, they are not doing it... It made me sooo mad. Mom is compliant about opening her mouth and everything so it is easy with the applesauce. One nurse, when I mentioned that she spits the pills out said, "they all do" and walked out of the room. My jaw was on the floor.

Cat-please keep visiting and letting us know how you are doing! I love your point of view and love to just know how you are doing! When you mentioned about a child of an alcoholic marrying an alcoholic to maybe recreate and win the love of the alcoholic parent-I had never thought of that. I thought they just did it cause it was familiar! Good to hear other views!

Austin, Daisy, Jen, Yogi, Miracle and all you others out there-hello! Mom is calling. Gotta run! Love you all and thank you for being here!!! Mame

Oh Mame,
What an awesome post. I wanted to be able to do a big shout out like that and just didn't have the horsepower. Thanks from all of us for a great pep talk. I look forward to seeing you on this boat as well!

Love all you guys.
Jen and Yogi stay stong.

Flex! Thanks for the sweet sweet hug.

boat!

lovbob

Thanks Mame and Bobbie. Hope you're all doing well.

Agree with bobbie miester there!

Hmn police record...Did I mention he is a cop, like in town a well respected and highly admired police officer....I agree with you but that is a no go for me. I could NOT take that kind of fallout! The crazy one accusing the respected authority figure... shutting him out feel safest to me.

Breakfast with fp, It is so routine it is insane. I am glad I miss it most of the time. "Good Morning Jenny" "mrn grmpa". Moms cooking a breakfast so I do his med crap again. get Monty fed get my plate eat FAST so I can leave. Mom offers him another pancake (stupidly) "No." Count 1,2,3,4,5, seconds, he cranes his head to look at what is on MY plate: TWO Pancakes call the police! Raises his eyebrows like there but for the grace of God go I...Oh just die already shit pants. Yeah, I should diet so I will be more attractive to my perverted old bastard grandfather. Pass...Next!.

Sorry, Jen. It would be difficult to have a report written when he's a cop. It was just a thought and a suggestion. The cops probably wouldn't believe you. Just like I don't think my neice and nephews believe it about thei dad or grandfather.

Exactly Yogi. it'd put me in a real bad situation. Just not gonna happen. Nice to think about it though. Perspective AND ALL But the fall out would probably leave me living on the streets and a total family pariah. Isn't that just the way it is with the incest crap. I wonder what the percentages are for victim re-victimized by abuser defense by family to victim taken seriously and abuser dumped or judged and condemned?
I have seen RAINN but never gone, I went to Incest Survivors network like a decade ago and joined some groups. I still write to one lady I met though a group for isolators.
I am listening to 70's music here. The Hustle on Youtube. Another world entirely...

Well Jen, I know that the couple of family and friends that know about my dad and bro want nothing to do with them. However, those that don't know think both are the greatest people around. They'd even give the shirt off their backs. For whatever reason, my sis is OK with my bro but somewhat distant from my dad. And unfortunately my mom doesn't remember what my bro did to me. She has him on a pedistal as did one of my grandmas (Grandma passed never knew what bro did.)

I can totally empathize with the feelings of disgust, being grossed out, dirty "OMG where have they been" fingers, food dropped, stained clothing, etc etc etc. I get feelings of disgust and frustration followed by waves of guilt. I try not to let things overwhelm me, but that alone is difficult. I try to constantly monitor her refrigerator visits (again because of the dirty finger situation). One day I had to laugh...she had taken all of the luncheon meats and cheese slices out of their packages. Then layered and arranged them on the refrigerator shelves. Deli art??

At this time I am just always extremely tired. My mom does not want to go to bed at night. We go through a nightly hassle every night. I cannot let her stay up in the living room by herself because she keeps opening the front door and not re-locking it. Plus she wanders through the house getting into most anything. I have installed a couple of voice activated baby monitors around the house. I am lucky if I can get into bed by 1:00 -2:00am. Then of course if she gets up and wanders, the baby monitor wakes me up. I have not slept for more than 1 1/2 hour durations for months. Please excuse my pity party...lol
Glad for this site to at least be able to vent. Good luck to all of you!

Hi Frazzled!
welcome to the home of Vent and Live! Not a pity party! This job is stupid hard and most just don't get it at all and you find that you can't really talk to anyone but another caregiver.
Everyone else gives you the stink eye if you gripe because they have no idea......

You need your sleep! Try and see if her doctor can give her something to calm her down so you can sleep.
Not getting your sleep is the first thing that caregivers lose and then they wonder why they're ready to run away into the night themselves.

It's not a bad thing to get your mom to take a mild sedative so she can get some rest and you can too.
Check with her doctor and I know that the other caregivers on the thread might have some ideas.

Keep writing and venting. It works and you won't feel so isolated.

Jen and Yogi!
DEEF!! wassup?

Mame I hope you are feeling better.

lildeb! Cat! Diane/Flex! Kuli! Meanwhile! Cuz! Miz! Rip!
Everybody!

Where's Judy?

OK, got to lay down, work starts on the boat at dawn.
love you guys,
lovbob

Mame, thanks for the kind words. Don't hate me guys, but it has been 70 degrees here all last week, and through the weekend. Rode my horses, had friends over this afternoon for a cookout, pruned the roses, and working in the garden. Supposed to get windy and cooler next week.
Got a call from my stepsister this evening. Haven't heard from her in almost 6 years (was when my father died). Her mother is in the hospital not eating, only wants to sleep. Doctors can't find anything wrong. She is 78, and been getting crazier for the last 20 years. Hoarder, paranoid, bipolar. Feel sorry for my stepsister, she the one trying to take care of her Mom. Hospital is getting ready to put Step Mom in rehab. Don't know what good that will do if she can't get up??
Have to get ready for work tomorrow. Bobbie take care of that ankle. Hope everyone with the flu is getting better. Jen, Yogi, you both survived horrors, and your both kind caring people, I admire you both. Love all you guys. Shirley

mame It is rain like a cow peeing on a flat rock up here, We got about 2" of snow from 5:00pm Sunday afternoon until around maybe 9:30pm then the freezing rain started. At 10:00pm I put on the rain gear and shoveled my drive and the neighbors driveway and sidewalk. Took me an hour and one half. The freezing rain turned to just a downpour when I got done. I should have stayed dry but was sweating cause of the raingear and the temp being about 31 degrees. Thanks for asking and thanks for letting me try to bring some light into your dark days.
luvCuz

IMPOSSIBILITIES
1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly person,you can.

Ten things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you missed No.5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Remember, do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many.
--
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

Cuz-LOVE that Impossibilities one! Always gives me a chuckle cause it is soooo true!! We are getting snow here right now-looks so pretty...but will rain later. East of us is getting the more dangerous ice later...

Meanwhile, interesting that stepsister contacts you now that she is caregiving. Having something in common definitely can bring us together! :)

Frazzled-welcome! So sorry for what you are going through. Sounds like you are super tired! Can your mom afford or will her insurance company pay for a caregiver to come sit with her at night so you can sleep? It would be easier if meds would do the trick. Talk to her doctor today!

Deef-you are a Jill of all trades-fixing eyeglasses now! Something else to add to that resume!

Jen-love the 70's music and bought that group of CD's that has all the hits! Listening to it can put me in a great mood!

Do any of you watch Reba? There's one episode where Barbara Jean's wild son is making noise after a nap and she gets this look on her face of horror and says-He's awake! Sometimes as I sit here in the morning-I hear mom moving around or talking to her "visitors" and I think if that episode of Reba! I am terrible-I know but it cracks me up! Speaking of mom's "visitors" she has had more lately. She asks me if I see them and I just tell her that they must have slipped out quietly... Sometimes she has had a dream and when she wakes up she can't figure out why things are different than they were in the dream... Reality is a fickle thing!

Well, hello to Yogi and Austin and Lildeb and Bobbie and all the rest! "SHE'S AWAKE!" Gotta run!
Mame

Hi Bobbie and Crew,
It’s a dreary, rainy Monday morning here. At least it is a lot warmer, a whopping 45 degrees. Much better than the teens and snow we had last week. Hope everyone had an uneventful weekend, at least on the caregiving portion.
Mother is starting to get used to the caregiver that comes to give her a bath and stay with her a few hours so I can run errands. She still gets upset that I leave and Thursday afternoon when I came home, Mom was crying. She didn’t think I was coming back. I guess 3 hours seems like forever when you have no concept of time. I sat down with her and got out some photo albums, so finally she settled down. I feel so sorry for her when she gets like that. I can’t reassure her because she doesn’t comprehend what I am saying.
Deb, I’m glad your husband is doing better. Hope he continues to do so. You are a smart lady to take the precautions to put everything in place in case things don’t improve. I am glad you found out what is wrong with the mil. Hope she is better soon.
Sharyn, good luck on your appointment with the neurologist. Knowing what is going on with her will help you make decisions. When I had Mother tested, it was difficult to hear the things that I already suspected, but it helped me to make decisions dealing with her care.
Kuli, thanks for your story. Makes me think twice about leaving Mother in the car by herself, even for a few minutes.
Jen and Yogi, I am so sorry for what you both have been through with your brothers. It is hard for me to mentally even process that kind of abuse. I agree with Mame, wishing we could help you get through this and thankful you have this group of people to support you.
Deef, hope the cold weather is not getting you down. It warmed up here today, but it’s supposed to get colder by the end of the week. It sounds like feeding your Mom is quite challenging. Mom is still doing pretty good feeding herself. She had one day last week that she wasn’t eating very well. It seemed to me she was having a hard time feeding herself, but when I tried feeding her, she decided she wasn’t hungry. I had a lot of problems with her sitting her drink on the floor, in the seat of her chair, in the trash can, etc. I finally bought her one of the glasses with a lid that screws on and a straw. Now I don’t have to worry as much about her spilling it. Thanks again for all the information you bring to this thread.
Cuz, keep those jokes coming, they are always a day brightener.
Bobbie, Hope your ankle is better and the boat work is going smoothly.
Frazzled, I know what you mean about interrupted sleep. The baby monitor is both a blessing and a curse. I think I need a video monitor. It would keep me from making several unnecessary trips up and down the stairs in the middle of the night.
Shirley, Cat, Mame, Stormy, anyone I missed. Love hearing from you all.
I didn’t mean to write a book. Hope everyone has a good day
Hugs to all.
Barb

Mom slept like a log all night! Heard her snoring and no holding her breath! I have this bone of contention with Merry, who has been helping me care for Mom for 4 years. She dearly loves my mom, but lately is getting on my last nerve!!! Mom is down to around 100lbs and not eating that well, so Merry fills her up on glazed donuts and other sweets to fatten her up. She feeds her a good meal too, but yesterday she gave her lunch, then said Mom had a piece of pumpkin pie and when I walked in she was still feeding her. She had also brought a big fat brownie covered in thick chocolate frosting that she was feeding her, and gave her the noon meds with a cup of choco pudding!!!!!!
Why is she so skinny????? Why does she never stop moving???? Why to her UTI's get sooooo badddddd????? Sugar!@#%#@#!@!
You would think a CNA that has worked with alz. patients for 15 years would know this!
I have very politely told her on many occasions that I don't want her giving her too much sugar, but she still thinks it will fatten her up! It's eating up whatever good calories she takes in! It's impairing her memory even more! I know when I used to get yeast infections that sugar was a big no no. Bacteria feeds on sugar, so extra sugar will definitely have an impact on a person who is incontinent!!
Too much sugar is also linked to alz. and dementia as one of the causes. So, I am going to lay down the law and tell her NO MORE SUGAR overloads!
Mom usually wakes up full of energy and rested, but not this morning! Must have fed her another brownie after the bowl of homemade chili with cheese. Guess I have to do the "employer, employee" talk this week!
Meanwhile, 70 would feel so good right now! Grey skies and the threat of snow is looming here. It was 18 when I took Mom to daycare.
Mame, I know what you mean about the "oh sh!t" she's up already! Nothing happening here yet, but some schools are already planning on letting the kids out early. By tomorrow morning, everything should be over and traveling will be good.
Frazzled, definitely get meds to help your mom sleep! I had to have double locking deadbolts installed so Mom couldn't sneak out way back when all this started. It was peace of mind for me when I had to turn my back on her. There are meds to help calm her down during the day too. Seroquel is good for sleeping, but not for daytime with most. Makes them too groggy and out of it. Make sure that if you have a gas stove, that you check it all the time. Maybe even remove the knobs so mom can't turn the stove on at all. Also start to put away things like scissors etc. Mom used to cut things up, thinking she was fixing them. The main thing is safety! Yours and hers! You will have to "mom proof" everything eventually, if you plan on keeping her home. Good luck! This is the place to be to vent and seek advice and comfort!
Bobbie!!! You sound better! Hoping the work on the boat moves along more smoothly! Can't wait to see the finished product!
Diane, You hanging in there?
Stormy, haven't heard from you in a bit. Everyone still sick there?
Cat, how's the wildlife out there? My needle felting class is next Saturday. Can't wait to go!
Yogi!!! How are ya?
Lildeb, I don't know how you do it! You sure have your hands full.
Hi Kuli!!!
I know I'm missing people here, please forgive me! It's Monday!!!
Jen, 70's music is good, better than that Hawaiian stuff you have to listen to constantly! Lots of red birds out feeding right now. They know when the weather is changing and feed up to prepare!
I started knitting a handbag last night and am almost finished with the body of it. A few more rows and I can start the handle, then finish it and felt it. love that part. You never know how it will come out! My hands have been bad lately, thumbs hurt all the time and fingers keep going numb, but I keep on trucking and eventually get the job done! Guess I need to tell the doctor about my thumbs and see if it's arthritis or no cartilage left! Maybe cortisone shots would help. Can't stand the thought of not being able to knit or paint!
Got to clean up over Mom's then finish that bag!
Hope you all have a great day!

Miracle-so sorry that your mom is getting so much more confused. We so want to help them feel better and when they cry it is so painful to watch! Whenever something like that happens, I always think how good it is that she won't remember in a couple minutes. But it doesn't happen very often with my mom. I can't imagine if it happened every time I left. I am so sorry. ((Hugs))

OH Deef! All that sugar! Good God! One time my brother came over with a dozen donuts-for 3 people. When he left, he left the box in mom's rooms...When I went in and realized it was sitting there-she had eaten 9 of them!!!! Yes, there was one left...When she had diahrea the next day I wanted to invite my bro to come back and clean it all up...but he is seldom anywhere to be found... I had to talk to everyone cause for some reason people think sweets are the thing to bring! Since mom's diabetes diagnosis they are better. A couple bring fruit, but even that can cause problems! Good God...one time on cleanup duty for diahrea and my family would-well, I don't know what they would do! Probably-I would have throw up to clean up!!! Gag Gag Gag!!!
Can you tell I am like, manic today? I am sooooo happy to finally feel better. I am washing everything with Clorox Cleanup to get rid of any germs lying around! Temp is up to 31-snow has stopped-expecting rain-but maybe before it comes I will air out the house.
Yesterday-I just was so mad to still be not feeling great so hubby suggested I take the dog out for a walk in the woods. Well, that was a good suggestion-and really lifted my spirits. On our walk, a fox went running away from an area not far from our property in the woods-very cool to see! The dog chased him and was very excited. I decided to investigate and found a carcass of a deer which the animals have been feasting on...yuck. Poor deer-prob got hit by a car and went in the woods to die. Anyway, somwhere in my dogs excitement and chasing, he cut his ear. Tiny little cut on the edge. Out in the cold-no problem..I didn't even know he did it. Come in the warm house and GUSH! Must have nicked a vein-cause it bled like crazy. I cleaned it and applied constant pressure but apparently not long enough. He starts to leave the room and shakes his head-oh God-gushing again. It took 1/2 hour of constant applied pressure to finally get it to stop. I was so concerned for him-and then moved on to other things... This morning I get up and as I am cleaning faucet handles and frig door handle for germs-I realize-there is blood spattered EVERYWHERE! Good God-I didn't even notice yesterday! So, my cleanup just got a little more involved and for some reason I am laughing about it! Just had to share the insanity!
Enjoy the changing weather! Mame

Not a pity party either more of a grouse fest in my case...

Meanwhile we don't hate you...we are gonna show up at yer house and stay for a month...

PPPPPPPPPuuu yeah ok

bamir, just being there is good enough, and that many people don't have these kind of crap childhoods reminds victim we could have had more and got ripped of in the family department.

Deef what is she thinking? could sugar make the uti's worse?



To the harpie who snapped at me three years ago on another post that old people with dementia don't learn new tings bite me, He has now learned he can use his urinal as a spittoon...Mom has told him not to three times now...this is getting pathetic...

Hi to all hang in there bobbie! boat no captain, no point!

Started mom on Nemenda today. Here's hoping it helps! She is on Aricept already... Her doctor is not really proactive as far as I can tell...or she would have been put on this earlier... Anyway...here's hoping!
I overdid a bit today...but I am glad I got as much done as I did... Thankfully the event with the dog and blood was contained to the kitchen so I just had to wipe down cupboard doors etc-but it needed to be done and now looks clean! Mom thought it was funny and reminded me that I love dogs! Always sees the humor she does! G'night! Mame

Good Morning Crew!

Jen! I am here and the boat is here and around here (boatyard) everyone's a captain, just ask them haha.
The Captains Blowhard. The Boatyard Blowhards.
And this time I am not talking about me.....

Yes, sugar will make UTIs worse.

OK,
Mame! I used Namenda for my mom and it made a world of difference. In 20 minutes she turned into a sweet, engaging woman and all I could think of was where was this stuff when I was a kid!?
I could be wrong but I think that there's a little mood bump in there or something that acts like that OR that was just the way her body processed it but it really made a difference. Everybody's Dementia is different.
Glad your mom always sees the humor. That's usually the first thing that goes, right after remembering to breathe and getting a full night's sleep.
There's a long list of 'first things to go'. I think 'waist' is on there as well.

Speaking of first things to go:
Have to go research a gasket for the raw water heat exchanger on the primary generator.

love you guys more than you know,
lovbob

Deefer,Sorry they r not keeping a better eye on her like they should. However, it sound like you are a 'woman of all trades' with those glasses n clips. ; ) You gotta do what ya gotta do get it to work. Five yrs is a long time of being a caregiver n take advantage of every respite break that you can get or should I say, "afford." I hope u can get some rest n little relax time.

I am still searching n mil insurance don't cover unless she needs a CNA for short-term n she has to be like incapable of doing anything for herself like feeding herself n such n she can do all that as long as I prepare the meals n remind her to eat n drink n such. I cannot win them all but, I can continue to search again today. The Niece of the mil is suppose to take her out for brunch n hopefully it will last more than just one hour, hopefully. Hubby ask me I should be more sympathetic with the Niece about his mom so I bit my tongue sort of with him. I did tell him that if she kept her for just a wk she would remember back when his mom wasn't no saint! and she is no different now. Anyway, I will behave myself n try to explain to the Niece what is wrong with Joe, the mil n hopefully the Niece will not feel too sorry for her n go buying her Aspirin n butt suppositories for her. I have already mention to her that she cannot have any more aspirin except the one in the AM I give her. As for suppository, she gets a mega dose one at night n the rest is up to her by eating fiber n drinking more liquid which I am pushing. I have also changed our diet on the fiber-stuff for I don't believe she should have to eat something if we could benefit from it too. sorry started rambling again.

Mame, I would be going off my rocker too at those nurses! How freaking hard would it be just to crush the pills up in something n give it too her? It something that works so it makes no sense in trying n at least she would be getting her meds inside her instead of on the floor! I am sorry for I am venting for you n your mom. I would talk to the physician if possible or will they let you do it for her? YOu would think they would care but it don't seem like it at that place or they r all burned out n need to take a break. Sorry u n hubby r sick with that nasty coughing stuff. I hope you two get to feeling better soon n hopefully hubby don't get it too bad. Thanks for thumb up on the seeds n peanuts too. She is doing a little better, just got keep her regulated to help keep things moving smoothly as possible with her. Take care of yourself n don't try to over-do it so you can get better. Sending u a cyber healthy hug. ; )

Cat, as for the alcoholic marrying stuff is so true with me but different. Both my parents were alcoholic. Of course, I dated one before n married one myself! Yet, I cannot stand alcohol which never made since to me until I read what your post. Thanks.
Bob, that is what I told my stupid husband this morning when he wanted me to be more sympathetic to the Neice when she picks up his mom n that, are you ready for this one, u might want to be sitting on your butt! That she could be someone I could talk to sometimes. I let him know that she has no freaking clue of what a care-giving is like n that, do u really want me to talk to her n about you too? he said sure n he said, "sorry I am not perfect, but I am trying" Wtf, don't even go their with me on that crap! Of course, I mention that if i didn't have to worry when I left to visit my parents n a mini break then I would be a little better on handling things here. I did make sure that I knew he is trying now n that I do appreciate it but don't use that, "I am not perfect crap on me!" Anyway, I went off again, sorry everyone.
Frazzled, I am usually more compassion but here lately I feel like I have all these responsibility on my own n some. Please forgive venting so much. This is why I come here like Bob mention. Everyone understands on here. Keep coming back for we r here for you for you are not alone.
Jsomebody, Victim here from my uncle. I was in my teens n we were having to live with my uncle n his wife in a small little town where everyone business was kept hush-hush. I was going to school with my little bro n sis. Well, that particular day was a day for girls to learn, 'self-defense when it came to being attack.' When we got home to my uncle's place, I started the conversation on how I learned certain moves to help defend myself. Well, one day me, his wife n my uncle went to check the fish trap in the woods. For some reason he told his wife to go get something. Yet instead of driving all the way back up the hill to get it, he had her walk to get it. Made no sense but I didn't think anything. Well, that when he was suppose to teach me that, a woman cannot get away from a man if he wanted to rape her! Of course, with my screaming n no one can hear you n he didn't go all the way except choked me until I gag so I would stop yelling n he did pull my pants down n fondle which was to me the same as raping me! When his wife got back, she kept asking me why I was crying so bad n I said nothing for I found out from my mom that, he had already had all 3 of his children taking away from him due to child-abuse n she was still living with him. So, told us that we could walk back up the hill to the house while he took care of things with re-setting the net. As we started walking, I started running n crying n I could hear her yelling at me where I was going. I said nothing n ran as fast as I could down the street for the house was up the hill n down the street. I ran to a laundry Matt n have no idea how I found it nor how far I ran. A lady approach me n I just started to cry n told her. She called the police n they brought him in for me to pick out. However, just by hearing his voice I knew it was him. I remember to this day just trembling n crying in fear so, they didn't push me to look at him. Well, needless to say, the child support people came out n instead of helping they had threatening my mom to take all 3 of us away! I started in tears why they were not helping n they finally told us that, 'if we can get someone to get us out of this circumstance like back to Columbus, that they would not take us away. We had to get a long ole friend to come up n pick us up. He never serve any time!!! never!!!! I don't fully understand why they didn't help except they blame my mom for putting us in that circumstance for she knew about him losing his 3 children. However, she n us was stuck their due to mom's boyfriend went to jail for arm robbery. Hey, I never said my life was boring. Trying to find some damn humor. Anyway, I understand when come to the incest crap. Oh, Do the hustle was a great song n I still listen to it too. Enjoy your 70's music.
Yogi, I wander about that part, they don't remember for I believe in my situation that my mom just didn't won't to believe it.
Frazzle, I hear u when it come to be worry about the frig n the dirty finger deal. My mil for some reason will stick her hand n toilet bowl n grab it to prove she is not constipated when it has shapes like round balls. I try to make sure she washes with warm soapy water then when I tell her not to do that again for I can just look at her poo instead, she would deny it n say that is just crazy if someone does that stuff. Just show how crazy this disease can get sometimes. I use the bottom drawer for my mil like for her lunch meat, bread, mayo n drinks. However, sometimes I just do it myself to keep from getting sick myself. That is not being pity for you have a full-time job n some. Care-giving is not for everyone n all u can do is your best n vent away here. Sending u a cyber hug n please come back n share how u r doing.
Those who I missed, I hope y'all have a nice day today. For those in the snowy weather, stay warm but I am going to make y'all a little jealous. It suppose to hit 78 degrees here today. Of course, 100% rain tomorrow but I am going to try n enjoy some sunshine. Sending everyone some cyber hugs...