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J still here, took a trip to ER thinking I was having a stroke...Probably will when the bill comes, but no worries found on Cat Scan $$$ Cha ching, oh whatever, when you ain't got nothing what is one more... Thank you all for your support and keeping me in your thoughts. dtflex is right it is abusive, and it is up to me when and how I get out of it... rip I have been looking up at the meteor shower every night, seriously cool. Somehow I knew you would be too. Did you see that big one that went eats to west and left a trail for like four seconds. must a been about eleven Pm AND what is with all the satellites?! Good Grief does every body have space junk up there now. I saw about 22 shooting starts so far and 14 satellites, oh and Sky Lab once or twice. but been a good show, interrupted by the neighbor guy hawking loogies like he is trying out for an Olympic Looggie competition and Grandpa's frequent coughing.
Any how neither can ruin a good meteor shower! Hope every one is well an d finds some peace...
Jsome, You may be having anxiety attacks (might feel like a stroke). LORD knows you get plenty of anxiety & it could be waring on you. Please try to get a more "clinical" perspective on this & care for yourself. Please don't allow them to harm you. GOD tells us not to "harden our hearts" but in this situation you need to distance yourself emotionally. We care for you.
I am having pain in my right arm. Pretty much my whole arm down to my hand and fingers. I'm concerned it could be my heart. Anyone know anything about this? Thanks.
Linda, I am so sorry for your brother. You loved him a lot! After reading your post, it is difficult for me to speak about my own brother... But I have to. He is a real son of a beach. I can't get used to people being such sons of beaches, and when your brother is, it is difficult to say: "I don't care, I have friends and several good cousins".
I will try to be short because I could write hours on the subject. Today he was here for his monthly visit. I decided to shake him a little bit and told him some truths.
1) That I'm tired as hell, that I do not have a free day since 2008, that I am working (my translation work) and doing double shifts as caregiver, and in one week I will be completely alone with my mother because the 2nd helper goes on vacation too. 2) That I am exhausted to discuss with my mother every single thing, she does not want to get up, to wash, to go to bed, to drink. I told him: Please, when you take her out for lunch, make her drink at least 2 glasses of water. Spare me the stress, at least once a month (I pointed out the fact that he comes only once a month) 3) I had to ask him to lend me some money for survival, because for reasons which is too long to explain, the retirement allowance of my mother will be reduced for the next 3 months, so we are going to take 600 euros less. (for 3 months, total 1800). I told him he was the only person I could ask, because the people (cousin, friend) who usually lend me money when I am short of money are very far, one is in the States, the other one in Thailand, so I can't possibly ask them. I asked him 400 euros and I told him I would give him back as soon as possible.
Do you know what was the reaction to points 1, 2, 3? 1) " You do not go on vacation? Me neither. Last year I took just 5 days off, this year I am taking just 7 days off. You are not the only one working". As he had admitted he would go on vacation for 7 days, I hoped he would say: "I have decided to give you "one" free day. I am going to stay with mother "today" all day long, you can go and do whatever you want. Go, little sister! Go enjoy yourself!". No, he did not say so. He stayed only 3 hours and he went away, as usual. 2) water. Coming back from lunch he said "Mamma wanted to drink only one glass of water. She did not want to drink two of them". (with absolute indifference. As if he wanted to say: "It is not my job to force her to drink".) 3) Money. And this is the apotheosis! When I asked him for money he became stiff and nervous, and he said "If you can't survive with the money you have, it means you are not organised.". I insisted: "I have never asked you any money for one and a half year. It's the first time, it depends on the fact that we are going to have 600 euros less than usual, it's not my fault". And he insisted: "I am not as rich as I was before, I can't give you money, the retirement allowance is more than enough. Maybe you should cut the expenses for the helpers". I mean, I said one thing and he answered another. I asked him 400 euros to survive, I mean, to buy food. I know, because I saw with my eyes, that last Christmas he gave his older son a digital camera which costs 3000 euros, and to the younger one an APPLE laptop and few months before, a motorbike. So it does not seem to me that they are starving, in that family. He can give his sons whatever he wants, no discussion about that. But he should not tell me that he has no money at all, so he cannot help me and OUR mother in ONE very difficult month, with a relatively small amount of money. I wanted to tell him that he has already inherited half of our parents' house when my mother is still alive, (he should have had 1/3, instead the sharing was: half for him, half for me + my mother) so he should not complain so much, but my blood pressure had already reached the ceiling, and I was afraid that the situation would become too tough, and we are Italians and there are knifes in the kitchen. So I decided to shut up and in the end he gave me the money making me feel like a beggar.
When I ask my cousin Franca, I have to say her name because she is an angel, to lend me some money, she asks me "how much do you need?" And she does not ask me why I need it, when I am going to give it back to her, and always insists to give me more. And she is sorry and worried that I am so tired and so hard up. My brother does not give a damn. "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn".
Sorry for the long vent. I am feeling better now.
My brother has the right to be a son of a beach, we were born in a village 10 miles from the sea. He has the right to have the pity/compassion/charity of a white shark, he was born near the sea.
I found Mom using mentholatum ointment rather than toothpaste. I try to be grateful she is at least still trying to brush her teeth. I wish I could get her in the shower.
Better to get checked out by MD to make sure you are alright. Better safe than sorry as they say. My prayers go out to you and your family. I am confident you will get a clean bill of health.
The more Things change...the more they go back to just the way they were before the change almost over night. From being "concerned" about me (Most likely just worried she would lose free elder care for her father) to the next days BS...She told me about a rotten thing her mother did to her when she was a child and I grant you her mother was a rank bitch. A narcissist of the first water truly, we get right back to this: I go out start the BBQ...come in she is coming up the basement steps..."Jennifer do you have the water on...?" "Yes..." "Can you turn it off, I am trying to fill the washer..?" "I JUST have it on low on the tomatoes..." "oh" then she comes into the bed room and is po'd it is so dark so I pull the shade up so she can see.."IT is too hot in here!" She huffs...so I pull the window shut as she switches the window ac on. Now fart pants has been sitting watching TV from the hall way in his wheel chair, fine by me when he comes in the room I move to the other end of it or out of it. We had been watching Little Women the 1950's version. I preferred the Katharine Hepburn version myself but any how it is a movie and not Walker Texas Jack Ass and he wasn't there so...Still listening to him (and know they are coming) making that disgusting excited noise he makes when to people kiss or a father hugs a daughter in bed...F-ing pervert die already) But he is blocking her from his (my old) room and she says sweetly to him... "Daddy I need to get in there to change your sheets..." Yes save the polite for the one who least deserves it, and YOUR mother was a harpy right ma? What ever. Getting out of here IS MY RESPONSIBILITY! And GOAL.
Jen, I asked one day to my ex landlord why he abused the animals. He answered: "Because when I was I child I was abused, too". It was a good and rational response, to him. He had to take revenge... Well. you would not expect that a mother repeats the cycle upon her own daughter, but it seems it works this way... (Sometimes you do exactly the contrary of what your parents have done to you; which can be wrong, too)
oh, my Italian Sister ... we share more in common every day. i had a similar event today.
My well meaning SIL phoned wanting to bring Dad lunch. She brings inappropriate food, things he can't chew, often spoiled. She is a hard headed Hungarian hoarder who often leaves groceries in the trunk of her car for hours.
Dad doesn't what her & my brother to visit b/c the exhaust him. They are the one's who took him to lunch while his piss bag was leaking, & ignored it. He had to sit in the restaurant with his shoe filling while they talked & talked.
Why they didn't smell it dumfounds me! They dropped him at the front entrance, he had to squish thru the lobby feeling embarassed & ride the elevator. He phoned me really PISSED (That was before he moved in here) so of course I had to race down t his apt. & rig up a temp leg bag. Ever try to find a urinary collection bag on Sunday afternoon?
I managed to recylcle one & clean the damp trail tracks around the carpet ... but how could they ignore his pleas to look at the soaking shoe???
Dad was fed up - doesn't want to see them & has told them why. They mean well but ignore his needs & carry on their own conversation.
The Great White Shark ... great one! Thats my eldest brother! The world traveler with the luxury lifestyle! Somehow he can't repay Dad's huge loan, yet is able to buy new cars, vacation property & have catered birthday parties. Scuba trips to the Great Barrier Reef & throughout Mexico. He is constantly in crisis, financial & otherwise. His wife has a good job with benefits that should cover basic needs ... while I have not had a one day break from Dad in years!
With the brother's behaviors Dad isn't apt to want to deal with them. He is not a child tho they treat him as such. The Great White hasn't called him in 2 years. Dad might mention the loan ... & his lavish lifestyle which I think may be in the toilet now.
Very sad ... he was a good brother years ago, until money strangled his ethics. Dad & I are barely making it finacialy too. i've put my work on hold since I'm not able to depend on my equipment & time. Dad's needs are always first. I've had to surrender several large jobs b/c I simply can not risk doing a job half way, then having a Dad emergency.
Blah .... It's ear;y morning there & I hope you're sleeping in your bed. Not sweating the Bold & B. Ratzo is parked on my lap ... I bought dad a squirt gun today! He's having fun with the cats!
I'm working. These brothers seem blind, deaf, they visit their father/mother because they have to appease their conscience, but they do not really care. They do not even "see" their parents anymore. They do not see us.
I am sorry for our parents. My parents gave us a wonderful childhood! Not an induldged one, just safe ... allowing us to be curious about the world, endorsing our interests.
They made certain college was an option & all debts were paid. The brothers made their own lives, which I respect, but their neglect of the sacrifices my parents made weigh heavy on me. Dad is so disappointed that his sons are who they are now, altho somewhat successful. That is wht=y he depends on me & is proud doing so.
Suggestion to web master ~ place the tabs at top under original post? We are near 2,800 on Grossed & love every post. Would like to have the newest first. See more comments by caregivers: « Earliest « Prev 5
How are you miz...what's going on??? We'd love to know how you're doing!!!
j, you're a better person than I am to care for someone who abused you like that!
rip, I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time with your brothers! Thank you for the message to the web-master. I'd though about it, but didn't know how to go about telling them. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the star show!
rosella, i'm sorry that you're having a problem with your brothers, too!
Family can be the worst at times! But I guarantee that they'll be there when the will is read for anything that they haven't already carried home with them! Speaking from experience!!!
William, how's it going for you, today? Any luck with the POA?
GODhelpus, thank you for all of the encouragement!
I sure appreciate you ... everyone! As do the pets. I am always calmer & more patient after reading & writing! A family I never realized. Ears that truely listen ... OK ... eyes that honestly read & comprehend.
Positive .. rather than: "Why don't you do this or that?"
Just try it yourself, dear brothers! oh yeah .. too busy with vacations ... forget that parents put you thru college, paving the way for your important jobs & now your decent lifestyles.
Miz, hope you're doing OK. Please get it checked out. Wake your hubby up!!! Don't ignore those signals. Could be heart or stroke. It happens to young people, too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Thank you all for your support and keeping me in your thoughts. dtflex is right it is abusive, and it is up to me when and how I get out of it...
rip I have been looking up at the meteor shower every night, seriously cool. Somehow I knew you would be too. Did you see that big one that went eats to west and left a trail for like four seconds. must a been about eleven Pm AND what is with all the satellites?! Good Grief does every body have space junk up there now. I saw about 22 shooting starts so far and 14 satellites, oh and Sky Lab once or twice. but been a good show, interrupted by the neighbor guy hawking loogies like he is trying out for an Olympic Looggie competition and Grandpa's frequent coughing.
Any how neither can ruin a good meteor shower! Hope every one is well an d finds some peace...
Hey J ... aren
t those some awesome stars? Glad you're home safe (I think) was the ER another wake up call for your family?
You may be having anxiety attacks (might feel like a stroke).
LORD knows you get plenty of anxiety & it could be waring on you.
Please try to get a more "clinical" perspective on this & care for yourself.
Please don't allow them to harm you.
GOD tells us not to "harden our hearts" but in this situation you need to distance yourself emotionally.
We care for you.
love,
miz
I will try to be short because I could write hours on the subject. Today he was here for his monthly visit. I decided to shake him a little bit and told him some truths.
1) That I'm tired as hell, that I do not have a free day since 2008, that I am working (my translation work) and doing double shifts as caregiver, and in one week I will be completely alone with my mother because the 2nd helper goes on vacation too.
2) That I am exhausted to discuss with my mother every single thing, she does not want to get up, to wash, to go to bed, to drink. I told him: Please, when you take her out for lunch, make her drink at least 2 glasses of water. Spare me the stress, at least once a month (I pointed out the fact that he comes only once a month)
3) I had to ask him to lend me some money for survival, because for reasons which is too long to explain, the retirement allowance of my mother will be reduced for the next 3 months, so we are going to take 600 euros less. (for 3 months, total 1800). I told him he was the only person I could ask, because the people (cousin, friend) who usually lend me money when I am short of money are very far, one is in the States, the other one in Thailand, so I can't possibly ask them. I asked him 400 euros and I told him I would give him back as soon as possible.
Do you know what was the reaction to points 1, 2, 3?
1) " You do not go on vacation? Me neither. Last year I took just 5 days off, this year I am taking just 7 days off. You are not the only one working". As he had admitted he would go on vacation for 7 days, I hoped he would say: "I have decided to give you "one" free day. I am going to stay with mother "today" all day long, you can go and do whatever you want. Go, little sister! Go enjoy yourself!". No, he did not say so. He stayed only 3 hours and he went away, as usual.
2) water. Coming back from lunch he said "Mamma wanted to drink only one glass of water. She did not want to drink two of them". (with absolute indifference. As if he wanted to say: "It is not my job to force her to drink".)
3) Money. And this is the apotheosis! When I asked him for money he became stiff and nervous, and he said "If you can't survive with the money you have, it means you are not organised.". I insisted: "I have never asked you any money for one and a half year. It's the first time, it depends on the fact that we are going to have 600 euros less than usual, it's not my fault". And he insisted: "I am not as rich as I was before, I can't give you money, the retirement allowance is more than enough. Maybe you should cut the expenses for the helpers". I mean, I said one thing and he answered another.
I asked him 400 euros to survive, I mean, to buy food.
I know, because I saw with my eyes, that last Christmas he gave his older son a digital camera which costs 3000 euros, and to the younger one an APPLE laptop and few months before, a motorbike. So it does not seem to me that they are starving, in that family. He can give his sons whatever he wants, no discussion about that. But he should not tell me that he has no money at all, so he cannot help me and OUR mother in ONE very difficult month, with a relatively small amount of money.
I wanted to tell him that he has already inherited half of our parents' house when my mother is still alive, (he should have had 1/3, instead the sharing was: half for him, half for me + my mother) so he should not complain so much, but my blood pressure had already reached the ceiling, and I was afraid that the situation would become too tough, and we are Italians and there are knifes in the kitchen. So I decided to shut up and in the end he gave me the money making me feel like a beggar.
When I ask my cousin Franca, I have to say her name because she is an angel, to lend me some money, she asks me "how much do you need?" And she does not ask me why I need it, when I am going to give it back to her, and always insists to give me more. And she is sorry and worried that I am so tired and so hard up. My brother does not give a damn. "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn".
Sorry for the long vent. I am feeling better now.
My brother has the right to be a son of a beach, we were born in a village 10 miles from the sea. He has the right to have the pity/compassion/charity of a white shark, he was born near the sea.
William
How long has it been like this? (Sorry, just sat down & scanned ...) .
You might also call the hospital ER. Usually they have nurses who can talk with you.
Please don't drive! Especially if it's hot!
we share more in common every day. i had a similar event today.
My well meaning SIL phoned wanting to bring Dad lunch. She brings inappropriate food, things he can't chew, often spoiled. She is a hard headed Hungarian hoarder who often leaves groceries in the trunk of her car for hours.
Dad doesn't what her & my brother to visit b/c the exhaust him. They are the one's who took him to lunch while his piss bag was leaking, & ignored it. He had to sit in the restaurant with his shoe filling while they talked & talked.
Why they didn't smell it dumfounds me! They dropped him at the front entrance, he had to squish thru the lobby feeling embarassed & ride the elevator.
He phoned me really PISSED (That was before he moved in here) so of course I had to race down t his apt. & rig up a temp leg bag. Ever try to find a urinary collection bag on Sunday afternoon?
I managed to recylcle one & clean the damp trail tracks around the carpet ... but how could they ignore his pleas to look at the soaking shoe???
Dad was fed up - doesn't want to see them & has told them why. They mean well but ignore his needs & carry on their own conversation.
The Great White Shark ... great one! Thats my eldest brother! The world traveler with the luxury lifestyle! Somehow he can't repay Dad's huge loan, yet is able to buy new cars, vacation property & have catered birthday parties.
Scuba trips to the Great Barrier Reef & throughout Mexico.
He is constantly in crisis, financial & otherwise. His wife has a good job with benefits that should cover basic needs ...
while I have not had a one day break from Dad in years!
With the brother's behaviors Dad isn't apt to want to deal with them. He is not a child tho they treat him as such. The Great White hasn't called him in 2 years. Dad might mention the loan ... & his lavish lifestyle which I think may be in the toilet now.
Very sad ... he was a good brother years ago, until money strangled his ethics.
Dad & I are barely making it finacialy too. i've put my work on hold since I'm not able to depend on my equipment & time. Dad's needs are always first.
I've had to surrender several large jobs b/c I simply can not risk doing a job half way, then having a Dad emergency.
Blah ....
It's ear;y morning there & I hope you're sleeping in your bed. Not sweating the Bold & B.
Ratzo is parked on my lap ... I bought dad a squirt gun today! He's having fun with the cats!
Hugs to Rexy & gang!!!
These brothers seem blind, deaf, they visit their father/mother because they have to appease their conscience, but they do not really care.
They do not even "see" their parents anymore. They do not see us.
They made certain college was an option & all debts were paid.
The brothers made their own lives, which I respect, but their neglect of the sacrifices my parents made weigh heavy on me.
Dad is so disappointed that his sons are who they are now, altho somewhat successful.
That is wht=y he depends on me & is proud doing so.
place the tabs at top under original post?
We are near 2,800 on Grossed & love every post. Would like to have the newest first.
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j, you're a better person than I am to care for someone who abused you like that!
rip, I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time with your brothers! Thank you for the message to the web-master. I'd though about it, but didn't know how to go about telling them. I'm glad that you've enjoyed the star show!
rosella, i'm sorry that you're having a problem with your brothers, too!
Family can be the worst at times! But I guarantee that they'll be there when the will is read for anything that they haven't already carried home with them! Speaking from experience!!!
William, how's it going for you, today? Any luck with the POA?
GODhelpus, thank you for all of the encouragement!
As do the pets. I am always calmer & more patient after reading & writing!
A family I never realized.
Ears that truely listen ... OK ... eyes that honestly read & comprehend.
Positive .. rather than: "Why don't you do this or that?"
Just try it yourself, dear brothers! oh yeah .. too busy with vacations ...
forget that parents put you thru college, paving the way for your important jobs & now your decent lifestyles.
Anyone else in this scenario?
We are waiting to hear back from you ...