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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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My son came home from school one day,With a smirk upon his face.He decided he was smart enough,To put me in my place. "Guess what I learned in Civics Two,that's taught by Mr.. Wright?It's all about the laws today,The 'Children's Bill of Rights.' It says I need not clean my room,Don't have to cut my hairNo one can tell me what to think,Or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion,And regardless what you say,I don't have to bow my head,And I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want,And pierce my tongue & nose.I can read & watch just what I like,Get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me,I'll charge you with a crime.I'll back up all my charges,With the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch M e,My body's only for my use,Not for your hugs and kisses,that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals,Like your Mama did to you.That's nothing more than mind control,And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights,So you can't influence me,Or I'll call Children's Services Division,Better known as C.S..D." Mom's Reply and Thoughts Of course my first instinct wasTo toss him out the door.But the chance to teach him a lessonMade me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully,I couldn't let this go.A smile crept upon my face,he's messing with a pro. Next day I took him shoppingAt the local Goodwill Store..I told him, "Pick out all you want,there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.DWho said they didn't careIf I bought you K-Mart shoesInstead of those Nike Airs. I've canceled that appointmentTo take your driver's test.The C.S.D. Is unconcernedSo I'll decide what's best." I said "No time to stop and eat,Or pick up stuff to munch.And tomorrow you can start to learnTo make your own sack lunch. Just save the raging appetite,And wait till dinner time.We're having liver and onions,A favorite dish of mine." He asked "Can I please rent a movie,To watch on my VCR?""Sorry, but I sold your TV,For new tires on my car.I also rented out your room,You'll take the couch instead.The C.S.D. RequiresJust a roof over your head. Your clothing won't be trendy now,I'll choose what we eat.That allowance that you used to get,Will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski,Dirt-bike & roller blades.Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',It's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying,Why are you on your knees?Are you asking God to help you out,Instead of C.S.D..?" Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, OrHave children who will soon be teenagers or thosewho will be parents somedayOR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ...I love this One!!! MOM (Mean Old Mother.)
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat ther! e, sile ntly. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'
For the Ladies....So funny!!!! This has been around before but a good one to share just to brighten your day.......
Isn't This The Truth ??????
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.' In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?? ) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (REST??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately! Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a Mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable Always Lifts You Up Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. Send this to a strong person. I just did. The Creator is good. Change is coming. The Creator saw your sadness and said hard times are over. If you believe in Him, send this to ten people including me. Watch what happens in thirty minutes! Be honest and send this to anyone who made you smile this year. It may surprise you how many you get back. Thanks for making me smile.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Hope everyone is having a decent evening....went to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner...needed to get out..short vacation will probably be canceled next week.....nasty weather the 3 days we were going.....not driving 300 mi one way in sleet or freezing rain just to gamble. will go to harrah's in kc instead. now have to go down to col's house and put vertical blind back on that just fell off and look to see why her dog ran into the bedroom.....oh gee let me guess. Last time I cleaned her house I put squares of linoleum under each table leg....looks tacky but what did I find yesterday....only an inch of pee pooled in one around the leg......gave her a lecture about the dog being her responsibility...might as well talk to the wall. I've got some serious farming to do before bedtime on Facebook...guess I'd better get busy with the "important" crap now. Hugz to all!
Miz, find another catsitter. You can't trust her! Go to the vet, they always know the right people. I found most of my catsitters at the vet's, and they had animals, too. Sometimes, the vet himself has young relatives who want to earn some money.
yep miz !! im drinking bud ice and its friday . hubby s in bed , dad s chowing down on cereal .im thinking wheres allmy friends ? ah theyre at home too lol . one is sick going both ends . one is just getting over the bad coughs . im bored . oh i bet bobbie would like to decorate ur nails ! go buy u sme fake nails stuff and take it down there . im sure bobbie will get em on for ya . hit a water waves and finger nails on crooked while ur hubbys driving the boat . that would be so much fun ! dont forget margaritta . :=)
Hi Everyone. Work was stressful today. End of month stuff. Mail came late. Customers... I'm glad it's the weekend but I've not done well with weekends since Mom passed. Hubby and I plan to go out this weekend. I think we really need to. This house gets me down. Tired of Winter. Blah blah blah. One more week til boat time. I can't reach the girl who said she would take care of the kitties. It's so weird. She was so there for me when Mom was sick and now her phone is not taking calls and she's not responding to my texts. I'm really worried about her. I called a friend of hers and left a message but have not heard back. I wanted to get my nails and feet done for vacation but the friend that does that has not let me know when she can do it. I hate when things are unsettled. I guess I should not be bitching. I'm not up to my ass in snow or poop. Just worried and have that post traumatic stress thing. Not knowing where we will live, etc. My nephew's wife is in need of a liver/kidney transplant and she is at the top of the list but it could be a day and it could be a year. No way to know. This is my sister's son and daughter-in-law that no longer talks to me. Well, she talks to me if I speak to her first. Sorry, everyone. I am just a downer tonight. Maybe I need a zannie. :)
ohhaahaha rossella u makin me smile so big that it hurts . i hate walmart . i go there cuz its the only store we have here in this small stinky town , rest of the stores went under cuz of walmart . so its all walmarts fault ! ahh its beer time , hubby gone to bed , he s going to work tmr and my kitchen looks awful ! i dont feel like do anything . so its beer time . deef ! ur beer is getting warm ! guess i ll have to drink it for ya . pellets , mmm we burn wood and its nice too . but why is my electri bill so damn high ! at least i dont have oil or gas , i used to have gas , got rid of em , tired paying 800 bucks to fill up the tank and oops running out by time spring came around ahh another 800 bucks plz . change it to electri furnace well now i get high electri bill plus wood , i just dont understand , oh yes i do this house is not insulated very well . ikeep telling husband it needs this and that , he said well ok go ahead ! uhh i dont know anything about it . all im good for is to cook and dirty up the kitchen and take care of pa . oh im stressing , beer !!
Christina, thanks for your kind words. I Love Johnny Depp, too. Who doesn't? have you seen the movie where he was a mime? He was an amazing mime. (Benny and Joon) Deef, I am saving loads of money since I bought a pellet stove. Yes I know that you need more than one in a house that big, but I can tell you that I spend only 5 euros a day to heat the living room, which is the room where my mother lives, and the stove heats partially the rest of the ground floor, too. And it stays on all night, so if my mother loses her blanket, she is not cold. I hope I can buy one for my room (next year?) But I forgot the gas bills! That was a major nightmare. No one can understand you more than I do when you say that you want to hide in a heap of snow and wait until the bills are all paid! Linda, I must write a book: "Linda and Walmart". It seems to me you love it as much as I love the dentist. Bobbie, are you warmer, now?
Hi Sue! I felt your vibes, babe!!! OOOH. I have free movie tickets from Christmas and just looking for the perfect day to go. sigh. From down, to accepting, then to Neutral is a GOOD THING, ssk! Guess what comes next?!!! UP! Hoping for you that is soon:)) Sis here, fed Mother sugar free Jello, complaining her "pants are too loose". AAWWWW. Scrawny ass, anyway. OK--I'm 30 pounds overweight, but I workout like hell, drink lots of water, eat small amounts, so what is wrong with me? I drink 2 glasses of wine at night and eat See's candy a couple times a month. so what. Maybe a bag of Cheetos. so what. It's just not FAIR! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!:(((Just kidding. hehee
I'm bored today , so I'm cooking. Cabbage, sweet potato and apple casserole, pork chops. I watched a movie yeaterday, The American, with George Clooney, in Italy. Today I have rented a children's movie called Open Season. Pirate had mentioned the Gnome movie and the new Pirates of the Carribean. Yesterday I was all stressed and depressed, but today I'm feeling OK, neutral. Like , oh well, what the hell? Hope those who are feeling bad today will make an emotional turn for the better.
well, I don't like walmart, either, Linda. I like Target. Maybe I need to go online to find bracelet. Actually, all the crap they advertise on TV I see at Bed Bath and Beyond. I'll go there later and look. PIRATE QUEEN!!! Sorry I didn't read back far enough and see your return. So Happy{{{PQ}}}}. Love Johnny Depp, too. Loved him in Donnie BrascOMG, Chocolate with Juliet Binoche, What evah--he is the bomb. POC is my very favorite ride at Disneyland, when I HAVE to go there. Fortunately, the older I get, the less opportunities I have. haha Grandkids someday will reup my Pass. Until then, I avoid the crowd, just 25 minutes from my peaceful home. Linda, take a plastic bowl with warm sudsy water and let Pa soak his hands. Then take out, push cuticles back with a towel, file his nails with a black emery--made for acrylics(fast), then put a tiny bit of olive oil on each nail bed, rub in, then massage his hands and arms with Lubriderm or whatever you have. If I were there I'd do it for him then you, Babydoll;) My Mother is the only one I know with nerves in her toenails. Have to do it every month--she has a weird deformed bunion from wearing those damned pointy stilettos in the 50s. Me, I always wore clogs and loafers, so my feet are still pretty:))Best thing I've got going for me anymore!!! Doc called. No more Trazodone. Tonight, we go with Seroquel again. The drug NOT recommended or approved for elders with dementia, and can cause all sorts of things, but it works. SSK--How are you today? Any signs of company for you? Thinking of you all, with much {{{{{LOVE}}}} christina
christina - my dad was on trazodone . it didnt do anything for him . nurse was shocked , she said it would put a horse down . well not my dad , xannie does the job :-) oh deef i too wish i have a big garbage bag full of 100 dollar bills and share em with who needs em . we all shall buy a dollar lottery ticket and hope for the best . stick ur head in the snow and hope nobody finds u . mmm be careful dogs may come along and pee on u . :-) ok time to file pa s finger nails down , fun fun . he wont let me cut em with nail clippers , always jerkin his hands thinkin im going to nip his skin off . i quit doin it cuz he makes me nervouse , so filin em makes him relax and me too . christina -love that prayer u just said . i got online and found me a cute copper bracelet with diamonds on it for only 10 bucks ! and toe ring . im ordering it for me . screw walmart , they never have what i like . hope u find ones u like . miz , glad ure getting ur ring back today , yep my diamond fell out of my ring too and im still wearing it cuz other diamonds are still on it with one lit hole (missin one) . thats ok .
bobbie are u feeling better now after slurpin on carrots juice? , hope it doesnt give u the craps . xoxo
Lord, Please have mercy and pour Your abundance into the lives of these beautiful Caregivers right now. Amen. Linda, I forgot what you said about the bracelet. I'll do that. Your Pa and my Mother--she just threw up at breakfast, after 100 mg of Trazodone last night. Gave it to her at 8 pm, she was still awake and Combative at 1 am. Then slept until 5, still very drowsy, sleeping in the dining chair with feet up, afghan over her at 10:30am. Canceled my design appt,. Sis should be here any minute, and I'm sorry things will not be that much FUN for her today. THink I'll leave her with Mother while I take CG to Walmart and the market. Maybe we'll take a detour to the BOAT...Deefer, I wish I had a small sack of money to give you. Lord, please. Elizabeth!!! YOU GO GIRL! WHOO HOO!! I am so proud of you, and feel your Exhilaration!!! JOB--I usually get a job when I need a break. No kidding. Can't do it now, but gardening, doing small design jobs, singing now and then, helps. Hi to Suessk, Selfish Sibs, Peach, Jam, Max/Austin--Love you girls! ComicCuz,Courageous Bobbie, MizBoattime girl, Rosella--the brass polisher extraordinaire, Jen, our Baker Girl, THE DEEFER EVERYTHING EXTRAORDINAIRE, BIGHEART LINDA XOXO,TRUECOLORS $XO$O!! chill, CC, Headbanger, our newer friends: LOVED, ONE and ALL. Have a good day. Waiting for the doc to call back and give me some advice: NOW what do we do?
Well, just got an oil delivery for Mom's heat and water. Oil went up 63 cents in the last 7 weeks! It is now $3.30/gallon. That's $485 for 3 1/2 weeks of heat and hot water for Mom. Gas will deliver for my side of the house next week. That will be another $500 to $600! Okay, gonna go stick my head in a snow pile and hope no one finds me!!!!!!!
I got seven more thank yous done today. I'm almost done. And, my ring is ready and hubby is picking it up now. I don't know if I told you all this or not but one of the little bitty diamonds came out. It needed repaired. It has felt weird not having it on.
Deef, I am always late in paying my assistants. They understand. I give them what I can the due day, and the rest as soon as I can. This is life nowadays in Europe and in USA and people understand. Everybody accepts late payments. Don't shovel. Truecolors, keep your job! Keep it! Keep it!
thanks miz ... yes it breaks my heart . never dream that my dad would be like that . now he s laid back in his recliner watching the price is right . told him its janurary 28 th at 11 in the morning and its friday ! , he likes to know what day it is and such . other day i told him wow 2011 pa ! he shook his head . bet he s thinkin i didnt know i would live this long .
christina - am sorry u have a bull sittin on ur shoulders ! that sucks ! go to walmart and see if u can find the magnet bracelet . it would lessen up some pain . may take a week ? it took within a min for my hubby s pain to go away . my tennis elbow it took me about a week . ya shall try it ! they wanted to operate my hubby s shoulders he laugh and said nah ... bracelet only cost less than 8 bucks i think . i went the other day lookin for one , i found some but not my style . so i didnt get any . i think i may look online , i like the copper and magnet better , i gave mine to my sis cuz her knee was throbbin and she walked fine and i ask her about it she said oh i forgot all about the pain . she faithfuly wears em everyday , even takes shower with it , says im never takin it off .
jsomebody wooohoo gpa s outta the house . yeah yeah . so what ya and mom gonna do while he s gone ? hope its all good . how is ur plant doing in the basement . bet its doing good and happy to be away from ur mom . :-) ill be back again . need to go find me a beer and xannie . :-)
Awww, Linda. I feel so bad for you and your pa. His crying must tear you to pieces. You're such a good daughter and so patient. Beer and xannie time is right. Love & Big Time Hugs to You!!
deef- we shall have beer and xannax both ! maybe later we could have bobbie s coffee to treat out headaches ugh ? got pa up . a hellva mess to clean :-) . its all good , he says im so tired ohh im so tired , i ask him if he s too tired for bfast , he said oh no i can eat bfast . he s eating and crying at the same time , help me help me waaaa and take another bite , ohh help me hellpppp waaaa then another bite . non stop . over n over . yep its beer and xannie time , money wise always sucks . never fails , had 355.00 worth light bill , just barely had enuff topay the damn thing . i know it ll be higher next month cuz pa s been using ox machine every night , wonderful ! xoox
May have my first panic/anxiety attack today! need to pay Merry today and Mom's LTC reimbursement check did not come yet! I called the insurance company and they said it was mailed yesterday, later than usual. And, they were supposed to fix the address glitch 6 weeks ago. They have been putting the wrong zip code and were notified by me over a month ago to change it. Guess what? Still not changed, so the check will go to the wrong post office and have to find it's way back here, probably not until the end of next week!!!Must be running behind due to the nasty weather, but that doesn't help me out. Mom and I both have bills to pay today, and no $ to do it with. Guess I will have to call my sibs and beg for a loan to get through to next week. I so hate this sh!t and being in this position, especially knowing they are all getting their bills paid on time with $ to spare. Of course they didn't have to give up their jobs 3 years ago! Bobbie, Wish I could use that boat time right now!!! Miz, Hope you guys have a wonderful time! You deserve it! Okay, what's it gonna be? Beer? Xanax? cast your votes!!!
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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My son came home from school one day,With a smirk upon his face.He decided he was smart enough,To put me in my place. "Guess what I learned in Civics Two,that's taught by Mr.. Wright?It's all about the laws today,The 'Children's Bill of Rights.' It says I need not clean my room,Don't have to cut my hairNo one can tell me what to think,Or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion,And regardless what you say,I don't have to bow my head,And I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want,And pierce my tongue & nose.I can read & watch just what I like,Get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me,I'll charge you with a crime.I'll back up all my charges,With the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch M e,My body's only for my use,Not for your hugs and kisses,that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals,Like your Mama did to you.That's nothing more than mind control,And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights,So you can't influence me,Or I'll call Children's Services Division,Better known as C.S..D." Mom's Reply and Thoughts Of course my first instinct wasTo toss him out the door.But the chance to teach him a lessonMade me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully,I couldn't let this go.A smile crept upon my face,he's messing with a pro. Next day I took him shoppingAt the local Goodwill Store..I told him, "Pick out all you want,there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.DWho said they didn't careIf I bought you K-Mart shoesInstead of those Nike Airs. I've canceled that appointmentTo take your driver's test.The C.S.D. Is unconcernedSo I'll decide what's best." I said "No time to stop and eat,Or pick up stuff to munch.And tomorrow you can start to learnTo make your own sack lunch. Just save the raging appetite,And wait till dinner time.We're having liver and onions,A favorite dish of mine." He asked "Can I please rent a movie,To watch on my VCR?""Sorry, but I sold your TV,For new tires on my car.I also rented out your room,You'll take the couch instead.The C.S.D. RequiresJust a roof over your head. Your clothing won't be trendy now,I'll choose what we eat.That allowance that you used to get,Will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski,Dirt-bike & roller blades.Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',It's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying,Why are you on your knees?Are you asking God to help you out,Instead of C.S.D..?" Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, OrHave children who will soon be teenagers or thosewho will be parents somedayOR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ...I love this One!!!
MOM (Mean Old Mother.)
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat ther! e, sile ntly. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'
For the Ladies....So funny!!!! This has been around before but a good one to share just to brighten your day.......
Isn't This The Truth ??????
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do.
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?? ) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (REST??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately! Send this to all women that need a good laugh AND, don't forget to have a Mammogram!!!!!! It could save your life!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or
Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
Share this with a friend!
I Just Did!
A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. Send this to a strong person. I just did. The Creator is good. Change is coming. The Creator saw your sadness and said hard times are over. If you believe in Him, send this to ten people including me. Watch what happens in thirty minutes! Be honest and send this to anyone who made you smile this year. It may surprise you how many you get back. Thanks for making me smile.
Live, Laugh, Love
There's an
old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps
it would help if the sailors would change underwear
occasionally.
The first mate responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight
to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you
guys smell bad and wants you to change your
underwear."
He continued, " Leo you change with
Jerry. Tony you change with Bert and Bob you
change with Ed."
THE MORAL OF THE
STORY:
Someone may come along and
promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling
any better.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey",
died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in...
And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Sometimes, the vet himself has young relatives who want to earn some money.
oh i bet bobbie would like to decorate ur nails ! go buy u sme fake nails stuff and take it down there . im sure bobbie will get em on for ya . hit a water waves and finger nails on crooked while ur hubbys driving the boat . that would be so much fun !
dont forget margaritta . :=)
love,
miz
i hate walmart . i go there cuz its the only store we have here in this small stinky town , rest of the stores went under cuz of walmart . so its all walmarts fault !
ahh its beer time , hubby gone to bed , he s going to work tmr and my kitchen looks awful ! i dont feel like do anything . so its beer time . deef ! ur beer is getting warm ! guess i ll have to drink it for ya .
pellets , mmm we burn wood and its nice too . but why is my electri bill so damn high ! at least i dont have oil or gas , i used to have gas , got rid of em , tired paying 800 bucks to fill up the tank and oops running out by time spring came around ahh another 800 bucks plz . change it to electri furnace well now i get high electri bill plus wood , i just dont understand , oh yes i do this house is not insulated very well . ikeep telling husband it needs this and that , he said well ok go ahead ! uhh i dont know anything about it . all im good for is to cook and dirty up the kitchen and take care of pa .
oh im stressing , beer !!
Deef, I am saving loads of money since I bought a pellet stove. Yes I know that you need more than one in a house that big, but I can tell you that I spend only 5 euros a day to heat the living room, which is the room where my mother lives, and the stove heats partially the rest of the ground floor, too. And it stays on all night, so if my mother loses her blanket, she is not cold.
I hope I can buy one for my room (next year?) But I forgot the gas bills! That was a major nightmare.
No one can understand you more than I do when you say that you want to hide in a heap of snow and wait until the bills are all paid!
Linda, I must write a book: "Linda and Walmart". It seems to me you love it as much as I love the dentist.
Bobbie, are you warmer, now?
From down, to accepting, then to Neutral is a GOOD THING, ssk!
Guess what comes next?!!! UP! Hoping for you that is soon:))
Sis here, fed Mother sugar free Jello, complaining her "pants are too loose". AAWWWW. Scrawny ass, anyway. OK--I'm 30 pounds overweight, but I workout like hell, drink lots of water, eat small amounts, so what is wrong with me? I drink 2 glasses of wine at night and eat See's candy a couple times a month. so what. Maybe a bag of Cheetos. so what. It's just not FAIR!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!:(((Just kidding. hehee
PIRATE QUEEN!!! Sorry I didn't read back far enough and see your return. So Happy{{{PQ}}}}. Love Johnny Depp, too. Loved him in Donnie BrascOMG, Chocolate with Juliet Binoche, What evah--he is the bomb. POC is my very favorite ride at Disneyland, when I HAVE to go there. Fortunately, the older I get, the less opportunities I have. haha Grandkids someday will reup my Pass. Until then, I avoid the crowd, just 25 minutes from my peaceful home.
Linda, take a plastic bowl with warm sudsy water and let Pa soak his hands. Then take out, push cuticles back with a towel, file his nails with a black emery--made for acrylics(fast), then put a tiny bit of olive oil on each nail bed, rub in, then massage his hands and arms with Lubriderm or whatever you have. If I were there I'd do it for him then you, Babydoll;) My Mother is the only one I know with nerves in her toenails. Have to do it every month--she has a weird deformed bunion from wearing those damned pointy stilettos in the 50s. Me, I always wore clogs and loafers, so my feet are still pretty:))Best thing I've got going for me anymore!!!
Doc called. No more Trazodone. Tonight, we go with Seroquel again. The drug NOT recommended or approved for elders with dementia, and can cause all sorts of things, but it works.
SSK--How are you today? Any signs of company for you?
Thinking of you all, with much {{{{{LOVE}}}} christina
oh deef i too wish i have a big garbage bag full of 100 dollar bills and share em with who needs em . we all shall buy a dollar lottery ticket and hope for the best .
stick ur head in the snow and hope nobody finds u . mmm be careful dogs may come along and pee on u . :-)
ok time to file pa s finger nails down , fun fun . he wont let me cut em with nail clippers , always jerkin his hands thinkin im going to nip his skin off . i quit doin it cuz he makes me nervouse , so filin em makes him relax and me too .
christina -love that prayer u just said . i got online and found me a cute copper bracelet with diamonds on it for only 10 bucks ! and toe ring . im ordering it for me . screw walmart , they never have what i like . hope u find ones u like .
miz , glad ure getting ur ring back today , yep my diamond fell out of my ring too and im still wearing it cuz other diamonds are still on it with one lit hole (missin one) . thats ok .
bobbie are u feeling better now after slurpin on carrots juice? , hope it doesnt give u the craps . xoxo
Linda, I forgot what you said about the bracelet. I'll do that. Your Pa and my Mother--she just threw up at breakfast, after 100 mg of Trazodone last night. Gave it to her at 8 pm, she was still awake and Combative at 1 am. Then slept until 5, still very drowsy, sleeping in the dining chair with feet up, afghan over her at 10:30am. Canceled my design appt,. Sis should be here any minute, and I'm sorry things will not be that much FUN for her today. THink I'll leave her with Mother while I take CG to Walmart and the market. Maybe we'll take a detour to the BOAT...Deefer, I wish I had a small sack of money to give you. Lord, please.
Elizabeth!!! YOU GO GIRL! WHOO HOO!! I am so proud of you, and feel your Exhilaration!!! JOB--I usually get a job when I need a break. No kidding. Can't do it now, but gardening, doing small design jobs, singing now and then, helps.
Hi to Suessk, Selfish Sibs, Peach, Jam, Max/Austin--Love you girls! ComicCuz,Courageous Bobbie, MizBoattime girl, Rosella--the brass polisher extraordinaire, Jen, our Baker Girl, THE DEEFER EVERYTHING EXTRAORDINAIRE, BIGHEART LINDA XOXO,TRUECOLORS $XO$O!!
chill, CC, Headbanger, our newer friends: LOVED, ONE and ALL. Have a good day. Waiting for the doc to call back and give me some advice: NOW what do we do?
This is life nowadays in Europe and in USA and people understand. Everybody accepts late payments.
Don't shovel.
Truecolors, keep your job! Keep it! Keep it!
christina - am sorry u have a bull sittin on ur shoulders ! that sucks ! go to walmart and see if u can find the magnet bracelet . it would lessen up some pain . may take a week ? it took within a min for my hubby s pain to go away . my tennis elbow it took me about a week . ya shall try it !
they wanted to operate my hubby s shoulders he laugh and said nah ... bracelet only cost less than 8 bucks i think . i went the other day lookin for one , i found some but not my style . so i didnt get any . i think i may look online , i like the copper and magnet better , i gave mine to my sis cuz her knee was throbbin and she walked fine and i ask her about it she said oh i forgot all about the pain . she faithfuly wears em everyday , even takes shower with it , says im never takin it off .
jsomebody wooohoo gpa s outta the house . yeah yeah . so what ya and mom gonna do while he s gone ? hope its all good . how is ur plant doing in the basement . bet its doing good and happy to be away from ur mom . :-)
ill be back again . need to go find me a beer and xannie . :-)
miz
got pa up . a hellva mess to clean :-) . its all good ,
he says im so tired ohh im so tired , i ask him if he s too tired for bfast , he said oh no i can eat bfast .
he s eating and crying at the same time , help me help me waaaa and take another bite , ohh help me hellpppp waaaa then another bite . non stop . over n over .
yep its beer and xannie time ,
money wise always sucks . never fails , had 355.00 worth light bill , just barely had enuff topay the damn thing . i know it ll be higher next month cuz pa s been using ox machine every night ,
wonderful !
xoox
I so hate this sh!t and being in this position, especially knowing they are all getting their bills paid on time with $ to spare. Of course they didn't have to give up their jobs 3 years ago!
Bobbie, Wish I could use that boat time right now!!!
Miz, Hope you guys have a wonderful time! You deserve it!
Okay, what's it gonna be? Beer? Xanax? cast your votes!!!