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Speakin' of burnt biscuits...Mmm mm! Well ya know, we're not talkin' charcoal here, if they make the whole house smell like a The Smokey Da Bear Biscuit Bakery, they might just be a tad burnt bit too daggum done...depending I suppose, on ones tastes & sense of smell of course.
When I was just a mean little motor scooter, Mama ate those burnt biscuits...and toast, cookies, and even the supper meat that got waayyy too done. She always said she like it, that it was the bestest parts,and sometimes even alluded that she might have even over done it on purpose on the occasion, so she could have what she wanted for a change, so you best keep your hands off her burnt biscuits (or whatever). Well hmmm, said I to my very self (why yes, yes I do talk to myself on the occasion, and find myself reasonably good company...most times), if Mama likes it burnt, it must be good, as she's, well, Mama...I mean after all, she never had any compunction what-so-ever, in reminding my goofy silly self that she knew more than me (and always would come to think on it). So I would snag a burnt something or other when I could, when she actually burnt something that is, which really wasn't all too often as she was an excellently awesome professional cook. So ya see, it almost became like a treat, especially when I thought I was really gettin' one over on her, by gettin' my grubby little paws on slightly blacked vittles first..oh yeah babes, I became a verrry clever booster of burnt, is what I'm here to tell ya!
So life goes on, and I become quite the fan of crunchy grilled meats, toast that has no other colors in nature to match it's darkend hues, and of course the flat out burnt on the bottom, Chevy rusted fender colored topped biscuit (that's an official Crayola color if I'm not mistaken...okay okay, but it should be) , and still am to this day. Now not long after I was married, my wife and I made a weekend trips to see Mama fairly regular. We'd go do all kinds of fun family things, but my personal favorite thing, was getting some of my most favorite foods made just for me that I grew up with (you know, with that special Mama's touch, that ALL Mama's boys love to love). And oh my word was biscuits & sausage gravy on top o' that list! You know what's comin' huh?...you can almost smell that burnt biscuit right now cain't ya ;-) ?...yep, me too! Mama had just moved into her first apartment ever, and hadn't got the handle of a that 'new fangled 'lectric oven' yet, thus a whole pan of biscuits plumb got toasted...and *gasp* I caught her just as she was pitchin' 'em in the garbage! HOLY SMOKED BISCUITS! Mama, what in the hell are ya doin'?!!! "Whataya mean what am I doin', they're burnt s I'm pitchin' 'em?" But but but, you & me love burnt biscuits! "I hate burnt biscuits, always have and always will, and I figured by now, you'd of got some sense of taste and growed out it...but if'n ya want, I can pull 'em out of the trash for ya." You sayin' you NEVER like burnt biscuits? (I believe I shuttered) "Come on back to Earth boy, I had to eat 'em, that is until you started to take a likin' to 'em. You should know by now we couldn't afford to waste food back then, now do you want me to pull 'em out of the trash for your silly azzz or not? Cause I ain't burnin' none for ya special, it stinks up the damn whole house!" And by golly, I did!
Yyyep yep yep, hoodwinked by a five foot nothin' sparky little red headed burnt biscuit bamboozler again! You'll please have to excuse me now, I believe I smell me biscuits cookin' ;-)
Hey Christina, thanks, I would love to do that because there are so many people out there dealing with this stuff and there has got to be more answers. I encourage people to ask and answer questions right here on the thread because, in the same spirit of the above paragraph, we understand that there are others who are experiencing the exact same issues as the questions we pose.
OK: Deef! for Christina!
here is my non drug reality of Dementia: They're angry and they will say awful awful stuff. sometimes you can do a snap'emoutofit moment: Mom!!! it is NOT ok for you to talk to me/us/him/ like that!!!
My mom said the worst stuff you can imagine. Just is. She 'grew' out of it and I chose not to use psychopharm because I didn't want the host of side effects. Also, some of these drugs are counter indicated in the elderly and especially the elderly with Dementia or Alzheimers'. We just stuck with Namenda and Aricept which worked VERY well and her little dose of BP med. Everything else was food based.
I did use an unending litany of 'you're safe and sound' and that kind of thing. I also told my mom in one of her lucid moments that she had Dementia and that helped in our case because I would say later, 'that's just the Dementia talking'...when she was on a rant or had fears or whatever.
Verbal abuse is the norm for Dementia and it's almost impossible not to take it personally. See if she gets it out of her system to express the rage she must feel at being robbed of her brain and hopefully settle down into being a member of her own caregiving team. I was very fortunate with my mom that she settled down, got with the routine (they LOVE routine) and helped make it easier on herself and everybody.
another way to see it is that this decline IS going to happen and you will approach a time when you either get help inside your home or, if the design of your home does not lend itself, put your parent where there can be adequate help. Once again, It just is. you will not be able to pick her up or keep up with the minute to minute aspect of it and will need assistance. I got my mom to within 3 months of her death and when I finally conceded that I needed help because I literally couldn't hold her up and because it was killing me and because whe was forgetting how to walk. How to sit, how to stand. In order for her to stand I had to give her the both hands and pop her out of her chair. had to tell her how to hold her feet and put her weight over her feet and watch my feet and now we're walking with me backwards to get her to the bathroom every 20 minutes, because she doesn't remember that she just went and is restless so hey.... my back hurt, still does and how's your shoulder. It is LIFE DRAINING and making a choice to place a parent into a good healthy professional environment is not a bad choice.
I have written here that if I had it do again, I would have hired outside help almost immediately and stayed on my job. I put my financial future in dire straights to caregive for my mom. I don't regret the closeness that we developed but I know I could have handled it better with some decent perspective in the kind offered on this site. When I began and when a lot of women here on the site began, there was NO perspective and we saw ourselves in the eyes of those that were clueless and couldn't find help anywhere. bless that guy Joe, who dreamed this up.
Christina I am so sorry you have had some problems with your mother....believe me I also know that feeling of frustration when they lash out for what to us is an unknown reason. I would like to ask if your mother's medical doctor knows these meds were discontinued and was your mother tapered off or just abruptly stopped? That will make a difference in how she reacts. Some things you can stop immediately such as antibiotics.....others must be tapered off or their will be these strange side effects. My experience over the years has shown that a lot of psych docs will prescribe or stop meds without any consultation with medical docs.....sometimes to the detriment of the patient. Good luck to you and with your care of your mother.
OK, you girls can help me--I say girls because I don't see Ted or any other males, so I am not being exclusive in my address. DEEF, cause I think you give the best psycho advice: psych took Mother off detrol and sleep aid last week. Two nights in a row she is mean, crying, combative at bedtime. This never happened before. Last night she was so awful to my husband, who is the nicest guy in the world. She was yelling and shaking the rails and freaking out. I kept going down to talk to her but it did no good. I've got the snotty nose (my gross contribution) on top of my shoulder thang, so at 10:30 last time I went down to deal with her, I said, "Mom, please, I am so sick, and I have to get well to take care of you." She calmed down and went to sleep. Weird. She was so bad that I gave her 25mg more Seroquel at 9, which the doctor said was ok. I will call doctor this morning, but what is the best way to talk to her when she gets that way? Ignore her? Sympathize? My empathy is strong and I feel how scared she must be, but I wonder if she is totally out of control, because these are shades of the behavior I grew up with! It's maddening, hurtful, scary, exhausting. I won't see you guys on FB. I may not stay here either, but for different reasons than seems to be the trend. I came to AC for help, advice, information, and have been entertained and pleasantly surprised. I think this is the toughest job anyone could do, and probably prepares one for war and apocalypse. I admire everyone who attempts to do it, who does it well, and who does it because it is more humane than putting someone in a NH, but it is LIFE-DRAINING. Almost impossible to enjoy ones own life. That is my honest feeling. I enjoy my individual conversations on a wall instead of thread, because it is more personal. I will continue to do that, even though anyone can read them. I am still not quite convinced of the ethics of online communication, being very old-school, but I try to fit in until I discover I was correct in my assumptions in the first place. I appreciate your feedback on my problem with my Mother, but if I don't hear anything, that's OK. I am so happy for you all that you have each other, your boat, and bobbie--you are special and generous and too sweet. It is a great thing you do, to carry on with caregivers after your parents are gone. I would not want to do that, but we all have our passions, and you are helping to change the world of Caregivers. I think you should contact Oprah (OWN) and try to get something going. Maybe an audience full of caregivers that she indulges? All the Best to all you wonderful people. HUGS christina
ok thanks miz , i ll take those trash out . thought we re suppose to get some rain today , mmm havent seen any yet . it be nice if it would rain so all the snow be gone . am getting tired of lookin at the snow . better get up and take the trash out , he usualy comes about noon to 3 pm . but never know sometimes they suprise me . ijust started this trash thing in novemeber . usualy hubby hauls em out to the dump . this time decided that he dont have time for it , when we were busy haulin wood . wheres ted ? crowe ? few others too , hope theyre all ok .
LInda, I bet the trash man comes today. If they don't they get behind on their routes. Ours came today. And yup, I'll keep my prescription meds, thank you very much. :)
well said bobbie . time to move on and start a new . just too bad in some things but life goes on and keep a going . druggie , well hell im one of em :-) its all good . beers all good too . dont forget margaritta too . good morning u all . pa woke me up every 2 hrs needing to go pee . caught him once sittin straight up in bed about ready to try get in the wheelchair . told him if he s on the floor he be layin there all day cuz i have noo one here to help me get him up . that opened his eyes , then he tried to pull a fast one in the bathroom . nanana pa u be layin here too ! act like he s cripple . not cripple enuff to pull himself up of the bed and now cripple in bathroom . he s wearing me out . i dont know if the trash man comes aroud today ? mlk day . i know no mail but trash ? i guess i beter be safe to haul all the stinkin trash out by the road . wish i had bobbie s coffee to help me zoom zoom / ah i guess i ll take drugs then . :-) xoxoxo
Good Morning Everyone, I'm feeling low energy/depressed. I got plenty of sleep so that's not it. Really feeling sad about my mom. Someone told me I will have a good day and then several bad days or something like that. I am sorry I can't remember who said it. I think seeing my friend in the nursing home in her hospital gown and everything brought it back to me. It's okay though. I will continue to go see her of course. She needs me. No family close by. All the drama on here has gotten me down too. I so hope it passes soon and we can get on with things. It's much too important to lose such a good thing. K, gonna go do some laundry. I'll be back later. Love yous!!
Good morning Captain!!! I want some of that coffee you just had! Wow! Rowing back against the tide. You are one tough cookie! I am ready to get back to the business of helping each other, so let's get with it and all have a great care giving day!!!
I took a break from being raked over the coals and spent the entire day going back and forth on my dingy and then watching old Jack Benny shows. Wal Mart has videos of Jack Benny, (39 episodes for 2.50!!) and Johnny Carson (2.50) for stupid cheap and I sat here yesterday laughing my butt off. Man, go to your Wal Mart and get these DVDs and LAUGH!! wheeeeeeewwwww. sides hurt. last dinghy ride was me going out into the river with a big old flood tide, getting about a half mile away from where the boat is and the dinghy motor quits and I row back against the current. Good to know I still got it.
OK, I caught up on the thread and here's the deal as I see it.
I started this thing because I knew I wasn't alone. I didn't expect to be read or loved by all. Didn't ever think I was important enough to be talked about if you weren't talking TO me.
Was wonderfully surprised by the love and support i recieved and I worked HARD to return that love and support to folks that were here from before my mom died and new folks who have found themselves in the same place as I was and are overwhelmed.
Am sorrowfully surprised on the amount of venom spewed on my behalf. don't these 2 fools have a life? I know I do. Takes a lot of time and energy to do that. Why don't they use that same time and energy to help other caregivers or just get off the site and get a job or something.
As far as the revisionist history is concerned, as in 'I didn't call her Hitler..." I don't know if these 2 women understand that what they have written is on the web FOREVER so we can go back and see the exact quotes and aside from being just plain mean and invented, you both wrote nasty nasty stuff about so many people here and it's in black and white so you can't deny it although you think you can. this isn't a conversation where you can go: oh, I didn't say that. oh yes you both did and you both are supremely guilty of slander. Nice job.
My email box is full with people wanting to know if I am going to defend myself, am I going to leave, don't let them 'win', etc. 'You are here to keep us out of the dark hole, etc.'
No. I am not here to keep anyone out of the dark hole at the cost of my peace of mind. I am here for you; the boat is here for you and something tells me that there aren't a lot of people out there that are making any offers near that one, but not at the cost of my peace of mind.
We all row together or get off the boat.
No. I am NOT going to leave. 2 spiteful hags are not going to sink the boat. When a boat is having a problem with crew like this one was, the Captain gets rid of what is causing the problem. In this case, one problem was eliminated and another problem eliminated itself but keeps boiling like sewage in sunlight and trying to stink up the place.
Yup, I started this thread and I am proud of most of the people on it. I know up close and personal the challenges you are facing and how hard it really is.
I will defend myself on this count: There is no prescription drug abuse or drug abuse or drinking involved. I have a couple glasses of wine and I am sick. Can't do it. few beers now and again and there you go. Prescription drugs? Well, there's Prozac and Xanax which I think so many of us use/used because when we get into caregiving it IS depressing and feels like there is no end in sight so I got help and let me tell you it WORKS!! So, if you are caregiving and depressed, get some of this stuff because it will really help you out. It did me. I did want to address that because of the many out there that need to take something like that to keep from killing themselves.
I haven't read any more of the stuff that has been forwarded to me because there's no point in it. Crew: don't forward me any more of that stuff. Hopefully you have noticed that if you forward them a hug you get back more venom about me and the thread.
think of the new caregivers that are finding this thread, not this site, bit this thread on Google, etc and the help they need. there is no time for the delusions of the damned.
One more thing: for the record. I believe in God. I don't believe in religion because of the hate it fosters. The crap we're ALL going through is a case in point. Good Christians all. oh puleeze
Well, Happy Martin Luther King Day and if I offended anyone I meant it.
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, so I'm waiting for my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
And, This is the last thing I want to say on the subject, if you "find" a group and you don't like it, you go away, it's fine. If you "stay" in a group for months and months, it becomes your group, you talk a lot about your life, and you get to know the people that are in this group quite well, and then, when there are problems, you decide to go away, it's not fine. You should fight a little bit for something that you felt as "yours" and gave you a lot of support and help during that time. Abandoning the boat that sinks is not the way I like to live my life. And that's all, I have said what I had to say, we are grown up people, anyone can do what he likes.
Cuz, thank you! We really needed something of this kind! Jen, I agree on the fact that if you don't like it here and you want to move, you are free to do so. But going away and attacking and saying terrible things about the people that are here on another part of the site, this is not fair.This is destructive and it does not help anyone.
Subject: wrapping paper I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose. The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Mummy."
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"
She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Mummy, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full." The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger. An accident took the life of the child only a short time later, and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary Kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been a given Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. You now have two choices: 1. Pass this on to your friends, or 2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart. As you can see, I took choice No. 1. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. Luv cuz
I got this from a friend and wanted to pass it along. We should all count our blessings and not sweat the small stuff. Burned Biscuits-author unknown
When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat every bite!
When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides – a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other’s faults - and choosing to celebrate each others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."
So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine. And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life.
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point."
Oh Jam, I am so sorry you get migraines. I have another friend who gets them all the time and I know how debilitating they can be. I hope it's gone in the morning. And you know I and others can relate to missing our moms. It's oh so difficult but I believe also it will get better over time.
Ok gang I guess I missed something this afternoon. Nope never got my nap.....developed a raging headache that is not completely gone yet. Thank you mom and dad for the migraine legacy.....there is not a person in my family that does not get them.....hate them and I'm out of good drugs. Hubby may be changing jobs....getting out of ER and was offered the opportunity to set up and run a new urgent care. I hope that is what he decides to do....it would be so much better and he would probably only work 3 days a week from 3 pm to 11 pm. The only unsure part is we would have to find our own health insurance and he would have to pay his own malpractice insurance...ouch! It's less money per hour but oh so much less stress. Went down to give col her nighttime meds and she decided she was ready for bed......very unusual for her but changed to dry undies, put jammies on and away she went with a smile on her face! So much easier to do what needs to be done when she is happy. Missing my mom today.....I know it will get better over time....going to go lie down now...hope everyone has a peaceful and restful night. Hugz to all!!!!
I can understand both sides of the feud issue. There is a great deal of negativity on this thread but the whole thing was started about being "Grossed Out" and tired of the situation we were all in individually. For some who have come on they were shocked and offended to here us bad mouth loved ones who needed our care, then they got jumped on sometimes fairly sometime un fairly. But no one has to stay on a thread, you can go to other ones other sites even and meet with people you feel a better connection to. Some blogs are more established than others and it is hard to be new and fit in and find your way. And then to be jumped on makes it just a non issue and others move away. You can't change others into what you want them to be, in life or on a site. If we have the reputation for being bitter, angry, selfish shrews we are also doing our jobs, losing sleep, worn out, caring for loved ones and giving each other support over it here.... The whole jist of this particular blog was "Grossed Out"...People talking about the stress and annoyance of doing things in their care-giving that are well, Gross to them. To some that is seen as disrespectful and unkind to their loved ones. Maybe so, but at least it is here, where there is a place to vent and be supported by others doing the same thing...If that is bad so be it. Maybe it is a negative thread, but there are positives from it. People feel supported and connected to others in a similar situation. Granted it was a mistake to become cliquish and jump on new people but when one feels attacked, one often will attack right back...Also if you like someone you don't want to see them attacked either, some have maybe been too strident in defending others but what else should we do?... It is also too long now to "Read All The Thread" but one can listen a long for a bit and see if it is a place they want to be and choose for themselves to stay or not. As it is it is a blog on line where people talk about the issues of care-giving and in particular its irritations. If this is not for you, you can find another blog that may be more helpful to you, or this blog may be helpful at one time or another and later you may find you don't feel it is what you want anymore, then you can close out that bit of your life and move forward and make connections elsewhere. This blog will probably go on, new people come, old people stay or go and it grows and moves in relation to what people put into it. Like anything else. If it helps go ahead and stay, if it doesn't move on to something new...Not everything is right for everyone at all times...That is the same anywhere in life....
Thank you Rossella! We are all here for the love and support of each other and you have put all of our feelings into words for us. You are such a good writer and a great friend to all of us. Let's move on past this silliness and start having fun again. I for one sure could use a little fun right now. I'm sure Mom has a UTI again and the doctor's office never got back to me on Friday.Now, tomorrow is a holiday, so the office is closed, and Mom is a mess! Then there's that old full moon coming on Wednesday! Mom's got some timing!
hi there jsomebody :-) i didnt want to get online yet cuz my friends all will wanna talk . its almost 9 now so im going to watch my shows , it ll be over at 11 pm few hrs . then i will get on f/b . hope to see ya there . gpa s got a cold now ? maybe mommy will take him to dr and have him cked out ? hope u dont get em . theyre nasty ! ive had sinus pblms for almost a month now . its slowly going away . goodnight you all , sleep tight xoxo
amen rossella ! well said . hubby s gone to bed and pretty soon my d/h will be on and then bro and sis be on , gotta watch my soaps . then i believe i ll hop on theboat tnite . hope to see u all there . missing yackin with ya all . pa is doing good today . still trying to cough up the mucus only lit bit comes out . where is everybody at ? peachie sounded like shes in the dump like i was yesterday . but am ok now . smile everybody tmr is a brand new day MONDAY ohhh lala , xoxo
Grossed out crew, I should work, but there is a stone on my heart and I have to take it off in order to be tranquil and serene enough to focus on my work. I think it's not a secret that the latest developments have shocked and disoriented many of us. I see that many disagreable things are being said and people are starting to be fed up and demotivated. I'd like to tell you now how I approached this site, and in particular this thread, how I continued to approach it and how I hope to approach it in the future. We are people so different. So different stories, so different natures, so different experiences. When I read the first posts, last summer, sometimes I was kind of shocked by what some people said, I found them too resentful (honestly), and other times, when I read that some people were glad and honoured to clean their parents poop, it seemed to me exaggerated and even false. Then I understood that I was watching things from "my own" perspective. My mother has been quite good, but not perfect. My family in general, has been quite good but not perfect. Other people on the thread come from warmer families, other peiple come from "colder" families than mine. So I started to understand why some people were so rebel against this caregiving thing, and why other people blessed every single moment they spent with their aged and sick relative. When I understood it, I started to read what people had to say without judging, I just "listened", that's all. Listened without prejudice. And i decided to stay on the thread and write on the thread because I DID NOT FEEL ALONE ANYMORE. Other people, so different from me, WERE IN THE SAME SITUATION. And I felt conforted and supported by thinking that other people had the same thoughts and feelings I had in my worst and/or best moments. And I learned many useful things for me.
That's why I don't understand what this mess is about. It seems to me that people judge each other for what they say, for how they feel, for how they behave. This is not the point, according to me! THIS IS NOT THE REASON WHY WE ARE HERE. If we are a flock of sheep, as someone has said, we are the strangest flock I have ever seen. Every sheep is different than the other, and though for a mysterious and magical reason we succeded to stay together in the last months, anyway! I DON'T WANT THE FLOCK TO GO ASTRAY! It is important for me and I think it is important for many of you. Please think it over! Let's grit our teeth and let's overcome this bad moment!
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Well ya know, we're not talkin' charcoal here, if they make the whole house smell like a The Smokey Da Bear Biscuit Bakery, they might just be a tad burnt bit too daggum done...depending I suppose, on ones tastes & sense of smell of course.
When I was just a mean little motor scooter, Mama ate those burnt biscuits...and toast, cookies, and even the supper meat that got waayyy too done.
She always said she like it, that it was the bestest parts,and sometimes even alluded that she might have even over done it on purpose on the occasion, so she could have what she wanted for a change, so you best keep your hands off her burnt biscuits (or whatever).
Well hmmm, said I to my very self (why yes, yes I do talk to myself on the occasion, and find myself reasonably good company...most times), if Mama likes it burnt, it must be good, as she's, well, Mama...I mean after all, she never had any compunction what-so-ever, in reminding my goofy silly self that she knew more than me (and always would come to think on it).
So I would snag a burnt something or other when I could, when she actually burnt something that is, which really wasn't all too often as she was an excellently awesome professional cook.
So ya see, it almost became like a treat, especially when I thought I was really gettin' one over on her, by gettin' my grubby little paws on slightly blacked vittles first..oh yeah babes, I became a verrry clever booster of burnt, is what I'm here to tell ya!
So life goes on, and I become quite the fan of crunchy grilled meats, toast that has no other colors in nature to match it's darkend hues, and of course the flat out burnt on the bottom, Chevy rusted fender colored topped biscuit (that's an official Crayola color if I'm not mistaken...okay okay, but it should be) , and still am to this day.
Now not long after I was married, my wife and I made a weekend trips to see Mama fairly regular.
We'd go do all kinds of fun family things, but my personal favorite thing, was getting some of my most favorite foods made just for me that I grew up with (you know, with that special Mama's touch, that ALL Mama's boys love to love).
And oh my word was biscuits & sausage gravy on top o' that list!
You know what's comin' huh?...you can almost smell that burnt biscuit right now cain't ya ;-) ?...yep, me too!
Mama had just moved into her first apartment ever, and hadn't got the handle of a that 'new fangled 'lectric oven' yet, thus a whole pan of biscuits plumb got toasted...and *gasp* I caught her just as she was pitchin' 'em in the garbage!
HOLY SMOKED BISCUITS! Mama, what in the hell are ya doin'?!!!
"Whataya mean what am I doin', they're burnt s I'm pitchin' 'em?"
But but but, you & me love burnt biscuits!
"I hate burnt biscuits, always have and always will, and I figured by now, you'd of got some sense of taste and growed out it...but if'n ya want, I can pull 'em out of the trash for ya."
You sayin' you NEVER like burnt biscuits?
(I believe I shuttered)
"Come on back to Earth boy, I had to eat 'em, that is until you started to take a likin' to 'em. You should know by now we couldn't afford to waste food back then, now do you want me to pull 'em out of the trash for your silly azzz or not? Cause I ain't burnin' none for ya special, it stinks up the damn whole house!"
And by golly, I did!
Yyyep yep yep, hoodwinked by a five foot nothin' sparky little red headed burnt biscuit bamboozler again!
You'll please have to excuse me now, I believe I smell me biscuits cookin' ;-)
thanks, I would love to do that because there are so many people out there dealing with this stuff and there has got to be more answers.
I encourage people to ask and answer questions right here on the thread because, in the same spirit of the above paragraph, we understand that there are others who are experiencing the exact same issues as the questions we pose.
OK: Deef! for Christina!
here is my non drug reality of Dementia:
They're angry and they will say awful awful stuff.
sometimes you can do a snap'emoutofit moment:
Mom!!! it is NOT ok for you to talk to me/us/him/ like that!!!
My mom said the worst stuff you can imagine. Just is.
She 'grew' out of it and I chose not to use psychopharm because I didn't want the host of side effects.
Also, some of these drugs are counter indicated in the elderly and especially the elderly with Dementia or Alzheimers'.
We just stuck with Namenda and Aricept which worked VERY well and her little dose of BP med.
Everything else was food based.
I did use an unending litany of 'you're safe and sound' and that kind of thing.
I also told my mom in one of her lucid moments that she had Dementia and that helped in our case because I would say later, 'that's just the Dementia talking'...when she was on a rant or had fears or whatever.
Verbal abuse is the norm for Dementia and it's almost impossible not to take it personally. See if she gets it out of her system to express the rage she must feel at being robbed of her brain and hopefully settle down into being a member of her own caregiving team.
I was very fortunate with my mom that she settled down, got with the routine (they LOVE routine) and helped make it easier on herself and everybody.
another way to see it is that this decline IS going to happen and you will approach a time when you either get help inside your home or, if the design of your home does not lend itself, put your parent where there can be adequate help.
Once again, It just is. you will not be able to pick her up or keep up with the minute to minute aspect of it and will need assistance.
I got my mom to within 3 months of her death and when I finally conceded that I needed help because I literally couldn't hold her up and because it was killing me and because whe was forgetting how to walk. How to sit, how to stand.
In order for her to stand I had to give her the both hands and pop her out of her chair. had to tell her how to hold her feet and put her weight over her feet and watch my feet and now we're walking with me backwards to get her to the bathroom every 20 minutes, because she doesn't remember that she just went and is restless so hey.... my back hurt, still does and how's your shoulder.
It is LIFE DRAINING and making a choice to place a parent into a good healthy professional environment is not a bad choice.
I have written here that if I had it do again, I would have hired outside help almost immediately and stayed on my job.
I put my financial future in dire straights to caregive for my mom. I don't regret the closeness that we developed but I know I could have handled it better with some decent perspective in the kind offered on this site.
When I began and when a lot of women here on the site began, there was NO perspective and we saw ourselves in the eyes of those that were clueless and couldn't find help anywhere.
bless that guy Joe, who dreamed this up.
You're a good daughter christina!
more later,
lovbob
DEEF, cause I think you give the best psycho advice: psych took Mother off detrol and sleep aid last week. Two nights in a row she is mean, crying, combative at bedtime. This never happened before. Last night she was so awful to my husband, who is the nicest guy in the world. She was yelling and shaking the rails and freaking out. I kept going down to talk to her but it did no good. I've got the snotty nose (my gross contribution) on top of my shoulder thang, so at 10:30 last time I went down to deal with her, I said, "Mom, please, I am so sick, and I have to get well to take care of you." She calmed down and went to sleep. Weird. She was so bad that I gave her 25mg more Seroquel at 9, which the doctor said was ok.
I will call doctor this morning, but what is the best way to talk to her when she gets that way? Ignore her? Sympathize? My empathy is strong and I feel how scared she must be, but I wonder if she is totally out of control, because these are shades of the behavior I grew up with! It's maddening, hurtful, scary, exhausting.
I won't see you guys on FB. I may not stay here either, but for different reasons than seems to be the trend. I came to AC for help, advice, information, and have been entertained and pleasantly surprised. I think this is the toughest job anyone could do, and probably prepares one for war and apocalypse. I admire everyone who attempts to do it, who does it well, and who does it because it is more humane than putting someone in a NH, but it is LIFE-DRAINING. Almost impossible to enjoy ones own life. That is my honest feeling.
I enjoy my individual conversations on a wall instead of thread, because it is more personal. I will continue to do that, even though anyone can read them. I am still not quite convinced of the ethics of online communication, being very old-school, but I try to fit in until I discover I was correct in my assumptions in the first place.
I appreciate your feedback on my problem with my Mother, but if I don't hear anything, that's OK. I am so happy for you all that you have each other, your boat, and bobbie--you are special and generous and too sweet. It is a great thing you do, to carry on with caregivers after your parents are gone. I would not want to do that, but we all have our passions, and you are helping to change the world of Caregivers. I think you should contact Oprah (OWN) and try to get something going. Maybe an audience full of caregivers that she indulges?
All the Best to all you wonderful people. HUGS christina
better get up and take the trash out , he usualy comes about noon to 3 pm . but never know sometimes they suprise me .
ijust started this trash thing in novemeber . usualy hubby hauls em out to the dump . this time decided that he dont have time for it , when we were busy haulin wood .
wheres ted ? crowe ? few others too , hope theyre all ok .
love,
miz
druggie , well hell im one of em :-) its all good . beers all good too . dont forget margaritta too .
good morning u all . pa woke me up every 2 hrs needing to go pee . caught him once sittin straight up in bed about ready to try get in the wheelchair . told him if he s on the floor he be layin there all day cuz i have noo one here to help me get him up . that opened his eyes , then he tried to pull a fast one in the bathroom . nanana pa u be layin here too ! act like he s cripple . not cripple enuff to pull himself up of the bed and now cripple in bathroom . he s wearing me out .
i dont know if the trash man comes aroud today ? mlk day . i know no mail but trash ? i guess i beter be safe to haul all the stinkin trash out by the road . wish i had bobbie s coffee to help me zoom zoom / ah i guess i ll take drugs then . :-)
xoxoxo
miz
Wow! Rowing back against the tide. You are one tough cookie!
I am ready to get back to the business of helping each other, so let's get with it and all have a great care giving day!!!
I took a break from being raked over the coals and spent the entire day going back and forth on my dingy and then watching old Jack Benny shows.
Wal Mart has videos of Jack Benny, (39 episodes for 2.50!!) and Johnny Carson (2.50) for stupid cheap and I sat here yesterday laughing my butt off.
Man, go to your Wal Mart and get these DVDs and LAUGH!!
wheeeeeeewwwww. sides hurt.
last dinghy ride was me going out into the river with a big old flood tide, getting about a half mile away from where the boat is and the dinghy motor quits and I row back against the current.
Good to know I still got it.
OK, I caught up on the thread and here's the deal as I see it.
I started this thing because I knew I wasn't alone.
I didn't expect to be read or loved by all. Didn't ever think I was important enough to be talked about if you weren't talking TO me.
Was wonderfully surprised by the love and support i recieved and I worked HARD to return that love and support to folks that were here from before my mom died and new folks who have found themselves in the same place as I was and are overwhelmed.
Am sorrowfully surprised on the amount of venom spewed on my behalf. don't these 2 fools have a life? I know I do.
Takes a lot of time and energy to do that.
Why don't they use that same time and energy to help other caregivers or just get off the site and get a job or something.
As far as the revisionist history is concerned, as in 'I didn't call her Hitler..." I don't know if these 2 women understand that what they have written is on the web FOREVER so we can go back and see the exact quotes and aside from being just plain mean and invented, you both wrote nasty nasty stuff about so many people here and it's in black and white so you can't deny it although you think you can.
this isn't a conversation where you can go: oh, I didn't say that.
oh yes you both did and you both are supremely guilty of slander. Nice job.
My email box is full with people wanting to know if I am going to defend myself, am I going to leave, don't let them 'win', etc. 'You are here to keep us out of the dark hole, etc.'
No. I am not here to keep anyone out of the dark hole at the cost of my peace of mind. I am here for you; the boat is here for you and something tells me that there aren't a lot of people out there that are making any offers near that one, but not at the cost of my peace of mind.
We all row together or get off the boat.
No. I am NOT going to leave. 2 spiteful hags are not going to sink the boat. When a boat is having a problem with crew like this one was, the Captain gets rid of what is causing the problem. In this case, one problem was eliminated and another problem eliminated itself but keeps boiling like sewage in sunlight and trying to stink up the place.
Yup, I started this thread and I am proud of most of the people on it. I know up close and personal the challenges you are facing and how hard it really is.
I will defend myself on this count:
There is no prescription drug abuse or drug abuse or drinking involved. I have a couple glasses of wine and I am sick. Can't do it. few beers now and again and there you go.
Prescription drugs? Well, there's Prozac and Xanax which I think so many of us use/used because when we get into caregiving it IS depressing and feels like there is no end in sight so I got help and let me tell you it WORKS!!
So, if you are caregiving and depressed, get some of this stuff because it will really help you out. It did me.
I did want to address that because of the many out there that need to take something like that to keep from killing themselves.
I haven't read any more of the stuff that has been forwarded to me because there's no point in it.
Crew: don't forward me any more of that stuff. Hopefully you have noticed that if you forward them a hug you get back more venom about me and the thread.
think of the new caregivers that are finding this thread, not this site, bit this thread on Google, etc and the help they need. there is no time for the delusions of the damned.
One more thing: for the record.
I believe in God. I don't believe in religion because of the hate it fosters. The crap we're ALL going through is a case in point.
Good Christians all. oh puleeze
Well, Happy Martin Luther King Day and if I offended anyone I meant it.
lovbob
If you "stay" in a group for months and months, it becomes your group, you talk a lot about your life, and you get to know the people that are in this group quite well, and then, when there are problems, you decide to go away, it's not fine. You should fight a little bit for something that you felt as "yours" and gave you a lot of support and help during that time. Abandoning the boat that sinks is not the way I like to live my life.
And that's all, I have said what I had to say, we are grown up people, anyone can do what he likes.
Jen, I agree on the fact that if you don't like it here and you want to move, you are free to do so. But going away and attacking and saying terrible things about the people that are here on another part of the site, this is not fair.This is destructive and it does not help anyone.
I received this from a friend who had a choice to make. It said that I had a choice to make too. I've chosen. Now it's your turn to choose.
The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive wrapping paper.
Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her
mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Mummy."
The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but
her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was
empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know,
young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be
something inside the package?"
She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Mummy, it's not empty!
I blew kisses into it until it was full."
The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms
around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.
An accident took the life of the child only a short time later,
and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for
all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced
difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary
Kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings,
have been a given Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses
from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious
possession anyone could hold.
You now have two choices:
1. Pass this on to your friends, or
2. Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice No. 1. Friends are like angels
who lift us to our feet, when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly.
Luv cuz
I got this from a friend and wanted to pass it along. We should all count our blessings and not sweat the small stuff.
Burned Biscuits-author unknown
When I was a kid, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every
now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made
breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago,
my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned biscuits in
front of my dad I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all
my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my Mom and ask me how my
day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I
do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that biscuit and eat
every bite!
When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom
apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget
what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."
Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he
really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said,
"Your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And
besides – a little burned biscuit never hurt anyone!"
Life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people. I'm not the
best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just
like everyone else. But what I've learned over the years is that
learning to accept each other’s faults - and choosing to celebrate each
others differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a
healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.
And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the
good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet
of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give
you a relationship where a burnt biscuit isn't a deal-breaker!
We could extend this to any relationship. In fact, understanding is the
base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or
friendship!
"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep
it in your own."
So Please pass me a biscuit, and yes, the burned one will do just fine.
And PLEASE pass this along to someone who has enriched your life.
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some
kind of battle.
"Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point."
love,
miz
Hubby may be changing jobs....getting out of ER and was offered the opportunity to set up and run a new urgent care. I hope that is what he decides to do....it would be so much better and he would probably only work 3 days a week from 3 pm to 11 pm. The only unsure part is we would have to find our own health insurance and he would have to pay his own malpractice insurance...ouch! It's less money per hour but oh so much less stress.
Went down to give col her nighttime meds and she decided she was ready for bed......very unusual for her but changed to dry undies, put jammies on and away she went with a smile on her face! So much easier to do what needs to be done when she is happy. Missing my mom today.....I know it will get better over time....going to go lie down now...hope everyone has a peaceful and restful night. Hugz to all!!!!
But no one has to stay on a thread, you can go to other ones other sites even and meet with people you feel a better connection to. Some blogs are more established than others and it is hard to be new and fit in and find your way. And then to be jumped on makes it just a non issue and others move away. You can't change others into what you want them to be, in life or on a site. If we have the reputation for being bitter, angry, selfish shrews we are also doing our jobs, losing sleep, worn out, caring for loved ones and giving each other support over it here.... The whole jist of this particular blog was "Grossed Out"...People talking about the stress and annoyance of doing things in their care-giving that are well, Gross to them. To some that is seen as disrespectful and unkind to their loved ones. Maybe so, but at least it is here, where there is a place to vent and be supported by others doing the same thing...If that is bad so be it. Maybe it is a negative thread, but there are positives from it. People feel supported and connected to others in a similar situation.
Granted it was a mistake to become cliquish and jump on new people but when one feels attacked, one often will attack right back...Also if you like someone you don't want to see them attacked either, some have maybe been too strident in defending others but what else should we do?...
It is also too long now to "Read All The Thread" but one can listen a long for a bit and see if it is a place they want to be and choose for themselves to stay or not. As it is it is a blog on line where people talk about the issues of care-giving and in particular its irritations. If this is not for you, you can find another blog that may be more helpful to you, or this blog may be helpful at one time or another and later you may find you don't feel it is what you want anymore, then you can close out that bit of your life and move forward and make connections elsewhere. This blog will probably go on, new people come, old people stay or go and it grows and moves in relation to what people put into it. Like anything else. If it helps go ahead and stay, if it doesn't move on to something new...Not everything is right for everyone at all times...That is the same anywhere in life....
Let's move on past this silliness and start having fun again. I for one sure could use a little fun right now.
I'm sure Mom has a UTI again and the doctor's office never got back to me on Friday.Now, tomorrow is a holiday, so the office is closed, and Mom is a mess! Then there's that old full moon coming on Wednesday! Mom's got some timing!
i didnt want to get online yet cuz my friends all will wanna talk . its almost 9 now so im going to watch my shows , it ll be over at 11 pm few hrs . then i will get on f/b . hope to see ya there .
gpa s got a cold now ? maybe mommy will take him to dr and have him cked out ? hope u dont get em . theyre nasty ! ive had sinus pblms for almost a month now . its slowly going away . goodnight you all , sleep tight xoxo
At least it is coming out that is healing....
Grandpa has a cold now....I spray oust like nobodies business.
hubby s gone to bed and pretty soon my d/h will be on and then bro and sis be on , gotta watch my soaps . then i believe i ll hop on theboat tnite . hope to see u all there . missing yackin with ya all .
pa is doing good today . still trying to cough up the mucus only lit bit comes out .
where is everybody at ? peachie sounded like shes in the dump like i was yesterday . but am ok now .
smile everybody tmr is a brand new day MONDAY ohhh lala , xoxo
I should work, but there is a stone on my heart and I have to take it off in order to be tranquil and serene enough to focus on my work.
I think it's not a secret that the latest developments have shocked and disoriented many of us. I see that many disagreable things are being said and people are starting to be fed up and demotivated.
I'd like to tell you now how I approached this site, and in particular this thread, how I continued to approach it and how I hope to approach it in the future.
We are people so different. So different stories, so different natures, so different experiences. When I read the first posts, last summer, sometimes I was kind of shocked by what some people said, I found them too resentful (honestly), and other times, when I read that some people were glad and honoured to clean their parents poop, it seemed to me exaggerated and even false. Then I understood that I was watching things from "my own" perspective. My mother has been quite good, but not perfect. My family in general, has been quite good but not perfect. Other people on the thread come from warmer families, other peiple come from "colder" families than mine. So I started to understand why some people were so rebel against this caregiving thing, and why other people blessed every single moment they spent with their aged and sick relative. When I understood it, I started to read what people had to say without judging, I just "listened", that's all. Listened without prejudice. And i decided to stay on the thread and write on the thread because I DID NOT FEEL ALONE ANYMORE. Other people, so different from me, WERE IN THE SAME SITUATION. And I felt conforted and supported by thinking that other people had the same thoughts and feelings I had in my worst and/or best moments. And I learned many useful things for me.
That's why I don't understand what this mess is about. It seems to me that people judge each other for what they say, for how they feel, for how they behave.
This is not the point, according to me! THIS IS NOT THE REASON WHY WE ARE HERE.
If we are a flock of sheep, as someone has said, we are the strangest flock I have ever seen. Every sheep is different than the other, and though for a mysterious and magical reason we succeded to stay together in the last months, anyway!
I DON'T WANT THE FLOCK TO GO ASTRAY!
It is important for me and I think it is important for many of you.
Please think it over!
Let's grit our teeth and let's overcome this bad moment!