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Cuz, LOVE the jokes! So funny that I went & made some chocolate chip cookies just so I could spew them on the screen! lol Bobbie are you a bad influence on me?!?! lol
OK, someone on the thread sent me this one AND the next joke coming. This one's not bad, but the next one is NOT for the youngens!!! See if you can guess who shared them with me, ok?...
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is
dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen
window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may
I know what you mean about living in So. Cal. I lived in San Diego for 9 years and when I would come back to Illinois to visit in the Winter I would freeze to the bone.
Well I just had kind of a nap. I snoozed I guess. I don't think my brain went to sleep though. Feel woozy. K. Gonna go have my smoke. There is no wind so I'll smoke in my usual place. ;)
OMG!!! First, Thank you, Cuz. You kill me! Great Jokes!!! I went outside and my sprinkler valve was malfunctioning, so I had to call hubby at Home Depot and tell him to get a new one while he was there!!! Yes, sorry, but I had to turn the sprinklers on today because it has stopped raining and I have rye grass seed with worm castings that need watering in. Anyway, tried to go for a walk, but it was too cold--I am afraid to say how cold, since I know so many of you really know WHAT COLD IS--but here in So CA--you know, bobbie--if it's less than 60 degrees, we're cold. Sissies, in a way, but it's acclimation. Rossellamex: I knew you meant your Sweet Kitten! I do read the posts and go back as far as I can to catch up! I make a fool of myself so easily, that I try to be prepared amap. OK--well I have a joke, a neighbor sent me. I think it's kind of funny, but maybe not. I do not want to put a damper on the BOAT again, at least not on the same day! Do you want me to tell it?
Miz! the smoking area depends on the wind. Right now the wind is coming from the stern so you would smoke on the foredeck. Wind comes from the foredeck, you smoke on the stern!
Yes, Cuz knows poetic stories and "strong" jokes! Christina, when I was talking about my 12 inch lover, i was not talking about an "italian stallion", I was talking about my cat whose body (without the tail, Bobbie) is 12 inch long. "My cat is my lover" means: I kiss him, because he wants to be kissed two hours every night, but that's all. He is neutralized, by the way. I am sorry if you think I am a maniac! (I am JOKING!!!!) . We had a very beautiful warm sunny day today. It was the first one after 2 or 3 weeks. My mother and I sat on a bench in a garden for 1 hour, our faces toward the sun! It was nice
The son asks his father,Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well son, a woman goes through three phases.In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons: round and firm.In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.Onions? Yes. You see them, and they make you cry.This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard.In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch: flexible, but reliable.After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree.A Christmas tree? Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."
Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...
NO TOILET PAPER A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?" The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
noooooooo.... my mom couldn't tell a joke. she would try to tell a joke and then she would tell you that she was not good at telling jokes and it devolved from there. that, in and of itself, was hilarious. What she did have was lethal comic timing. When I see you in person I'll tell you some of the stunts she pulled and how it put everyone on the rug laughing.
My mom did tell me one joke and I still remember it. I didn't know what it meant when she told me. I had to think on it and I finally got it when I was about 35. I'll tell you guys that joke next Sunday.
I'll fix the boat, just need a 2" gate valve that they have at Home Depot. you know I'm not serious...... There's a home depot here..... I just figured that as long as he was going.....
O M G! I can't let my husband fix your BOAT, bobbie!!! ' I am trying to think of all the people that may have told you this joke, and now I am thinking it was your precious MOM, bobbie. Is this correct? My next guess is Elizabeth, cause she is SO SWEET!!!:))) The answer must be a dichotomy, right?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
OK, someone on the thread sent me this one AND the next joke coming. This one's not bad, but the next one is NOT for the youngens!!! See if you can guess who shared them with me, ok?...
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota.
He said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is
dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen
window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may
have to let her in.
(Small rim shot!) : )
I know what you mean about living in So. Cal. I lived in San Diego for 9 years and when I would come back to Illinois to visit in the Winter I would freeze to the bone.
love,
miz
(I am joking again)
I went outside and my sprinkler valve was malfunctioning, so I had to call hubby at Home Depot and tell him to get a new one while he was there!!! Yes, sorry, but I had to turn the sprinklers on today because it has stopped raining and I have rye grass seed with worm castings that need watering in.
Anyway, tried to go for a walk, but it was too cold--I am afraid to say how cold, since I know so many of you really know WHAT COLD IS--but here in So CA--you know, bobbie--if it's less than 60 degrees, we're cold. Sissies, in a way, but it's acclimation.
Rossellamex: I knew you meant your Sweet Kitten! I do read the posts and go back as far as I can to catch up! I make a fool of myself so easily, that I try to be prepared amap.
OK--well I have a joke, a neighbor sent me. I think it's kind of funny, but maybe not. I do not want to put a damper on the BOAT again, at least not on the same day! Do you want me to tell it?
Wind comes from the foredeck, you smoke on the stern!
lovbob
Christina, when I was talking about my 12 inch lover, i was not talking about an "italian stallion", I was talking about my cat whose body (without the tail, Bobbie) is 12 inch long. "My cat is my lover" means: I kiss him, because he wants to be kissed two hours every night, but that's all. He is neutralized, by the way. I am sorry if you think I am a maniac! (I am JOKING!!!!)
.
We had a very beautiful warm sunny day today. It was the first one after 2 or 3 weeks. My mother and I sat on a bench in a garden for 1 hour, our faces toward the sun! It was nice
she asked, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees so that he
was on her level. he asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit?
a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She blushed. rocking on her heels and her hands on her knees, she leaned forward and said in a tiny voice. . .
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
The son asks his father,Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well son, a woman goes through three phases.In her 20's, a woman's boobs are like melons: round and firm.In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.Onions? Yes. You see them, and they make you cry.This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said,Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there? The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,Well dear, a man goes through three phases also.In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard.In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch: flexible, but reliable.After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree.A Christmas tree? Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration!
love,
miz
Thanks for the laughs. Those were great!!!
Flex
I'm going to lay my bones down for a minute for real this time and I'm checking in later.
love you guys and let's hear it for my Cuz!
Give it up! Ya!!
lovbob
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian
woman for several years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."
Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her
husband read the card,turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!
Request bread...
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea."
"It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing."
"I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral services are pending.
the nipples in the coffee and the oatmeal made me spit the cookie, choke and laugh so hard I scared the Cat.
still rolling here.....
lovbob
cuz, you are one funny so and so!!
lovbob
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room. She said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand. When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?" The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!" He did and the little boy said, "Oh great, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"
I just spit a choc chip cookie all over the screen when I read the last joke he just posted.
Flex, you c'mon down! that would be great! We have room!
lovbob
I say it was Kellybean. Am I right?
I may try coordinate with Peaches to visit you the same weekend. I'll have to keep you posted.
Love ya,
Diane
table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."
Boats and Jokes!
It's my CUZ!!!!!!
lovbob
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the
week his mother noticed him lying down as though he
were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I
think I'm going to have a wife."
NapTime!
back in a few...
lovbob
she would try to tell a joke and then she would tell you that she was not good at telling jokes and it devolved from there. that, in and of itself, was hilarious.
What she did have was lethal comic timing. When I see you in person I'll tell you some of the stunts she pulled and how it put everyone on the rug laughing.
My mom did tell me one joke and I still remember it. I didn't know what it meant when she told me. I had to think on it and I finally got it when I was about 35.
I'll tell you guys that joke next Sunday.
I'll fix the boat, just need a 2" gate valve that they have at Home Depot. you know I'm not serious...... There's a home depot here..... I just figured that as long as he was going.....
Keep guessing!!!
lovbob
I am trying to think of all the people that may have told you this joke, and now I am thinking it was your precious MOM, bobbie.
Is this correct? My next guess is Elizabeth, cause she is SO SWEET!!!:))) The answer must be a dichotomy, right?