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I know...and at what point in this caregiving thing does it say No you are not allowed to have underwear! I mean nuts ville!

It was her choice he come here and had I not been here it would not have been doable....
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J, please no guilt. I think you know that but I'm just saying it again. Don't stress over it. Now if I could only take my own advice. :)

love,
miz
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Thanks, J. I've been feeling ths holiday blues myself lately. And think mom has had another mini-stroke, she's been following me around all day, right behind me no matter where I go, and just looking at me like a lost puppy. Heart-breaking and annoying as h*ll all at once.
And don't get me started on the money thing.....
If i could afford it I would take a job doing anything, hire a sitter, just to get out of the house for a few hours. but the money is so tight I just can't do that. I used to be able to sit mom on the porch and putz around in the garden or do stuff outside. It's gonna be a long winter.
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No not weird, to be expected I think...When it has been a year the day will sort of loom ahead as well...It is hard losing loved ones near holidays..sadness and stress and joy all rolled into one...and wrapping gifts...maybe that is the weird part!

I hope you are doing Ok there...You are in my thoughts...

Hey Linda, I was off till just now, but thank you for the update, sounds like he is OK if not doing great. Hope you are getting some rest when he does...

We have had four inches of new snow and it is powder so not to hard to move. I can do it with a push broom bootie and all...Getting cold again 12 last night...

Moms last day is the 23rd...she is stressed yes, worried, yes...snapping at me well DUH!

I had the AUDACITY to ask for well.. not money. I have been pricing UNDERWEAR on line and found some on sale and am trying to replace bras that are well spent and tops that are staples with my skirts and get some sort of wrap or muu muu as the last two have fallen to pieces from bleach spills from cleaning his piss bottles out etc... Yes I ASKED to use THE CREDIT CARD!!! How dare I ?! Selfish bastard, I know...Anyhow it came to $126.74 and AS we all get a hundred dollar bill from fart pants and I get my $100.00 every month I am well covered to pay her back ( with interest ) in literally 10 days! Didn't matter...You'd have thought I was stealing from her...She snapped why don't you open one of your Christmas presents early ( the cash one)...? Fine with me...It goes back to you on Christmas anyway..This IS what I have chosen to spend my money on...And the free shipping is On Line Only...No I will not feel guilty about this! If I could Get Out and Get a JOB I would have money...If we were paid for the elder care we give her 24/7 365 for 4 years I would have money...as it is niether I DON"T have m0oney but this and as you are so pissy about me Not wearing underwear....I mean she acted like I was taking blood or something...

Oh get over it, you know she doesn't like you, she has admitted she is old and angry...a sure sign it is going to get worse...like the announcement removes all responsibility for her behavior or something...She is upset about money. Nothing is going to change till grandpa kicks off...And there is No sign of that any time soon...

Hmm Happy Holidays.............? What ever...Next?

I hope all is well for everyone else just now. Bobby, Miz, def, rosella, rip, Ted, Austin, sskape, Lilli, and everyone....
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Well we had a much better day of Christmas shopping today. Went to our local mall (not ever all that crowded) and to Wal-Mart. Spent more than I wanted to but the shopping is done. Now I get to wrap, wrap and more wrap and get ready for our trip to St. Louis. It's weird for the kitties. They are now home alone when we leave instead of with Mom and a caregiver. This stuff affects everyone I guess. Still waking up early in the morning. Now that I think about it, it's about the time I woke up at the hospital when Mom had passed. Wow. That's so weird.

love,
miz
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sskape, I think the gym idea and the support group idea are very good. I wish I had done that. I think you will be glad you did.

love,
miz
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Austin, ya there is a support group which meets every other tues. I keep looking at it but haven't gone. It probably would be good to be around people in similar situations, to supplement this group.
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Sskap -see if there is a caregivers support group you can go to in person-it makes such a difference I met a lady there and we became such good friends even after both our husbands died and she moved away-you will be helped and will be able to help others.
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I might join a gym and go twice a week when the CNA comes in. I can get on the eliptical machine and run off some frustration. And if I feel like talking to someone, there are people around. It costs money to join though. Maybe I'll join for a month and see how it goes.
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You are right, sskape. It is very important to be around people and do stuff. It just can be hard at times.
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Since I'm not going to put my mom in a nursing home, I need to work on getting a social life somehow. Not sure how, but it is important to be around people and do something, not sure who or what. That's as far as I can think right now.
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Miz there is nothing wrong with crying I cry at sad movies and book but only cried once when my husband was winding down and I was in the waiting room trying to get some rest because I did not know how long this would all take and I am sure people thought I was cold but there was so much anger with us for so long and even at his service I did not cry there must be something wrong with me crying is very understandable for and you and we all know you did everything possible for her you are a better person than I am-it took about 9 months for me to remember how he treated me at the end that really hurt -he responded to everyone but me that really hurt-I had been there through thick and this even whenhe was beating on me and he makes the decision to block me out at the end-I wish I could cry.
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There are days when I have a pity party because I get so tired of running up and down the stairs trying to get a demented mind to see "reason".......giving baths, taking care of the dog, remembering what she needs from the store, trying to figure out how to get her up off her butt and get a little exercise, making sure she takes her psych drugs.......then I read posts here and most all of you have it a lot tougher than I do.....I'm only beginning in what looks to be a long trip. The nursing home where my mom is called yesterday to tell me they caught her heading out the front door chasing "her dog"..she doesn't have one. She fell so had to be transported to er for xrays...hubby on shift...nothing broken, sent her home so today I get to go and sit with her and see if I can make sense of what she thought she was doing. Her mind is not as far gone as mil....or so I thought...lol. Then last night after watching the Chiefs kick some Rams butt...I'm in a great mood of course...mil says she is or has not eaten because she thinks she is coming to my house to eat...no haven't prepared anything..when hubby works we "graze". So here I am trying to figure out what the heck she is talking about because she insists she spoke with someone who is either coming to house with food or coming there to cook. In the meantime make her go to potty and change depends, no she's going to stand there and stuff her hands down her pants to feel if she's wet, then of course I have to remind her to wash her hands AGAIN! Finally figured it out....kitchen at hospital always brings hot meals to er if anyone wants to eat....he brought her home nice turkey dinner...it was her son she talked to and couldn't remember. He has a whole 3 days off......I'm going to have him go talk with her because he needs to see that I'm not the crazy one and her mind has slipped so much. He doesn't see a lot of her......leaves it to me mostly. When I read your posts you all are a terrific bunch of angels doing what I know is coming for me and taking care of mil.....Ted I KNOW there aren't a lot of guys who would give up their lives to care for their mommas and you can bet you have extended hers by your care. All of you have....I know the quality of life my mil is having is better than nh......as for my mom I justify that with knowing she put herself there when she was completely cognizant of what she was doing.
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miz , dont beat yourself up about if i did this or that , it doesnt do any good ,
she didnt die in a accident like my brother did . his wife was so drunk and deep fry a fish at 3 am ! my brother was sleeping and camper trailer burst in flames , sis in law got out with burns on her arm . my brother almost made it to the door where the firemen found him there all fried up , she can and i hope always wishes she did not fry fish at the stupid wee hours ofthe morning and wishes she was not drunk . i put a spell on her to wishes she did it diffrent ! my bro would still be a live today . that stupid b#tch ! i thought about going up to the hospital and jump on her bed and strangle her till she s blue in the face .
dad keps saying now linda freak accidents do hapens and im sure she wish it never happen .
now my sis in law is a drunk and always will be cuz its eatingher up alive ! she misses her husband (my bro) every wakin moments , quilt for rest of her life !
miz u didnt do anything wrong , 92 yrs and its part of time , god has called her to come home . put a smile on ur face sweetie . love you xoxo
ted ! ure be ok once spring hits . im feeling the same thing , humbugggg , cold outside , snow s comin , cant go play . sucks !
hell with people on the outside , t hey have no idea but one day they will be in ur shoes , and they will know how it feels and one day u can walk by thier house and wave and wave and wave .... xoxoxox
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I hear you, sskape!!
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I know what you mean, Ted, when you say that others act like you ,as caregiver, are getting "free rent". It's ridiculous! If we wrote down all the chores, dr appts, managing finances, grocery shopping, nutrition, and taking total responsibility for another's life and well being, "they" wouldn't be so quick to judge. It really pisses me off!
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Thanks, everyone. I try so hard to keep an upbeat attitude for mom and sometimes it just breaks down. I feel lonely broke and trapped, and overwhelmed all day long. I feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels and getting nothing done. Time is just ticking away while i sit out on the sidelines, wasting a life to watch another life SLoooowly fade away.
It seems that nobody, other than other caregivers, can understand why i'm doing this and they give me the impression that they think I'm getting away with something.
And it really hurts that mom is so far gone that she can't even realize what I'm doing.
I question if i SHOULD be doing this but the alternative, abandoning her to a facility where she doesn't know anyone, won't be in her home with her pets or anything familiar, under the care of strangers.....I just can't do that to her while she is still aware enough to be hurt by these things.

All of you give me hope that I can make some kind of life out of this, but I still feel trapped and alone,
I feel like I'm just sitting here watching my life fade away as well as mom's.
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Hang in there Miz,we need you. It must be so hard to lose someone at this time of year!
love,
ssk
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rip, I'm sorry I haven't responded to your post. Not sleeping well since your mom died. I can definitely relate. I'm so sorry you lost her so young. As my hubby told me yesterday, my mom was 92 and she had a full life. I was blessed.
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Good Morning Friends & Neighbors.

Shopping sucked. Didn't find a darn thing. We're thinking about just giving money or gift cards but it seems like that's the easy way out. We had a nice lunch though. Had a very bad night last night. And crying. Wonder how many tears can be cried by one person. I'm still not sleeping well. So many emotions all mixed together. I have regrets but I think they just have to come with the territory. Had I not taken care of Mom I would have a different sort of regrets. Because I did take care of Mom, I was in a situation where I think any human being would have regrets. I don't know. Hubby says I'm too hard on myself. There are things that I wish I had done differently but I can't change them now. Feel like I might cry again. I'll be back later. Love you, angels.

miz
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we're getting some snow today, just a few inches, so I'll be getting the shovel out. I'm happy to have something to do. Looking forward to shovelling snow, now that's bad!
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Ted don't you dare put yourself down you are very important to all of us we don't have bad people here-you are a little down it is the season you are a great guy-now say that 100 times-you have taken on a lot and manage well. Watch some sappy love story on tv like I do and cry about-you will feel better after that.
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hi j , sorry didnt answer u sooner . took dad to bed and tuck him in real good with pillows and ask him if he was comfty , big bright eye guy says oh yes i am thank you . daughter came home i said hey look , tucked pa in and pillows all around him and hes comfty , she said oh myy gpa mom has u all set up nice and comfty , he grin said yes so she makes sure i dont get out of the bed , i thought in the back of my head youre no dummy pa .
i know he will work very hard to get those pillows outta the way and try to slide out of the bed again ....
i went and laid down on the couch , oh my neck , it pops and cracks and aches . now i feel like crap .
going to sign off and shut this baby down and see if i can circle and circle the spot on the couch and maybe ill get lucky and sleep like a baby , which i highly doubt it , pa s wide awake ... xoxo
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I saw a post from crowe, I think he is OK then...
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I hope so. I didn't have any expectations but that 10 would be better than 09 and I guess it was but it sure is goin out with a bang...
swept some snow here, took Monty out...about 22 degrees out now. too cold for snow i think though there is a ring around the moon...oh well, won't be anything like 2008 when we got four feet of snow that never seemed to melt!

How is your dad doing tonight?
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hi j . sounds good sleeping all day . pa has and i couldnt .
doubt i ll sleep tnite .
oh shoot forgot to give pa his meds grrrr . had to give him 2 zannie at 2 am , he sure was flippin out . fallin off the bed and wanted to go work ! lol
im shakin my head and trying so hard to get comfty on the couch , like a cat would go in circles and circles till its the right spot . umm maybe .
i bet id sleep better on bobbies boat :-)
hang in there soon it'll be 2011 , think its going to be a good year for me . i just know it , i can feel it in my bones ,
oh plz ,,, xoxo
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Slept all day...and I recommend it. Mom was annoyed...Too Bad!

Hope all are well. Wrapped presents just now, took what fun I could from it, her snarking perfectionist attitudes...what ever...

Hope we all have a peaceful week...
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Linda, yes, if it goes on like this, take a good couch. At least, you sleep little but you sleep well!
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rossella ure a sweet heart .
i know our parents thank us every waking moments .
my pa says thank u everything i do for him ,
two am his ass hangin off the edge of bed , i jump top of bed pullin him in , growled at him a bit , he cried said i have to go get ready for work ! get my shoes linda !
well what time u have to be at work dad ? seven am he says , well its 2 am , get more sleep and then it be time to get ready , he was lit satisfied about that ,
morning came and he forgot all about it .
im geting tired of sleeping on the couch , kills my back and i wake up all achin , sucks !
santa i wanna new couch for christmas plz .... xo
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My mother just thanks me when she goes to bed in the night. The rest of the day she complains and she is angry at me, as I don't let her do what she wants. And she will die in the belief that I have taken her away from her relatives,.(Every day she tells me she wants to go home and I tell her "tomorrow")
This is just the cherry on the cake of taking care of a person who has no more her mind intact....
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