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Thanks, Miz. J, she's right LET IT HEAL CORRECTLY or it will stay with you forever.
By the way, Yesterday I recieved a voucher for $1000.00 (yep) worth of respite care from the NC Area Agency on Aging. The Caregiver Resources Specialist I met with a couple of weeks ago is WONDERFUL, and she recognized right away how desparately I need a break to get my mind straightened out without all my Day-to Day pressures and distractions.
i never really saw those visits as a respite thing, to give a break out of the house, But maybe my situation was different. every noe and then, mom declines or takes a dip and the doc puts her on Home Health, a six week, (with possible extensions) period where the Nurses, and therapists and SS workers come in on a regular basis to monitor her and hopefully build her up a bit. I always make sure that I AM there to help and see what is going on and being done, which is why I dont really like it so much- they schedule the visits very loosely and so basically I am tied to the house more than usual because there's something going on every day of the week, some days two visits and they are late, or they cancel and change it to another day etc. It's like the cable people who "schedule" you for "Between 9 and 5, Any Day in the Month of June" or some crap.
Thank you so much, J. Please allow your foot to heal correctly. If that means sitting or laying down and resting it on a pillow or something higher than the rest of your body then please do it as much as you can. I know that is easier said than done. I have had surgery on both feet and while I don't recall the pain you are going through I know how important it is for your foot to heal correctly. My 23 lb. cat stepped on my foot in bed and tore the ligaments one night. I didn't have the shoe on. When I said it hurt, ex-husband thought I was just being a baby. Nope, tore the ligaments and my foot is not the same. J, I'm thinking of you too. And I'm thinking of all of you still going through taking care of loved ones. I feel pretty certain that you will not regret it. I know I sure don't.
When the medicare nurses come in and aides are assigned they are suppose to have a list of things to do-leave the house when they are there and when you come back if things are not done call the case manager who was assigned to you and tell them you want someone else who can do the work-they tried to pull that on me-get as noisey as needed they get good money from medicare which you will see when you get the statements-if you have to go higher do it until someone listens tell them you plan to report them if you do not get good help-they try to make you feel you are getting something you are not entitled to thar is BS
Miz, know we are there with you when you go get your mom and that we are thinking of you and her and hoping you find peace. Give your self all the time you need to love and grieve and heal. Blood may have been from crying hard and breaking capillaries in the nose and face. As long as it has stopped I think you are OK...
I hope everyone is doing oK...Things I think will just go back to aby-nor-mal here...I do not need a cast and can hobble around OK if sorely on crutches...I have a feeling mom is really looking forward to going back to work...mmhmm. She just said she can't seem to get ahead of the dishes...Yes, well they don't wash them selves while you and fart pants watch TV now do they. What ever, you can pay for the boot! I will be happy when I can get back to the basement and away from fart pants. That is all I want now....
I almost forgot, Rossella! ok, I got off the boat and the only 'normal' people I could find to hang out with is a family in a reality show. funny, eh? lovbob
thanks for the warm thoughts! the boat and Cat are warm and safe and I am in a hotel doing some tv work. GP is psychic! I like the work but would rather be on my boat with the Cat.
KelleyBean! wow! so good to see from you! i am so sorry that your mom was diagnosed with C. sux. I can't call out because with all of this modern tech, Splint can't get a signal out of this hotel. let me holler at a caregiver this Sunday or so when I am finished with this shoot. (12-16 hour production days)
Welcome to CL. hey! you like boats?
here's a prayer for the biopsy. Go cyst! I have fibrocystic breasts. Actually, I think that's all I have. other than that I'm flat.
changing our lives to care for our parents is a big one and not easy to handle emotionally. Thank God for this site and I wish it had been around when I started out in 04. Bless Joe (the guy who dreamed this up) for helping all of these people.
Miz! you're doing great and I'm sorry you scared the whoopie out of yourself with the bloody nose! Remember to breathe and give yourself a break. You are probably realizing that you can control how much you allow yourself to sink into grief. You can't let yourself sink too low because of the stress your body experiences. When you feel yourself going down, breathe and think of the boat. The boat will give you a tangible goal to focus on and it will keep you from sinking if you let it. Sound too easy? it is. the survival instinct is also a great tool right now. use it and live! love you very much Miz. love all of you guys and look forward to the times that we will meet.
One more thing. Mom's urn is ready to be picked up. I'll probably do that tomorrow. I'll put it in with Dad's. Not looking forward to it at all but at least she will be here with me.
Hello Everyone. Been back to work for two days. I'm finding myself wanting to be even more kind to people. I guess a really bad loss can make you more sympathetic to others. It has been good for me to be back at work. It's that or wander around the house feeling lost. I'm not ready to face the thank you notes and separating out the memorial checks, etc. Had the worse nose bleed of my life last night. I was crying hard on a pillow on the living room couch. I felt the drips but thought they were tears. I opened my eyes to all of this blood. I was horrified!! Screamed for hubby and he got me a towel. Scared me to death. We trashed the pillow. I take an aspirin a day and that's probably why I bled so much but I don't know what caused it. Fortunately I got no blood on the couch or the carpet. Nose has been okay since then. Maybe is was the cold weather and so much crying. I don't know. As our Captain says, more later.
I have had VNA nurses , HHA's, social worker, volunteer, coming in all week. I have yet to have any help. They sit in the chair and document on their laptop so that they can get paid for the "visit" and they charge medicare for the "visit". I am still doing just as much as before, plus more. We are, in essence, being used by the system. @#$% the system! The nurses, HHA's, and all other people are nice, competent people, but , due to our medicare system, have not really helped me or my Mom at all. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF.
Funny story-newspaper lady calls up mayor to ask for a copy of the towns laws,mayor says call his lawyer about it.Paper lady calls lawyer and asked her about town laws, she says call mayor.Mayor then admitts he doesn't have a clue about town laws and laughs.I stopped them this time,I made them look like the fools they are,they will come back meaner and harder,so I'm going to have to go up the ladder some to make reports. IF nothing positive came of lawsuit,knowing now the importance of paperwork being straight was a hard lesson learned,so cover your butt no matter what because doing the right thing is not enough.
Hmmm....Good news..I don't need an itchy smelly cast...Bad news I have to have a custom ankle boot made $500.00 Basic Health ain't gonna touch it....Oh well...Can't be more then broke and in debt?....But it will heal....Mom back to work tomorrow I think. I can handle things again I think...
Kellybean how are you friend you were here when I was a newbie and venting and pissing and moaning and gave me such support I am a stronger person for going through those caregiving years and mad as hell at my late husband for leaving me in such a finacial mess and for not responding at the end to me but did to others he had to get in more digs before he left then months ago found some of his written rantings that is when I took off my rings. Stay in touch ok? Ted perfection is over rated good enough is good enough Jam hope everything turns out ok for you and am sorry you have to go through this on top of everything else.
Hello, Friends.. just checking in..been a heck of a roller coaster ride hear for the past few months. Mom was diagnosed with cancer on top of her other issues(found this out after they caught an internal bleed) and my brother has been in and out of the hospital too. Never seems to end here..
Bob.. give me a call later.. ill be around all day.. have some home repairs im taking care of.. or trying to :)
Still alive...though not kicking so to speak...Going to Orthopedic Surgeon today, not likely to need but a cast...I hope. and that is winter half wiped out for me. Thank You everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind wishes for my speedy recovery. This has really throw both my life and the observation of it's realities into sharp contrast and relief. Pain in the ass is a good description. I don't know. Nothing to do but deal with it and hope nothing MORE happens. Really can't take it...... Will check in when I can.
cl and crowe, I always thought that maybe I had learned to be too hard-hearted over the years, but I think now it was just that I didn't care. Things were not easy growing up with my mother....she invented a lot of lies to be mad at me and now that I look back on things I think she treated her 5 children just like she was treated growing up. Even in my adult life when I needed something from her, she was never there. But when she needed something guess who she always called for? Yep me the middle child. Now she is in a nh, put herself there and it is close to me and yes I try to see her at least once a week. She always asks for my younger sister, oh yeah the one that brought her back from Michigan when her last husband died and then just dumped her in an apt. and walked away. The same one who rarely goes to see her mother and says she wants the "ashes" when mom dies. Oh puleeeezzzzzz. I take mom to appt. I buy her clothes and I try to figure out a way to bring her to my house for holidays...that's hard due to every entry is upstairs and mom won't get out of her wheelchair...by choice. And then the mil who constantly says her world ended when her daughter passed away in 2008.....excuse me...remember the son you have who is and has been making sure your "golden yrs" aren't too bad? And the fact that I care for her everyday and have to put up with her mouth..........I think I'm having a rather stressful day......thank you for allowing me to bitch.....under a little stress right now......routine boob smash last wk shows a small spot.....98% sure it's only cyst, but having it biopsied tomorrow.
After reading these posts, and as much as I love my mother, I do have a lot of anger at being the one who had to change my life plans to take care of her. It was me or put her in a nursing home which I didn't want to do. If others choose the nursing home option, I think that's fine. They are probably doing the right thing for their situation. So, as someone was saying, we are on a path to becoming the kind of person we feel proud to be, and are choosing to have friends who are the right ones for us, not trying to be someone that someone else wants us to be. Not sure what I'm babbling about, but I'll post it anyway.
clwinegar, you are right and my whole life has been impacted by that abuse which only now in my 50ties am I able to face for as my therapist put it, 'your mom had such a hold on your identity that until she got in the weakened state she is in, you would not have been able to." For the last 4 months, I've been in a flash back time of those blurred years of my childhood and teenage years.
I'm glad that you found healing and you discovered it was not you who had the problem, but your mother and that by God's grace you are able to be more loving toward her than she ever was to you.
Frankly, I'm at the point where yes, I forgive her and realize that she was abused herself and in light of what I've learned about her younger sister, there is a systemic abuse problem on her side of the family, that I'm ready for her to just go on and die. Also, I have some things to put in that coffin the day that her body is buried and I've already planned out in my head what my wife and I are going to do that will be fun for the whole week surrounding her death and burial. Both the bad and good news is that I'm dealing with this, but the best news is how much closer my wife and I are feeling just like when she dealt with her mother issues and that woman is 'mommy dearest' jr.
CL, Welcome! It's always been in the back of my head that, as you said, "treating a parent better than they treated you" is a little, revenge, a little of just the right thing to do, and a whole lot of me being the person I expect of myself, everyone else be d*mned! I have always felt that sometime there is going to come a day when I am going to have to look back on everything I have ever done, despite everything that has been done to me, and either be content with myself or not. that being said, my motto has always been- "Perfection Is Not An Option".
Hi Friends, I kept seeing this topic about venting and dirty toothbrushes--which made me avoid it--but couldn't resist when I saw all your names! Crowe, you wrote on my wall about "past issues"; well, don't you know all this that is happening is just a continuation of that past abuse? My Mother was never kind or loving to us. she favored my oldest sister and youngest brother. I used to call my 2 brothers and me, "the throw-away children", When she married her 4th husband in the early 90's, she called me right before the holidays and said that she "had a new family now and wouldn't be able to come for Christmas anymore". I was already an adult, but it still HURT, and was just more of the same selfish treatment she has always doled out. One of my brothers is dead now from alcohol, and the other one lives "under the radar", if you know what I mean. My sister is well-off, and pretty nice, but shallow and uninvolved. Actually, she is a lot like our Mother, including the guilty conscience, but not the denial M is famous for. I had a lot of therapy throughout my 20s-40s, and now find out that Mother was the one that was mentally ill and I was depressed from trying to make sense of her behavior!!! Well, guess what? I am blessed and free of all of that now! Except, I must be working off some other bad karma! LOL !! I am proud to be who I am, do what I do, have the awareness I do, appreciate and acknowledge others like me--like you, and Jonathan, and Ted, and SS, etc. When the caregivers mentions my Mother's dementia-related behavior, I point out that she was always like that. They looked puzzled and wonder why I seem to love her so much. It's all I ever wanted growing up, to have my Mother love me and get a bit of attention from her. It is one of the ironies of this mysterious life. The caregiver will tell me at the end of the day, "Your Mother just asked about you all day and worried about when you would come home". My bittersweet reaction, in my head is,"Where was this concern 50 years ago, when I needed it?" To have a toxic parent that you choose to treat better than she ever treated you, is a gift of God's Grace. Love you guys, my new friends.:)))
Oh Happy Day! I just got an email from a dear, dear old friend from my High School/Twenties days whom I haven't heard from in 15 years! Missed her terribly. Don't know what happened, we just drifted apart during time but she had always been more of a sister to me ( and a daughter to mom) than the Thieving One ever was.
glad to see from you Crowe. and glad you got to spend some time with the part of the family you like.
Crew! I'm worried about Jen! if anybody knows how to contact her aside from here, tell her we are thinking of her.
Miz! congrats on your first day back at work. You are a strong angel.
Sorry to hear that Angie's dad is not doing so well. thoughts and prayers to her and her family. Tell her that I think of her often and hope she is holding up.
SelfishSiblings, ha, ha, ha, ha, ROFLOL, "No wire hangers" yes and no hitting anyone with them or choking them either. Thanks for the 'mommy dearest' humor. Thanks for the advice and thanks for letting me have my "Joan Crawford" moment and vent about mom's 'helpful' sister.
Ted, you are right about not starting something. I don't recall if I said anything about knowing certain secrets, but what I was trying to say is that in comparison to those secrets a certain relative's other mistakes make them look like a saint.
That side of my family does not make me very happy like the other side does. Neither myself, my wife or the boys feel much connection at all with that crowd with the exception of my uncle's wife who is doing a great job taking care of the estate of my grandmother which includes 4 farms with over 600 acers of farmable land that all three siblings get some money from each year. I'm already the trustee of the deeds related to the 1/3 that my mother inherited. Mom's siblings had three children each. So, one day it will be me with my third, plus 3 from an uncle who had a third and 3 from an aunt who has a third. My grandmother was known to not have much feeling of connection with her grandchildren which I can testify to, but she did have some connection with her children like when she told my mother it was time for her to leave her current husband and come live with her to take care of her. Just lovely, which I think is also a line from some famous movie.
This summer, we visited the side of my family that I've always felt closer to. That feeling is still there and it's like it never left once we all got together. The number of first cousins on that side of my family plus their spouses and children as well as some have grandchildren now total over 200. My wife and boys felt attached and enjoyed being with them once again as well.
Howdy Crowe! How you been? Listen, you know what I'm going through with my dad's estate so I'm probably going to be biased here but I don't think you should mention anything at all to your aunt or mom or anyone else. When the time comes carry out your mom's wishes TO THE LETTER. which means it's all yours to do with as you want. period. (Good china sounds nice when it breaks, or sells)Try not to start anything more than what is already going on and hope they all just fade out of your life.
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J, she's right LET IT HEAL CORRECTLY or it will stay with you forever.
By the way, Yesterday I recieved a voucher for $1000.00 (yep) worth of respite care from the NC Area Agency on Aging. The Caregiver Resources Specialist I met with a couple of weeks ago is WONDERFUL, and she recognized right away how desparately I need a break to get my mind straightened out without all my Day-to Day pressures and distractions.
I'll be honest, I cried when I opened the letter.
every noe and then, mom declines or takes a dip and the doc puts her on Home Health, a six week, (with possible extensions) period where the Nurses, and therapists and SS workers come in on a regular basis to monitor her and hopefully build her up a bit.
I always make sure that I AM there to help and see what is going on and being done, which is why I dont really like it so much- they schedule the visits very loosely and so basically I am tied to the house more than usual because there's something going on every day of the week, some days two visits and they are late, or they cancel and change it to another day etc. It's like the cable people who "schedule" you for "Between 9 and 5, Any Day in the Month of June" or some crap.
love,
miz
Blood may have been from crying hard and breaking capillaries in the nose and face. As long as it has stopped I think you are OK...
I hope everyone is doing oK...Things I think will just go back to aby-nor-mal here...I do not need a cast and can hobble around OK if sorely on crutches...I have a feeling mom is really looking forward to going back to work...mmhmm. She just said she can't seem to get ahead of the dishes...Yes, well they don't wash them selves while you and fart pants watch TV now do they. What ever, you can pay for the boot!
I will be happy when I can get back to the basement and away from fart pants. That is all I want now....
Rossella! ok, I got off the boat and the only 'normal' people I could find to hang out with is a family in a reality show.
funny, eh?
lovbob
thanks for the warm thoughts!
the boat and Cat are warm and safe and I am in a hotel doing some tv work. GP is psychic!
I like the work but would rather be on my boat with the Cat.
KelleyBean! wow! so good to see from you! i am so sorry that your mom was diagnosed with C. sux.
I can't call out because with all of this modern tech, Splint can't get a signal out of this hotel. let me holler at a caregiver this Sunday or so when I am finished with this shoot. (12-16 hour production days)
Welcome to CL. hey! you like boats?
here's a prayer for the biopsy. Go cyst! I have fibrocystic breasts. Actually, I think that's all I have. other than that I'm flat.
changing our lives to care for our parents is a big one and not easy to handle emotionally. Thank God for this site and I wish it had been around when I started out in 04.
Bless Joe (the guy who dreamed this up) for helping all of these people.
Miz! you're doing great and I'm sorry you scared the whoopie out of yourself with the bloody nose!
Remember to breathe and give yourself a break.
You are probably realizing that you can control how much you allow yourself to sink into grief. You can't let yourself sink too low because of the stress your body experiences.
When you feel yourself going down, breathe and think of the boat. The boat will give you a tangible goal to focus on and it will keep you from sinking if you let it.
Sound too easy? it is. the survival instinct is also a great tool right now. use it and live!
love you very much Miz.
love all of you guys and look forward to the times that we will meet.
Tennessee! good for you. well done.
lovbob
love,
miz
Miz, thinking of you!
Deef, hope you're feeling better!
Jen, you're a better person than I am! Feel better soon!
ssk, did you find a kitty?
jam, everything's gonna be ok!
diane where are you?
Hope everybody are having a nice evening & are warm!
@#$% the system!
The nurses, HHA's, and all other people are nice, competent people, but , due to our medicare system, have not really helped me or my Mom at all. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF.
happy holidays to you ! xoxo
Bob.. give me a call later.. ill be around all day.. have some home repairs im taking care of.. or trying to :)
Thank You everyone for their thoughts and prayers and kind wishes for my speedy recovery. This has really throw both my life and the observation of it's realities into sharp contrast and relief. Pain in the ass is a good description.
I don't know. Nothing to do but deal with it and hope nothing MORE happens. Really can't take it......
Will check in when I can.
Not sure what I'm babbling about, but I'll post it anyway.
I'm glad that you found healing and you discovered it was not you who had the problem, but your mother and that by God's grace you are able to be more loving toward her than she ever was to you.
Frankly, I'm at the point where yes, I forgive her and realize that she was abused herself and in light of what I've learned about her younger sister, there is a systemic abuse problem on her side of the family, that I'm ready for her to just go on and die. Also, I have some things to put in that coffin the day that her body is buried and I've already planned out in my head what my wife and I are going to do that will be fun for the whole week surrounding her death and burial. Both the bad and good news is that I'm dealing with this, but the best news is how much closer my wife and I are feeling just like when she dealt with her mother issues and that woman is 'mommy dearest' jr.
Welcome!
It's always been in the back of my head that, as you said, "treating a parent better than they treated you" is a little, revenge, a little of just the right thing to do, and a whole lot of me being the person I expect of myself, everyone else be d*mned!
I have always felt that sometime there is going to come a day when I am going to have to look back on everything I have ever done, despite everything that has been done to me, and either be content with myself or not. that being said, my motto has always been- "Perfection Is Not An Option".
Love you guys, my new friends.:)))
I just got an email from a dear, dear old friend from my High School/Twenties days whom I haven't heard from in 15 years! Missed her terribly. Don't know what happened, we just drifted apart during time but she had always been more of a sister to me ( and a daughter to mom) than the Thieving One ever was.
Soooo glad to hear from her!
Hope EVERYONE has a moment like that today!
Crew! I'm worried about Jen!
if anybody knows how to contact her aside from here, tell her we are thinking of her.
Miz! congrats on your first day back at work. You are a strong angel.
Sorry to hear that Angie's dad is not doing so well. thoughts and prayers to her and her family. Tell her that I think of her often and hope she is holding up.
love you guys and more later.
lovbob
Ted, you are right about not starting something. I don't recall if I said anything about knowing certain secrets, but what I was trying to say is that in comparison to those secrets a certain relative's other mistakes make them look like a saint.
That side of my family does not make me very happy like the other side does. Neither myself, my wife or the boys feel much connection at all with that crowd with the exception of my uncle's wife who is doing a great job taking care of the estate of my grandmother which includes 4 farms with over 600 acers of farmable land that all three siblings get some money from each year. I'm already the trustee of the deeds related to the 1/3 that my mother inherited. Mom's siblings had three children each. So, one day it will be me with my third, plus 3 from an uncle who had a third and 3 from an aunt who has a third. My grandmother was known to not have much feeling of connection with her grandchildren which I can testify to, but she did have some connection with her children like when she told my mother it was time for her to leave her current husband and come live with her to take care of her. Just lovely, which I think is also a line from some famous movie.
This summer, we visited the side of my family that I've always felt closer to. That feeling is still there and it's like it never left once we all got together. The number of first cousins on that side of my family plus their spouses and children as well as some have grandchildren now total over 200. My wife and boys felt attached and enjoyed being with them once again as well.
Listen, you know what I'm going through with my dad's estate so I'm probably going to be biased here but I don't think you should mention anything at all to your aunt or mom or anyone else. When the time comes carry out your mom's wishes TO THE LETTER. which means it's all yours to do with as you want. period. (Good china sounds nice when it breaks, or sells)Try not to start anything more than what is already going on and hope they all just fade out of your life.
Missed ya, how've you been?