Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
My own health is not good. I have now been in the hospital 10 days out of the last 3 weeks. My family that I have doesn't want to take care of her because she is so mean to everyone. What do I do
I'm anticipating a bad experience when I see my Mom tomorrow. She called me tonight wanting to know who was prescribing her meds and what was the new pill she got. She couldn't hear me even though I was screaming into the phone. I tried to tell her I would be there tomorrow to put up her Christmas Tree and we would go over her meds then. She insists she will be in the director's office first thing in the morning to "figure this out". She will not forget this - she remembers what she is "furious" about, but not much else. This is not the first time this week she has been in the director's office first time in the morning with some complaint. She got furious with me last night and hung up on me twice. If she starts on me tomorrow, I'm just going to take the tree back and tell her to call me back when she is ready to have a calm conversation. If she calls back and is angry, I will just hang up. I can't take any more.
I understand what you’re saying. Sounds like my child to adulthood. When you’ve been verbally and/or physically abused by someone your entire life, it is important to care for one’s own health. Your mother belongs in memory care if her abuse is now affecting you physically and emotionally. Enough has been done to you. They will meet her needs. After all, she’s not going to remember the last time she was abusive to you anyway. Disassociate now and don’t take it personally. You let memory Care know they must care for all her needs, including cognitive therapy and that’s all you can do. Visit when it’s convenient for you and when it gets abusive leave and say have a nice day. Unfortunately, the window available to tell mom how angry you are for your childhood trauma, is no longer open. You cannot let that anger and extreme hurt go unchecked and seek therapy. Go back and remember all the acts of kindness that you’ve shown people in need. For example, the older person you helped with grocery bags in the store, the person you gave directions to when they were lost, the kid you saved who almost got hit by a car, or gave money to somebody in the street etc. Your act of kindness remains with them forever because when you’re in need and somebody shows you kindness, you never forget that person. I bet you don’t even realize or have any idea how your simple acts of kindness has remained with many people. You showed them kindness and it wasn’t simple to them.
Dawnie, you don't have to do anything for her. Your family has chosen not to waste their time on her, and you can choose the same thing. Spend your time with your family and friends who value you and treat you well, and focus on your own health. Do you have your mother's POA? If so you need to continue with handling her finances or whatever, but you can do that without spending time with her. If you do not have her POA, you can just walk away from her abuse free and clear.
I'm not an only child, but you'd think I was. I skipped visiting on Thanksgiving. I didn't respond to her "Happy Thanksgiving" message. I'm on the fence as to whether I should have done. Am I throwing a silent tantrum or am I standing my ground, validly. Not sure. I do know that I needed the peace and no requirement to cater to someone whose life-long self-centeredness is on full display now that Dementia has stripped her of all the filters that would make her, at least, think three times before saying the things she does. I say "three times" because her entire life has been filled with, "I shouldn't say this, but...." and it still is. She KNOWS she shouldn't say the things she does, but does it anyway. She's not interested in having a nice visit. She's not interested in what's going on out in the world, what her grandchildren are up to, the things going on in my life, none of that. All she wants is for me to listen to her, once again, talk ish about my father, and how she's such a victim of anything and everything. She's interested in getting my hackles up. She enjoys it like it's entertainment. And I'm not a puppet. Sooo, Thanksgiving went by this year, with me telling myself, "All the years she cooked Thanksgiving..." while also enjoying the day off.
Is she on any medication for depression, anxiety or aggression? If not, it is time to talk to her primary care doctor about this.
Have you talked to the admins of the facility to make sure she is in the appropriate level of care?
I wish you better health in the future. I'm sorry for this distressing situation but as others have pointed out you need to call or visit her in the mornings (because in the afternoons she may be Sundowning hence the abusive treatment), and hang up or leave when she turns sour. There is no benefit to either of you to sit there and absorb the abuse. All it does for her is to keep her circling the drain in her negative thinking so you need to snap her out of it by leaving.
Make sure you are making yourself the priority. Your Mom is in care and you should not have to orbit around her this much. May you receive peace in your heart as you work out your boundaries.
If you’re still having to provide care while she’s in assisted living it may be time for memory care instead. If it’s just that she’s constantly demanding this and that you need to ask yourself if those are wants or actual needs. Needs should be addressed by the facility and wants are sometimes too darn bad.
You say your mother is in ALF. So I am not certain what you mean about "what to do". Your mother is in care. There is nothing that you need to do now, that I can see, but attend to your own health and get well.
What am I missing in your question?
And a postscript here: When you visit mom and she is abusive you need to pick up your purse, wish her a happy day, and let her know you will try to visit again in a few days if she's in a better mood.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
mommabeans
I understand what you’re saying. Sounds like my child to adulthood. When you’ve been verbally and/or physically abused by someone your entire life, it is important to care for one’s own health. Your mother belongs in memory care if her abuse is now affecting you physically and emotionally. Enough has been done to you. They will meet her needs. After all, she’s not going to remember the last time she was abusive to you anyway. Disassociate now and don’t take it personally. You let memory Care know they must care for all her needs, including cognitive therapy and that’s all you can do. Visit when it’s convenient for you and when it gets abusive leave and say have a nice day. Unfortunately, the window available to tell mom how angry you are for your childhood trauma, is no longer open. You cannot let that anger and extreme hurt go unchecked and seek therapy. Go back and remember all the acts of kindness that you’ve shown people in need. For example, the older person you helped with grocery bags in the store, the person you gave directions to when they were lost, the kid you saved who almost got hit by a car, or gave money to somebody in the street etc. Your act of kindness remains with them forever because when you’re in need and somebody shows you kindness, you never forget that person. I bet you don’t even realize or have any idea how your simple acts of kindness has remained with many people. You showed them kindness and it wasn’t simple to them.
Have you talked to the admins of the facility to make sure she is in the appropriate level of care?
I wish you better health in the future. I'm sorry for this distressing situation but as others have pointed out you need to call or visit her in the mornings (because in the afternoons she may be Sundowning hence the abusive treatment), and hang up or leave when she turns sour. There is no benefit to either of you to sit there and absorb the abuse. All it does for her is to keep her circling the drain in her negative thinking so you need to snap her out of it by leaving.
Make sure you are making yourself the priority. Your Mom is in care and you should not have to orbit around her this much. May you receive peace in your heart as you work out your boundaries.
What am I missing in your question?
And a postscript here: When you visit mom and she is abusive you need to pick up your purse, wish her a happy day, and let her know you will try to visit again in a few days if she's in a better mood.