When I met my partner I had an idea of how bad his back could get. My sister is chronically ill, so I know some of what’s up. We met, love at first sight, it’s wonderful. I am still so elated and thankful I found someone who understands me. I am anxious though,he can’t hug me, sex has ground to a halt, for background I have had a lot of abusive situationships that have used my sexuality and caring against me. I am constantly tired because, he just got a catheter. He hasn’t been able to move much for about two months before this due to chronic nerve issues. I feel so bad that I have so much resentment. I’m chronically exhausted, no compliments land, every flirtation from him feels demanding. And our 70 year old roommate leaves messes everywhere, so I caregive for him, clean house (not well at all lately because I’m burnt out. Struggling to get more hours at a job I just got. I’m struggling with figuring out health insurance for myself and I’m tired. I feel so angry and resentful and wistful. I also feel bad that I do, he is a job. I just feel so angry and tired and unsupported all the time. I don’t have many friends and I struggle with making them. I figured a forum would be best. I apologize that this is so blunt, I just needed to be sad and angry before I explode,because I feel soooooo depressed.
I'd call your battered womens shelter and find out what resources are available in your area. You might get some free counseling through them. Just tell them you are trapped taking care of a 50 year old bed bound person and you can't break free of the situation and wanted to find out about resources in your area for housing options for you.
Best of luck to you.
Please do not marry him. Break off the engagement and the relationship and the caregiving. He should be able to afford his own care or apply for county assistance and live independently. He shouldn't be having you do this IF HE LOVES YOU. What he loves is free help and a cute little aid young enough to be his daughter. Blech! 100% dysfunctional. You aren't a lost puppy that follows someone home just because that person petted you or tossed you a treat for the first time ever. You are sorely lacking healthy boundaries, standards, and a clear confident vision for your life.
Call in county social services to discuss with him how he can manage his life by himself as he gets older and more debilitated. This is called planning. Will he be upset and have a drama when you breakup with him? He probably will. But don't let other peoples' reactions and emotions ever manipulate you into making a bad decision. Open your eyes. You deserve way better than a broken down old man cheapskate manipulator who is using you. If you stay and get burned, that's on you. Please see a therapist.
Thankfully he cared enough for me not to marry me and tie me down. It broke my heart at the time. I concentrated on my job and building my future with some fun and travel mixed in.
Eventually those boys my age grew up and I found a good man who shared my vision for a good partnership and marriage. We've been together for 34 years.
You're only young once. Spread your wings, enjoy your freedom, and learn about life, so you'll recognize the right person when he comes along. Please don't tie yourself down in a lopsided relationship that leaves you trapped and resentful.
The “fiancé” prefers you to a middle age visiting angel or care.com aide as you are in fact free. Plus it’s a huge ego boost for him that so,eome his daughter’s potential age would find him hot, which he’s not. So many fish in the sea, including older fish not requiring caregiving.
You have a job. If you can afford shared rent on a shared bedroom, consider it. Alternatively, you could market yourself on care.com as a sleep aide. My mil has been handing over 1400/week to her aide who brings a kid and cooks dinner for all of them with mil’s groceries.
You NOW need to make a plan to get out ASAP, and cut your losses. And you call Adult Protective Services on your way out reporting this man who shouldn't be living by himself and needs to be in a facility. They will come out and do an assessment and if need be take over his care and get him placed in the appropriate facility.
That way you're doing yourself a big favor by leaving this dysfunctional and life sucking relationship, and your patient as well as APS will make sure he's being taken care of one way or another.
And once you're out PLEASE seek some intense therapy so you don't find yourself back into an abusive relationship(yes the one you're in now is mentally abusive)and instead for the first time in your life put yourself first, and give yourself time to heal and to be whole so you can move forward in a more healthy manner and perhaps even find true peace and joy knowing that you don't need a man to make you whole.
You deserve SO much better!!! Please believe that.
And if that means that you move into a women's shelter until you can get your feet back on the ground...so be it. They will help you get the help you so desperately need.
May God bless you and keep you.