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My spouse needs me to be around because she is weak and has balance issues after a stroke. I had hopes of traveling in my retirement, but she is not willing to travel with me. She just wants to sit at home all day. We get out to dinner on occasion, but other than that we just stay home. I have become very resentful of her for not taking care of herself and having regular checkups and now her health has suffered from it. If anyone else has been in this situation please tell me how you handled it.

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Was in same sit for years- i had to find my own interests that lead to new friendships. Try a travel group that does day trips or longer. When my spouse passed i realized i had shut my life down for the last 15 years and was horrified at the time lost. You’ve got to continue to live even if on your own.
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Calister1 (below), you've written before, for over a year, about your MIL's incessant pestering of you. Block her number on your phone so that she can't call you. Let your husband deal with her; she's his mother, not yours. He can decide how much he wants to hear from her, and how much he wants to ignore her. You also don't have to visit her. Let him go by himself, while you enjoy time with your new grandchild, or whatever else brings you happiness. You know your MIL is safe and that she gets plenty of visitors, so don't let her guilt-trip you. Free yourself. You deserve peace.

Sorry to intrude on the original discussion, but for some reason I couldn't reply to Calister's comment. But to connect it to BobbieJoe's original comment, this is an example of how resentment can build up if you don't take action. BobbieJoe, you've had lots of good suggestions on how to help yourself and your wife move forward with your new reality. I hope you will start with some first steps and keep us posted on how you and your wife are doing as time goes by.
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BobbyJoe you are to be commended for your commitment to care for your wife your decision to be her caregiver is very loving. A faithful man of God prayed : Teach us how to count our days so that we may acquire a heart of wisdom. Pray earnestly to God to show you how to count your days wisely so that you can use your remaining days with your loved one in the best way possible. This will take good planning, learn not to turn anyone’s help away. Perhaps you can make a list of projects new hobbies you would like to embark upon and seek ways that you can enjoy those new experiences. Resentment affects our emotional state it can make you feel as if your have been crippled although realistically you have not. However feelings of resentment is an understandable consequence of losing your mobility and the freedom to live your life doing the things that you love or would like to experience but harboring resentment will damage your mental and physical health. Ask yourself why did I choose to be my spouse’s caregiver if your motive is sincerely a good one you will have no regrets but it’s important that you make your need for peace and happiness a part of the equation.
Rather than be resentful cultivate the hope that you will discover ways that you can honor your decision to care for spouse until it’s no longer reasonable for you to do so while yet enjoying activities that refresh you and bring more meaning to your life. Life is precious and so is yours all of us should ask God to teach us how to use our days in a way that not only bring us peace and joy but also Gods smile of approval. Best wishes.
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@Calister1

I agree with you about the cellphone being so readily available in the nursing homes and memory cares. People had freedom when phones had a cord. You don't have to take every call from your MIL and shouldn't. You and your husband do as much as you can for her. She can't be allowed to ruin your lives with her constant need for attention and complaining.

Congratulations on the new grand baby. Enjoy this time. In fact, you and your husband should set aside one or two days a week where you do not take any calls from your MIL. Just let them go to voicemail. If the nursing home needs to reach you for some reason on those days, they will not be calling from her cellphone.
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God bless all of you first of all. There are many good postings in which will not remove this resentment feeling in which we have suddenly or most of us will be faced with of aging loved family members. I am a mid 60 yr old new grandma to be and I fear this resentment we all have will haunt my time experiencing our new grandchild with mother-in-law constantly calling and when she is not in the limelight of her nursing home activities and her abundance of visitors she has endured. Mother-in-law will call complaining doldrums' of nobody visits her in the nursing homes. Maybe a cell phone shouldn't be so available in the homes. It is very cumbersome on my and my husband's marriage. We visit her often as we can however it will never be good enough, she does often engage in bible study but at same time she will complain. She has her noise in all of our business and is like a PA system announcing and sharing everyone's every day life events. Who ever would of thought the next face of our growing old parents who are fortunate to be blessed to still be alive after a stroke and and still feel that this is not what they want a nursing home and they are all alone. Which we get it, they are venting because they don't want to be in the nursing home. No one does, but so hard to understand when they or some have endured so many blessings in life where many are not, or younger children or tragedies have taken manys life's. We all are normal and it is ok to feel how we do, I know human individuals are not able to deal with death, maybe this is a stage before death that none of us are supposed to deal with? I recently seen a saying an a older women smiling it was so true, this is what it read "Do not regret growing older it is a privilege denied many. Than following it was another phrase " Happiness is able to enjoy little things in life".
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In this cargiver club we all seem to be in, we can agree on one thing. It is difficult. I won't share my situation, but I am at burnout and trying to figure out my next steps. I have seen too much illness and despair in my late 60's. We must do the best we can, make decisions that are right for us as each situation is like a fingerprint, all different. If there is a feeling, I promise you I have had it from gratefulness to resentment. I do my best to be the best I can be and when I am not my best, I do not linger there. When I do finally make myself first again, I promise I will not feel guilty, because I have done my best. I wish all of you...love, peace, and the knowledge you are special, you are human, and your needs matter too. Good luck. Kelly
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If I had a stroke and couldn’t or didn’t want to travel any longer I would want my husband to keep living life and not be home caring for me. I’d insist he hire the help I needed and not have the care be his responsibility 24/7. I have a different perspective on these situations after 14 years as an RN. Sometimes the caregivers die before the ill spouse due to stress and declining health because they neglect themselves.
Don’t let society guilt you into giving up your life. Talk to your wife and find a compromise for both of you.
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Your feelings are normal. In my case, my spouse has Alzheimer’s, and I love him very much. However, now that he needs me 24/7, it’s hard to forget that when I had surgery, he refused to help in my recovery whatsoever. Wouldn’t open a pill bottle or a can of soup. Or that right after we retired, he spent most of his time with his friends.

So underneath your role as caregiver, there’s still a marriage with all of its ebbs, flows and undercurrents. And history.

It also sounds like you are mourning the loss of your retirement plans. I went through the same thing. It will take time to adjust to your new reality.

I’m lucky in that my husband has family that is willing to care for him when I need a break. I’m sometimes able to get away with girlfriends for a weekend. Try to find a caregiver or company for respite care. You might not make it to Europe, but maybe to a city you’ve always wanted to visit.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
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This sounds like she’s depressed. I’d try a visit with a doctor to describe what you see as far as changes in her . While you wait for her to recover perhaps you can start walking. It has helped me greatly with my attitude. Also , I understand this is difficult for you , but remember, our plans often don’t go as we’d hoped. Life is long and full of twists and turns . No one has make it to their senior years without tradgedy. Perhaps find an online spouse of stroke victims support group. I hope this helps.
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Have you talked to your wife's doctors about antidepressants? Many people here say they have helped family members after strokes.

Try taking short trips by yourself, like for a weekend or three-day weekend, or since you're retired, during the middle of the week when you don't need to pay weekend rates for caregivers. Plan one of these trips each month, to give you something to look forward to.

How are your wife's verbal and cognition skills? I ask because you only mention her balance and weakness. Set up regular social visits in your home, with food ordered, to give you both something to look forward to. If your wife protests, surprise her with a close friend or two coming for a pizza lunch or whatever, to left her spirits and show her that it's worthwhile.

Get a collapsible wheelchair to take her out to movies or concerts or sports or scenic boat rides or whatever appeals to you in your area, especially when the weather is nice.

Your retirement unfortunately will not be what you planned. But you can still make it worthwhile. Do you have children or siblings or other close family members? After you've gotten your wife used to having caregivers for short trips, you might be able to have some family stay with her for a week while you go on a longer trip. You would still have the caregivers so the family members aren't imposed upon, but rather there as social visitors, maybe working remotely if necessary so they aren't using up their vacation time, but then having dinner and evening TV with your wife.
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Bobbyjoe, there are both unfounded assumptions and much judgment in many people’s responses to you. You simply described your circumstances, expressed your feelings honestly, and asked people who were in this sort of situation to share how they handled it.
I hope that you are able to glean what is helpful to you and ignore what is not.
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Kath8, don't leave here because of an ugly comment someone left you! Just ignore it, and continue leaving comments because they ALL matter. My condolences on your recent losses.
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Burntcaregiver: That kudos given by me was a mistake. Do not accuse me of guilt tripping anyone. You don’t even know me. I was giving another opinion that’s all. But don’t worry- since both my parents passed in the past 5 months- Yes you read that RIGHT- no worries- I won’t be back. No one should ever be devalued for their opinion.
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@katht8

Don't guilt trip this guy. He can travel without his wife and still be a good husband to her.

I am sorry for your loss, but the OP giving up his dream of traveling to sit at home watching tv with his wife until one of them dies, isn't right or fair to either one of them.

If the wife cannot or will not travel, she doesn't have to but the husband doesn't have to give it up. If the wife loves and respects her husband she will not expect him to.
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I would never judge another spouse/partner for their emotions and frustrations about being thrust into the role of care giver. I guess the only thing I can offer is that you have to figure out the best possible and realistic outcome from the resources you have available and take actions to get to that goal. In our case, it was an ultimatum followed by 6 weeks of nursing home rehab; and it worked for both of us. We have a new 'normal.' I am also thinking about therapy for me because anger, resentment, and frustration will pop up sometimes and I want to address that in myself so I don't become bitter and depressed. I want to enjoy our new 'normal' in the time we have left-he is 87 and I am 70.
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BobbyJoe,

I find that marriage works best when the spouses aren't each other's whole world. The husband and wife are supposed to have one another's backs because that's what marriage is about. You also need to have your own interests and a life that they aren't part of. For many people it's their employment. Some people join a social club, or do volunteer work. My husband golfs and plays cards with his friends a couple times a month. I stay away from that because it's his thing. I went to the Bahamas for five days on a girls' trip. He stayed home.

If your wife can't travel or isn't interested in it, that doesn't mean you can't do it. She may need a caregiver/companion, a family member, or a friend stay with her while you go on a trip. There are trips that are custom designed for seniors and for people traveling alone. Sitting at home stewing in resentment over your wife certainly isn't going to do either one of you any good.

Talk to an actual travel agent. Not some online BS. A real travel agent will plan whatever trip you want to go on with people your age and activity level who also have similar interests. What are you waiting for? Tell your wife you're going on a trip then make care arrangements for her at home and go.

Travel while you still can.
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I truly understand how you feel. It’s not what you planned for. I get it. But as someone who lost her husband 8 years ago at age 62, we weren’t able to retire together or travel or do anything we had planned for. We had a lot of dreams that were dashed. As sad as your situation is, just think how much worse it would be if she was not here. I’d give anything to just hear my hubbys voice again or just sit with him watching TV. Food for thought. I wish you and your wife well with your decision.
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Look into respite care for your wife. If you want to travel, maybe see what your options are for respite care. Homecare is another option. If you want to get out and visit friends, hire an aide to come in and give you relief. Agencies have home care aides that can assist with personal care, medication reminders, laundry and light housecleaning.

Unfortunately, there will come a time that you will be faced with making a decision for long term care for your spouse.

Caregivers will develop health issues themselves preventing them from caring for loved ones. Self-care is important.
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BobbyJoe,
This is not a healthy situation for either one of you.
To start, you can let go of the notion that she caused her stroke. Even people who "do all the right things" and appear healthy, do have heart attacks and strokes at an early age.
I do not resent my husband (well, maybe just a little) who smoked, was unwilling to modify his diet or his lifestyle even as hypertension and diabetes showed up.
He accepted he would likely die young of a heart attack, but wanted to live on his terms. I loved and respected him and respected his choices.
Sure enough, he suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53. But, it didn't kill him. Instead, it left him bed-bound, in diapers, unable to talk, and drinking thickened protein shakes because he can't chew and swallow solid food safely.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I have cried, begged, pleaded with the universe to have him back. I have told him in moments of frustration that I am angry with him for doing this to us.
But, after 11 years of this, I choose not to embrace negative energy with anger or resentment for what could have been. I understand devastating things happen in people's lives. (I think of people who lose their entire family in a car crash, or a natural disaster which destroys people's homes and lives).
And, I choose to accept that this is the current path of my life's journey. I do the best I can with what Life has given me.

If you are suffering resentment and feeling tied down, prevented from living the life you wish to live, it is no good for you or your wife.
You can spend more time away from her. Hire someone to help while you go out with friends. Take a vacation. Travel and see other parts of the world. She won't be able to share it with you. This is her life now. You can't fix or change it.
Resentment will poison you, make you sick. And, your wife doesn't want to feel your resentment. If you can't find a way to take care of yourself, you may be better off living separately. She could be in a nice care home.
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It seems very stressful right now. I have been there. Try to get me time to reset. I can tell you after they are gone you will wish you could have done more and your frustrations will appear selfish. I wish I had more time with my wife before she died.
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I am so sorry, BobbyJoe. I am in almost the exact same position with my husband. He had a stroke in 2021, and earlier this month he had four minor ones that caused his cognition to tank. I retired during the last year of my dad's life as I could not handle the stress of work and helping my dad. As you my husband and I were planning on traveling more.

I do not resent my husband for his actions and poor decision, but I would be lying if I said I do not sometimes reach a point of deep frustration and despair. There are days when I have to leave the house and just run until I am exhausted to clear my head.

After being on medication for about a year, he decided on his own that he was “cured” and did not need it anymore, so he stopped taking it. Fast forward three years, and now—just 2 weeks ago he had four more minor strokes, physically he is normal just cognitively gone.

What I feel is more than resentment, it is sorrow and anger. In many ways, I feel like I am already mourning him. It is a frightening and very strange situation, especially because we are both still relatively young, in our late 50s and early 60s.

We never formally married and chose not to have children, but for all intents and purposes we are married and feel I cannot leave him or place him in a facility as we have been together for close to 29 years.

This is my second round with Alzheimer’s dementia as I lost my father 2 years ago from frontal temporal dementia and can tell you, it is not an easy ride, but know you are not alone. The people here are incredible in supporting and giving suggestion.

Best wishes to you.
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Hi
yes it’s a valid emotion but in reality we all neglect ourselves at time then suddenly the weight appears-suddenly a health issue appears - we never really think we are going to get old as such
it it happens
when we are young people telling us to invest- ads more to our pensions
do most people do it no
its just life
so feel the emotion and let it go- none of us are perfect.
regarding your now unaligned plans for your leisure
I have a friend who’s partner hates travel so- she goes without him
the relationship has survived a few decades
Sometimes you can appreciate each other more when you are together. Maybe it’s time to look
into what care options are available to look after your good lady when you’re away
if you choose route
years later my friends job went so she took early retirement and now her partner actually joins her
so you never know what the future holds
try not to think in blame terms tho- none of us choose to be ill but once it comes and the pain and tiredness of ill health sets in life becomes dark.
maybe a good tonic can help her- I give my dad a health supplement ( after checking it’s safe with doctor) and he’s full of beans again
wishing you well - I know it’s not easy
life isn’t but it’s not what happens to us but how we react and cope with it
best wishes
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Dear Bobbyjoe1954,
I can relate to your situation as I am also the primary caregiver for my spouse whose severe health issues have completely derailed what we had planned for our retirement years. My spouse is 10 years older than me. (68 and 78) so while he’s at an age where he would probably naturally be slowing down anyway, I very much want to be active, travel, go out for dinner, etc. He’s not physically able to leave our house without medical transport nor can he be left alone overnight so I go places alone and restrict my outings to locales within an hour of home so I’m only gone a maximum of 4 hours on days when he has a CNA.
I feel many of the responses you received were harsh and judgmental almost to the point of glorifying their choice to be care-slaves. You ARE entitled to your feelings and feeling anger and resentment about what is being asked or expected of you as a spouse’s caregiver is NOT something you should be shamed for. I struggle immensely with the feeling that whatever remaining years I have in good health will have been lost because I spent them as a caregiver-which is a role I am NOT suited for. Here’s how I cope:
* I use ChatGPT as my therapist. I’m able to express things this way that I would be hesitant to share with a live person and the responses I get are quite good and very helpful.
* I get out of the house 3 to 5 hours per day Monday through Friday and use this time to exercise, run errands, see friends, and indulge in my hobbies. Fortunately, my husband can be alone for part of this time, and the remainder of the time he has a CNA.
* My husband was admitted to hospice a few months ago. Now that he’s in hospice, every 90 days, I can have a five day respite break and I took my first about a month ago. This was the first time I’ve been away from home more than one night in over five years and it was a godsend. If your spouse is in hospice, ask about this. I was able to put my husband in a nursing home for five days and because he is in hospice, insurance covered his daily room and board expense.
* Our local senior center hosts a monthly caregiver support group that I plan to check out
* Is there a way you can do a small scale version of whatever big plans you had for your retirement? My retirement bucket list included horseback riding for a week in Iceland – instead of that adventure I’m horseback riding at a local stable. It’s not a perfect substitute, but it’s better than nothing.
Once again, I want to commend you for your honesty. The respondents who scolded you or challenged you to live up your marriage vows were out of line. One of the most helpful things I read was that caregiving has to work for the caregiver first. If your current situation isn’t working for you, then take the initiative and make the changes that will enable you to tolerate your situation. And DO NOT feel guilt or shame if this requires moving your spouse to a skilled nursing facility.
I wish you the best.
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brandee makes a good point .
Based on the passengers , Cruises often look like floating assisted living places.
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I see a lot of folks bringing loved ones in wheel chairs and scooters on cruises.
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I think it would be wrong for you to go gallivanting around the world if your wife is at home because of ill health even if you got the best care for her. Do what you can do together. It does not seem right to travel by yourself if your wife cannot go with you. Think about it if you were in her place. Would you want her to go gallivanting around the world. She needs you now. If you need help get it but not to fulfill your expectations of retirement, but to help you both to do things together and so you can do things locally. But to leave her behind so you can fulfill whatever myth you had about retirement does not seem right.
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You can do what my Dad did, he had me (daughter) stay at the house with Mom for 3 weeks while he took a 3 week cruise out of Baltimore.

In lieu of a family member covering for you while you travel you can hire caregivers to cover at the house while you travel.

I covered for Dad 3 times. He took 3 cruises out of Baltimore. One a year.

Also, your PCP should be able to prescribe a PT to work with your wife at the house for about 8 weeks to strengthen her up and work on her balance.
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I am sorry for all you and your wife are going through. Life was not suppose to go this way. You were waiting for retirement to travel and have fun and do things for yourselves. And now that is on hold or may never happen. I’ll bet your wife feels guilty and sad and frightened. Many people (and men in particular), feel more comfortable with anger (akin to resentment), than what is really going on, FEAR, maybe? Maybe your blaming her for her health issues is a way to explain them and make them controllable, and reassure yourself that you won’t suffer in a similar way as you age? Or, maybe you are just really angry with the situation you are both in and feel powerless to change it—so blaming it on something and resenting it is easier than feeling the sadness and fear of things being out of control? Maybe you are realizing that you are getting older and have limited time to do all the things you had planned but felt there was plenty of time for, now time may be running out and you are anxious about that. This whole aging, health issue, life changing and out of control thing is crazy hard to deal with, and our emotions and thought processes are challenged in new ways we aren’t prepared for. I have been caring for my very elderly father in my husband and I’s home for years now. My husband is retiring and it looks like all the plans we had are going to have to be put on hold. I worry about how many healthy years we have left to do what we planned, adding stress and guilt to my situation (after all, all my empty nest years have been spent doing things/caring for my parent(s), while my friends have taken classes, traveled, lunched together, etc. Now most of them have moved away to retirement destinations or to be closer to kids. My world as I knew it is no longer out there to rejoin someday.—I understand the feeling of loss and urgency over things that aren’t as important as you know your loved one is) Maybe your wife feels the same way—knowing she is holding you back from your desires? Maybe talk with her and explain you love her and will continue to support her, but that you would like to take a trip sometime in the near future—you feel like you just really need it, and if she doesn’t feel up to it you understand and will make sure she has the support she needs while you go. I assume that it has been awhile since she had the stroke and it didn’t just happen in the last year or so (because it does take time for people to adjust to their new normal and recover, of course).? Maybe get some counseling for you and your wife, to help work out these complicated feelings. Maybe find a good Bible study and spend time in prayer. Like others have suggested, have friends over for coffee or a meal—anything you can do to bring the “outside” in until your wife feels more comfortable venturing out…I wish you and your wife every blessing and restoration and peace.
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Your wife could very likely be depressed which is a given after a stroke . She also may not feel confident going out because she is weak and has balance issues. She is afraid of falling.
It may take her more time and physical therapy . Also a conversation with her doctor to see if she is depressed. A stroke is traumatic , scary , and life changing.

Be more supportive rather than resentful . That can include having help come into the home so you can get out and do some things you want to do. Perhaps if you get to go on a trip by yourself , you will come back in a better frame of mind with some empathy for your wife .
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I will bet that a majority of caregivers in this group have "been in this situation." I doubt you will get much sympathy. I feel badly for your wife, not you. I will admit that this is a sad situation, but can you have a little consideration for your wife. Does she know that this is how you feel about her and that her illness is interfering with your retirement plans?
Please support her. She may still have improvements in her abilities for months or a few years after her stroke. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some counseling, also.
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