My spouse needs me to be around because she is weak and has balance issues after a stroke. I had hopes of traveling in my retirement, but she is not willing to travel with me. She just wants to sit at home all day. We get out to dinner on occasion, but other than that we just stay home. I have become very resentful of her for not taking care of herself and having regular checkups and now her health has suffered from it. If anyone else has been in this situation please tell me how you handled it.
Another question, how long ago was your wife's stroke? If it was recent, please note it can take time to recover. Hopefully she is going to physical therapy with your encouragement.
It's rich to see you casting judgement on your poor wife from up on your high horse! Resentful of her health issues when it could easily be YOU in her shoes and then what? Then you'd likely be expecting her to wait on you hand and foot and to be putting her expectations of traveling in retirement on hold, huh?
You "handle" this situation in either of 2 ways. You divorce your wife and leave her alone so you can go traveling to your hearts content or you hire a part time caregiver for your wife so you can get out of the house a bit.
Old age comes with health issues for all of us. Right now, it's your wife's turn. When it's your turn, you can choose to be single and living that lifestyle or be in a loving relationship where you lean on one another in times of need. Your choice.
It is sadly unfortunate for your wife that you feel like you do...
I would recommend hiring CNAs for the times that you would like to go out ...
It might be a nice change for your wife as well.
And just FYI, my late husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48 and the doctors could find no reason that he had it as he was in good health overall. They finally blamed it on the fact that he was at that time a smoker.
So I cared for my husband for 24 1/2 years out of our 26 year marriage. And he too especially as he got older felt more comfortable staying at home and not venturing out other than to the doctors.
But I like you am a goer and a doer, so I made sure that I still was able to meet friends for lunch or supper, go to church, go see my children and grandchildren, and get out when I wanted or needed to. And my husband never tied to stop me or make me feel guilty as he knew how important these things were to me.
And in your case if you're not able to leave your wife by herself then you're going to have to hire aides to come sit with her while you get out and do things that bring you joy.
And if that means hiring aides for her so you can travel, well so be it. Or better yet, hire aides that will travel with you and your wife so she can perhaps even go on some smaller trips.
There's not need for resentment here as this is your wife, the woman you supposedly love and married years ago.
I'm guessing if the tables were turned and it was you that had a stroke that your wife would be standing strong at your side and doing whatever she could to help make your life easier and more enjoyable, and that she wouldn't for one minute feel any kind of resentment.
Just some food for thought.
in the meantime you can take her to an adult day center a few days a week so you can do things locally. Or hire a paid caregiver for some time each week so you can get out.
And try to invite friends over for lunch or dinner, to visit with both of you. You can get pizza, takeout, grocery prepared food, or DoorDash, if cooking is too much nów.
Please support her. She may still have improvements in her abilities for months or a few years after her stroke. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some counseling, also.
It may take her more time and physical therapy . Also a conversation with her doctor to see if she is depressed. A stroke is traumatic , scary , and life changing.
Be more supportive rather than resentful . That can include having help come into the home so you can get out and do some things you want to do. Perhaps if you get to go on a trip by yourself , you will come back in a better frame of mind with some empathy for your wife .
In lieu of a family member covering for you while you travel you can hire caregivers to cover at the house while you travel.
I covered for Dad 3 times. He took 3 cruises out of Baltimore. One a year.
Also, your PCP should be able to prescribe a PT to work with your wife at the house for about 8 weeks to strengthen her up and work on her balance.
Based on the passengers , Cruises often look like floating assisted living places.
I can relate to your situation as I am also the primary caregiver for my spouse whose severe health issues have completely derailed what we had planned for our retirement years. My spouse is 10 years older than me. (68 and 78) so while he’s at an age where he would probably naturally be slowing down anyway, I very much want to be active, travel, go out for dinner, etc. He’s not physically able to leave our house without medical transport nor can he be left alone overnight so I go places alone and restrict my outings to locales within an hour of home so I’m only gone a maximum of 4 hours on days when he has a CNA.
I feel many of the responses you received were harsh and judgmental almost to the point of glorifying their choice to be care-slaves. You ARE entitled to your feelings and feeling anger and resentment about what is being asked or expected of you as a spouse’s caregiver is NOT something you should be shamed for. I struggle immensely with the feeling that whatever remaining years I have in good health will have been lost because I spent them as a caregiver-which is a role I am NOT suited for. Here’s how I cope:
* I use ChatGPT as my therapist. I’m able to express things this way that I would be hesitant to share with a live person and the responses I get are quite good and very helpful.
* I get out of the house 3 to 5 hours per day Monday through Friday and use this time to exercise, run errands, see friends, and indulge in my hobbies. Fortunately, my husband can be alone for part of this time, and the remainder of the time he has a CNA.
* My husband was admitted to hospice a few months ago. Now that he’s in hospice, every 90 days, I can have a five day respite break and I took my first about a month ago. This was the first time I’ve been away from home more than one night in over five years and it was a godsend. If your spouse is in hospice, ask about this. I was able to put my husband in a nursing home for five days and because he is in hospice, insurance covered his daily room and board expense.
* Our local senior center hosts a monthly caregiver support group that I plan to check out
* Is there a way you can do a small scale version of whatever big plans you had for your retirement? My retirement bucket list included horseback riding for a week in Iceland – instead of that adventure I’m horseback riding at a local stable. It’s not a perfect substitute, but it’s better than nothing.
Once again, I want to commend you for your honesty. The respondents who scolded you or challenged you to live up your marriage vows were out of line. One of the most helpful things I read was that caregiving has to work for the caregiver first. If your current situation isn’t working for you, then take the initiative and make the changes that will enable you to tolerate your situation. And DO NOT feel guilt or shame if this requires moving your spouse to a skilled nursing facility.
I wish you the best.
yes it’s a valid emotion but in reality we all neglect ourselves at time then suddenly the weight appears-suddenly a health issue appears - we never really think we are going to get old as such
it it happens
when we are young people telling us to invest- ads more to our pensions
do most people do it no
its just life
so feel the emotion and let it go- none of us are perfect.
regarding your now unaligned plans for your leisure
I have a friend who’s partner hates travel so- she goes without him
the relationship has survived a few decades
Sometimes you can appreciate each other more when you are together. Maybe it’s time to look
into what care options are available to look after your good lady when you’re away
if you choose route
years later my friends job went so she took early retirement and now her partner actually joins her
so you never know what the future holds
try not to think in blame terms tho- none of us choose to be ill but once it comes and the pain and tiredness of ill health sets in life becomes dark.
maybe a good tonic can help her- I give my dad a health supplement ( after checking it’s safe with doctor) and he’s full of beans again
wishing you well - I know it’s not easy
life isn’t but it’s not what happens to us but how we react and cope with it
best wishes
I do not resent my husband for his actions and poor decision, but I would be lying if I said I do not sometimes reach a point of deep frustration and despair. There are days when I have to leave the house and just run until I am exhausted to clear my head.
After being on medication for about a year, he decided on his own that he was “cured” and did not need it anymore, so he stopped taking it. Fast forward three years, and now—just 2 weeks ago he had four more minor strokes, physically he is normal just cognitively gone.
What I feel is more than resentment, it is sorrow and anger. In many ways, I feel like I am already mourning him. It is a frightening and very strange situation, especially because we are both still relatively young, in our late 50s and early 60s.
We never formally married and chose not to have children, but for all intents and purposes we are married and feel I cannot leave him or place him in a facility as we have been together for close to 29 years.
This is my second round with Alzheimer’s dementia as I lost my father 2 years ago from frontal temporal dementia and can tell you, it is not an easy ride, but know you are not alone. The people here are incredible in supporting and giving suggestion.
Best wishes to you.
This is not a healthy situation for either one of you.
To start, you can let go of the notion that she caused her stroke. Even people who "do all the right things" and appear healthy, do have heart attacks and strokes at an early age.
I do not resent my husband (well, maybe just a little) who smoked, was unwilling to modify his diet or his lifestyle even as hypertension and diabetes showed up.
He accepted he would likely die young of a heart attack, but wanted to live on his terms. I loved and respected him and respected his choices.
Sure enough, he suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53. But, it didn't kill him. Instead, it left him bed-bound, in diapers, unable to talk, and drinking thickened protein shakes because he can't chew and swallow solid food safely.
This is not how I envisioned my life. I have cried, begged, pleaded with the universe to have him back. I have told him in moments of frustration that I am angry with him for doing this to us.
But, after 11 years of this, I choose not to embrace negative energy with anger or resentment for what could have been. I understand devastating things happen in people's lives. (I think of people who lose their entire family in a car crash, or a natural disaster which destroys people's homes and lives).
And, I choose to accept that this is the current path of my life's journey. I do the best I can with what Life has given me.
If you are suffering resentment and feeling tied down, prevented from living the life you wish to live, it is no good for you or your wife.
You can spend more time away from her. Hire someone to help while you go out with friends. Take a vacation. Travel and see other parts of the world. She won't be able to share it with you. This is her life now. You can't fix or change it.
Resentment will poison you, make you sick. And, your wife doesn't want to feel your resentment. If you can't find a way to take care of yourself, you may be better off living separately. She could be in a nice care home.
Unfortunately, there will come a time that you will be faced with making a decision for long term care for your spouse.
Caregivers will develop health issues themselves preventing them from caring for loved ones. Self-care is important.
I find that marriage works best when the spouses aren't each other's whole world. The husband and wife are supposed to have one another's backs because that's what marriage is about. You also need to have your own interests and a life that they aren't part of. For many people it's their employment. Some people join a social club, or do volunteer work. My husband golfs and plays cards with his friends a couple times a month. I stay away from that because it's his thing. I went to the Bahamas for five days on a girls' trip. He stayed home.
If your wife can't travel or isn't interested in it, that doesn't mean you can't do it. She may need a caregiver/companion, a family member, or a friend stay with her while you go on a trip. There are trips that are custom designed for seniors and for people traveling alone. Sitting at home stewing in resentment over your wife certainly isn't going to do either one of you any good.
Talk to an actual travel agent. Not some online BS. A real travel agent will plan whatever trip you want to go on with people your age and activity level who also have similar interests. What are you waiting for? Tell your wife you're going on a trip then make care arrangements for her at home and go.
Travel while you still can.
Don't guilt trip this guy. He can travel without his wife and still be a good husband to her.
I am sorry for your loss, but the OP giving up his dream of traveling to sit at home watching tv with his wife until one of them dies, isn't right or fair to either one of them.
If the wife cannot or will not travel, she doesn't have to but the husband doesn't have to give it up. If the wife loves and respects her husband she will not expect him to.
I hope that you are able to glean what is helpful to you and ignore what is not.
Try taking short trips by yourself, like for a weekend or three-day weekend, or since you're retired, during the middle of the week when you don't need to pay weekend rates for caregivers. Plan one of these trips each month, to give you something to look forward to.
How are your wife's verbal and cognition skills? I ask because you only mention her balance and weakness. Set up regular social visits in your home, with food ordered, to give you both something to look forward to. If your wife protests, surprise her with a close friend or two coming for a pizza lunch or whatever, to left her spirits and show her that it's worthwhile.
Get a collapsible wheelchair to take her out to movies or concerts or sports or scenic boat rides or whatever appeals to you in your area, especially when the weather is nice.
Your retirement unfortunately will not be what you planned. But you can still make it worthwhile. Do you have children or siblings or other close family members? After you've gotten your wife used to having caregivers for short trips, you might be able to have some family stay with her for a week while you go on a longer trip. You would still have the caregivers so the family members aren't imposed upon, but rather there as social visitors, maybe working remotely if necessary so they aren't using up their vacation time, but then having dinner and evening TV with your wife.
So underneath your role as caregiver, there’s still a marriage with all of its ebbs, flows and undercurrents. And history.
It also sounds like you are mourning the loss of your retirement plans. I went through the same thing. It will take time to adjust to your new reality.
I’m lucky in that my husband has family that is willing to care for him when I need a break. I’m sometimes able to get away with girlfriends for a weekend. Try to find a caregiver or company for respite care. You might not make it to Europe, but maybe to a city you’ve always wanted to visit.
Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
Don’t let society guilt you into giving up your life. Talk to your wife and find a compromise for both of you.