I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I am sure there is lots of truth in what you are saying and trust me I am very respectful of caregivers.
We could talk about proletariat and bourgeois all day.
The fact is in this city we have doctors, nurses quitting, many people reevaluated their priorities post pandemic. It is hard to find dishwashers for $ 20- 25.00 per hour.
The treatments weren't 10 years ago. The treatments were from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2018. As me and my mom are both aware of, there's no cookie-cutter approach regarding recovery from chemo treatments. A classmate who is a doctor told me back in 2020 that everyone's different regarding chemo recovery. Some of it is her leaning on me way too much, but recovery from the treatments IS a factor. She's been able to get both of her legs off of her bed by herself ONCE in the last FOUR MONTHS.
Based on family history and barring anything unforeseen, she'll be around another 25-30 years.
The country club membership is used for meals and getting a turkey for Thanksgiving every year. It also covers access to the tennis court, pool, and golf course. She'll get dinner from them every week or so and she has me go there and pick it up.
@polarbear
The fear I have isn't living on my own and trying to hold down a job. My fear is her reaction to me telling her everything she needs to hear and what she needs to do. My situation isn't being used as an excuse. It's the reason why my life is in the toilet. Standing up for myself is one of my weaknesses and I always get cold feet.
I do hope someone comes to the rescue. I visited with a friend last month and I told him I'm a prisoner at a concentration camp and I'm waiting to be liberated.
No one is going to shoot you if you walk out the door, are they?
Has the Area Agency on Aging been in to do a needs assessment?
Has mom seen a psychiatrist?
Have you sought therapy for yourself?
That doctor is an idiot if he thinks what your mother is doing is normal.
What's your mother excuse about why she cant move her legs?
Barb is right she needs serious counseling .
Since you know your weakness, and thank you for sharing that, please take action to improve yourself. The first step is to seek therapy to overcome your fear.
You don't need a country club membership to get food delivered or a Thanksgiving turkey. I bet these things would be cheaper if you used a grocery store delivery service.
Care home noted my mother (dementia) was “off”, signs of dehydration, BP low... off to hospital. With info and return instructions. Nobody could reach me as I had a dental appt in a city an hour away.
IV fluids, IV antibiotics, BP back up to normal, time to discharge her. (must have been a slow day, in and out unbelievably quickly) I talked to the hospital, and they were preparing to discharge her (by medical transport) to my house. No! Corrected that. Confirmed the current care home’s info. Then they tried to discharge her to a home I’d used in 2021 for respite. Then they had her driven to another home I’d never even heard of. They denied her entry. Then back to the respite home. The frustrated driver phoned me (the hospital had listed my # as the respite home’s #) and I convinced him to ignore the hospital’s instructions and take her to the right care home, just a few miles away from where he was. Happy ending.
While I lost my mind, she was totally oblivious, totally relaxed. Her concern at the end of it all? She was hungry. Then she just wanted to tell me all about the class she was “currently” teaching as if she was in her 20s.
This is an example of why dementia patients outlive their caregivers.
"Yay" that DH has finally consented to a colonoscopy (only overdue by 10 years).
Whine that middle daughter is still determined to leave for a visit upstate to meet internet "friend" (aka, person convicted and jailed for partner abuse and with scammer written all over his digital profile) later this week.
I have mostly resigned myself to the fact that there isn't a d@mn thing I can do about this. I occasionally find myself in a puddle of tears.
I'm happy to hear that your DH is finally going to the colonoscopy. I'm sorry that your daughter has lost her mind. It's probably temporary.
You're right about there being nothing you can do about it. You didn't do anything wrong.
I may have done much wrong, but I did the best I could at the time.
Trying to move forward and let the family members who are trying to manage this have their head. Above, not getting involved or having an opinion.
Polarbear and Barb are right. No one is coming to rescue you and as much as you deny it, you are afraid to be responsible for yourself and be in control of your own life. You have a weak personality. This does not make you a bad person or incapable of overcoming it.
You're 30 years old and have been living under mommy's thumb since you were born. You choose to keep your life exactly where it is.
sp19690 gave you some good and sound advice. You're letting mommy's money be a pair of golden handcuffs that you willingly stay shackled in. No amount of money ever bought a person back one minute of time.
The possibility of getting mommy's money in the future is not worth the price you're paying for it now.
You're paying with your pride, your dignity, and your self-respect.
For once in your life be a man. Work on making some kind of a life for yourself where you're not living like a sniveling, little (other word for cat starting with a 'p') that mommy keeps on a leash.
I'm not trying to be harsh here. I'm telling this to you for your own good. Get a life. You deserve to.
No matter how much of a reduced lifestyle you have without mommy's money, it's worth it. No matter what jobs you may have to take to pay your bills, it will be better than how you're living now.
As you know I was a homecare worker for a long time. It's not the best job in the world. But I'll tell you one thing. I'd rather clean sh*t all day long then have to eat it. You know what I'm talking about.
Great news that your husband is finally going in for his colonoscopy.
My husband had a weird experience with his colonoscopy. He had four polyps. Three were able to be successfully removed. The doctor said that he is glad that he caught the incident on film because he has never seen this happen before.
The fourth polyp was on his appendix and when the doctor attempted to remove it, the polyp moved inside the interior of the appendix.
Since the polyp cannot remain inside of my husband’s appendix, he is scheduled for surgery this Friday to remove his appendix.
It’s the only way to remove the polyp and our appendix doesn’t serve any significant purpose. He will be a bit sore afterwards but it is a simple procedure to remove the appendix.
I hope your husband’s colonoscopy won’t be as strange as my husband’s colonoscopy was.
Sorry about your daughter’s situation.
One day she may realize that she isn’t making the most sensible choices in her life. Her decisions are out of your hands but do keep the door open for communication.
You say that you may have done some things wrong but you did your best. Of course, you did your very best.
There isn’t a parent in this entire world who hasn’t made mistakes. If any parent says that they haven’t made any mistakes, they are lying.
Barb, as for your DD. All you can do is bring them up best you can. After that it's out of your hands.
My husband and I did the home kit testing as well.
Mine came back showing blood in the results so they scheduled me for a colonoscopy. It was a bleeding polyp which they removed.
Since my husband had only done the home test, our doctor encouraged having a colonoscopy because a home test will not show every issue.
Our doctor likes to have at least one colonoscopy done as a baseline reference.
It’s a good thing that my husband did schedule it, because now he has to remove his appendix to get rid of the polyp that is lodged inside. The home test would not have picked that up.
Plus, we both have a colon cancer history in our families.
I am glad you dh is getting the medical treatment he needs.
Take care of you.
Barb, mom to one, mom to all. And I really feel for you. I don’t know what more you can do when they decide to ignore facts and engage in such risky behaviour. What does she think will happen? She’ll change him and they’ll live happily ever after? I hope it’s nothing worse than a learning experience for her. Strength to you across the miles!
If you notice anything unusual insist on colonoscopy, those test are not totally reliable.
Then again, I am in Canada as well and I think my husband has been waiting for colonoscopy for more than six months.
Somehow I missed that the new internet boyfriend was convicted of partner abuse and jailed for it.
Recommend True Crime Junkie Podcast to DD. She could end up dead as a doornail. Men don't only CONTINUE this, they ESCALATE in it.
I am glad that your SIL is taking on the care of their child; I hope that he is keeping careful diaries of your daughter's choices here. This is some truly faulty thinking, and the worst of it is that she is endangering herself. This is more than "Hey I don't like the new boyfriend". I am so sorry.
In all truth I am glad you are out of it. A Mom who fights these things just throws the kids more into her corner, from which she will come out fighting. But I would tell her you are heartbroken for her child and terrified for her life. Because I can't imagine you would not be.
Again, I am so sorry.
DH's colonoscopy prep is not going well. "I can't possibly drink all that". He is halfway through the gallon after 4 hours.
It will be what it will be. Not doing this again, for sure.
Her dad has a grand plan to house son in law and granddaughter.
AND so when he said the other day "oh, but I'm going on vacation at the end of April" I said "I guess you'll need to hire a nanny or something".
I am not swooping. I am not going to enable my daughter's craziness.
I am learning to say "no, I have an impaired husband to care for".
You can only do what you can do. Please, be sure to look after yourself through all of this. I am sure dh is not the only one who hasn't done the complete prep.
I am glad you are not swooping. It's a mess for sure, but not yours to sort out. Deep breaths. It helps. ((((((hugs))))))