I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Sounds to me like your parents need to be in assisted living if that is an affordable option. Some states Medicaid will pay for it. Or sell their house and use the money from the sale. Do not use your own money .
You should get your job back so you can pay rent or mortgage and move out with your husband to your own previous or a different home .
If your parents can not take care of themselves they need more care than you can provide . You don’t say how bad Moms dementia is , not sure if she would need memory care instead of assisted living . If your Dad can take care of himself and is just lazy , that’s not your problem and you don’t have to be his maid . You can do shopping , drop off food . Have meds and even food delivered , and other things delivered . Online shopping is great . Hire some one to clean . Maybe Dad move to a smaller apartment , mom go into assisted living or memory care . Or they both go to assisted living that also has memory care if mom needs that .
It sounds like placing both of them may be best . When Dad goes in the hospital , tell them you can’t take care of him anymore . Call your local department of aging to help get your mother placed.
You should not give up your life . Take it from someone who made that mistake and still has an anxiety disorder even after my parents are gone .
Llama - I sleep when I can. Sometimes, even often, I will go back to sleep in the morning for a few hrs after several hours awake in the middle of the night Sometimes I have a long nap in the afternoon. So overall usually I get more that 5 hours total - closer to 7. When I read about biphasic sleep it seemed to fit and there can be benefits It may boost cognitive function and memory. Often I have my best hours of the day after a good nap in the afternoon. When I was working and couldn't nap it was awful!!!
DarkAngel - I really agree with what others have written. You can't change anyone but yourself. Your dad makes his own choices. He always had. You are not responsible for his choices - just your own. I know it is hard seeing a loved one make choices that affect their health negatively. And I wonder too why go through surgery if you are not willing to change your lifestyle.
Your life has gone downhill since you moved in with your parents to be everyone's caregiver. I gather it was better when you were working and it was just you and your hub. Maybe it is time to revise your plan and go back to living separately, and having a job outside your home. You can still help your folks get help for themselves. Your local Agency for Aging can give you an idea of what's available for them. With your dad's health problems and your mum with dementia it sounds like placement in a facility would be good for all of you. Caregivers have to look after themselves. Put the oxygen on you first!!!
Dad is now using a walker to go out. It's that or he can't leave the house. His lodge said he has to use it or he can't go, so lo and behold he took to it. Uses a cane in the house, and a walker when he is unsteady. I have to take him to appointments and church etc. He gets rides to and from the lodge and back from church with his friend, afterward, he goes out for lunch. So he is quite mobile. He goes out for meals about every other day.
My complaint is when I take him, I wait at the trunk of the car for him to bring the walker to me and he gets in the car by himself, slowly but OK. When people pick him up or bring him back it's like he is a complete invalid, he waits for them to open and close the door, and they put the walker in the car. So whenever I go anywhere, I get the looks like I am the bad guy not doing everything for him. Trust me, the man can reach down to the bottom of the fridge or freezer and find a jelly we were hiding or a pastry that my wife might be saving for later and scarf it up. He can search out anything new in the house and have to use it before anyone else. When it is something he likes, he will get there fast.
My point of complaint is he tends to use people to his advantage. They drive him, he treats them to lunch or dinner and he gets what he wants, dinner and a ride. Never offers anything to the people who provide him shelter, food, internet, rides, etc.
It is the passive-aggressive things he does that get to me and he knows it. I am burnt out and get no help. I was able to get 3 weeks this summer after hard conversations with my sibling about caring for Dad so we can get one week at the lake.
Does anyone else have these issues or just me? Too many other things he does that make my BP go out of sight.
I now at my offer, take care of my brand new grandchild here at home 2 to 3 days a week since I work from home. My choice and glad to do it because I can. I guess Im a glutton for punishment. He has no interest in the child but for one comment a day, has not even gotten up close to her to see her, just walks by.
I like having the baby here as I can get work done while she naps. My life has become a schedule between my business, him, and the baby. My wife will be home for the summer so that will make things easy, We are happy to help as we waited a long time for this little bundle.
Am I nuts for doing all this? I have a choice with my grandchild, Dad I had no choice and no help.
I hear you!
As for the dirty looks, when it appears to others you're not helping, those are rude people - and I bet you, they have never taken care of their elderly parents (yet!).
I'm not good at it. But one must try to develop a thick skin in life. Try not to be affected by dirty looks, other people...I'd love to have a thick skin. (I wonder if I can order it online somewhere?)
As for the whole situation...Dad lives with you...He takes you for granted.
I hope you can hire caregivers, but so far you haven't and I guess it's because you don't want people in and out of your house. And some caregivers do steal.
Make the right decision for your life. Years from now, what would you wish you had done right now?
.You are not nuts. You sound like most of us, having a normal reaction to the difficulties of dealing with a self centered elderly person.
If you want to babysit your grandchild , do so an enjoy her. Do not for one second think that you should have to give up spending time with the cute little bundle . Your grandchild deserves to have the experience of being loved by her grandparents .
As far as the dirty looks from people . Ignore them. These people have no clue.
If Dad is paying for other peoples meals for driving him . And he’s going out to eat every other day. Then he can give you some money each month towards , food , utilities. Tell him inflation has made it necessary for him to pay for his own meals , his share of utilities , gas that you use taking him out. I also hope he pays for his own clothes , toiletries and incontinent products if he uses them . Free rent is the most he should get . It should not cost you money to have him living with you , if possible . Charge him a flat rate to come out of his social security check to go to you each month .
Maybe you can hire some help for your dad with Dads money to come in for showers etc , whatever you would like to hand off . You may have choices with Dad . Get more help in . Or place him in AL if possible . Some states Medicaid will pay for assisted living . I’m assuming Dad gets a social security check , so if assisted living is not doable , at least use his social security to pay for an aide to come a few days a week for a few hours , and he pays you for food etc like I stated above.
This man has been taking advantage of you for years. He needs to pay his fare share . If he doesn’t like it he can figure out how to go live somewhere else. Tell him to go ask to live with one of his other children if he doesn’t like the conditions in your home . Yes , it’s your home .
If you and your wife think you are OK for the summer ok. But then come Fall when your wife returns to work , hire the aide with Dads money . But still make him pay food , gas, some contribution towards utilities now. If he refuses the aide you don’t take care of him, let the chips fall where they may . Let Dad figure out how to fend for himself. Call your local dept of aging , see if they can help reason with him to accept hired help . If needed if he ends up in the ER you tell them you can’t take care of him anymore and let the social worker figure out where to put him .
And btw , does your father have you as POA? Is his funeral prepaid. He needs to start being responsible and get his affairs in order, or you will be having more problems down the road .
Let's see, in 3 years I cleaned out his house, and my SL and BL's properties when they died. So there was not much I brought here. Basically his living room and bedroom and his tools from his work. I lost about 9 months of productive work for my business running 7 states for a week at a time every month until I moved him in with us then moved my office to the basement so he could have a beautiful living room!
Yes, I am bitter.
Yes, I am going to enjoy my beautiful granddaughter as much as I can.
I watch his money, all he has is SSI. No other assets, and did not own a house when he moved in. He was careless with money as he is now. I learned from watching him with money, I am the opposite. Trying to build assets. Closing in on retirement for me but will still work in my business.
He has 2 life policies I made him buy (my business) and he still pays, so those go to me, not splitting them with the siblings, let's say that is rent for how many years? I am the beneficiary anyway.
No need for help in the house at this time. He has no LTC. The plan will be for him to go to a place out of state where they will take him and his SSI. It will be 3 squares and a cot. We did that with my BL for 10 years.
Trying to figure out how much to add a small extension onto the first floor for a bathroom. We have a 2 piece off the kitchen now and may take $40K to do what I want. Of course to benefit him but I have to pay.
I really don't want my home to be a NH, and My wife is not happy at all as of now, Our home is pretty much her dream home and she is not happy. She grew up in a city row home as a first-generation daughter of immigrants who came here with nothing, so she is very happy with what we have and is not happy but OK as we have helped her family.
Sorry to complain, others have to so much worse than I do. Just needed to vent.
Had the same thing on my side . We took care of both my parents . My Dad was ok , a bit stubborn but appreciative . My mother was terrible . And siblings mostly absent . I think the effects of this caregiver stuff is cumulative . Each one seems harder to deal with .
Cut yourself some slack , go out to a nice dinner with your wife and buy her flowers.
please place him when you or wife have had enough.
PS The bathroom extension could benefit you and your wife down the road . As well as having laundry on the first floor .
You're not crazy for being at the end of your rope. The feelings you're having are totally normal for anyone who lives with a senior brat.
Your father is a senior brat.
I have dealt with many senior brats and the family members caring for them after 25 years as an in-home caregiver.
There's some good news though.
You deal with a senior brat exactly the way you'd deal with a child one. Their behavior will have consequences.
Such consequences as if your father cannot treat you, your wife, and your home with respect he will living elsewhere.
You must also force him to do for himself wherever he's able to.
If he can put his walker in the backseat of the car himself he must.
So the next time you pick him up, don't get out of the car. Don't say anything. Don't engage with him, just stay in the car. At some point he'll get tired of standing there or it starts getting dark outside and he will put his walker in the car and get in himself.
If there are foods like the pastries that your wife does not want him to take, tell her to put her a note on the container with her name and the words 'DO NOT EAT'. If he takes it anyway, go right into his wallet (in front of him) and make him pay for it. If it happens again put a lock on the freezer.
As for the 'dirty looks' others who have absolutely no clue what's going on are giving you... Do what I've done for the last 25 years whenever people gave me the "looks" for not carrying the senior into the restaurant or store on a golden throne like an Egyptian pharoah. Or making them walk around the store with a walker for their own good, instead of pulling them in a rickshaw like so many think a caregiver should.
God gave us all two middle fingers. I use them both. That's how you handle the "dirty looks" from clueless others.
As for that grandbaby of yours, keep taking care of the baby. Your father is the one who's missing out on his great-grandchild and that's on him not you.
I really think you should look into assisted living for him. It's time for him to go.
When is it going to be your time? You want to watch your grandbaby, enjoy your home, and do things with your wife.
It's your time now. You've been a caregiver to an ingrate, senior brat for long enough.
Did your kids have Brat dolls? LOL 😆 My niece was obsessed with her Brat doll!
Burnt,
You could add a line of ‘senior’ Brat dolls to your business! I bet that you would use your mom as an example!
Please don’t get mad at me, moderators! It’s only a joke between Way, Burnt and myself. They both have a sense of humor to know that I mean no harm to anyone.
I thought they were obnoxious looking tramps . 😂. Plus the name brat bothered me. Why would you want your kid to look up to a brat ? Not the best role model . I wasn’t encouraging bad behavior . I thought the whole idea was stupid . She never asked for one anyway . She was a Barbie girl . She loved anything Barbie . One of her Barbie’s was Barbie for President . She had a navy blue suit with a pencil skirt and a shoulder length bob haircut .
I don’t mean BRAT (bananas, rice, apple sauce, toast). 🤦♀️
I mean staying away from anyone who’s a BRAT.
I’m on a BRAT diet.
My girls didn’t have any Brat dolls either but my niece was obsessed with hers! LOL 😆
My girls had the bitty baby, American Girls, Barbies and Madame A dolls. My youngest one took her Barbie dolls in the tub with her. The hair would become a mess and my mom would brush it out to make her pretty again! LOL 😂
My mom sewed fabulous clothes for my Barbie. I also had Skipper. I didn’t want Ken. I thought he was dorky because I was so intrigued by my brother’s GI Joe doll. He was so cool! 😆
I also had, Betsy Wetsy and Chatty Cathy. I had lots of dolls growing up. I loved the disappearing milk bottles!
I have a feeling that Burnt could come up with the best line of senior dolls! LOL 😂
Now, my youngest daughter absolutely hates dolls. She thinks they are creepy. Oh, she hates clowns too! I told her that she was a clown when she was 2 for Mardi Gras! Of course, she doesn’t remember it.
GI Joe was definitely more of a hunk than Ken doll . Lol. Can’t tell my hubby that , his name is Ken , 😂😂😂😂
LOL 😆 GI Joe was my Barbie’s boyfriend!
LOL 😆, I hear you! Lots of people will join you in that diet!!!
Yeah, they were very popular at one time! My niece took her Brat doll everywhere with her.
My absolute favorite was my sock monkey. Loved him! My oldest brother and I got into a fight and he threw it over my neighbor’s fence and their dog tore it up. I was furious with him for a long time for that!
My youngest daughter took her stuffed bunny to college with her! My mom had given it to her as a baby. She still has it!
My oldest had a Humpty Dumpty that is practically in shreds. I sewed Bunny and Humpty back together again several times. They were so well loved.
Humpty and Bunny were like the story, The Velveteen Rabbit. That was one of their favorite books!
Cabbage Patch dolls were ugly! LOL 😆
Remember Ty beanie babies? My kids loved those!
It’s going great. I’m already shedding those pounds.
@Way, Need
The Popples :)
Go for it! You have my full support!!!
True story I think my freshman year of college is when Cabbage patch dolls came out. I worked part time in like an old. 5 and 10c ( five and dime store ) . Remember those . Lol. Or was that just a North East thing ? Idk. Anyway they had gotten a hold of a couple of them . Don’t know how . But they raffled them off to the employees . If your name was picked you could buy it for $20 if you wanted . So my name got picked . They gave me the bald baby infant. So I bought it . The infants were hard to find they were in demand . I don’t want it , I thought it was ugly . My boyfriend ( now husband ) . Saw in the newspaper someone was looking to buy an infant boy cabbage patch doll. The guy was desperate , his daughter wanted it so bad. My DH sold it to him for me for $100 in 1984.
This is why I came here. I am so thankful for the responses and advice. I needed a place where I and others could relate and bounce ideas off each other.
Mom has advanced dementia. 73. Dad is 74. When I was 12 my mother moved my grandmother in to our home who was dying from cancer. We had a hospital bed in the family room. I watched my own mother care for hers. So...I believe that is where I got the idea in my head to do the same..
I am an only child, and was almost like a 3rd small adult growing up. Not a very matrure one mind you.
I am an empath and find it difficult at times to seperate my feelings from others. (Makes all if this way more fun!) 😬
Mom has been unable to get social security since she was seperated from work in 2017. She was born in a different country, and SS and immigration refuse to acknowledge her as a citizen or not here in US. She came here on a Navy ship as a baby and has worked, voted, held a business owned real estate, etc since she was 2.
Dad does not want to go into any kind of assisted living and mom can only get Medicaid..buuut, the house has been in the family a long time and we are trying to avoid them coming for it.
We moved in with a small savings, used it all on vital house repairs and, yes, now this has been a way to save again for our future.
Idk what comes after this. It is hard to see beyond each day. I am really trying to work on myself while here..
I spit my coffee out on the desk laughing when I saw that comment that I should create a line of senior brat dolls. LOL!!!
I too had my Barbie doll dating my brother's GI Joe instead of a Ken. GI Joe was fine ;)
@Way
The senior brats are an occupational hazard in my line of work. When I worked for agencies before going private cases only the last 15 years in the field, it certainly seemed like I was always on duty for some senior brat. Or they'd have me on hospice cases alone in the house with clients who were so bad off they should have been in the hospital.
When I went private duty only I could pick and choose what cases I wanted.
I met some very interesting old people over the years who were cool and never complained about anything. I learned a lot from them too.
That is hysterical! I love it! 😂
Sure, I remember dime stores. Let’s see, we had Morgan and Lindsey, Woolworths, TG&Y, Kress, etc. My mom bought all kinds of stuff in them! Some had lunch counters too!
I guess KMart and Walmart sort of took their place. Same thing happened with the neighborhood mom and pop hardware stores. They bit the dust too.
So far, GI Joe has a lot of compliments from you, Way and I! LOL 😆 I said, Cool!, Way said, “Hunk!” You said, “Fine!” Love it! Too funny!!!
Seriously, Burnt…
I am cracking up right now. I honestly can’t think of anyone else on this site that could design a line of senior brat dolls better than you could! They would be perfectly designed if you did it!!!
May I make one suggestion please? Remember the ‘Dammit’ dolls that people slammed on their desk to release stress? Could you come up with a catchy phrase like the Dammit Dolls had? Oh, Gosh…that might have to be censored! LOL 😆
Thanks for the laughs! Y’all are awesome!
I forgot about those dolls you slam on your desk . Lol. When I worked as a school nurse . The other nurse that worked with me had a BS button in her desk drawer . Lol. For when we had those days where it seemed like only the fakers trying to get out of a big test came down to us . We used to watch the kids and see how they were acting when they thought we weren’t watching them . They were too young to realize you should act sick the whole time you are at the school nurse not just act like you are dying when you walk through the door . Lol The kids would start kidding around with each other , laughing , then could not understand why they got sent back to class . The other nurse would push the button in her drawer if we had a rare moment that we cleaned out and had an empty room, before the next wave .