My "whine moment today." What's yours?

Our local newspaper is doing a lot of caregiving articles lately, which is good, it's an eye opener.... but they are preaching to the choir, not to those readers who might next year face being a caregiver out of the blue. But it's a start.

I wanted so much to reach out an hug the daughter in that article, she was all alone in this battle and her mother not realizing it was guiding her into the wrong direction. And being the good daughter that she was for all those years thought Mom knew best.

What irked me was the Assistant Commonwealth Attorney said "that the daughter was using her mental illness to shirk responsibility — despite her guilty plea — and urged a Judge to send a message to others who care for elderly relatives". I would love to see THAT attorney to spend a couple of weeks caring for an elder who isn't mobile and who had dementia. Bet his tune would change real quick.

That is a scary yet awakening article. Hopefully we all won't end up in the same situation. Yeegads!!! Me thinks I will look into getting more help as well. I've changed sheets on her bed 4 times this week. Maybe a thicker depend? Something...needs...to....give.

Susan, as hard as this all is, you are lucky you can verbalize all this with your mother and get her approval for a NH. You will know she's ready when you simply cannot do it any longer on your own. Since your mother is a large woman, there is no way you will be able to provide any physical assistance for her. Oh, I was wondering, is your mom able to get in and out of the shower on her own? Maybe this is what's scaring her out of showering? Also, I did find on the web, depends for larger adults. All the way up to 4XXL. They're out there is you are willing/able to pay a higher price.

"…shirk responsibility…"??? What an absolute ****. Not a word I use very often, but if the cap fits…

Shirk. My God.

Thanks Jeanette, for the suggestion. Like I said, though, it's not the waist size of the undergarments that's the problem - it's the height from the crotch to the waistband in the back - it's too short. I *did* find one that's a possibility online, and am going to contact the company and see if I can get a couple of samples to see if they will work. They had a video showing the undergarment unfolded and it looked plenty long (I hope!) to reach up above Mom's backside. That's the next step, because the pads just aren't cutting it anymore. It wouldn't be bad if she would change them now and then without being reminded, instead of sitting there marinating in it all night long when I'm not up to remind her.

What is so frightening to me about this article is that it's so easy for us to see the nightmare scenario of Mom refusing to assign POA, refusing anyone in her house, refusing to move to a NH. If you're dealing with a parent whose health issues don't include neurological problems, how do make a parent allow you to get the help you both need.

The non shirking of responsibility is more than likely what caused the mental illness!!

When my mom asks me a 1000 times a day where a damn chair is I am being modest with the number. This is not a big house. Her chair is RIGHT THERE!! Right where? Right there? There? NO, there!! Your standing right next to it!! You mean here? Ohhhh myyyyy gawddddd then, as if on cue, she walks to the couch and tries to sit on a dog, or goes to the other couch where I have a doggy pillow for my oldest pup and sits on him. She sits everywhere but her chair, she even tries to sit in the air. Wait... while she's wandering around looking for a chair she complains her legs hurt and are about to give out. SIT DOWN THEN. Where? There. Here? Yes there. and they wheels on the bus goes round and round.

Marinating? Yup.

I'm looking for the side attaching kind. Too hard taking pants on/off several times a day.

Jeanette the side fastening ones don't seem to be popular in the stores so you may need to order them from a medical supply house. If she is wearing pants over them it may be OK but wearing them alone when able to walk around will let them slip down. Last year when in hosp with acute diarrhea I could not get them tight enough and had to walk around holding them up. Hubby brought me pull ups which worked better. Would Mom wear a skirt? maybe with knee socks for warmth.

Susan and Jeanette, Working 20 yrs in a hospital, I thought I could handle "body fluid". How dumb was I? Pretty dumb. My husband has confounded every attempt to keep everything dry. We are finally at the stage where he is in disposable diaper type pants with disposable pull ups over that and finally underpants with the short legs to keep everything from going to the floor. Night time is layers of washable pads, covered with disposable pads. A very good morning is a morning without washing the linen. I thought he would give me a hard time about the disposables but he really didn't. Try the pull ups and later the pull ups with the pads and so on.

Veronica, you are so right! They are not popular here in this little town...neither are chux. I ended up getting some that said we didn't have to take pants/shoes off. What it didn't say is I needed to read the darn directions and experiment on 2 briefs before I figured out their so called velcro tabbing system!! Wal-Mart did have nice bed liners.... hey, 8 of them for 12 bucks!! NOT!! I went a few isles down to the pet section. Bought 30 pee pee pads for 8. Pee is pee. Don't think mom would care for a skirt, she's a jeans n blouse type lady :) Although, I bought her loads of sweat pants. and flannel type shirts. She likes the warmth....As far as socks, she wears socks with no elastic... if her feet swell those elastic bands are wicked.

Bless your heart katnmouse.... 20 years in a hospital plus taking on the challenge of your husband :) I do agree that a good morning is a dry morning... which reminds me ... I still need to make her bed. Thank you for the suggestions... never knew they had disposable pants now? Nice! No laundry!

jeanette ,
after caring for your dad and now your mom you must be well over the edge . no wonder you cope without a complaint . thats a compliment believe it or not .

I agree capt. Her strength and grace inspire me. Her mother is blessed to have her.

You guys are too kind. I do no more or less than other caregivers. I complain. A lot.

Put up a giant lime green fluorescent sign. "Mom's Chair"! What did I hear? What chair? The one with giant sign that says moms chair. Where? Turn around mom. (shuffle shuffle shuffle) where?

Even though I never thought I could deal with incontinence.... it's a walk in the park compared to "sundowning".

My dad was a strong stubborn man. Oh snap, the stories I could tell about his last 6 months of life :)

Jeanette - I found some socks made by Dr. Scholls at WalMart and Meijer - they are specifically for diabetics and have very loose elastic at the top, no real "grip" at all on the legs. I wear them and use them for Mom in the winter when she goes out, because the cold makes her feet shrink a bit, and her shoes get "sloppy" fitting, which is a huge fall risk for her. They're about $8 or $9 for 2 pair, but worth every penny to me. I have issues with edema in my own legs and if I wear regular socks with elastic, the result is pretty horrible-looking at the end of the day. Don't have that problem with these socks.

Seems like Mom is sure fixated on that chair! I hope something helps soon.

im pretty happy today . insulated my heating stove from the block mass surrounding it and all temps are up -- ash bed , stove surface and the room. i have to work in the cold but id like to be warm when i get home .

I am 62 and weary. Is it selfish or wrong of me to not want to do this (caregiving)? I am stuck---and I mean stuck---in this job. I have grown not to like the job and not to like the person I have become. I see NO happy future whatsoever for me. I need more than respite. I need to have a life.

I am definitely whining. I get so tired of having to deal with my mother's medical bills. Something weird is going on about what her pain MD is doing as far as the chargers of drug testing her.This is now the 2nd time we got a bill from blue cross in South Carolina, a state we don't live in and this time they sent her a check, last time they wanted money, the thing is we have been going to this same md for 2 yrs. and this is the first time he has sent the urine specimens to a lab out of state, the hospital he is affiliated with is a level 1 trauma,research,university hospital, why is he sending a simple urine drug test out of state? Something is going on, now my whole coming Monday is going to be tied up with phone calls to blue cross south Carolina and her actual insurance company that sent paperwork that they have been billed for the same urine test, and the phone calls that will have to be made to the mds; office, I just want to run down the street screaming I am so tired of her paperwork.alright I am done now.

Tex, I get sick of dealing with them as well. I am becoming pretty diligent about requesting a detailed copy of hospital bills especially, ever since I discovered they had charged my Mama's insurance company for 5 days of oxygen at !,100 a pop and I stayed with her the entire time and she NEVER had oxygen one single time. yet they charged for an extra 269 of copays and deductibles...they told me it is standard practice...to me it is medicare fraud and one reason people cannot afford health care. I get so angry over this and wanted to report them, but was told it would cause me more problems than it would solve. I'm still leaning towards reporting it to medicare..anyone else dealing with this...???

Daughter...I understand...I have gone through so many ranges of emotions and I have hit some lows that are so low I feared I would not be able to come out of them. Then I have my moments of being so thankful that i am able to be here. The latter is what I want to be. But I do get so tired...bone weary tired..the kind of tired where I just want to lie down in the middle of wherever I am at the time and start bawling and screaming...but then again I love Mama so much and I want so much to be here for her...I have tried to figure out what makes me the way I am...I think for me what is dawning on me is the extreme highs and lows in her condition...the days where she is smiling and happy and we get to share some precious moments...and then the other days where she is not feeling so great and you can tell she is unhappy...she is running a slight fever, so you're dealing with that....I am trying so hard to make sure she is happy and comfortable and I know it is going to kill me to lose her...or at least it is going to feel that way, but I have definitely decided it is the constant ups adn downs . Today is a huge day of football in our state...Mama and I used to always watch the games together and now it is just me, alone, everyone else is having their football parties...these are things they could come here for...but to them it's not fun to do that...and that is sad...it seems for most folks it is not fun to come here for anything.....it depresses people to come here ...to see her like she is now, remembering how much fun she has always been...but in my heart that is exactly WHY they should want to be here...she has always been so fun and loving and there for everyone and now when it matters most, they are not here...and the anger drifts in..Mama deserves so much more...I guess that is why I am determined to continue trying to hang in there....I am guessing you are worn out emotionally and physically and see no end in sight...that is how it seems isn't it?? But then I don't want to see the end because that will mean she has left...but I also know that is when she will be whole and completely happy again...and so it is a vicious cycle...God bless you...I understand...I wish I knew what to say....today is one of those days where Mama is not feeling too good...after several days of highs we are back to the lows...I think I used to take it personally, like I was doing something wrong...I know I am doing everything I can possibly do...and so I am having to find some kind of peace with it all...I will say a prayer for you...and for all of us...it is a very difficult journey....and this time of year makes it that much harder....

Thanks for the tip Susan! There where a few times when mom's feet had swelled so bad that I thought she would lose her feet!! The deep red ring those elastics left where awful ! Before I put the monitor in her room she would get up at night, get lost and stand there for who knows how long... hours probably. This made her feet swell up...

She's not so much fixated on the chair... she can never EVER find it, or see it, not even with the big green neon sign? Her eyesight is just fine... it's just drives me nuts when she starts this up every single night. Weird how today she's been just fine.. seriously, daylight n dark. Not complaining just noticing. She even ate her entire dinner by herself!!??

Glad you're a "Happy Cappy" there Cap'n! It's been COLD here for days...in the 20's cold :/

Bless those of you deal with all that medical insurance paperwork stuff! Luckily, that is one thing I don't really have a problem with. Her insurance pretty much covers it all and I set every bill of hers up on direct pay. I'd be bonkers trying to deal with her and paperwork.

hope honey, I feel ya on this vicious cycle. I just pray we make it through this a whole person, not a mental blob who doesn't care to speak to people anymore. Yup. I'd be just fine in a shack by the ocean talking to the seagulls and taking my dogs for long walks.

My parents are obsessed with their Medicare statements and supplemental insurance statements. Mom even know what days she should be watching for the statements to arrive. Hope they won't ask me to help out sorting that stuff out.... heck when my Medicare and Supplemental insurance statements come in, I don't even open them, they go into a folder in the filing cabinet. My sig other does the same thing. Funny, both our college majors were in accounting.... guess we seen enough numbers in our life time :)

I knew it couldn't last. My mother's good days wore off, but at least we had some good weeks. Today I tried spending time with her, but couldn't pull it off. She kept saying the same things over and over. That wasn't too bad, but she said "huh?" after everything I said. She said she heard what I said and doesn't know why she keeps saying huh. She's trying, but I can only go for a few minutes at a time. I feel so bad, because after a few minutes I feel like tearing my hair out. Wish I had a bottomless well of patience, instead of a splash puddle.

Jessie....Mama had such a good week and then all of a sudden just turned totally zombielike again...it does not follow a pattern...no time frame, nothing predictable...again, the ups and downs on the old emotional roller coaster are what does me in. I think I can deal with all the rest of it, but the emotional aspect is what is going to be the end of me...it is mind numbing

That dreaded "thunking" sound. You know, the one you hear when someone hits the carpet? Why she has such a hard time sitting is just BEYOND me. I can sit her in her chair and she's up shuffling around in 2 minutes. This is fall #2 this week. Thankfully she hasn't broken anything. I would love to put some double sided velcro tape on her. One for the bottom of the chair and one for her butt!!

It's so pretty out... I am not going to sit in this house all day. Gonna take my chances and go for a long ride, hopefully stopping somewhere and having a nice late lunch/early dinner. Gotta get her home before the sun sets :O yeegads!

If your loved one is acting differently about 3:00 every day, consider having them eat a light snack about 2:30. Low blood sugar can make some people downright mean, and it actually changes their personality until they get something to eat. (from experience).

its just snowing like a sob here . ill still cut wood tomorrow but im feeling too good to mess it up by drinking booze . cutting wood in the snow with no booze -- just as i thought , that even looks punitive in print . gaaaah

Thanks gooddaughter... food does not help mom with sun downing. She barely made it through Olive Garden. Her leg was shaking and she just wanted to get home. The servers were so nice.... they joked with her and made her smile which made it easier to stay. Hate all those stares though... is it people have to realize that they'll soon be old? So mom shuffles....she's a bit lost... she does not act out (yet). sigh....75 % just look... 25 % smile and are helpful and courteous. Oregon is known for it's care of their elderly.

Snowing? Willamette Valley usually does not get snow. Last year in February we got 18 inches. Global warming anyone?

h*ll my generation around here are already dead. and im cutting wood in the snow tomorrow . looks like im the sucker here ..

Well, I will start my whining early. It's only 8am cst where I am at and in 1 hour I will have to start making phone calls to insurance company's,some lab in NC,and probably the accounting dept. at the hospital where my mom's pain MD is located and probably to his office manager.Background, my mother has been going to this pain management MD at the hospital I retired from, a level1 research facility hospital.She has been going to him since probably Dec.2012.He is the one that prescribes her morphine and he has been great, right now her pain is under control and she has a good quality of life level all things considered. He has always done at least 2 urine drug screens on her ,usually 6 months apart, they were more frequent when she was a new patient. I totally understand why he does this, probably a combination of hospital policy and experience of family members stealing and selling the drugs or taking the drugs themselves.However, at the beginning of this year for the first time we got a bill from an insurance company in SC for the urine drug screen which was done in a lab in NC(already I am concerned) the bill was over $1000 but they sent 2 checks to her for around a total of maybe 1300,we are ahead right? Something is wrong. I let mother handle it which was my first mistake, at the time I still didn't want to get involved anymore with her paperwork than I had to and now I am paying the price.See we never got a statement like we usually did from her actual insurance company who paid 100
% of the urine test and they only stated a total cost of a little over $200.,this is what happened in Feb. this year. So he does another urine test this Oct. and we get the usual paperwork from her insurance and we think okay everything is alright,WRONG. A few days later we again get paper work and a check from this company in SC, now the check is only for about $150 but the pending bill is over $1000.00,also the lab is still at an address in NC.So now it looks like 2 insurance companies have been bill for this urine. What is going on? Why is the lab sample being sent to a lab in NC, we are getting a bill from an insurance company in SC, and why would the MD be sending this sample to a lab in NC when there is state of the art lab equipment where his office is located? Does anyone else get the feeling something is wrong or am I just being paranoid? Would appreciate any and all comments/advice/criticism ,really I would . I dread dealing with this. I plan to make the first phone call to her own insurance company, I am afraid to accuse someone of fraud but I have a lot of suspicion. I don't want her MD dropping her because I am asking to many questions but I see it now as I have no choice because why all of a sudden is this happening, why are the samples getting sent out of state according to the paperwork? Anyone have experience with this kind of situation? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

medicine is changing at a headspinning pace . hospice told us to delay paying medical bills as long as you can so the insurers / providers / medicare can juggle it back and forth a bit . im not good with the flurry of billing paperwork either , even worse at phone games .
we have a chill factor here today of 7 degrees . im not even leaving the bunker without one heck of a good reason .

Good grief. I got a call today on my mother's phone. Some bottom feeder on the other end said, "I'm sending out your new glucose meter..." All I said was "Oh, no, you're not. I'm not even diabetic." How do these scumbags live with themselves? If I had been someone more confused I might have been fooled. With all the government does to "protect" us, shouldn't someone put an end to these predatory companies that pick the bones of seniors and Medicare? I get so tired of it. Almost anytime I pick up my mother's phone, it's a predator on the other end. This time the predator asked for me.

This is not so much a whine but kind of a statement of typical behavior that I should be used to by now but sometimes.... One, is the extremes--the extremes of "too hot, too cold, too sweet, too salty, not salty enough, too light, too dark". That kind of thing. Then it's the body complaints that's really a circle of complaints that just pop up over and over even though we have been to the doctor over and over and have treated and addressed them. And it's always (after I might say something like it's the first time I've heard that one) "well, I've 'always' had that". The sundowner's is lovely when I get asked every night whether we are going to spend the night at this house (even though it's her house of 15 years). Or she wonders if we will stay the winter here. Another is the loud--very loud---talking in the sleep that awakens me sometimes talking to family long gone to get in bed with her to escape the fire on the floor. Stuff like that over and over and over...