I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
Yes my nephew is her son and a target as well , but differently . She hits him more with whatever her gripe for the day is . For example , when she was in rehab and they skipped her shower cause they were short staffed . How she hated rehab , wanted to go home . She tells him she’s too young to be there and can take of herself at home etc . She was living with him. Just the two of them ( both divorced many years).
But sis can not be home alone when he goes to work . He was trying to work from home , it wasn’t working out as she got worse . Also his bosses were getting annoyed , they wanted him back in the office . My nephew wasn’t sleeping well . And in general he said he couldn’t handle her bad days anymore .
Sis has it in her head that I must be behind nephew not bringing her home . I guess because I placed 3 people in long term care . That’s why she says I just want to put all old people away . I think she believes that she could persuade her son to take her home , but that I tell him not to .
It is what it is . I was more worried about my nephew , he was telling me that it was effecting him physically and mentally . He’s the one dealing with her daily gripes , not me . I feel bad for him . Right now she has him running to the store all the time . I told him to do one shopping a week for whatever she wants .I told him she’s doing that to make him come everyday . I can’t do anything for her from far away .
DH and I have mother in law ( divorced ) up at bat now . We are desperately trying to get her to go to AL for multiple reasons . We don’t live close by either . Makes it harder to make it happen . I guess my sister sees me as “ the placer “. I just keep placing relatives . To be fair, I took care of my parents for a very long time until it was absolutely necessary to place them.
Thanks guys. Coming here helps me deal with what I can’t fix , by trying to help someone else.
Yes , my nephew has thanked me many times for be supportive from a distance . He has been doing a great job . And yes. he is alone in handling this.
In the usual fashion, my other 3 siblings have gone silent . No supportive words for my nephew. They did the same over my parents for 10 years , until I placed each of them , then all of a sudden they wanted to be “ kept in the loop”.
I rarely asked one sister who lives close by to take one of my parents to one of their many doctor visits , when I couldn’t do it . She would do it , but wasn’t happy about it .
I wasn’t upset that no one offered to help , 3 didn’t live close by anyway .
But I didn’t get any supportive words either . In fact one sibling told me she was glad I got stuck taking care of Mom and Dad .
Another example : I was told I was “ wasting Mom’s money in AL because it’s just a very expensive hotel room with meals “. And this “ Can’t you just move in with Mom at her house ?” Apparently I was supposed to leave my marriage and my job for an undetermined amount of time because Mom wasn’t safe alone at home anymore . Mom also refused any ( hired caregivers ) strangers to come in the house .
It is what it is . I know I did the best that I could do . Nothing is perfect . I can’t help what they thought . Caregiving often highlights exactly who people are in families .
I wasn’t the better person . I was the weak one and was groomed to be a servant . My sister told me , “ You were the soft one and Mom knew it “. My mother started telling me at a young age that I was to take care of her in her old age . Mom was an abusive narcissist as well her whole life , which explains why the siblings were mostly uninterested in what was going on , until each parent needed to be placed in long term care. Then all of a sudden they wanted a say. 3 of them always talk down to me , like they are superior . They learned that from Mom . I have very little to no contact with them . The only one I spend time with is the one that now has Lewy Body . She’s the one that told me Mom knew I was the soft one .
My sister was most concerned about the money. I quit telling her anything when that came out. She acted "superior" to me too. Going no contact was the right thing for me.
I'm so sorry the one sister you could relate to has dementia - that's another loss I am sure you are grieving as her perception of you is coloured by her disease. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair, does it?
Thanks .
You are correct , siblings come out of the woodwork once they find out parent’s money is being spent on long term care .
Some thought I should quit my job and forfeit my income to save inheritance for them . Like my mother , they believed caregiving was my station in life .
I keep shoving it away but the dread is real.
nacy - those things can leave a strong impression. Even at 12 you saw the sense in placement and the futility of anger over it.
Mother disinherited me once while I was her caregiver. That was my sister's plan according to my nephew. Whatever! I had already decided to look after her interests regardless of the state of any inheritance. Eventually she changed it back to what it had been - split between my sister and me. Again, whatever! Not that I am not thankful for some extra money, but it stays where it is and will be given to the kids when I go.
My whine is about the self appointed nazi's here.
A month or so ago my neighbour came up to me and said in a very snarky tone and with a frown on her face, "I hope you are behaving yourself!"
Like what???
I answered, "Of course, I always do."
Is she the behaviour nazi?
Next time I saw her she moved in for a "air kiss" and a hug from me and from R.
Like what???
He backed right away.
I noticed she had some cases of Mud Shakes on her balcony and I am wondering if she has a "problem". Her moods are up and down.
Today I was at the front door of the building with a grocery cart as Door Dash had texted me that they had arrived. A lady came over from the other side of the lobby looking displeased and mentioned something to me about me not leaving the cart lying around. I told her I don't. I return it when I am finished with it. She frowned.
Like what???
I guess she is the self appointed cart nazi.
A couple of weeks ago during a conversation with her and another lady, the 2016 evacuation came up. They both said, " Oh, it affected us all," and shook their heads and looked very put upon. They knew I was in it. I didn't say a thing. They were 500 miles from the fire and weren't the ones aged 72 driving out of town with no idea if their kids and grandkids were going to be OK, no idea where the fire was going and if they would have a safe place never mind a bed, food and drink etc. that night.
R has had issues with the key fob nazi, who is too interested in R's vehicle's but won't help him get another fob, which he needs as he has switched our above ground stall for the parkade stall of a friend whose truck is too big for the parkade. "Sure, I'll send you the information", then doesn't. The friend is away a lot and R hasn't been able to get ahold of him to get the fob and didn't think of it at the beginning.
There are pros and cons to condos. Those are some of the cons.
Rant over! 😊
PamZ - I looked it up and mud shakes are Vodka based drinks. R said he has seen her son on the balcony with drinks so that may be it Or it may be her too.
cw - never had a mud shake or a mud slide. I think my neighbour is a little "different" personality wise and doesn't have great social skills. Neither does the cart nazi for that matter. R said he met the neighbour today and she was going on about how nice it was to have met me??? She blows hot and cold.
Oh well. 🙄
It’s not just condos . I have a large backyard , my neighbor behind is not happy that I got rid of a long row of huge ornamental grass recently . It was costing a fortune to have it cut down each Fall and hauled away . So this time got it taken out for good . We call him the mayor. He’s out walking the neighborhood critiquing all day long . He should go back to work . He’s bored .
I don’t have an HOA or board or any rules to follow .
The guy that lives behind me is a self appointed mayor.
way. I'm sure it's not just condos though I lived in my Ft Mc house for over 40 years without interference. I agree your neighbour needs something else to do. What you grow on your lot is your business, not his.
Psue - I don't know if it is that way with all condos etc. Seems more likely than with individual houses. You live more on top of one another.
My whine today - bought and ate some of a dessert that was supposed to be gluten and dairy free, and had a reaction so didn't sleep well. Last night I took a decongestant and was up till 2 am. That'll teach me!!! R now has to finish up the dessert. He doesn't mind at all.
They have small flat Christmas trees you can hang on a wall . Take something else off the wall temporarily . I ordered one for my sister ( Amazon ) , her room in AL is small .
Psue downsizing has pros and cons. For me mainly pros. I am sure you will figure something out but it may be different from what you are used to.
Way - what a great idea! I looked up on Amazon and there are flat ones and flat back ones.
Way, there definitely are Christmas tree options out there, I should not have waited so long to figure out what will work. Luckily, GD’s opinion is all that really matters and she has a great big tree at home and a mom and dad that are really good at filling Christmas with fun experiences. My house is just an accessory!
Psue - you moved for different reasons than I did and other things have happened in the meanwhile (hubbie's health). I sure hope it all works out for you.
My whine this morning - in my brain fogged state with a slip of the finger I deleted all my inbox. Cwillie - have a good laugh on that one. I have rectified my error pretty well. I restored most of my delete folder and then went back and re-deleted lots. Don't think I have lost anything important. I usually move that stuff to folders. Not a day for me to be doing much that matters.
However the silver lining was that there was lots of chat and I got an invite from my neighbour to have a coffee and a good chat with her sometime.
And I figured out that in the case of a fire I would have to leave the cat behind. She will not be picked up and if there really was a fire I couldn't take the time to chase her and try to grab her and get her into her basket. it took me weeks to train her with treats to go into it to get her down here. I guess I should do that again and keep it up.
nacy thx - I think my brain fog today is an aftermath of the allergy hit. it takes a few days to get it all out of my system.
I checked Balsam Hill for their flat trees and they were all sold out. That’s probably good - they are stupid-expensive. Really nice though. I think I’ll just make do with my little Target skinny mini this year and try to be a little more proactive next year.
I do love the cozy quirkiness of this odd little house. I just feel a little boxed in sometimes and it’s strange to see nothing but trees out the windows when I’ve been looking at miles of sky and snow-capped mountains for 25 years. This is just a more ‘contained’ kind of beauty.
I can see where the change of scenery would be hard. For me I must see trees. but not necessarily be cocooned by them Here we get some farm land and some trees which is very prairie and I like it.
You mentioned once on some thread that you couldn't handle the cold we get here. It's all what you are used to I think, In Fort Mc we got down to minus 40 occasionally. That was COLD by anyone's standards. What we have here is milder though it was minus 28C (-18F) here the other day which is bad for this time of year. As long as you dress for it, it's ok.
We had students at the college from parts of Africa and they adapted, though the first cold weather must have been a shock for them.
My neighbour lady who invited me to coffee is 85 and she line dances every week as well as volunteering at a thrift shop 2x a week. Her mother is 104 and still has all her marbles. Go girl!!!
However we are the sunniest province in Canada with over 312 days of sunshine per year. Other provinces have more cloud. That makes a difference.
Farm land view was what I was looking for here, rolling hills, wheat fields. These are the views of my childhood. We looked at 2 houses that fit the bill but one was in an area that regularly floods and the other was half indoor swimming pool! So, here we are and I am learning to love fungi and tolerate blackberry brambles and smooth geranium. I have no idea how one dresses for -18F! Brutal! But 312 days of sunshine is wonderful!
I see a great new friend in your future - and maybe some line dancing!
nacy - good to keep warm.. I noticed you are getting more anxious about your mother. Please don't let it build - it's not helping her and it hurts you. You have set your boundaries, which is great, Do what you can and let the rest go. She is declining, like all of us. It's inevitable. No one can stop it. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving after the Thanksgiving. Sounds like you have about the same day lengths as us. Makes the winters a bit dark for a while.
way ((((hugs)))) this is so hard. How are you going to handle it if she makes frequent calls? You have been through this more than once before. It must be triggering some pretty uncomfortable feelings and memories. And mil's situation is not getting better. I am so sorry. Please look after yourself, plan some things just for you, Take mental breaks from it all.
Today an anti-whine, I dropped in at the local drs office I want to go to as they said they will be getting a new doctors and guess what? They have a new doctor and I was told to come in next week and talk to her. Yay!!! Prayers for this to work out would be appreciated. That office is 5-10 minutes drive away!