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I'm so sorry to hear this, TooMuch - caregiving and working from home doesn't always work. I hope you're able to find something else soon.
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toomuch4me, that is a bummer... hope you find new employment real soon. Sometimes whatever is being taken away, something even better appears :)

For me, my position was eliminated from the company where I worked outside of the home.... I had been taking time off to run both my parents to doctors, physical therapy, anything that required a 9 to 5 appointment, plus my own appointments. I had used up all my vacation days, all my sick days, then was taking days off without pay. Thus, my work was being divvied out to other employees, and lo and behold, headquarters decided my job wasn't needed any more :(

If only I had a crystal ball to see into the future, I would have told my parents *no* more often when they asked to be driven somewhere.
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FreqFlyer. Thats how I feel. I should have put my foot down more often. But you know I can hold my head up high and say I did my best. I still had alot of vacation days left as well as sick days left. I did not take alot of days off. But I did not focus the way I should have. Thank you for your supportive words.
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I'm self employed and got a call from Mom just as I was getting rolling with my income generating phone calls. Had to stop everything, drive to Mom, make her lunch, take her to the doctor. She said she was weak, eyes unfocused, and a little bit disoriented. Got there and she was her usual over controlling person with ultra annoying habits, criticizing and redoing whatever I tried to do for her. She wanted to talk: if I said, Yes, I know, she stops and says, "What do you mean you know. Why don't you let me finish." UGH. So I sat and said nothing. Then she says, "Are you listening?"
Then finally the doctor: Mom doesn't want me in there with him. Doctor calls me in after a half hour. His assesment: He didn't take a blood test because they did all the blood tests a week ago. No she doesn't really have low blood sugar. "Eat all the candy and sweets you want." he told her. My mouth is hanging open. This is a doctor? I asked, "Does Mom have a dropped uterus or a dropped bladder?" He didn't know. I asked him, "Does the dropped whatever have these effects that she is complaining about." He says, "It has nothing to do with her complaints."
I am thinking: Right, parts of your body have nothing to do with the whole body.
We leave and Mom says, "oh I like him, I feel so much better."

Snap shot of "healthcare" in America. I understand why Michael Moore called his documentary, "Sicko".
So I guess my mother's doctor wants to see my mother eat sweets and become a diabetic so that he can "treat" her?

I wasted an afternoon, yet again. Next time Mom has those complaints I am NOT GOING TO RESCUE HER. Screw that. I'll just say, "Eat some sweets Mom. That's what your doctor said."

ugh. Pass the caregiver helmet please!!
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Jud, if your mother won't let you in the room with her while the doctor is examining her, why would you got to the doctor with her? Let her take a cab, or if SHE thinks it's an emergency, let her call 911. I would not put up with this kind of manipulation! My opnion only!
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My Mom [97] likes to go to the doctors and specialists just for reassurance.... she likes hearing "see you in 3-months" "see you in 6 months" "see you in one year". That tells her she is going to live another year or so. Couple of the specialists told her she doesn't need to come back any more as if nothing has shown up by now, it probably won't happen.... yet she will call me to set up yet another round of appointments with them and I can't convince her that they said she doesn't need to return.... [sigh]

I'm not sure I will survive.... Judda, I will wrestle you for that helmet :P
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Toomuch, that is a blow, I'm so sorry. You know what they say about getting back on the horse, though - do you have any ideas about finding alternative work? Hugs to you, what a kick in the teeth :(
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(sigh) Just realized I definitely need to sink some money into more blue fabric pads (waterproof) for Mom. We had 6, but 2 of them were from Dad and were very old, and were no longer waterproof (found that out by accident), so now we have 4. One is on her bed at all times and is washed when her bedding is washed, and the other 3 are cycled on her chair. She's going through all 3 in a day's time now, so at this moment, she is sitting on a towel on top of a trash bag while all 3 of the pads are in the wash. She *finally* got in the shower today, got out, got dressed and assured me she had a pad on. I don't know how many times I have to go through this with her before *I* realize that I need to stand RIGHT THERE and watch her put the pad on. She came out and assured me she had one one, and stupid me, I didn't check or make sure. 20 minutes later, she's shuffling at a fast pace (for her) to the bathroom, not saying anything to me about what she's just done - peed on her chair. (I had *just* put the last clean chair pad on there while she was in the shower...)

Guess I need to shell out about $60 to get enough to keep enough on hand.

One sis doesn't call to check on mom at all, sees her 1x per month when she's in town for a few days, doesn't bother to ask me how she's doing, etc. The other asks all the time how things are going, but I'm tired of telling her the same things over and over. What good does it do? It's not going to change anything. All she says is "oh, that must be so hard on you. I'm sorry you have to go through that. I'll pray for you." I know they don't have time to help with mom, and don't really *want* to help, but dammit...I'm SO tired and frustrated here lately. Mom resists the idea of having someone she doesn't know come in and take care of her when I have to be gone for a few days, but that's what it's coming to - she can't possibly stay alone with someone just checking on her a couple of times a day. Not anymore. So that's another expense I get to absorb. Gee, maybe I can start working 80-90 hours a week instead of 60.

FF and Judda, I think we need to invest in the helmet company....I'd like mine in pretty pink with purple polka dots with a little propeller on top, please. Maybe with a wine bottle holster on the side with one of those straws that reaches down to my mouth.
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Susan, I like the helmet that the Captain has in his photo on the forums :)
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i wish everyone some relief from this s*itty job market . the govt swears the economy has taken off strongly and practically everyone is hiring but thats getting to be old news , telling us every 6 months that all is looking good . what i see is much different -- practically no new construction and existing homes falling into disrepair . ive thought for years that banking , healthcare and insurance were bloated industries . these industries are being scaled down but that just results in even less money moving around . this freakin recession is global , going on 9 yrs old and i dont hear one h*ll of a lot of solutions floating around . im watching hard hit japan to see how theyre gonna get things moving . handing out bags of cash honest to d*mn has been discussed .. i wish to free up jobs theyd let us retire in our mid 50 ' s . theyd never see my ass in town again if that happened .
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My whine?
I am sick and tired of ALWAYS watching what he wants to watch on tv. Then when the show he wants to watch is over says "I didn't get much out of that!"
Wondering about dementia setting in on him now. And for not getting much out of something, it sure has be turned up loud!
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Well, y'all could be dealing with "just kill me" all day. I do mean ALL D*MN DAY!

Not just for me to hear, but her p/t carer, the FedEx guy, the dogs... oh and me a thousand more times as she does her marathon pacing. Luckily she stuffed her mouth full of Orange Chicken for 5 minutes to give me a break.

Oh... got a tree today. Why again? Oh yeah, so she could tell the pretty lights to "just kill me". Wasn't enough she told the weatherman 20 times on the TV.

Tried to get her to participate in stringing lights on the tree. Hell no.

Some days there is no such thing as re-directing.... her agitation wins.
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Jeanette, I felt bad clicking "like this" for your post. I wish we had a separate "I support you big time" button. You are really going through it, girl. I keep hoping that your mother will get past this stage so that you'll be able to rest.

Toomuch, I know how hard it is to concentrate on a job at home. My work requires that I have the muse with me. There is nothing like caregiving to chase that muse away. I have a feeling my muse is probably laying outside somewhere looking like she has been beat with a bat. Working from home is difficult when there is stress and depression all about. I feel bad for the poor muse. I need to find and nurse her back to health.

glad, I know what you mean about the TV. This is my mother's house. It is her living room, her kitchen, her TV, etc. I long ago gave up trying to watch anything on her TV. It's game shows and the Waltons all day. At least the Waltons is good. I watch TV on my computer each night before I go to bed. My computer lets me keep up with Revenge, The Good Wife, Grey's Anatomy, and Parenthood. What would I do without it? I love Netflix and Hulu.
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Do you ever wish that your parent was either become totally ill or totally well? I don't know what plans to make for my mother, really. She has been living in this limbo state for years now -- too healthy for a facility but not really living. There is no indication that she'll be leaving the world anytime soon, but she has zero interest in doing anything. My father was the same way, spending years in the same chair dying a little more each day. I often think that many elders are not really sick. They just don't want to bother with living anymore. It can be so frustrating.
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Awh Jesse... oh gosh forgive me but your description of a muse just about done me in! Beat with a bat... oh yeah. If I could spank my naughty 2 year old I think today, would be a good day to try. Along with "just kill me"... she's developed another make me scream habit. Sneaking up behind me while I sit on the couch, then start tapping my head... tap tap tap... where do I sit? Where is my chair? Where is my _______? Speaking of beat up muse's.... so, I posted a few selfies on FB. Haven't did that in 9 months, just puppy dog pics and awesome PNW scenery.... so my bestie friend for 38 years has this dolt who always post racist crap, right? Me and my big mouth ...errrr, fingers, sent her a friend request and proceeded to give her my opinion, ending it with, ok, you may delete me now. Well, not only did I get deleted but.... got a whole bunch of messenger crap full of "Old as Dirt" comments.... waaaaaahhhhhhh LOL guess I deserved it, also guess I earned my old as dirt status. Meh. For the record I don't look old as dirt...l do feel old as dirt though, the dirt from the very bottom of the Himalaya Mountains...

What happens after this phase? no.... don't tell me, I like surprises. I like Netflix, Hulu and LOVE Iron Chef... why? who knows... maybe another person/entity for mom to talk to? Either way.... I only WISH mom would watch tv vs carry on a conversation with it. So much for HIGH DEF! LOL!!! hahaha... I crack me up!

For the record, I do not yell at my mother, scold her or mistreat her... I do try and redirect her but that is not always a winning situation. There are many times when it's best she just do her own thing while I watch her ( with my mouth hanging open). However, is she taps the back of my head ONE MORE TIME, I might have to break out my squirt guns! hate that.... grrrr drives my batty and I do believe, mother dear knows this.
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I think you are correct. In my deepest times of depression, I've had zero interest in doing anything and did not feel like bothering with living anymore. Having been on disability since 2003, I still feel that my life has little sense of direction like it did when I worked. Helping people on this site gives me some sense of direction and I am glad that I can help. Take care.
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Jesse, my father was a MAN MAN! He stayed alive and did what was needed long enough for me to get here. He NEVER complained. He bitched normal old guy stuff or maybe just man stuff. He never asked for help. He did it on HIS terms. Almost killed me but he did it. I am my father's daughter... which is why this is hard for me. Outside I don't say much, inside......yeegads I have never been so stifled in my life. This IS NOT reflection on my mother, ok?... merely a reflection on life and this disease. Get it straight.
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Caregiver's are not allowed to get depressed nor can they afford the luxury of doing nothing much less not living. I do understand depression. Been there done that probably still doing it.... my mother can't afford me not wanting to eat nor get up and at least do something. Although this could be the most depressing of situations in my entire lifetime... it is not the end of all ends.

Jesse, since your mother is somewhat ok to be left alone, why can't you go out and do other things? I am sure there are a lot of animal rescue's that would love a caring person to come in and scratch some lonely chins :))) now that, is my dream job :)
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Jeanette, I am lucky that I can get out and do things each day. It is my saving grace. The main thing that keeps me tethered is my mother's inability to manage her medicines at all. If she didn't have diabetes and hypertension, it would be a lot easier. I also have to do all the chores that need doing, but I could do them whenever I wanted. The medications are a daily routine, though. I have to get them ready and give them to her, then remind her to take them, then remind her again. She doesn't have the ability to use pill boxes. She wouldn't be able to sort through day and time like that. I don't complain about the medication management, though. It took me two years to finally get control of them. It was a mess and a major control issue for her. It wasn't until she made herself sick with her Metformin and overdosed on her Aricept (that was terrible) that she let me help her.

Getting out does help, but it takes away from working. I get caught up thinking I need to get out and I need to work. And I need to rake leaves and go to the store. And the bathroom and kitchen need cleaning. And her room is a wreck. And forget about that horrendous back room that is like a huge closet packed with racks and racks of old clothes. There is so much to do and I am just one person. I have to say it was wonderful to call in the plumber today, instead of doing the work myself. It was expensive, but worth it. He did in a few minutes what would have taken me hours to do.

My father had what we would now call Asperger's. He spent the last 20 years of his life sitting in a chair looking out the window. He was a good man, but grew increasingly autistic as he aged. He stopped taking care of himself, so we had to make him. It was like watching him decompose in place. I did what I could to help him stay as clean and healthy as possible, but really he died many years before he stopped breathing. Now I see my mother doing the same thing, except that her window is the TV screen. She takes an antidepressant, but it hasn't made any difference. It isn't depression. It is more like a checking out of life.

As I was typing this, I thought about how amazing we caregivers are. We deal with things that no one should really have to.
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Yes Jesse we do. We do it mostly with a smile on our face and some witty humor...or least I think it's witty :)
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Sorry, my laptop has been possessed by my mother...

Jesse, you asked what was worse... wishing someone was totally ill or totally better. It all seems to fit. Would you like someone totally sane or totally insane. In our case... it really doesn't matter.

You should just shove your backroom into my garage (it's where I shove everything) who cares? I, like you, used to care... not anymore. I am starting to care more about myself. If someone doesn't like my messy garage, by all means clean it.

My mother's disease and this situation got me down so low last winter I never thought I could take another one, yet here I am. Most of what I do right now, is for my own sanity. I think it was pamstegman that said... the good thing about AD/Dementia is they don't realize certain thing. At first I was offended... I thought, hey, mom may not know but I do!.... guess what.... she doesn't know, I do ... I gave myself the gift of "being ok" with it all.

Tomorrow may not be so good... today wasn't a picnic, but at least... well, with so much going on in the world, I don't have it that damn bad and mom has no idea... her lectric blankie is heating and hopefully soon the snoring begins.

I refuse to let myself check out so early in life.
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I was feeling kind of low this am but after reading these last few posts your words help me put and keep my situation in perspective.See I don't have to deal with dementia right now, I have taken care of this kind of patient in their home but I would get to leave at the end of my shift. You guys, your shift never ends.JeanetteB you are my hero of the day,please take good care of yourself.My biggest problem of the day,(boo hoo for me,(being sarcastic)) is I feel guilty doing anything just for me, I don't feel like "fighting" with mother to get her to bath today, I think I will have better luck with that tomorrow after her PT session.I just sometimes get the feeling that if I start to live life something horrible will happen to my mother because I was having a good time.I was born feeling guilty.
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Guilt. The age all "signed, sealed and delivered" document our parents handed us to insure we don't bail on them. But... define "bail." You enjoying your own life, taking time for yourself and taking care of yourself is NOTHING to feel guilty about! Your parents had a life caring for you as a child. You should also have a life. As for the bathing... well, my mother cared for my dying father for 2 years at home. She'd also fight with him about bathing. One day, she stopped fighting and let him go to his dr dirty, disheveled and downright stinking. The doctor told him that if no one was caring for him at home, he, the dr, would sign my father into a facility where his everyday needs would be met. Then the dr sent a social worker to my parents' home to check up on the situation. Dad not only bathed after that but he got his head shaved to eliminate shampooing. At least he was clean.. and warned!!!
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tex, I think putting off things until tomorrow is a fine idea. There are a lot of things that are just as good to do tomorrow. If the bath is more than you can cope with today, then tomorrow sounds just fine to me if there are no health implications. Something that caregiving has taught me is that leaves will still be there to be raked tomorrow. Dirty bathrooms and kitchens will still be dirty tomorrow. Tomorrow can be the best time to do all those things that are too much for us today.
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I feel guilty about not "pressing" her more about the bath but I just get tired of the struggle over a bath that I help her with,I literally am at her side,handing her towels and soap, I make a great bathroom attendant,wish I had one for myself.She is getting her hair done today so I know she isn't hurting to much to bath. It's just I am afraid that she might "smell" and someone would think I wasn't doing what I am supposed to. People that don't take care of an elderly parent/spouse just don't get "it" about the bathing thing. I would sound like a crazy person trying to explain about her not wanting to bath,I mean what rational human being wouldn't want to be clean especially if they have someone that is willing to help them? She doesn't have dementia, she has always been like this, won't have her hair touched except once a week at the salon.She did this when I was a kid even during the summer , yuch! I have offered to wash her hair but she won't have it.It has to be done at the salon! This was something a therapist was helping me with, because I don't like my mother I overcompensate in caring for her because of the guilt of not liking her(I have good reason to not like her but that is another story).I am always afraid that "someone" will accuse me of not taking good care of her. I even went as far as to make a video of her and her living conditions( with my mother's permission) to show to my therapist just for reassurance that I am not keeping my mother in a "gulag".It's just that if I do anything no matter how tiny that is just for me I get a horrible feeling of guilt that is almost immobilizing.The thing is I was in great health before my mother moved in with me,now I have gained 40lbs, had 2 back surgeries,had to quit a part time job I loved just in the last 2 yrs.Sometimes I wish Ativan came in chewing gum form, I would have boxes of it.
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why did I do what I just did? I cancelled an appointment with a friend to go horseback riding.It is a beautiful day and I am so depressed.Meanwhile,my mother is now at the salon.What is wrong with this picture? But I actually felt better after cancelling meeting my friend.
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Tex... I think there's a lot of us in this kind of situation... Same here... my mother lives with me... One thing I'm trying to sink into my head it that you can't live for them anymore than they can live for you. So, all you can do is try new things. My mother won't let me do any bathing for her, wash her hair or anything (she's 87)... So far, she's keeping 'up' pretty good, but if I smell an odor, I let her know. Every day, I gauge what's happening (in her world). In the future, I will probably get help if I need to... I told her that if she won't let me help, she'll have to pay the person I get to help her... Tell you mom that (I have) that if the doctor thinks she's not getting the proper care at home, 'they' can take her away from you... I think this gives them some food for thought(?)... Keep writing here... ((hugs))
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I think you said the keyword for many of us. How could we not be depressed? It might not be the kind of depression that makes us have to start on medications or jump off cliffs, but it is the kind that makes us wake up without any joy.
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as screwed up as it is i still think that caring for an elder near end of life is a special calling and its no wonder that only one in a handful of siblings can or will do the job . ive picked heathers brain a little bit to see why she never plans to return to institutional elder healthcare -- its a horrifically difficult job even when your on a crew with several co workers . theres nothing wrong with my memory . i very well remember that my mothers bipolar in combination with dementia took a toll on my head . i didnt find this website just by accident . i had a seemingly impossible job to do and had everything to learn about it . sis tried the " fly by every day or two approach " , niece tried living in and doing the job and that lasted about 8 weeks . when everybody else steps back you pretty much have to care for the elder .
i dont have any regrets . id have been voted the person LEAST likely to stick with mom till the end but appearances are deceiving .
it seems the self imposed guilt never ends . ive worked 4 in a row and took today off to rest and feel like the biggest loser in the world . its silly . i just dont know enough men my age to fairly compare myself to . the frame carpenter out at the farm is my age and works a solid 40 hrs a week -- but he stands on the ground dictating and makes saw cuts . much younger guys are standing in the sky throwing lumber around .
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Captain... Oh Captain!...
Don't be so hard on yourself captain... You're a great person!... Your 'calling' has been done and God has given you the best Christmas present to bestow on any human being. I'm so proud of you and I'm sure so many others are also... Treat and pamper yourself... you earned it and deserve it!
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