I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
thanks for the kind words heart to heart . everyone on here seems to be struggling with loss of self purpose but what everyone is doing is the most generous thing one could ever do . total self sacrifice . hope everyone lightens up on themselves a bit . my parents stayed as far from elder care as they could get , they shouldnt be too disappointed with my clumsy efforts ..
I suspect you're right about not making fair comparisons!
Tex? Why, are you cancelling the rides? Your mother will enjoy her hair appointment just as much if you're not stuck indoors feeling left out! (I think). But I know what you mean about the relief of not having to keep an appointment. I think it's to do with overloaded To Do lists - you're just glad there's one you don't have to tick, even if it was a nice one.
If we were to judge, I would WIN hands down today. My worst nightmare came to fruition at 2:36 a.m. Picture this, your in a deep sleep when an ungodly smell wakes you instantly up. You pry your eyes open to see your mother standing there covered in it. With watering eyes and a scarf double wrapped around my face and a plethora of febreeze sprayed throughout the entire house I give her a bath and tuck her back into bed. 2 glasses of wine later... yes I had wine at 3:30 in the morning cuz there was no way in h*ll I was going back to sleep without some sort of aid. Fast forward to 11:00 a.m..... mom comes out of her room... and that smell once again is burning my eyes.
Every carer, no matter the degree of difficulties in their life should take at least ONE day a week off. In some fashion... even if it's locking yourself in your room. No guilt. No remorse.
its still stuck in my mind how your mother is tired of living . thats especially sad when your trying so hard to make her life pleasant . i learned a long time ago by personal experience that mental illness is every bit as incapacitating as physical illness .
heart to heart,
trying to keep or find your sense of self is particularily difficult during or after caregiving , i guess because your so used to putting your own needs last . im definately at a loss for purpose right now . some of it we can all attribute to the winter blahs . thats a genuine condition by its own right and even seperately from seasonally affective disorder .
my last 12 months have mosly been about turning unwanted logs into sticks of firewood . my freakin back is gonna blow one of these days and probably cause another ice age from the dust and smoke cloud it puts up ..
Her tummy virus points to her being so upset yesterday. She can't articulate what's wrong, so she goes on the "just kill me" rant. An AH HA! moment!
Yip Cap, I'd agree.... winter blah's are so much more than mere depression. Even with a pill you can't change the weather.
Here in the great Pacific North West we are having a giant wind storm. Gusts to 80 mph. It's just started and we are out of depends so a quickie trip to walgreens is a MUST!!
Finally got the tree into the stand and it is straight :) Not an easy task for 1 person to do. Had to saw off several of the lower branches but I must say it looks pretty cute ;)j Later on tonight while it storms outside mom and I shall play with the ornaments...
Jeanette, you hit it right on the head with:
"Caregiver's are not allowed to get depressed nor can they afford the luxury of doing nothing much less not living. I do understand depression. Been there done that probably still doing it.... my mother can't afford me not wanting to eat nor get up and at least do something. Although this could be the most depressing of situations in my entire lifetime... it is not the end of all ends."
There are so many days that I just don't *feel* like eating, cooking, cleaning, or anything else. All I want to do is make myself a cup of coffee and immerse myself in my work, and not emerge until I'm ready to fall off my chair with exhaustion. But Mom needs to eat, needs to be reminded to take care of her bathroom needs (or she simply won't go to the bathroom, wipe, change her incontinence pad, flush, etc), needs to be urged - sometimes strongly - to shower, get dressed, etc. So it's up and at 'em, all hands on deck, rally the troops, d*mn the torpedos, full speed ahead - every day, day in/day out, 24/7. I have such a strong respect for those who deal with parents or loved ones who are far worse off than my mom is - those with severe dementia that require far more care.
I have clients out in CA that are dealing with that storm today, Jeanette - one of them is holding a huge conference today, which is a hybrid of live and online events - they are right in the heart of the storm area. 2 speakers cancelled this morning due to the weather and they lost power at the hotel where the conference was being held. (Kind of ironic, the conference is about cloud computing and they were forced to retreat back several decades and hold the first 2 hours of it by candlelight!) Another client is about 5 hours north of San Fran and had just a few clouds, no rain at all. Go figure.
Hope you and Mom stay safe, Jeanette!
No tree here yet - I had one set up, and the dang cat won't stop eating the branches. (Not a live tree, I'm allergic.) So I'm setting up one that I think he will leave alone - the branches are more tinsel-like. It's an easy-up tree - there's a central pole and the tree is spiral and collapses flat - you just stretch it out and hook it to the top of the pole and - voila! - instant tree. It's even pre-decorated with ribbons and bows, and pre-lit. I love decorating and all, but I know the cat will be breaking ornaments left and right if I put them on there.
Thankfully, Mom has had a relatively good day today, other than needing the normal reminders to take her pills and take care of bathroom tasks....good thing, because my clients are eating up all my time today, and it's not going to stop until late tonight. I took a few minutes to visit here and eat dinner (Subway!).
I love ribbons and bows on a tree! The simpler the better, as long as there's a lot of twinkling lights. I think it's so elegant. it looks so pretty with just light's I hate to mess with it.
Our wind has died down, but the lights/power keeps flickering on/off, the back 40 looks like chaos tho.... on the plus side, it's been 65 +. Cant beat that! It's still howling out there.... awesome sleeping weather if only I could get someone to sleep ;) working on that this minute!
My needs for the future are so simple. I just don't know when that future will begin.
bout the closest ive came to achieving that dream is taking a crackhead riding every now and then . hardshell bugs can bounce off their eyeballs yet they never blink .
I'm right with you on not acting as her personal chauffeur - you'd have to get the right hat, and everything. Nuts to that! Too right, you should be inflexible - don't give an inch.
But I can see that the overnight stay might bother her - anxieties about sleeping in an unfamiliar house (and I think it's usually bathroom-related issues rather than comfy bed issues, if truth be told) seem to be really common as people get older.
Giving a shot is an easy thing to do. She started talking about how I needed to learn to do it for when she couldn't do it herself anymore. Of course, I've known how to do it a long time. I reinforced to her that if she became unable to care for herself that we would find a good place for her to get the care she needed. She informed me that I would take care of her. The way that she was talking to me this morning was like a boss to an lowly employee. Grr. I can't get no respect.
I love showers as opposed to a bath. To me, in a bath, you're sitting in that dirty water when you're done. Yuck! If you stood up and showered afterwards, I'd be OK with it, LOL.
I want to continue doing volunteer work and I want to stay active (both mind and body). Once mom goes, I'll figure out where I want to be geographically (I'd love to be near the ocean, if I can figure out where I'd enjoy living). It's fun to imagine what could be in my future. It doesn't scare me, it excites me...I'm lucky.
I know that I often do not seem to care as my mother is going through her list of ailments anytime I sit down. The truth is that I am overwhelmed and know that I can't fix any of it. For both my father and mother I had to come to a point of telling myself, "It's in God's hands." The only thing I can do is make them more comfortable in their last days.
i help a lot of older people nowdays tune out old flower planters and things that they no longer have the energy to care for . so im sayin downsizing is akin to just detangling yourself from a lot of headache and expense .
theres no minimum monthly fee for electricity in our county anymore . i believe if that dull eyed renter didnt live upstairs i could keep the electricity in the 20 dollar a month range and i will burn tires before freezing to death -- thats historic fact ..
She lays down for a nap. I tell her beforehand that she should go to the bathroom. She says she doesn't need to - and I remember that she went about an hour before this, so I let it go. She lays down, and proceeds to rub her legs together restlessly (a sure indicator that she DOES have to go), sigh, scratch herself and rub her legs together some more, until I'm ready to go insane from the sound of it.
I tell her she should get up and go to the bathroom. She says she doesn't need to, her legs are just restless. So I figure I'll just wait her out, because I can almost guarantee that's the problem. 2 minutes later, up she pops, and shuffles off to the bathroom. I don't say a word, but I'm in serious need of that "caregiver helmet" to protect my head as I beat it against my desk....
She didn't argue about showering today - she had a nasty dirty backside and she knew it. I got up to find a b.m. in the toilet with no paper...so she went at some point in the wee hours of the morning and didn't wipe herself - at all - AGAIN. At least I can be thankful she didn't argue about showering this time, because she knew she needed it. I can't even imagine how uncomfortable that must be. Ick.