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Sorry I was such a Debbie Downer yesterday. My mental state is an everyday work in progress.I am now on the beginning of year 3 with MOM.I can say I forgive things she did to me in the past that caused me to not want her in my life but I can never forget,wish I could , would make things so much easier. However,had a talk with myself(not answering back yet) that I am a grown *ss woman and she can't do the things to me she used to when I was a little kid,literally she can't.Her mobility limits her and she is dependant on me for her quality of life,I know she doesn't like it, who would, at least I am a honest person,lucky for her.I've made it clear to her when we first started this journey that if she ever "badmouthed" me to the point that APS or law enforcement showed up at my house they would need a UHAUL because she would be out of my house, I refused to be a hostage.However, I take very good care of her,meet all her needs and as many of her wants as I can.Just read a story in the New York Daily News of an nursing assistant that assaulted an elderly resident,caused him to fall and he was injured on some furniture that caused him to bleed to death. He may have been aggressive,but that goes with the territory in taking care of elders with or without dementia, I have had patients like this, I knew to duck and weave but never ever hit, I knew it wasn't personal .As much as I don't like my mother I at least have her where I know no one will hit her,be mean to her,abusive in anyway (although on bath day she may disagree)she is in an environment that she feels physically/mentally safe(at least this is what she tells me).As much as I don't like her I don't want her to be afraid,maybe there is hope for me after all.All things considered I actually have a pretty good setup here at my house.I know she is happier here than she would be in an AL and she isn't bad off enough for a nursing home.So I am trying to look forward to the coming new year with optimism (even though it is forced) remind myself of the good things I have and stay focused.I am so glad I found this forum 3yrs.ago,it has helped my sanity and kept things in perspective.I can't hold a candle to those of you that have elders with dementia,you are the real deal because taking care of someone with dementia,well,as a nurse I know what is involved in the hour by hour care of someone like this ,but you have the shift that never ends.For those of you in this position,please do the best you can in taking care of yourselves, outlive your elder,and as far as guilt,it shouldn't even be there,every day you get up and have to do and deal with things you don't want to but do it anyway that is bravery,strength,goodness,a person like this isn't guilty of anything.
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Tex, I like every word you just said. Except for the apologising for being a DD! - if you think you were, I must be in complete disgrace by now.
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SusanA43: You've sure accomplished alot with your mom! I did think of something that may or may not be an option or work: would a bedside commode work for your mom? For some people it does.
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Thanks, herbalizer77 - it's not that she *can't* get to the bathroom, it's that she *won't* or doesn't want to until someone pressures her to do it. I'm not doing the bedside commode thing until we absolutely have to - she sleeps in the living room, where I also have my desk and operate my home-based business. (Trust me, that's not by choice. I *wish* I had an office space away from the noise of the tv, her snoring, etc. Especially when I have to be on the phone with clients.)
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Tex, you weren't a downer. We all have rough days.
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It is rather shocking what some people can eat and still stay slim-ish and yet others eat far less and end up looking like round balls. I hate to cook so I can definitely relate to that.

So, what can she do? Make grocery lists? Check grocery lists for over-charging (I don't do that but I know old people who do). Chop veggies or whatever to eat?

Perhaps sit down and make a weekly menu with you and, with her, determine both the cost, time, and calorie intake.

You are lucky in some ways. Usually, in my experience, old folks aren't eating enough or not getting proper nutrition. There is a silver lining!

Give her some "homework." If she's not willing, perhaps it's time to look into a nursing home.
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I seldom disagree with anything, but I do have to disagree with hobbesmom. If this were a perfect world and some of our parent's could do a fraction of what you suggested, well then... it would be a perfect world :)

Weekly menu's? Check grocery lists? Calorie intake? Chop veggies?

Am I doing something wrong? I surely do not do any of this.

Homework? If she's not willing? Good grief.... nursing home?

Hobblessmom, please tell me what I am missing with caring for my AD mother?
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Changing the subject a bit -- I spent the whole day with my mother and lived to tell the tale. I didn't even get mad today, though she goaded me a few times. Late in the day she was feeling a bit smug with herself and talked about how she had never fussed at Dad. Now, anyone who knows my mother knows that the day she doesn't fuss is going to be the day the sun goes out. I just laughed at her, then asked the Lord to forgive her for bearing false witness. She persisted, though, and I realized she may have blocked the memories of herself that were less than stellar. I wish I could do that with my own life!

I thought about menu prep and the other things that were suggested. I feel glad that my mother can still make her own breakfast, do some laundry, and wash dishes. I don't even mind that the dishes aren't very clean. I know that soon she won't be able to do these things.

So the house is decorated and everything is falling together for Christmas. I have my sensitivity meter switched to non-combat mode. Holidays are rough, because my mother wants to micromanage. I know it won't matter what I do, since next year (if there is one) she'll take credit for everything I did this year. It is funny. Each year I do certain things. Then the next year she'll tell me that last year SHE did these things. I've learned to just let her take credit, because it really doesn't matter. I just tell her she certainly did a wonderful job last year. :)
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I am actually very lucky.My mother can still dress herself, feed herself(just not cook) get herself on and off the commode with reasonably good cleaning,watch TV, paint her little pictures, do needlepoint ( her vision is better than mine,doesn't need glasses/I do!) NO DEMENTIA yet.Compared to a lot of the situations I read about I actually have the best of all possible worlds.However, I know that as time goes on my situation will change and hope I can change with it.I know I will be a changed person at the end of this journey,just hope it is for the better.
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Tex, it just occurs to me that you are sounding so much happier in yourself lately. How is your neck pain, how you noticed a lot of improvement since the surgery? Though I can share that we also just seem to get better at deflecting our mothers', um, "little ways", too; but I was hoping that you have really benefited from having to go through that procedure? That would be a result!
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Still have neck pain but it is bearable, actually rode a horse yesterday but only for 30 minutes but that's more than I could do 5 months ago. I can only feel bad for so long, apparently I must have some kind of internal switch that let's me know when I have reached my sh*t limit. I really wanted to thank whoever made the statement of " I can't possibly do that".This statement is like magic with my mother,her passive/aggressive NPD just can't seem to get around that.Lately that statement has saved me a lot of grief.
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Glad you're doing better, Tex!

My mom is similar to yours, but with early-to-mid-stage dementia thrown in. She can dress herself, shower herself, and doesn't have the pacing, restlessness or random verbal outbursts that come later - she has the memory loss and personal care neglect (unless pushed) issues.

She showered Monday, and twice after that, I had to remind her that she had already showered. Once when she went back into the bathroom to put on an incontinence pad, which she had forgotten, and later, when I asked her how the new tub mat I bought felt under her feet when she showered - she looked at me blankly and said, "How would I know - I haven't been in there today!" Um....yes you were.....
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Darn post button...hit too fast. Mom can help with meal prep to some extent, but arthritis in her hands makes that difficult at best. She can give me ideas of what she'd like to eat, but making a list is beyond her. So is writing down childhood memories she has that I'd like to preserve - looks like I missed the boat on that one - so now when she randomly pops out with something she remembers from her childhood, *I* write it down. I felt so bad for her when I gave her a notepad and asked her to just start writing down things she remembered from her childhood, and asked some leading questions about places she lived, her grandparents, etc. She got about 4 lines down and stopped. I asked if it was too difficult to remember, and she said no - that she just didn't feel like doing it. (Unfortunately, I know the truth - she can't remember, and doesn't want to admit it.)

Today she's in what she calls "sloth mode" - sleeping all day. She's been up long enough to go to the bathroom twice, eat breakfast and then back down again. She sat up about an hour ago, then laid back down 5 minutes later...then back up in 15 minutes...then back down again. I guess at the very least, I can be thankful for some time to myself while she's sleeping...? I get a whole lot more done with my work and housework if she's asleep.
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Okay a real whine -- I wish I could do something to get that thread about the mother (78) having a stroke off my newsfeed. It is so hard to get things off because the thread you want to unfollow is always buried at the bottom of some long list. I can take forever to find it! That thread bothers me because people are trying to reason with someone who can't reason. Goodness! we should know better than that.
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I just tried to unfollow the thread today. It wouldn't let me unfollow it. It did the same thing the other day. I tried three times to unfollow today. No luck. I'll just have to try to keep my mental ignore on.
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Jessie I think if you go to the posters profile there is a "stop following" link
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I'm not following the person. I posted twice to the thread at the start. Now I can't unfollow for some reason. I know... there's tougher things in life.
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So dad goes to the store, buys sausage and rolls. Comes home while i am in my office working and says, I bought sausage for lunch, can you make it if you are going to be home for lunch? It was 11:30, I usually eat by myself, once in a while I make lunch for the 2 of us. He can cook and cook well, fully capable. I was cooking 2 chickens in the oven for friends whose parent is in hospice, (Cooks by its self) so now I have to make lunch... Sure I am an extra hour today! So during lunch "I need a weather app on my phone"... no you don't.... "yes, my other son had one"....... its a data miner and hog........and you don't go anywhere, look outside or watch your TV......."in case I go somewhere"...... I give up. Then I have to do the dishes and go back to work.......
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I don't have dementia in the equation as of now but never know.Just dealing with NPD(mom).Have learned a lot in dealing with this type of behavior and just glad I am no longer a powerless child against it. I sometimes wonder after some of her "behavior" episodes how did I mentally survive my childhood.I know it just "chaps" her *ss having to depend on me, especially as I now stand up for myself and set and keep boundaries.But I really wonder, what did she think as she got older,that she could keep on treating me as she did when shehad complete control of my life(as a child)?She has a college education, worked for the Govt. for 30yrs, she isn't stupid,calls herself religious,yet somehow in her mind she thought she could just resume business as usual when she moved in with me.I guess I am just musing because she and I are so different.I don't believe I will have to worry about her wandering if dementia sets in simply because of her osteoarthritis,probably incontinence and getting her to eat will be the big issues.I just really want to start off the new year with a better attitude, I give up on hers, I am talking about mine.So again, all you out there that are actually taking care of someone with dementia I am in awe of you.Please try to take care of yourselves,if someone out there is feeling guilty because they know they are going to have to place their elder in a LTC,please don't,one person can only do so much.Society is changing, people are living longer than they did when our parents were in their 50's.My mother never had to take care of her parents, also my father's parents were both dead before I was 10yrs.old.I am walking new territory with basically no road map.So I will do the best I can, I may not be the best everyday but I try and hope I cut myself some slack when I fall down,just brush off myself and get back up,also not let things get to a point that I feel like beating my head on the wall, that doesn't do anybody any good.Enjoy the day because tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
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Jessie, I went through and read that whole thread you're talking about. Holy cow. Not much else I can say.
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Tex you are doing good,keep it up. Mom won't change , she can't. my guess is that when she was again under the same roof as you it just reactivated all the old behaviours. I know you don't have children but parents have a hard time realizing their offspring are no longer dependent and fully capable of making their own decisions. My hubby often tells me to tell one of the kids this or that and I have to remind him that they are all in their forties and if his parents had interfered with us at that age we would not have appreciated it. So your mother moved in and immediately went into mother/child mode. I think you are doing the right and only thing you can by setting your boundaries. Keep on riding those horses there is nothing like sitting up on one of those nice warm bodies.
My eldest is a dressage rider and rides at Grande Priz level. She has a very pretty black morgan stallion she has trained herself. Doesn't help your problems with your mother but I know you love horses.
As far as the early stages of dementia are concerned I think It is very difficult to distinguish them from the forgetfulness of getting older which we all experience. One thing is for sure she is not going to get any nicer. Maybe stick her on the top of the Christmas tree with duct tape over her mouth.
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My mom seemed to be looking forward to the holiday luncheon at the NH today. They do a great job, full turkey dinner with trimmings, decorations, staff in Santa hats. I'd taken some homemade cookies for her. But I found her in a mood, telling a young woman who was holding her hand that no, her family wasn't here, that all her family is back East (my husband and all of our kids and grandkid are here). I slipped past every negative comment with aplomb, chatting with the other dinners, countering with good things to say. I was determined to make this a really nice visit. I was Teflon Tammy, until someone asked her how many kids she had. She said two daughters, 5 (there are 6) grandchildren, 6 grandchildren. For the second time in 2 weeks, she's let slip her real feelings on my stepdaughter not really being a grandchild. I guess my Mama Bear mode kicked, as she's been mine since she was 3. I finished up and left on the best note I could. I didn't think she could hurt me anymore. Was wrong. Went back to work and set up things for PT to repair her leg brace. Thanks for letting me vent - now I need to throw it off.
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meant "6 great grandkids"
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I know just because dementia doesn't run in our family doesn't mean it can't happen. I have to discern her normal behavior from what may be from the morphine or the combo of the 2. Her short term memory seems to be very good.She can still retrace her steps to find something.She keeps a monthly calendar and we have "conferences" on making sure hers coincides with mine.She can only have mon, and fri. for MD appts.I had to do this because it was getting to where she was scheduling a MD appt.about every other day and where we live that is an 80 mile round trip each time,it was getting out of control.I told her if she thought her health was getting that bad she would have to move out to AL or LTC,suddenly she got better(it was a miracle) ha!She at one time had me essentially traveling almost 300 miles a week to MD appts. and she isn't sick just old.Tues,and thurs,are my Horse days,wed is flexible,sat she gets her hair done,sun is church, mon and fri are her PT/I cancel pt if there is a MD appt that day.Otherwise she would have had me running 7 days a week with her business like a secretary/chauffeur,it had to stop.Having a schedule and sticking to it made a big difference,and I do schedule "me" time and made her aware I condsider that time very important,that she better back down and let me take good care of myself so I can be there when she needs help.
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I've deleted 14 lines of rant. I will however, say it is so unfair to ask a person with dementia direct questions like is your family here or how many grandkids do you have. Those kinds of questions can set some people up for another heartbreak. My husband has lost his filters and says astonishing things but I understand the disease. He doesn't know who I am (wife for 40+ yrs) but is happy to be with me and has no idea if he has children or grandchildren. I'm saddened when I hear family is hurt when a person with a dying brain says something they would not otherwise say. There is so much pain and sadness with this process.
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She fell...just toppled over. It was 5:00 a.m. She was standing in my doorway talking to me... heck, I though I was dreaming... go to bed mom... no mom, go to bed... thunk

2 staples in her head later.... bet her a** sleep tonight.

mine too.
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Oh Jeanette, I'm so sorry - what a horrible thing to happen. Glad no bones broken, but even so - hope you get some rest. Hugs.
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Linda22. I feel for you. My cousin visited my dad in AL before they left for Florida and she asked if he sees his daughters much. even though she had been her dad's caregiver for year and understands his dementia. He told her no he never sees his daughters and they are waiting for him to die so they can get the house. (What house?) I see dad at least 4-5 days a week. It isn't dwelling on it IMO as he probably forgot about it later that day. But I have to admit it hurts a little.
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Jeanette, could she have had a little stroke or something? Or did she just lose her balance? What could have happened?
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Today i had my hair cut at one of those walk in places and the stylish refered to me as "young lady"
Went next door to the grocery store and the guy that collects the carts rushed over to me grabbed the cart and said" I"ll put those in the back seat for you get in the car out of the cold young lady" Well I do enjoy the attention but am not sure about the young lady part. i guess when someone calls me "grandma' I will have to say I'm not your grandma" haven't decided yet. I don't mind people using my first name Mrs sounds stuffy these days.
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