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Hope, we got to remember that boys will be boys no matter what the age :) What they think is funny, we think is immature. It's the old Mars vs Venus thing. Just grin and bear it.

As for visiting during the holidays, as Dr. Phil will say "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." You know what is going to happen, so try not to dwell on it.
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My Whine Moment: My Mother is a very difficult woman. It's the verbal and emotional abuse she hands out that is so hard to ignore. EX: She wanted a Salad for dinner. I asked her what ingredients, etc. Do you want to eat at your chair or at the table? She said, "at the table". On Sunday night Dinner, we all eat where we want. Mom heard my brother say, "I'm going to my room to eat". Well, I was still finishing the kitchen duties and made Mother's place at the table with everything she would need. Got my dinner and my dog Pollis' dinner and said , "I will going to eat in my room also". She went crazy, "nobody wants to eat with me, I quess i'll be eating alone, you don't care, " etc. I reminded her this was Sunday dinner. Didn't matter. So, stupidly I sat down at the table with her. She started on me again. I excused myself and went to my room for dinner. Polli and I loved the time together. My Mom makes me so angry I could spit nails. Thanks for reading my post.
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My whine for today...My mom lives with me and my husband. I never had kids, I'm an only child and I was never around grandparents (one lived in Hawaii and one passed away before I was born)..I don't think that I'm very good at the whole caregiver thing. It's been about a year since she moved in and we still argue about things that most would think are stupid. My patience with her is so thin....I love her but lots of days I don't like her. I feel awful for saying that and I wish we got along better.
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Don't feel awful, Victoria. I don't know many people who haven't felt like that sometimes. What matters is being there when she really needs you. And, by the way, that doesn't necessarily have to mean living with her - have you thought about other options??? :)
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Well, the day came and went. After spending the entire Thanksgiving holiday with my brother's ex's family....the nephews again spent the entire day today with the same bunch of folks...and drifted up to see brother late late this afternoon, which means they went right past here, knowing how frail my Mama is. I am done making excuses for their behavior...and I am done with them....My heart hurts so much tonight for Mama I feel like I am unable to breathe....My Mama has loved these boys more than life itself...the other granny, with whom they again spent the holiday, has always criticized absolutely everything about them, from their wives, to their wives housekeeping or lack thereof, to their hair styles...Mama never did anything but love them...and they bypass her knowing in all likelihood, they will never see her again....God forgive me, but I hate them....HATE THEM.
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Changing direction a bit -- I don't like it when people paint themselves into a corner. When they ask for advice to get out of it, maybe you say that there's a window behind them. Just open it and get out. No, they can't do that, because it has a nail holding it closed. Okay -- you give them a hammer to pry the nail out. No, they can't do that because they might break the window and the air outside is too cold. Okay -- well, they can wait until the paint dries. So you go away for a little while, only to return to see them applying another coat of paint. I think that many people are most comfortable when they're painted in a corner.
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VictoriaP, I know what you mean by being an only child, I also didn't have any children of my own. You and I never had the practice of trying to reason with a 3 year old, nor with a 13 year old, thus no skills to deal with a 83 year old. Plus not having siblings to learn to stand our ground, and to learn to share.

I think the bickering you are having with your Mom would be like dealing with a sibling who just moved into your home. You've always been use to being on your own [except for hubby] and you feel your space is being invaded.
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I'm guessing the corner painting comment was meant for me. I guess I'm just tired, or too ignorant to understand how my venting applies...probably I just need to stop venting. Thanks Jessie
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No, it wasn't meant for you. It was actually talking about another thread on the board. This "whine" thread doesn't follow a set path. People come in and out posting different things relevant to themselves at the moment. You and I were posting at the same time above, so it is coincidental that your post was right before mine.
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Jessie, would that thread involve 300+ comments and someone who won't admit the very obvious problems they have and seek help for them?

That one is driving me insane. I just wish everyone would stop commenting on it and let this person fend for themselves....no one here can help in the way that's needed. The OP won't accept any advice given, just keeps circling back over the same topics and obsessing over them, over and over.
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No, it's the angry & frustrated thread. People gave good advice that made sense, but the windows were nailed and it was cold outside. We run into a lot of people painting themselves in the corner here. Roscoe is a great example. Most of us gave up on him long ago.

Now, for Hope I think she is too mad at the family. My brothers and their kids don't pay much attention to my mother. All I do is shrug my shoulders at it. Their relationship is between her and them. It is beyond my control. Hope, I wish you could just shrug things off more. People will drive you crazy if you take them to heart.
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I agree with you Susan on that thread. I typed out some really rough comments and then erased them because I did not want to feel responsible for something bad happening. Barb
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Thanks for the clarification, Jessie - I started reading that one but got sidetracked.

Fligirl, I almost responded a couple of times, but to be honest, I have nothing to offer the OP on that one. I feel for the OP, but I can't deal with the constant obsessing and refusal to accept help.
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The main problem I see there is he doesn't want to take his medications, so I bet the family has given up. If they can't help him, I know we can't. He admits he hasn't read the messages written to him, though he does read people's boards. That was a bit odd and made me realize we need to click the private message box if we're saying something we don't want the world to read.
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FG and Susan. I gave up on that thread after about the third page. Over and over and over.
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I am very frustrated about him also. The whine that I posted a while back was basically over my frustration with him.
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I agree Jessie..I know I'm too angry...but I think it comes from 35 years of seeing my parents be disrespected and any time I tried to stand up and defend them I was the one who got shot down. While my parents were wonderful overly forgiving folks, for me, it has honestly kind of warped me I think. I don't think it's right to allow others to disrespect our parents at any time but especially in their own home. But then again I guess if they could accept it why should it affect me so....nonetheless it has affected me, and not in a good way, but sadly now, it is way too late to change it and Mama is at a point where honestly she couldn't care less...still, it hurts to see a woman who has always been the epitome of forgiveness being disrespected, even now...I guess that is their cross to bear and all I am doing is driving myself crazy....but I do need to let it go....all it's doing is killing me..a day will come when I will not have to deal with them at all and then I will know I did all I could and they will have to live with it for the rest of their lives....ah well.....
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I must have missed the "roscoe" thread
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You didn't miss much on his "My misery" thread. He's a 55 year old man who evidently has always been dominated by his mother since he was 15 when his dad died and I gather that he has always lived with mom who has never let him have a girlfriend.

The dude, Scott, who will not take his mental health meds nor face taking responsibility for the only things that he can change about his life is not reading the advice people give. I guess that he is going to chose to be homeless. I had hoped for better for him, but it's his choice.
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So many things we see on here have "The Games People Play" in them. Do you remember who wrote that book, cmag? I thought that book was a great one, because the games are ones we see every day. Sometimes the solutions are so simple, but the person keeps themselves painted in the corner with the things they are doing.
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Nope, I don't know who wrote that book. Yes, we do see a lot of games being played. One the most frequent one that I see is the 'playing the victim game' where the person just keeps offering themselves as a victim for someone's abuse. Another game that I see is "the little child game" where they think if they just show someone enough love that they will suddenly be the parent or grandparent, etc. that they never were when that person was a child. I am sure there are more games that others could list, but those are a couple that catch my eye. Maybe we should start a new thread called "The Games Caregivers Play"
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I found it. The author was Eric Berne. The game I see a lot here is "Yeah, but..." That is a game that makes sure we keep ourselves painted in the corner and is employed so often by caregivers, including myself. We cut off all our exits.
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hope, you have a valid reason to be angry and or annoyed. The valuable lesson I'm learning is being angry does nothing but make me ill, physically and mentally. Funny how you're doing the exact same thing I did concerning my brothers coming over on Christmas. I was so bothered about it... I didn't want them to come over and disturb my day, nor did I ask them to. They decided all on their own they'd bless up with their presence. Guess what? They never stopped by, didn't call, nada, zip zilcho. Guess what? I was ANGRY at that too! LOL It's just downright rude on their part. Look at it this way. You were upset God heard your plea and made them drive right on by you. Your sweet mama doesn't need any nonsense in her house at this time. Neither does mine. Look at it as a blessing in disguise. Besides, both our mothers don't even realize no one stopped by... we do and it probably hurts our feelings more than it does our mothers. This is why I choose not to ask or rely on them for help. It is easier on myself and mom either alone or with our carer. My mental space is used up with mom and has no room for their stupid sh*t.

The Roscoe thread(s) always seem to creep me out. Boggles my mind how one can be so obsessed with a BM or lack of one and how it's a mother/son relationship. I recall watching an episode of Criminal Minds that reminded me of Roscoe and his mother... my son would not deal with that issue in that capacity. He most certainly would call someone in!! LOL he can't even pick up dog poop much less hear about my issues... hehe

Caregiver Games? Are these the games we make up in our head to pass time, convince our loved one to go to bed, eat, pee or be a big girl and stop arguing with the TV?

Isn't there a saying like the simplest solution is the hardest to see? or something like that... my motto these days is to keep things as simple and easy as possible. Everyday things change and it's going to get worse... but if I keep things simple hopefully I can handle it.

uh oh... I hear mom snoring! yay! She's been talking to the walls for hours now. Took her for a long ride along the river, up to the dam and back down the mountain. She slept most of the way but was so confused when she woke up it flipped on the negative switch and I thought it was gonna turn into an all night plight. Guess not! Bedtime!

Sleep well everyone!
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I can see those as being caregiver games, but I am thinking more of the games that caregivers play to keep from seeing the simplest solution or from following through with the simplest solution.
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None of my 4 siblings bothered to phone our parents on Christmas Eve or Day. This is after they didn't bother to call on Thanksgiving either. One of them sent a rather generic Christmas card, and only signed their names (not even "Love, ...." but just their names. So sad. As usual my family was there, brought all the food, enjoyed the meal, took photos, sat around the fireplace drinking coffee and balancing plates of pie & ice cream, opened our few gifts and chased the cats away from tree. It was when I was hand-washing the silver flatware and china that I realized, "I've been washing this same china and silver for 32 years, with zero help from 4 siblings, at my parents sink, yet this china and silver is promised to my siblings, not me....." and I feel so guilty for thinking that maybe I should drop the whole stack of plates. I did NOT do that, but boy, was I tempted. I should have just taken a video of my hands in the sink with THEIR china anr THEIR silver and put it on a CD and popped it in their mail. Wonder if it could be any more clear who is doing All the WORK.
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Has anyone noticed the message from Patriciafrt on this thread,she has left several messages about getting pregnant that have nothing to do with this thread and I believe is a scammer whose first language isn't English.I am going to try alert the admin about this,very annoying.What's funny, is most women on this forum are way beyond child bearing years.I just don't like someone doing this stuff on a board where emotionally vulnerable people come for relief and support,just predatory.
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I just sent a message to admin about Patriciafrt 's messages. If this is a real person your message is inappropriate for this forum and please go else where,all the women on here have already gone thru menopause.
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I saw it also on several threads. I detest "trolls". Anywhere else and I would be having some fun with P but I dont think this is the place. Bummer. : /
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Well my day has already changed.Mother is constipated, this is a big deal because of all the morphine she is on. I will give her this ,she alerted me first thing this am so less than 24 hrs. has gone by and she is drinking more miralax,I am just going next to the big gun, Castor Oil,she doesn't like it but understands it's better than going to the ER.This also means not going to PT today as she will need to be very near a toilet.Getting better at having a day's plans suddenly change,trying to accept that is just how it goes, there are other things I can do at the house that need to be done as my cold now seems to have passed.We have had so much rain in the last 24hrs. the ground is soaked ,the dogs don't want to go outside to do their business,of course they track in everything when they come back inside. It's on days like this, I wonder, if APS showed up at my door what would they think? I have been very sick with a cold for the last 6 days,have 8 dogs in the house,I have managed to keep up with the laundry, but this place really needs a good vacuuming which is what I will do today.My husband, basically all he does is cook and get groceries and I guess I should be grateful for that, he does nothing else except sit at the computer and tune the wo rld out which I can't blame him,but I do.He does make sure mother is fed, makes sure she gets extra fiber in her coffee and food but the rest is up to me.I get really mad at him but I have to let it go because I know he won't change, he is a type 2 diabetic, never checks his sugar, I quit asking him what it is, I get tired of his smart *ssed answers,and what's worse he is a retired nurse so he can't claim ignorance.I think he is just tired of us never having the house to ourselves, first it was his mom which was my first time in hell and now my mother just after I had retired.See none of our parents have ever had to take care of their own parents like he and I have had to.I get so tired of the responsibility,the worry,it's not like I can call in sick and somebody else shows up.It's bad enough worrying about my own ailments but having to play MD every morning,and what if I miss something,or don't catch something in time , and I am even harder on myself because I am a retired nurse so I feel like I should be on top of everything but I am only human but because I am a nurse I should be superhuman, but I am not.I get sick,have pain,if I ran to the MD with my mom every time she had a complaint I might as well just leave her in the ER or put her in a NH except she isn't sick enough or debilitated enough for LTC at present.I just get the feeling she wouldn't be satisfied unless I constantly kept a BP cuff on her arm,had her hooked up to an EKG monitor and literally stood at her bedside 24/7 and had the MD on the phone at the same time,basically just have her room like an ICU room.Her ailments are the ills of old age,osteoarthritis,I can't fix those things,just treat the symptoms.I guess I get tired of feeling like I dont' do "enough" I just don't know what "enough" is.
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Oh Jeanette! Girl you said it exactly how I feel it...I think we must be kindred spirits...last night I could not go to sleep and then it hit me that all of this was bothering me a LOT more than my Mama...and that, as you said, most likely she did not even notice they didn't come and then had they come and there been any drama that is something she definitely does not need, nor do I. I saw something one time on Dr. Phil about people who, at the holidays, have an almost mission to make plans to make an appearance at everyone's home and thereby disrupt everyone's holiday season and that those people are, in fact, arrogant and rude because they are assuming everyone wants to see them and cannot live without a vision of them...I am misquoting the good doctor...but you get the drift...kind of like saying "I know you all will die if I don't let you see me so here I am in all my splendor"

I guess it has just always smacked of rudeness that my family has always been the last one on the list to be seen and if they run out of time then we are just out of luck...and so next year I vow, never again, don't even plan it...Christmas is a busy time so just do your thing and we'll catch you whenever and then they plan it and then, you got it, they don't show up...rude and arrogant for sure
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