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I am trying the tough love approach with my parents. I am still in recovery mode after having surgery, but I was able to drive from my house down to my parents as they live about 6 houses from me. I left off some grocery items that my sig other and I picked up at the store earlier in the morning when I was renewing some pills at the pharmacy [otherwise we wouldn't have gone to the store].

Well, guess Dad thought I was 100% ok since I drove down to their house, so he wanted me to take him for a hair cut. Nope, sorry, Dad, maybe in a few weeks because I still can't drive on the main roads yet, still have brain fog from the surgery. Then I mentioned if he and Mom were living in Ashby Ponds [retirement community] he could walk to the on-site barber shop any time he wanted. Dad said once again the place sounds nice, maybe in a couple years they will move.... let's see, in a couple of years they will be 95 and 99. Makes me wonder what universe my Dad lives in... [sigh].
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Looking for suggestions on what to say to a friend whose breast cancer seems to be worsening. She isn't a close friend but I use to ride horses with her,she has completed chemo but to afraid to get surgery which she needs and now emails me a tumor has been found on her kidney. I just don't know the words to write her, I feel as a nurse I should know what to say but right now I just sit at a loss at what to write. I have emailed her I would try to help her with hay or feed,tried to think what would ease my mind if I were in her situation(I would be afraid for my pets). I almost didn't email her because I knew I wouldn't be getting good news but didn't want to distance myself from her just to keep from having to deal with it. I just don't know what to say.
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I am kind of glad all the holiday hoopla is over and hopefully things can return to as normal as they ever get....Mama is not eating much lately, so that is troublesome. She is not responding to much of anything these days EXCEPT for when I am in pain...which from what I have read with dementia and alzheimers, is pretty common....laughing at inappropriate situations...this morning I woke up to a sprained ankle, from what I can't remember. I fell in the kitchen last week but did not think anything happened as a result of that...nonetheless I am walking with a severe limp today which of all things is bringing a smille to Mama's face...and as freakish as I may sound...I am glad...it is so hard to see Mama so despondent...and now that she is not eating........I can't deny I am worried...again....all this time I have tended to sit right here with her, kind of like I am watching for something...and I need others opinions....I think I might need to just make sure she is comfy and has what she needs and not force her to eat when she does not want it..but I need to be about my other household activities to keep my sanity....I can't just sit here looking at her...while she lies here and just stares at me....I am praying hard because I think I am entering what could be a really difficult phase of this disease with her....
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Hope can you talk this over with the hospice social worker and if you are ready ask the RN what she thinks about these developements. follow your heart Hope that is all you can do.
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Veronica yes, I have talked to her nurse...Mama has had a cold, and anything these days is rough on her...but while you can try and be positive, I think it is important that I be honest with myself too....she is obviously frail.....I feel she is declining. The nurse told me I am doing all I need to be doing....I just hate that she is now getting to where she does not want to eat...but I know it is not good to force it on folks either....yall pray for Mama and me.....I know God will give us strength to get through what we have to go through....I was just hoping it was not gong to be this soon.....maybe it's just the meds she had been on wearing off...just knowing I need to be prepared....
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Texarkana, been there, done that, wearing the pink t-shirt... when I was dealing with breast cancer I preferred to surround myself with people who would be saying "D**n, that really sucks, tell me more about what you are going through" because that was exactly how I was feeling and it was a good opening line to get me talking. I needed a sounding board because everyone else was tip toeing around me.

I hated it whenever someone said to me *just relax*, those became fighting words to me because there was no way to relax. Or if someone said *you will be ok* because how would they know how I will be. Yes, I was grumpy, and with good reason. I was also dealing with aging parents during that recovery who I never told about my cancer.

But I was also opened up to new ideas, such as looking into new diets, like the macrobiotic diet, mainly vegetarian and eating seaweed [which is a required taste].
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hope you are honestly preparing yourself for what you know is to come and as the nurse told you you are doing everything right for mama's comfort and that is all you can do. i was jsut afraid you were in denial and felt if only you tried harder it would make a difference. Many people towards the end of life really don't want to eat and we automatically feel we should encourage them to keep their strength up. actually the opposite is true. It is part of natures way of ensuring bodily comfort by not overloading the body with nutrition they are becoming unable to process. people often say "If only we could have an IV she is so dehydrated" yes ahe is dhydrated but if you load someone up with fluids it puts too much stress on the heart and can cause a build up of fluids in the body which is very stressful. Dehydration is actually good at this stage because it releases endorphins that contribute to comfort. don't change your behaviour or routine Mama is used to that and probably hates to see you sitting looking at her with sad eyes. Just keep talking to her and loving her. you are making sure her journey is peaceful by walking beside her for as long as you are able. Think of it as driving a dear friend to a train station going on to the platform and giving a hug through the window before the train pulls away. You can run alongside but the speed picks up and you stand there with tears in your eyes waving till it goes out of sight. Mama is getting ready to board that train so cherish the time you have left and let tomorrow take care of itself. You are starting the very hardest part of caregiving.
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Tex this morning I was listening to public radio and the national talk show host had the program on death as it seems he recently lost his spouse as while this isn't about cancer he had a rabbi on who addressed the difficulty of saying the right words in this situation and he said what people want most at difficult times is to be touched and that is what they will remember vs saying some awkward words. It was a good but difficult program to listen to this morning. I think when a serious illness or death occurs people are not comfortable with touching the grief stricken and make it up by those awkward phrases we have all heard.
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For any who is interested the website is onpoint.wbur.org and it was hour 2 January 2, 2015 "how we Grieve".
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When my friend had breast cancer I treated her like I had before she had the cancer. When she talked about the cancer I listened. I felt helpless in the face of it and so did she. We were both hopeful. One thing I remember so strong is she asked me if I wanted to see her scar. I told her no -- that I hadn't wanted to see her before the surgery and I didn't want to begin now. I still wonder if I should have looked at the scar. She may have needed for me to see it.

I miss my girlfriend. She lived for another four years before the cancer came back. By that time I had moved out of town. She came to visit me and I went to visit her, but I always felt I let her down by not being there for her. I know it is a silly thought, since she had a wonderful husband and friends to help her. I just wish it could have been me helping. I'll never get that opportunity to be close again.
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Hey all. I am on hour 36 of "I can't believe she won't sit the hell down". Needless to say, I am tired. Can't help but think she's HAS to be more tired than I am though? waaahhh... I finally closed my door at 3:30 a.m. and hoped for the best. She just couldn't click it off no matter what. Weird though, it's like she's being stubborn to the 100th fold? Her eyes take on this glazed yet intense blue eyes piercing look... scary. She was talking non-stop the entire time. When asked who she was talking to she just said "that man". Yikes :( Her p/t carer was here yesterday and today and noticed the same thing. Nothing has changed, her medicine was upped a few weeks ago and so far I thought it was all going so well.

I've been battling a sinus infection with the headache from hell so that doesn't make anything better.

Well... If this is the happier New Year they can take it the hell back! :p
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my aunt isnt doing so well right now . i think she should be in the dementia wing instead of sitting at the nurses station in a wheelchair nodded out but pia wont even visit the dementia wing , just envisions it as some kind of asylum . i told the nurse with the dirty knees yesterday that they could be a little more assertive with pia if they wanted edna in the dementia ward . pia is an idiot but an idiot is usually pretty easy to bluff .
i took a day off and hor heather and i screwed 2 inch styrofoam to my inside bunker walls . the heating difference is phenomenal . a concrete block only has an r value of 1.7 . double block walls only provide 3.4 . 2 inches of styrofoam added an additional r - 7 so for the first time ever its really pleasant in here . i work out in the cold , i dont need to be cold at home too ..
supposed to get set up to lay stone in a basement today but with 100 % chance of rain im not too sure which direction we'll be going yet .
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There was a humanities class I was in my senior year of high school which dealt with the the stages of death and dying. The class had to participate by role playing. It was the year my father was fighting his battle with cancer. I was able to withdraw from the class and did since we were living those stages of death and dying. I didn't have to 'play act' any role.
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Mama still has her cold, but wanted something to eat (drink) this morning...she looks a little brighter today and is resting well. bless her heart, but I am so thankful she appears comfortable. Her little cat is right beside her, snuggled up...she seems to bring her comfort.
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Hope animals are wonderful when you are sick they know just the right things to do. I once smuggled a puppy into a patient's room in the days when that was a great sin.
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I'm really not appreciating feeling like a teenager again! I have lost all of my independence and freedom to do what I want when I want to do it.
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Oh how I wished my Mom's hearing/eyesight were better, it is so very difficult to communicate with her. I can communicate with Dad but Dad isn't very helpful when it comes to grocery lists or items needed from Target, he figures that's Mom's *job* knowing what items to buy, so he doesn't pay attention... [sigh].

Mom understands the concept of computers and that I can place my order on-line... but for a while she thought I called in her and my grocery orders. Oh my gosh, imagine telephoning in two large grocery orders :P

I have to chuckle when Mom refers to the people who pick out her groceries at the on-line service as *she* or *her*, wouldn't Mom be surprised if it was a big burley guy doing her shopping :)

Now I want to do the same thing with Target, order on-line and have UPS deliver. Mom still thinks I will be driving to the store and going inside. Then Dad chimes in if I am going over there, for me to stop at the bank to make a deposit. TIME OUT. I am not driving over there. I am still in surgery recovery.... [sigh].
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Every time I call my Mom and ask how she is, she sighs and says, same as always. It's so depressing. I dread calling her.
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Cmshul,
theyre old , dont feel well and a bit depressing but your mother needs you like never before . my mom has been gone for a year and 1/2 and i could really enjoy her fussing and complaining right now . in fact i wanted to ease up on her dying comfort meds to talk one more time but that would have been cruel . her body was shutting down in stages , she knew it was the end of life and only an ass would have let her come " to " again . listen to your mom . times have changed but human nature has not . shes a genius by any measure ..
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Thanks captain. That's a different perspective.
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Cmshul maybe Mom is finding it depressing to have you calling and asking how she is every time. She's the same as always bored and hurting. Nothing has changed except the date. Can you perhaps start with a different question. "Hi Mom has it started snowing yet?" you can ask about her swollen feet later in the conversation.
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Captain...oh so true. I can remember back when Mama never seemed to stop talking...about everything and about nothing. I always listened but definitely there were times when I felt like I was going to start rolling my eyes or hit my head on the sheetrock ...and I also remembered thinking there will come a day when I'll wish she was here to talk to me...and she is still here with me, but she doesn't seem able to talk to me anymore...how i long to hear her voice...and I wonder what she is thinking...she just lies here and looks at me and I think positive loving thoughts and try my best to convey them to her in words and in thoughts as if by thinking them hard enough she will "grab" them from my mind...I pray she knows how much I love her...

Just before the holidays one of my cousins was talking to me about how she didn't realize Mama had gotten so frail and it made her want to hug hers all the more and make sure knew how much she loved her...I just got a message this afternoon that her Mom passed yesterday... I am in shock...her Mom seemed so much stronger than Mama and yet she is gone...I guess I say that to say we never know when we are going to be called home...and so it is important to never miss a moment to let folks know how much you love them. I will also confess that tonight when my brother called to check on Mama I decided I was the one who got wound up the other day and I apologized to him. I am glad I did. Life is just too short to hold grudges or be hurt at someone and I think seeing my Mama so frail knowing I could lose her at any moment makes it all the more real....I'm not wasting one more moment being angry...at anyone....
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my mom was 16 yrs old during ww11 . they lived on a dirt farm and only survived by the logs , ginseng , sassafras , etc they could harvest from the forest . my aunt edna still has the familys ration booklets . i never fully appreciated how much hardship my mothers family endured till about 8 months before she died . an older man at the junkyard i was working at , upon hearing my mothers age ( 81 ) pointed out to me that she had been thru some dam difficult times . then i began listening to her stories in a whole different frame of mind . yea, they had a hard life . my mom lost two fingers to a chopping axe when she was ten years old . grandpa had malaria or some kind of bullshit and the whole family had to kick in to help him make the mortgage pmt . aunt edna has been thru it too but shes a little different . shed kill squirrels with a slingshot because ammo cost money , and of course i learned my food preperation / canning skills from edna . my mom struggled , edna made dinner happen . i love them both but edna is a fkn national treasure and a pioneer girl if one ever lived .
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You know Veronica...that is true...even now, when I am tempted to start emoting about things that might be distressing to Mama, I talk to her about the day, the cozy rain, the fact that it is supposed to get cold again next week, etc...I'm not going to lose any moments talking about the inevitable..who knows, God could call me home before my Mama...Life is so uncertain...every moment such a blessing...no time to waste, no precious moments to lose.....
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hope,
youre struggling now but you will be content beyond words when your mother is no longer alive . my mothers wisdom helps me every day of my life even tho shes gone . just last week she told me to styrofoam my bunker walls . lol . her voice in my head said " theres no need to freeze your ass off to make a point about frugality . get 100 bucks worth of styrofoam d*ckhead ..
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Captain, I know there are a lot of moments these days when I can feel my Daddy's wisdom coming home to me...even though he has been gone 18 plus years now...I do know that life goes on...and the bad thing about loving folks so much is the pain that you feel when you lose them...but I am so thankful to have had the parents I have had...and in my heart I know I will be reunited with them again one day....I have to hold onto my faith more now than ever....Mama seems comfortable ...I'm so thankful for that...
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Glad your mama is doing better hope, you take such wonderful care of her.

I miss intelligent conversation, heck I miss any sort of conversation...when my carer comes over for those few short hours 3 times a week I think I talk my head off to her. haha, the other day I jokingly told her it's like "paying for a friend". Sad thing was she said I wasn't the only caregiver that had said that to her. We tend to get so isolated... I think I can speak "dog" better than English now. hehe, reminds me of the movie, "The Emperor's New Groove" where Crunk speaks squirrel "squeak squeakity squeak squeakum squeakers".

Cap, I love your stories about Edna, I'm tellin ya, write a memoir of all this stuff and leave it for your grandkids or heck, publish it!

My grandmother, also named Edna, had a big cherry farm here in Oregon, she'd tell us how they would feed the soldiers would camp out in the orchard and he'd feed them big pots of horse stew (meat meat was I guess very hard to come by during that time) and in trade they'd do farm work for them. Oh, also how when fishing the Columbia River they'd use a horse pulled tractor to pull the giant Sturgeon in. Nowadays Sturgeon are pretty scarce here...

Truly that is one thing I miss the most... hearing about the old days. My dad could talk and would talk for hours about them, him being in the Navy witnessing the first nuclear bomb in the pacific, fishing off the ship...

I think my antibiotics finally kicked in since my head doesn't feel like it's going to explode from pressure and my eyeballs no longer hurt :) What if I really really get sick? What then? That scares me also.
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Jeanette sometimes i think we are twins...I can so identify with everything you are talking about...when our hospice aide comes to bathe Mama three times a week, I will talk, talk, talk, talk..and I even hear myself thinking I need to cool it and stop driving her nuts but I can't help it...it is nice having someone who answers me...same thing at the grocery or anywhere I may find myself...heaven help whoever might say something to me....and even if they don't I find myself just starting up a conversation....

I miss my Daddy's stories about the old days too...and Mama's...so many of the aunts and uncles have passed as well who used to talk about those days...how I miss those stories.

I'm glad you are feeling better Jeanette...yesterday my ankle was acting up on me and for most of the day it honestly felt like I had either sprained or broke it...it must have been a pinched nerve because after a decent nights rest I felt ok today..but yesterday I was worrying if something had happened to my ankle what on earth was I going to do...it was all I could do to change and bathe Mama because the ankle hurt so bad....I think you and I live parallel lives sometimes J... :)
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Hope you are such a loveing and lovely person. Even in your darkest hours you reach out to others and I am sure those who know you light up when they see you comming. If I could I would hug you in person you are such a treasure.
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Capt how I remember those ration books. everything was rationed from food to clothes and furniture and linens. You gave up so many points when you brought anything. there was a special kind of furniture manufactured call "utility furniture. It was very plain and had marks on it like packman but it was really strong. When sheets became worn in the middle they were cut in half and turned sides to middle and finally used as rags when they were threadbare. olsd sweaters were unraveled to make new ones for the children. this was the worst for me mother cut down her old dresses for me to wear. she was not a good seamstress and all she did was turn the hem up, so I went to school in old lady dresses. Her knitting was not that great either, it would probably have been better if she had bothered to use a pattern. I did follow her example in reusing clothes for the kids but the difference was that I took the garment apart and used the material to cut out new garments. i only stopped making things when I discovered thrift stores. When some one asks me what my style of decorating is I usually say "Early Salvation Army"
Your Mom is certainly still keeping a good eye on you isn't she? She probably worked out that it was cheaper to spend the $100 than have to use more wood that you could sell heating the bunker. You definitely should write that book!
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