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I am sad to say that I feel the same way. I just don't think I have it in me to care for anyone like I have been with my mom, again. Someone wrote something the other day about going thru HELL with her mom and then her mom passed away. Then, her sister came to her with MS. A sister who never helped her when she could have. Someone got upset with her and called her selfish for not wanting to help her sister. I don't think she was being selfish at all. I totally understood how she felt. I have a brother with schizophrenia who lives here with us and has made my life a living hell on top of trying to care for my mom. He is very nasty, tries to cause trouble for me in every way he can. I know he is sick, but I am done with it. I have had a lifetime of him. My biggest worry was that my mom would pass away and I would be here , caring for him. There is no way that that is going to happen. I will leave that job to my other brother and my sister, who have done nothing to help me. I don't feel one bit selfish for it either.
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Big hugs (((((Sally))))). I know that my own problems are small when compared with other people. I don't know how well I would cope in your situation. I don't think I could.
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I for one have been feeling the same way. It is very hard to admit it though. What a blessing this site is to me. Some place I can go where people really do get it. Hope, I raised my kids alone and now they are through graduate school and beginning their professional careers. At 51 I am very content being by myself. I do have my sweet puppy, and my 3 grand pups. My favorite thing is going for a walk with them. They don't ask for much but they give so much in return. I too find it hard to relate to other people these days, present readers excluded. I have been forever changed taking care of my mom for the past six and a half years. I have no interest in watching the news as it just depresses me. I like the old black and white movies and baseball and football.and I love gardening and reading, spending time with my kids, my mom and the furkids. This is all I need in my life. Funny how when I was younger I always thought I needed a man to complete me. Had a very rough childhood followed by several rough relationships. As a child I liked to spend a lot of time by myself. Funny how that has come full circle. Now I realize I am meant to be alone and I am perfectly okay with that! It is wonderful how freeing that is. I think what I have learned is to be my own best friend. I don't have to be everything to everyone and I do not need anyone else's approval for anything.I have realized what matters and what doesn't. What a relief it is to finally settle in to myself, accept myself, and live with some sense of peace.I did read the compassion fatigue article and it was very good. Makes me feel like I'm not such a bad person after all haha.
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I was reading a bit on caregiving and came across a few articles that likened it to PTSD. It's also been mentioned on this website, the feeling or better yet, the lack of feelings and PTSD. Yep, I too have the lack of emotions. Almost like being in a robotic mode all of the time.

"Fifty Shades of Nay"!!! bwahahahahaha!!!! FUNNY!! and so TRUE! haha, I remember a few years ago I posted about having a caregivers dating site. How naive I was a few years ago. LOL I barely feel like brushing my hair, NEVER wear make-up and all my cute clothes no longer fit.... there will be no dating for me for quite some time, if ever. It would be so much more fun traveling to New Zealand with hope!!

Got a text from my oldest brother... he was asking what time I wanted him to come by and sit with mom, now normally I would just text him back but for some reason I decided to call him. He sounded so nasally... I asked him if he just woke up or if he was sick, well.... he's got a cold and I had to tell him he could not come over here if he wasn't feeling well. Seems his wife had been really sick, then my other brother got it and now the oldest. There is no way I am taking any sort of chances with mom.

Nojoy3, I like what you said.... there is a fear of commitment, which I believe is brought on by this experience. Time will tell though.

Just wish the sun would come out for a little while... that would recharge some of my batteries :)
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dee, you nailed it!! Actually all the post's this morning are spot one the mark!
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dee, I'm glad reading about compassion fatigue made you feel better about yourself.

This emotional state of compassion fatigue takes place not only to caregivers but also to people in the various helping professions.

I'm afraid that while some find ways to deal with this, get recharged and become more seasoned, there are others who become hardened. I had a therapist once ages ago before I got really into being in therapy who pointed out that I needed to learn how to be seasoned without becoming hardened, but I did not stick with him very long.

I noticed on college that some of the professors who taught courses for those studying various helping professions were sometimes hardened individuals who were very emotionally insulated and had gone into teaching following their experience of compassion fatigue. Back then, I wondered why they were so distant and impersonal, but now I think I have an idea why.

I wish everyone well in dealing with compassion fatigue.
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So funny - I feel the same way. After caregiving is over, I refuse to be responsible for anyone but ME. I have never, ever lived alone in my life - ever. I lived with my parents, then immediately had a family right out of high school, and even after divorce, my kids were always with me except for short visits to their dad's. I've never had more than a month by myself in 44 years. Some days, I can't wait to be completely alone, and then I kick myself for feeling that way, because I know being completely alone means mom being gone. I'm not rushing that by any means, but some days the "caregiving days" seem to stretch out endlessly before me, with no end in sight.

Sis just informed me yesterday that she can't take Mom out of the house for a ride anymore, because she's not comfortable driving our van, Mom isn't comfortable riding in *her* van, and I won't let her irresponsible husband drive ours, either (Mom doesn't like him and I know she won't want him driving the van, so I won't even ask). There goes one more chance for a break, short of me hiring a caregiver so I can leave the state for a few days to see my son. Looks like that's going to be the only break I can get from here on out. I'm grateful for it, because I know others don't even have *that* opportunity, but darn it - it shouldn't be so hard to get a break when family lives so close.
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Jessie - your comment about emotional detachment was spot on. I think some of it is trauma related - at least in my case. I've been through so much in my life that now, I just try to keep emotions at bay, because if I let myself "feel" things, I'm likely to become a basket case.
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As much as I try to keep emotions at bay I am my Mom's caregiver because I am a "caring" person...and even when I try to ignore all morons (siblings) I somehow can't shake their selfishness..
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My whine of the day is my extended family's persistent belief that the reason we haven't got more help coming in is that we can't/won't spend the money. Aaaaarrrggghhh. Mother is not rich, no, but she has plenty enough cash for that sitting idle in a bank account. The problem is supply of caregivers for hire, not cash flow (and that's not a whine, that's a full-blooded rant which I intend to take up with any politician foolish enough to approach me prior to this year's General Election). I have abruptly stopped being polite when people 'helpfully' suggest that my POA siblings need to get their finger out and hire more care. God knows I'm free enough with my criticisms of my dear brother and sister, but that isn't one of them.
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Seriously needing my caregiver helmet today. Told mom she should get up and go for a walk into the kitchen (it's the only exercise she gets, and if I don't tell her to do it, she won't - unless I'm sleeping and she sneaks in there to get something to eat). I gave her an orange about an hour ago, and when I told her to get up and walk, she headed in there and grabbed another one. I asked if she was hungry, because I could fix her some lunch. Her response: "No. I'm not hungry, I just want an orange." Um...ok. (sigh) I *really* don't want to go to the point of hiding food...but this is getting ridiculous. She won't eat unless I prepare it, but if I *offer* to prepare it, no, she's not hungry, but she's going to eat something anyway. Talk about convoluted thinking.
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Jeanette, it was very smart of you to tell your brother to stay home. It's not worth your mom getting sick!! Take that from someone who just spent three days in the hospital with my mom because she caught a cold! There is alot of stuff going around out there now and when the elderly get sick, it can be deadly!!
Assandache, I can't get over my sibling's selfishness either!! I have to learn to let it go, however , as it does tend to drain some of my much needed energy! I need to stay focused on the good things...I'm so lucky to still have my 93 year old mom, who is relatively healthy most of the time. Despite her dementia, she still knows who I am and loves me to pieces. They are the ones who are missing out!!
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cmagnum, I just had an ah-ha moment when I read "they were so distant and impersonal" regarding compassion fatigue. That could explain why my sig other acts the way he does, especially at times when I really need him when dealing with an illness of my own. He tends to be very angry with me. He's has had a lot of deaths in his immediate family. Now that also explain probably why his late wife had hid how really ill she was.
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I got to see my Mama smile at long last again towards the late morning...That alone gave me what I need to keep going for a while longer....Compassion fatigue, sounds about right...looking back through my life, I have also been in "helping" roles forever it seems.. Animal abuse issues, homeless programs, volunteering, volunteering, volunteering....it's just part of who I am...I think it is part of who we all are or else we would not be here doing this...I hope I do not become hardened. And as dee said, it is actually quite nice to appreciate being alone...I have been alone pretty much all my adult life anyway and I actually enjoyed it...I'm not a people hater or anything but I just enjoy my solitude..I also don't have a lot of patience with folks who dwell so much on things that don't matter in the long run...appearances, position in society, etc....I'm just one of those who enjoys the most simple of things and as boring as I guess it is to most folks I thrive on it because I can always entertain myself...

Well, the visit has ended and it went ok, as usual, didn't go anywhere, as usual, one reason is my car is acting up and the last thing I want to do is get stranded or have my engine blow up on me. My truck is also on the fritz..why do they always go at the same time. Brother did check out the car and it appears to be some sort of sensor related to the fan...

Jeanette...pack those bags, we will be off to New Zealand one day...I love traveling with a friend or alone..I don't need a man to complete me either...Most of my friends always seem to go nuts when they find themselves without something to do..Not me, because I can find or invent something to do. Even as babies, Mama told me my brother and I were very different...he required all her time, constantly, always fussy, always crying, sick a lot...on the other hand she said I was perfectly happy lying in my crib looking at my hands and feet for hours....haha...she used to tell me she was thankful I was such a joyful little soul because my brother required so much of her time...so I think it's kind of fascinating how that turned into a lifetime thing...he has always required a lot of attention and such from everyone..I have always been a loner...and I love it....

Now that the company has gone, Mama is napping and I am about to get my blanket and grab a furtot and enjoy some good tv....it is starting to cloud over a bit so I might even live it up and take a nap....so happy with the smile I got from Mama...that is what I needed...exactly!!
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Hope, I got the next best thing to a smile - an appetite at suppertime :) - so I know what you mean about the morale-boosting. I can't quite stretch to saying it makes it all worth it, but it certainly beats trudging back to the kitchen with an untouched supper tray and my heart in my boots.
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Got my mom up and showered, manicure and pedicure. Got the brilliant idea to run the self-cleaning oven since it's 40 degrees here today and I thought I would take advantage of the heat wave, throw open some windows and get some fresh air in here. Forgot how bad oven smells when cleaning. And that it always sets the smoke alarm off and scares the furkids. But it's almost done and i made lasagna with homemade sauce so supper's all set. Still have to clean and finish laundry but I'm obviously not rushing it.
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My mom struggles with chronic constipation. Sometimes she will think she has had a baby instead of a bowel movement. Tonight she said well, what did I have? A boy or a girl? I said you had a bm. Without batting an eye she quipped - must have been a boy! Haha! I love it when her old sarcastically witted side comes out!
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LOL! Mom's on a roll. Asked me if she was pg, i said no. She asked if she was ever going to have kids and i said you have 7 kids, ma. She replied 7?! What did i do THAT for? She's such a riot sometimes.
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cm, I feel you on the food preparation. Their taste buds sure do change and their dislikes far outweigh their likes. This is exactly why I started making batches of "shakes" for mom. It's mostly ALL vieggies and fruit so it's sweet and you know the elderly love sweets. Just add a nutrition shake to the mix and you've got a mighty fine meal. If you get really lucky, they'll eat some regular food to go with it. Hmph, this has me thinking now.... after all this I may resort to never cooking again.

dee.... LOL!!!!! Now that is too funny! Mom and I do the same d*mn thing!! I did read as they progress further in their disease the bowels stop working as normal as they used to. Even with stool softeners it's hard for mom to go. Haha, I have sat there with her and told her to just push that baby out and she'll feel better and forget all about it :) It's cute when they get silly and witty... like asking who the hell is that wrinkled old lady is in the mirror?... Uhm, you mom, and she replies, oh the hell it is!, I'm younger than you are!

I've been pondering this whole alone thing... I've not ever been alone either, this is about as alone as it's ever been for me. I truly think one can grow spiritually, physically and mentally living alone for however long suits them. Once we learn how to be happy with just ourselves true happiness will always be with you/
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Yes, it is about being able to be comfortable in our own skins, isn't it? Thanks for the reminder!
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Jeanette, it was a scrambled egg. Just the one. I conned her into it by telling her that Pansy, our bluebell hen, had laid it specially and I wouldn't know what to say to her if it went to waste… (God will strike me dead). The thing is, once she started eating she was ravenous and finished it in seconds.
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I have been so much more at peace since I learned to be my own best friend.
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dee, that is very true. Many would find more peace in their life if they would focus more on being their own best friend instead of waiting and destroying themselves while trying to get someone to be someone that they have never been our entire life. We can't do enough of anything to make someone be the loving person that they never were. In the end, if we lacked that, we must treat ourselves like such a loving person would have.
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I've been more at peace since I've learned "acceptance". of what is... and what is not.
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s'wat the va video in the waiting room was talking about the other day jeanette . STRESSORS . some you can control , others you cannot . elder care drew a strong mention . you have precious little control but your ability to adapt is without rangeposts . i think your home situation is as rough as any ive ever saw on here but your attitude is no less than the best -- ever ..
hope many good things come your way both now and later ..
your mom is very fortunate and probably admits it occasionally in small ways . shes lost her mind and youve selflessly lended her yours .
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First of all, I am very thankful for what God has given me, a wonderful husband a few years ago. But he died and my kids from my first husband wanted me to be near one of them. OK!! I sold our home, the car and moved to be near my daughter. Then moved again to be near my son. I am back in WA state near my daughter. Ran out of most of the funds I had being a vagabond. I am living in a Sr apartment which the rent is too high for someone on S.S. I haven't made an friends here. I don't know what their problem is, as I think I am easy to get along with. I spend a lot of time writing. I have written 6 books published by CreateSpace. They don't do any editing unless you pay them. I need to ask how much for just fixing typos. Two or 3 women here have read some of my books and said they liked them. The problem is no one is fixin' to buy any. That is OK, too. I enjoying trying to be a little creative. It is the loneliness that gets to me. I need someone to cut up with. Most of these old folks here don't have much of a sense of humor. I guess they don't under stand this Okie. I hope all is well, Don't take life too serious, It is too short especially after 80. I will be 83 next month. I miss my husband, my family in Oklahoma and my independence.
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Mom's been talking nonstop for half an hour, telling me this really long, very, very detailed story about something that never happened. Where does she come up with this stuff? Really fascinating stuff sometimes.
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As some of you know from my recent posts, dad has taken a dramatic downturn this week.. he is really too much for us now and MC Is coming tomorrow to do thier assessment. I will be calling the Dr also about some of my concerns.. several days ago he was able to go out with us and feed himself. today he fell twice. My whine is that this is doing a number on my hubs.. he asked me if we would ever get back to "normal", and to let him know when this might happen. This is so hard on everyone, and now he sees it happening with his folks too. He just lost his job (maybe God has a plan) and so is able to help with the lifting and potty stuff, but it is freaking him out. I just hope my marriage survives this! He has no problem with Mom, but she is still sharp and funny. I hate this disease.
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pamz, even though I "liked" your post, I really didn't.

Something is def going on with your dad. Even though it seems like things happen overnight, it really doesn't. Have him tested, blood, urine... the whole gamut. Maybe he's dehydrated? It just seems odd how fast this happened. Please keep us informed.... my mother is basically where your father is. Uhm, about hubby, if his parent's are nearing where you dad is... well, maybe this is the new normal and you both have to work together to keep peace and happiness in your new normal life? Gosh, maybe it is easier doing this while single? Sorry luv...

Cap, thanks bud for your vote of confidence on my attitude... it wasn't always that way. This site and the others whom are dealing with their loved ones has helped me immensely. I don't think my situation is worse than others... I am more talkative (on here) about it. For the longest I thought my mother was the only one that stood in place and shuffled (on the creaky spot) but lately I see others posting... and pamz's dad had a 36 hour marathon. Perhaps mom is just a bit farther along, or maybe... who knows, AD is different from dementia and Parkinson's? Plus, let's not forget how we were when we were younger plays a part in how we are with AD.

dee, it will get more fascinating :)
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Thank you Jeanette! I was able to get a urine sample today. And hubs is hanging in, just alot on him too that he is just now really having to deal with.. His dad is 91 and mentally ok, mom 89 with ALS or some form of demetia ( on aricept but no tests) And some funny business with BIL and wife. I'll keep you informed and you and FF are really alot of help to me lately, as is everyone on here!
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