My "whine moment today." What's yours?

oh Hope, your poor mom - and poor you with all that laundry! My mom's day pales by comparison, with her 5+ pairs of undies in the laundry (so far). Today was rug washing day, so I've been laundering rugs and mopping floors all day - a little at a time. Feeling a little less "puffy" this afternoon, but still not back to normal. Hopefully by tomorrow.

The day started off great....and got better, then took a sharp nosedive....I am exhausted...I don't know why but I can deal with poop better than throw up...I can't even say the V word....ugh...this too shall pass......

I look bug eyed now..kind of like one of those giant cicada bugs....

I agree hope, days that I feel well I will try and look well. Most days I just don't feel like it. Let's all pray the guy needs his money badly enough so he will bring you the truck!! Sorry your mama is under the weather again... sigh, this is the hardest for me cuz my mother hasn't been feeling well either.

I've noticed the worse mom get's the more withdrawn from the world I am? Wonder why. Now is when I need people the most yet I seem to just keep quiet and to myself. Sigh.

You'll enjoy a little tiller hope! perfect for little area where you want to plant flowers, perfect for larger garden areas!! I may just plant double this year.

I've got your weather and apparently you guys get mine!

Susan, once your mom starts wearing her depends the correct way/at all, the laundry will lessen. Other things will increase so it's always a trade off :/

Hope, I am hoping you and your Mom feel better soon! I also hope you do not really look like one of those giant cicada bugs...brings back those thoughts of the teenage drive in monster movies from the 50's!!
It is almost too cold to do any laundry here as I am afraid the drain will freeze and then the water backs up after it drains from the washer onto the laundry room floor....This happened last year. Hoping no disasters will require washing....
Jeanette...that sounds like a fun thing to do....I had never heard of it before...interesting!

Whew, I finally got my Dad to change primary doctors... I liked his former doctor but the drive was too much for me to handle.... the new doctor is just down the street which is great as I am comfortable driving to that location.... the doctor isn't a geriatric doctor but he's a bright young fellow with excellent bedside manner. When this doctor found out that Dad [93] was outside shoveling, he read him the riot act... good. Maybe now Dad will listen.

Now I am waiting for Dad to straighten out his Rx mail order pharmacy as it's a new one. It's been 3 weeks and Dad is still messing with it. Of course we kept telling Dad not to wait until the Rx bottle is empty before he re-orders, but sure enough he did.... and we kept telling Dad to use the automatic re-order that the company had offered, but he never did. He's been without one Rx now for 3 weeks. I got his prescriptions from the new doctor, all I need is Dad's Rx card to show to the store front pharmacy.... Dad doesn't have such a card. Where's my helmet !!!

Katie, there is a website... just google geocaching. You can download all the coordinates in your area and go on a giant treasure hunt. Last I remember it was a lot of fun, maybe not as fun doing it alone but least it's doing...

Geocaching what a neat idea. Maybe I can get hubby interested he is wedded to his
GPS. That would put it to good use!!!!!!!!!!! Not in this weather though.

Yes, that sounds fun to me too Jeanette...A tiller and the geocaching...I could use a fun project...

Katie....the teenage drive in monster movies from the 50's...that's pretty much an accurate description today...It has just been one of those days where I feel like I am going to blow a gasket...only this time it won't be on my truck or car...

Speaking of which...yeee haaa.....the man called and asked if he could bring me my truck...I said...oh, I hate for you to have to do that...(smiling to self here) then he brought it and so all handled!!!! woooo wooot

Jeanette, speaking for me only here, the worse Mama gets the more withdrawn I am too. and it is hard to figure but I just feel flat emotionally...flat flat flat. I have come to learn that Mama is probably going to only be saying one or two words a week at most...it is killing me...sometimes it feels like watching her pass over and over and over and I feel a little like I am losing my mind....and then she perks up and I hit the reset button and then it starts all over again.....

It's all part of it, I know..I'm not complaining, I promise, but it is so hard...I feel like I am sitting on a bomb.

hope, me too... me too. I hate thinking in advance of her death, but it plays over and over. The flat I feel is towards my family now (not my mother)... and always wondering will my brothers come, what will I do without her, is she going to be with dad? Am I going to be all alone when all is said and done due to PTSD from the death of both parents in a short time? Caring for both? Better yet, will I make it through her death, mentally unscathed?. That will be a big NO. This, I already know.... maybe fake it till I make it?

Geocaching is fun if you like fun puzzles. Oh they do at times give you clues and not just the coordinates. You'd be surprised how many cache's are hid in Wal-Mart parking lots in those big light poles, under Postal bins, up a high tree (my fav) and in plain sight. Some I'm sure you've seen before but never knew what was hidden in that odd looing spot. Yes... I think I shall print up a bunch, find a inexpensive GPS (can I use my IPhone for a GPS)? This is my goal tomorrow since my carer can't come ... I will do it Friday and Sunday. Then till in the evenings before dark. We do have some more cold weather on it's way laterrrr next week so I might as well get a head start. Be productive. Shed my inner slug ya know?

Sitting on a bomb? Oh h*ll yes... either our mother dying or us. Tic toc

gals ,
it takes a lot of time to put your own life back together after your parent passes . i just tried laying down for a while and my brain started ' time - lining ' my last few years and my moms last years and months . i can relate to where your at right now . the sorry a** siblings , losing your parent before theyre even gone , the isolation , a very intense part of your life . im a year and 1/2 post and id go back and do it again . ( caregiving )
im content and feel like my life has nearly gone full circle . whatever years i have left are mine to do what i want -- but probably not geocatching . probably continue working on my house . thats when im happy , when something is being built . i aint gonna clean the sob but i love building them .

Oh I feel for you all thinking about your mom's death. I play this same movie over and over in my head!! I was wondering what the heck is wrong with me?? Why am I doing this? I should just be enjoying every waking moment with her and I do so much of the time. But every time I hug her and look at her I ask myself what am I going to be without her?? And then I also plead for someone, anyone to take me out of this misery!!! That's when I'm deep in my "whine" moments! Because I don't want this misery to really end as that will mean that she is gone and I just can't face that! Then I think "Will I look back on the misery moments and think that they are paradise moments compared to what I will be going through without my mom?" It's terrible. I also feel like I am getting so out of shape and just YUCK most days! I keep telling myself I have to take that "me" time that the articles keep talking about. But when??

Thank you Cap. I cherish your insight... why do we timeline? I lay in bed at night and do the same except I timeline as far back as my memory will allow me to go... I'm scared I will get it too, AD. Apparently my grandmother's sister had it, now my mother... please God let is skip me and hit a tree.

Sally, wow, you made a valid point. All carer's need to keep themselves in shape, however hard it is, we just do. Mentally, physically and spiritually.

Ha, you know I'm just trying to convince myself.

Cap, it's my wish you find a nice gal whom will truly appreciate the beauty you have inside, as well as love geocaching just to make your a** go :) Team Player!

Sally, Jeanette, Captain...yep..on all comments....it is so intensely insane to feel like my Mama is already gone when she is right here...and as much as I absolutely KNOW she cannot help any of it, there are times I even feel angry..normally its at the sibling and family and friends who abandoned us both, but I actually find myself being angry at her and I don't understand that at all...I am so ashamed for saying that but it is like why can't she still be like she used to be?? I was supposed to move home and there would be time to be together and enjoy it...and now there is this sad, almost angry look on HER face even, sometimes almost like she hates me....that's why I say sometimes I think I am losing my sanity...I am like you all are saying, the incredible sorrow and sadness I am going to feel when she is actually not here any longer...and I pray I have been able to stow away enough to have a few weeks to pull myself together enough to carry on...because I know it is going to take a lot longer than a few weeks, but that may be all I can swing....I'm not sure how I am going to process all of it..sometimes I think I am going to become a hermit, sometimes I think I will just disappear and let everyone wonder where I went, and sometimes I think I'll just be here, doing the SOS over and over because why bother anymore...my brother will then have no reason to come here, and I have no use for his wife any longer after the way she has treated my Mama...just so many variables...but I guess you can't think too far ahead, if you do you WILL go nuts...I guess for today all I can say is we made it..again...for now I am just trying to keep her hydrated as she does not want to eat..I don't know if this is a bug or if it is yet another down turn....so totally helpless, almost lifeless and all of it feelings like my soul is being slowly sucked out of my body. And now when it matters more than it has ever mattered in my life, why now, do I find myself wondering...is there really a heaven??? I can't believe I said that...I have always believed I had a lot of faith...and now of all times I find myself doubting...because if I thought this really was all there was..I KNOW I would not make it.....I feel like someone needs to slap me up side of the head ....

re; heaven ,
if i could get my wishes the furthest im going is a green burial in my own little orchard . the only thing ill need for the afterlife is a sump pump and some worm repellant .
green burial is legal in indiana with the proper permit .
one thing for sure , i dont want a funeral industry profitting from my death , and cremation takes an assload of natural gas to completely burn you up . neither of those things are in concert with nature .
this little house is a miniature castle . on the next hilltop about a mile away sits my first castle themed home . theyre both bitchin but id be happy to be put in the ground on this place . i deserve to be , i built it .

In all my 51 years, my father was my first death. First close to me "oh my God he died in my arms" death. I didn't have a fricken clue as what I was supposed to do. I knew what he wanted and that's what I gave him. It was the hours after his death... how does one deal with this s**t? I called the funeral home, within hours they where here and he was gone. Me? Heck, I crawled up in there with him. If I knew better, like now.... I would have let him rest here much longer than we did. Yes Cap, he was cremated. On that subject, there is one funeral home in this town ( Dad went to a town 20 miles away) prior to his death I'd seen this funeral home, saw the giant billows of smoke pouring out of the chimney. Gads! I see it now and I literally cringe.

They do not allow green burials here... not for humans or pets. We took dad way up into the forest and sprinkled him around a tree. Tacked his pic with is 3 bucks along with his obituary. Shy of 2 years later he's still there... the flowers although long dead can still be seen in the branches of the tree.

Is this healthy talking/typing about this?

Hope, I have felt angry too at my mom for not being who she once was. In fact, I can't seem to fully comprehend that she is not who she once was! I get mad at myself every time I expect her to be like she was before, which to me, doesn't seem that long ago! You are an angel and believe me, your mama knows that you are there with her every single day and every step of the way!!

Whine: it's six in the morning, mother has pressed her call button twice in the last ten minutes and both times had no idea why. Tricky. If I take it away, what if she has trouble breathing or pukes or something and can't call me? But if she doesn't know what it's for and is pressing it out of curiosity… Oh boy.

Yesterday I was talking with my sister about mother, and her prognosis, and the practicalities when she passes; and thinking aloud I said I'd have a bumpy ride for a while figuring out what on earth to do with myself. She said, right out, "but won't you be relieved?"

Er… Well, kind of. But not really.

Will she be, I wonder?

CM,
the primary carer will feel relief ( for the patients sake ) and shock that they lived thru it . everybody else will have chicken and pie . ive not felt any real grief because i was there as mom lost her QOL and health day by day .
jeanette,
smoking chimneys sound pretty middle aged . our funeral parlors dont have chimney that i know of . they probably haul the bodys to the indianapolis trash incinerator and buy bags of organic ashes to fill urns with . after all ( imo ) the funeral business is a faith / fear/ profit type industry. id be fine with being cremated , it just seems silly to burn up more of the planets resources even as your leaving it . ditto gas guzzling funeral processions .
im not joking about a green burial at home . i dont care to ever leave here . for me this is " home " . if you hacked out a clearing and built the home yourself youd probably feel the same . if not a green burial at least id like my ashes left here , maybe in a bag of mortar or a poured stoop . this home is a symbol of a dad and his kid getting back up after a terrible smackdown and starting over . it means more to me than the first one . the first one has an aura of deciet and spousal betrayal to me .

I think we have been somehow mourning the death of our parents while they are still alive for a long time. Once they were no longer the way they used to be, healthy and independent. Thirteen years ago I was told my Mom had 6 months to live with a sarcoma. All that time I had braced myself for her dying...then it looked like that was not going to happen and here it is thirteen years later and she is 92 but has been rapidly declining since last summer, now bedridden with all kinds of health problems though she seems ok mentally. I feel like I have been in mourning of sorts for over a decade. I am often bracing myself for something that doesn't happen. Almost feels like a car accident happening... but there is never the impact and I am always flinching for it. I worry that it is wearing me down.

Capt I agree about the funeral home business but remember thay do have to swallow the cost of those $250 Medicare burials.
At least in our area funeral homes do not have their own crematoria. Also they mostly don't have refrigeration facilities. That is the reason they push for embalming so quickly.

Wow. You guys. I have been feeling so many of these same feelings. I thought I was alone but you guys bring tears to my eyes. There ARE people that get it! I'm so thankful for finding this site and connecting with you all. I'm so tired. Hope, what you said about being a hermit, disappearing, questioning your faith/is this all there is? I've thought so many of the same things. Aside from my kids and the furtots, there wouldn't be anyone that would wonder where I went, let alone miss me...that's not self pity - just a sad fact. Oddly enough, I'm ok with that. They will "get it" someday when they are in the same circumstances. I am becoming a stronger and better person from being a caregiver.

( swallow cost ) = tax shelter .
im not trying to imply that the industry is evil or crooked , just largely unnecessary , at least for my purposes . 7 k will almost buy a piece of property with a rundown shack on it here .

The past comments on this topic have been some of the most real, gut wrenching and honest I have seen and had on here and to be honest, most helpful...because so many of them have been things I think about but dare not say out loud because if I do I'm afraid they will happen.

Captain, I am 100% on board with what you want when you leave this world...or maybe stay here in some other form....when my brother told me I needed to buy some burial insurance because they didn't know what they would do if I passed...and I told him..."hey, nobody gave a flying fart about me when I was alive, why the heck do I care when I'm gone what yall do with me...Roll me down the hill into the woods and let the coyotes drag me back to their dens to feed their pups." he chewed me out and told me I was horrible and never to say such a thing again. I told him, hey, who cares when I'm gone..plus no muss, no fuss and the babies get to eat and I'm gone anyway and to be honest I would be more than fine with it...otherwise just cremate me and sprinkle my ashes in my pet cemetery. I meant it. I was NOT joking. Still mean it...I am going to buy my own tombstone to put beside my parents, just something to be close to them in the church I grew up in. It will be small, tiny and I will put something on it that is "me"...because I know my brother might buy a rock at walmart or maybe a used concrete block and paint my name on it and that would be ok too....but I'm going to put a kitty angel on mine, maybe something like "I told you I was tired" and that is that.

dee...I have always said that.. i have always been a pretty private person, and I know that were it not for the fact that my brother does call to check on Mama, were it not for her, it might be weeks before anyone would notice I was gone...my brother mentioned that too and I told him, who cares...the cats can eat til someone finds me and I have a list of folks who will help rehome them. Actually that is my main thing I hope in life, that I am able to live long enough to take care of Mama and that I would not just drop dead because I hope I am able to place my kids in homes where they will be loved and cared for. Other than that, I'm pretty good to go whenever.

Jeanette, I feel like I have spent most of my life watching people I love pass. I began losing my grandparents when I was very very young...all I seem to remember was a lot of people coming around who I had never seen in my life and a lot of casseroles...aka chicken and pie... (captain that made me laugh) I used to think and even asked Mama why do people bring all that food when someone dies...Grandma and Aunt so and so can't possibly eat it all...she told me it makes folks feel better...I asked her who were they trying to make feel better.... I still wonder about that one...

My parents were old when I was born so they have been somewhat older in my eyes all my life, which was fine, but it meant my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. were all older and so began passing and becoming sick earlier than most of my friends..Even now it seems all my friends Moms are in their late sixties and going out with them and having girls days and nights out and I never knew how that felt. I have felt old all my life...Now I feel ancient...and only in my fifties...that is not old...but it sure feels like it. Jeanette, when Daddy passed, (he passed at home too) and I remember them covering him with that sheet and we all sat there and waited for THEM to show up and finally about an hour later the ambulance or whatever rolls in he was gone....after he left, and the house seemed dead, everyone just started drinking coffee and milling around like NEXT...and I went in there where his bed was and just curled up on it..his cat was there too. My Mama came in there in a few minutes and literally started yelling at me...yelling !!!! told me get my behind up and get myself together... I still remember that to this day...it was a really bad experience...Mama was, looking back, very very cold to me when Daddy passed and I never understood that...she was there for my brother, but not for me...and now, look at who is here for her...some things eat at me like a cancer...

i dont plan on dying for a while but moms death shows me that there are things i need to get arranged . the va might pay for cremation for me , a green burial might be a possibility but it would have to be arranged and finances in place for it . i frankly dont care about ceremonies or remains either but dont want to leave the sons a legal mess . no one knows the future . we have a good local attorney who could walk me thru any scenario . he only charged mom about 250 . 00 to prepare a will but needed 2500.00 more to execute the will . not unreasonable imo but i dont mind calling it a " necessary racket " . property has to be legally transferred and requests made with the courts . im not very interested in a nh , institutionalized living is my idea of captivity . id rather die at home and if they dont watch me carefully i might expedite it a bit . its going to be legal to medicate yourself " out " in just a matter of time . as it stands now only a hospice nurse can make the decision to medicate you out . thats as stupid as it sounds .

oh wow Captain..I did not know that ..re the hospice nurses...in all states??? that's almost frightening to me....they don't do it on their own volition I hope...

Yeah, all the ceremonial hoo ha after someone passes is irritating to me...all the hoopla, all the crying of people who, as I said, I had not seen in years, or at all...THEN, when whoever passed could care less, THEN they come, all dressed up, bearing gifts of casseroles, paper cups and plates and all kinds of good wishes...and requests to "let them know if there is anything they can do"....I think I must be a horrid person...but when people pass whom I hardly knew I usually do not go to the funeral home...if the person is someone who was a beloved family member of someone I am close to, I go of course, but then I was there throughout the illness too...I always felt it was shameful to avoid someone who was sick and then after they pass, show up and tell the family they wanted to come sooner but could not bear to see "them" like "that"...that happened to me a LOT of times with Daddy...one of them a lifelong childhood friend whom my Daddy literally treated her like a niece...I would say a daughter but I was his daughter and he always let me know how much he loved me.. :) but this jerk never came to see my Daddy whatsoever...she is one of those big shots who married money, is lazy as the day is long and never had to work in her life...but she's a fancy butt big shot..anyway, that's kind of the behind the scenes joke..the way she and her mother always show up at everyones funeral in their finery and a lot of times they don't even know the people that way..it's a social event to shine for them...I just wanted to slap the crap out of her when this "friend" told me she wanted to come see Daddy but it just hurt too much to see him like that.... what a selfish b*tch...

Mama's bug is still lingering...one of the stomach ones...I am managing to keep her hydrated and am glad the doctor comes today for her recertification. Maybe he can give us some insight . I was just about to try another respite session for me so I can get her to safety while I allow myself to have a nervous breakdown, then comb my hair and get ready for her to come home...now this....I can't put her in respite when she is frail...I'm too fearful of losing her while she 's in there..and I don't know if I could ever get beyond that....so I'll have to shelve my nervous breakdown for later....

CM, I went through that very same dilemma. When mom started the up all night pacing/falling I installed a motion detection camera in her room. If she got up it would send a text to my phone alerting me. I put up with it for about a month, getting upwards of 20 texts a night took it's toll on me. It's still in there but the text alert has been DISABLED!

Ah Ha! That's what it is. We've all been shelving our emotions while we care for our loved one. I can just imagine the damn breaking when all is said and done. Not gonna be pretty that's for sure. With my daddy's death it was much quicker than this is.... he passed just over 5 months after I arrived here. He had excellent mental capacity but the cancer destroyed his body. He knew he had it but never saw a Dr until the seizure's started and I had the paramedics here taking him to the ER. It took 2 trips to the ER before they saw the cancer in his last remaining kidney. They at first said it was his heart. Nope. If I hadn't of told the ER docs that dad confided in me and told me he could feel a huge lump in his lower abdomen, they'd probably still say it was his heart. He was so emaciated by then that you almost could see it from the outside. What a strong stubborn man he was and yes, when my brothers tell me I am just like him, I take it as a compliment. Thinking on it, again, I don't think one can be prepared for the death of a parent. It's surreal... , I had my SIL help me clean daddy up, change his clothes to his favorite jeans and western shirt and put his favorite hunting cap on. I loved that man and I love my mother but I am taking care of mom because dad asked me to. I know how hard this is on a somewhat healthy person, can you imagine having advanced cancer and doing it? Mom was still pretty okay(ish) back then, but still.... she'd get lost going for a walk so dad would tell her she had to stay in view of the big windows here so he could see her.

This particular funeral home is the ONLY one in this small town and it's been here forever, so I tend to think they do cremations right there. This chimney I see is not a normal looking chimney, it's a big tubular shaped metal(ish) chimney and when I say it billows out smoke I mean it's shooting out at a high speed and you can see the heat monkeys dancing, plus you can hear it. Since it's the only cremation place here I would have to assume what it means when I drive by and see that happening.

Cap, I don't plan on dying none to soon either, but I do need to get my affairs in order. They can just sprinkle me up there with daddy. I'd better get this all put down in writing and paid for or else I might end up swept up in a dustpan and tossed out the door.

Yeah, I'm not leaving my mother alone for any extended amount of time either. I will still take my 3 hours 3 times a week but after that, I get a feeling that it's time to start mentally preparing. Not that it's going to happen right away but I do see another decline. Sleeping a lot more, drinking less and less, and eating less. She still is up half the night but not pacing around since she can't get up from the bed by herself any longer. Now she sits up and talks talks talks... I have to get up and lay her back down because she doesn't know how to lay down on the pillow and stretch out, she will just lay straight back with her feet off the edge which causes them to swell....

Let us know how it went with your mama hope. It would be nice if the doc can give you some good news, either way it goes.

Well, Mama's doctor almost got a shock this morning...He usually comes to see her around noon. I had plenty of time to get a nice hot bath..or so I thought. I was running the bath, so did not hear him knock or come in (yes I forgot and left it unlocked) anywho...I was about to get in the tub and remembered I needed something from my room so I started down the hall...au naturale......and suddenly heard someone talking to Mama...I scampered back and threw on my clothes and sure enough there he was.....boy he about got more than he bargained for.....dodged a bullet.....

bahahaha Hope!! I have to admit, I've done that more than once. Our bathroom door opens out into the hallway and directly faces the front door, with a wide open window (no curtains, because I sit next to that door at my desk and like to see out) - so more than once, I've left the bathroom while mom was sleeping and snuck down the hall to my room to grab some forgotten item....only to come back down the hall and hear knocking at that front door just as my girlie parts were about to enter the doorway where they could be seen.

I have visions of the cute UPS man doing his own "scampering"....down the sidewalk at full sprint back to his truck in sheer horror. LOL