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I think many of us feel this way, Katie. I usually try to hide it from myself, but there are times I'm honest. It has been over five years now living with someone who feels miserable 24/7. When I'm realistic, I don't have the hope that this will enrich me spiritually in some way. That's just a carrot someone tied on a string.
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That is such a perfect description Katie222! Sometimes I feel the exact same way...that I am in a tornado just getting hit by anything and everything.

I look back a lot to the "good old days" when life seemed like such a breeze compared to now in so many ways. And yet, I still have my mom so for that I am really grateful.
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Wow. I'm so grateful for the ability to escape. I have my MIL who next.momth will be 98. I'm surw I've said it before. She's not on ANY meds. She's just miserable. Complains 24-7.Nothing is good, nothing is pretty and on and on. I have neen where you all are. My mother was sick and i moved in with her. She lasted 10 months. I would do ot all over again. She was only 59. But this old lady. If she had it her way she'd be burying me. My husband is here for 2 weeks and in Florida 2 weeks. So she's on her nest behavior when he's home. When he's not, i go to Yoga on e a week. A Reiki massage every 2 weeks. I was diagnosed with MS. I have to take care of me. In 2011 i suffered a smal Heart attack. That's enough. She pushed too hars and i allowed her to. Not anymore! I like my time with my husband when he comes home. Of he's not going to be stressing over her then meither am I . I have dealt with the tornado effect. I can't. My music careies me where i need to be and i don't care that she hates it. It is what it is. Please, everyone, try to ha e a good Holiday. ♡
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Tell your husband to get his mother some help and let you live your life.
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Went to pick up my parents grocery list. It seems like each week for the past year I tell my parents do NOT use the store grocery newspaper ad as your guide, as the on-line service doesn't follow that grocery ad. And there on the counter are cut outs from the newspaper grocery ad.... guess it is hard to break a 30 year habit of reading those ads :P
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Mom comes back tomorrow from a week at my Aunts.. seemed to go pretty well except for the the birth certificate/passport stuff for this trip they planned. Hubs and I got reconnected and alot done. I am hoping to get a 4-6 week rotation of visits set up so both hubs and I and my Aunts family get a break once in awhile. Wish me luck!
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Okay, my "whine" moment for today is actually, "I hate":

I hate that I have spent my vacation time off from work caring for my mother,
I hate that during this vacation time and my days off I cant sleep as late as I want to because if I don't get her up by a certain time, she will have an "accident" which is even more work OR she will ring the call bell freakishly early.
I hate that I am the only one out of my siblings that bath her.
I hate that I have spent my whole vacation wiping her butt and feeding her.
I hate that I am the only one who buys food and plans all her meals for her.
I hate how she sits there looking all lost and pitiful with me, but as soon as my brother's come around she perks up and is full of conversation.
I hate how every moment of my life has to be planned and/or schedule.
I hate that I cannot go to bed when I want or if I fall asleep I have to wake up and put her in bed.
I hate that it is 70 degrees out and she has the heater going in her room and I can barely breath when I am in there.
I hate thatI have "lost" me
I hate how tired I am. In my mind I want to do so much but am just so tired.
I hate that I can't do anything spontaneous
I hate being resentful towards her and how manipulative she has become.
I hate that when I look at her I no longer see the mother that was so close years ago.
I hate that I became so depressed I had to rely on prescription pills to help. But then I didn't like how it was making my body feel so I stopped taking them. I am not one to take medicine.
I hate the fact that I want a relationship, but just don't have the energy to be pulled in yet another direction. Tried it and it was just too much.
I hate feeling this way......

Thank you for letting me vent (whine).....
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Hi girls/guys, things have been more abnormal around her than ever...

I got up around 5:00 A.M. this morning and flopped on the couch so I could be closer to mom and listen in on whatever it was she was chatting about. She was talking to her Aunt Emma... Emma passed a good 40 plus years ago. Then she said something to daddy. None of it was decipherable except for the names, those I understood. Her Nurse came by today and thought mom was more "alert" than normal, still chatty but non understandable. She's also been more agitated than normal *gulp* I just want to wrap my arms around her and hold her...
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I have not seen any posts from Hope lately?
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jeanette ,
as horrifying as late dementia is i still have the feeling that the patient ( altho visibly agitated ) still exists in a state of bliss and disconnect . hallucinations could be natures way of deadening the reality of end of life .
i took my aunt a root beer two days ago and she said it hit the spot and if she sipped at it gently it'd probly last her for a month . i asked the nh to check for uti cause thats pretty similar to when she told me she was over 300 years old . a uti was the culprit back then .
this is my second elder in as many years to suffer terminal dementia and i honestly believe they are in less trauma and pain while hallucinating than they were beforehand .
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This could very well be true Bob... and yes, horrifying is a gentle word for late stage AD. Mom doesn't have a UtI (this time) I've been giving her 2 pills of AZO since her last one. They are equivalent to 2 glasses of cranberry juice and is supposed to keep the urinary tract free of germies.

This seems to be different.... lots of moaning and yes, the hallucinating. Plus she calls me by my name most of the time instead of referring to me as "she".

You are so good to your Aunt Edna.... it is so nice to see a mature man take such good care of their ladies.
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The post from Goldengirl1 really makes my heart ache...so much hate towards their mother who can no longer use the bathroom and feed herself. So sorry you lost your vacation time to do what your mother can't do.

A lot of the times they become manipulative in order ( in their mind) to make up for all the functions they've lost.
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Hey, we understand. People's relationship with their parents differ from person to person. We can't let our relationship color what we think other people should feel or do.
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I agree, however, it didn't color it. Just made me wonder how someone could have such a huge list of "hate" and still caretake for a parent.

My mother wasn't the best most caring mother, she actually devoted more to my dad than any of us kids. I left when I was 17 and never went home. I guess I am more on the empathetic side ... we all do what we have to do, but if we are doing something that carries that much negativity and hatred maybe we shouldn't be doing it? Just an observation.... like, the more we hate our job the less likely we will do our best.
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When I read that post, I think 'despair' not hate. But depression is something I don't understand.
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I think I get what GG was saying at - as though she were telling us so as not to let it get through to her mother. I agree with her, actually. I hate all those things too. I do my best to *ignore* them, count up all the other things that I don't hate, understand the reasons for the things I do hate so that I don't feel persecuted, all that kind of thing - but they're still there.

I'd love to sleep in! I'd love to spend my time off sleeping and gardening instead of shopping for mother. Where is my little pile of fragrant new paperbacks? - and why do I nowadays find What Commode? magazine such compulsive reading instead?

But I meant just to drive by to ask - how does toothpaste get on the bathroom *ceiling*? Never mind the why, for now. But ***how***?
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I really believe that GG does not, of course, hate her mother, but the situation that she, (and so many of us now), finds herself in. I often wish that my Mom were back to where she was even just one year ago able to walk and cook simple meals for herself and live on her own Heck, I would settle for her being able to get onto a commode. .How fast things can change and then they linger on in difficult mode leaving one to wonder why and how long. Mom was always the rock of the family. When they become completely helpless it tears one up and yes, I hate the situation we have found ourselves in and my Mom does too. I ask daily "why must it be so rough"???
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CM I put money on the fact that Mum did not put that toothpate on the bathroom ceiling, but before i point fingers i do remember your daughters just visited.

Jeanette all I can do is send you a big hug. Mom is probably enjoying those visits with those who have gone before. Those who can still describe unworldy visits are in no way disturbed by them
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My whining, decided to join a forum because I've passes three days like a robot, taking care of my mom's needs (she's in bed) with a gastronomy . But I've just done nothing else, I feel I'm dead alive, feeling shaky and wanting to stop the clock., just laying down and doing nothing. I tell myself get hold of yourself and do this or that, I get up and then stay letargic again Thanks God I got into the Internet sign up and reading you all. It just something that happens in every family, I'm eating g so much junk and she's always hungry...
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Katie, I don't think GG actually "hates" her mother either. Hate is just such a strong word and that was quite a list of hates. When it's that overwhelming and close to being burnt out, it's time to find some respite so all that resentment and hate doesn't consume your every thought. I certainly wasn't trying to downplay her emotions, perhaps maybe put things into a different perspective and plant the thought that a respite is due.

Yes Katie, a year ago would be nice... I remember back then how resentful of everything and everyone I was. People coming and going, packing for camping trips, fishing, hiking, VACATIONS...then I realized several things. This isn't moms fault and this isn't the end of my life (hopefully) I read several insightful books on AD/Dementia as well as Hospice end of life books. It made such a huge difference in how I perceive her actions and my own. I know what's not far from now, I've been preparing mentally for it as I know I will surely fall apart... but the death of my mother shouldn't mean end of life for me, I have did everything I could to make my mother as comfortable and loved as I possibly could. There HAS to be several more chapters ahead in my life, there just has to be and I don't want to start it with a crappy attitude on life.

Veronica, thank you for the hugs...
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Gosh Susan you're sure having a bad day. Well, once you vent. It feels better. I know the feeling and worst when you find a smiling friend who doesn't hesitate to tell you how well her kids are doing or the degrees they've achieved and then asked and yours? Making you feel willing to run away...
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Veronica, you're quite right - I figured it out eventually: gesticulating while on cell phone. I just hadn't realised that she could keep talking even while she's cleaning her teeth. But there's been a recent break up with a boyfriend [thinks: GOOD! He sounded *horrible*] and maybe one of her friends hadn't had the whole story...

They've both gone now. Sigh. I miss them terribly, but oh the peace...
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Nasty dirty thought just crossed my mind. I wonder if they ever put them down!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Forgot to whine. Hubby has got whooping cough, had it for weeks but only just went to the Dr. Absolutely driving me nuts with the coughing. He is not sick but if I have a cough I have to go out to the garage to hack my lungs up.
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i wouldnt try to water down anything . the last months of my mothers life bout fried my mind . if you gals / guys get exasperated and lose a steam valve i totally understand .
a year and a half after my mom passed away i can tell you the ordeal has made me just a little bit more patient . there have been many times since that i recognized and appreciated that patience .
my renter continues to put me thru some paces . i may ask her to leave eventually but im not flipping out and making an ass of myself over her silliness . im still a d*ck but more calm and calculating and less sporatic . im semi erect instead of a blue vein throbber .
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57Twin, I do recall one of Hope's last posts saying she wanted to concentrate fully on keeping her Mom happy and comfortable now. I do hope all is going well for her.

Jeanette...I agree that there are other chapters in life ahead. I try to not lose sight of that thought while I am caregiving now and tell myself that right now this is what I must do. I try to keep a balance this way saying it is this way now but later there are other chapters.i think about different phases of my life and how things never stayed the same. This gets me through each day no matter how difficult it often gets and makes me appreciate the time I have with my Mom right now. You are right to not start that next chapter when it happens with a bad attitude, and can feel good evermore for all you have done for your Mom.
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I would just like to thank everyone who gave encouraging words, a hug or just understanding of my previous post. I have been taking care of my mother for the past 8 almost 9 years, by myself, until 6 months ago when my siblings had no choice but to help. My feelings and emotions were all over the place on a daily basis. Some days I was so frustrated, angry, upset, depressed, sad, hopeless, etc. So for almost 9 years I kept all the feelings bottled up because I had no one to talk to....and then I would feel guilty and ashamed because I had these feelings and thoughts. So I was very relieved and happy when I found these caregiving forums. The first day I stumbled upon it, I just cried as I read the post. I just kept thinking, "I am not alone, and their is nothing wrong with me." I loved being able to post about whatever was bothering me or on my mind, or just feelings I was having for that day, that moment, without being judged. Their are some posts that I can truly related to and their are some that I can't, but I empathize because although our lives are different, care-giving is real for everyone. So I never judged, or frowned upon anyone's post....because after all that was their post, their life, their feelings.....We can not judge anyone on here because we have not walked in their shoes and we do not know the full detail of their situation. Hence this forum to free your mind so you won't explode or have a stroke/heart attack or to get words of encouragement from someone who has been there or is going through something similar.

I could tell the people who understood where that post was coming from....not once in my post did I say I "hated" my mother....I have been carrying for her for almost 9 years. Like I said it has only been since 6 months ago that my siblings stepped in on a regular basis....and that being because she basically needs 24/7 care. During this time I have also been a single mother of 2. It wasn't until 3 years ago that I took on a full-time, career job. Before that I gave up several jobs in order to care for her. My siblings take turns being with her while I am at work, which I go to at 4 AM and work until 1230 PM. I am in nursing and work with Spinal Cord Injury patients. I am then with her for the rest of the day and night. My mother is chronically ill with a respiratory disease. She will eventually die due to her lungs shutting down, her heart giving out or her body just getting tired. She is not demented and is in her right mind. There is a lot she could do, but she CHOOSES not to do. She has assets so she does not qualify for Medicaid which would pay for home health, nursing home, respite, adult day care. Medicare and her private insurance does not pay for these things except for skilled care.
So, with just a brief overview, there are many things coming at me on any given day. Some days emotions/feelings get overwhelming and one just needs to let them out....
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Goldengirl, I hope you do not think I was judging you... I wasn't. I was observing the use of the word "hate" and I was hoping you'd find some time for respite for YOU before these emotions become all to much.

If your mother has the means or outside caregiving, then she needs to use them, or YOU need to use them for her/you. Even with assets she may qualify for services through Senior Aging and disabilities. Use all help you can get....

There are way too many of us that DO walk in your shoes everyday, some are filled with more muck than others.... so, if you thought I was judging you, I apologize. From your words I felt you were/are very close to burning that proverbial candle on both ends.
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I saw in Sunday's "Parade" newspaper magazine an article "The Cheater's Guide to Living to 100" about people wanting to live into their early 100's... the article painted such a bright rosy picture.... talked about a woman who is 104 who is still bowling, etc.

The article gave ideas on how to reach that 100 mark if you are still in your 50's, such as good veggie/fish diet, exercise, etc..... but not once did the article even mention serious memory issues which none of us have any control over.

With so many of us in that 50-70 range who are dealing with the stress of helping elderly parents or a sick spouse, I doubt many of us here would even reach a 100.... I doubt I would even reach 90 or even 80.
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theres a new life ahead for all of you . there will still be the same stream of annoyances but after the challenge and accomplishments of elder care you'll smackdown those annoyances and stay focused on repairing your life . there is everything to do , not the least of which is retaking control of your emotions . im 2 yrs post and its garden time , my first in 7 years . gettin " it " back slowly and methodically . you will too .
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