My "whine moment today." What's yours?

I know all about the sisters & brothers who "hogged" the bedside while my dad lay dying. Not a one of them was the least bit interested in visiting him for about FIVE YEARS while he was in the NH. And before that, another 5 yrs, they came maybe once. When mom & I knew the end was near, we DUTIFULLY called them all up to let them know, this is it.......felt really strange after just she & I had done all the HARD WORK for about TEN YEARS. And then they all came running (on mom's credit card, of course) and crowded around his bed, reading Psalm 23 like they had been there the Whole Time. I'm sure God was like, Yeah, who are you all....OK I am just a little judgemental here and I know I ought to be boiled alive. Just saying. If I thought about their Moral Cheapness too long, I would probably go insane. So I choose to remember all the small things I did with and for dad, and mom, those last 10 yrs (well, even before that). I talk to him now & then, especially when I feel stressed about all I have to do for mom. I don't care what the sisters & brothers think anymore. I see their cheap glittery cards on the table come Mother's Day, Birthday, and Christmas, and it is completely and utterly MeaningLess.

Mother's Day cards grrrrr…

Last year my mother got one from my brother in SIL's handwriting that essentially said sorry we won't be seeing you, we're having a big party for Grandson 2's 30th birthday and you're not invited. And the picture was this mildly irritating sexist joke about how hopeless men are at ironing. I just said oo look a lovely card and put it on the mantelpiece; fortunately at that time mother was too tired and ill to insist on reading it for herself.

This year, though - we have ours in March, just before Easter - it was a pretty photograph of lily of the valley and "thinking of you" in brother's own handwriting. Ok, yeah, big deal; but I was pleased he'd stirred himself that much at least. Got to be grateful for the small victories, no?

I think I shall quietly skip Mother's Day. I my heart body and spirit I love my mother... no reason for me to upset her trying to make her remember something.... it is in our hearts now.

Well we can all look forward to no more cards or mother's days when we get to Heaven, and the siblings eyes will be opened to their actions (and ours too, to things we may not realize ) and then we're all gonna drop all the nonsense and get down on our knees in front of the Best & Brightest & Biggest Greeting of them All. I can wait (have a few minor things to finish here, like my taxes....) but sometimes I know my mom would rather be there sooner.

i bought my Mom a rose bush, and a Star Gazer Lily [her favorite]. There's a parade of flowers in bloom right now, in the backyard. Each day, i pick a small bunch and bring them indoors for her to enjoy. We have a sunroom, and i've got the supplies for her to start indoor gardening. i know it's a long shot, but her gardening [both veggies and flowers] is a strong part of her spirit. i can't let the day go without it being special in a small way ~ one that i can make a very nice day for her. Even if it's cleaning out the pantry or a closet that needs to be changed from winter to summer clothing. Oh yes, i've still got taxes to do, too. Sad, but Mom i was never born, that i was dead, or that i'd just go away. i'm disabled, and she is too: she had her rotator cuff 'ripped out of socket' when she had a traumatic fall 12/1/14. But she won't do what the PT/OT/nurses tell her to do, and i get nowhere. i'm not letting go ~ she's 88 almost blind, one usable arm ~ and it's the pain or the 4 strokes changing her. i spend a lot of time praying and crying ~ but she doesn't see that part. She'd just tell me to 'get out of here it's my house.' Hard to take at times ... definitely hard. She was my best friend and we travelled the world together. Blessings to each of us. And tissues for the tears and bandaids for the things that get hurled at us.

My whine moment....but been stewing about it the last 3 hours. I've lived with my 85 year old Mom for the past two years. She has not been diagnosed with dementia, but she is very forgetful about turning off the stove, recognizing items, and remembering recent conversations. She does not drive, will not take public transportation and has never paid her own bills nor reconciled bank statements. I pay her bills, clean the house, mow the lawn etc, clean the pool, take her to doctor appts. and food shopping. I work full time and I had a day off today to run my errands. I got home and there was a note taped to the kitchen cabinet. Mom got up from the sofa and wanted me to read her note. In the note she said she wanted me to get rid of my storage boxes in the garage and "extra" furniture in the house. She felt she was being buried alive. I took a deep breath and reminded her that I moved from a three bedroom home and the boxes in the garage were what was left of my belongings i.e. pots and pans, dishes, books and personal effects. Incidentally, half of the boxes in the garage belong to her! It is a three car garage and all the boxes don't even take up one car space. As to the extra furniture in the house, the two armoirs are in the extra two bedrooms. There is more, but it is so very distressing to think that I'm being taken advantage of and I'm just trying to help her. She cannot pay all her bills either, so I'm helping her financially too! I really very tired of her control antics and am having difficulty being civil with her. Help!

Claire - thats dementia for you - get her diagnosed honey
Cricket what a lovely idea a sunroom garden fabulous
Mallory I shall miss seeing you in the afterlife - there's no way St Peter will let ME in!
Jeanette while the commercial world would have you believe in mothers Day - you have practiced mother's every day you have looked after her and you have lifted her spirits, cared for her physically emotionally spirtually and financially. No Offence to anyone on here but personally I think the cards are really for people who cannot (or cannot be bothered) to visit on Mothers day
To several of you CM especially cos we are both living in UK Have any of you seen vultures gathering? Always reminds me of family who never visit until the last minute then sit there not having a clue what to do or say and why would that be? Cos they've done sweet %^&$ all for the last however many years while you have done everything.
I watched my aunt who visited for 10 minutes every 3 months or so sudeenly materialise on the death bed of my grandparents then asked the nurse to take their wedding rings off when they had died. When she refused they asked the doctor to do it. He said I can only cut them off and realistically I am not prepared to amputate something when the person is dead. He said it very tongue in cheek and Aunt left disgusted - he then promptly used oil and slid both rings off and gave them to my father who had cared for them both while holding down 2 jobs. The doctor KNEW who cared and who didnt thankfully - it was the only thing that was left to my father and he wouldnt have had those had the witch ever knwon about it - h*ll she even took the light bulbs out of their home - greed - I hate it

PS
My grandparents died within hours of each other - they just never wanted to be apart

I just spent almost twenty-four hrs. at my mom's bedside today. Every time I ask anyone how much longer, I get "We really can't be sure, could be tonight, maybe tomorrow etc.etc.

My Mom does not know I'm there. I'm sure of it now. The more I sit and look at her in this condition the more I am starting to forget the vibrant, lovely, sweet mother that I love. I was going to spend the night but sitting in that hospital room listening to the rasp of her breathing, looking at a face that already is starting to resemble a corpse. I just could not do it.

I read that some elderly people can linger for days and days in that condition. I just can't do this. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I continue.I don't even feel guilty for leaving tonight cause I know she doesn't know I'm there anymore. Its just a waiting game now.
I pray I haven't tramautized myself for life by carrying on this vigil by her bedside.

God give me strength.

Gershun it is true that people can linger - one thing is sure - no one can foretell. That said you will need all your strength in the coming weeks honey so please don't wreck your health now. She has benefited from your love and your strength and just maybe she wants to be alone to die - some people will wait and wait and then when you are in the toilet or having some food or drink then they will die - she has always known you have cared for her to the best of your ability and beyond. Don't beat yourself up for not being there it is alright for higher powers than us will know too xxxxxx Stay strong darling

Gershun, Jude has said it best. Please get some rest because you will need to be strong. It is ok to leave and get some rest and I know my own Mom would want me to be strong when her time comes.

This is either going in my journal or here. Ok, here.
Often my mother does this but this morning it really bugged me. First of all, my mother flipped what I term "the bitch switch" last night. She was lovely. So I was already not happy with her and her verbal attacks on me. So here I am trying to enjoy whatever 'me' time I can muster at 5 in the morn. At 6 (household doesn't start til 7) I hear her rustling and making her morning noises (loud and clear so everyone will know she's awake). I try to ignore and keep reading my book in bed. At 6:15 I hear her wandering in the other room. She does her quirky thing where she says loudly "Hello, hello, is anyone home"? I get out of my bed and ask what she needs. Picture this: she is standing in the middle of the room, hair wildly sticking out, shirt that she wore yesterday and a sweater wrapped around her bottom. She replies in the most nasty tone, "i don't need anything". I say why did you call out then? She turns and huffily walks back in her room. I can see what today will be like. Unfortunately it is not a day she goes to Center, so it will be just she and I all day. F_ _ _!

Reading what others have written made me think of when my father died. One of my biggest regrets is that I was at his bedside, while my brother stood at the foot. I had been with my mother and father for two years. My brother had not spent much time with him. I regret that I didn't step back so my brother could be beside him if he wanted to. And I vow that if both of my brothers are there when my mother dies that they are going to get the main bedside positions while I sit back away. She loves my brothers and I know that she would like that. And they need a chance to be close if they choose. I don't know if my brother wanted to be at the bedside when my father died, but I know I should have pulled back to give him that option. I regret that.

I had my parents every day for what seems like forever. To tell the truth, I wouldn't mind taking respite on my mother's final days. After going through it with my father three years ago, I know how hard it is.

daughter, great term. The b*ch switch. My mother can disappear from the room for five minutes and reemerge a different person. All I can wonder is what was going through her head in those few minutes that made her hit the switch.

gladimhere....I would so LOVE to take her to Center today. Unfortunately, there are no centers open today---or tomorrow. Where we live there is only 1 and they are open only 3 days a week. Sigh....boy do I wish they were open 7!

Mom is back in the hospital. Congestive heart failure was diagnosed Monday, Tuesday she was so weak she couldn't even walk to the bathroom, so it was accelerating rapidly. She is in ICU now because she went into A-Fib this morning at 4am. More later. I'm here all day and go home at night as long as she is medically stable at night.

Huge hugs Susan at this horrible time and fingers well and truly crossed for you xxxxxxx

@ Jude ~ i just love your spirit ~ so filled with kindness, wisdom, humor, understanding and compassion. Thank you for your words of encouragement and guidance to each of us: you, dear heart, are akin to a compass ~ as long as you are on the trail with us, i certainly, won't feel lost. Special hugs ~ i've nothing to whine about, except Mom won't do her exercises to stop her from falling: she needs a 'reverse shoulder replacement' ~ so she's like a bird with one wing. Oops ~ something is getting hurled my way.... duck! blessings ~ and next time we whine, can we have a little cheese with that wine? [lol ~ i know that's an old joke ~ but sometimes laughter is all we've got to keep a sense of proportion]. The computer's spelling auto-correct changes my name to crickets. [it's cricket t 33 - :-) ]

@Crickett hun why thank you xxxxxx That is really kind of you. I feel all humble now. Won't last for long the darn bell ringing .... back later

Susan, You and your Mom are in my thoughts and prayers. My Mom too was diagnosed with CHF on top of all the other problems she has. Hang in there as we are all thinking of you.

I have found that Mama likes the pretty cards too. She doesn't read anything anymore and so I read them to her...so I get one that has a picture that I know Mama will enjoy and then I write what I want to in it. I get one from my cats and sign it from the grandkits for her and she laughs at that.

Jeanette..one day at a time is all you can do...that is all we have, and your being there is what matters...I find if I think too far ahead I don't feel that I can breathe...

CM..that makes me livid at your SIL and it is none of my business. How utterly hateful to write something like that. Glad you just handled it the way you did. WTH is wrong with these people.

This morning was whackadoodie for me. I had already changed and laundered all the sheets, blankets, etc. and today was hair washing day and of all days the CNA got everything sopping wet...She is excellent so I know she surely didn't mean to do it and I am so grateful to her but I wanted to scream inside....This was not a morning I felt like doing all that over again...oh well, baby steps..take a deep breath and move on...

Thank-you all again for your sweet compassion. I sure need it right now.
I certainly am not getting it from the people who work on Mom's ward.

When all this is over I plan on contacting the media and raising some sh*t.
AND I WILL NAME NAMES!!!!!

My whine. First time post. My issues are not physical but mental. My mother uses her very sharp intellect and tongue to make sure I'm kept in my place. I'm mentally exhausted and sad. Why does she dislike me so much... And she does. I sometimes think she's jealous in some way. Sounds weird but I think that could be it. Her husband and my dad was verbally abuSive and mean. I divorced my "dad" wannabe and moved on to a wonderful man. She sacrificed relationships including her children. Although not perfect I enjoy a close relationship with my children. She's mentally sharp and has COPD but otherwise pretty healthy for 83. Sad isn't it? Wasting the time you have left alienating all who love you by wallowing in self pity. So sad. That's how I am today. Thanks for asking. And listening.

Jtqfitz hi and welcome to your first post and a good one too. Most of us can handle the physical I think - it is always the mental that gets you and to be fair I guess we ALLOW it to - not that I have ever sorted out how NOT to allow it.

The general rule of thumb is when she is rude and abusive walk away (if you can) I go to the garage and scream or I punch her koala - she hates me doing that but then I hate her being abusive so quid pro quo in my book. I am sure they are jealous because they know they are not immortal while we are still blissfully unaware of it for ourselves in our day to day lives that is.
She will be jealous that it takes her a long time to do things she used to do quickly and that is understandable. Mum used to say (before she lost the plot) that she hated me being able to do things so quickly - especially make meals/coffee/tea. I think she hated that I could do them so quickly but it transferred in the fog that is dementia into her hating me.
Don't give your mum a golden glow she does not deserve though. I try and try to like my mum - yes I love her but like? Dont push it!!!!! Keep the faith babes xxxxxxxx

So much going on with everyone it's hard to comment. For those whose days are coming to an end please get the rest advised as you need to keep your strength up. Susan my mom had CHF and was on oxygen for 1 1/2 years before she unexpectedly died. We had taken her to the ER a few days before when she was diagnosed with a UTI and A-fib. Mentally she was good but not physically. Dad is just the opposite.
After mom died I paged through her daily calendar in which she jotted notes about the weather, who called or what I cooked for them. About 2 plus weeks before she had written but not told anyone that she was not feeling good. I was shocked to read her comments as I was there daily and had no clue until a couple days before we got her to the ER.
I am lucky that Dad has always had an easy going manner and really hope that continues as his Alz progresses.
I have mom's wedding ring and had though of having my sister keep it some months and return it to me but not sure if I want to do that. She also had a loan from them for her house down payment and has POA I am making sure she continues to repay monthly as we my need that money down the road for Dad's care.

My whine moment from the other day. I was reminded of it again yesterday when I heard a screamer and a worker said 'it was a bit early in the day for the screamers'.
I brought my mother home from the hospital March 26, she is total care for now. I am still waiting for help from CLTC - Medicaid. Anyway, I have been taking short trips to the grocery only getting a few things and returning home. When I went to the grocery Monday, I kept trying to remember what I needed but was distracted by a young kid in a cart screaming then laughing about it. It hurt my ear so bad. I tried to walk away, going to another isle only to hear the scream again. I went to another isle, etc. Do I say something to the women (yes, plural) with the child about the screaming? NO, since when has that ever worked. I opened the freezer door and the child screamed again. So out came my SCREAM. I picked out my frozen dinner, closed the freezer door and went to checkout. I told the cashier and packer that I have never screamed before in a store but after not being able to escape the screaming kid didn't know what else to do and hoped they didn't follow me. The cashier started to say that screamer was nothing...but before she finished her sentence those people followed me in the line. The cashier and packer finished ringing up and packing my order faster than I had time to run my card through to pay for the order. Never seen them work so fast. I think my words about 'get me the he!! out of here!' may have sparked a fire.

im not really an active caregiver right now and according to jesse a pretty lousy one two years ago . its ok , life goes on . im drinking the cheapest beer that ever cheaped out of a square anchor hocking mason jar dated 1917 . burley is sitting in the backyard fretting over his two daughters ( snafu and alcoholocaust ) and all is well with the world . my helper didnt show up today so i didnt have to look at her ugly a** and i painted up a small storm . the equivalent of a class 4 tropical depression . tomorrow i shall try to break that record and every day therafter until they haul me off in a rubber truck .

Susan, I hope you're okay. Are your mother's doctors taking the time to sit down with you and explain things properly? I hope they'll be able to get her over this bump in the road, but meanwhile be careful to take care of yourself, won't you. Is there anyone around for moral support?

Gershun, I'm sorry you're being put through it like this. You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel natural to you; only don't forget the option of arming yourself with a good book and refreshments and just sitting by. You might be glad to have done the being there, that's all; but find your own way and don't let anybody lean on you.

I'm sorry you had such a crappy day, Captain. There is nothing I can tell you about them that you don't know better than I do so I'll spare you any uplifting thoughts - hope you're duly grateful for that, anyway!

My mother's lovely cousin is here overnight. Normally I would be so thrilled to see her but I am talked out and I just want to be on my own for a while. She's a gluten intolerant vegetarian so my normal resort of substituting cookery for proper hospitality doesn't work, either. I adore her but I can't wait for her to go.

Sister came over earlier today. I was counting on her ruthlessness to rip through mother's possessions and get at least one of the rooms cleared out; but she failed me. We both just stood and stared at slippers and photos and handbags and didn't even get started. After three hours she took a miniature of herself aged two or three that my mother had painted by an artist she knew, and went home. Never mind. In a way it's nice to know I'm not the only one with a soft streak.

Jude you make a great point. Actually several! But what resonated is your comment about hating that I can do things fast... She has commented several times about how quickly and how much I can get done. Walking away is the best defense and as for allowing her to make me feel bad you are spot on next step is counseling. The only thing I can control is how I respond to her abuse.

Here's a rundown of the day's events:

Mom went into A-Fib at 4am today. Moved to ICU so they could administer IV meds for that and monitor her more closely. I went home last night, but was back very early a.m. when they called me about the change in her condition. Tonight I'm staying at the hospital.

This morning, we fired her doctor of over 40 years. When she fell 10 days ago, I told him she passed out and fell out of her chair. He said, and I quote, "I think she fell asleep and fell out of her chair and I'm not going to order more tests." Her heart enzymes were elevated that night in the ER - that alone, coupled with passing out, indicates more testing is needed, to me - and I'm not a doctor. Don't even play one on TV. (har har - my sense of humor might be limping but it's not dead - yet.) Dr. said her heart enzymes could be elevated because of the trauma of the fall and hitting her head. Two days after he said that, I was on the phone to his office, because Mom was having trouble breathing and very tired - just wanted to sleep all day. Took her into the office, and THEN he said, "well, I guess we better run more tests" - and ordered an MRI of her head and a chest xray - that's all. He also put her on oxygen at home and approved my request for a hospital bed at home. When she was diagnosed with CHF, did he apologize for not listening to me and delaying much-needed care for my mother? NO.
Today, he was dumbfounded when he was told we wanted to remove Mom from his care after over 40 years. He wanted to know where all this was coming from - I reminded him that he said he would not run more tests, and he stood right there and said he didn't say that. I just about blew my top at him. Why would I lie or make something like that up?? What purpose would it serve? And why would I remove Mom from his care after 40+ years for no reason? I wouldn't - and I didn't. I removed her because he didn't listen to me and could have very easily cost my mother her life, had this situation turned more serious.
Mom is temporarily under the care of the hospitalist - a wonderful young woman who immediately ordered a battery of tests - echo of the heart, ultrasound of the carotid on both sides, another CT of her head to be read by a neurologist, not just an xray tech, and got a cardiologist on the case. All within 10 minutes - she did more in that 10 minutes that Mom's old doctor did in the 10 days since she fell.

Today and tonight have been rough. Earlier today, her heart rate bottomed out and stopped for about 6 seconds before they got it back again. Tonight it did it again. The weird thing is that she feels nothing when it happens - not light-headed, not dizzy, not nauseous - nothing. But when she's sleeping and it starts dropping, she turns her head from side to side, opens her mouth and gasps and moans...it's horrible to watch. She is getting a pacemaker put in tomorrow. I can't wait and hope it will help her. Tonight is *not* going to be fun. The alarms on her monitors keep going off. I ran home (as quickly as possible) to let the dog out, and she tried to get out of bed while I was gone. Argh. There is a bed exit alarm on the bed, so the nurses came on the run when that happened, thank goodness.