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Gershun, how are we going to cut this out?

I should never have let my mother go and stay with my brother for that week in December.
I should have followed my irresponsible amateur instinct and stuffed a soluble aspirin into her the second I suspected a stroke.
I shouldn't have left the hospital when she had her second stroke and I got sent home, even if it meant hiding in the ladies' room and sneaking back onto the ward.
I should have stayed with her throughout the day in rehab so that I could give her more fluids and insist on her being transferred for toileting.
I should have got her a cat as soon as she came home, even if it meant kidnapping.
I should have put my foot down and insisted we try physical therapy for longer before resorting to Baclofen for her dystonia.
I should have stopped the Baclofen as soon as I saw any side effects.
I should have been more forceful about eating, drinking and mobility PT.
I should have hired more help so that she was never left unsupervised.
I should have been nicer to her and kept my stupid mouth shut.

And where does this get me? And where does dwelling on what your mother went through get you? And what alternatives, realistically, were available to us?

My mother was 90 and had lived with CHF for 20 years. Your mother was terribly ill and in pain. The process of dying is a terrible thing. We do what we can to ease it, but medicine is not perfect and there is a limit to how effectively we can alleviate suffering. I'm blaming myself for not escaping death. You're blaming yourself for not seeing to it that your mother experienced zero suffering. Our expectations are of the impossible.

Plus: we are supposed to feel sad. Our mothers are dead. I think we just have to mourn and wait.
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CM is spot on - when humans were created someone/something somewhere went drastically wrong in the thinking process re death and dying. We all believed we were immortal and unfortunately mortality is going to come to us all. It is HOW it comes that is so awful. I think we all wish to pass in our sleep without pain and without suffering but it just doesnt happen that way. We have to stop grieve, feel emptiness and be bereft of normality for a while then move slowly forward back into the warm glow of life and living, for now it is time for you to put together your mum's plans for your future and make the most of your and your family's life. For that is the best way to honour her
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Oh Gershun (((((hugs))))) You did none of what you think you did. If I recall your mother did not want her life prolonged? The only thing you did was abide by her wishes... unfortunately, that leaves us with the guilt. You yourself said when you think of the "POSSIBLE" discomfort she might have felt... well, know she was no longer suffering. I've been told that part of actively dying includes a sense of euphoria .... that alone will make up for a gap in the morphine.

You go on and mourn your mothers passing, it is a healthy thing to do. Please realize though, you did your very best. Find comfort in that, find comfort that your dear mother is no longer suffering from this heinous disease but is now pain free. Cherish and love your mother in your heart and memories of her, as she will be now able to cherish her memories vs being scared wondering who all these strange (family) people are.

Be kind to yourself now... I am sure your mother would want this.

Again, (((hugs)))
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I don't know that anything I can say will ease anyone's pain. Unfortunately it is something we have to go through.
Just a small story. On the second night of my journey as a hospice nurse I visited an old farmer with another nurse who was close to death and in a lot of pain. We obtained the orders for the needed medications and the local pharmacist stayed open till the daughter arrived. While we waited the patient asked for a cigar. We saw no harm and the son lit it for him to take a couple of puffs. As we were leaving we passed the son sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. He looked up and said "it aint right if he was a cow we would shoot him" Before we got into the car we looked back at the house and barn.
it was like a scene from a fairly tale. There were lights twinkling from the barn and the log cabin and huge icicles handing from the roof.
the old man lived a few more days but we did a good job that night and he died in comfort. That was over 15 years ago but it is one of the memories that will stay with me for ever.
You are all wonderful caregivers,carry that with you forever. Gather at Jeanette's nice new shiny pool and relax, pass right by Jude's slimy dark hole no one here belongs in that and don't forget to bring a dish to pass. See you all there. Hope Capt remembers to change his socks!!!!!!!! can't wait to meet the Pibble Jeanette. Love to all.
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Floating on your back in a pool is one of the most relaxing things you can do...Getting the back of your head wet and just looking up at the clouds....I find that even doing this in the bathtub helps relax me. Where and when I grew up for awhile in NY State they used to tell a person to "go soak your head" when the person got mad or agitated...anybody remember that? There is really something to that as it helps relax a person.( though I am having comical visions of someone throwing a bucket of water on someone in a traffic tussle in the late 1950s Three Stooges style)...Sometimes even splashing water on my face and drinking a glass of water then helps calm me down.
I hope that Jeanette can get the professionals to set up that great pool as it will be a really good form of relaxation!
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pamzimmnt, LOL about having the arm sling under my shirt and call it cleavage :) Now I understand why some guy was staring at me the other day when I went to see the Orthopedic surgeon.... I had to borrow one of sig other's button down plaid shirts and me having the sling under the shirt B.
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Hi everyone, just catching up on your lives, and I'm sorry so much of it is so painful and difficult--physically, emotionally, the whole nine yards.
The pool sounds great, Jeanette! So do the strawberries coming in :)
FF--get well soon!
Ok, whine time: going to make the long drive out to my mother's in a few days, and will take care of several things while her caregiver is taking her to her checkup. I've already spoken to her doc, and emailed him an update letter. He'll call me after the appt with his observations, any changes in meds, and so on.
While they're out, I'll "sneak" into her house (can't let her trouble-making neighbor see me), and take inventory of all her clothes, check the house, etc. maybe clean out the freezer if there's time. I'll order her some new clothes later in the week.
FYI--my mother is undiagnosed, but most likely has Borderline Personality Fisorder. Or, she's just a lifelong bitch, hard to tell. Anyway, I have to keep contact w/her to the bare minimum.
SO, that's what the past few weeks have been--prep for my visit down there. Yesterday, I was taking my corgi/terrier mix out for our usual neighborhood walk, and a neighbor's dog burst out their door and attacked her. She'll be ok, but her leg was badly bitten, and my husband and I are now on 24/7 "Goldie" caregiving duty. We will also need to discuss vet bills with the neighbors. Stressful.
While we were waiting for the phone call from the vet last night, I went into Facebook, and there was an email from my practically estranged brother's wife. Now, I NEVER hear from them unless there's a crisis in their life, and they need money. The email stated that she'd kicked him out (again), and then, she asked me "Can you give me any money for a divorce?"
WOW. Just...WOW.
I won't be responding, obviously.
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Love that, looloo. Still chuckling.
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You know, I have to stop and think sometimes, that every family seems to have ONE caregiver type personality - and that seems to be us, doesn't it? Looloo, obviously your estranged brother's wife thought she could come to you because they have in the past - so you must be the caregiver in your family - but boy, that takes some serious guts to come asking for divorce money.

Jeanette, I wish we could have gotten the MediHoney in your hands sooner, maybe it would have helped - but again, it depends on the situation and how bad it is - in some cases, the body is devoting resources to other things and healing a sore is not top priority. :-(

On that note, an aide at the NH working with Mom gave me a tip on something that will help with her skin fold irritation and breakdown. The NH wouldn't use my antifungal cream - said they had to use their own and had to get it ordered - so it took 3-4 days before they started treatment. When she entered the NH, she had NO skin breakdown - now she has skin hanging in tatters and raw open areas - big ones - in her groin. I am SO ticked. However, the aide finally decided to take matters into her own hands and went and got something called Inter-Dry - it's a moisture-wicking fabric that is impregnated iwth antimicrobial silver, which after only 24 hours, was already healing the tears in mom's skin folds. Awesome. So the Colloidal Silver that I use at home already is essentially IN this fabric. So glad the doc approves and ordered it for Mom to use and we'll use it once she gets home, if she ever has skin breakdown again. If we keep on top of it with the antifungal cream and clean handkerchiefs in the skin folds, though, we don't usually have a problem. It's just when it's let go for a few days, like the NH did, that it gets bad. The Inter-Dry is only available online (do a Google search on it) and it's pricey, but I like what I'm seeing so far.

Mom is doing better with therapy and hopefully will be home within the next few weeks. She asks every day when I'm there, every 15-20 minutes, "When can I get out of here?" "How are the animals?" "I sure hope I can go home soon" "Are the animals ok?" "Do you think I can go home soon?" "How are the animals doing?" It's just heartbreaking. I sure hope she improves a little when she gets home.
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Silver has healing properties and they are also using it in some mesh that goes into wounds and on topical bandages. I believe a certain OTC ointment similar to neosporin has silver in it now too, according to our home nurse.
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Looloo - ??????????!!!!!!! She asked you WHAT??????? :-0
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Thanks Katie - I've been using Colloidal Silver for years here at home - Mom hasn't had so much as a cold for the past 2 years because every time one starts, I give her the CS under her tongue for a few days until the symptoms subside, and it disappears completely - no colds, no flu, nothing. I used it once when I had a dental abcess that the dentist wanted to do a root canal on - the abcess disappeared within 2 weeks, no surgery, no followup with the dentist - never had another problem. Wonderful stuff. I wish more doctors would get on the bandwagon with that one!
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Jude, I was just reading back through what I've missed over the past week, and saw your post about writing. I'm a writer myself, as yet unpublished because I can't find time to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard other than for work or the occasional post here. Lots of typing going on, just no writing. I have a book about some birds that used to nest on my porch every year that is begging to be written, and some writer colleagues have encouraged me to publish it - just haven't gotten to it. And whether my siblings like it or not, one day, I will publish a book about our childhood - I'll probably change the names and not include photos - but it WILL be written. I don't think enough can be written about the type of silent abuse we suffered as children - the more stories that are out and read by the public, the better. It may stop someone else from being abused.
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Thank-you all again for your posts. You are all such a comfort to me. You understand more than my own siblings. I know that they are grieving too but in a different way. I don't know if I ever mentioned that I have kind of been my Mom's guardian angel ever since my Dad died when I was four. Thats why this is so especially hard for me.

I hate feeling this way and yet its only been a week and I know its only natural. My hubby doesn't get it. He comes from a very unemotional family who believe that keeping a strong upper lip is the way to handle things.

Jude you are right I can't allow myself to wallow in this or I'll fall into that big dark hole of depression. I'm kind of hanging on to the edge of the sides so I won't fall in right now.

I hate self-pity. I know my Mom hated it too. She would want me to carry on her legacy of kindness.

Countrymouse you are right, should of, would of, could ofs are pointless places to let your mind go to. I guess its only been a week and I'm being too hard on myself. Thank-you all for letting me rant and whine. I'm sure there will be more to come. Keep the great advice flowing. (((((( ))))) Hugs to all.
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Susan, I wish I could write a book... hell, I wish I could accurately express my emotions. Seriously, just a few short hours ago I was thinking of this very thing... so many family members are quick to judge, so many caregivers are reluctant to give out all the gory details... we become very protectant of our loved one.

Could we somehow write a book of semi-short synopses of our individual journey...showing what "we" have been through as the caregiver, also showing how so many of us are so close in our situations?

Mom's been happily chatting away all day :)... she didn't put up a fuss when I changed her dressing and cleaned her (yay we had a poopy).... I was talking nonsense to her throughout the whole ordeal..... she finally told me to stop being such a "dumbass".... LOLOLOL.... I broke down into fits of giggles, she even had a wide grin on her face ;)

Hey, goes to show ya how important it is to be bowel free!!
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Did someone mention a POOL PARTY? Oh, wishful thinking...sigh.

My mother has been calling out for something none stop all night and morning for one thing or another. She sounds as if she is in pain but only wants food, water, her clothes put in sets, etc. She told me to go to he!! when I asked her what she wanted this time in an angry voice. Soon forgotten a few minutes later as she is back to asking for help. That is she has forgotten but I have not. I give her what she wants and she yells for help a few minutes later for the same thing. I am thinking my headphones today to escape her cries.
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my rainwater collection system is looking pretty good . found a small pump / pressure tank unit on ebay for 130 bucks . once im plumbed up im gonna ask the water company to come get their meter . they'll return a 200 dollar membership deposit that almost pays for my 45o gallon tank . 29 dollar a month water bill doesnt seem terrible but i prefer to have necessities on the place in case of a natural or civil catastrophe . i WANT to live a little more like the old timers did . i think instills an appreciation for the meager things we do have as opposed to having everything too easy and dying of depression for want of a challenge . ill still be living large because my part of the county has many poor people without running water in their homes . you see them collecting water in milk jugs at a cattle trough fed by a good spring out on a main road . if im being silly with the rainwater collection system , those people are being lazy and unimaginative with no running water in their homes . ill have 50 psi on tap with a water heater to cram it thru when its shower time .
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Appreciating the things most people take for granted and most of all being resourceful is worth more than tons of money and most of the college degrees being handed out today. Resourcefulness is worth more than gold. So is an appreciation for the small things in life.
Many people today have it too easy and become soft and unable to face life's challenges. The caregiving we are faced with is a huge challenge, for some of us the hardest thing we will ever do. Captain is right that many people in our society become depressed often for want of a challenge. Perhaps this caregiving role put upon us is actually a gift and an opportunity meant to make us stronger people for facing this difficult challenge. If we see it as such, it helps us to power through each day knowing we got through it and even gained some more knowledge and strength.
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OH Lord save me from well-meaning relatives.....my blood pressure just blew right off the charts.

More later. It involves taking Mom out of the nursing home for about an hour or so - something I'm supposed to drop everything and do tonight when I visit her, and was supposedly ok'd by the nurse, who has no idea what I'm talking about. When oh WHEN will they realize that Mom does not always remember things correctly or that she may have spoken to a CNA, not a nurse, who has no authority to authorize a trip out?? This relative called me while apparently sitting within earshot of mom and what was I supposed to do - say no and look like the bad guy?? So we're compromising - I am bringing ice cream to the NH tonight and we'll sit on the patio and eat it. Do they have any idea what's going to happen when I take her out for a brief ride or something and have to take her back?? She's going to be in tears and depressed that she has to go back and not home. Why do that to her and have her feel that way?? I don't have a problem with taking her out of there for a while - what I have a problem with is all the confusion and upset it causes her when she has to go back. She is only there temporarily, not permanently - why make it harder than it is?
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update....relative called back and said, "I probably shouldn't have said that in front of Mom, should I?" Um...nope.

So I sent a very long, detailed update to everyone letting them know that we all need to be on the same page regarding Mom and how confused she gets, and how easy it is for her to sink into depression if she is told she can do something and then told she can't. Or if I take her somewhere and then have to take her back.
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Well, two cheers to that relative for at least realising that s/he'd put her/his foot in it? Plus it gave you a good opening for that memorandum of understanding. Hope the ice cream treat goes down well :)
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Ive had a bit of a horrendous weekend this weekend...one I really dont want to go into too much but safe to say I was in a location that brought some pretty nasty memories of me being abused as a young child. Only in a location you must understand nothing more insidious than seeing a place that rolled back time.... and it did start me wondering.

I know I am a survivor of child sexual abuse until I was 11 and was then 'too old', I know I had lots of counselling because I was in a dark dark place. I also know that I in some weird way 'liked' or felt more comfortable as a victim than I did trying to stand on my own two feet and I sometimes wonder if that is why I took on this role - my abuser was my mother's cousin and the more I care for her the more i am sure she knew

Its leaving a bad taste in my mouth metaphorically speaking ajnd I am starting to become a it 'lost' ion a very very dark world - lots of recurrent nightmares and I just want them to go away. Sorry peeps a bit off track I know but very very low right now just needed to let it go
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Jude they are horrible memories. Try and let them go. obviously you don't want to confront your mother at this stage. Why not write her a letter and tell her exactly what went on and what was done to you as graphically as you wish. Is she the only one that knew? keep that letter and slip it in her coffin if you like or burn it and add it to her ashes. Sprinkle the ashes or at least some of them in a fast flowing river so they are washed far away. i did not want my mother's ashes so the crematorium sprinkled them on the rose beds with all the others. We did order a plaque to be placed on the wall but I have no desire to go and visit it.
Jude just pack it up in your old kit bag and smile smile smile. Hugs.
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Jude I am sorry that you are in a dark place. Although I was never abused sexually as a child I know all about dark places. Especially lately. My nights especially are very bad right now. I go to very dark places in my dreams( or should I say nightmares) I remember after my Dad died when I was four my sisters would have to stay with me until I went to sleep cause I was scared to go to sleep cause of the bad nightmares I would have.

Here I am 53 yrs. old and going through the same thing again.

But enough about that. Jude getting back to you. I wish there were things I could say to make you feel better but since I've never been where you are all I can say is "love yourself" and remember that you are stronger than what happened to you.
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Thanks Gershun and Veronica - its just real tough right now and crying a lot - the nightmare together with Mum being awake mean sleep deprivation isnt helping but hey ho life goes on I guess. Sometimes I just wish mine wouldnt
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Jude, we get stuck with these things we can't resolve. It would be nice to be able to just cleanse them away. The guilt and shame that goes with it also keeps us from dealing with it so often. So it just sets in our minds and festers until something opens up the awful memory. It would be nice to never think of some things again.
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Jess you are so right even though in my head I do know that I should have no guilt it is so strong in my heart that right now it is omnipresent - everything I look at, eat, see all seems to remind me of that time.

Having spent what should have been a wonderful weekend with a dear dear friend it became a goodbye because I couldnt face the past and let it go. He didnt understand and cant understand why I cant let go, it all became rather unpleasant for me to realise that he too didnt care enough to just accept me for who I am. I dont know why I cant let go either - its like I cling on to i

We have parted as friends but the void was filled almost immediately by the past.

My fault - I had doubts about going in the first place - now I will just have to try and sew up the whopping great holes again
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i think were all at an age that life loses a lot of its challenges and rewards . when my dad was 60 ish i was about 30 , building a house , raising a family , raising chickens , raising pigs and raising general h*ll . he told me someday id shoot all those annoying animals and nothing would bring me much joy . pissed me off at the time but im seeing what he meant . we certainly dont enjoy the things we once did . most things are done out of necessity now . i can bake bread or i can just eat out the flour bag . he he . its almost that crazy .
i got my annual spring haircut and 2 bags of new socks . think ill go out back and flip some cartwheels -- yay . ( sarcasm )
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Today's whine is a White Merlot.
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Argh. Just got home from evening visit to the NH (and YES, mom got her ice cream, I brought some with me and she ate it on the patio), and forgot I needed to go to the grocery store. Grrrr. I *really* don't want to go back out, but have to, because I need some items for tomorrow.
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