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I am so veer thankful for our hospice folks. ..all of them. They feel more like family than my family
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Hope I know where you are coming from. I think from what I've read on this site that its very common for one sibling to do it all. I guess its a case of why do I need to do anything when I know its already being done. That doesn't make it right but for me personally I couldn't live with myself if I was that way.

No casseroles were brought when my Mom died. In fact after a couple of days it seems like everyone went on with their lives. Easy for them since thats what they did when my Mom was alive.
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I just don't know how i am going to handle that time. I am guessing my situation may be similar to yours. What i seem to notice is when folks have been out of circulation for a while, people seem to pretty much write them off.how very sad. Right now, the way i feel, i already know how horribly sad i am going to be. .and I'm pretty sure im not going to want any of the show ponies around with all their fake words of concern. ..they werent here for her when it mattered. ..she isn't going to care one iota when she's gone. ...and neither am i...at that time they will all be dead to me. .too little too late
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Hope thx for the hug. Honestly the people on this site have been there for me more than my brothers and sisters.

Yeah they are busy but they make time to get their teeth whitened and to get their hair done etc. etc. so whats more important. Its all about priorities isn't it?

You will handle that time well cause it takes tons of strength to care for an aging loved one and you are doing that. We are the strong ones.
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It is indeed about priorities. ..and we have ours in order i think. I did have a glimmer of reassurance today from a younger cousin whom I did not think really knew my situation but he asked how Mama and i were doing and i told him the usual and commented about our ages because he was trying to figure out if he was the oldest great grandchild in the family. I told him that i was 56 but still thought like i did when i was in my 20's, but felt like i was in my 90's. He immediately said he did not know how i was doing what i was doing alone and he understood how hard it was. He also told me to call him if i ever needed him or his wife. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. ..why do others not get how much those kinds of phone chats mean. .it's not about helping me do stuff anymore. .it's just knowing we have not been forgotten. .meant an awful lot to hear it
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And thats just it sometimes Hope. People don't know. When I was taking care of my Mom there were times when I thought of asking for help and didn't cause I thought they would think I couldn't handle things. My family has always treated me like I don't know how to do anything and so I felt like I'd better just woman up and do it.

So in some ways I have only myself to blame for having to do it all but at the same time when you know your Mother is elderly you should assume that she might need help and offer to right? and thats what I could not understand with my family.

I resented the fact that when my Mom was dying in hospital my sister was camping out by my Mom's bedside like the dutiful daughter (that she wasn't)

Ah don't get me started.....
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Why cannot AC have a quarantine function to get rid of all the spam that is posted? Tonight really did it for me!
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I've seen a lot tonight too., glad..:
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Glad I wasnt here spam and trolls are my bete noir oh and me mother! She is having surgery for a cataract today. I have had zip sleep she has been worrying all night about something that is going on and couldnt remember what then I told her to stop the fret of not remembering now she set on worrying about the surgery. I told her how siomple the op was ....'what would you know' Well mum seeing as I have had both done probably quite a lot..,...'ah yes but youre not 92 are you?' FFS mother this is a routine op they do hundreds every week. 'not on 92 year olds they don't' OK I GIVE IN |YOU ARE DIFFERENT AND MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE ON GODS EARTH....'and that's why Im worried' OK let me find a garage to scream in and yes I know I shouldn't have been rude but I am not going to feel guilty at getting angry with her dementia and while I didn't shout or yell my CAPITALS reflect assertive sarcasm!
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Oh yikes Jude, hope it goes smoothly. How many weeks of eye drops is it afterwards..? Groan. But worth it. Don't forget to take a good book!
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Good luck Jude, if it is any comfort 50 years ago it was 10 days in bed with the eyes bandaged lying flat on your back in the hospital needing to be fed. You won't even need a book she will be back in recovery in about 20 minutes before you even have time to finish your coffee yelling obscenities at you. They might have to sedate her quite a lot if she is unco-operative. here i am trying to reassure myself as they are in my future and the idea of someone sticking needles in my eyes freaks me out.
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Jude, I hope the cataract surgery goes well and that you can get some sleep!
I didn't sleep much last night. Mom yelled about an ugly face in the room at 9pm after falling asleep at 7pm. I reasured her all was ok and that mine was the only ugly face here. She seemed to feel calmer after that. Then at 3 am she began yelling and asking where she was...again I had to go in and calm her down and left a low wattage light burning. All was quiet after that.

I totally understand about people running away when you are in caregiver mode. I am filing away who did that, and will make myself scarce someday from their lives if they start calling once Mom is gone .Fair weather friends. How creepy they are! (Now I sound like Wally Cleaver).
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Cataract surgery was a breeze. You might have some quiet time as I had a mild sedative and took a nap once we got home. The drops may be a challenge as I had three different one and one was for 30 days.
Something a bit new as dads AL is having bonfire night at 6:30. Hoping rain holds off. I will be able to see how dad is later in the evening if his confusion is better or worse.
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My whine is a concern for seniors who get in their car, drive away and no one can find them. Last night on an interstate in Virginia I saw a senior alert for someone driving a gray Toyota with a certain license plate number. This 71 year old man has been missing for days. I realize it is a battle to do, but many of our parents don't need to be driving anymore for their safety and the safety of others.
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Jude, praying that all goes smoothly for your Mom..praying for peaceful contentment for you. . :)

Cmagnum...agreed...as soon as Mama started having issues i told my brother he needed to stop jumping off her car. ..she definitely did not need to be driving abs we probably should have stopped it sooner. .we were very lucky as she was notorious for giving money to whoever approached her in the grocery store parking lot. .it could just as easily been someone who hit her in the head and robed her or worse. My getting what she needed was worth knowing she would not be on the road again. ..
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No whine for me this morning. Mama woke up glowing and smiling and quite huggable....seeing that smile will help me go on for days. ..
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OK so she had surgery all went well of course it did. We all knew it would but bloody hell was she difficult. Rude to the delightful doctor who wasnt English - racism at its best - I darent even tell you what she said I just cringed. Then Polish Nurses - repeat performance - died again. Then rude because she had to wait for her meds - which did take a long time to be fair but she made so much fuss they despatched someone to speed things up

Now she is woe is me you dont know what its like I have a pain in my neck (hmm thinks me so do I!!!!!) She has to keep a patch on for 12 hours - this is going to be a very very long twelve hours.... I can feel it in me water!!!!!

Veronica I wish it was 50 years ago I would have had 10 days break you foolish woman!!!!!! bless you. The surgery is really simple they used ultrasound to get the cataractout and then just put a new lens in - I have both my eyes done and zero problem until afterwards when I realised that the matching jumper and cardigan thought I was wearing were two different and clashing colours - got those off darned quick let me tell you!!

Oh well off for more verbal abuse - catch youall later !!! xxxx to all carers keep the faith - the faith that you can do this that is
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hope22,

As I drove on 664 to 64 West out of Norfolk last night, I thought how scary this person probably found this driving on such a huge and I mean very large interstate which is one of several ways out of there,but still the traffic is wild!
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Hey all...!

I'm going to chime in on how different life is after caring for so long. Not only do I find I prefer my own company, staying close to home, I've noticed that I seriously have forgot how to speak to people, especially strangers, you know like making small talk standing in line at the store or something?...My sense of humor is gone and I am now the most serious person I have ever known. It's rather disturbing to me... PLUS I tend to internalize everything, I have to work it around in my frazzled brain for a long time before I act on whatever it is. I am so unsocial and lacking in fun happy emotions that I bore myself :/ Yesterday when coming back from a brief wally mart trip 1 of the 2 friends I have here pulled up as I got home, her and her mother where in the car and asked how I was doing. Well, it was another sad hard day for me, so of course within in minutes of our conversation I started welling up with tears again, she went to get out and give me a hug and I stopped her... later on I felt awful that I had done that but at that moment in time I couldn't handle a hug because it meant another breakdown for me and a lonely evening crying. I just wanted to go about my business, mow my lawn and prepare for that d*mn pool to FINALLY go up (hopefully next week, they are delivering 800 lbs of it today)

Gershun, same thing happened to me as what your sister did at the hospital. My SIL went with me to the funeral home along with Lisa, my carer. My SIL just talked and talked about how mom has been the past few years like she was around her ALL the time. Me n Lisa just looked at each other with puzzled expressions. Lisa has been with me and mom for a year and she's never ever met my SIL. Funny how people insert themselves to seem important in front of others isn't it?

Katie, those type of nights are just awful.... you're so tired you just want to sleep but yet your heart is breaking thinking how scared your mother must feel. You think this is the worst of the worst with your moms battle with AD, but no... it get's much worse.

You know, I have figured out why I am torn up and heartbroken over moms death. It's not so much she died, it's HOW she died and what she had to go through that hurts so much. I can almost see why Kasey Kasem's wife took him away. If I had lots of money I swear I would have wrapped mom up in my arms and swooped her away to a place filled with joy and happiness and away from this sibling rivalry crap and the wicked way we were treated. Being the main person with mom there was no way I could be happy happy cheery cheery all the time.

Jude, glad everything went well for you!!

Hope honey, isn't it just wonderful when your mama wakes up with a smile? I'd give almost anything to see mom smile again, unfortunately that disease robbed mom of the ability to smile or show joy the past 6 months... Oh God, here comes the tears again... so unfair this disease is...
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Ok, after reading what I just posted I felt the need to clarify something. I am torn up and heartbroken at the loss of my mother, she was/is my heart. As an adult, I do realize eventually we all die... watching her, being with her, being her everything while going through this disease with her and the last 6 months, that's what really tears me apart. I probably need to stop thinking about it and visualizing certain things... hard to tho. I pray they find a cure or way to reallllly slow it down so a person can die a natural death in their old age, that's all.
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I am dog sitting my step son's labrador and took her out into the garden for a run before bed. The sky was beautiful and a blackbird was singing but it made me realize I can't feel any joy anymore. Mum has been crying so much today ,she tells everyone who asks that she is not quite herself as she is getting over a bad cold,but today realizes it's much more than that. Sorry to whine I know many of you have it so much worse.
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I have only one whine tonight.....I hate dementia and what it does to the elderly AND TO THEIR CARERS. Bucke up well ladies and gents for it is a h*ll of a ride during and after ....my love to you all xxxxx
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Why is it called "independent living" when one's parents still need to depend on others?

Really now, my parents claim they are "independent" and can manage, and in some respect they can. But the independence stop when they open up the front door of their house.

They no longer drive... someone has to get their groceries otherwise it would take 12 hours to grocery shop if I took them.... someone needs to mow their lawn and put down fertilizer... someone needs to get the gunk out of the house gutters...

when it snows Dad [93] can only lift a few shovel fulls and his doctor would be quite upset knowing he was out on such a cold day, but heaven forbid if there was an emergency and Dad had to get the car out of the garage [ah, Dad, if there was an emergency the fire dept has shovels].

Dad is always complaining he is bored... if one is truly independent one wouldn't be board. And I would make a lousy cruise director.

The name "independent living" should be changed to "Almost Independent Living" !!
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Cerise, whine away, it feels good doing so...

Each and every caregiver and every case is different, what might be simple for one would be difficult for another. So never be sorry to whine.
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FF, I'd always supposed it was meant to be ironic.
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Jeanette I am sorry but you deserve to cry. Its only been what? One week?
You just cry if you want.

My problem is I can't seem to cry anymore. My tears are all stuck in my chest and I feel like they are smothering me. The nights are the worst. I have these dreams of my Mom when she was young and happy and then I wake up and its like she died all over again.

Sorry if I sound like a sad sack all the time. But this grieving process sucks.
I wish I could be cold and indifferent like my siblings (just for a little while) then I could go back to being caring, overly sensitive and full of guilt. (my usual M O)
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Gershun, I understand the weight of it. I hit a big bump today in the clearing out process: luggage. Baggage, I think you call it? Only I'm being literal. Two wooden packing crates, a leather trunk, battered suitcases. I've at last got them empty - and came across a very good print of my grandmother's wedding in 1919, and this is exactly what drives me nuts about this process because it reinforces that the tempting option of getting in a clearance company and just turning my back on the whole thing wouldn't work: I'd be forever wondering what I'd missed. Anyway.

Some of the labels are in her maiden name, at addresses I've heard of but were hers long before my time. One is clearly marked for despatch to Lt. L. B. at her barracks, soon after the war - this is history, the life she lived. But it's also invading the house, and what am I to keep it FOR? I never travel. I will have to move, but who needs ferociously heavy packing cases when there are perfectly good cardboard cartons to be had? And of course nobody else would want this stuff, I can't even find it a good home…

Aaarggh. I called it a day and shut the door.

I really mind that my mother is dead, I can't shake the feeling of failure even while I know it's ridiculous - I didn't fail, I did the opposite of fail, the whole point of the last six years was to bring her in for a soft landing and that's exactly what happened, mission accomplished; but somehow I'm still feeling that she's not supposed to be *dead* at the end of it!!! That wasn't the plan! What, then? Not dead? Living forever? It's only now occurring to me that I should have thought this through before.
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I know what you mean CM. I've been thinking along those same lines.
When my Mom was dying in the hospital I had the phone by my side all the time when I wasn't with her. Then it dawned on me its not like the call is gonna be good news. There wasn't going to be a happy ending. At least not for me.

I'm happy for her she is not in pain anymore but when does my happy ending come? I probably sound selfish. And thats the other thing. When you spend a lot of time grieving you almost start to feel like you are feeling sorry for yourself. The line between missing your Mom and how shitty you are feeling gets kind of blurred.
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You don't sound selfish at all, you've expressed something that's been bothering me that I couldn't put words to. It's about how much of *our* lives our mothers are going to continue to occupy, and whether that's - I want to say "fair", but that sounds so childish. Reasonable? Proportionate? How do we draw a line and move on?
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CM I don't think you ever really move on. You just put it up in a shelf in your brain. At least thats how I've started to think of it. Its like photo albums and knick knacks. You don't display them all the time. You take them out and look at them when you feel like going down sentimental lane.

Right now I've got it all out on the table but I know eventually I am going to have to put it up on the shelf. Does that make any sense?
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