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CM, that is a million dollar question for some even in middle age have either not differentiated as a separate adult individual from their mother or they have some ongoing issues due to childhood abuse. Neither is an easy journey to move on from.

My youngest son noticed in college that many of his friends had problems with college like choosing a degree to major in from his perspective because they had issues with their parents that they needed to resolve. That is an insight that I've not heard before or considered, but it must carry some truth for some.

Unfortunately not all mothers or dads either raise their children with the privacy and increasing independence to discover their own sense of identity so that they are ready to fly from the nest when it's time. While many do leave physically and geographically even, their moms remain a strong voice in their heads for we are programmed to not be free or we have memories of past abuse from which we have not gained freedom. Sometimes, both problems go together.

I think that given a person's background some may reach the point to be their own teacher and guide instead of mom or dad living in their heads sooner than others, but some never do for they never had a chance.

Anyway, that's my opinion.
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cm - they will always be a part of our lives. Right now and during the care giving years - a very large part. Normally that will decrease and other things will occupy more of your life. For the first while, depending on the loss and on the individual, you manage your life around your grief, then, after a while, months to a few years, you manage your grief around your life. I am and have been throwing away history too. I find it hard. Years ago my mother mailed to me some of my father's WW1 gear. I lifted his helmet out of the parcel, and sand from Ypres poured onto the floor. I wanted to save it but I didn't.

gershun - makes total sense. Slowly you put things away. You can always take them down when you need to.

cmag - interesting about your son's college friends. That parental voice is around a long time. Sometimes listening to it is good, sometimes not. It is important to have the choice.
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oh geez Cm, Gershun and everyone right here, right now... why do we do this?

I keep thinking mom would be so upset at how upset I am and the feeling of guilt that won't quite leave me alone. Yet yet yet... I wasn't ready to say goodbye. It does not matter how much you think this through... it hits you like a ton of heartbroken bricks and you wonder where they are, is she ok, does she know me again... will she give me a sign that she's no longer suffering.

CM, I'm inspired by you dealing with your mothers belongings, so far I've not been able to touch anything, it's just as if she were here....one day.

emjo23... what you wrote brought me to tears. In the end it isn't about the possesions, pictures, helmets.... it's what we held in our heart for them. After we leave, really, who is going to care about 100 year old pictures of people they never knew?
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Jeanette - it is about the heart, about feelings, about memories... As for dealing with their things - everyone has their own time line. Follow your heart. I still have a few things from the people I most love. Whether you take a long time or a short time, whether you keep things or not, it is all OK. Now you are creating new memories in your house - your home. They won't replace the old ones, they will add to them. I don't think anyone is ever ready to say the final goodbye. No matter how much you have prepared yourself, or how much of a good thing it is for our loved one to not be suffering any more, it is a shock. Death is too big a thing to get our hearts and minds around. Tears are good. Give yourself time and space for your grief. Often grieving isn't very dignified, and that is OK too.

(((((hugs)))) to all of you going through this process. I know it well.
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Jeanette I'm glad you have your dogs there at least. I have two cats and I know dog people usually don't care for cats but they are such a comfort. My one cat ever since my Mom died is like my little caregiver. He follows me around and has become really cuddly. It helps somewhat.

I am always looking for a sign from my Mom. We used to talk about how she would come and visit me after she died but if she has I haven't felt it. I also think that if she is really happy in heaven why would her spirit be hanging around here on earth anyway. But I still keep on hoping.

My Mom told me a story about how after my Dad died she was crying and praying and asking God how would she bring up seven kids on her own and suddenly she felt a hand covering hers. There was no one with her at the time and my Mom was never into supernatural stuff but she truly felt that it was my Dad's spirit.
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Mom very weak. Fell banged her head but is ok. Wonder if anybody has a crystal ball they would mind looking into?
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glad, your mother has been having such a hard time. I feel so bad for her. I am hoping things turn around for her and she gets some contentment and strength back. You and she have been going through so much.
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The night my Dad died I fell into a restless sleep and dreamed that there were angels next to me and they were letting me know my Dad was ok...I kept trying to see their faces but they kept gently touching my chin and turning my head away so I could not see who they were...yet anyhow. This made me realize that there is something way bigger in control out there and that our loved ones are somewhere where they are being taken care of and watched over. I too looked for signs from my Dad and realized that he was probably busy seeing his parents, brother, and others that had passed before him. Several months later a red cardinal appeared each day in the back garden and my Mom would feed him. This bird hung around for years and was so unafraid of my Mom it would sit on the open kitchen window sill for peanuts. This window was where our kitchen table was where my Dad had spent a lot of his time. I felt somehow that the appearance of this red bird was a connection to my Dad, that it was coming to see if we were ok. I believe that animals can have a spiritual connection at times.
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I hate to call mine a whine today but I am always in observation of my mother's strange behavior. I am also intrigued how the brain operates. Many dementia/alzheimers patients seem to hyperfocus in certain areas. I don't know if that's the right description but mom has always been a worrier. Now in her illness, EVERYTHING is about what is wrong. She can pull drama out of a hat when there is none---NONE. Just as a small example, this morning at around 6 am, I am quietly resting on my bed. I hear her get up (we don't get up til 7 usually) and come around to my closed door and say in this meek voice "Are you allright in there"? First, she does this often and out of the blue. There is nothing wrong, nothing to indicate anything is wrong, house is quiet, normal morning but she will often drum up a problem when there is none. She also has dreams where she goes back to a moment where something is wrong with someone. It drives me nuts.
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So many of you have lost your Moms and my heart just hurts so much for each one of you. Mama keeps on in her up and down mode. ..gets very weak, they will tell me to prepare them she is better again. ..this has been going on now for almost a year and a half. Don't get me wrong. .I'm thankful for every precious moment and I'm almost afraid to say this because i do truly want her to stay as long as she is happy but each time i have to"prepare" i feel like i lose her all over again. Jeanette i do understand. .this entire past fall and winter. .at least six months, she did nothing but lie in that bed and stare at me. ..at least when she was not sleeping. ..it has felt like i already lost her so many times and then she is back and then she is not. Last night i was talking to her as if she knew what i was talking about and i brought up my trip to Denver. ..first time i had ever flown. .many years ago. .i was talking about her and daddy coming to get me at the airport, etc. And then i noticed she had a blank look on her face. I asked her if she remembered and she shoo her head no. Then it hit me that the only person who really shared my big moments in life is somewhat gone already. ..this house feels so sad. My cats are a huge comfort so gershun i know what you mean there. ..but i feel like i am sitting on a time bomb. And she talks about"that big man" she sees. ..my daddy was a very tall broad shouldered big man. I wonder is he coming. ..she can't tell who it is yet. I know people see things before they pass. ..so i wonder. If it's Daddy i hope he gets me too. I am suddenly realizing i do not want to be here alone. .in this house that used to be so full of life, love and laughter. ..i don't want to be here alone.
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Hope many hugs this morning. You will never be alone. You will always feel the spirit of Mama in this house. Right now she is so afraid to leave you because you mean so much to her. She is trying to prepare you for that moment.
I hate to bring in a horse story but it is about a big event, the birth of a foal. we purchased an older brood mare well advanced in her pregnancy having birthed many foals with no problems. She was a homely creature but produced the most beautiful babies and was a very wise old girl. We had never birthed a foal before and were some what anxious but had everything prepared and the vet had instructed us. Well one day when she was at term and knowing we were newbies she decided to give us a dry run. She was lying in the field and looking painful so we decided it must be time. We bedded her stall with thick layers of nice clean dry straw and brought her in. She looked around and inspected everything then requested we return her to the field with her friends, which we did with some trepidation. One whole week later I went out at 1am to check on her and found a beautiful black filly just standing on her wobbly new feet.
I tell you this Hope because communication is not verbal and although you have told Mama she is free to leave and all the other things she knows YOU are still not ready. The nurses tell you what they see and they are correct but they don't know Mama and how strong your bond is. Daddy does come he is the big man but he has come for Mama and not you. You may catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of your eye or feel a cool breeze in the room but you won't see him like Mama does Talk to her about him. Ask her what he looks like and what he whispers in her ear. When you can encourage her to reach out and take his hand and go with him. There is still work for you to do on this earth. You don't know what it is yet but listen and you will know when the time is right.
Grieving Mama is going to be so hard for you but you have been so strong and dedicated that in the future she will look down and be so proud of you. Yes you will have to start from the beginning again but you did that when Mama gave birth to you. There will be people to help you on the way and your furry kids will play a big roll in that, you just have to let them into your life again .
Love and hugs Hope.
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daughter52 try and not let this get to you. You are her only link with reality right now and she is so afraid she won't be able to "find" you. If she has always been a worrier that is probably only going to get worse but she is just scared that because the house is silent you are not there whisked away by some invisible force. She is like an animal that always wants to be secure on your lap. It is cute in a cat but not Mom.
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d52, try to muster up all the patience you have left. It's not your mother's doing and I would imagine waking up in the morning, not sure where you are or what's going on she get's a bit scared and needs your voice as reassurance, that's all. My mother couldn't find the bathroom which was directly across from her room yet she always managed to find my bedroom!! Too unexplainable y funny!!

So pretty here, our annual strawberry festival starts today. Apparently our itty bitty town makes the worlds largest strawberry shortcake. There's a small parade, small carnival and of course big prices on the good stuff plus local venders selling their goodies.

Me and Lisa are going to pick up mom here shortly. Until we do the "Celebration of Life" and reunite her with daddy she will stay here with me resting on the hearth and just hang out with us girls for awhile...sniff

Katie, Veronica, that was a wonderful read. I am feeling a bit more optimistic today :)
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oh, forgot to mention. My phone rings at 2:40 in the morning... guess who it is?

Of Course it's the bride to be. Me thinks this girl drinks too much then gets a hair up her a** and tries to harass me. Haha, that will teach my son to not listen to his mama!
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Jeanette, since those phone calls should no longer be worrisome when they come at that time of the day/night, I'd turn the phone off for a while until you can deal with them. You shouldn't have to deal with that crap at this point.

My dad rested with us until we made a trip a few months after his passing to place his ashes in his favorite place, which meant he got to make one last trip to his favorite place in the U.P. of Michigan, and a ride in the new handicap van we bought for his use that he never got to ride in. It was at least a little comforting that we could do that for him. He loved his vans!
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My whine for today: Summer is coming, and along with it, all the fun activities posted by friends and family on Facebook and other social media. If I see one more post about people going off for a girls' weekend, a vacation to an amusement park, or pictures of fun times on the water, I'm going to scream. The chances of me being able to make another trip to even see my son are looking slim to none, unless I can convince a family member to stay here for 4 days. Somehow I just don't see it happening. It's possible, I guess, but somehow...I just think it won't.
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Susan, had to take a quick peak before head out....

I just wrinkled up my nose reading a post of "Girls Night Out"!! So FUN!

Meh..
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JeanetteB...amused by the lost bathroom story. Just like your mother, my mother's bath is also directly next to her bed but she 'loses' it all the time. My bedroom, like you say, she manages to find.
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Hope I hope you don't really feel like you want your Dad to take you too. Although I truly understand how you feel. There have been many times where I have wished that I could of gone with my Mom. We always had such a bond almost to the point where we knew what the other was thinking.

I miss her so much. The nights are the worst. I can manage to distract myself during the day somewhat.

Anyhow, I agree Jeanette. Girls Night Out doesn't sound appealing to me either. I've been thinking a weekend away by myself sounds good though.
Don't know if hubby would approve. Not that I need his permission but he probably thinks I would off myself or something if he couldn't keep an eye on me.
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Yikes...mom is having a definite "off" day. Tired, cranky, refusing to shower, refusing to use the bathroom when she should...it's been super humid here all day, and I think that's the issue, to be honest. It makes it harder for her to breathe, which tires her out, even with oxygen on. So she's slept most of the day away, but when she's not sleeping, she's grouchy. I'll be glad to see bedtime come so I can escape. Love her to death, but days like this could try the patience of a saint. And I'm no saint.
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Thank you Veronica, that was beautiful and so true i know. I to believe that is Daddy. And i know Mama is going to go with him one day. .right now i am just having to take it one precious moment at a time. It is just hard to figure where all the years went. Mama is usually quiet at night. Hardly acknowledges me at all. I remember how funny she could be and how much fun we used to have and i know i need to just be so thankful for a Mama like her, with a life so well livedbut it isn't going to make her going any less hard.

Gershun i dream a lot about my Mama when she was young and so very beautiful. She still is of course but she was such a strikingly beautiful lady with the most perfect little figure. ..she looks like that in my dreams. .i used to dream the same about my Daddy not long before i lost him. They give me peace but bring sadness too bedside they seem to be a foreshadowing. ..but she is always berry happy in those dreams. .i have to hold onto that.
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Hope I hear such sadness in your posts.I know what you are going through. I like dreaming about my Mom but also it makes me sad cause I miss her even more when I wake up.

My Mom had a petite little figure too when she was young. I went through an old photo album I had of when her and my dad were on their honeymoon. She looked so happy and vibrant in all the pictures. I like to imagine them together in heaven like that.
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Yes, those dreams bring me comfort. They kind of scare me right now because i fear what they may mean but i shouldn't because she is so beautiful and young and happy and healthy. ..i believe she will be restored to that state as has your Mom and Jeanette and CM. It feels comforting to think of them that way ...so that is how i need to think. It is so hard to see Mama this way. .unable to move, eating nothing but ensure shakes that i have tried to jazz up so many different ways. ..i used to live to cook but now it just depresses me. ..I'm sorry to be such a bummer. ..especially because so many of you are going through so much sames. ..please forgive me. ..i guess it's time for me too wrangle my babies in and go to bed. .nite all and God bless
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OK. Just spent the last hour and my entire patience trying to upload a pic of mom from a few months back...It''s cool but she's crooked!!!!

D$$$DAM%^&

Technology sucks today.


So that's my love, tip your computer sideways....so pretty, always smiling...
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Mom has had a terrible cough the last couple days. This is so awful what she must go through, this last year especially.Hard for me to watch and hear.

There was a lady in the nursing home where my Mom went for rehab that had hung a picture of herself as a young happy woman outside of her room door for all to see. It shows everyone that she had a good happy life and it wasn't just all about the decline now.
Jeanette, I like the picture even if I had to turn my head sideways to see it! Loosened up my stiff neck. :D I am so bad with technology that it would be a major accomplishment for me to even get a picture in at all! Thanks for sharing!
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Aww, sweet Jeanette. .love the picture. ..hugs to you friend. I am going to try to get in the gardens today and rejuvenate my soul. Mama is quiet today but there is nothing i can do but be here for her. She will have such a good day. ..and then it seems followed by so many sad ones. .her health is probably better than mine these days but the Alz / D is so horrid. We all know that i don't know why I'm saying it. I think I'm rambling and not saying anything. I feel a bit delirious..think I'll grab a cup of coffee and take a stroll in the yards with my babies. .i hope you all have a relaxing happy weekend. ..thank you gershun for you sweet msg. ...it meant a lot to me.
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I feel like a gerbal in a cage going round and round and just keeping up with all thats needed,just a machine.I never get a break or get to do 1 thing Id like to.My brothers might stop by after their hiking in the woods with their dogs and Ill get to hear about the fun they had.I know I am doing the right thing ,Im just frustrated.Just whining...luckylu
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Jeanette your Mom looks like a lovely lady. You were very lucky. I hope you are taking care of you now. (I should take my own advice)
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Lucky maybe they will all have ticks??? And bug bites!
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and poison ivy!
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