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Praying Shilo..I do know that feeling..and seems like when you least expect to, you find what was missing...but praying that even now God will reveal to you where the pearls are...as Sharadale said so well..amen
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Well, I got up a little before the alarm went off went to the bathroom, then decided to lie back down for a few and say my morning prayers...oh boy...I fell asleep again and had one of those crazy crazy dreams...Jeanette you were in it..along with your sweet pibbles......my brother was in it, my Daddy and he had a gun that shot rocks and all my Daddy's family came down here, did not even come in to check on Mama and me and had a big old messy picnic in our front yard...which was like a lakeside pavilion...it ended with me throwing a huge bucket of water on all of them and calling them all a bunch of SOB's.....when I woke up, I was lying there trying to think of how I could kill them all and then it dawned on me it was a dream...I am already worn out...
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The Hospice nurse just left after telling us she will be gone for 2 weeks agajn starting on Monday.The bathaid has already been gone on vacation and has the rest of this week to go equalling 2 weeks for her too.The bad part is,Mother will only allow this 1 bathaid and no one else but me to touch her so Im really more on my own.
Yesterday when I was trying to take a minute and brush my own teeth,I heard my brother say"Is Lu here?"It hit me hard and I immediatly came out and said "Where would I be?I never get to go anywhere...Ever!!!" and I blew up at him for the first time in over 9 years.It suprised him for sure because I never say how Im feeling.Being in constant mental and physical pain,my patience is on thin ice.
Thats my rant this am.
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Praying you find that jewelry, Shilo.

I'm currently on a search for something myself - my contigo water bottle that I misplaced 2 days ago. Considering that it contained iced coffee with cream when I lost it, by the time I find it, I'll probably have to throw it away. :-( Can't figure out for the life of me where I set it down! The house isn't that darn big.....

Hope, I find that I have the WORST, weirdest dreams when I get up and then go back to sleep again. Horrible, realistic dreams that stay with me for days.

Left a message for the nurse manager on Mom's floor, hoping to hear back from her soon on where the dementia evaluation stands - we really need to get that done.

Finally getting some stuff done around the house today - last week was a complete washout due to the holiday - my work is extremely busy around the holidays and I can't get anything else done. Also waiting on the medical equipment company to pick up Mom's hospital bed and O2 tanks and concentrator...seems so final, but there's no need to keep it here now that she's in the NH.
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Just got a call back from the nurse manager - they're still waiting on the psych/dementia eval to be done and they have no control over it - they send the order out and the doc comes in and does it when they can work it into their schedule. (sigh) So I guess we wait. She did say the staff had a meeting about Mom the other day and all agreed that she's getting depressed being in a single room, and that she would benefit greatly from a switch to a room where she has a roommate, and to another floor, where there are more activities all day long - that the rehab/therapy floor is strictly that - rehab/therapy, and their goal is to get people better and send them home - so there are fewer activities.
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Susan, remember that a LOT of doctors take vacation around holidays (just like the rest of us if we can-ha). We are still waiting to hear back from surgeon regarding my husband's lab results and if he'll need surgery...so waiting patiently with you and hope you get answers/movement of your Mom to social floor soon.
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I FOUND OUR JEWELRY! My jewelry was with my mother's. I have an amethyst cross necklace my mother bought me that was with her jewelry. Thank you one and all!!! I said a prayer to St. Jude and drove over to my Aunt's house to check in her closet. I had stored my important documents, safety deposit box, etc. there when we were as my mother put it "homeless" last year. We had to live in hotel rooms. At one point I removed papers from the safe. In order to get to the safe I had to move the box and put it on a shelf but didn't put it back when I was finished. My aunt did some cleaning and put some tissue on top of the box never realizing it was there. I did not see it when I picked up all my containers. I am so relieved. The box is full of keepsakes. It has pictures of my father when he was in the navy and of my two dogs. I can't wait to go through the box again. Now I can finish getting ready. Thanks again.
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CentralMassach, and then there is the issue whenever I want a "brand name" prescription medicine and the pharmacy gives you "generic", telling you it the same. I know from experience it is not always the same. Then comes the search trying to find a pharmacy that even sells the brand name, or they can't order it, etc.

Happiness is find that one pharmacy that has that one pharmaceutical manufacturer in their Rolodex :)

I worry so much about our elders who probably are dealing with side effects which are covered up by yet another prescription pill to deal with that side effect which in turns brings on another side effect. You get the picture. No wonder they take 15-30 pills a day :P
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Me too Susan...they are rarely ever good ones..just crazy, chaotic, wicked ones where I wake up being so unsettled and upset...too much truth to them, even though they're crazy as heck.

Katie...dear I do that too...I am always thinking back to December 2013 when Mama took that one little turn, me standing right there holding onto her, but down she went and broke that ankle and after the surgery to set it, has never been the same mentally...Granted, she had been not the same mentally since her major accident, but at least she seemed to understand a little more...And then I find myself doing the "what if this?" "If only i had" and on and on..and it will drive you crazy because you CAN:T change it...it's done, it's over and no going back..I find that when Im not worn out I am better able to put those memories on the shelf but these days I am so tired all the time and I absolutely hate it when I fall asleep during the day because as bad as my vertigo has gotten, it is so much worse when I wake up...

I wish yall could have seen Mama yesterday when she was having her little chat with God only knows who...she was really chattering, looked so happy, was smiling so much...like she used to be...I wanted so much to know who she was talking to...I wish they could or would tell us..I guess that's not meant to be either..all I know is it sure was comforting to me to see her talking with someone..I'm thinking on the other side, being happy, laughing, smiling...I will try to remember that moment when a sadder time comes....and try to be happy for her knowing she didn't have to stay behind in a frail tired body, but was able to go and rejoice and join those she loves..

.the past few days especially have made me so aware of how alone I have always been...and I have always been this way...It is just who I am...nothing wrong with it, it's just the way I find my peace and stay close to my spiritual side...It is upsetting to me how pretty much the rest of my family and most of my friends are NOT like this and so they don't get it and I think they take my solitude seeking for being an ass...I am going to stop letting it bother me, easier said than done, but this is who I am..and thank God for it actually because it is one of the things that has helped me survive having been otherwise abandoned at the gate after Mama came home...God always knows what He is doing for He knows what is ahead....Mama always told me that too...I used to worry and fret over all the what if's and she would tell me you will understand it all one day, maybe right now it's just not meant for us to know...stop worrying, worrying will kill you....she was and is right...
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That's awesome Shilo!!!! I was sitting her a few minutes ago and I thought...I bet she'll find it shortly...thank you Lord!!!
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ff, you are right...not all generics are the same as their counterparts...Back when I was able to afford my depression meds that truly helped, I took Lexapro and they came out with something later that they alleged was similar...it was no where near comparable..cheaper yes, but it was worthless to me. as are the depression meds the doctor I see prescribes me...not worth a flip...
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freqflyer:
I don't know why pharmacies tell you that generic drugs are the same - they make them cheaper somehow - they are not the same. It may be the coating, the way they're mixed or something, but they are most definitely the same. I too worry about the elderly taking so many medications. I wish there were some way to stop this viscous cycle. It didn't seem this way years ago when there wasn't such a thing as "generics" - maybe some side effects because of the medication, but nowhere near the amount we have now. Maybe we should go back to the old-fashioned way! Keep up you posts.
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Shilo8: So glad you found your jewelry! Prayers were answered.
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Shilo, I am praying you find the jewelry.....When moving my Mom years ago, I had misplaced a wall thermometer of my Mom's and I found it 14 years later...in a kitchen cupboard in a box of all places. Often when we are in a hurry we stick something somewhere where it is out of sight at that moment and not where we think we put it....do you remember where it was the last time you saw it?? sometimes this jogs the memory. This reminds me of the time when my Dad passed away and his favorite little hammer disappeared....it appeared back in the drawer about a year later, puzzling because no one in the family had used it. I told Mom that maybe Dad had needed that hammer wherever he now was.....
Babalou, sometimes I ruminate but luckily not too often...it seems it has been happening lately because it is the one year anniversary to when Mom went into that second NH which turned out to be awful....I need to build new memories of this time of year maybe by thinking back before all this happened. So many times in the past year I have said to myself..."this just can't be happening!!" when something awful occurred. I am even having a day like that today, now suddenly worrying about my husband's health in addition to Mom's....ugh. Always out of left field.
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Well it was only a matter of time before the siblings started sticking their fingers into how the services were going to go. Last I heard from my bro yesterday morning he hadn't even had any return call from any other siblings so they didn't know our mom passed. Now my cousin has talked to my other bro and one sis is planning to have one of the priests from her parish speak at the graveside. A graveside service is suppose to be a short service, not an all day affair. She is setting this up all on her own...just like her.
I just picked up the rental car. Will pack everything tonight, get some sleep and leave in the morning. I figure on stopping and phoning a friend if I needed a break from driving. Now I just have to figure out how to open the gas tank to fill it up.
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shilo, I just learned something this past week about a hint to the driver on which side the gas tank is located on. Evidently, there is a little arrow pointing to the right side. My car is too old for that, but I imagine a rental being fairly new, has the arrow. There is usually nothing tricky about opening it to get the gas in.
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Luckylu, at least your brother was really, physically there, alive, right? Not a sress-induced apparition?
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Shilo, you must be in a hurry, and you are stressed.
One cannot find anything under the circumstances you described.
It often helps me when I give up trying to find it. Then, there it is.
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Glad, I went to the gas station where they know me and was going to ask the clerk. Before I went in I just did the old fashion flip the lid and open sesame! As you said, nothing tricky about it. On my 08' van you have to pop it open from the inside first so I have been looking for the inside release button for the past half hour. If I added all the time I have taken to look for things in the past few days...suppose I am being distracted for a reason.
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Shilo8, oh, I'm so glad that you found your Mom's jewelry, those things can really drive us batty, and of course it always seems to be something very important to us, and under a time deadline to boot! And now you've got your transportation sorted out, is all falling in to place. Be prepared for the little kinks that may arise with the meddling family members m and try to let the little things slide off your back, as they are not worth working yourself up over it. I'm sure it will be a lovely memorial! Please drive safely as of course you have alot on your mind. And can easily become lost in the what ifs. Many year's ago, in the week before Christmas, and when our 4 kids when our four kids were all under 7, and we were living on a very tight budget, I lost my check book, I had brought in a load of Christmas presents that I was hiding them in our laundry room. My husband and I had both deposited our paychecks into said account, and so much was planned with that monies for over the weekend, picking Lay a ways, santa pictures, , Christmas party potluck, etc, and of course it started a row, with Hubby, but n Sat noght, in the nick of time, hile starting a waash load , I found it, nd whew, what a relief! Christmas was saved. So many times when we are under stress, and our brain is on rapid fire, the darndest thing's create such unexpected havoc! Here's to you enjoying a beautiful celebration of your sweet Mom's life! I pray that is stressfree and filled wth happy memories. You take care of yourself now! With fondest regards and my deepest Sympathy, Stacey B.
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I'm so sorry I am unable to do a complete spell check as I cannot see what I am writing in the little box while I am on my tablet. Please forgive me for my boo boos!
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Shilo...Safe travels to. I will be praying all goes nicely for you and your sweet Mom. Sounds like some of the siblings are going to overextend their desires but you were there through the times that mattered so I'm sure it will go amorality and you will know you have done your best..hugs to you
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Do you think if I claim I have laryngitis I won't have to talk to any of those siblings? I could have my cousin give a tribute. You should have heard her speak of my mother when I called her. She knew before I said anything. Then she gave the most beautiful tribute without taking a breath or using an hum or hunting for words to say about my mother. I did ask her to help me write something and will no doubt ask her to read it.

My brother called this evening. The other siblings want a church service and would I object or do I just want the graveside service. He doesn't want a big long church service. I suggested having a small service at the funeral home then going to the graveside. That sounded good to him. I told him if there was a service at the funeral home the others would have to pay for it up front and the funeral director knows this. I do not have the money and will not take any IOU's from any of them...don't trust them. He will talk to the others and let me know in the morning what they have decided so I can make final arrangements. I see my brother is so lost, our family has fallen apart...dissolved the way it has. Since he is the oldest son maybe he feels partly responsible in some way. He tried to repair the bridge as did I but it was too damaged. I will talk to him and tell him that. I hope he listens because I think he is in a deep dark place.

Off to finish packing then get some sleep. I hope to be able to connect when I am away. I will be thinking of all of you and hope you and your loved ones, be they human or animal, stay close.

Am I the only one that misses chocolate?...
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What do you mean you miss chocolate? Isn't dark chocolate the actual treatment for soooooo many things?
Let me see if I've got this right: Antioxidant properties defeats free radicals. Caffeine in chocolate with coffee helps to stay awake while you drive. Chocolate has a chemical called PEA that imitates being in love? (Not sure anymore).
My husband says chocolate products with sugar can be avoided if you're diabetic, by eating baking chocolate, but that sounds as far-fetched as my chocolate ideas above, because I can no longer confirm them.
. See the newer studies about not avoiding chocolate.
SHILO, why do you miss chocolate?
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I even heard the other day that now they are saying milk chocolate is fid for you. ..i love the dark semi sweet but glad all of it is ok..of course i know they don't mean i can chow down on a lb block...my favorite is the godiva sea salt dark chocolate. .actually one square of that is very satisfying so i guess that is ok...my thing is anything is ok these days. . :) be careful shilo...we love you
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My prayers will be with Shilo as you take this journey that we all have or will have to take. My heart breaks for you.
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Shilo I had all kinds of worries over my Mom's memorial and it ended up being fine.

I hope things go as good or even better for you. My Mom's death has changed things in my family. We used to avoid certain subjects in fear of offending my Mom. We discussed some of them at the get together after her memorial. It was cathartic. I hope you can communicate with your brother. Voice your concerns about him. You never know. He might open up. Its worth a try. God Bless you!
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Speaking of chocolate. I have a big Hershey bar sitting in my fridge so it won't melt. Its been so darn hot. I just might eat the whole thing tonight. I know I'll regret it but it sure will feel good while I'm eating it.
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And I just finished off 4 Hershey kisses with almonds. See what you guys made me do? Bad! (But the chocolate was good.)
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Why am I wishing for those "bite sized" chocolate from Halloween?? True story, found several tucked away in the back of moms drawer today Kinda melty so I didn't risk it.

Shilo, have a SAFE trip!! Pull over and nap if you get sleepy... take your time. Honestly, we all hope you can connect while there so we know you made it safe n sound!!
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