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More of a whimper than a whine - my dear FIL is asking us to help him find a retirement community. Now, I know how truly blessed we are that he's been so loving as to do all he can to help us help him. But my heart is heavy with this transition for this strong, amazing man. He's going to blanch when he sees the cost of these places.

Thanks to all of you, I'm better able to help my newly retired nurse sister with not one or two, but three family members who are trying to enlist her as a caregiver for themselves or loved ones. Going to re-read advice to Hope......
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Hope, hang in there. Take it one day at a time. I wish I could mow the lawn. It always gave me a sense of satisfaction to see it when it was done. I have an acre and a half and used to do sections at a time with a self propelled mower. We have a riding mower now, but ai can't mow the lawn any more because of my back, neck, and shoulder problems.
As far as the things that have to get done, write he down and prioritize them based on need and cost and then take one job at a time. I write three things to do on the chalk board and erase them as they get accomplished. That really helps make me feel like I was accomplishing things. Depression can keep you from getting only thing done. I used to be a hard worker that accomplished more than anyone in the office, multitasking and kicking myself at the same time because I was really just asking for more assignments. Well in retirement, it is a little differen. If Mom wasn't here I would probably be sleeping most days.
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Having to take a brief break. Managed to get a large part of the front yard mowed...Got it raked, then mowed, which is how I want it because it looks so much cleaner...my little pushmower has been around a long time and the carbuator (sp) has an issue so it goes through the gas really fast, so if I am doing a really good job it always runs out before I finish the front...so I have to let it cool before I can pour more gas in there because the last thing that needs to happen is for me to explode....why yall needed or wanted to hear all that I don't know and why I'm still typing I don't know...but anywho...at least came in and was sitting and praying beside Mama's bedside and she was smiling when I looked at her...so I started cutting up withher and she started laughing..so that will give me what I need to get back out there and get it done....I guess on a positive note, it is so hot it feels like a sauna and I am literally pouring sweat which is actually a good thing because I feel like I'm getting rid of a lot of toxins....as miserable as this hot yard and garden work is, it sure feels good when it's done well and you can get a hot bath and admire all the hard work you've done...so that being said...I shall return.....
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Sharadale..exactly...you are so right...and you know, that is what I can't wrap my head around, I have always been a workhorse...like you I searched for MORE work to do at work...never seemed to tire, could work circles around most everyone I knew..including a lot of men...but the depression is really making me feel so blank....I can't even describe it...just blank...the meds don't help so I will see if he can give me something different or up the current dose when I go back...

In all honesty I do feel better already after all the hard work out there this morning...once it's mowed I have discovered a lot of tweeking and pruing..I do love yard work, that's why I hate I seem to have gotten to almost detest it so much...because i don't understand myself ...thanks for those works...on a funny note..my little pup is toting this huge stuffed dog arond with her and putting it in her bed...bless her heart, it seems to be a comfort to her..she's such a sweet little dog...
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A little off the path here, but are other people having trouble making sense of some of the posts on AC now? I find myself wondering what is being said and how it's relevant. Am I getting dementia. Sometimes I just want to respond with a "Huh???"
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Jessie, yes, absolutely. There are some questions or discussions that I read and think to myself, what the heck?! I will just leave them alone. I find I have an even harder time when punctuation is not used, and have told some people that, they don't appreciate it, but, I just cannot decipher what they are trying to say. Sometimes, I think those posts must be done electronically, or something. Maybe it is people posting from phones which is very difficult, because it is so hard to read what you have entered. And adding punctuation evidently is more difficult on smart phones.
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Jessie, YES! I've always wanted to go through those type of post/questions with a one word reply. Seriously, I can't count the times I wanted to do that. Maybe one day :)

Susan, ask the director to tell you what choices of roommates mom could have, then YOU go to each one and help make the decision. No one knows mom like you do.

I feel like a normal person today... which means I feel like catching up on all the house stuff. yay :/
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normal is good, Jeanette! I find myself wondering what my "new normal" is, because my life is still not quite there yet. I want to do things around the house to spiff it up, but feel like maybe I shouldn't make it more "mine" yet by bringing in more of my belongings than Mom's. Can't wait for this cloud of guilt to lift. Feels icky.

Sitting here staring at a mountain of bills - mine and Mom's - and trying to set aside some time to crunch numbers and do up a budget this weekend. It's going to be very, very tight for a while - probably about a year - until I get things paid off. I think I can swing it, but may have to consider taking on some additional part-time clients in order to do it without starving. Mom's income disappears as of the first of next month, so it's not like I had much of any warning or time to prep for this.
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hope, I love yard work too. It's been too hot here to do much, even though I have been watering my veggies everyday, they are not doing well :( Hopefully your depression will lift by doing the hard work. It usually works for me :)

Susan, yes, normal is a good feeling. I got a full solid 9 hours of sleep last night first time since mom passed. Hmmm, perhaps it was the 1200 mgs of gabapentin my dr prescribed for me yesterday. She MADE me make an apt with the psychologist, says I need to decompress from the last 4 years or I will explode. You think?

Susan, I know your mother didn't pass away but she is gone now. Yes, you can visit her but... it's still somehow like being left alone like me. You will still have the guilt, probably moresoe as you visit and see her decline. Jessie had such wonderful words for you... hopefully you will accept the guilt as a normal feeling and keep moving. Your mother, in her right mind would totally understand. Sometimes life isn't fair and whoever called it the "Golden Years" was full of shit!!

Shar, so wonderful your husband is helping out, but 7 bottles?? LOL Cute in a weird way :)

Poochie is doing very good. He's up and walking about, ate his breakfast and doesn't seem to be in any pain. I'm telling you, this little fellow has always been a super dog. Heck, I thought he was dying many times...hehehe, general age related symptoms. Hey, I'm still a caregiver ! LOL
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I do have a 'Whine". The people who post questions and get a ton of wonderful replies, yet the original poster never comes back. wth?
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The Hospice nurse just left after telling me that Mother doesnt have much longer to live..She said"your old Mother died a long time ago,didnt she?"Always a kick to my broken heart...She never says anything positive or happy.Im already scared and worried,so that doesnt help me.
Now my 2 older brothers have appearred at lunchtime.They are discussing where they will meet for dinner tonite and where they will go hiking tomarrow.They do nothing to help Mother or I ever.Sunday,on their so-called visit to Mother,they will show her pictures of the fun they had.I am beyond hurt by both of them.
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Jessie, I know what you mean by those postings.... it's either a short drive-by posting of 10 words where you need to pull more information from the original poster.... or it's a very long post like a script for a Lifetime Movie and the original poster returns with Part 2. In either case your not sure what is being asked. Could be they are so tired they can't think straight.

Glad, same problem here with those original posting that have one 250 word sentence. It can read so many different ways. I also heard the problem could be the devise they are using to type on.... also hard to make paragraphs. So much for new technology.... give me my old desk top computer :)
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Lucky lucky, I think you need to ask for another Hospice nurse. I don't think she is helping anyone with comments like that. No matter how your mom is, she needs to be respectful of ur feelings.
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Fregflyer, old desktop computer? My husband is rolling his eyes into the back of his head because I insisted that I really need a typewriter to get some letters written. A search found a few, but I did not get one yet. Can't the eyes stick like that????
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Worked weeding at a customers house this morning-she had major surgery and will be in rehab until September as she was not in the best health to begin with.
I would to stop in and visit her should I call the rehab place to find the best times?

Stopped and saw dad this afternoon. I forgot to mention yesterday when I was chatting with one of the other residents who lives a couple doors down the hall from dad she mentioned that dad looks for mom and he must miss her a lot. I got choked up and didn't know what to say as the activity director and his assistant have told me the same.
Dad must have been active last night his summer and winter clothes all changed around in closet and emptied a nightstand drawer and combined it with the other.
Plus today he brought up about where he is to live, where his truck is and those 'animals' in the field outside his window (it's a weedy grass that is tan/cream colored). These topics he repeated about 10 mines each in a 30 minute span.
I did get time out of his room and to the living room where there are other people sitting.
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BTW, if my techie husband is so "with the times" (4-6 computers) and knowledge, shouldn't he be roflol? (rolling on the floor, laughing out loud)?, instead of rolling his eyes? I am soooo very hurt.
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In need of suggestions my mom doesn't want to do anything but watch TV all day.
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In need of suggestions my mom doesn't want to do anything but watch TV all day.
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Sendme2help, oh how I wished I had a typewriter to do envelopes. Recently I had an injury where I couldn't use my writing hand.... ok, how am I going to write envelopes. If I use my left hand it will look like a 3 year old did the writing.

A typewriter is much quicker and easier if you are doing a couple of envelopes. Just put the envelope in the typewriter, center it correctly, type. Done.

Using a computer you need to wake up the computer and the printer and sometimes that could take several minutes... then search for labels [now where did I put THAT box].... now you need to look for the program to design the label, and if it has been awhile of not using said program it could take mega time to look for the program.... oh gosh, what size are these labels?... hope these labels are from the right box. Now you need to change the font and the font size so it's not too small.... decisions, decisions.... ok, maybe a color will be nice.... let's change the font again... wonder if dark blue would work. It could take a half hour to print one label :P

I'm with you sendme2help :)
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womenofGod, does your Mom like to look at magazines or picture books? I give my Mom lots of gardening,travel, and decorating magazines to look at so she isn't always watching TV.
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Wow so much to process!! Susan I really feel for you. The nursing home my Mom was in everyone had their own room and my Mom preferred it that way. Her privacy and dignity was so important to her. But it would be nice if your Mom could find a nice kindred spirit to room with so you could rest easy at night. I pray you find that.

Jeanette so happy your dog is doing fine. My cat is sleeping on my foot right now. He has a foot fetish I think. When I am using the bathroom he wanders in and puts his paw on my foot. Such a sweetie.

Lucky you definitely need a hospice worker with a lot more sensitivity than that. Jeeze. I wonder if these people get so jaded they forget who they are dealing with.

Hope its good to have a good bawl even if you didn't mean to do it. I seem to burst into tears at the weirdest times these days. Grocery store line ups etc. The men in the white coats might come for me if I'm not careful.
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Lucky...I just feel so awful for you to have a nurse like that. IMO it is so inappropriate for her to say so many of the things she has said. There must be a huge difference in hospices as I am seeing on other posts from a lot of seemingly bad hospice experiences...Even with the first one who left a lot to be desired, they were very kind just didn't provide a lot of the services Mama needed and were not communicative but neither one ever was verbally harsh to me. So wrong on so many levels...You can ask for a different nurse can't you?

Gershun, I guess I needed to do it but sure didn't mean to.didn't even feel it coming on, the aid was hugging me as she was leaving and it was like someone turned on the water works...I figured a good headache was going to follow that but once I got in the yard and worked my behind off I guess all the sweating got rid of the toxins and stuff, and for sure, Jeanette, it definitely did help my mental outlook, as it always does.

The pup decided she wanted to go for a run tonight and before I could grab her she scooted out the door like a shot. I had already put on my pj's which meant no bra (or drawers either for that matter because I put all my clothes in the washing machine) and my pj's pants even had a hold in the bottoms...barefooted...so here I go running through the neighborhood, stuff flying in every direction and Annie was running like she was headed to a big pile of pupperoni.....The new neighbors who across the street got to see quite a show I'm guessing and she kept going. Finally, she went into a neighbor's carport and got trapped in the corner so I grabbed her harness...crisis averted...but I can't undo what all those people had to see .....little varmit..
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Hope its good to know that I'm not the only one who wears pajamas with holes in them. No sexy sleepwear for me.
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Mom and I wear PJ's for hours in the morning. For me it is my statement, I'm retired and I don't have to get dressed. We are building an addition to the house to make Mom a suite big enough for her to feel comfortable. So this morning the workers we there in front of the house working on the stem wall and my husband was laughing at me because the dogs we barking and I was trying to stop the barking but I also wanted to shower and change out of my PJ's. Every time I was trying to get in the shower the dogs would start barking again and I am running around in my PJ's passing the window, feeling awkward while my husband is laughing saying you're wearing clothes, what's the problem!
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LuckyLu, you definitely need to see if someone with more tact and compassion is available from the hospice agency. That kind of comment, while probably not meant to be hurtful, does more harm than good.

Mom's roommate came back from the hospital tonight while I was getting Mom tucked in, so they'll probably get to know each other tomorrow. She's not super talkative, but she did just come back from a pretty long hospital say and apparently has some pretty major medical conditions going on - so she's probably pretty tired right now.

I had a major comedic calamity tonight. Decided to treat myself to a rum n' coke and some pork rinds. Sitting at my desk, typing away, sipping my drink and munching my pork rinds, when suddenly a BIG black ant crawled around the top of the hutch on the desk, and sat there, as if taunting me. I called his bluff and swung at him with a thick envelope, squashing him flat - and knocking my drink over into my keyboard, all over my desk (soaking papers, sticky notes and bills) and into my bag of pork rinds. I scrambled to pull the papers out of the mess that I could salvage, trashed the sticky notes after committing their contents to memory (I hope I remember them), dumped the liquid out of my keyboard, and trashed my now-soggy pork rinds.

Now I need another drink, darn it.
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lol....except for the holes, my pj's probably look better on me than a lot of other things...but some of them have been with me so long they are like old friends and so are thread bare in places...but soooo soft and comfortable...the funny thing about tonight was I had thrown on a pair of my favorite capris and an old tshirt/pj top...that said..."this is what awesome looks like"...hahahaha

Sharadale, I don't think guys even notice our pj's unless they're silk nightie type pj's and mine are as far from that these days as they could possibly be....
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Hope, I invested in some nice cotton knit long nightgowns last year - I just love them. They are sensible, practical, cool in summer, warm in winter - just perfect. I refuse to wear fancy frilies to bed alone - what's the point?

A scene from a Stephen King movie comes to mind:

Vera (a stroke victim, looking down at her cotton nightgown): I *hate* this nightgown.

Dolores (her caregiver): Well, your days of silk n' satin are long gone, Vera. It's strictly wash n' wear from now on!

Some of us hit that wash n' wear stage earlier than others. I'm one of them.
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Susan thats so funny. One little ant can cause so much destruction. It reminds me of those raid commercials. I picture a bunch of ants cheering while your papers were getting soaked.
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Oh Susan I love that movie...And the thing was those two women actually had a true friendship, but poor old Dolores was treated like crap the entire time...and you know it is the first time I ever thought of it as a caregiver situation until now...OMG..I'll never watch it in the same way again....excellent movie....
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Meant to say really that while I knew she was a caregiver, I never identified so much with it til now....
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