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Funny I was laying in bed the other night imagining my hubby coming on this site to tell you all I had a heart attack and died. I think I know why I don't sleep. I lay awake and think morbid thoughts.
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You're not alone Gersh dear. I lay awake and go through the past 3 years step by step. Then I add more morbidity to it. Lately though, it's the dreams that are getting to me. Normally I love dreams. Means I get to see people who I miss so much.

This morning I woke up around 4:30 a.m., forced myself to go back to bed. All I did was dream one weird thing after the other, and no loved ones involved. My oldest brother and his wife was there though...for some reason I had to move suddenly and I didn't have time to get everything, so when I got to wherever it was that I moved to I realized I'd left so much behind. All daddy's tools in the garage which I love going through looking for just what I need. All my yard care stuff...mower, weed whacker, blower...all of it, then all of the sudden I realized I'd left my laptop. I INSISTED my brother drive me the 8 hours back right there and then. He took me and 4 other people from his wife's side the next day... come to find out I'd left my dogs there too.

Wait, that wasn't a dream more like a nightmare. Woke up sweaty and more tired than before.

Please don't have a heart attack. I will not move and leave all I love behind either. sigh.
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Gershun, pool and hot tub! And remember, no suit necessary!
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pamz...love the grand pup..I have a new puppy I dressed up in a cute little outfit..it had a pair of matching sunglasses and a little hat...she was not too crazy about the shades and hat but seemed to like the little striped tutu.....love the pic.

Stacey...well there you are! How pretty! I do love to see folks on here and may put my pic on as well...but its not too far off from the one on here now....at least that's how I feel....lol

We had a quiet day...no excitement..just the way I like em...watched that ridiculous Bachelor in Paradise..why do I watch that inane show??? all those gloriously handsome folks with apparently zero for brains....so sad....

I really enjoy that show Naked and Afraid....the new one XL where it is the veteran folks who stay longer...it is going to get crazy I think...I'm not too fond of the killing though. I have to turn it when I think something is about to happen on that realm.

I was changing into my pj's this evening only to find that my puppy had peed on them. I guess that was their opinion of my not letting her go with me to the bank drive through.....

Depaction...Not fun by any way shape or form....Thank goodness I have not had to do that in a year or so...there was a while though that it was almost an every third day ritual...I did it, but it was not pleasant..but bless her heart...I'm sure it was even worse for my sweet Mama.

I have missed her a lot today...Odd to say that I know when she's right here...but she has been quiet today again...and when she gets this way it reminds me too much of what I know is coming...I try not to think on and dwell on it...but every now and then it sneaks in....I don't even want my mind to go there..Just going to try to enjoy what we have now...and trust that God will handle the rest.

I hope you all have had wonderful weekends...I'm still making way through all the posts...If you don't get on here all day you miss a world of events....sweet dreams all....
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Jeanette I've been reliving the last couple of yrs. too. I go over that last week of my Mom's life in my head repeatedly. I know its pointless but its those quiet hrs. just before sleep that my mind goes there. I still miss her so much and I want to think about her but my mind seems to just go to the negative places instead of the happier times.

Hey Jeanette I was meaning to ask you, did you ever go to that grief counselor?
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I think we all think those thoughts about getting sick. Every now and then, Mom says, I don't know what I would do without you. She has three sons and two stepsons and she says this. It puts a lot of pressure on me for staying well. Also as many of you have said, although I take great care of Mom, I don't take such great care of myself. I would like to lose at least 80 lbs and get more flexible, but it is really hard when you are on all kinds of pain mess and depression Jed's. I started the depression mess when my stepson started going wild and my husband and I started fighting over him. It has taken some time to come to mutual understanding but visiting him in prison very month was very stressful and seeing his mother and grandmother continuing to enable him, watching him screw up over and over again while inside didn't help either one of us. So it has been about 9 years on depression Jed's which puts weight on. Then I had an accident that required surgery which left me disabled and in chronic pain. That didn't help the depression.
I have always been a comfort eater. I remember one of you saying the same thing. In he last ten years I have gained that 80 lbs and felt I was overweight then. My dad passed at the age of 44 from heart disease so although I haven't had any signs of problems, I do have a Mitral valve prolapse and an erratic heartbeat. Needless to say, I need to take responsibility for my health especially if I want a life afterMom passes.
About 15 years ago, my stepfather paid for Mom and I to take an awesome vacation in England. I made jokes that she could walk blocks around me. I thought she would need to rest and take it slow! Was I mistaken. She kicked my butt!
Any way, I think I'll have a piece of key lime pie and see if it makes me sleepy. Good night all.
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Falcon...I loved...LOVED your story about the training of the falcon....I would like to copy that and keep it in my keepsakes book...very meaningful on so many levels..

Gershun..re high school reunions...NOPE, NOPE, and NOPE...I hate them. I did go to my ten year one...but didn't want to...It turned out being fun because in high school I was very plain, wore very little makeup and did not dress trendy ...like you, I was a lot taller than most of the other kids, even some of the guys and I got bullied a lot...so it was pure h#ll for me as well...the fun thing about my only reunion was that I had somewhat transformed myself over the course of those 10 years...I wasn't horrid before, but I had kind of transformed from a cocoon into a butterfly and no one even knew who I was....that made it fun...bunch of jerks...we had a huge all year reunion this past summer and that is one time my brother told me he would stay with Mama if I wanted to go. I told him, are you kidding me??? YOU are the one who is the big people person...you know I hated high school and had no desire to see those people again...he thought I was joking...I wasn't.

Veronica...you know what? I spent part of today looking at "tiny house plans" for something that would be "me" and would be cozy, little upkeep but just enough for me and the furtots....Would love to have that on about 50 acres...they might never see me again...the gators are a good idea...I wouldn't have to be there to light them to make them attack but would have to be on the lookout for my babies...Then again, I could get me one of those drone things and shoot at people from my upstairs porch....
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Shara...yep...I'm all about comfort food...

It has gotten so late now I need to just go to bed and forget it though...I did better today than usual...One of my cats has a headless chicken toy that she loves to play with...and now she has decided to play with it in the middle of the night. she is so funny...Makes the cutest little bubblings sounds as she's throwing it everywhere....

I dream very troubling dreams..crazy stuff mostly Jeanette....make no sense kind of things...I used to have the most vivid colorful meaningful dreams...now it seems they are always involving my handling something very sad and depressing...which I guess just goes with the current territory...OK..I really am going this time..sorry about all the long winded posts.... Love you all...good night...
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Hope I know what you mean. I wasn't ugly in high school. Just very insecure and extremely sensitive. Which bullies just love don't they. In fact I quit high school because of the bullying. I just couldn't take it anymore. There was one guy in particular who just made my life h*ll. I did go back and get my diploma later though. I wasn't stupid.

But I have seen some of those people since then and they all look so old. I look much younger than my age. So I guess I get the last laugh. Boo Ya!
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Hope living in Florida where we do have a gator in our ponds, I am more afraid of coyotes getting my chickens and fur babies. My pups love to run in the pasture but I do not let them out of our fenced in acre. They like to eat cow poop! It is like a delicacy to them, lol! Sometimes they roll in it. I had to have my male golden fixed because I was afraid he would go looking for a female coyote at night and get into it with the pack. Now he is much better at listening to me.my female golden isn't allowed off the leash except when she is playing ball because she tried to eat one of my chickens! The little chihuahua mix in the picture is a pistol! He goes after these giant cows, barking at them and chasing them in the pasture! He too is a poop eater and an armadillo and possum hunter! He is fearless. He would probably like to run with the coyotes as well. There are some nights when we have the doors to the screen porch open and we hear the pack of coyotes tipping and howling and running right through our back yard. It is awesome but also scary.
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gershun and every other one that was bullied, I feel your pain. As a child, I was teased mercilessly buy my brothers and bullied on the bus and in school. I had no self esteem and I was one of two scapegoats on the bus. It wasn't until I got out of HS that things improved for me. Throat horrible boy on the bus used to get them all chanting Ruby Lips because I have big lips. Now people pay to have lip injections!!
The same kid used to sit behind one kid name David and flick his ears. What a creep he was. We were both so happy when his family moved out of Jersey to Fl! After college, he came back and actually had the balls to ask David for a job in his business! It gave David so much pleasure to send him packing. Lol
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Gershun..hehe...same here...I think they no longer could bully me having seen most of them....but as you said, I was always very quiet and kept to myself and you are so right...those are the ones folks LOVE to get hold of...and they were unmerciful....it was awful.

Shara...wow...I guess I was not even thinking of coyotes being that far south...you know, once all my babies are in...there is something kind of cozy about hearing them howling up in the mountains...but when I first moved home I had no idea how bad they were here because Mama had always had cats here and they never seemed to have problems with them. Maybe it was because I had several foster cats at the time and could not abandon them so they all came with me..it breaks my heart knowing I was unaware or just stupid about how bad it was and I did lose several to them...But then I lost my sweet little one just a couple of months ago as well...and I was on extreme alert then...I guess you do what you can..and that's all you can do...but I do love nature..it is hard for me to hate anything that is just doing what it does...but I do bring my babies in at night now...speaking of...they are all piled on the foot of my bed as we speak...which I'm about to curl up right beside them....they sure do look cozy... :) sweet dreams...maybe I'll have one of my good dreams for a change...
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Awesome Shara! I have NO patience for a bully of any kind. I am so different now than I was then and now they would be picking the dust out of their teeth had they bullied me, but then I was just the little mild mannered bookworm who was a long straight haired wholesome kid whose parents were really strict about what I wore so I didn't wear the trendy things that the other girls wore...I had to wear pretty dresses and that really got me into hot water. Now I think it was jealousy...but I couldn't see it then..but all i remember is how painful it was....nope, no love lost between me and those gomers....
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Hope same here. My Mom wouldn't let us wear jeans. I always dressed really well, just not cool. Plus I was real innocent and naive. Didn't smoke pot and the school I went to was a pot smokers dream.

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
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Gershen, you are right, we would make good emergency responders too, but I am driving, not flying. Send Me! Or, from my phone, I can do wonders just because I am so willing. I once sent a limousine to take someone to an airport, then arranged to fly them to an airport near me, then picked them up. (They were sick).
They were home that night. Another time I just sent the best soup delivered to a friend because I didn't have a car. But I had more money then, and much time on the phone with credit card. That was crazy.
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Shara, With that land you very well could have a retirement village of caregivers. Starting with a resort R.V. park idea, you could place at least 100 tiny houses in a corner of the land and receive a passive income for life. Most tiny house owners have less than 100 sq. ft. and are very interested in living off-grid very cheaply, some are survivalists. When I read your posts, I think of Australia, an outpost of 40 acres in the bushwack outback of Australia. I don't know why. Now that Veronica has suggested a moat with aligators, I am thinking castles in Ireland.
Have a good night, Sharadale, and everyone on here tonight who has already stayed up past bedtime. Tomorrow, we should maybe think of posting the bedtime rituals that give the sleepless a better chance of a good night's sleep.

Thinking of you, GERSHEN
Thinking of you, LUCKYLU.
HAVE A BETTER NIGHT.
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OK Hope I am quite happy for you to use as you wish but it is not my work to give it comes from a gentleman called Master Torque Dom who was a master in the dark world of BDSM - I studied social sexual and criminal deviancy at Uni and that was part of my studies. Fascinating as it is, it has a very dark side too, but I did love that particular piece of writing, he was referring to his submissive but it is not dissimilar from the ways we raise our children is it?
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Hello.....I don't often post but I do check in and read and have for several years....I have the utmost respect for every one of you and the situations (loving) that you are in.....I also love that you can let loose and.....enjoy....for a moment.....(you are all quite hilarious....truly).....anyway, I have both a question for you and....YES.....another reminder to take care of ourselves: I am not posting because something serious has happened to my lovely, 93YO Mom w/dementia.....she is actually quite happy (and safe) in her ALF. No........I am posting because I was absolutely rocked out of my " normal" world this week when I found out that my BFF of almost 30 years passed away from pancreatic cancer that had spread to the liver......NOW....let me just say that I am no stranger to sudden death.....I lost my first husband quite suddenly (pulmonary embolism) when I was only in my 20's and half way around the world......so.....I guess I am astonished at myself....I could at least kind of "deal" w/ that first (much more traumatic) death, yet, I am a total mess now.....I know I'm giving you "the short " version"....my friend had been in hospital ....BUT....only for a few days....she was dxd on a Friday.....in hospice and gone the following Tuesday....I am still in shock and find myself writing a eulogy not for Mom but for my 20+ years younger than Mom best friend. As I said, I'm a bit of a mess.....have any of you found yourself in this situation?
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Mina, that's such a sideswipe. You must be reeling. I think I can understand because I found out a few weeks ago that my lovely former boss had died in March, of early onset dementia, aged in his mid-fifties; I hadn't even known he was ill and I still can't quite believe it. Not the same as your close friend, of course, but I can grasp that it must seem so completely unfair. What an absolutely horrible thing to happen. I'm so sorry. Will writing the eulogy help you to get your feelings organised, do you think?
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Thank you, CM......Yes....I am reeling because she told me 2 months ago she had severe nausea that landed her in the hospital.....all kinds of GI tract investigations (for lack of better word on my part).....GI came up clean and gorgeous.....she was sent home....she felt better....for a while....yesss.....I was worried but Never thought it would be something so serious....so final.....BTW, we lived most 2000 miles away from each other.....otherwise, I would have been on her doorstep.....BUT.....I am comforted that it was quick.....her absolutely lovely son ( only child) emailed and texted me.....he was there and holding her hand to the end....what a grand kid he is (w/young kids himself....the actual grands).....still....just shocking to me that a spell of terrible nausea turned into advanced pancreatic cancer, hospice, and death so very quickly (to me).....don't know if that sudden-ness is what has me thrown or if it's just that I'm geting older and starting to really feel my own mortality (at 60) against my " forever" Mom (God Bless her) who lives on and on and on......
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I read an obituary Thursday for someone i knew many years ago. She was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago and now gone, that suddenly. She was only 71. "We know not the day nor the hour" i was taught as a child.
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Hello Everybody, I have been so busy and not on here much the last few days!

Mina, I am so sorry to hear about your friend and you are in my thoughts and prayers. My great aunt and a former neighbor passed on from pancreatic cancer and it scares me how fast this takes a person.

CM, hearing about people getting early onset dementia in their 50's just scares me too! How unfair to have this happen at this stage in life!

I was bullied for awhile too, but it was in elementary school. It finally stopped in junior high as my main tormentor found herself on the opposite side of the volleyball net and my good spike to the nose was just an accident.....right? But after that she kept her distance and bandaged nose away from me and seemed to have developed a new found respect. I did not look like someone that would pack such a punch with a volleyball..... I was tall and skinny, looked like the blond Disney princess, Elsa, though I was by no means a princess! I also started wearing trendy clothes to "outcool" the girls that picked on me, and since it was a college town there were lots of programs, music, lectures, etc that my friends and I started going to there, so by high school the bullying didn't seem to happen to anyone, it was fierce in the elementary schools though and it is something that you never forget and shapes you somehow. I think I often take things I shouldn't more personally because of going through that. In many ways it made me stronger and try harder at things. I was never prepared fully for what I am going through now though with my poor Mom...never thought it would be this rough for so long. Each morning I go into her room it just tears me up that she is bedridden with so many problems.
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Babalou, It is good we don't know the day or the hour we will pass....that would be just awful, though I admit that after my Dad died and I never forget that date, I wondered about that...what time of year, etc. I even started trying to figure out if people born in the Fall die more often in Spring or the other way around. Then I told myself forget about it and live right now!
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CM....Sorry, didn't answer your Q re: eulogy......Yesss.....here's the thing. When J**** her son emailed me that she had passed, I was already writing to her....of course, I hoped he could read the card to her......BUT......as I picked up his message, although I cried my eyes out.....I knew....I am going to record the BEST moments we shared over the years. So....I started by describing an absolutely wonderful vacation we took almost 20 years ago (yeah....I can't believe it was that long ago either).....anyway.....has anybody ever read an Elmore Leonard novel? He was a neighbor of mine.....great crime novelist w/ a seriously warped sense of humor...he.passed away recently.....anyway....the first vacation J**** and I took (w/2 other girlfriends) was like an Elmore Leonard novel.....w/out the crime.....otherwise....everything went wrong, nobody got killed, but.....it did involve no hotel rooms, crazy Mexican painters, scorpions in night clubs.....it was totally hilarious and yes, we all survived and....ultimately had a great time.....and yesss....it is a major part of my eulogy......and thank you, CM for asking that important question.....
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Thank you both babalou and katie.....really appreciate your comments.....yes....it is so very tough......I love my 93+ YO Mom beyond belief.....but it's really tough when your young, apparently healthy friends start to fall.....and Mom, with her dementia, etc. Just keeps going .....
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Hey Mina! Wow, so sorry you lost your bff so suddenly. Crying is good for the soul and I love the idea of recording all the best memories. I have a friend like that as well. We've been bff for 40 years. Too bad everyone lives so far away!

QUESTION

My hair has been thinning at an alarming rate. So much so I'm scared to brush it. For the past 6 years I have been growing it out and now... it's HALF as thick as it was 6 months ago. I mean it's really getting thin... WAAAAHHH WHY?? I've been googling what to do for so long I've confused myself.
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Well the retirement home with little houses would not work because our property is zoned as a family farm. We can only put one additional house on it. When we bought it, it was zoned residential 1 which meant that we could put one house per acre. That was our retirement plan. Sell it to a developer and go far away. Best laid plans...
So here we are. I have thought of doing a Golden Retriever rescue but my husband would never see me, I'd be out playing and sleeping with the dogs.
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wow Falcon...now I guess I'm more naive than I thought even now...I would never have put that spin on it...but I did like it a lot...sometimes I supposed stuff just goes right over my head these days... :)
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Jeanette...yours and mine both...I don't know what the heck is going on with my hair. I have always had incredibly thick and I do mean thick hair..It was so thick that when I put it in a ponytail holder, those didn't last long before they broke because my ponytail was so thick. now it is like one fourth as thick...it is extremely distressing to me....My hair is one of the few things I had left and now that seems to be going too...let me know if you find anything that works. I thought getting mine cutter shorter would make it look thicker...NOPE...just looks shorter and thinner....I am guessing it is stress related...everything else seems to be ...stress, not eating properly, not getting enough rest, the list goes on and on...I'm not a dietician but I'm pretty sure all those things affect the health of our hair...Not to mention my friend, Men O Pause....
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Mina, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those kind of trips where everything seems to go awry are the best ones in the world and bring back the fondest memories...(as long as no one got hurt.. ) May your memories bring you comfort. I am very sorry....
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